Monday, October 31, 2011

Goodbye October

I slept in a bit today and have been awake for about an hour now. Went outside this morning in a pair of jeans, a hoodie and stood barefoot in the beginning of the cool last day of October chill.

 The leaves were whispering to me and I arched my back, threw my head up and exhaled straight up into the sky and listened to my back and toes pop and crackle as I stretched as hard as I could towards that sky. My breathe stood in the air, for a moment, like a wisp of smoke that promised to stay then dissipated with a quiet smile and light wave.

The neighborhood was still. No one yet stirred in their beds and the sky still dark as the last leaving stars winked to me. There is an expectancy and hush that comes with these seasons as they change. A curling of time that lets us know: be still, gather yourself and prepare...for winter comes.

When comes the dawn?

I wait.


Sunday, October 30, 2011

Pushing Water for Time

The days are rushing past me, it seems, and suddenly I find myself here at the end of October already. Fall is making its presence known in the changing colors of the leaves, with every sigh and rustle of wind that stirs the leaves down the streets and in the crisp mornings and cool evenings that seem to beg for a warm woolen sweater.

These days seem to pass all the quicker as my life becomes both more simple and full. The mornings and days are filled with work that I love and in sharing life with those I hold closest to my heart. The smiles come easy and the laughter seems to be shared air that keeps us all in tune with each other.

Yesterday my time after work was spent detailing Michael's car and getting it ready for the soon coming Midwestern winter. I did the washing and he the rinsing and then we worked all over the machine, putting on a total of three coats of glazing polish, carnuba wax and high gloss sealant. In the end, while we were tired, it was a gleaming example of fine German engineering and of what two guys can do when they work together. The time flew and while I do not remember all of what we talked about, I know I enjoyed the laughter and smiles of spending life with someone that I love more and more each day.

He took me to dinner and then we went to a car show and simply wandered around all the different vehicles, examining them and discussing a simple shared passion. We got to spend time with my Dad and I am so glad that those two get along so very well. This slow, steady transition into my family over the years has been seamless and I know he loves belonging here. He fits in a way and in a space he never found in his own family and for that I am all the more grateful and thankful for my amazing parents and siblings. We love each other and know how to love others. That is a gift that I can never take for granted.

This morning found me awake at four am and now I am coming alive, sipping my first cup of coffee and contemplating two whole days off of work with nothing planned and no worries about that at all. I  realize that I have been lax in my writing here, but considering recent life events, I have been engrossed and busy elsewhere. Today will bring me to my coffee shop in a few hours and then church and the ensuing flurry of activity that always find me on Sundays. While it is a day of rest for many, I always find it full of the things and people that I love and enjoy. A manic kind of rest, if you will.

My mind is at peace, my body is pleasantly sore and I think it is time to start my day. Hit the shower, throw on some clothes and slip out alone for some time driving around the country side and enjoy the coming sunrise. I hope you are all well and that today finds you with a smile on your face, a spring in your step and a song on your lips.

Life is a beautiful thing.

Make it Magnificent.


Monday, October 24, 2011

Just when I thought I had it figured out...

So life, as I know it, is rather odd at the moment. I realize I have not posted much lately but my head has been elsewhere. I woke up early today and find myself writing here in some attempt to get my thoughts down where I can see them. My mind is such a fickle thing. One moment I am sure of who I am and how I feel and five minutes later I find myself doing things that directly contradict the certainty that I felt previously. I guess that is the human experience, but it sure confuses me. If I find myself baffling then I am sure that others around me have no idea what is going on inside my brain.

Weekend Review: I worked on Friday and after a long day went out and spent some time shooting pool with my buddies and generally relaxing. Got home early and crashed to be well rested for Saturday. Worked the following morning and then headed over to Michael's to help him with his landscaping project. We moved about 3,000 pounds of topsoil into the raised planting bed we built at the front of his house, worked compost into the soil and leveled the entire retaining wall. I was so glad to get that project done! After we cleaned up and relaxed for a bit we went out to dinner on the Plaza and attended the WaterFire event. It was truly breathtaking! We ran into a ton of my church friends so he finally got to put some faces with names. It was so nice to walk hand in hand around the city we live in and not have to worry of be concerned about small minded people giving us crap. :) We got back to his place at about midnight or so and went to bed. We woke up Sunday morning when the dogs came in and would not stop jumping on us. The little scamps! I got showered and dressed thenI headed out to the coffee shop and to church. Hung out in the afternoon watching the game with my friends while he lounged the day away. Came home, slept and now am up enjoying a nice day off.

Okay now that is done, where was I? Oh yeah, thoughts into words. I'll just cut right to the chase. In a simple moment at dinner the other night I heard Michael say something. It was unscripted, unplanned and I think it surprised even him, to be honest. He looked up at me, paused and said simply, "Will you be my husband?"

At first I thought he was joking around, like the other night when we were on the couch watching a movie, I made some comment about his husband coming home and catching us like this. He just looked back at me and said, " are my husband."

I have no idea how I feel right now. This was the one thing I have wanted to hear from this man for 3 years now. I have always been an initiator and aggressor in relationships and life, but I would and could not propose to him, as I know intimately how hurt and broken he has been after the end of his last relationship. I guess he has healed and is open to the idea of spending the rest of his life with a person. That person happens to be me. Now that the moment is actually here, I am at a loss.

Excited, happy, ecstatic, elated, surprised? Oh, hell, yeah! But, man, this is the real deal. I can't even write about it now. I will come back later.


Tuesday, October 18, 2011


This song still moves me, even though I am at a place in my life where I do not know what to believe or think. It still brought me a measure of peace tonight.


Sunday, October 16, 2011

I am awake

Woke up at 5 am, right on the dot and laid there for a moment. My white noise generator softly masked most sounds and my ears strained to hear if it was actually raining outside or if that was merely the remnants of a dream. No rain just wind this morning.

Haven't been writing much lately here. My journal has been taking the brunt of most of my emotionally creative outlet, that and the friends that are so willing to lend a listening ear. Life has been strange but good.

I have two days off now and hope to get some rest in as well as spend time with those I love and care about. This morning will be coffee shop, long drive around the lake with the top down, a walk on the Plaza and then church. Yeah, even with the current faith crisis, I still find myself at church each week. Go figure, I am inconsistent on a consistent and predictable basis, if that is possible.

This afternoon I am picking Michael up and the rest of the day will be about and for him. We both have had a long week at work and I am looking forward to what he has planned and hanging out. :)

Not a whole lot on my mind this morning, just figured I would let you all know I am alive, healthy and well. Guess I will be back when I have more to say about something. Ciao!


Sunday, October 9, 2011

Dealing with it

It has been a while since I last wrote here and I felt the need this morning to put a few words down. This last week has been rather challenging and enlightening as I learn more about myself and the extremes that a rather stoic person like myself can go to in order to avoid pain, confusion and spaces that have no easy answers.

Went to Michael's last night after work and helped him with the landscaping. It has been on ongoing project this week that started with a chainsaw party on Tuesday night. Removing a few bushes from the front of his house turned into trimming all the trees and involved ladders, ropes, climbing gear and me scampering all over the roof as we found more things that needed to be done and he added to my to do list. I got off work yesterday, threw on some grungy clothes and ran over to see what else needed to be done.

We removed the natural stone retaining wall from the south side of the drive way and sloped the yard down to the concrete, then sodded the entire thing. Those stones were then transferred to the front of the house (all 147 of them) and we built a raised planter and flower bed across the east side the entire length of the house. Needless to say, we are both a bit tired and sore this morning. I convinced him to hire a friend of mine Brett to haul in the fill dirt and finish with the trees, disposal and final grading. This has been a huge project, but we have had a great time doing it. I know this winter will bring lots of projects and things to do inside his home but for now, I am enjoying working outside with my hands and spending time with him. Plus the view up the ladder is pretty damn good. :P

We got cleaned up and we went to dinner at Governor Stumpy's, one of our locally owned favorite restaurants. He had the ribs and I tore up some pork chops. We were seriously grubbing after working outside for about six hours. Then we ran over and picked up some movies to watch this weekend and decided to watch "Love and Other Drugs" last night.

Interesting choice that tore us up. A guy falls in love with a girl who is dying, who will not accept his love and so fears rejection. This was their story as they dealt with the impending pain of death, the humor they find in life and the love that grew out of it and the incredibly difficult decisions they eventually make.

Ironic, huh?

After the movie ended, we sat on the back porch on the swing, under the stars while the dogs played in the yard and had a simple and transparent talk about what is going on with us. We talked of our pasts, our hopes and what the future holds for us as men as well as friends. What are we doing here? What is on the table? How far are we willing to share, live, love and grow? He cannot and will not accept another rejection and heartbreak and cannot understand why I love him so. I am unable to explain it eloquently, but my world is a brighter place because he is in it. I asked him to just let me be right where I am and that I would never attempt to move into a place he cannot allow. This is unlike any relationship I have ever had in the past, even unlike the relationship we built when we were last together. This is two guys finding a place in the middle to exist. Not ignoring reality and dealing with how the details greatly impact our choices and actions.

I also told him that should we fall in love again, I will fight till my last breath for him. I am never leaving. I am never forsaking. I am here. I know I will get pushed away again. He will have to create space as this story unfolds but there will come a day and time where I will have to let him know, I won't leave. I won't respect your wishes to reject love. I do not think he is going to be very happy about that initially. I know he won't be. I know him.

The first time he asked me to walk away, I did so, because he asked me to. Doing this cost us almost a year together, not just as partners, but as friends. There will be a day when he pushes back at me and the only thing I will be able to do is wrap my arms around him and hold him. When that time comes, I hope I find the strength to be the man that he needs me to be. For now I am content to hold him in my arms, to feel his head on my chest, to see that smile that is sunshine to me and to walk by his side, whatever that looks like and for however long that may be. If this is all he can share then I will share it.

I do not know about tomorrow but I can do what I know to do and be who I know to be today. That is what love does. I will be right here, by his side, as he will let me. No labels. No regrets.

Just be.


Monday, October 3, 2011

The Anti-climactic and Quiet Death of my Faith

I awoke this morning with an "anti-epiphany" if you will allow me to use that word.

Over the last few weeks and months, I have found more concrete reasons to doubt this institution we call the church and faith. I have communicated this and opened dialogue with my Dad about it (retired explosive engineer and pastor)and have been candid and frank with my observations, questions and reservations about the Bible and the stories and traditions of men.

I grew up as a non-believer incredibly involved in the church as a pastor's kid for social reasons only. I never bought into the whole idea or Jesus that they were selling and was content to be left to myself for the most part. I could play the role they asked of me and was happy to know that that seemed to satisfy them. (the church and my family)

After the church kicked my boyfriend and I out when we turned 18, (fundamental evangelical Baptists)I never really looked back but certainly felt a poignant sense of loss and separation from those I trusted and cared for. I went to school and served in the Navy and never gave the idea of a God that much thought.

After a series of events that were rather traumatic and sudden, I found myself at a place in life where I realized or grasped the idea that God existed. I processed this with friends and community in church and viewed myself as a Christian, albeit somewhat unorthodox in my practice and beliefs.

Lately I have been struggling greatly with issues that concern life, death, love acceptance and family and the common thread and point of contention has been this faith and belief that I keep trying to weave into the tapestry that is my life. I am trying to see God in all of this but desperately becoming more frantic as life appears more random and chaotic.

This morning, after a long and hard weekend, I woke up and told myself, "This is enough. I am done."

I don't think I believe in God anymore, certainly not in the bizarre stories that have been told to me my entire life. I do not want to attend the building and play the social games that the Christians play with each other. I think everyone has their own personal spiritual journey and for a while a Christian faith served as a useful tool in helping me process emotions and events.

That time seems to have passed. It's usefulness, comfort and peace that faith once offered has now turned into a obstacle that unsettles me and continually brings strife and turmoil to all my relationships and internal personal life.

Mark Twain said that "Faith is believing what you know ain't so."

I am rather inclined to believe that with him and I now feel a rather settled peace in this head and heart space. It may eventually pass or be due to current events in my life but I am going to take a break from it all. I am not against those who believe in God. I want to stay here and process life with people that know more than I.

I am just not a Christian.

Has anyone ever went through this place in their life? If so...what did that look like for you?