Friday, April 30, 2010
This was sent to me by a friend deployed in Afghanistan with his unit. I think someone got seriously bored one day, but am loving the results!
This made me laugh so hard!
Hope you all get a kick out of it and remember our troops, our brothers, our fathers, our partners and our friends who are currently serving so far from home. You are not forgotten guys. I miss you every day!
Well, is is Friday night and I finally have my feet up and a chance to put a few words down after a whirlwind of a week! Today was nutz with work and getting so many changes done, but am glad to be that much closer to the goal of completing all those projects on Sunday night. For now, I am taking a break!
Hung out with the guys after work for a bit and then over to Michael's to get ready for tomorrow. Chris and his partner are having an open house for the Annual Art Fest in Brookside and we are invited. Chris is his best friend, btw. Looks to be a great day of art, wandering, good friends and food, live music and time well spent. I am so ready to just take it easy for a bit and enjoy me some Spring! Not that I don't do that a bit everyday.
Before I head over there in the morning I have a big luncheon with my parents for an National organization we belong to, based on family lineage. I am excited to see what new developments are on the horizon as I hear rumor that I might be elected to a place on the board or local government. My dad is the current Historian and Governor, so maybe I might get something good and an opportunity to get more involved and serve. I would so love the travel the East Coast and Europe representing us and the Society! Woot, woot! :)
So yeah, I am seriously tired, Worked out, got cleaned up and going to sit outside a bit and consider the sky for a moment or two. Not a huge amount of thoughts in my head tonight, which is actually kind of nice. Michael worked from home today and Fallon is being such a good girl. We are gonna need our rest, as tomorrow is going to be AWESOME!
Later this week, I will be ready to start sharing some of the things that I learned on the Mens Retreat, as well as bringing myself up to speed on where my life is at and how I feel about it all. Right now, just kind of tired and horny and need to get some sleepageness. Such a good and blessed life! I am truly rich and thankful for it all.
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Wow...it is amazing what a run, working out and washing the car can do for me and how I feel. The sun is out, the Spring breeze is blowing and Chris Tomlin is streaming into my head via Pandora and my Blackberry.
Getting ready to head down to the Nelson Art Gallery lawn to lay in the sun and fly mah kite! :)
Today is going to be simple. Good food, excellent coffee, clean water and some time spent thinking about all that is whirling in my head and heart. I find myself in an unbelievable place wondering what have I ever done to deserve so much goodness.
Coming into the prime of my life, with years of experience, education and travel behind me...it is here that God found me and is starting to call my name in a still, small voice. I am reminded of Samuel, how he heard his name and kept thinking it was the person in his life calling him. Eli finally discerned what was happening and challenged him to answer, "Speak Lord, for thy servant hears..."
This is my prayer for today. I have carved out a block of time to wait in stillness and listen. To contemplate the blue sky and life and perk my ears to what may come. What does HE want for me? What is the purpose of all this blessing? How best to use this body, resources and talents for HIS glory and not my own gain, as I have been doing these past years.
It SHOULD be all about him. In this place of pain and struggle He is calling to me.
I am all ears, even if but for a moment in this crazy, frenetic life that I call my own. This boy is looking up today...
But enough of that. It is a new day!
So yesterday was a washout. Worked all day, came home, cooked dinner and then kind of was left to my own devices and what did I turn to? Some body work, which was good and healthy and then it all devolved into some bizarre self-gratification routine of entertainment and sex. I once heard that who you are, when you are alone, is who you are. That sentiment kind of bites because when I am alone, all too often my mind dwells on my body and what it wants. I think I am addicted to sex, but that really is not new news to me. Since I first became active at a young age, I have continually sought out experiences and used sex as a part of my normative life and also as entertainment and currency in friendship.
In fact, something I realized once it was pointed out by a friend at the retreat in his life, is that I go through life looking at every single male I see and meet through a filter of possible mating. Meaning, each guy I am attracted to, I size up as a possible mate or experience. It is like those silly seagulls in "Finding Nemo". They continually utter the words, "Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine?" at everything that moves.
He pointed this out as something in his own life about the females he meets, but it rings true in my life as well. All too often I have sexualized friendships and it now has a firm grasp in my thought patterns. I live out the stereotype as a guy obsessed by sex, even when I am in a committed relationship. I do not think this is healthy or right, regardless of what society says acceptable male behavior might be. I can try to spin it any way I please, but it still comes down to being over-sexualized and fixated on just a fractional, though important, part of life.
So what am I going to do now? How does one go about breaking the cycle of sex? I know that I am chemically addicted to the things my body experiences in a sexual encounter, but what about the emotional needs and problems that exist? How do I dig deeper, past the surface issues and discover what is truly motivating this behavior which I seem to have accepted into my life? What am I really looking for except a place to park my penis. What is my heart hungry for that I am trying to feed with skin and contact? What void is my life that I keep trying to fill with another guy?
I have a list of all the guys I have had sex with and one day a friend asked to see it. He was not reading names, so you don't have to worry about that, but he was getting a perspective of the numbers involved in my life story. Now, I have had a few long term relationship measured in years, not months that have filled much of the time in my life, but the gaps in time before, between and after those shared years are full of different partners and friends that I decided to have a physical relationship with. I never really considered myself a man whore and thought I was pretty normal when it came to the number of partners I have had. I mean, I don't sleep with everything that moves and also am very picky about who I chose to share my body and heart with.
That being said...he was shocked by my number and brought it to my attention.
Has much of my life been about the pursuit of love, relationship with guys and sex? How has this desire shaped my decisions. How have my actions warped my perception? Do I objectify guys the same way str8 guys turn girls into disposable objects? Have I justified my behavior to myself and others due to the fact that I also have had deep committed relationships along the way?
All of this is on my mind as I start a new day under the sun. The longest sessions we had at the Men's Retreat actually were about sex. We had married guys with kids, newly married guys, divorced guys,engaged guys, single guys, str8 guys, bi guys and gays like me. For hours on Saturday we gathered and had some awesome teaching from David and frank open discussions about sex and the part it plays in our lives. This was not some perverse discussion with sordid details but rather an open forum with boundaries to contemplate, question and search for answers about how sex plays a natural and healthy part in our lives WHEN it follows the patterns and guidelines of our faith.
My sex in my life has not followed any pattern of faith or practice except the idea that I need it, I need more of it, I cannot live with out it, who can I do it with, can we do it again?
I do not think this honors God or others.
I am going to stop writing now about that. It is getting too personal and raw, even for me! I have the day off. I am going to run, work out, clean up, eat, wash the car and find something constructive to do with my time. I need to call Michael and figure out what we are doing this week. I have really missed him and its only been a weekend! Wow, it has only been a few days and it feels like weeks!
I wonder what a day without any sexual activity would be like? I cannot remember a day in my life that I have not either had sex, with myself or someone else. I question if I could actually do that? Do I even want to try? What would be the point? I am looking for some answers here...
My apologies to any of my readers who are offended by this post, or anything I might have said or implied, BUT I am writing this about MY life and am trying to think out loud in an honest manner to attempt to find some insight and answers on the things that I face on a daily basis. I do not seek to tempt, inflame or cause any one to stumble and am careful in MY own way to keep it clean and straightforward. If this causes any problems, I am sincerely sorry you feel that way, but I cannot be less than honest with myself here.
So it is Monday night (technically Tuesday morning) and I am in the middle of watching Fight Club, but have it paused for a moment and still I am awake with my mind buzzing. Not sure what my body is up too, but spent way too much time surfing porn and jacking off. Enough times to feel sore and awake all at the same time. Guess it is kind of some tension that needed to be blown off. I think I have got off 4 times today already? Is this some kind of problem? It has been the story of my life since I was in grade school though.
I ran after work, and worked out, spent some time stretching and have been way too conscious of my body all day today. I just have seem to have this raw pent up energy after the weekend in the woods that will not be spent or placated. All too often I am this way, but enough of that. It merely sets the stage for my mood and mind right now. I always did think that Brad Pitt was a stone cold fox in this flick.
This weekends retreat was amazing. I am not even ready to start sharing all that I learned, the friends that I made and the relationships and discussions that were started and had. Suffice it to say, I know I have some good friends around me who will be loving on me and supporting me in a healthy Christian way. As I come to grips with it all I will try to get some details out here, but much of it is hard to fully process and grasp this close to it all.
Up way too late, can't sleep, too much sexual tension and can not seem to tire my body out, no matter what I do. I think I might watch the rest of the movie and then try to sleep for a few hours. None of this prolly makes sense, but I felt like I had to start a post in order to move in that direction later today.
More news later on the Mens Retreat and on being over sexed, over worked, over tired and under sleeped. Peace,
Friday, April 23, 2010
Woke up this morning in rare form to the sounds of enormous thunder and lightening! Not such an auspicious sign for the weekend, but it looks like the storms have passed at the moment. Checked out the forecast for our camping area and it looks to be a bit better than predicted! I am slowly gathering my thoughts and assembling all the things that I may need over the course of the next three days. Hopefully David will find a ride, as I will be unable to taxi him around and I also know that I need these driving times to myself. I cannot bear the thought of sharing my solitude with him at the moment and in a different, though good mood.
What to make of this life at the moment? I threw up some art that I enjoy by an amazing designer from earlier last century. His images of males and clothing have always brought a smile to this boys face and I encourage you to check out his work. He certainly captured an era of style and grace that I would have loved to lived in.
My odd title today just kind of popped into my head, like they always do, and it certainly has me puzzled at the moment. What is my nature and what is the "art" of being Daemon mean to me? I love my style, my mind, my passions, all of these observable and contrary things that assemble themselves into myself and how I present and am perceived by others. Ephemeral and esoteric to be sure, but not cryptic to myself and the space I inhabit inside of this body I call my own.
The art of being Daemon means, never being at a loss for words, a quick smile, a quirky ensemble of activities and strange grace that seems to follow me, even at my worst moments. I love this life I have and greet each day with the hope and comfort of knowing that I get to do it all over again! I love being me!
Music and words...these things I place together into some semblance of a picture, but each person I meet, even those that know me well, always feel in some way that they are meeting me once again for the first time. It is not that I change so much daily, but merely that I offer yet another facet to the light, seeking for acceptance, hoping for love and longing to be seen and known for who I truly am. While we all fall back at times on patterns of behavior, I seem to start each day at another jumping off point that seems to baffle and confuse those new in my life.
If you can imagine a little kid, living the best imitation of himself, with all the responsibilities neatly tucked away, all his shit in order, but with some carelessness and silliness always present, than you would have a good picture of me, I guess? It is not always so easy to aim that narrow and fine beam of perception of life at myself and not come away with a different reflection at least every five minutes or so. It is not that I defy description, but merely that I don't think about it all that much.
I see myself as a small person, though my frame and stature belie that notion. I sometimes forget this and pick people up when I hug them, and never quite understand how this startles them so? I guess the body that others see me in, does not fit the mental construct of how I perceive myself. All the talents and skills that I take for granted, almost as inconsequential as my eye color, seem to entrance and entertain others. How have those people NOT managed to make their lives as diverse and well rounded as myself? How can one not be interesting even to oneself? How on earth do people ever find themselves in a place of boredom when there is a whole mind, world and other people to explore? That baffles me.
Make your life rich. Seize each moment. Live in high gear but pause and reflect when needed. All kinds of thoughts are bouncing around in my head, but I feel the need to shower and shave before this day truly starts. The air outside smells fresh, the windows are thrown open to a sweet spring rain and everywhere I look I see lush, verdant green. It is going to be a great weekend!
So the art of being me? It changes moment by moment. I am always entranced by that guy I see in the mirror. Not in some Narcissus slant or angle, but more of a questing hopefulness that that guy there will like me, tell me it's all okay again and that this amazing journey will never cease. He changes with time, like we all do, but he keeps smiling. Those eyes have greeted each day for all these years and have never lost their twinkle or spark. He loves. I love.
And that is what makes this life expansive, rich, varied, bright and joyous.
What life picture are you painting?
Make your life beautiful!
Thursday, April 22, 2010
And then rain happened! NOT just a few showers, but a solid downpour of solid thunderstorms ALL DAY LONG!
Needless to say, the concert was at an outdoor venue and the water was pouring down the stairs like rivers and there was NO shelter whatsoever, and umbrellas in the performance were strictly verboten. I was sooooo excited about this night, ever since my friend introduced me to their music and I started buying their CD's.
Long story short, after a lot of waiting at the coffee shop, some serious misery, getting to skip the line at the gate, I decided that I was going home.
It totally sucked donkey dick.
I cannot afford to get sick before this retreat with the guys. I cannot say I was enthused about being in a downpour that would interrupt the concert all night and no hope of relief and enjoying myself. This made me sad, but I am sure I will travel somewhere and catch their show soon, IN AN INDOOR VENUE! Why was this not scheduled at our awesome new Sprint Arena, or the new Performing Center out East? This choice of venue made NO SENSE to me!
Okay, now that it is out of my system, I can put my feet up and prepare myself for this coming weekend. I am still pretty hopped up and happy about this whole camping trip and wondering what it is going to be like with all the guys from my church. (FYI: I rented a cabin due to understanding April weather patterns, UNLIKE concert planners who shall remain nameless!) Though they are now calling for huge storms and are having tornadoes in the area of Kansas I will be at, I am still going forward with this trip. Something is going to happen. I can just tell. It is that anticipation and waiting, that knowing that God is going to break something loose, or teach me something or I am going to share and meet with people who will impact my life in these coming years in an even deeper way.
So yeah, I am pretty pumped. Kind of wondering how it is all going to go down, as I am the only "out" guy at my church. I never make my orientation a point of interest, but I also do not hide my relationship to community and friends either. This will be an interesting exercise in communication and understanding on all our parts, as we are going to be having some discussions, teaching sessions and hosted conversations that will certainly touch on masculinity, sexuality and relational living with our brothers in Christ.
So yeah, I am also kind of nervous. How am I more masculine than so many of my urban hipster chic metro-sexual buds? I mean c'mon...these guys are str8, some are married and kidded and still are these soft, sensitive, pretty folk...lol I'll get over myself I guess. There is something for me here and I need to open my eyes, ears and heart to all the differentness what we each bring to the circle. Bonfires... oh yeah! Australian football with REAL Australians! YES! I have a feeling there is going to be a lot of mud involved this weekend, many clothing and shoe changes and multiple showers...lol
I need to get my heart in the right place and get some face time in with God before I head out, cause I am still pretty scattered and scared all over the place. Oh, need to call Michael too. He is not real thrilled that I will be gone for 3 days, out in the wilderness with a bunch of dudes who are certainly not unattractive. So many little questions from him, and yep, I am going to miss the guy something silly. But I NEED this time to work on ME. How can I be right and do right by him if I am not in line with Him?
Hmmm...this is really turning into some kind of rambling crap story, so I am just going to shut up and come back later tonight when I have me thoughts in order. Ciao for now!
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Wowser! I woke up seriously early today, but that may be due to the fact that for the first time in a few years I crashed into bed before midnight last evening. I was freakin' bush whacked. Yesterday was an amazing day and spent with good friends and my favorite person of all...ME!
Now I know that may sound strange, but the last few months I have been re-connecting with myself in a strange but beautiful way. I have always loved my own company, though I am also very much a social animal. I guess what is happening is that, as the cares of life and the strenuous schedule melts away from my structured living for a season, I have the time and space to re-discover who I truly and and all the little things that I have always loved about myself and forgot. I LOVE being me!
Anyway, before I ramble off into some weird, narcissistic diatribe and rabbit trail, let me tell ya about my day. Woke up and got all of my stuff done around the house. Cooked an awesome breakie and wolfed it down after my run and work out. I am loving this Spring weather. Everything in the gardens and landscapes are coming up so nicely! (I have a big green thumb and seriously love my botanical friends, anyway...)
Packed my little day bag, after checking in with friends and headed out into the city to just explore like I used to. It has been too long since I rambled far and wide, just in search of whatever adventure may come. Got called by Geoff and met him for some grub and then ended up at the Nelson Art Museum, playing on that huge lawn. I will post some pics eventually that I took, but am too lazy at the moment. Flew my kite for a couple of hours, listening all the while to Toad the Wet Sprocket, Dresden Dolls and my new fave band, Hillsong United! (shout out to Mathieu for turning me on to this amazing music, can't wait for the concert!)
As the sun dropped in the sky, I met some cool people from the KC Art Institute and was invited over to their place on the green to hang out and play. GOD! It has been sooooo long since I just played outside. Remember what that was like? Throwing Frisbee, playing hacky-sack, teasing the girls, running around like a holy terror, racing each other, chucking a football around and just generally celebrating life in a mix of sound, sunlight and smiles.
So good and yeah, I have some new friends. I have always met good people there. Got invited to a party, but was seriously tired, so I packed up, exchanged hugs, hits, smiles and info and headed back home, where I hosed off and hit the sack.
That was my day...with no regrets. Hope all is well with you all. I am just getting ready to slug some java, rinse the bod off and head out into the world to do it all over again. 'Cept of course today I will be working...lol
Hmm...yep...that's it! Peace.
Monday, April 19, 2010
Up late tonight after a long and productive day. Woke up early, got my coffee going and bounced out the door two hours early for church. Swung by my coffee shop and grabbed my usual, as well as some pastries and headed out to the back patio. After a bit of solitude, friends from church showed up and we all hung out before service. It was strange to be surrounded by people I knew and all of their children in a space that usually I haunt alone, or with solitary friends of like minds.
Headed over to church and listened to a guest speaker from Yale state simply that he did not believe the Bible was literal, and that in the parable he spoke on, that it was simply the Jewish retelling of an ancient fable meant to combat social injustice and class warfare. I kind of think that is a bunch of crap, but then what do I know?
Got called into work for a few hours and held down the fort while my boss checked in on different locations in the district and when he returned I headed back into the sunshine and over to Michael's to see what was up with the yard project. Pulled in and was greeted by a sweaty, shirtless guy who was digging around in the dirt, laying stone for a raised rose bed. I am sorry, but that was just damn sexy!
Ended up getting the entire wall laid today, all the sod transplanted and the hybrid tea roses are going to be freakin' awesome! We got cleaned up after working for about 6 hours and went for a long drive around the city before settling at Sharps to eat dinner and relax. Swung by and got some ice cream and sat on a bench just being silly and talking about strangers. Headed back and hung out a bit then came home and have spent some time catching up with friends before becoming embroiled in a talk about faith with a buddy.
I guess I am frustrated right now because I often lack the understanding or language that I need to express myself correctly and accurately to others. I also am saddened by the fact that many times I cannot understand people either. Our definitions are different, or speech is skewed when it should intersect. Why is it so hard to connect on matters of life, reality and faith with others who are coming from other worlds and spaces? I get angered at the futility of the word handles we use to carry around the concepts, ideas and beliefs that reside in our heads and hearts. The noises we make are such a crude and feeble way at attempting to know and be known. I hope that in my earnestness and rudimentary way that I communicate, that I do not offend or dampen others sensibilities or spirits. All to often, I am the only one who knows what I am talking about.
I go to bed body weary, heart sick, mind sore and a bit anxious tonight. The weekend was amazing and I will not let my own ineptitude counter the phenomenal time I have shared with family, loved ones, Michael and friends these last three days.
Sleep in peace.
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Waking up to a new day here. Caught up on some emails with friends who have kind of slipped away over the winter and generally just waking up. Neck is still a bit sore, but all in all, appears to be a nice day. Going to be up to 68, blue skies and top down weather. Now I just hope I do not get called into work, like yesterday....ugh! I would prefer to go to church and hang out with friends.
Crap, just realized I need to pay for my cabin today for the Men's Retreat! Got the money in my pocket, just hope I have time to swing by J-Dub and drop it off. (Jacobs Well, my church...lol)
So kind of feeling chipper and odd this morning. After work yesterday, grabbed some grub and ran by Michael's for a movie and yard work. He wants some landscaping done, so we started taking some measurements, sketching designs and planning a budget and time frame. It is going to be a large project, but we can break it up into several phases. Having a brother who is in commercial construction, concrete and earth work is going to help a lot! I think that might be a gift to him, having Brian come over the some equipment and a crew to do the filling, grading and hard scape. We shall see, it all depends on what he wants and how much of it we want to do ourselves. I look forward to working on this together. It is soothing and healthy for us.
Got to talk to David, my life coach and friend on Friday morning and it was good to get some fresh eyes on my life and feedback on current choices and plans. He is always so good at dissecting my words from my actions and offering solutions, choices and counterpoints to my somewhat simplistically complex manner of adapting to life. I struggle so hard to be present all the time, but am learning some easy steps to start living in the moment, face forward and not so much in my head, past and future all the time. I want to starting becoming more of a human BEing and less of a human DOing. :)
Brb...got to take a leak...ahhh, much better. Got the coffee started, starting to feel like a person again!
Where was I? Oh yeah, life is going well. Got all my stuff and paperwork in order for culinary school this fall. Starting to get excited about it. Such a change and shift from the life I have lived these past 3 years since getting out of the Navy. Gonna head back to the classroom and into the kitchen to see if my passion meets my present. If anything, I am ready to learn something new and find out what truly pursuing this dream looks like and feels like. If it doesn't pan as supposed, I have at least learned some more skills and enjoyed myself along the way. I guess I will find out if this is a dream that fades or something I truly want to pursue. Many feel that this would be a waste of my talents and skills in other areas, but when you have so much to choose from, I think one has to follow ones heart, not ones skill set and brain power. I want to do what I love, just am simply making space to find what I love.
Welp, that's about all that is in my head at the moment. Time to stretch out, hit the shower and get ready for my day. I guess my schedule will dictate my wardrobe, but when has it not? Uniform of the day is: clothing that will work both worlds. Check! Peace to you all.
Friday, April 16, 2010
What an amazing day! Worked this morning, awesome drive into the Plaza today in the sun, got off early, home for food and shower, dressed for dinner and the over to pick up Michael. Heard the song "smile" by Uncle Kracker today 3 times...for the first time ever and then twice again. Once in the car on the way to pick him up, once while we were driving to dinner after I told him about it, and then again when we were out on the porch watching the storm roll in over the stars. Strange thing is...this is the phrase I told him the first morning after we met, on that same porch. Cool, huh?
Dinner out at Changs, long walk in the park, ice cream from Stone Cold Creamery by the fountain and then a night time drive home, with the top down, listening to tunes and hanging out. Spring time doesn't get much better! Plus saw 3 Ferraris tonight! Woot, woot!
Posting this late at night, long after he has fallen asleep, but much thanks to my friend Matt for staying up into the wee hours talking faith and doctrine, hitting the hard questions and listening to my doubts and fears about it all. I know I don't get it sometimes, man, but thanks so much for pointing me back to Him every single time. I am NOT giving up!
I will leave you with this song before I crash as well, hoping for another awesome day tomorrow. We both have 3 day weekends!
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Working today and then out with Michael tonight. Kind of excited I guess, since it's been a few days since we hung out. It has been interesting to meet his friends and get an idea of who and what he is when he is not with me. Big relief to see that it matches! Might grab some noodles tonight and keep it simple. Not feeling fancy I guess. Would rather relax and enjoy our time than waste it on being out and about messing with strangers and all. Maybe we can figure out what he wants to do with all the landscaping. I have not cooked for him yet, so maybe hit Sunfresh and eat at home? That would be a change. God knows he's lost in the kitchen, poor guy!
Just cut my hair and getting ready to lift and hit the shower. I so like having all my free weights and machines at the house. Saves on gym membership and drama. Body is doing well, but can't seem to get rid of this pain in my neck. Wrenched it the other night in bed and knew I was going to pay for it later. Guess this is later...what 5 days later? Oh well, such is the pains that come with time. I miss my teenage years where you don't even think about your body and it serves you well with boundless energy and a pain free grace. Youth is wasted on the young!
Going to have coffee with David on Friday if he doesn't have to head out of town on business. It has been a few weeks since I checked in with him and it will be good to download life and upload some advice and wisdom. I have been feeling a bit shaky in my faith lately, but I think it is due to listening too much to others and doubting in the dark what I have found in the light. It will be good to get his take on my current sitrep and find out what direction I should be taking at church. Starting to play a more active role in the Men's Group and leadership is sitting well on my shoulders. Interesting to be part of a pack again. Good, in fact. I have missed that really over the last few years since leaving the Navy. Soooo excited about the men's retreat too. Think I will be renting a cabin as the weather in April can always be dicey AND I will need some personal space as well. Camping would be great, but just another hassle as well. I will save the tent action for a vacation in the mountains this summer, where I have more control over logistics and do not have to be running herd on a bunch of guys.
Well, it just about 8 am, so I am going to call it quits and start my day. Hope and trust all is well with each of you and sorry today's post is a bit boring...lol Peace!
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
So, got the car all cleaned up. He shore is purty! :) Coffee is made(yes, I know I am getting a late start, hush!) and it's just about time to shower off the body, scrape the face down and head out into my day. Body feels good after a run. Today is all about cardio, tomorrow, back to the heavy lifting. Been trying to get my legs into shape, but they always feel like rubber after some monstrous squats. But man! I love that 2nd day soreness. Like when you stretch out in bed and your legs just feel freaking awesome! Who knew that stretching and flexibility could feel so good? It is like a really good pain that hurts sooooo good! Know what I mean?
So been thinking about my church and been getting some input from Christian friends of mine. I have been there since I met God and had never heard a word attached to us, but a simple internet search quickly yielded a crap load of info I am trying to process. I guess I go to an "emergent" church, and not just sort of, like one of the leading, cutting edge, cusp of the movement churches. Though it's not really a movement? Tim Keel, our founding pastor, whom I love dearly and showed me a path to Jesus is one of the voices that has truly brought this idea to fruition. Funny thing is though, I never heard this term till someone clued me in on a segment they watched on "Wretched" about the "emerging" church. Post-modern, post-liberal, post- protestant, all of these things I have heard and witnessed, BUT, never had language to describe them?
I do not know what I think about all that. I could spend alot of time describing and expressing what my church means to me, and the life it has called me to live and person whom to be, but that would take alot of words and time and my day must get started. I am going to keep gathering information on this and try to figure out what this means to me and how I am going to go about solidifying this concept in my head. Will this information lead me to some type of decision? I am happy where I am at. I love my church. I love God. They love me. But what kind of truth do we have? How am I being called to follow God and live out HIS plan for my life. It really is, just come as you are, find your place and experience community. We speak more of social justice than on truth, service and sin. I am soooo confused now. :(
Who am I supposed to believe about all this? Is this vague foundation spiritually the very reason why I am struggling with so many questions? Do I have any absolutes?
I am just gonna stop now, but if ANYONE has any input, I would appreciate it greatly. I am looking for an answer, and I am not getting anywhere. Peace
Woke up this morning feeling pretty happy with the fact that I was released from jury duty! Went for a run and just enjoyed the weather. The trees are budding and all the little plants are saying hello to this world today. The neighborhood was quiet but also alive with new life. The wind seemed to be singing to me and all the little animals were making their way through the morning, just like me. Birds singing and chirping, the squirrels scampering around and chasing each others tails and everywhere Spring seems to be saying hello to me!
So yeah, I am in a pretty good mood. Nothing much on the agenda today but some phone calls and a visit to the Sprint store again to get my Blackberry replaced. Yesterday was spent taking it easy and setting up the network here at home. I now have wifi in the house and all the computers are networked and linked to the printers and other devices. Will be good to transition seamlessly with music, art and pictures without having to mess with a lot of different cords and locations. Glad to get that project done, fer sure!
There are things on my mind at the moment that have been slowly coming to the front of my brain the last few weeks and I do not have a real coherent way of grouping them at the moment, so I am prolly just going to ramble a bit and call it good.
Going back to school for culinary arts. I have always told myself that when I have the time, space and money I would pursue this passion. That have finally all come together and now I am hesitating on pulling the trigger. It is almost like being worried that this idea I have for another career may disappoint me somehow if I act on it. That I might just love the IDEA of cooking and creating for a living and not actually ENJOY the whole process. I guess I will just have to jump and see where I end up. Kind of hoping it is as intriguing and interesting as I imagine it will be and not just some random quirk I have been entertaining for years.
Relationship with Michael is going well and we are spending more time together simply living life. We have finally reached a good communication level and enjoy each others company for exactly what it is. Living in the moment with an eye on the future. Slowly meeting each others friends and becoming more comfortable with the security of sharing ones life with another. I still don't have a label as of yet for what this is, but I know I have a good friend in him. We have respected each others boundaries, barring a few choices made along the way, and seem to have reached a happy medium of balance and respect. I know that doesn't sound really romantic, but it is. Like I told him the first morning after we met, "You make me smile." He does make my days brighter and my life more meaningful, no matter what we are doing. It is nice to care and be cared for again. Simple is good. No mess, no drama. Never having to say you're sorry is quite nice. Always authentic. So nice...
Been having many thoughts on my spiritual life right now, as it seems to be a bit quiet. I am still seeking for some answers to questions I have about orientation, sexuality, expression and how to forge these somewhat conflicting life stories into a cohesive picture of myself. I know who I am. I know what I believe. How to live this out in a way that reflects the relationship that I have with God. He has been pretty quiet lately, but it almost seems like a peace, not an absence? Friends from church are becoming closer and life is good there. I am looking forward to the Men's Retreat at Tall Oaks and am still deciding if I want to camp or rent a cabin. Two different venues for sure. One is more adventure, the other more amenities. I think if I camp I will have more opportunity to share life and learn from this awesome group of guys in my life. I enjoy both ideas alot, just need to pick one. Would hate to be caught in some spring rainstorm for sure, but looking back at some of the silly things I have done in life, it would be the least of my stories...lol
I remember a camping trip with buddies from the Marine Corp and Navy. I was reading "Into the Wild" at the time and somehow decided on the last night to burn everything I had with me. EVERYTHING! Clothes, bag, cell phone, jewelry, all of it. I spent the night running naked through the woods collecting logs to burn on my massive fire and living like a creature. Got my legs pretty scraped and had an interesting night sleeping naked on the ground, kind of curled up in a nest of evergreen, but it is one of the moments in life where I felt 100% alive and human, There was something primal about it all. It was mammilian to say the least.
Needless to say, when the guys woke up in the morning, they were a bit surprised, but didn't say much besides "morning. " Got to respect a naked man on the ground with a hatchet and a book totally starkers and the coals of a enormous fire still smoldering. When we camp, morning times are for quiet and coming awake. It is that mutual respect in the company of men that recognize boundaries and the sanctity of one another thoughts. They knew me well enough to realize that I had some kind of "moment". Adam was like, "Have a good night?" I told him "yes" and we simply packed up and started our quiet hike back to civilization. Caleb loaned me a pair or shorts and sneaks to put on, We dug the silver out of the fire from my rings and cuff and when we got back to his house, Micah melted it down into an ingot which we stamped with all of our initials. It think it sits on his desk still as a paperweight. Man, I miss those guys!
Wow, random I know...lol
Well I think I am going to go wash the car now. I will be back late to add some thoughts I am sure. Life is going well and I am looking forward to this new season of life. It will bring me good things! Peace.
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Woke up early today to another beautiful Spring day! It is way too bad that I have to spend it inside at work, but such is life...
Getting ready for work and church this morning. Looks like Michael is sleeping in today, but I can understand. He mowed the yard and washed his car yesterday and then we hung out shopping and just wandering around the city. Had a few funny episodes at the jewelry store. He has a stone that he wants to get mounted for a ring and all the salespeople and staff thought we were getting engaged. LOL...they sure were nosy! I finally told the girl that was NOT what this was about, though it still cracked me up. He was wearing his Tiffany and Cartier and we couldn't have been a more unlikely couple. Str8 guy and gay boy is what it looked like, but appearances can be deceiving we all know.
Ran by Oak Park and shopped for some pants for him, He found three pair he can wear to work and he will look sharp. It was just good to spend time with him and be out and about. This week we need to find some more rose bushes and finalize plans on what he wants to do with the landscaping. This is turning into quite the large project, but I am more than happy to help. Just call me the lawn boy I guess?
My thoughts turn to church and the upcoming Men's Retreat. I still have not decided if I am going to camp or stay in a cabin. The price is quite different, but I do love both options. One promises a fire place, amenities and the comforts of a hot shower and soft bed, while the other is a more in tune with my lifestyle. The campfires, sleeping bags and late night talks under the stars. I guess I just feel a bit hesitant in sharing all that space with my church friends, some who know me better than others. What to make of it all, I am not yet sure. I guess I feel the odd man out at times, knowing that in this circle of men, I am the lone gay guy. They love me and I know I have a great support group, but sometimes I can't help but feel that my orientation separates me from them in some unseen way that they instictually sense and that the tone changes when I am not around. Ever get that feeling? It is compounded more so by the fact that in this day and age, where all men are sensitive, I feel and present a lot more masculine than some of them will ever be. At least stereotypically. Many of these guys are pretty soft and tend to lean into their girls and wives WAY too much. Oh well, I am sure I will be fine. I am not there for the guys only and camaraderie, but also for some spiritual insight, male bonding and strengthening of my community. I am looking forward to it.
This week brings the dreaded jury duty...meh! I so hope to get out of it, but have a feeling that I will be paneled and selected to draw out those days in determining the fate of some ugly event and dubious individual. I will serve with some grace and honor, but that does not mean I don't have to resent my civic duty. I just hope it doesn't interfere too much with my life and job. Maybe if I just answer each question with the preface of, "According to the prophecy...blah, blah, blah! " Grrrrrr...
So yeah, feeling pretty good today! Sorry that I haven't been writing all that much. I have had much going on with friends and family, and each of these different relationships seem to be claiming more time from myself. At least I have been able to squeeze in some quality time for kite flying (bought a new one called the Molecule, it's freaking awesome) and long drives in the country with the top down. The summer tan is coming in nicely and I am enjoying the feelings in this guys body as Spring works Her eternal magic on my senses and desires. The sap is definitely rising, but I am learning to exercise some control and discipline over myself, at least where it concerns Michael. Now the whole solitary thing...not so much. Just seems like I can't get enough at times. Weird days and odd nights keep getting me way too horned up even to sleep unless I get off a couple times. You all prolly know what I mean.
The sun is peaking in at me and time is flying by, so I will take off now. Hope you all are seeing new life where ever you may be and that today brings a smile to your face! I have church, work and then a party tonight for Petra at 303. We are bidding her adieu to sunny Florida and she will be missed greatly at work. The night will tell how it all goes I guess? Peace out!
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Hey all, Daemon here...just wondered who was reading my blog lately. As I take a look at the world map that shows IP hits and location, I was wondering who my words might be reaching. I wonder how many people I know actually read this thing and also how many strangers besides my followers care to check out any of the weird things I actually say here at times.
Care to leave a comment saying hey and a few words about yourself? I know I would appreciate it! :D
PS: and if you are a close personal friend, someone in my life or even a family member, let me know! Just been wondering who all has a peek into my life. I figure if I am throwing it out there, might as well know who is in the know. Peace!
So yeah, here goes nothing. I have not been able to find my words or gather my thoughts well, as of late, so I am just going to type here till I feel better or at least get some of these ideas and crap out of my head.
Drove to work today, singing my head off, in the sun, with the top down and sped home tonight, listening to Hillsong at full crank, with a HUGE summer storm pounding down around me. It was an awesome spectacle of blinding lightening, crashing thunder, like a potato wagon on a wooden plank bridge and that rain! Sheets and blinding white sheets of water, like curtains over the whole road. I freakin' LOVED IT! :D
Got up this early and had breakfast with my Da' at Firstwatch, and then Mom and a neighbor showed up! Pretty cool to hang with both of them in the same day. Me and my Da' split and got some serious talking in about my present and future. He still is my closest friend and adviser when it comes to the reality of my life. Is that weird? I don't think so. We have become pretty tight since I met God and been back from the Navy. Kind of making up for lost time and realizing that the only other man like me is him, and man, are we alike! It is simply uncanny at times to listen to him and realize how much I am my father's son. How does that happen? So different, yet so alike?
Much has been going on, but I have been realizing that some changes need to be made. In work, with school, at church, among friends and in my relationship. None of this is going to be easy, but its like I woke up the last few days, found some clarity and remember who I am supposed to be and how much I miss that guy!
Working all day tomorrow then over to Michael's for dinner and a movie. Kind of interested to see what he has to say after last Friday. (long story short, hung with him and his best friend, went to breakfast with best friend, spilled guts to him, wonder what he told Michael) Chris, his friend, really seemed to like me and it was cool to get his perspective and ideas on what he saw us as and how we fit in his eyes. All remains to be seen I guess? Kind of nervous, kind of excited? I meant everything I told him and if he passed it ALL along to Michael, then so be it. At least it's all out there and we can deal with it. I love what we have and will live with it, if I have to. I dunno really. Crapster!
So... no clean car tomorrow, BUT, I have a new rain coat and belt to wear! Kick ass! Bright yellow EB Nisqually Storm Shell and a new brown leather belt. Also managed to get home from work tonight without stopping for a drink or two with friends. That was kind of odd, but cool. Came home, cooked dinner, watched some tube, checked online and then bloggin' here before I crash.
I'd like to get to bed without running the porn circuit too. I pretty much have done what I want with my body and never let anyone make me feel ashamed about who I was or what I did, but I think I am kind of getting burned out on porn. I still jack off everyday, sometimes several times a day, just depends on the mood, but lately...nothing looks good? Is that part of being in a relationship? I really am not sure. I have never had a problem with porn, or thought it was wrong, but now I am not so sure? Just talking to other guys and stuff makes me re-consider the idea that at least it is not the BEST thing to be putting into my head all the time. Is all that too blunt to talk about? I like looking at naked guys. It is something I have done since I was a kid. Anyone have any thoughts on all that?
I know some Christian guys who try to quit masturbating and looking at porn, and I have never really understood that kind of behavior or discipline. What is the point really? Why should I have shame over what my body does naturally? I certainly didn't learn any body shame from my family or friends. I love my body. I like to make it feel good. That makes me happy. This idea of bracing against nature and then somehow being a better person or Christian confuses me completely. I do not hold that conviction and refuse to take up some other persons cross. Don't lay your guilt on me! Eh..maybe I am wrong and need to learn more, but it seems pretty sick to me.
Eh, well it's time to chat with some friends and head to bed guys. Hope to start writing more here if I can ever get my brain working again. Feel free to comment. I know I am in a weird spot right now, but I am NOT giving up. Peace!
Sunday, April 4, 2010
These are words to build a life on
These are Your words how can they be mine
These are words to build a life on
These are Your words I want them to be mine
Blessed are the poor
Blessed are the weak
Blessed are the ones
Who can barely speak
Blessed in your hurt
Blessed in your pain
Blessed when your teardrops
Are falling down like rain
Blessed when you’re broken
Blessed when you’re blind
Blessed when you’re fragile
When you have lost your mind
Blessed when you’re desperate
Blessed when you’re scared
Blessed when you’re lonely
Blessed when you’ve failed
Blessed when you’re beat up
Blessed when you’re bruised
Blessed when you’re tore down
Blessed when you’re used
These are words to build a life on
These are Your words how can they be mine
These are words to build a life on
These are Your words I want them to be mine
Blessed when you’re heartbroke
Blessed when you’re fired
Blessed when you’re choked up
Blessed when you’re tired
Blessed when the plans
That you so carefully laid
End up in the junkyard
With all the trash you made
Blessed when you feel like
Giving up the ghost
Blessed when your loved ones
Are the ones who hurt you most
Blessed when you lose your
Then blessed when you find it
And it has been redeemed
Blessed when you see what
Your friends can never be
Blessed with your eyes closed
Then blessed you see Me
These are words to build a life on
These are Your words how can they be mine
These are words to build a life on
These are Your words I want them to be mine
Blessed when you’re hungry
Blessed when you thirst
Cause that’s when you will eat of
The bread that matters most
Blessed when you’re put down
Because of me you’re dissed
Because of me you’re kicked out
They take you off their list
You know you’re on the mark
You know you’ve got it right
You are to be my salt
You are to be my light
So bring out all the flavor
In the feast of this My world
And light up all the colors
Let the banner be unfurled
Shout it from the rooftops
Let the trumpets ring
Sing your freaking lungs out
Jesus Christ is King!
Jesus is my Savior
Jesus is divine
Jesus is my answer
Jesus is my life
These are Your words how can they be mine
These are words to build a life on
These are Your words I want them to be mine
Give us ears that we may hear them
voice that we may sing them
life that we may live them
hope that we may give them
hearts that we can feel them
eyes that we can see them
thoughts that we may think them
tongues that we may speak Your words
Friday, April 2, 2010
I think some words and writing are in order after the last few awesome days I have had. So much in my head and heart to process and think over has left me less than verbose lately. Have taken some time off of work in order to get my head back on straight and kind of decompress and enjoy this amazing Spring that has sprung here in the Midwest.
The last three days have been beautiful weather, lots O' Sunshine and top down driving, augmented by good food, new and old friends and time well spent behind the wheel and wandering my fair city.
Yesterday found me at my usual haunts through out the day and then at the park flying my new kite. I so love this time of year, when fresh wind, fragrant earth and green grass conspire to bring smiles to this guys face. Went to dinner with Michael at Baja 600 (amazing food, drinks and service) and then we wandered the Plaza. Headed out later that night for another moonlit cruise with the car club and new friends.
Tonight we have a Tenenbrau service at Jacobs Well and Saturday night is an all night vigil till sunrise on Easter. Michael is headed back to his parents place for the weekend and I will be staying here to spend time with all of my family and friends. Life is good, simple and sweet.
Still waking up here at the moment, sipping coffee and cooling down after a long, hot shower. Kind of wrenched my back last night putting the hard top back on, but its mingling with all the other aches from my increased work outs and swimming that is steadily bringing my body back to summer condition, fit and form. Got some sun the last few days too, so really enjoying where this is going. Spring is definitely here and the sap is rising so to speak. I am never really sure what that means, except that it makes me horny and frisky all the time...go figure! :P
Not sure what all today has in store. Tonight is First Fridays in the Cross Roads district and a pack of us will be down, roaming the art galleries and eateries in order to enjoy the music, artwork, crowds of urban hipsters and good times. Then it's over to J-Dub for our Good Friday service and then I dunno...usually some good after parties and time to mingle with good peeps. Not sure what I am wearing tonight as the weather certainly has changed the last few hours.
Been sitting here this morning, watching a thunderstorm move over the trees and homes in the lake district, bringing scents and sounds of new life. I have missed thunder and that wet, clean smell that comes after a good shower. Got outside in it for a bit and just turned my face to the falling water and sky. Just let it wash over me and coat my skin. Goose bumps and all...it felt so good to be ALIVE!
It has blown over now and a subdued gray light has fallen on the refreshed earth. It smells soooo good outside. I wandered around a bit barefoot, just feeling the new blades of grass and damp fragrant ground tickle my feet. Kind of terra firma's way of saying, "Hello Daemon, I missed you. Come out and play!" The flowers and gardens are budding and blooming and everything around me is waking up to the possibility of newness.
Shrug off your woolen cloak of winter and join us! For tonight...we dance the moon and fires of Life!