Wednesday, June 30, 2010


It was brought to my attention a few minutes ago that my profile pic of "clasped hands" also featured an out of focus, but prominent penis in the background. My apologies to anyone who saw this and was offended. It was not my intention to feature an exposed cock as my persona to the world. Please forgive me, I will vet my personal pics more closely in the future.

But, on the other hand, while I am a bit embarrassed, I find it freaking hilarious as well! Thanks to my friend for pointing that out to me! He was like, uhhh, that what I think it it? BWAHAHAHAHA...

So in lieu of penis, I will now feature bare butts. Skinny Dipping at the Lake of the Ozarks! Hope you can all take a joke...


Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Tuesday Riff

My body came awake long before my mind filtered into consciousness and the day started as I rolled out of bed, cotton sheets rumpled and tossed. Bare feet gripping hard wood on a journey to the head. Water splashed face and urge relieved I stared a moment into eyes sunlit and questing. Simple poses led putting the frame through its paces and the exertion seemed to bring that me back to the flickering surface, but still not broached.

Slipping frayed navy shorts over hips brought a semblance of decorum and windows open I stepped into the out of doors. Beautiful day, all so green, I sat and blinked. Sounds and sights as the world awoke around me. Breeze tickled bare skin and made me laugh. The sound caught the attention of a passing cat and we pondered each other as we both sat down. Back and joints crackling comfortably in a long lazy stretch.

A yawn broke my face and I let the sound go as it may. The cat passed on and I rose to return inside. Coffee timer on, soothing, perking and snuffling with its sounds of promise. That smell of morning time and not yet showered. A man scent, familiar and raw. This is life. My life. Hello Tuesday morning!

So many things accomplished yesterday. The gathering of all the paperwork that will ease my transit into yet another school this fall. Transcripts, medical records, papers, recommends, references, stuff upon stuff. It was amazing to be back at my old high school and then University and see those familiar halls and grounds. So many loaded memories simply awakened by walking in paths I used to tread. Remembering who I was and what I lived in those years not too far hence. It is amazing how time pauses for no man. Looking into those faces of the past, hanging on the walls, so full of light and promise. That hope and question of what is to come. I remember me. I recall us. I knew them...once.

Ecclesiastes kicked my ass last night. I read it all in a sitting as I listened to worship and it made me weep. I did not hide my tears from others, but simply sat and considered all that was written there as it was spoken to me from the far distant past.

Let us hear the conclusion of the whole matter, fear God and keep His commandments, for this is the whole duty of man.

We all come to from to nothing. What is my life, it is even a vapor, that appeareth for a little while, and then vanisheth away.

Consider thy Creator in the days of thy youth...

I am realizing that I either have to change my ways, or change my name.

More thoughts later once the brain boots up. I am still bleary eyed from sleep and all the cylinders are not firing, but this is what was in my head at the moment.

Night and Moon

Tonight drove home, under fools moon
Full moon
Flayed and floating
Cut to the
But better for it.

Time spent in
Cleaner somehow
Than before?
I am now.

Reading, speaking
Listening, watching
Being more
Transparent than
I have been

They see me
And yet love.
Who are these fellows?
And why...

I shall miss them
And him

Monday, June 28, 2010

Monday Mash

Wow...just woke up from a hard sleep and see another beautiful sunny day waiting for me. Kind of wandered sleepily around the house, started a load of laundry, mostly shorts, t-shirts, boxers and sox for some reason, and am now sitting here trying to boot my brain up and get my eyes to work. Rubbing my head feels good this morning, but I am about due for another haircut. My toes keep popping too. Must be from running around barefoot all the time?

It is definitely another hot day in the making, but I love this weather! It is kind of nice to just slip only a pair of shorts on and head outside to drink my coffee. The grass feels awesome to bare feet and I just kind of watch my neighborhood wake up to the morning. It is times like these that I can almost feel the joy that the animals have and want to just lay down, roll around, scratch and start hunting for my breakfast, though my job is made easier by the comforts of home and a full fridge. It is great to be alive! Wonder what I should eat this morning? It is going to be a long day, so after my run, maybe load up on some good stuff to keep me going till at least 2 or 3. Hmmmm...I am thinking I need some meat! I really need to stretch out hard too, kind of been neglecting that.

Listening to the washer spin now, kind of planning my day, logged onto my sites and chatting with a few friends, it makes me realize how connected I am here in the city, to so many, but how cut off in a healthy way, I find myself at the lake. While it is quiet here, there is certainly much going on, where as at the lake, all is calm and conversation is hard to come by, except for those I welcome into my house, or meet on the docks, or out on the water. Though people in the city wear a lot more clothes for some reason?

Eh, I am just rambling. Whatever...woke up real horny and got that taken care of, kind of without even thinking about it. Which is kind of weird? Almost like an automatic response. I don't think I was even really awake, just kind of grabbed it and gone. Does that ever happen to you? It still feels strange to be sleeping and waking up by myself. I do not like it at all, but that is how it is right now. Seems like a long two weeks! Michael will be back this weekend and I look forward to seeing him and Fallon again! I miss them soooooo much! But this time apart has also been good for us. Gives us time to think and decompress without the added input of the relationship. Kind of find ourselves again, after the whirlwind of activity settles. Life is good.

I got a lot of sun in the last few days and my skin feels kind of tight and itchy, but I am thinking a shower will take care of that. Maybe get some aloe action going so I don't peel and lose my tan. For some reason, guys look better with a little brown, at least to me. Summer is hard cause of all the skin. Still haven't learned to keep my eyes to myself. Today is going to be spent running around the city, pulling together all the paper work for school in the fall. Transcripts, reference forms, medical records, so MUCH stuff they seem to need in order to approve my happy ass, but I am excited! I have been offered a full scholarship and will not have to pay a dime for this next degree, 'cept books and a few fees. That is an amazing answer to prayer! Who knows what all that is going to be like, but I am feeling pretty bouncy about it all!

Unsure what all I want to do today, once the errands are run and stuff. Know the coffee shop figures in there, maybe fly my kite if we get some good breezes? Might hit the Nelson Art Gallery for the new exhibit, hmmm...what else? Know I need to catch up on some stuff around the house and get things ready for Michael when he gets back. All in all a pretty simple day, but I am going to have fun, no matter what!

Things to think on: what is going on in my life spiritually, how to best use this time off in the summer to learn and process, heavy thoughts on my mind as I wait for my HIV test results that come in on July 6(not really nervous, but kind of, like always) preparations for vacation with my Dad this weekend, new friends and old, how to share my life, being involved and integrated into my church more, what is going on with Stephen, how is this year turning out and what does God want me to do right now.

Oh well, I know its all a jumble this morning. I will try to sort it later. Have a great day!


Friday, June 25, 2010

Straight Christian Privilege Checklist

Straight Christian Privilege Checklist:

As a straight Christian, in all these four aspects of life (Marriage and relationships, political and social, growing up and personal development, and life in Christ), the following applies to me:


- I can, all other things being equal, expect to be able to marry my significant other in the church of my choice.

- I can be reasonably sure, if I need prayerful counsel and spiritual guidance in my relationship with my spouse or significant other, that I can find a Christian-oriented counsellor or literature that will cater to me.

- All other things being equal, I have a good chance of finding palatable romantic partners through Christian dating services.

- If I decide to pursue a relationship which turns out badly, I can expect that my Christian friends will only admonish me for a lack of discernment at most - they will not use the failed relationship as evidence of my "brokenness", or use the incident as an opportunity to steer me toward a celibate life, or to change my sexual orientation.

- I can be confident that the loving, nurturing relationship I share with my spouse or significant other will not be likened to incest, pedophilia or bestiality by my brothers and sisters in Christ.

- If I ask a Christian friend for sincere and frank advice about my relationship, I can be certain that they will not advise me to change my sexual orientation.

- If I have been cohabiting or having premarital sex with my significant other, and a Christian friend decides to rebuke us, I can expect that they will, at most, advise us to refrain from sexual contact until we are married - not that we cease our relationship entirely (provided there are no other issues which would make our relationship inadvisable). In any case, their rebuke will not involve a call for us to change our sexual orientation.

- I can hold hands with, embrace (or even kiss) my spouse or significant other in a public place without worrying that my brothers and sisters in Christ will shy their children away from the "display".

- I don’t have to worry about being separated or uninvited to a Christian event because of the sex of my spouse or significant other.

- I do not have to worry that the legality of my marriage will be put to a vote - a vote in which the majority of those voting to dissolve that marriage are my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ.


- I do not have to fear being fired or being pressured to resign from any Christian-run business or ministry due to the discovery of my sexual orientation.

- I will never feel the need to exclude, isolate, hide, suppress or oppress, a part of who I am within my church, family or my Christian social circles—and be encouraged to do so, simply because of my sexuality.

- I can be pro-gay - even vocally so; and while a good number of Christians will not support my pro-gay stance, I can be certain that they will, at most, admonish me to change my opinion; they will not demand that I cease any and all intimate relationships I may have with any other persons of my sexual orientation.

- I can be reasonably sure that people of my sexual orientation will not call me "a traitor to my kind" for my decision to accept Christ. Furthermore, while I am aware that truly accepting Christ involves sacrifice, some of which could involve estrangement from friends and family (Matthew 10:34-39), I can also be reasonably sure, all other things being equal, that I can find new friends (and possibly a significant other) within the Christian church.

- I can go to a strange church, knowing nothing of their politics or theology, and not dread that the topic of this week's sermon will be the "evil" or the "problem" of my sexual orientation.

- I will never have to worry about a church admonishing or advising my family to disown or repudiate me simply because of my sexuality.

- I do not fear being pressured into treatment or conversion therapy if I am open about my attraction to members of the opposite sex.

- I do not have to fear that doors will be closed on me by fellow Christians in business, investments, connections, employment or references based on my sexual orientation.

- I know that we are all sinners in need of healing - otherwise, Christ's life and sacrifice would not be necessary to the world's salvation, nor would we need His church to guide us in our relationship with God; and since we are all sinners, I know that it is entirely possible that one of my brothers or sisters in Christ might, in a moment of weakness, succumb to temptation. They may, in following this evil whim, vandalize my property, or cause harm to me or my family and friends - they may even commit murder.
While I trust in the Lord and realize that such violence stems from our sinful nature and from the twisted machinations of Satan on vulnerable human beings, I can be quite confident, all other things being equal, that any such violence will not be motivated, even in part, by my sexual orientation.


- I can volunteer for children or youth ministry work without being deemed "unsafe" due to my sexual orientation.

- I can be sure that, while growing up, I can expect to be exposed to positive role models who share my sexual orientation.

- I don’t have to worry about my children being taught that their parent’s relationship is an abomination in Sunday school. If I am still growing up and am in Sunday school or a youth group, I will not learn that my sexual orientation is an abomination.

- All other things being equal, I can be reasonably certain that the quality of my upbringing or the competency of my parents will not be brought into question because of my sexual orientation.

- Growing up, I can expect to receive guidance about healthy sexual expression and relationships.

- All education and advice from Christian sources concerning family planning, upbringing and child-rearing will be specifically (and often deliberately) tailored to my sexual orientation.

- My sexual orientation is not a barrier to my adopting children through a Christian adoption agency, or fostering children, so that they might grow up in a Christian home.

- Should I divorce or be separated from my spouse or significant other, and that person should later decide that they wish to change their sexual orientation, or discover that they should had been living as a person of the wrong sexual orientation all along, my church will likely be more sympathetic to my case, should the custody of our children become an issue, regardless of my abilities as a parent.


- I can be sure that no Christian church of any denomination will immediately reject me for my sexual orientation.

- Any time I sin (sexually or otherwise), my sin will not be automatically attributed to my sexual orientation.

- I can probably find favourable reviews in many Christian book, film or theatre reviews of books, films or shows featuring intimate, loving relationships between two people of my sexual orientation.

- I do not, if I choose not to, have to be familiar with various biblical interpretations of my sexual orientation, nor will I be expected to justify and reconcile my beliefs with my sexual orientation through biblical exegesis.

- I have the luxury of choosing which denomination I will follow or which church I will attend based on their doctrinal stance, missionary or charity work, fellowship programs and statement of faith; I am not restricted in my choices based on whether or not the church affirms my sexual orientation.

- If part of my faith involves the belief that same-sex relationships are sinful, then I can openly call all gay Christians to live celibate lives in order to avoid sexual sin - indeed, a vow of celibacy is understood as potentially beneficial in almost all Christian traditions, in certain contexts; however, I am under no such compulsion to live a celibate life myself. For me, living a chaste life does not necessarily mean living a celibate life.

- I don’t have to worry about being segregated from others of my gender at Christian events or conferences because my sexuality is known.

- The church is sometimes described as a hospital for sinners; its pastors, priests, ministers, etc. are the physicians and nurses who help us in our quest to get well. While no one expects everyone to be fully and completely "healthy" at all times (in a church as in a hospital), a physician with an obvious and untreated flu should not be allowed to practice surgery, for the health of the patient.
Similarly, it is understandable that a congregation might disallow some members from being active in various ministries, if they are indeed living with an obvious and unrepentant sin. I acknowledge that I might be asked to leave my ministry position if I develop habits that run contradictory to a life in Christ (uninhibited alcohol or drug use, a propensity for anger or violence, not trust worthy, petty theft, etc.).
However, my sexual orientation will never be considered an illness requiring treatment, and a barrier to my participation in ministry work at my church. Furthermore, while I acknowledge that, if I wish to rejoin the ministry, I may have to undergo some therapy program, whether in the church or outside of it (Alcoholics Anonymous, anger management therapy, etc.), the cost of these programs are generally low, if not free - much less than therapy or counselling to change my sexual orientation would be, in any case.

*reposted from - with acknowledgements to Peggy McIntosh's "Unpacking the Invisible Knapsack"

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Your Life is Your Life...

One way or another we all at some point get hit in the face by a blast of wind, open our eyes, and see that we are not only on the bow of a colossal sailboat on an open sea, but that we’re the captain of the damned thing. Once you glimpse this fact of life, you have some choices. You can squeeze your eyes shut and make believe that you don’t have to take the wheel, you can run around flapping your arms and yelling “Somebody take the wheel, somebody take the wheel,” or you can take the wheel and learn to handle it.

If you settle down and trust the wind instead of fearing it, you’ll eventually become pretty good at sailing. You will find that while you don’t know what’s around the next cape, and while you may at times work up a soaking sweat trying to stay afloat in a nasty storm, all in all you can have a fine time sailing where you want to and occasionally you can drop anchor and bask in the sun. The breeze is always blowing, at least a bit, so keep your sails unfurled.

What you do with your life is up to you. It’s not up to your mom, your dad, your spouse, your pals, your coach, or your therapist. It’s all up to you. Just underneath the fear of being in command of your life is outrageous excitement about being in command of it. Best of all is the freedom – the freedom to lead your life your way, testing the waters on your won, getting your very own battle scars, and relishing your own rewards.

You may hook up with a sidekick or two in this sea of life, but even those relationships will work best if each of you has a clear sense of ownership of your own life.

*excerpt from Taming Your Gremlin

Morning Rambles

Waking up and checking in on my day. Morning peeped in it looks to be a beautiful day! Rubbed the sleep out of my eyes and stretched out for a good forty five minutes. Now THAT felt good. Started the coffee pot and padded around the house with all the lights off, just enjoying the silence of sunrise and the quiet sounds of coffee perking and filling the air with its hello fragrance.

Grabbed a moment to jot a few things down and ran into a dear friend from Australia online and got to speak with him a bit. Such a sweet guy and an inspiration to so many of us all over the world with his words, his message and the choices he has made to defy all odds and overcome all obstacles. His bold, broken and blessed life is such an amazing example to us. Bless you, Haydn. You are loved!

Thinking this morning will take me for a drive with the top down, before the summer heat hits us. I certainly want to hit my coffee shop and get some miles in, tooling around and listening to some good beats. I am thinking later today might work from some landscaping. The bushes and some of the beds are looking a little wild and are due for some trimming, and I am talking about my yard, NOT my pubes! Just kidding! Kind of in an odd mood today. Guess that is what happens when you get plenty of rest and relaxation. Odd concept, no?

So this weekend is shaping up well! Plans with friends, lunches and coffee dates, Mens Breakfast, church, all kinds of good stuff! I am excited and ready to get into it! It is good to be back in the city, even for a bit. I forgot just how many guys I miss.

Hmm...maybe fly a kite today? The wind looks promising? Got to find my new earphones too...I swear if someone swiped them from my car, I'm gonna be pissed! Well, not really, but I want to use them today, and the old ones just aren't the same. If ya need something, or need to borrow it, is it too hard to ASK!!! :)

Oh well, coffee is ready, time for me to hit the shower. I can smell myself, and it is not too pleasant. Must have been dreaming hard in my sleep...Have a good day wherever ya are! More thoughts later, of course.


Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Miles and Smiles seems like ages since I jumped on here to write, but life has been a combination of tempestuous water spouts and peaceful doldrums. Back up here in the city for a few days and enjoying getting some time in with friends and family that I have sorely and strangely missed. The pace is much quicker than at the lake, but there is much to be said for having my coffee shop time and strolling the aisles of bookstores and shops, looking for my latest find.

The house is all set up down there and I feel a certain peace and satisfaction while drinking my coffee and waking up as the sun rises over the water. The peaceful slap of the waves against the dock and meandering deer in the woods behind the house set a tranquil tone that brings a contented sigh to my lips. The house lies at the halfway point of the enormous Lake of the Ozarks. Halfway there and halfway far, almost in between the middle of nowhere and somewhere. I did not set up the Internet or satellite so am enjoying residing in relative quiet. I have phone service once on the road or in town, but otherwise I cannot be reached, except by mail or car. This has made for much introspection and thinking on my part, and I can actually read a whole book through or listen to my music without interruptions of life and people. It is kind of my fortress of solitude, if you will. This was certainly a good decision.

Much writing is being done and I have been able to take a good, hard look at my life and kind of asses where I am at, and where I am going. It is my Walden Pond...if I can be so smarmy and ironic. The water draws me every time. I have spent a few nights out on the water and have got the best sleep, being lulled and soothed by the waves slapping the hull. Come morning I set sail and charted my course. Inland sailing is so different than open sea though, more challenging and a thinking sailors game.

Behold the power of the wind...

There are four different towns near by, Laurie, Versailles (pronounced Ver-Sails by the locals for some odd reason no matter how much I try to explain French to them), Gravois Mills and resort city of Osage Beach. I say "near by", but they all take a quite drive though the lake roads, back woods and small highways and toll roads to get there. Found a great coffee shop in Laurie I like called Omega, good espresso, pastries and hipster locals, found a solid small bank, nice gas station, locally owned grocery store, amazing florist and well lit car wash that I can live with and my library, so it is not like being totally cut off from the world. I have made some new friends and certainly enjoy the company of the guys and girls who live around me as well. I have met more girls than I ever have in my whole life, and the guys are just awesome! No one really gets up in your business, though my orientation certainly makes for interesting conversation, when asked. Guess they don't have many gay guys who are local, mostly tourist and summer trade. It can get hard at times with all the half naked dudes running around, but just one sun burned, fat whale normally cools me off! LOL

Met a cool guy named Seth who lives around the cove. We went cliff diving the other afternoon and I managed to slip on a talus slope and scrape myself all up from head to toe. I still climbed higher and dived farther than he did! He is really smart and curious and I enjoy spending time boating, boarding and exploring the lake and woods with him. What a talker! He is down for the summer while off college and pretty much takes care of his parents house and toys during the summer. Nice work, if you can find it. I must say, he sure is easy on the eyes, but we know the score...

A bunch of us guys and girls went skinny dipping under the full moon the other night. That was amazing! Not really a sexual experience, (though there sure were some nice things to look at!) but visceral and very human. There is a certain easy laughter and smile that comes to you at the lake and being naked with your friends seems natural. The water so cold and slick on your skin, that feeling of weightlessness as you float on your back, the heavens sky filled to overflowing with stars, the warm, humid air breathing on your face, the splash and laughter of friends, horseplay and tomfoolery, and then just laying out under the moon to dry as the breeze raises the flesh on your arms. It is going to be a great summer!

Michael is on vacation in Atlanta and Jekyll Island for a couple weeks. He took Fallon with him as well, so it is certainly quiet at home. I miss him bunches, but we have stayed in touch. He is having a blast with old friends and Brandon is always good for him. Can't wait till he gets back though! The empty bed pretty much sucks and I find myself cuddled up with my body pillows more often than not. It is just weird to roll over and not find him curled up inside my arms. I cannot wait for him to come down to the lake and meet everyone! Yeah...I do miss him bunches. Anyway... *sigh*

Culinary school in the fall. Not sure if I have ever mentioned that. A dream I have had for years. Got a full ride scholarship for Hotel and Restaurant Management and going to Minor in the Culinary Arts and get my Chef Toque! I am so excited, but more on that later.

Went and got a physical yesterday. Got tested again, which always makes me a bit nervous. Will get my results back in two weeks. This one was the full work up and battery. I think they collected a little bit of everything from me! I HATE needles, but I was calm and the techs and docs are pros. They better be for what the insurance company and I pay them! So yeah, I am not too worried, but still a little unsettled. That is just the reality of life in. So if you are reading this, and you are sexually active, go get tested. It is your responsibility to know your status and protect yourself and your partners. Every six months is a good start. Know your body. Knowledge is power!
Got into an altercation of sorts the other day. I guess three guys took exception to my telephone conversation with Michael and decided to be small minded and cruel. I held my own pretty well, but am pretty banged up on top of my cliff diving scrapes. It certainly wasn't the first time and won't be the last. It could have been a lot worse I guess? Words did not calm the situation so I had to talk to them in a language they understood. Sure wish it had not come to that. My heart and head is more hurt than my body. Why is there still so much hate and violence in this world against people unlike ourselves? I filed a police report, but could sense nothing was going to be done about it. Such is the Ozarks and South I guess. I have a lot of thoughts and emotions on this whole thing, but will write about it later, maybe. I am glad it was me and not someone smaller or weaker. I will be okay. I always am.

Many miles of driving these curvy and twisty roads. I freaking love it down there! Highway driving is so boring compared to top down, nap of the earth cruising. That will be on thing I will miss once summer is over. We have many deer everywhere, but you learn when they are out and how to stay safe. Had an armadillo attack my back bumper the other night in the parking lot. Had some groceries back there and he decided he wanted in! Some nasty scrapes, but no real damage. Finally had to get him off of there with my boot. Poor little guy...

Oh well, I am running out of words and it is almost time to get to dinner. I am glad to be in town. The Men's Breakfast in this Saturday and I am looking forward to the 4rth of July! Hanging out with my Dad and going to the Good Guys Car Show with my Dad, like we always do. Not sure what hot rod we are taking this year, but we always have a blast! Later all,


Friday, June 11, 2010

Wow...time is flying!

Hey all,

I only have a moment here in town before I head to lunch and then back down to the lake, but wanted to say hello and thanks for all the emails, voice mail, calls and prayers from all of you my friends.

Life is good and VERY interesting at the moment, but have no time to put it into words here. I hope to find some space in the near future to update you all on the progress of my life and journey in this crazy place we call home.

Hope summer is treating you all well and look forward to gathering my thoughts into one place soon.