Thursday, September 30, 2010

Here's where I stand.

I will be hanging out with my family all day tomorrow. Looks like I will be talking to them about my life and laying out my plans for my current future. I am putting it all out there again.

Scared to death but excited all at the same time. I am oh, so tired of hoping, wishing and praying for their unconditional love and acceptance. I am tired of clauses and if-then statements.

I am either a part of this family, respected and loved, or I am not.


Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Laid up was such a beautiful day to start off with and now I find myself pretty much an invalid for the time being. Drove out around the lakes to Lees Summit to meet with a friend, spent some time on the docks helping buddies land boats and get ready for fall, hit the new coffee shop out by the college and then headed back into town. Decided to stop by the shop to take some pics of some car parts for one of the hot rods and all was going well...

Till I dropped a T-5 Wold Class transmission on my foot as a result of slipping a disc and pinching a major nerve in my lower back. One minute I am standing there like a stud carrying an ginormous gear box and bell housing, next second I am doubled over barking and yelping in pain. Soooo thankful I was wearing my steel toed Docs today! Something in my back gave way at the wrong time and it took me forever to get back to my feet. My back kept spasming and each time, my legs buckled and I fell over. Talk about feeling helpless! My phone was in the car, I had fenders and running boards laid out all over the place, at least I didn't drop my new camera AND I had all the pics I needed. Thank God for small favors.

I finally got my sorry, broken ass back to the car  looking like some deranged guy who had been rode hard and put up wet and managed to drive home, grimacing all the way at every bump and each light I had to wait out..  Got my butt in the house, slammed down some Tylenol with a slug of Bacardi 151 and laid flat on the hardwood floor for a bit. Then I realized I had an important meeting to get to at 3 pm, so I called my Doctor and met him at his office for an emergency consult. He took some X-Rays, gave me a couple of shots for the pain, zapped my back with some electro-stimulus (which feels amazing!) and set up a follow up for tomorrow. The meds kicked in with  a snarfed lunch in enough time for me to shower, throw a suit on and head down into the city. Trying to tie dress shoes was impossible, so I went with some square toed Italian loafers. Needless to say, the meeting was a riot what with my yelping every time my back twitched, as well as my silly banter and goofiness as I started getting higher than a kite on the codiene pills. LOL Jeremy did NOT know what was wrong/right with me...

Made it back home after a great talk with Jeremy and a new business opportunity that I am helping him with, despite my silly condition, and am now safely ensconced  in the house with no plans but to rest my back, ice it down, keep my feet up and take it easy for a few days.

What a freakin' pissah!

I did NOT need this right now, especially with all I have planned this week and next. I am not sure what the point of all this is, but I certainly will be moving slower for the next few weeks till this heals up. So meh...that has been my day so far. I'll be home and hopped up on the good stuff till further notice. Michael is bringing over some food, movies and books for at least someone will be checking on me. I guess I don't have to worry about getting laid for a bit. How flippin' ironic is that?! I couldn't hump anyone if my life depended on it!

Starting to feel a bit woozy and bizarre now, so am going to stop writing here before it gets too weird. If I start posting random shit the next few days, I apologize in advance, or not? What the heck? Might do some of my best writing yet! At least it is really beautiful outside and I think I can manage to hobble out onto the deck with my crutches. Hope I don't fall asleep outside, wander off into the neighborhood or end up in the lake. Best keep my phone on me...I feel pretty strange.


Brain not on yet...

Woke up incredibly early this morning and watched the sunrise in the peace and quiet outside. Now inside and rocking out to the sounds of U2 singing "Beautiful Day". Kind of takes me back to high school I guess in my head. Used to crank U2 up while opening and shutting down for the night. Reminds me of Christian and Tim, kind of a blast from the past.

Had some weird stuff in my head last night before I crashed. Kind of odd, but after reading for a while (a habit I have had since I was about 7 years old) I just kind of laid there and thought, this is all crap. This existence, the striving, the questions, the confusion. Is that all I am here for, to breath, eat, live and die? Just buy more crap with money, then make more money, then buy more crap? I actually teared up a bit at a few thoughts of the life experiences my peers were having in getting married, raising a family, feeling a little ones arms clasped around their necks and being called Daddy. Then I fell asleep.

Not sure what all that was about last night, just the sense that there has to be more to life than this. It is very strange for me to feel off or down and it kind of got to me. Maybe that was just a flicker of what some people feel who are depressed all the time? Strange. This morning I feel great. Kind of wandering around the house, reveling in being alive and planning my day. Maybe it was just some random weird chemical thing, but I have a feeling it was a little more than that. I want some of what they have, that richness and more than just myself in life. Okay, enough will be about taking it easy I think. Want to do some reading at the park, tour a new exhibit at the Nelson Atkins Art Museum, eat some good food at Jerusalem Cafe, maybe take a nap? I really need to answer some emails and make some phone calls to friends but I kind of feel like hiding out a bit. More time alone is really needed for me to sort through some of my life and I know once school starts I will find privacy and "me time" very scarce if non-existent.

Woke up double horny this morning, but took care of that for the time being. David at church challenged me to give up my porn and jacking off for even a week, says I am chemically addicted to my body or some such nonsense and while he makes a compelling argument I just don't want to? Getting off feels good! I have pretty much jerked it several times a day my whole life and I can't see the need to stop now. Blah, blah, blah with the lust argument, I have heard it all. Maybe I am addicted to orgasms, but I dig them. Even in a relationship, with a regular, healthy sex life, I still have to take care of myself too. Is that weird? Am I over sexed? Is that even possible for a guy? I dunno...random. Meh, who cares...

Spiritually I feel like I am on pause. Kind of watching and waiting to see what happens. Church has really been speaking to me, and my guys group is getting together Friday night to eat, chill at a pub and then have a huge bonfire. I like spending time with my buds and just sharing some life. We will see what I hear and kind of go from there. When in doubt...I don't.

I keep thinking of really interesting topics to blog about and then totally forget them by the time I actually get to one of my keyboards. Speaking of keyboards, I need to start hitting the piano again, oh, and call Stephen today, it's been awhile. I wonder who the heck reads this crap? Just was randomly browsing blogs this morning and am struck by two things. One, some of the guys out there are unbelievable writers and have such interesting lives and Two, the beauty this exists in the male form is just stunning, can sometimes almost move me to tears. Like I am not talking from some sex place in my pants but from that artistic spot in my head that sees such rare grace and power in the simplest and most complex bodies of other guys.

I totally love my body do, despite the "flaws" I think I have. Never really been a time when I didn't. Kind of weird how some people get all hung up on body image and that spiral of low self esteem. I have extra esteem if some one needs any. In fact, I prolly have too much. I still kind of fall in love with the mirror sometimes, or maybe just get trapped looking at my eyes and wondering who that guys is. Am I even making any sense this morning.

Time to get rolling I guess. I want a long hot shower, a good rub down with a rough towel, a close shave and some well worn and rumpled face clothes on today. Feels like its going to be a great one! I hope to have more meaningful things to say later, like about life and stuff. Ciao!


PS: All the shots are from the Naval Academy's ritual of "Greasing the Pole" ceremony which takes place at the obelisk that was erected for Capt. William Lewis Herndon. At this years ritual...the pole was dry, which was a damn shame. Man, I miss my mates back in the Navy some days. The pics prolly make it hard to read this post...that's kind of the point! :)

Monday, September 27, 2010

Falling for Fall

What a great weekend. Just took off and explored new parts of old cities. Visited old friends, made some new ones and just got to be me somewhere else. I always feel good getting out on the open road and listening to tunes while the miles fly by. Getting there is always half the fun.

Sitting here on early Monday afternoon, feet kicked up and listening to some happy music. (Regina Spektor...On the Radio) The weather could not be better! About 70 degrees, sunny and a light breeze. Ahhhh...Good day to be alive. Kind of a lot on my mind, but nothing bad. Yesterday rocked. Hung with friends and had a great night.

Missing being in love at the moment. Being in love. Having another hand to hold. Another guy to curl up with on the couch. A warm lump in the bed to cuddle with. A set of legs to wake up tangled in. A set of eyes that keep looking into mine, wondering how in the world I even exist. Someone to pack a lunch for. To kiss when I head off to work. Cooking together and sharing meals. Being with when out and about. Sharing life. Some one to care for, watch over, protect, listen to and simply share space with. A person to talk with while I shower and he shaves. Extra laundry to fold. Walking our doggie. Being a part of something more we both create.

I miss sex too.

I also miss making love.

I am not heart broken or morose, just simply missing him. There is an extra space in my life I had made for him. Extra time that I used to share. I still find myself rolling over and talking to him some mornings when I am not quite awake and my extra pillows faked me out. Or hearing his music come on the radio and turn to him in the car and realize he's not there.

On Friday, we watched a great film, 500 Days of Summer. It kind of pulled at my heart even more this time since the last time I had watched it was with Michael. I had him cuddled between my legs and laying on my chest on the couch. I held him as he held our doggie. My chin in his head, arms wrapped around and warm. To see this film without him told me a different story. Last time I was part of a pair, this time, I was just a guy in a room with his friends. Kind of weird how different the same stuff can look.

Fall is here. My favorite time of the year. So much to do. Bonfires and hayrides to plan. Barn parties and getting ready for the holidays. Leaves falling, brisk weather, time to pull out favorite sweaters and leather jackets. is in the air.

Guess I am just a little wistful today. It is a happy pain. A feels good to hurt kind of thing. I am glad I had him as long as I did. Losing him once again one day will hurt a bit less from not being so close I suppose. Who knows what will be?

This is how it works
You're young until you're not
You love until you don't
You try until you can't
You laugh until you cry
You cry until you laugh
And everyone must breathe
Until their dying breath

No, this is how it works
You peer inside yourself
You take the things you like
And try to love the things you took
And then you take that love you made
And stick it into some
Someone else's heart
Pumping someone else's blood
And walking arm in arm
You hope it don't get harmed
But even if it does
You'll just do it all again

Friday, September 24, 2010

The open road

After a few days to process and think I have decided to take a trip. Getting out of town for the weekend and making sure I do nothing that is routine. In fact, I will be making conscious decisions to do nothing in the ordinary ways of my life.

Had some good talks with friends about my frustrations and concerns to date about life and relationships and at least got many of the thoughts out of my head. I am thankful for friends who simply listen, acknowledge what I see, ask probing questions and then just leave it at that. They want me to own my choices and know that I have the will and strength to see me through.

I am not a weak person. The life I have built is nothing but a testament to the fact that in the midst of adversity and hardship I always flourish and grow. It has been during times of intense pressure that my real strength and force of purpose emerges. It was kind of inspiring to hear from them how my path and journey have inspired and encouraged so many others who may not say much for whatever their reasons may be.

This is a huge step for me and one in which I am laying down what others thoughts and perceptions are of myself and simply living out what I know to be true and authentic in my heart. It is not a matter of having lived without integrity in the past, but that third person perspective of myself that was cultivated in the halls and grounds of a private school, made integral to my person in University and then forged to my thought process' in the Navy is being discarded.

I want to view my life from the first person at all times. Looking out of my eyes at the world each and every moment. Not some reflection or other perspective of my that is shaped by the reactions and thoughts of those around me and the people I know I impact.

This is not so much a 'sod off' to others as it is a wake up call to myself. That uninhibited child like wonder and wildness I used to possess in scads is returning. It is that very spark of person that draws others to me, but has become muted by the cares of the world and the slow maturing process that time brings. I am not shrugging off responsibility or finding license to live out a care free existence, but more of a conscious decisions to simply be myself, as odd as that may be to some in society, as many moments of each and every day as I can manage.

I guess it is the divorcing of the ideals, cares, wants and desires of others for what "they would do in my shoes" and putting on a few pair of those amazing shoes I have and beginning to dance to the fantastic music I have heard in my head since I was a child.

The marriage of the inner and outer me is being celebrated once again and man, it is feeling great! In a few hours, I will be jumping in my car, throwing the top down, cranking up the tunes, hitting the high way and zoom, zooming east to points not quite known. I shall return in a few days, if that is where my road takes me to start putting into action the lessons and concepts I learn on this wandering, unplanned way. No reinvention here, simply rediscovery of that intriguing and crazy guy that is me...who just has been quiet for a bit too long.

Wish me luck! :)


Suddenly all of my ancestors are behind me. Be still, they say. Watch and listen. You are the result of the love of thousands

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Giving up on God or at least pausing

Last night I flipped out.

I had just got home from hanging out with my buddies at the coffee shop and grabbing some dinner at the wonderful Kona Grill and came inside to work on a few things and sack out early. I think everything just hit me all at once. The frustration I have with other Christian friends I am supposed to love. The views of the church towards guys like me. The simple and trite answers they throw at me, as if this was somehow all my choice. The endless striving with words and circular reasoning. Their failure to accept me, just as I am. The separation from Michael. The realization that when I needed to desperately talk to someone about all of this, there was no one in my phone I could turn to who wouldn't try to "fix" me. Comprehending the fact that I am caught between two worlds. My old life, which I must confess was not healthy or good and this new life which seems to be desperately trying to smash me into a mold that I will never fit.

I came unglued emotionally I guess you could say. I was stalking around the house, talking and yelling to myself and feeling very close to a breaking point. I am sure I looked like a mad man.I remember shouting several times that I give up. It feels like if I could just tear myself in two, somehow I would feel better. Tears wouldn't come. I ended up taking a long shower and just standing there under the hot water, my mind blurring like my vision in the steam and cascade that fell on my body.I don't fit on either side. The world won't take me back, since our beliefs differ and the church won't have me because I am gay. They keep telling me that my orientation is fine, just don't act on it...ever.

Are you kidding me?

Don't fall in love. Don't share life. Don't build a family. Don't ever have sex, that is for married people. Oh, can't get married either. Had to make sure we took care of that. Don't do anything that all of us can do. Are allowed to do.You can get married, just make sure to is to a woman. See, you have all the rights we do! You are damaged goods. Accept this fate as your "cross" in life and never, ever, ever, seek any type of fulfillment in a boyfriend, dating relationships or life partner. All of that is reserved for us straight folks, cause we are on God's side and He loves us, not you. The next person who dares utter that hateful lie of "Hate the sin, love the sinner." is getting decked on the face as hard as I can. Those words are just a justification for hate in God's name.

I give up.

I can't believe all this any more. I cannot accept that God hates me, but if he does, I hate him back. None of this is fair. I did not ask for this. I simply want to be happy and live my life seeking love and affirmation exactly how I am.

So, I do not know if I am leaving church, turning my back on my beliefs or merely just pausing for a bit. But for right now. I lay it all down. I can not deal with it any longer and refuse to hurt myself trying.  Screw all this, it is NOT worth it and I don't think it ever was.

Monday, September 20, 2010

Caught in between, fitting no where.

I can see me, inside my head, stretched in between two places, both camps grasping my arms firmly and trying to pull me in both directions at the same time. So much tension being put on me that my feet cannot find purchase on the ground below me, eyes screwed tightly shut and simply trying to narrow down a few of the many loud voices that daily assault, cajole, entreat, chide, rebuke, love and condemn me. How did I find myself in this place, hung between the sky and ground with no place to call my own?

On the one side is my life as I have always known it. The value of hard work and saving for other leaner days, education and honesty that pays off, simple friendships based on shared passions and thoughts, family and peers who have accepted me and loved me for who I am. I used to live over there once, safe and sound in its quietness and contentment. There are also things I do not agree with there now, since I have begun to change. Some things that used to wear easy do not bring the peace and comfort they once did.

The other arm is being yanked incessantly by these new people that have come into my life since I have found a modicum of faith. They have always been around I suppose, but I never had much in common with them. Their lives were full of rules, do's and don'ts, desperately seeking to control the outside in order to disguise or at least hide the insides. Phony living, odd language, words that obscure the truth, daily martyrs for a cause, suffering all the abuse they bring upon themselves in the name of beliefs.

Both sides are struggling for my attention, my validation, my agreement with their purpose and plan. My former life with its clear lines and open communication vies with this cacophony of voices that always clamors for me to "prove" to them my ideas, to "justify" my beliefs and the view I have of this world. That to somehow convince them of my path will then sooth their conscious (that is the lie) when all that they really want is for me to come over to their uninformed, non-researched, refusal of reality that is steeped in traditions and the ideas of men who never thought freely for themselves.

You know what?

For a while there, I thought in order to be a good "Christian" and serve God with my life that I had to appease them. To walk their way. To fit and change all of the parts of my life they dictated. To become something I am not that they are firmly convinced God has told them to tell me. They actually sold me on this when I was still very young in my faith. I trusted these people. What is wrong with them? Do they think they are helping me?

Guess what?

To be blunt... f@#% that noise.

I am tired of being yanked around. Tired of the arguing, the endless dialogue and argument over doctrine, the words of Scripture, the needs in a man, relationships, rules about everything from when it's okay to touch my dick, who I can kiss, what to do with my money, who I should spend time with, what gender I should fall in love with, what to eat and drink, things to wear, where I should and should not go....ENOUGH!. I don't need this anymore. I am sick and tired of this political game that is played out each day, all in the name of faith.

I know who cares for me. I know who walks with me. I know who respects my boundaries, realizes I am still learning and never, ever tries to change me in order to prove something to some one. The side that does not offer unsolicited advice. The ones who do not gossip, all in the name of prayer. The people who live out community to me. Those persons who see me for who I am, accept what I am not and then simply walk beside me. They are tired of fighting for a scrap of my attention too, and I am sorry that I walked away from them, even a little way.

So to all of you, hanging on my arms, trying to wrest control... I give up.

I put my arms to my sides. I plug my ears to your grating voices. I set my feet firmly on this place where I find myself. I am right here where I stand now. This is where my tent is pitched.

I claim this ground. I may not know either side well, but I have seen enough to know that I will find this path and journey on my own. This is my space. Don't touch me. If I need something, I will ask.

Today I stand alone. I make no apology for who I am. I ask no approval for what I do. I answer for myself and my actions alone. Last time I checked, I am not praying to any of you. To all of you would be Holy Spirits, self righteous confused bigots, misguided tradition steeped non-lovers of life and self serving sycophants...I say good day.

Here is where I stand, for better or worse. These are my arms...let them be. I shall find my way.


Sunday, September 19, 2010

Reflections in the Fog


Awoke this morning after an very odd dream to find a nice stream of drool down the side of my face and marking the clean, crisp pillow case in the shape of a question mark drawn by the shaky hand of a second grader with a crayon. Had that "slept with my mouth open" taste clinging to my tongue and throat so promptly brushed my teeth and splashed some water on my face and had a good laugh at my bed head hair. So strange to let that stuff grow on the top of my head now, after so many years of keeping it clipped and shorn. Pissed my morning wood away and padded through the house while the coffee maker started sending out its soothing snuffle and amazing aroma. Yes, this is morning. Familiar creak of hardwood floor, simple popping of my toes and back with a long and leisurely stretch sounding like muted fireworks. A yawn that would not be banished kept splitting my face and returning to the smile of the well rested.

Stepped outside into a cool mornings fog. A cathedral like hush held sway over the neighborhood. Each of the homes and large oaks swaddled in its comfortable cotton like embrace. Inside the house, my grandfather clock chimes the hours and reminds me of the passage of time. I simply stood and looked for a long while, then walked down around the way, carefully putting each of my neighbor's weighty Sunday paper on their doorstep next to their entrances. Not sure why I did that. Never have before, but today, it just seemed right.

Came back inside with a silly grin and poured myself some coffee, flipped disinterestedly through my own paper and grabbed the comics. Always the first thing I read. Decided to put a tee shirt on, bit of a chill and slapped down the hall to my office to reach out a bit into the world. It feels good on my nipples and chest. Computers sure are nifty, eh?

Yesterday. Lives are made of such days. Spent the morning and afternoon at Whiteman Air Force Base taking in all the aircraft, amazing flying and catching up with friends, old and new. The Thunderbirds were amazing and a good friend managed to get me tours and walk around of some amazing machines, including the B2 Bomber. Glad I remembered my military ID and smartcard. Took some great photos, sweated in the sun on the tarmac thinking back to all those hours I spent on the 'grinder' marching in formation and trick drill in boot camp. All too soon it was 4 pm and time for the drive back to the city. All was well till Blue Springs and the sky opened and hail and rain commenced. The car is a pit pitted for its efforts, but a quick call to my agent has Monday set up for an estimate of the damage. Could have been much worse I suppose. All too often my sense of order and control is assaulted when my possessions are damaged or tweaked in some manner. I believe I have always seen my cars as an extension of my person. I keep them clean, polished and in perfect working order. I try to do the same with my body. Guess it must be in my blood?

Last night was WaterFire, a beautiful and mysterious spectacle of music, performance, fire, dance and acrobats on the water at the Country Club Plaza. Sad to say, the evening was cut a bit short by the arrival of more storms, but I at least got another taste of the experience I love so well each year. It's arrival seems to usher in fall, and as those cloaked figures in the gondolas threw more aged oak on the blazing fires set in moving water, the sparks flying upward seemed to play and frolic saying, "Fall is here, be free, rise to the sky, this is your life." And then they winked out, only to be replaced by more, burning ever so brightly. The dense aroma of scented fire threw shadows in the wall of the canal while dancers, fire eaters and acrobats all seemed to rejoice in movement and the final ecstatic glory of the passing of summer. There is something primal and visceral with these arcane celebrations. The gathering of thousands, the passing swaying crowds, the expectant hush and wait. This is humanity, grouped once again around two elements we have harnessed the power of, but do not understand. Fire and water. Magic to some in years gone by, but oh so necessary for the lives we have built. All too often, we get so separated from our past that these simple traditions bring us back to those simpler times when living was about survival and our next thought was of food and those we loved.

After we left the Plaza my friends dragged me to a friends house, even though I was a bit beat. Upon arrival, I found a party and gathering of people in full swing. So many faces, friends from all over every circle of my life. So strange to think that all of these other humans all know me in some way and I them. What a rich and blessed life I have. Guys and girls from all walks of life, many faiths or none, orientations as different as eye color and finger length, young and older...all in one place, celebrating life. Too many hugs and much love to count or weigh. Some days my heart is too small to hold it in, so it spills over, like water on the cold lip of a merry fountain, onto others in a cheerful, splashing, messy way, with no thought of tomorrow.

As it should...

Thanks be.

Friday, September 17, 2010

Kings of Parkour

Am totally thinking about getting into this during the fall! Couple of guys I know here in KC are into free running, so I am pumped to go hang with them downtown and start learning. Looks like so much fun, plus it's a great way to get ripped fast. Can't wait!

Thank God it's Friday!

What a beautiful morning! About 70 degrees and sunny, slight breeze and everything is still green and happy. Kind of worn out from yesterday, but in pretty good spirits. Simple weekend planned and going to spend some more time with myself as I get the chance, as these last 5 days were kind of a whirlwind socially.

Tuesday got out and played soccer with my team that we started up for the fall. Was so good to be back in between the goal posts and diving for shots! Got some new gloves and shoes, so looking pretty sharp too. I had missed playing so much and didn't even realize it. Still not sure if I am going to join the rugby club, but still am interested. My friend Cory is playing with them now and it looks like so much fun! Need to get my head together with Garreth and see what he thinks. I am pretty sure I can balance the two, practices, games and all that, just a matter of making choices about my free time. We ended up winning our practice game against the Pembrook guys (Yay!), but we still need a lot of work on defense and working together. I was pretty exposed most of the second half, took way to many shots on me and my guards and midfield need to start talking more. Offense is really looking awesome, good crosses, corner kicks and aggression. My center striker, Micah, is AMAZING. Been playing since he was six and I kind of cherry picked him off the Avalino Club  Going to be a great season I am sure!

Wednesday night, a group of us guys from one of my car clubs got together for a man night and we all packed into our local and spent some time getting to know each other better. I only had a three beer and a few obligatory shots, but spread that out over 5 hours and really just enjoyed myself and their antics. One of my good friends Chase, drove in from out of town to join us and he was definitely the life of the party. He is only 21 years old and is also the only other "out" gay guy in the club. We get a lot of teasing and shit from the guys about being mo's but it is all in good fun. They know that we can handle a wrench and drive with the best of them, so there is mutual respect all around. Ran into my friend Haley on her 21st birthday that night. She was celebrating with her whole family and twin brother. (who incidentally is just as hot as Chase ran off and got on their party bus and toured a few places with them before her Dad realized they had a stow away and the bus pulled back up later. Her Dad got off, holding Chase by the back of the shirt and asked me, "Is this yours?" We all died laughing! I guess they had been backtracking to find out where he went, and of course he wasn't much help at all. I think he was angling to put the moves on Haley's brother, but struck out.

We had a good time out on the deck, talking cars, guns, politics and anything else that came up and finally headed our own ways at about 10:30 pm. Some of them went nuts on the tab and I think all told we dropped about $800.00 there, including tip. I am pretty sure we made that waitress' night! We all chipped in to cover Chase since he has it rough at the moment and is so cute and agreed that this definitely needs to be a once a month affair. Just guys, getting away from all the boyfriends, girlfriends, wives and families to unwind a bit and enjoy ourselves. Had been awhile for me to hang with all of them and also glad I kept my head about me and stayed sober. I think they thought I was going to take Chase home with me and that we would hook up or something, but I sent him home with one of the married guys and they baby sit him for me. That was a relief, since that would have been too much temptation for us both and we don't want to screw that friendship up. He is a great guy, heart of gold, killer smile and body...but he is also my friend and I respect and care about him too much to be stupid, even though it would be fun!

Yesterday was easy. Sold some car parts I have been collecting, grabbed coffee at the Broadway Cafe and then headed over to The B to hang out with Jeff, Michael and all the guys. Shot some pool, caught up on life and then got home early for a good nights rest. This being responsible thing is sure fitting me well. I am glad to be making good decisions with my time and body.

Other good new, got tested yesterday. HIV Negative! Which is a great thing Woot, Woot, Woot! I really wasn't too worried this time round, but still, it is always kind of stressful. For those of you who are sexually active, do yourself and your partners a favor and get tested at least every 6 months. It is the safe and responsible thing to do. Know your status and be safe.

Hmm...I really need to blog about that whole relationship sometime, but would have to ask him first. He is a very private guy and I don't want to share anything he is not comfortable with. I still feel for him so much and am blessed for the time we have shared. Just weird being friends now, kind of.

So spiritual stuff. Many things swirling around in my head. Making peace with myself and God about how to live this life out. I know who I am and had to stop listening to all the people who kept trying to pull me over to their side of thinking. They may have meant well, but it seemed so controlling and a sad way to live. The trying to not be oneself can never be healthy. I love who I am! God made me just the way he wants me and I am going to stop stressing out about how someone else may believe and live my life. I am gay and I am a Christian, get used to it. :)

Almost time to go running. I am back in better shape and am loving how I feel and look. Hair is growing out and I got it trimmed yesterday. Looks good! All in all, a good decision. With some new glasses and longer hair now, some of my friends aren't sure who I am from a distance...LOL  I am sure my head will stay warmer this winter too, though it still is strange to have to wash it, use conditioner and then do something with it. Many days I just shove a ball cap on and roll with it. Works for me!

Well, enough rambling I suppose, got to get my day going. Will write more as I think about stuff, hope you are all well. Might have a date tonight, who knows? Wish me luck!


Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Beautiful things...

One Year

It is hard to believe that I have been writing here on my blog for just over a year now. Reflecting on that thought has not brought me any earth shattering ideas or profound ideas this morning, but I am happy that this habit of reflecting out loud to others has stuck with me. Time passes so quickly at times and it is neat to see what these last 365 days have been.

I have found love and then let it find me. Dealt with heart break and loss with the help of my faith and friends. Dramatic life change is in the works from working 12 hour days to time off waiting for Culinary School to start. Switched from a red convertible to a green one. Grown my hair out, just a bit, but still a dramatic step for me. Settled into my church community and started being more involved in the lives of those interested in me and my journey. Climbed a few mountains, swam in one ocean, spent way too much time at the lake, camped out on several occasions, got to know my family better, made more than a few mistakes in the bedroom, fumbled my heart up a bit, got back in shape and trimmed my life down to simple. Saved more than I have lately, spent much less, invested time in things I believe in, read some amazing books and heard such fantastic music. All in all, not so bad of a year.

What does this one hold? I am not so sure. I am at peace with myself, even though others are not and I am learning to listen to me, instead of seeking the approval of each other person perceived as knowing more about this path I am on. Trusting my instincts has proven to be a good thing, and those who speak out against it all need to learn that this is my life, my choices and I am happy with who I am becoming. Do I screw stuff up? Sure...I think we all do at times, but I am learning with each step I take.

I have not become some epic writer. I do not know how to capture in narratives all the fascinating and intricate details that I experience. This blog has been somewhat of an over view of my days, but it is my life. I hope this next year to work on my writing craft, figure out how to take people with me on the journey and bring into focus all those areas of my present and past on paper, so to speak. Not only for the benefit of my friends who read here, but also for myself, so when I peer back at the days that came before, I will have a more clear picture of who I was, and who I am now.


PS: If you want to read some amazing writing that captures life, check out these articles by Nathan Gunter. Queer as Faith

This guy knows how to lay some words down about the things he sees and lives each day. I never come away from his writing without seeing a bit of myself, an interesting take on life and an admiration for a word smith who gets the job done and touches me.

Sunday, September 12, 2010

Fall is in the air!

This is my favorite time of the year...the cusp of Autumn. Cool breezes, change on the wind and the hopeful eyes lifting to the eventually changing leaves.

I love putting the top down, early in the morning and just motoring around the peaceful lake, down quiet country roads and making plans and dreams for the upcoming holidays.

Hope all is well with you, my blog buddies. Take a moment and relax today, however it is that you do that and know that things are well with the world, even but for a fleeting minute or two.

Life...this beautiful and amazing adventure is ever changing. Savor the instant, live in the present and smile knowing that someone, somewhere cares for you.

Even if it is "just" your Mom. :)


PS: You really should call her...just sayin'

PSS: Tell her I said hello! :P

Saturday, September 11, 2010

Good News from Colorado

Denver church growing again after fully accepting gays

Highlands Church marks its first birthday Sunday, having survived a year in which it lost half its congregation and two-thirds of its financial support after the pastor declared that gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender people could participate fully in church life and leadership.
The Rev. Mark Tidd, married father of five, said his decision created a maelstrom that forced his break with the denomination of his ordination, the Christian Reform Church.
It also led him to end his affiliation with Pathways Church.
They were not bitter partings, the pastor said, just inevitable.
"I knew my views and practices were outside their bounds," Tidd said. "My church extends the love of God to people who are treated like the last group of lepers on earth."
After the initial shock wave and mass exodus from the church, a surprising thing happened: Tidd's remnant congregation of 80 soon tripled to more than 240.
As word spread, church-website visits grew from 30 a day to about 14,000 a day, albeit many of them denouncing Tidd or offering to pray for the recovery of his senses. But he also heard gut-wrenching stories from people whose sexual orientation had forced them to the fringes of faith communities.
Highlands Church, while still rooted in evangelical tradition, is a big departure from the mainstream of nondenominational churches, which believe homosexuality runs counter to God's natural order.
People drive to Highlands Church from as far away as Colorado Springs and Longmont to attend Sunday worship services.
CNN has asked to come in November to cover the church's second annual Symposium on the Evangelical Church and Homosexuality.
Highlands member Joe Quillen, raised Baptist, said that most Christian church leaders say they love and welcome gay people. What they really mean, Quillen said, is that they love you in spite of the fact that you're gay. After all, they know they must love all sinners and broken people.
"What they don't say is that you can't be openly gay and be a church leader or have an affirmed marriage or relationship," Quillen said.

"No regrets"
For Tidd, 56, it was a gradual realization that he felt it was wrong to treat gay people as less than fully human.
"I'd see people suffering, and it caused me to question whether I absolutely understood what the Bible said about homosexuality," Tidd said. "You can't suppress love and support for people. Goodness opens doors and possibilities for people, not closes them."
And, though a third of Highlands' membership is part of the GLBT community, the remaining two-thirds is mostly made up of conventional young families.
"I just had a strong sense that this was something God wanted to go forward. It just felt like he had our back," Tidd said. "Everything we've done I'm sure we could have done differently and done better, but I really have no regrets."
The church faced down its first winter with a broken boiler and a need to raise more than $100,000 in six weeks, by Christmas Eve, to hang on to its old building at 3241 Lowell Blvd. By the time the holiday arrived, the congregation had raised $130,000.
And so a grateful church is celebrating this first anniversary on Sunday with a 9:30 a.m. breakfast and 10:15 a.m. special service.
Lisa Crane and her husband, Ryan, had taken about a year off from church after growing bothered, she said, of the injustices experienced by her gay friends.
"There were so many gays with amazing talent and experience who couldn't get full recognition for their contributions," said Crane, 29. "It was like the church was using them. They could offer their talents but they couldn't lead a little group or be a church elder. It was feeling more and more wrong to me that gays couldn't fully participate in church life."
She heard about the upstart Highlands Church. While many of her friends and relatives don't agree with her decision to go there, she said, they're respectful. And she looks forward to one day telling her now-15-month-old son that his parents were on the leading edge of a new era in church history.
"It's exciting to be part of this," Crane said.

A magical feeling
The church staff has grown from two to six, including volunteers. The church has a weekly community hour, adoption assistance, choir, prayer team, social justice group, in-home group dinners and a partnership to support local musicians and artists.
And, Tidd said, some church members who initially stayed but were tentative about accepting the new policy, have "taken us off probation."
"What feels a little magical is that during Communion there are lots of families with children in their arms and gays and everyone together," Tidd said. "And it feels really normal. It's the family of God gathered around the table."
Electa Draper: 303-954-1276 or

I exchanged emails this morning with the pastor and am so encouraged by his and the community's response to the message of love and inclusion they are living out to those around them. Just an great way to start my Saturday with my Dad.

Shared this story with him this morning when I got to my parents house and have been greatly encouraged by his response to the article and me! We are headed to the Car Museum soon, top down, sunny driving and hopefully a great day of enjoying each others company, talking about life and sharing a passion for all things automobile!
Hope that you all have a great Saturday! :)
PS: letting my hair grow out feels really weird in the wind! LOL


Friday, September 10, 2010

Thunderstorms and a pause.

Another day done and kind of winding down. Very simple one at that. Finished my book at the coffee shop while listening to music and left it on the shelf for someone else to enjoy. Coffee Shop Boy was there with my many refills, always so pleasant to see him and exchange smiles and grins. The questions in his eyes always crack me up, but I kind of like leaving it just the way it is.

Wandered through the Westport Art Festival and fell in love with a painting that certainly is NOT in the budget, so visited it twice with longing and walked on. So many cool sculptures, paintings, jewelry, name it. Swung by and saw Troy at work and hung out with Jeff a bit. Jeff got me a new leather bracelet, which totally kicks ass, so I traded him back on of my LED lights as a thank you. Said hi to AJ and came home for dinner during an AMAZING thunderstorm.

Got home and then realized tonight was the concert at J-Dub but eh, I was already in and let this one slide. Sorry Water Deep, I'll catch the next one! Promise...

Tomorrow is the Armacost Car Museum with my Dad. Kind of anxious and nervous about that considering how things have been going since that blow out and the whole faggot, queer comment thing. I think we have had enough space to cool down and we both have been dying to see this private collection of cars for years. It is like a huge rumor mill about all the stuff this man has and I finally scored some fund raiser tickets and admission for two. Wouldn't he just flip out if he knew that I got them from another gay friend whose father retired from Armacost? LOL Never underestimate the gay mafia...we are everywhere!

Just taking it easy tonight now, sipping some soup, catching up on news, getting prepared for a long and good weekend. Want to get back to the Art Show tomorrow, maybe catch some live music with friends, have to help Jeff with some filming out at Wentworth Military Academy...just all kinds of interesting and fun stuff.

Crap...forgot to call Stephen back. Oh, well...maybe tomorrow?

The storm is tremendous!!! I will sleep like a baby tonight. Too much in my head right now, but am happy.

DADT ruled Unconstitutional.


Cool and gray outside this morning. Need to do some laundry. Thinking about life. No plans for the day as of yet. Taking time off to get ready for school has kind of left me in limbo. Wonder what is on my mind that has me up so early?

Friends lately have been confusing me. Stephen called to grab some lunch the other day, Wednesday I think? I don't remember, but I kind of blew him off. He is back from California now and I am not sure what head space he is in. He went to this thing out there that I do NOT agree with due to it's affiliation with different groups that I consider anti-gay, so who knows what his head is full of at the moment. I miss hanging out with him, but at the same time, don't need someone in my life who is always trying to change me, while at the same time confusing me about what he wants out of our friendship. He has a lot on his plate right now, career decisions, shopping for a house, selling his loft, God, all of that. I dunno. I have been avoiding small group lately too for about a month or so. Those people confuse me.

New friend Troy is interesting. He wants to hang out some more and "get to know me better" as he puts it. We get along well for some reason and still don't quite remember how we ended up hanging out. Guess it just kind of happened from conversation and talking. Helped him fix his car the other day, simple stuff really. Fuel injectors were clogged and the float in his gas tank was stuck. Ran by and hung out with him when he was working, got to play Wii for the first time. That was fun. He has got some cool kites too that we want to fly once the weather clears up. Simply just walking around the park and listening to him and his story was pretty interesting. He is kind of down on himself and does not quite understand that sometimes life is a cycle. He is at a rebuilding stage at the moment, and doesn't think that he has much to offer a friend. He doesn't get it. It is not what we have that makes us, is who we are. I like making him laugh and smile, offering him a different perspective on all the things he sees as obstacles to happiness and success. He shared some stuff about his past that I think that he thought would run me off or scare me, but nothing really phases me anymore. We all have made different decisions but it is how we overcome and get past those that make us the guys we are. Maybe it would be a lot easier if he wasn't so cute?

Kind of feeling cut off from many of my friends that encourage me, but it is just timing I guess? Life happens, we all get busy, stuff is misunderstood, whatever. Things are speeding up at church and I am getting involved more again. Maybe I just need some more alone time and might stop committing to doing so much with so many people. Once everyone knows you have free time they call and know you've got space to hang out. Maybe some me time is in order? Kind of wander off with my books and stuff and search for some quiet?

Maybe I am just getting anxious for school to start. That is going to be a big change for sure. Wonder how I will get on will all my class mates and how tough this next four years is going to be? I am excited to finally get the chance to pursue something I have a passion for, but at the same time, kind of feel like I am regressing. The last 5 years have been very adult and some days I feel guilty for living like a teenager again. Am I just spinning my wheels and avoiding life, or is this time something that has been good for me? Remains to be seen, I guess.

Guess I will head into the city soon, watch it wake up. It IS Friday, so I know there will be many things to do all weekend. Hope everyone doesn't start blowing my phone up, but oh well, I can always say no.

Up in the morning

Not really sure why I woke up so early today? Guess my body was just ready to get going. Simple day planned, it being Friday and all. Kind of looks gray and misty out again, but I can roll with that. Coffee shop weather. Time to get some sketching and music in along with good caffeine and conversation.

Hopefully will get a call today before 3 pm. Going to be filling some of my free time volunteering for Big Brothers and Big Sisters here in the area. Kind of pay back into the community and actually contribute. Had two interviews with the directors this week, so kind of excited to see what they want me to do. I am kind of excited about it all, so wish me luck! It has been a while since I have been a volunteer. Last place was the Gay and Lesbian Community Center and also for Passages. Many lessons learned at both of those places.

Found a new cool blog to follow and was reading his stuff this morning. Kind of touch situation, but a good writer. He captures himself well in words and is struggling with his sexuality and orientation and how it fits into his life. I had to leave a comment for him, because I saw myself in his writing a few places. It is pretty neat to kind of check each others lives out on our blogs. Makes me feel not so alone in it all at times.

Haven't really tackled any issues lately as far as writing goes. Michael has a friend in town from Atlanta for a week and a half, so life is going to be weird. I am kind of caught in limbo at the moment in relationships and not really sure of my status. It is either feast or famine it seems like with guys and everyone wants a piece of me and my time it seems like lately. I don't feel single and I don't feel attached, just kind of floating. I dunno...hard to explain.

Not sure what is going on spiritually at the moment either. Kind of lost in limbo concerning direction. Maybe fall will fill me in, but something has got to change.

My hair is getting longer, that's a trip. Still not used to that feeling, but I think I am going to like it. Trying not to cut it until after the New Year, and considering I have always had short has been a challenge! We shall see. Can't wait to see my little sister at Christmas when I actually have some hair for her to cut and style! She will prolly pass out. LOL

Not really a lot on my mind today. Life is good. Bill are paid. School starts in January. Hmmm...kind of on pause I guess till this year ends. Looking forward to more time with family and friends. I so love the holidays! Going on a road rally this next week to St. Louis with the car club. Hitting up the Armacost Museum with my Dad this Saturday. It is a multi-million dollar private collection of cars in the area that I scored a tour of through friends and networking. We have been dying to get in there for years and now we have a chance to see what has been talked about and rumored on the car circuit. Definitely taking my camera and he is as excited as a little kid! So good to see him happy about something. We are patching stuff up in our own way, and me doing this for him is my way of saying I love him and know he did not mean to hurt me. We shall see...

Maybe I'll come back later and write something more substantial. I have been running into a lot of questions lately about dating, sex, all kind of junk. Who knows?


Tuesday, September 7, 2010

A question that I cannot answer...

This goofy picture was sent to me today by a friend of mine as a joke. He told me we should get some and try it out...see what happens? I had a good laugh about it and gave him a call, but it did raise a question in my head.

If there was a "NoMoHomo" pill...something that would instantly and painlessly change my sexual orientation...would I take it?

And if I would or would not take it...what would be my reasons for or against it?

I think the answer to this, had it been asked me as a child would have changed back and forth over the years, sometimes, moment by moment. Depending on the joy and love or heart break and hurting, I have both loved and loathed my sexual orientation.

But something interesting also came to me as we talked about this.

The negative feelings, emotions and thoughts I have had have ALWAYS come from outside of me. Someone else, an organization, a church, a person or group, society...something other than myself.

On the other side of my heart...

The positive feelings, love and acceptance I have felt have ALWAYS come from within myself or  from some one who loved me, such as a boyfriend, family or good friends.

I cannot say it has helped me answer the question of "Gay-Away" but certainly given me something to think about today.

What about you?

Would you take the pill?


Monday, September 6, 2010

Weekend review

Welp...Labor Day Weekend will be officially over in about an hour and I just got home from hanging out with friends. This has certainly been a restful and happy weekend with no regrets for a change.Rained a bit this evening while I was in Midtown, but otherwise 4 whole days of nothing but beautiful skies, cool breezes and happy people.

 VERY sore from riding the mechanical bull yesterday night at the Rodeo BBQ, but man was it worth it! So much fun!!! I ended up on him 4 different times and think that my best time was 23 seconds. Oh man, the inside of my legs and crotch today...ouchie. I think it was from all that gripping and bucking? Stuff  I have not been using lately up in there. Oh well, it will get better. Walk it they say. At one point they had three riders on at once, my friend David and them being big dorks...but yeah, if you get a chance to ride a bull, real or not, TAKE IT! Everyone who jumped up there, strapped their hand in and held on was smiling like a 5 year old kid! Wow...such a good time! I love the Rodeo, reminds me of being a kid and all that farming stuff. Saw so many good riders, amazing horses, good people, cute cowboys (love them Wranglers!) killer food and of course the hysterical and brave clowns. I dunno how they do it!

Church was intense Sunday. My friend Edward was back from Africa for a short while and spoke that morning on faith. We took us through 8 verses in Hebrews 11 and then shared what God has been doing over there in Kenya with the tribes he lives with and ministers to. It is so hard to believe that it had been an entire year since I last hugged him goodbye and watched him leave. He has grown so much and it is just an amazing story what is happening over there with the Pokot Tribe. They have dug 11 wells now to date and have now broken ground on a school for the children. A war like and nomadic group of people are settling down into an agrarian lifestyle and actually building community with one another instead of raiding all the time. So good to see, hear and touch him again before he takes off for Baylor for a while.

Spent some time with my Dad and Mom today. Cooked dinner and ate together. Just kind of played it by ear and all seemed well and peaceful. Did not bring anything up that could upset my Dad and just enjoyed great food and catching up on all the family has been up to. My little sister is preparing for Peru and Africa again, my brother's little one turned 3 years old, business is booming for him and he is happy. They have been traveling all over the past few months visiting friends and family, checking in on those they haven't seen for a bit and spreading some happy all over the place. I think next year I will join them in Plymouth for Thanksgiving and the National Congress of Mayflower Descendants. I went once about 8 years ago and am even more excited to head back East again. I still do not know what to think about all those words that passed from my Dad to me, but I am just going to hold my peace and wait.

Had a great time at all the events this weekend, the BBQ, the parties, church, concerts and just palling around with my buddies. Spent some time playing soccer, flying mah kite, frisbee, coffee, music...all the stuff I love! Made a new friend and got to see him again tonight. We all played Wii for awhile, which was cool, since I always watch but have never played. One his friends showed me how and it was a blast!

His name is Troy, little younger than me, interesting story. We spent a lot of time talking this weekend, hanging out, learning about each other, meeting each others friends. He really seemed to need someone to listen to him, so that is what I did. Hung out at the park, played outside, all my normal stuff...which for him and his life was really strange. He has forgotten how to have fun and is really trying to figure out what he wants out of life. I'll prolly write more about him later as I get to know him better, but he certainly looks to be a good friend. Pray for him, if you think about it. He is one amazing guy and really makes me smile.

Sooo...tomorrow life starts up again, I think I am ready for that. I have a to do list a mile long, but taking it one step at a time. That is all I can do...right? Hope that you all had an enjoyable and refreshing holiday and that this post finds you safe, smiling and loved.


On the radio

This is how it works
You're young until you're not
You love until you don't
You try until you can't
You laugh until you cry
You cry until you laugh
And everyone must breathe
Until their dying breath

No, this is how it works

You peer inside yourself
You take the things you like
And try to love the things you took
And then you take that love you made
And stick it into some
Someone else's heart
Pumping someone else's blood
And walking arm in arm
You hope it don't get harmed
But even if it does
You'll just do it all again

Регина Спектор

Sunday, September 5, 2010

Singular day

An unusual day today in that it found me alone. From my waking moment, the the moment I will sleep shortly, I spent no time with another person. I think that every single weekend has been booked with some type of event with family, friends or what the heck ever comes up, so to spend time with just myself, for an entire day, at my house was refreshing.

At first this morning, I kept looking for excuses to leave the house. I put the top down on the car, got ready and then realized I had nothing planned, no where to go, so I turned around and went back inside. I know the consequences of what happens when I just wander off into the city with money in my pocket and no plans. Those days usually draw me back to a place where I find regrets stacking up in my head and weighing on my heart.

Each task I encountered today proved interesting. I sat in the sun and read a book. Then I put the book down and just sat there, taking in the beautiful day and just being present. I washed the cars, did some gardening, tidied up around the house, the usual chores, ya know? But I didn't call anyone or leave for an entire day. I let all my calls go to voicemail, except for one from a great friend who lives out of state, only returned a few texts that required information and that is it. Just me, all day. And I just kept finding reasons to stay home.

Somewhere in all that time I was reminded of how much I really like myself and what an amazing thing this life I have is. With so many things in the way, I kind of stopped listening to myself there for awhile and forgot the me part of life. It has been we and us, and they for so long...I kind of lost "I".

So yeah, I'm ready to hop in the car and head out tomorrow. See some of those amazing other people in this world. I hope they can see the peace in my heart and smile back at me.

I hope.

Friday, September 3, 2010

Through the fire...

This is an old, old song that my Dad used to play on the stereo at times when I know his life was getting hard and so many things weighed heavy on his heart and mind.

I play it here today as a prayer for him and for me.

This is best enjoyed at very high all the way up to 11!! :)

Help will ALWAYS come in time!

Peace to you and love one another.


Missing home

In the night
that falls after
another day
When the dark
covers all the light.
No relief 
from the troubles 
you've brought your way
By yourself
there's no end to your plight.
But in your heart
you know the truth
there is one
who is calling you.
Now that your dreams
have come and gone
You find yourself alone
You're missing home.

Now it seems
that it's too late 
to turn away
From the path
that you've led yourself down.
Though you know
he would love one
who has gone astray
One by choice to his choice 
stays bound.

But in your heart
you know the truth
there is one
who is calling you
Now that your dreams
have come and gone
You find yourself alone
You're missing home.
And even though the world
will beckon and amaze you
Don't you know that
really what you want
Is to go

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Words that hurt.

Our hands washed of grime from working on the hot rod, while sitting together eating a simple lunch at the table, my Dad and I wandered off into a conversation spanning current politics, faith based groups, the Bible, this country we call home and civil rights. These long talks are one of the reasons that I love my Father. They have helped me over the years grow to know him better and for him to explore those parts of my life that I am willing to share.

Today, without warning, while discussing a citizen's personal liberty and the religious right movement, this conversation took a gut wrenching turn that hit me like a closed fist right in the heart.It literally made me gasp and have to walk  run away. I had asked a simple enough question to him, "Do you think sinners (humans) deserve civil rights?" My point in asking this question is to really see where my Dad stood on gay marriage, the homosexual community and LGBT people in general. This is something we have been talking about lately whenever we get together. We have always had open discussions about my life, past and present, and I have never doubted that he loves me greatly. I am his son. I am also gay. My dad loves his gay son. This I know.

I have been out to my family since my first crush in fifth grade and they knew me pretty well growing up, since I was so verbal and expressive. Not having much empathy for others, I tended to blurt my life out many times. They have seen the conflicts and hardships, watched over the relationships, and shared with me the heartbreaks and the joys. They welcomed my boyfriends into their home as we were growing up and treated them as sons. They have always loved me, no matter what scrapes I got myself into. They are proud of me and all that I have accomplished with my life this far. They are my tribe.

Somehow this question that I asked set him off and he started quantifying his answer with a long complicated story (which he often does) which showed me something was wrong. Suddenly, he launched into a dark story about his childhood and the physical and sexual abuse he suffered at the hands of some sick men in his neighborhood. This part of his story was not a shock to me. I am aware of the horrible place that he called home growing up and all that it entailed. I listened to him quietly and when he stopped a bit, visibly upset and getting louder, I gently reminded him that those guys were pedophiles NOT homosexuals. At this point he had stood up over me at the table and leaning in close started telling me about "those fucking queers that had come onto him over the years" and started touching my chest and body, emulating what those men had done when they first approached him.

I physically reacted, slid back in my chair and jumped up, pushing him away from me hard, unsure what to do. I blurted out, "Don't call them that!", and turned my back and started to head outside, shaken and nauseated, feeling anger and all kinds of conflicted emotions. He yelled after me, "If you call some people white trash, then I can call all of you queers and faggots!"

I had to physically get away from all that, so  went for a walk around his property. I was not sure what I felt. Confused, upset, sad, hurt, betrayed, lost... like a child who has been kicked repeatedly and then told to stop crying. Where does this hate in him come from? Is this how he looks at me? Is this how he has looked at the guys I have dated all my life? Am I some sick pervert to him? Has his acceptance and love been a sham and lie for all these years? I cannot fathom the disgust and hate I heard in his voice, that fear and aggression that I saw in his face and could not help but think that part of it all was somehow aimed at me.

Did he think that since I have found my faith in God that somehow I was not gay anymore? Do I spark some kind of sick loathing in him, even as his child, his son? Where in the Bible has he found this stance and belief? I  support civil rights for ALL people of this country and am especially involved and vocal on how the local church and faith groups in the United States treat their fellow believers who are homosexuals. I think we ALL deserve freedom, just not those blessed by churches and government. NONE of us are free...till ALL of us are free.

I don't know what to do.

I am at a loss.

I promptly found my Mom working in her office, explained  briefly what happened without being specific and got out of there, shaking all over. I can still hear him in my head...

Is that all I am Dad...just a faggot? 

Just some perverted queer? 

Why would you say that? 

I feel guilty and ashamed, but I have done nothing wrong.

I guess I have my answer...

I am less than human to my Dad.

Random thoughts

Woke up this morning at 5 am...wonder how that happened? I was pretty tired last night, oh well, started my day early.

Wonder if I should head back to Colorado and visit David and Craig. Would be nice to be back on the road again and enjoy the cooler weather. Craig wants me to move up there till school starts, which IS a possibility. Change of scenery and geography might do me good.

What should I have for breakfast?

The only thing I like about running is when I am finally done.

I am tired of wearing t-shirts and shorts all the time. I am ready for the fall and winter wardrobe weather, so many more options!

Raining that light gentle rain this morning, pretty, peaceful and gray.

Should I pick up a part time job right now, just to have something to do with my spare time and keep me out of trouble?

Why does it always seem like feast or famine with my friends. Either everyone wants a piece of me (like now) or...everyone gets to busy to stay in touch. I kind of like a steady diet of camaraderie ...not huge binges.

Stephen took off for California today, wonder if he was upset I did not go with him?

Made a new friend yesterday. His name is David and works for one of my friends. He is very sweet, even gave me a hug when he got off work.

I need more hugs in my life. of my blog buddies shared an amazing song this morning with me. Check it out here! AJ's Blog

Does popping my fingers and toes hurt them? I hope not, because it feels really good! :)

Crap...I forgot I have a family reunion on my Mom's side this Sunday. Hmmm...need to call the 'rents.

I am thinking about selling my Mustang. (Blasphemy I know) But shouldn't someone else be getting some enjoyment out of it, like some 16 year old, like I was? It just sits in the garage, under a cover for about 360 days a year. I don't want to think about that right now...

Growing my hair out longer feels weird...but it looks interesting. Kind of strange to actually have to use conditioner

Later on today, I'm going to write about some stuff that will not be easy.

Time to eat!