Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Half Boyfriend :Jay Brannan

I don't know where we're going
but I know we've gone too far and
I hope it isn't showing
but I think I love you and
I can't believe you're leaving
just when I let you in and
when you had me believing
I could feel again

I could give a million reasons
why we should not be friends
our moods change like the seasons
when my mood ends your mood begins and
you're a tease, you're a cockblocker,
you're a loudmouth bitch, and a big talker,
but that's okay
you'll grow up someday

you're the pill I never wanted to take—
an anti-misanthrope
mine was the heart I never thought you would break
my one hope was that I'd survive you

I've shown up for you
in ways that boy never would
but I know you'll go back to him and
maybe you should, but
I hope you don't go backwards
cuz I'm going on ahead and
one day you'll wish that you had
stuck with me instead

as I wander through union square
I remember when you followed me there
you were the stalker I kinda wanted to have
being your half-boyfriend was only half bad

you're the pill I never wanted to take—
an anti-misanthrope
mine was the heart I never thought you would break
my one hope was that I'd survive you

Friday, February 24, 2012

Happy Friday!

I just woke up on this Friday morning and am slowly getting around. The coffee is brewing, the bed is made, vitamins taken, all the usual patterns of waking up and starting my days. Yesterday was so warm I had the top off on the car but it looks like today that Winter has returned for another visit, cold and incredibly windy. I can live with that.

Tonight I have a lot of plans, so it will be a good day, but the first part of the day is all mine. I will of course be headed into the city to grab some coffee and read for a while and I guess I will just figure it out after that. I need to work out later, but I still don't have the motivation to get running again while it is so cold. Maybe if this guy stretching out were running in front of me? I'd stretch out with him...for sure! :)

I have to meet Geoff at 4:00 pm for a benefit we are attending for a friend who is moving. It is a charity auction and fundraiser to help him with financially with the transition to his new city and he will certainly be missed. After that we are going to opening night of a new play at Brian's theater and I am excited about that. I have known Geoff for over 12 years and am so glad that he is a part of my life. It will be good to have two of my best guys in the same place at the same time and they get along great, which is a fantastic thing.

I have no idea what I am writing about. I guess I am just rambling about my day. Nothing too heavy or pressing on my mind. Life is good. Family, relationship, church, friends, all the usual things are ticking right along. I did receive two different offers this past week for positions at companies I had interviewed at, so am debating the differences of each and also trying to discern how committed I want to be to employment. Work and a schedule is something that helps me keep my life on track, but I have also enjoyed my pause from it all for a while. A mini sabbatical, if you will. I do not have to make a decision till this next week, so we shall see.

That is really about the only things on my mind, at the moment. I need to cut my hair, hop in the shower, drink some pre-coffee, get dressed and head into the city. Happy Friday, everyone! I will be back when I have more to say, just been busy with life, and that is a good thing in my book. Ciao!


Tuesday, February 21, 2012

50 Rules for Men

50 Rules to Live Your Life By

Without ambition one starts nothing. Without work one finishes nothing. The prize will not be sent to you. You have to win it. – R. Emerson

1. Focus on what really counts.
2. You can’t please everyone.
3. Choose friends wisely.
4. Tell people what you’re really thinking. People are not mind readers.
5. Understand that you can only control yourself.
6. Learn a new skill this weekend. Repeat!
7. Identify your preferred form of expression.
8. Self-motivation is not optional. Get some!
9. Find great ideas then change the context.
10. Wake up claiming the best day ever
11. Ditch the TV for more time.
12. Do what’s in front of you.
13. Set a limit for having unfinished tasks.
14. Speak your truth.
15. Spend more time with the right people.
16. Set short deadlines for decisions.
17. Consider your appearance and proper grooming.
18. Reward yourself.
19. Take ownership don’t blame others for your situation.
20. Let the little things go.
21. Learn how to negotiate a better deal on everything.
22. Know your top 5 values.
23. Simplify by eliminating anything that’s not essential.
24. Start meaningful conversations.
25. Know what you want.
26. Limit what you borrow.
27. Get the important work done first.
28. Never be dissatisfied with what you have.
29. Lay the groundwork for some future fun.
30. Honor your commitments.
31. Don’t settle for anything less than excellence.
32. Create a routine and stick to it.
33. Ignore the unimportant.
34. Make it manageable.
35. Be careful when you make comparisons.
36. Character counts!
37. Never say, that’s not my job.
38. Get organized.
39. Schedule small tasks for a given time of the day.
40. Don’t underestimate the power of support.
41. Don’t browse online as soon as you get home.
42. Get enough sleep.
43. Speak less. Listen more.
44. Find a gym and start going regularly.
45. Pay attention to what you’re putting off for tomorrow.
46. Stop caring about mistakes, learn from them.
47. Get your financial house in order.
48. No Cheating!
49. Do the right thing because it’s the right thing to do
50. Know the difference between affirmation and information and be careful receiving too much of either.

By Alvin http://www.allswagga.com/blog/about


Wednesday, February 15, 2012

A new boyfriend

Maybe I am just in a writing mood today? I know as I sip my first cup of coffee and put my feet up, I am inspired today to get out and take pictures. The car is clean. I have a fresh haircut. I got plenty of sleep. I dunno? I feel a bit creative, I guess?

So, as some may have noted, I am no longer with Michael. I am not going to write about that right now, and I really am not in a place to answer any questions about it. I met with Tom, a mentor of mine, on Saturday and finally downloaded the past four months with him and received not only a compassionate and listening ear, but also some good practical advice and loving encouragement. He is an amazing soul. Michael and I remain fast friends, but the future that we were planning was not to be, for many different reasons and expectation on both sides of the relationship. I will always love him, as he will me, but the outcome we were expecting and trying to build was not compatible with our current life status, and with that, I will leave it rest for the time being.

This last month, in January, I celebrated my birthday. Through a series of events on that day, I met the guy I am currently dating. I was not looking for another boyfriend or relationship but we also do not get to pick the timing that some people enter our lives. He is no stranger, given the fact that our social circles have mingled and overlapped since we were 18 years old, but we had never been in the same space and point in life to share any time and actually get to communicate. He has known me for years, usually from a distance and told me that he always wondered what my story was and is. He knows my friends and is aware of some of the details of my life, as it pertains to my community and civic involvement, but we were never more than casual acquaintances, familiar faces at events and around town. I had noticed him before but to be honest, was never available, so I tend to limit my interaction with guys I find to be attractive when I am in a relationship.

So, at my birthday party, he happened to be there, invited by some mutual friends and long story short, I ended up spending the night at his house, as I was unable/unwilling to drive. He didn't "pick me up" or anything so sordid, but happened to be in the right place at the right time to rescue me from myself. After lots of good food and way too many birthday shots, as my friends began to leave, I was being passed off to the next round of babysitters until we were down to my core of close friends. I decided that I wanted to leave and kept vanishing from the group and they kept tracking me down. Common sense, when I am rather buzzed, is not my strong suit. Brian kept tracking me down. I had escaped to my car several times, a wasted effort as I had no keys in my possession, and each time he would come out and talk to me. He finally convinced me to join him for breakfast. The comment that I made to Geoff and Randy I believe was, "He is beautiful but talks a lot and has to go!" *smirk*

I guess he cut through my haze and got my attention earlier in the night when he came out on the deck and started listening to me "hold court" and ramble about random crap to my friends in my rather "happy" state. My friends could tell he was interested in me, so introduced us to each other and then kind of faded away. It was about that time that he shut me up by simply leaning in and kissing me. I was surprised. I was happy. I may have bit him. Making out ensued. A tad common, I know, but it was romantic in its own silly guy kind of way. So when he asked to take me to breakfast later, I thought, why not?

We went to a local breakfast joint and spent some time eating, talking and that sobered me up quite a bit. I decided it still was not a good idea for me to drive (and I didn't want him to go) so he offered to take me to his house and let me sleep. I accepted.

He is a gentleman. He is smart. He has a huge and loving heart. He is emotionally and physically available. We share the same faith. He respects and loves me and himself. I did not make the decision to date him that night, or even that next morning. We did not have sex but we did stay up for hours talking. One of those rare conversations that happen at certain times in our lives. We slept. We got up. We went on with our lives. But we had met.

Later that week, I called him and asked to buy him some food, in appreciation for his gallantry and thoughtfulness, plus, he had bought me breakfast, so I felt that I should return the favor. (I also really wanted to see him again) He agreed, and so I took him to a local place in Brookside that I love. When I picked him up, as we drove through the Plaza, he looked over at me, smiled and jokingly said, "Oh, look! We are on a date!" and grabbed my hand. Up to that point, I didn't know we were on a date, but once he told me, I sure did grin my face off. He had the pork chops. I had a steak. We talked and smiled a lot. I took him home. I gave him a kiss. I went home. It was seriously old fashioned. I liked it. :)

So yeah, I have a new boyfriend. His name is Brian. He has dark eyes and hair, an amazing smile, a fantastic body and kind and gentle soul. He makes me smile. He listens to me. He explains himself in words I can understand. He took me to dinner and a play. We are moving slow. I really like him. He likes me.

I am excited and happy. That is all I have to say right now.


Sex, Sex, Sex: Part Two

I happened to take a look at some of the different "most read" posts on my blog and realized that I had never came back to continue the post Sex, Sex, Sex: Part One. Since I happen to be away at 5:30 am today, with some time to spare, I thought I would riff on this off the top of my head.

How do I define sex? That is a valid question and the first answer that pops into my head, as a gay guy, is to define "sex" by my homosexual equivalent to heterosexual sex. (anal intercourse) Sorry to my str8 readers for the mental picture that may conjure, I will attempt to handle this topic as sensitively as I can, if I haven't already freaked you out, though to be honest, the things that you do with females triggers the same reaction in myself, just sayin'.

That definition seems to be the baseline for what I consider to be sex between two guys currently but there is an entire range of other activities that are also considered sex. I guess my definition has changed and grown with me as I got older because my initial sexual experiences certainly were not "going all the way". I do not have to get graphic here in the mechanics and details 'cause I am sure you all know what I am talking about, or at least you should. The fact is, as I first explored myself and sharing my body with another person, there seems to be a rather natural progression that I believe most of us follow, whether gay or str8. If sex was measured by shared orgasms by two individuals then I think a lot of us would be considered big whores.

Man, I am just rambling...let me see if I have a point. Oh, okay. If that is how I define sex, with all the other activities being foreplay or just messing around, then what does sex mean to me? Hm...I am really not ready to write that deep of a blog post. Let me switch gears.

To be honest, I have had a lot of sex with many different guys as I grew up. Typically I have had some type of relationship with them, be it long term dating, a boyfriend, a fuck buddy or just friends from school, sports team, church, or a guy I picked up at the club. I certainly don't mean this to be some type of confessional about my sexual history but there is very little out there on the sexual spectrum that I have not tried. A few things do make me squeamish and freak me out so I don't go there, but I have certainly erred on the side of adventurous rather than reserved. Does that make sense?

So what do all these past experiences mean to me? That is a good question. They are a part of me, I know that. I do not regret any of the decisions I have made to share part of my life and body with another person. I do regret and hurt for the times when I have not been allowed to make that decision. (sorry, dark place I am not going to go right now) I guess in my head, when I look back and consider names, faces, places and spaces, I do kind of carry these different guys with me in my heart and mind. We shared something, whether it was love based or just two horny guys having fun and getting our freak on. They add up, but I do not feel that they are heavy. The smiles and warm feelings far, far outweigh any traces of sadness or wistfulness. In fact, the few negative emotions surrounding past partners is almost a homesickness. I miss some of them, and may always miss what we shared. (also not going to veer off into some romantical, sappy path either)

What the hell am I talking about here? I have no idea, I guess . Taking a trip down memory lane or trying to get some thoughts out of my head. Thinking about the fact that I have been dating a guy for a month and we still haven't had "sex". (which is kind of unheard of given both our histories and sex drives) We have decided to wait on that. I have never waited before. I know that he hasn't either. I am not sure exactly why we decided to do that, but to be honest, I am kind of happy and relieved about the decision. We still spend the night, cuddle, make out and get off together, but we have decided that real sex is going to be special. We didn't even break down on Valentines Day! I think we will know when we are ready.

I am just going to shut up now. Sorry for my lack of coherency or any type of point. I haven't had my coffee yet and I thought for some reason that I could write about sex and actually make some sense. I will have to come back later, reread this and try to figure out what was actually on my mind. I am off to shower, slam some coffee and start my day. Ciao!


Saturday, February 11, 2012

And now for something completely different...

This morning is the coldest day of winter to date. The current temperature as I sit here writing, looking at the waning moon is an arctic 7 degrees. I am grateful that the predicted snow has not fallen and today is to be sunny and clear. I went to bed rather early last night and so find myself awake, starting my day at 4 am. I have many things on my mind, as I have had lately and hope to find a bit of space to jot them down.

Changes in my life. I felt I needed to write that in order to keep my rambling on track. I go through different cycles in time where my life radically changes in somewhat unpredictable ways, that can often leave my friends and family somewhat confused. For instance, since the start of this year, I have changed churches (back to Jacob's Well), lost a relationship but kept a friend (Michael), left my job (Chef at Marriott), enrolled in college (Culinary Program), possibly found a new job (Chef for Cerner), met an amazing new boyfriend (Brian) and generally changed most everything about my daily schedule and life.

It sounds crazy to some people, I realize that, but this type of shift and upheaval is rather common in my life after a few years. I do not experience some sense of timing or click that it is going to happen, but at least I recognize it when it starts to occur. Life kind of happens so I roll with it. These patterns and cycles used to be accompanied by a storm of emotions and confusion on my part, but after so many different shifts over the years, I've rather grown accustomed to them and do my best to usher in the new chapter with little fanfare or turmoil, not just for myself, but for the friends and family I share life with. Those that love me and know me well enough that it occurs and my calm demeanor through out the cycles end and beginning helps them maintain their own bearings.

So, yeah, really about the only thing I haven't changed was home and my car, though in the past, sometimes that flip happens too. I have moved on a whim and sometimes pick out a new vehicle to just shake it all up, but I am rather content and happy with those as they sit. They suit me, I believe.

How do I feel about it all? Well, it was like coming home (which in a way it was) going back to Jacobs Well for church. I had left/drifted away for a time while Tim was in New Zealand as I was having a hard time tracking with the different individuals who would come and teach each week. The focus and content wasn't there and I felt a bit separated and disjointed from my community. Tim is back and I have reconnected with many of my friends and family there and have a simple and settled peace that it is where I am to be.

As far as my relationship with Michael ending, it was a matter of time. He went through some incredibly hard times at the end of last year and I was there for him each and every step of the way. I love him and a part of me always will, but after some heart wrenching honest communication, it became apparent that he was becoming more and more emotionally and physically unavailable, for reasons beyond my control. We are still good friends and share time but a future together as was envisioned and planned is not the healthiest, viable option for us both as guys.

Leaving my job at Marriott was a simple choice. I loved my work (the actual cooking, planning and events) but was beginning to detest the hours (3 am each morning for 5 days a week, plus weekend evenings) and the lack of advancement opportunity and options. I also was sexually harassed on the job by a subordinate and was too embarrassed and confused to report it. The guy, a friend of mine so I thought, wanted a physical relationship with me and could not seem to understand that my no meant no, so one morning I woke up and in the shower realized that it was no longer the place for me. I gave my notice and have not looked back. It was the right decision.

I have enrolled in school at University here for their Culinary Program to actually start my formal training as a Chef. I could not be more excited and it looks as though with my scholarships, Navy GI Bill and the Navy College Fund, I will have no out of pocket expenses for the duration of the program. Now that is something I can cheer about!

As far as the new job at Cerner, I have had my final interview with the head of HR and the Executive Chef this past week and my information is being processed in New York for the clearances needed to cook at their world headquarters. They design the medical keeping software used by hospitals all over the world and I hope to be working with their Chefs serving and cooking for the national and international business clients. Excited...yes, please! It is a matter of getting final approval and a new path will be found to my endgame.

So that kind of wraps it up at the moment...guess it is time to start my day. Going to go meet Tom at Beer Kitchen this morning for some breakfast. He is one of my pastors at church and it is high time we downloaded some new information at each other. He helps me think and is a great sounding board on life issues, especially about love, dating, sex and guy stuff. Well, going to hop in the shower and make some coffee. I hope this post answered more questions that it raised! Ciao!


Monday, February 6, 2012


I stepped outside this evening before bed, looked up into the sky and found this shining down on me. A moonbow, cast by the Lunar light. I have never seen anything like it in my life. Beautiful, haunting, amazing and spectacular. Wow...just wow. This Universe never ceases to inspire me.


Warning: Incredibly violent footage shot of police action by concerned citizens. While difficult to watch and comprehend, this message needs to be spread to each of our United States of America.

The deplorable and illegal actions of a smaller percentage of LEO's should not disparage or impugn the valor and compassion of the majority but when will other concerned citizens who are informed of their legal rights start taking notice of the increasing corruption within the ranks of our public servants and take even simple actions to hold the criminals who wear a uniform responsible?

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Never alone

"No man is an Iland, intire of it selfe; every man is a peece of the Continent, a part of the maine; if a Clod bee washed away by the SeaEurope is the lesse, as well as if a Promontorie were, as well as if a Mannor of thy friends or of thine owne were; any mans death diminishes me, because I am involved in Mankinde; And therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls; It tolls for thee." 

Devotions upon Emergent Occasions
John Doone
Devotion XVII 

The people we allow into our lives, spend our time with, communicate with and share time and space with have a profound and continuing influence on who we are as an individual. The communities we choose, and those that welcome us, have a role in defining who we are, how we perceive ourselves and the actions we take in the world around us. As we live and thrive in these groups of people, interpersonal relationships, and knots of our peers, we continually define, seek, organize, find meaning and discover not only who we are, but what we choose to make our lives about.

As I think of my family, my friends and the myriad of faces that have comprised my past and currently make up my sphere of existence, I am somewhat confused about how they all became a part of my life. I meet people in the course of my daily routine, visiting and exchanging words at the coffee shop, sharing hours of work with my other associates, celebrating events and days with family, attending church, going to the theater and social gatherings, all the places that my body finds itself in the midst of the choices that I am presented with each day that I have lived. I could go into great detail about different friendships, dynamics and ideas of social congregation, but that really is not what is on my mind at this moment. Perhaps I will save those thoughts for another post in the future, but more than likely, it will slip my mental grasp and be lost like so many other paths of thought have in the past. I will not fret because I do have a firm grasp on the mind cable that is attached to this one.

Of these people, as I sit and think a bit, only a small select few have ever accepted me, just as I am, right that very moment and for all the other seconds, minutes, days and hours as our lives overlap and berth against each other in this dock of days. While each person brings with them their world view and beliefs about the experiences they have, all too often they are intent in not only sharing all of their life pictures with me, but they also seemed fixated upon the concept of persuading me to their perspective and altering the very fabric of my reality in order to fit the schema and path they have laid out for themselves. In essence, for reasons I at times understand and other moments have no knowledge of, they believe that my life and theirs will be better served by changing me.

Now granted, I want to be accepted, known and loved as much as any other human that I have met, and as such, I tend to present myself and my life in a somewhat carefully tailored package in order to be the most palatable to the broadest of audiences and least offensive to others unlike myself. I used to feel that this was a good approach to life, but as the years pass, I am learning that it has become an emotional armor that I use in order to protect my true emotions and camouflage myself into a sort of social anonymity. I only assert myself when I vehemently disagree with something or when I do not understand what is going on, but in other respects I am content in watching many people and events just pass me by.

This has not brought about a life of integrity and authenticity and I am slowly learning this by observing more of what others say and do and letting down those walls of self protection that have been erected over so many years, for various reasons. I guess in some respects, I have begun paddling against the current of life and have started simply being present and self aware to a much larger degree. I speak up now, and instead of couching my words and phrases to appeal and win approval, I am stating my mind, as I know it at that time, based on my past experiences and feelings. I have started making choices based on what I personally would like to do or want, and simply communicating to others the motivation for my somewhat baffling change in behavior. If I do not want to be somewhere, I leave. If I want to do something, I go do it. If I have something to say, I think a moment, and then say it. When I disagree or do not understand, I say something right then.

The people who have subtly and overtly been trying to modify me, my actions or thoughts are no longer very welcome in my life. I will maintain friendships with those I love and trust, but the individuals who have sought to manipulate me for their own reassurances and the bolstering of their systems of thoughts and actions are slowly fading to the sides of the central stage. I am welcoming people who disagree with me to speak their minds and sharpening the edge of who I am on the communication that takes place in the middle ground.

I have a few key individuals in my life who accept me, just as I am, with all my current flaws, eccentricities, strengths, weakness, moments of inspiration and odd perspective on life. I know they care about me and want to see me live my best life first. I find an immense amount of gratitude for those who tolerate my bewildered perspective, confused ideas, misunderstood and often skewed vision of the world around me. They do not want to change me. The want to know me. They want to be known. And in this overneath of the innertween...I find friendship.

I find love.

I find myself.

“Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.”

~Dr. Seuss