Friday, December 30, 2011

Got called a Faggot: Lessons learned

I just got home from work and am sitting with my feet up, eating a simple lunch and reflecting on some different things that I have learned from other people in the past few days. I cannot say I have fully grasped what they have spoken into my life and in many ways the ideas do not sit all that comfortably with me, but once I have a bit of distanced from the conversation and am able to examine the message without all the emotional load attached, I am beginning to realize at least a part of what they have told me is true. I thought I might as well sit down and try to write a bit of it out, not that others will find them as profound as I have, but in a effort to truly grasp what I am attempting to grasp from them.

I got called a faggot this week by someone I consider a friend. It was not used as a term of endearment or in a joking friendly way, in the manner that we sometimes do in my circle, but rather, it was loaded with hate and venom and still stings and upsets me. This is basically what was said to myself and another friend at a car club meet.

"Seriously though, I don't like hearing about two dudes pretty much fucking each other. I was raised by a man, therefore will act like a man. It's the PUSSIFICATION of America that people like you support that ruins this country. Whether it be by God, or my opinion, you can go to Hell. FAGGOT."

" Why do gays get to be all up in your face about it? A gay man will never be as manly as me because I get pussy, and I LOVE it. You know? That good old thing that that women have between their legs. Until two men can reproduce, I don't want to hear it. Gays can speak their mind all day, and they usually do. But when I (the typical American) give my .02 cents about it, I am deemed ignorant. I don't care if they are flamboyant or timid about their homosexuality, I just don't want to hear the details about their love life."

"I am not back peddling here. You want to be flamboyant, you get called a FAGGOT. You want to be attracted to the opposite sex, you are gay. No different than being black or a nigger, white or white trash, Mexican or a beaner and so on and so forth."



Basically how this conversation came about was a bunch of friends and guys from my car club got together for a drive and cruise since the weather has been so nice. We all were standing around talking about whatever and some of the guys were discussing their relationships. My friend (the only other out gay guy in this car club) was in the conversation and related a story about a awkward moment that had happened with him and another guy this last week. The story he told was not sexually graphic and related to what the other guys were talking about, namely, sleeping with a person who said they are single only to find out later that they had lied. After he said his piece and asked for advice (he works with the boyfriend of the guy he slept with who lied about being single) one of my friends completely flipped out on him. I tried to reason with him and he turned on me. He was being completely unreasonable and hateful about homosexuality and wouldn't even back down when our other str8 buds told him to can it.


Now these are guys I have built cars with, hung out at the lake with over the summer, been in their homes for dinners and spent time and life with. Even the guy that called me a faggot and told me I was destroying this country was someone I considered my friend. I helped him install the engine in his Mustang and have helped him in the past with concrete work and other odd jobs. He is a good guy, has a great girlfriend and we all have got along and then BAM! He flips out.


The lesson I learned? Sometimes you don't know people as well as you think you do and even those you consider friends can actually be bigoted, racist people. It only takes some trigger to make them speak their mind and when they do, no one wins. This is why silence about ourselves can be so damaging to ourselves and others. Hiding who we are does no one any favors but it will be a long time before things are truly equal in this country. Sadly, I served in the military to defend the very freedoms that allow this guy to spew hate and vitriol at me. I pointed this out to him but he did not care. He felt that by us talking about our lives, as everyone else in the group was, that we were being "flamboyant" and "shoving it in his face". If you knew me or my gay friend, nothing could be further from the truth. If we were so flamboyant how did he know us both for two years and never grasp that we were gay? It had never come up in conversation and really isn't important unless it does become a point. I truly thought I was going to have to physically defend myself and my friend at one point because the discussion got so heated. I was upset and my and my friend just left without going on the cruise. I will have to think long and hard about hanging out with him again, knowing how he feels but I am thankful for all my good friends who did speak up for me and my friend. This double standard that this country runs by is not fair or equal. It is okay to be gay as long as I don't actually do anything gay or ever, ever mention it. Is that how str8 people live? Not at all! They are always referencing their sexual orientation each and every day, with their dating, their stories, their marriages, their children. It is heterosexuality being shoved in my face and I am just supposed to take it and keep my mouth shut? Where is the equity in that? This hate comes from one place...the Church, but that is another blog post entirely.


Now for the good stuff, kind of. Something else that was pointed out to me this week as that I often speak and communicate as if my own personal opinions are actually facts and truth, not just my opinion. At first I was upset when my friend told me this, but I had to stop and think about it. Many times I do not know the difference between fact and opinion. It all seems and feels the same to me in my head. The way that I see things and believe about them IS my truth but I need to realize that other people see things vastly different and in my communicating with them in this manner, I often come across as an asshole or at least a very insensitive person with no empathy or regard for others peoples ideas, beliefs and opinion. 


Lesson that I learned? It can be summed up in a good quote a friend sent me this week by Anias Zim.


"We do not see things as they are. We see things as WE are."


So that is what I am thinking about today as I eat my lunch. Being open and honest with people, despite their reactions is the only way to hope and build towards a day of true equality. Those who live in a closet hurt themselves and others. While I can appreciate all the reasons they may give for doing so, their lies that they base their lives on only serve to make others feel justified in the belief that we have something to ashamed about or keep a dark secret. The closet is not really a closet but a coffin, for it kills the person in it a bit each day and serves to keep their true self buried from others. I realize coming out is a huge decision and at times MUST be delayed for reasons of safety, dependence on parents or other life factors, but those who continue to live in an independent lie for their own comfort or the comfort of others are doing themselves and others a huge dis-service. If you are ashamed of who you are, the someone taught you to feel that way. When you live a lie due to that shame, you are telling the world that they are right and that the hate they point and pour on us for our sexual orientation is warranted.


That is all I guess. I have tons of things on my mind, these are just a few I was kicking around today. Hope you all are well and that you have a safe and Happy New Year! Michael and I are going to dinner at Bo-Ling with our friends and then to two different parties. I know we are going to have a blast though I am a bit nervous. His best friend from Atlanta and college is coming into town and while I know about him and he knows about me, we have never met. I hope I pass his approval! :)


Ciao-zers!


daemon





Tuesday, December 27, 2011

I seriously need to get my butt in gear and write some stuff out but my journal and friends have been taking the brunt of my sharing lately. Still have a lot of things all crammed together that are not ready to come out of my head and heart but I have had and am having a fantastic holiday despite some rather heavy circumstances and situations.

Tonight finds me pretty tired rather early and I might just turn in soon. I have two whole days off and I am excited for the "me" time as well as the plans Michael and our friends have for celebrating the turning of the New Year. Hopefully tomorrow morning will find me in a head space ready to share a bit more of what has been going on in my life or at least some rambling words about what crosses my mind from time to time. It is not so much the unwillingness to write but rather the loss of a healthy habit. I need to reconnect with the creative head space that got me started here and I think I know just the way to do that.

More words and stuff later! Thanks to all the new readers who have swung by and for all my constants that support and help me each of my days along the way. It really is turning out to be quite the adventure!

daemon

Monday, December 26, 2011

I freakin' love his music!



And he is easy on the eyes, too! :D

daemon

Sunday, December 25, 2011

Thursday, December 15, 2011

Why love?

The end of this year is fast approaching and I could not help but notice that I have written far less on my blog than in this past year. I do not think it was from lack of inspiration from the events in my personal life, but rather the change in schedule, different turbulent events and my own individual reticence at sharing some of the more intimate and sensitive details with the different people that come along and read my words.

This has not prompted me into a flurry of writing to compensate for lack of sharing but rather it has pushed me back over this last week into the perusal of my own personal writing in my journals. The words and thoughts I have found there while reading back through the past year has given me a time to pause and reflect over what has transpired and elicited many different emotions as I read the words penned on different days about the time and circumstances that have transpired.

It has been a rather difficult year in some respects to say the least. Family, faith, , friends and love have factored prominently and my emotions and feelings in each situation have shifted wildly at times. I seem a man tossed on an ocean barely keeping my head above water at times all the while attempting to project a calm and cool exterior of a guy who has all his shit together and a ready answer for everyone and every thing that happens.

Nothing could be further from the truth, but in that realization, I have found that I am learning to reach out to others. To ask and seek out what the people in my life think about what is going on and actively listen and apply some of the advice and truth that they have shared with me out of the wealth of years, knowledge and experience that life has brought them. This has not been an easy task as it has always been further complicated by the interior pride and independence that I wish I actually had versus the reality of my existence often as a lost and seeking soul of a boy who still is baffled and hurt many times by the trials and tribulations that this life seems fraught with.

I guess, in part, I am finding more integrity with my exterior and interior life and have started to live out who I truly am instead of projecting and emulating whom I wish I was. Authenticity is a elusive and shaky concept at best and my hardest efforts at such often find me bewildered and hurt when attempting to share. The verbal processing that I do with the people in my life often reveals to me in that instant what I am truly feeling and sometimes once the words are out there, they are not my true self, but rather a jumbled mess of emotions that get aimed like a cutting edge at the very persons who love me most. In the effort to rid myself of the pain and confusion I am feeling, I end up passing it to them, as if I somehow think that if we are both hurting in some way, that I will feel the pain all the less.

Some things have been gnawing at me, in my guts, in that innermost place where a man can be himself. That quiet and biting voice that I can never escape from that tells me that I am not good enough, not smart enough, not talented enough, not beautiful enough. Not enough of all the things that others would want. That if they truly knew the "me" me that they would not love me and in fact would shun and reject me.

This voice is a lie. I am learning this now. The people who truly love me, love me. Just me. They do not love me for the body I am in, the personality I have, the talents and gifts I possess, the things that I own, the money that I make or any of the things that I do. They love me. There is nothing I could do to earn this love and there is nothing that I will ever do that will make them stop loving me. In this discovery I found a simple but stunning truth.

I do not love me.

Oh, don't get me wrong. I am selfish like any other human. I like the idea of me. I am madly in love with the portrait I paint for myself each day to shield and protect me from all in this world that I find scary and baffling, but I do not love the "me" me. Over this past year I have reached out to friends, old and new, and shared events and experiences from my past that I truly never felt that I would open up to another human about in my entire life. In each of these exchanges, I fully expected to find pity, disgust, revulsion and hatred from those I hold dear in my heart, but instead have found acceptance, compassion and an unfaltering and unshakable love for me, just as I am. I would not be myself if it were not for these things and knowing my past history, the real version, not the carefully edited and well lit parts, but the entire journey has brought me closer to them and restored my faith in how others can help us carry our pain and hurt. A shared burden truly is lighter and the silence that I have shrouded parts of my past in has created an airless void that slowly has suffocated my soul.



And they love me.

This I need to learn.

How does one learn to love oneself?

daemon

Saturday, December 10, 2011

A response

Awake

Morning came softly and I awoke to the quiet rushing sound of white noise and thoughts that brought my mind back from that interior space that it travels to in those hours of sleep that reset me each day. I climbed out of my bed's warm embrace, slipped on a pair of flannel pants and walked quietly through the still house. The refrigerator's bright light flashed briefly in the kitchen and then was dark.  Cold clean water in a deep blue polished glass has never tasted quite so good. I stood and sipped it in the almost dark and noticed that the full white moon was casting my faint shadow back on the hardwood floor. Gazing at the moon I wondered, who am I?

I am still not quite awake but my day has begun. My thoughts are not quite ordered but I am at a place of tenuous peace. This week has changed things. Subtly in ways that I can not quite put my finger on, but there is a differentness to everything about me. It can only be felt with something that is either a combination of all of my five known senses or possibly some other sense that has yet to be defined or clarified. No what the matter, life has changed. My eyes, my mind, my heart is translating life in an altered fashion and I am not quite aware of what has passed and begun anew.

I can rest easy in this space because it feels like progress. Something is in the space around me that is moving me forward. Maybe it has always been there and I am only rarely perceptive enough to be cognizant of its existence. Is this the passing of time? Is it maybe maturity and growth settling lightly onto me with each days end and new beginning. I do not know but I will be present to its existence. I want to know.

I am still unable to write coherently about the events that are transpiring but please know that I am well.

daemon

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Hey all

There are circumstances occurring in my life that I am unable to write about here. Needless to say, it has been the longest and most stressful week of my life emotionally and physically. I hope to wrap my head around everything and be back to writing soon. I simply cannot communicate about my reality and wanted all to know that I am alive and living. Hope you are all well. I may be back later to write about completely unrelated things, it just depends on what I feel like. Peace to you all and maybe a little bit for me as well.

daemon

Sunday, December 4, 2011

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

My day

So work went smoothly today, though it was rather long. I managed to finally escape the kitchen after 10 hours. Though weary, I left with a feeling of accomplishment in a job well done. I prepared several boxed dinners before I left and spent some time taking food to my parents, some neighbors as well as my friends. Salads, fried chicken, meatloaf, mashed potatoes, gravy, green beans, dinner rolls, cheesecake and chocolate chip cookies. I just dropped in and surprised them all and that was a lot of fun. Unexpected gifts of good food never fail to bring a smile to your loved ones faces. I really dig my job some days.

After getting home, I avoided the computer, the television, my music, chores and new books and laid down to rest. I ended up waking up at 6:30 pm and realized that tonight was our guy's group at Greg's place, so texted him to see if it was still a go. He shouted back fast, so I threw on a sweater and some jeans and headed into the city. He has this amazing loft in the River Market that commands some spectacular views of the river as well as the skyline.

I arrived just a 'lil late and decided to sit outside the group on the floor and merely listen. That of course didn't go well with everyone so Greg grabbed another chair from his bedroom and insisted I sit with everyone. I kind of was comfy against the wall observing but I went ahead and complied, knowing it was important to him and the others.. This is a group of 10-15 guys from my church that get together once a week to download life and share what is filling our days, heads and hearts. Many of my close friends were there, but there are also others I am just slowly getting to know, so it always makes for a good crowd and discussion over coffee, some snacks and good music.

So I just listened. I didn't participate, merely sat there and heard what others had to say this week and to be honest. I enjoyed myself. This is certainly a very diverse and unusual group of guys from all walks of life and backgrounds. One guy writes amazing poetry and shares it. Some of the guys play music and sing. One by one, they all share what is in their hearts and mind this day. It is a really neat way of bonding and building community that really doesn't happen much these days outside of a bar with copious amounts of alcohol to lower our inhibitions enough to be authentic. Now granted, it's not some sappy bromance love fest either, but it is good for all of us and for our souls as men.

I slipped out at the end and checked in with a friend from the Navy. Been helping him work on his Wrangler and were planning on going shooting at the range this Friday on my day off. We both have some new toys we have been itching to try and I know it's going to be a good day. It is going to be packed for sure. Meetings with two different friends, finding time to enjoy myself and then blow off some steam at the range. Shaping up as a good day off indeed.

Driving home tonight, I had a lot on my mind and decided to come home and write for a bit. Nothing really weighing me down but I have realized that I cannot escape faith. In fact, in letting go of many of the things I have been taught my whole life, I am actually finding belief growing stronger. Strange, that.

So now I am eating a late dinner, catching up on news and friends and generally winding down my day. Nothing huge to report. It is 11 pm and all is well. I hope that you can say the same.

daemon

PS: That watch is a Nixon 51-30 that I have been dating for almost a year now. I might just have to pull the trigger and buy myself an early Christmas gift tomorrow. I freaking love that thing!

Monday, November 28, 2011

Monday morning and thoughts on the week

I awoke this morning to the dogs gleefully pouncing on Michael and I...at 5 am. So much for sleeping in on my day off. I padded around the house, making coffee, doing little start of the day tasks and waited for him to roll out of bed. After about 15 minutes it was apparent he was having a rough go at waking up, so I crawled back under the covers and just cuddled him for a bit until his eyes opened and he was ready to join the waking world. I sent him off to the shower as he was going into the office today.

The dogs, once fed, started prancing about and generally being the little scamps they are. They had sacked out during the movie and had several long hours of sleep on us both. We stepped outside to let them run and do their business and looked in quiet wonder at what artwork Jack Frost had been up to as we slept. He pointed out Orion guarding the night and we just peacefully watched our breath rise in vapor enjoying our moment in the quiet dark.

I got his bag together for the day, made sure he had everything he needed and kissed him goodbye and watched as he backed out of the garage and started his commute. Is this a taste of what marriage could be like? Simply sharing life, each day, as it comes in simplicity? Knowing the space and time we have for each other is ours and only worth sharing with others in small bits and pieces?

I took my shower, shaved and buzzed my hair. It had begun to get a little shaggy, at least by my standards and I am ready to break out all my winter hats and beanies, so it was high time for a trim. Not a lot of things feel better than a new hair cut, except maybe for cleaning my ears with a Q-Tip. Now that is some human pleasure right there!

My face is a little bit chapped and stubble burned from making out last night. For some reason, we can turn into two horny teenagers at the drop of a hat. A Sunday night spent snuggled on the couch watching a movie was just the thing we needed after a long hard work week. I put in 7 days in a row and he had worked at least 48 hours as well. Time we spend in tends to be even better than going out to see and be seen. Plus I can steal kisses anytime I want without worry, not that I let others change how I show my love, but one does have to be a bit mindful, even in this amazing city.

We were walking back from the Plaza lighting ceremony on Thanksgiving and night and had spent a magical evening enjoying the music and the crowds. Once the fireworks went off, we kissed and enjoyed holding hands and strolling arm and arm enjoying the Christmas lights and bustling crowds. He commented to me at the restaurant that I am the only guy he has ever been with where he felt safe and secure enough to share emotion and affection with in public. That made me feel incredibly happy and a bit sad all at the same time. We don't do anything that other couples wouldn't do. Hold hands, touch easily, maybe a kiss or hug, but for some reason, there are still people in this world who hate anything that is different from their hetero-normative world view and feel that we are "shoving it in their face"? Wouldn't the converse actually be true? All the heterosexuals are always "shoving it in our faces" to be honest. They talk about their marriages, their kids and have no problem with PDA...but for some reason, when we do it, it becomes a problem.

The wonderful evening was a bit marred as we returned to our car and a SUV decided to slow down and yell "Fucking Faggots!" at us, then sped up and drove away. This upset him a lot, but I simply pulled him closer and kept talking quietly as if nothing had happened, all the while keeping an eye on those around us and the departing SUV. I am protective of him and will never let any harm come to him. I wish I could shield him from the hate and aggression that so many chose to express at us and I feel only pity for those who let what others have taught them rule so much of their hearts and minds.

I cannot help but hear in my head those words..."Love one another."

daemon

Thursday, November 24, 2011

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Morning

My days keep starting earlier and I find myself throwing down a few words here at three in the morning before I head into work. To say life has been hectic lately would be an understatement and there seems to be no relief in sight, at least until the holidays are over. Everything in this season seems to revolve around food and family!

The ginormous turkey is thawing and my fridge is quickly filling up with all the things that I will be putting together for our family dinner on Thursday. I do get excited about these things! Great news also that my little sister will be coming back from Peru a month early and will arrive on Thanksgiving Day just in time to be with us all! Pretty stoked about that, even though her and I don't always see eye to eye.

Looks like were going to have a full house and I will still be working that morning before returning home to cook up a storm. Michael is getting a bit nervous about going over to my parents for the huge family and friends thing but I keep telling him it will be fine! Over the years my family has always welcomed everyone who ends up with us on the holidays though this will be super special due to him being my other. I have several other friends who will be joining us and I just hope he calms down and can enjoy himself. I know once he gets there he will chill out. My family has that calming effect on people.

Going into work a bit early to take care of some logistical things and get ready for my day in a leisurely fashion. Had to fire one of my kitchen boys yesterday but it was a long time coming. Wish I had more thoughtful things to say at the moment but my brain still isn't quite on. Missed the guys dinner last night but was way too tired to get back out after having been up since 2 am yesterday. Tomorrow is the big day and it will be long! Work, cook, eat, visit and then to the Plaza to watch the lighting ceremony and usher in this holiday season.

I will be back later to hopefully write about the people and things in my life I am thankful for. Hope you are all well.

daemon

Saturday, November 19, 2011

He who loves least...

...controls the relationship.

I stretched hard and rolled out of bed up a short time ago and padded through the house as my brain booted up. I woke up today to the first true weekend off in over five months. A whole Saturday and Sunday to call my own, almost like a normal person. A south wind is blowing warmer air and the sun was already up. Kind of strange for a person for whom days start at three in the morning.

Coffee is brewing and music beckons me to a place where I felt compelled to write. As I sat in my sun room and considered the day, the quote I opened with rose to the surface of my mind.

"He who loves least controls the relationship."

Yesterday after work, I came home, did the weekend chores of laundry and house cleaning and spent some time getting ready to spend these two days with Michael. He gave me a call when he got off work and I headed over in a clean car, all scrubbed and polished for dinner and night out. A bit of a rarity lately, due to our working and life schedules.

I arrived at his house to find him brushing his teeth in the living room and the dogs bouncing all over the place in their excitement to see me. Those little girls have slowly worked their way into my heart and time spent with them is always fantastic. Kirby and Fallon; our own little family, if you will.

He had an errand to run and we headed over to the local hardware store to buy a new cut glass globe for the ceiling fan on his porch. After he carefully decided on one we then turned our thoughts to dinner. Between Mexican food or Chinese we finally settled on headed to the Plaza to one of our favorite Chinese spots. A new men's clothing store had opened, so we spent a bit of time browsing the new collections before deciding that none of this stuff was too our liking and tastes but we did have a good time checking out all the other hot guys there browsing and shopping as we were. :)

Our curiosity sated, we walked arm and arm to our restaurant and decided to pause in the lounge for a drink before we were sat at our favorite table. We paused and talked with strangers and generally just enjoyed each others company. Whether raking leaves, taking a road trip, snuggling on the couch, or wandering around the city, the best part of it all is just being together. He is my sunshine. When we are together, everything is better. I may falter at times but one glimpse of that smile or touch and I know all is right with the world, even for a bit.

After a cocktail, we were sat and ordered our appetizers and spent some time people watching. Our usual table is this ginormous circle booth that could seat 8 that sits on a slightly raised platform with a great view of the Plaza and the restaurant. I guess it is our own version of a life simple movie and we enjoy just watching others and telling ourselves stories about the people we see. Cody, our server, knows us well enough to attend to everything we need with minimal talk and we had a fantastic dinner.

We decided to go out for a change instead of heading home and dropped by a few new places and enjoyed the music, danced a bit and shared time with friends. He was really talkative last night and I just simply listened and was content to be with him. Where his is, I am happy.

In the midst of it all, I realized, that we were in love and had been for quite some time. Now that idea may seem strange considering our plans and relationship and it was not a revelation to me. It is something I knew and simply looking at our lives would show that fact. We fit and we have since that very first night that we met. There has never been any question about our compatibility and affection for each other. That is not to say we haven't had our own challenges and adventures, but I love this man and he loves me. Together we are greater than the sum of our parts.

And then...while lost in half thought while listening to him ramble about German cars and his desire for a new convertible I realized... I love him so much more and so deeply than he ever can me. I know he loves me. He shows this in all that he does, in every choice and action and is always quick to tell me this in the words I can understand and by his touch and  simple gestures, but I love him more.

I told him last night that if I could afford anything in this world he would ever want, I would gladly give it to him, just to see him smile ever the more.

It is not earth shattering. This was no epiphany. It was simply the realization that, I love him more, so much greater than any way that he cares for me. I understand the inequity. There is so much past, experiences and realities on his side of the relationship that I can sympathize with him and his place but never truly understand. For him to give me his heart, after all that he has been through and goes through daily, is nothing short of miraculous. In his position, I would be hard pressed to ever open up and reach out to another guy in my entire life. Yet, he chose me and I him.

I just feel at an odd place. I have always been the initiator and aggressor in my relationships. I have always "felt" in charge or at least been allowed to believe so. But here, in this now, I am being led.

Funny thing though...

I trust him. I love him. I want to spend the rest of his life walking beside him. If that means for once I bend into the will of another then I accept.

It is a safe place. This is a partnership.

Does it really matter who leads at times?

So I leave you with this:

Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot, who calls you back when you hang up on him, who will lie under the stars and listen to your heart beat, or will stay awake just to watch you sleep. Wait for the boy who kisses your forehead, who wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweats, who holds your hand in front of his friends, who thinks your just as gorgeous when you wake up with bed head as you are when all polished up. One who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares for you and how lucky he is to have you...the one who turns to his family and friends and says, "That is him."

daemon

Friday, November 18, 2011

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Up too early

Woke up about an hour early this morning and for some reason my body is telling me I have had enough sleep so I listened and rolled out of bed. Have not felt prolific as of late so my posting here has been a bit hit and miss.

I don't have anything very pressing on my mind this morning, or at least that is how it seems at the moment when my brain has yet to boot up. Had some dinner at Stephen's last night though I wasn't all that hungry. It still was good to see friends from church and talk.

Still fighting a bit of this cold and cough thing. My abs are getting rather sore from it all and the little cough seems like a chirping refrain in the soundtrack of my life as of late.

How well do we truly know these people around us that we call family and friends? We might have a myriad of facts and information about them that we piece together with their presentation of life and feel that we have a firm grip on their person but as I examine myself from many different angles, internally and externally, I realize how very little those facets add up into a true example of who I am to others.

Motivation. That driving force within and prompts my decisions and actions. The internal monologue so private and visceral, it is rarely even uttered in words thoughts to my own self.

Um...that was some kind of random deep thought? Guess my brain is working up and the thing it is thinking about is transparency and authenticity. Do I have it? Is it healthy or is a certain amount of obscurity and omission ever a good thing for the protection of ourselves and those around us?

I really do not know but I am trying to find out.

I do know exposure and disclosure can suck.

But how else are we to be known and know others?

daemon

Friday, November 11, 2011

Wistful

Sometimes there are just not words enough to place thoughts and feelings into space and time. Memories and the past seem to get jumbled into a head and heart by the passing of time and as the days and years go by, they stack one on another, like well worn books. Dust collects and certain pages stick together as you tell and re-tell yourself the stories as they didn't happen but wished they had. Age lends a patina and golden glow to events that brought so much confusion and pain. And in the reminiscing and heart's journey, somehow the truth gets lost.

Some days I walk back into those rooms in my head, the ones I rarely visit and have been kept closed and silent for all these years. I breathe deep the familiar smells and cast my eyes slowly over each memento stored there against hope and then with a resigned sigh, shrug the shoulders of my mind and walk slowly out, pulling the door firmly closed behind me with a resolute and hushed 'snick'.

Walking back down the hall, I cannot help but to think, that if I had someone to go there with me, that I may...just may be able to enter those places one day with the courage to throw back the shrouded curtains and let the streaming sunshine of reality cast its cleansing gleam over innocence lost and dreams shattered. Each piece laid carefully aside. Each thought so carefully gathered and stored, nestled in all my yesterdays.

All those pictures in my head. Faces and places gone now. The wistful tears and unfilled promises. The horrible nights and loneliness. Each pain, hurt and fear slowly swept into polished wooden boxes and placed gently on shelves. So much beauty surrounded by so many instances of loss. Where have they all gone? Who is this boy whose large solemn eyes stare wistfully back into mine? That face forever captured. Rare smiles and quiet nods. Years lost in silence and to books. Head bent over a piano, slender hands and fingers moving slowly, each note capturing what his heart could never bring up out of his chest and to his lips. Hoping, praying, wishing that some one would rescue him, would love him, would want more than the only thing he had to offer.

That boy still lives in those rooms. Shut off from the world. Different ages and times. His eyes and face change with time, but still those brown eyes ask, "Will you love me for me?"

I miss him and so wish I could reach out across that space from the doorway to where he sits staring at the floor and let him know that he is not alone. I will never leave him. I will always love him. When all are gone, I remain.

I am him.

daemon

Monday, November 7, 2011

I found this beautiful

Funny how a melody...

I came home today with the intention of changing into some well worn jeans, a comfy sweater and heading to my favorite coffee shop to read the afternoon away. Life has a funny way of changing by its virtual state of being and I find myself here doing a bit of writing while listening to the music of my childhood and younger years. So many memories and times a simple song can summon to mind. Years seem to roll back and I can literally see in my mind's eye the different places I grew up and the many faces of the boy that eventually became this man.

So here I sit, in a pool of nostalgia pondering my latest conversation with my Dad. While it may not always be easy for him to share his feelings with me, the son most like him that he has, each year that has gone by has brought us closer to each other. While he can still infuriate me to no end (and I him, surely) we have found our voices and in the years we have left are taking that walk together where we can relate to each other as men. I have so much I can learn from him, but am also learning that he also gains much from me in our exchanges. We have come a long way from where we were and for that I am forever thankful.

Another song plays, this one the tune that imprinted itself in my head when I graduated from Navy Recruit Training Command. My parents, siblings and boyfriend Chris had made the journey to Chicago to see me Pass In Review and it came on the radio as we were driving back to the base to say our final goodbyes before I shipped out to Submarine School in Groton, CT. It got stuck in my head and heart and held me over on so many lonely and homesick nights when all was dark and I had nothing but the sea to haunt me of days gone by. I wandered the earth for a few years after I got out of the Navy and this song always took me back home, even if but for a moment, I was back in that Suburban with all the people in the world that I loved. It gave me hope that one day, some day, I would see them again.





Strange the things that music can do to us. I find myself just rambling now, but I am okay with that. My mind is just drifting in its own way down the paths of all those years. Place in this world I have been. Faces met, known, loved and forgotten float to the surface. Some names I can grasp, others no more than a familiar smile and they are gone. I told my sister about the song in one of my letters and sure enough, the single showed up one day for me at mail call. Man, all those letters they wrote. Pictures from home. Baking cookies for my whole division at RTC so they would have something home made on such an important day. All the name of guys with no family I would send my Dad and the letters he would write to them and the way their heads would jerk up when they heard their named called out during Mail Call. Man...time just keeps rolling back.

All those years at sea...nothing but my inner thoughts, the open sky and water from horizon to horizon.

I am starting to realize my mileage is not getting lower and time and tide wait for no man.

All this from a couple melodies and words and now it is time to cook dinner. I'll be back.

I always am.

daemon

Saturday, November 5, 2011

Gay or European?



This cracked me up, but then, I am also medicated at the moment?

daemon

I've been sick *sniff*

Welp, it is two pm on a Saturday afternoon and I am still in my pj pants, listening to the soundtrack of "500 Days of Summer" while watching my cooking shows with the mute on, texting with friends, doing a week's worth of laundry and trying to not move too much. I have had some kind of horrible flu thing since this last Wednesday morning and it has wiped me out.

Worked Wed, Thurs, and Fri morning before I finally called 'uncle' last night around ten pm. All my time off work was spent hibernating in bed for ten to eleven hours at a stretch and I can assure you, when I am sick, it is not a pretty sight. I am a grouchy, grumpy, sniffing, coughing, growling, mewling, whining mess of a man. Much better for everyone to stay out of my way and ignore the sick guy.

That being said...I feel about 53.9% better this morning and am able to get around the house without too much soreness and random fits of lung wracking coughing. I must say that the coughing jags make for one hell of an abdominal work out. Maybe someone should look into induced coughing as a possible muscle fitness thing. Now I am just rambling. Sorry. These meds that I am on make for one disassociated sense of being.

I don't recall this song being that fantastically happy? Aside: Joseph Gordon Levitt is one hell of an attractive man.

Ahem...where was I? Ah, yes. So I have been sick but am recovering. I have taken, took, whatever three days off from work to rest and am doing my dead level best to remain at home regardless of how my mind keeps trying to trick me into running errands or heading to the coffee shop. I feel a bit of cabin fever already but I can deal with that. I want to be at my best before I try anything, otherwise I will never get any better.

I have no idea what they are making and eating on this bizarre show. It looks like some weird sausage made out of marshmallow but they are Asian, so I can't read their lips. Grrr... Nothing in this show makes sense. This cannot be food. I can't watch it anymore!

Tomorrow, I hope to be on my feet to get to my coffee shop (missed it for 4 whole days!), church and then hang out with Michael the rest of his weekend. It has only been a few days and I still miss him so much! I don't want to get him sick but I am feeling selfish, too. I know I wouldn't be fun to hang out with anyway when I am like this. Talking on the phone has had to suffice and he brought me some soup, crackers and 7-Up while I was asleep. He is such a sweetheart.

I guess I will shut up now. I have nothing of value to add. Off to take a hot bath and hit the sack again.

daemon

Monday, October 31, 2011

Goodbye October

I slept in a bit today and have been awake for about an hour now. Went outside this morning in a pair of jeans, a hoodie and stood barefoot in the beginning of the cool last day of October chill.

 The leaves were whispering to me and I arched my back, threw my head up and exhaled straight up into the sky and listened to my back and toes pop and crackle as I stretched as hard as I could towards that sky. My breathe stood in the air, for a moment, like a wisp of smoke that promised to stay then dissipated with a quiet smile and light wave.

The neighborhood was still. No one yet stirred in their beds and the sky still dark as the last leaving stars winked to me. There is an expectancy and hush that comes with these seasons as they change. A curling of time that lets us know: be still, gather yourself and prepare...for winter comes.

When comes the dawn?

I wait.

daemon

Sunday, October 30, 2011

Pushing Water for Time




The days are rushing past me, it seems, and suddenly I find myself here at the end of October already. Fall is making its presence known in the changing colors of the leaves, with every sigh and rustle of wind that stirs the leaves down the streets and in the crisp mornings and cool evenings that seem to beg for a warm woolen sweater.

These days seem to pass all the quicker as my life becomes both more simple and full. The mornings and days are filled with work that I love and in sharing life with those I hold closest to my heart. The smiles come easy and the laughter seems to be shared air that keeps us all in tune with each other.

Yesterday my time after work was spent detailing Michael's car and getting it ready for the soon coming Midwestern winter. I did the washing and he the rinsing and then we worked all over the machine, putting on a total of three coats of glazing polish, carnuba wax and high gloss sealant. In the end, while we were tired, it was a gleaming example of fine German engineering and of what two guys can do when they work together. The time flew and while I do not remember all of what we talked about, I know I enjoyed the laughter and smiles of spending life with someone that I love more and more each day.

He took me to dinner and then we went to a car show and simply wandered around all the different vehicles, examining them and discussing a simple shared passion. We got to spend time with my Dad and I am so glad that those two get along so very well. This slow, steady transition into my family over the years has been seamless and I know he loves belonging here. He fits in a way and in a space he never found in his own family and for that I am all the more grateful and thankful for my amazing parents and siblings. We love each other and know how to love others. That is a gift that I can never take for granted.

This morning found me awake at four am and now I am coming alive, sipping my first cup of coffee and contemplating two whole days off of work with nothing planned and no worries about that at all. I  realize that I have been lax in my writing here, but considering recent life events, I have been engrossed and busy elsewhere. Today will bring me to my coffee shop in a few hours and then church and the ensuing flurry of activity that always find me on Sundays. While it is a day of rest for many, I always find it full of the things and people that I love and enjoy. A manic kind of rest, if you will.

My mind is at peace, my body is pleasantly sore and I think it is time to start my day. Hit the shower, throw on some clothes and slip out alone for some time driving around the country side and enjoy the coming sunrise. I hope you are all well and that today finds you with a smile on your face, a spring in your step and a song on your lips.

Life is a beautiful thing.

Make it Magnificent.

daemon

Monday, October 24, 2011

Just when I thought I had it figured out...

So life, as I know it, is rather odd at the moment. I realize I have not posted much lately but my head has been elsewhere. I woke up early today and find myself writing here in some attempt to get my thoughts down where I can see them. My mind is such a fickle thing. One moment I am sure of who I am and how I feel and five minutes later I find myself doing things that directly contradict the certainty that I felt previously. I guess that is the human experience, but it sure confuses me. If I find myself baffling then I am sure that others around me have no idea what is going on inside my brain.

Weekend Review: I worked on Friday and after a long day went out and spent some time shooting pool with my buddies and generally relaxing. Got home early and crashed to be well rested for Saturday. Worked the following morning and then headed over to Michael's to help him with his landscaping project. We moved about 3,000 pounds of topsoil into the raised planting bed we built at the front of his house, worked compost into the soil and leveled the entire retaining wall. I was so glad to get that project done! After we cleaned up and relaxed for a bit we went out to dinner on the Plaza and attended the WaterFire event. It was truly breathtaking! We ran into a ton of my church friends so he finally got to put some faces with names. It was so nice to walk hand in hand around the city we live in and not have to worry of be concerned about small minded people giving us crap. :) We got back to his place at about midnight or so and went to bed. We woke up Sunday morning when the dogs came in and would not stop jumping on us. The little scamps! I got showered and dressed thenI headed out to the coffee shop and to church. Hung out in the afternoon watching the game with my friends while he lounged the day away. Came home, slept and now am up enjoying a nice day off.

Okay now that is done, where was I? Oh yeah, thoughts into words. I'll just cut right to the chase. In a simple moment at dinner the other night I heard Michael say something. It was unscripted, unplanned and I think it surprised even him, to be honest. He looked up at me, paused and said simply, "Will you be my husband?"

At first I thought he was joking around, like the other night when we were on the couch watching a movie, I made some comment about his husband coming home and catching us like this. He just looked back at me and said, "Silly...you are my husband."

I have no idea how I feel right now. This was the one thing I have wanted to hear from this man for 3 years now. I have always been an initiator and aggressor in relationships and life, but I would and could not propose to him, as I know intimately how hurt and broken he has been after the end of his last relationship. I guess he has healed and is open to the idea of spending the rest of his life with a person. That person happens to be me. Now that the moment is actually here, I am at a loss.

Excited, happy, ecstatic, elated, surprised? Oh, hell, yeah! But, man, this is the real deal. I can't even write about it now. I will come back later.

daemon

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Grace



This song still moves me, even though I am at a place in my life where I do not know what to believe or think. It still brought me a measure of peace tonight.

daemon

Sunday, October 16, 2011

I am awake

Woke up at 5 am, right on the dot and laid there for a moment. My white noise generator softly masked most sounds and my ears strained to hear if it was actually raining outside or if that was merely the remnants of a dream. No rain just wind this morning.

Haven't been writing much lately here. My journal has been taking the brunt of most of my emotionally creative outlet, that and the friends that are so willing to lend a listening ear. Life has been strange but good.

I have two days off now and hope to get some rest in as well as spend time with those I love and care about. This morning will be coffee shop, long drive around the lake with the top down, a walk on the Plaza and then church. Yeah, even with the current faith crisis, I still find myself at church each week. Go figure, I am inconsistent on a consistent and predictable basis, if that is possible.

This afternoon I am picking Michael up and the rest of the day will be about and for him. We both have had a long week at work and I am looking forward to what he has planned and hanging out. :)

Not a whole lot on my mind this morning, just figured I would let you all know I am alive, healthy and well. Guess I will be back when I have more to say about something. Ciao!

daemon

Saturday, October 15, 2011

Sunday, October 9, 2011

Dealing with it

It has been a while since I last wrote here and I felt the need this morning to put a few words down. This last week has been rather challenging and enlightening as I learn more about myself and the extremes that a rather stoic person like myself can go to in order to avoid pain, confusion and spaces that have no easy answers.

Went to Michael's last night after work and helped him with the landscaping. It has been on ongoing project this week that started with a chainsaw party on Tuesday night. Removing a few bushes from the front of his house turned into trimming all the trees and involved ladders, ropes, climbing gear and me scampering all over the roof as we found more things that needed to be done and he added to my to do list. I got off work yesterday, threw on some grungy clothes and ran over to see what else needed to be done.

We removed the natural stone retaining wall from the south side of the drive way and sloped the yard down to the concrete, then sodded the entire thing. Those stones were then transferred to the front of the house (all 147 of them) and we built a raised planter and flower bed across the east side the entire length of the house. Needless to say, we are both a bit tired and sore this morning. I convinced him to hire a friend of mine Brett to haul in the fill dirt and finish with the trees, disposal and final grading. This has been a huge project, but we have had a great time doing it. I know this winter will bring lots of projects and things to do inside his home but for now, I am enjoying working outside with my hands and spending time with him. Plus the view up the ladder is pretty damn good. :P

We got cleaned up and we went to dinner at Governor Stumpy's, one of our locally owned favorite restaurants. He had the ribs and I tore up some pork chops. We were seriously grubbing after working outside for about six hours. Then we ran over and picked up some movies to watch this weekend and decided to watch "Love and Other Drugs" last night.

Interesting choice that tore us up. A guy falls in love with a girl who is dying, who will not accept his love and so fears rejection. This was their story as they dealt with the impending pain of death, the humor they find in life and the love that grew out of it and the incredibly difficult decisions they eventually make.

Ironic, huh?

After the movie ended, we sat on the back porch on the swing, under the stars while the dogs played in the yard and had a simple and transparent talk about what is going on with us. We talked of our pasts, our hopes and what the future holds for us as men as well as friends. What are we doing here? What is on the table? How far are we willing to share, live, love and grow? He cannot and will not accept another rejection and heartbreak and cannot understand why I love him so. I am unable to explain it eloquently, but my world is a brighter place because he is in it. I asked him to just let me be right where I am and that I would never attempt to move into a place he cannot allow. This is unlike any relationship I have ever had in the past, even unlike the relationship we built when we were last together. This is two guys finding a place in the middle to exist. Not ignoring reality and dealing with how the details greatly impact our choices and actions.

I also told him that should we fall in love again, I will fight till my last breath for him. I am never leaving. I am never forsaking. I am here. I know I will get pushed away again. He will have to create space as this story unfolds but there will come a day and time where I will have to let him know, I won't leave. I won't respect your wishes to reject love. I do not think he is going to be very happy about that initially. I know he won't be. I know him.

The first time he asked me to walk away, I did so, because he asked me to. Doing this cost us almost a year together, not just as partners, but as friends. There will be a day when he pushes back at me and the only thing I will be able to do is wrap my arms around him and hold him. When that time comes, I hope I find the strength to be the man that he needs me to be. For now I am content to hold him in my arms, to feel his head on my chest, to see that smile that is sunshine to me and to walk by his side, whatever that looks like and for however long that may be. If this is all he can share then I will share it.

I do not know about tomorrow but I can do what I know to do and be who I know to be today. That is what love does. I will be right here, by his side, as he will let me. No labels. No regrets.

Just be.

daemon

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Monday, October 3, 2011

The Anti-climactic and Quiet Death of my Faith


I awoke this morning with an "anti-epiphany" if you will allow me to use that word.

Over the last few weeks and months, I have found more concrete reasons to doubt this institution we call the church and faith. I have communicated this and opened dialogue with my Dad about it (retired explosive engineer and pastor)and have been candid and frank with my observations, questions and reservations about the Bible and the stories and traditions of men.

I grew up as a non-believer incredibly involved in the church as a pastor's kid for social reasons only. I never bought into the whole idea or Jesus that they were selling and was content to be left to myself for the most part. I could play the role they asked of me and was happy to know that that seemed to satisfy them. (the church and my family)

After the church kicked my boyfriend and I out when we turned 18, (fundamental evangelical Baptists)I never really looked back but certainly felt a poignant sense of loss and separation from those I trusted and cared for. I went to school and served in the Navy and never gave the idea of a God that much thought.

After a series of events that were rather traumatic and sudden, I found myself at a place in life where I realized or grasped the idea that God existed. I processed this with friends and community in church and viewed myself as a Christian, albeit somewhat unorthodox in my practice and beliefs.

Lately I have been struggling greatly with issues that concern life, death, love acceptance and family and the common thread and point of contention has been this faith and belief that I keep trying to weave into the tapestry that is my life. I am trying to see God in all of this but desperately becoming more frantic as life appears more random and chaotic.

This morning, after a long and hard weekend, I woke up and told myself, "This is enough. I am done."

I don't think I believe in God anymore, certainly not in the bizarre stories that have been told to me my entire life. I do not want to attend the building and play the social games that the Christians play with each other. I think everyone has their own personal spiritual journey and for a while a Christian faith served as a useful tool in helping me process emotions and events.

That time seems to have passed. It's usefulness, comfort and peace that faith once offered has now turned into a obstacle that unsettles me and continually brings strife and turmoil to all my relationships and internal personal life.

Mark Twain said that "Faith is believing what you know ain't so."

I am rather inclined to believe that with him and I now feel a rather settled peace in this head and heart space. It may eventually pass or be due to current events in my life but I am going to take a break from it all. I am not against those who believe in God. I want to stay here and process life with people that know more than I.

I am just not a Christian.

Has anyone ever went through this place in their life? If so...what did that look like for you?

daemon

Thursday, September 29, 2011

Remembering the Fallen



This made me weep. Thank you Davey for being love. I see hope for us all in the way you live.

daemon

Wandering

An afternoon at home, a bit of a rarity for me, to be sure. Came home from work and simply sat. Sat outside under the wide sky and was there. It felt good and then my mind kicked in and reality came rushing back at me, like it always seems to do when it detects any hint of peace. But at least, for a few short moments, I practiced the art of being present.

Listening to music now, feet up and wondering if I should forgo the nap in favor of enjoying the rest of my day out and about. I have had a bit too much "out and about" the last few weeks to be sure, but always feel that wanderlust urge to keep moving. Such is the life of a nomad.

Kind of in a tough spot in life right now. I have pretty much come to the conclusion that God is an asshole. I could explain in great detail why I feel this to be correct but I will just let it stand for itself. I am learning that I truly believe very little. In fact, so little that I could sum it up like this: I believe in something but I have no idea what it is and I am okay with that for the moment.


This is another weekend for a funeral. My heart is heavy with that thought. I do not understand death and have never been able to process the fact that a person could be here on moment and then not here in their body any more the next moment. I cannot say I approve of that part of the plan of life, if there is one.

Tonight I have going to grab some wings, pizza and a movie and crash out with Michael and share time and space. I need some not thinking about stuff time and I love cuddling up and kind of drifting off to that place we create when we are together. We get to shut the world out a bit and orbit each other. I think that love could be found there, in that space.

Had a good talk with my Mom and have decided not to run away to Germany. I knew I had to download that idea with someone who could help me see the the outcome of that ill timed decision. (By the way...I was planning on going to Germany and maybe never coming back from Europe for a while. Kind of forgot to mention that to anyone. Sorry)

 It would have been the start of a grand tour of Europe but there are too many other things in life that I have committed to and need to accomplish before I wander off on my next adventure. This time, at least for a while, I will stay put. Too many people love me here to abandon this life I have built just because the road is steep and hard. My past has always been a pattern of putting to sea, of hitting the open road, of taking to the skies whenever things became too much for me to process. This time...I shall remain.

So here I am. Possibly in love. Falling out of faith, Still searching for answers. This is common to us all but my true test will be what it takes to stop me. And if and when I do stop...will I start once again?

Monday, September 26, 2011

Hurt



So Blogger has changed the interface and somehow this huge blank wall of white space to fill seems even more intimidating than in the past? I came home this morning and have simply sat with myself, distracted myself with music and the internet, chatted with some friends and tried to process my so called life and the blur it has become.

As one can tell, my writing here has become a bit sparse. It is not for a lack of things to say or events to process but more of a mental locking down in bewilderment at the rather odd array of choices that have crammed my space and time for these last few weeks.

I have been trying to examine my past and sift through some years of confusion and pain. I have attempted to write about some of them, with mixed results, while other things I carry deep and fast within my heart and brain. Some that I thought I would take with me to my grave have slipped out to friends at odd moments of clarity and disclosure. Simply letting them rise to the surface and be discussed with a few trusted friends has broken loose so many conflicting and dizzying emotions that my initial reaction has been to act out, to emote badly and try to lose the pain in drinking, hanging with friends and sleeping around. Not a healthy or auspicious start to the healing process, no?

I told my Mom the other day that I am fighting with God. It think that was a rather true statement and I am still fighting with Him. Actually right now, I am not speaking with Him because I do not know what to say and am kind of pissed off at Him and how freaking scarce He seems to make Himself. Why won't He just speak plainly about stuff and stop being so damn mysterious. Hell, he came to earth and then didn't start talking for 30 years and then when He did open up, it was all riddles and stories that seem to be all backwards and strange. He says that He is here but I can't see Him. He says He loves me but I can't feel Him. He says He is in control but life seems like a crazy set of circumstances and events that just happen.

Just got news that my Mom's little sister died suddenly today. My little sister called crying and upset at work to let me know. It was sudden and there was no warning. She is simply gone. I was close to her. We often would share time and words when life and schedule permitted and she understood me. Her last husband happened to be a gay guy, though she was rather blind to that and that divorce hurt her a lot. I spent a lot of time listening and simply being there for her. I think the last time I hung out with her was at my G-ma's funeral? I don't know if I feel anything at all about that at the moment. I process death oddly. I simply don't feel anything and then stop thinking about the person. Not sure if that is healthy but it is how I cope.

Got to meet with pastor Kyle this week and kind of download what is going on in my life, past and present. The issues that concern me and some of the changes I would like to see happen. Church and faith is very conflicting at the moment but remains something that is helping me right now even when I leave the service or group of friends more irritated and pissed than when I arrived. Each week I tell myself I am never going back but something there keeps pulling me into its orbit. I need something. I am missing some element or truth that has to be discovered. This life I am living must have more purpose than what I have discovered so far. I hope to find some answers and stop living in such a wastrel and self destructive way. I do not know how much more of it I can take.

 I do stupid crap. I am not sure why. I think maybe I am in pain and have been for many long years. Why is looking back such a hard thing to do? Confessing stuff to someone else seems to make it more real and then I feel exposed and fragile, like they have my rapidly beating heart in their hands and could crush me at any moment. Why is it so hard to trust? I worry that when I tell people who I really am, how I really feel, what has really happened to me and the choices I have made that they will not like me or love me anymore. What to do when the facade and carefully constructed house of cards not only starts to fall but also catches fire. I feel emotionally naked and exposed. I do not like this feeling.

What I do like is the way my friends have accepted and loved me. Nothing I have shared or said, even at my worst moments when life is ugly and hard, has caused them to turn away or belittle me, shame me or condemn. They just have been there and I so appreciate it. Life is confusing. I am not sure I like it at the moment. I will simply keep doing what I know to do and attempt to stop doing what I know to be non-life giving. That is easily said and much more harder to implement in reality. I had two days off and never slept at my house in my bed once.

 What am I running from?

What or who am I running to?

Who should I be?

 I have forgotten the me I am and or would like to be.

 I just feel lost.

 I have to get this pain out of my heart and head somehow.

What I am doing is not working well at all.

I do not know how much more I can possibly take.

daemon

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Friday, September 16, 2011

Really?

So, this might well be, the worst post I have ever made, but I am okay with that.

I am sitting here in my PJ pants, a pile of sliced cheeses on my left and bowl of chips on my right with a tall glass of iced Green Tea waiting and trying to make sense of my life in these past few weeks. There is a pizza waiting, of which, I shall eat far too much, and then collapse in a food coma until it is time to get up for work. I weigh this with the fact that due to stress and poor life habits, I have lost over 22 pounds on the last month or so.

It is kind of scary. The more I try to eat, the more I lose and the more I puke in the shower in the morning when I cough so hard I fall over and pass out for minutes at a time. I really hope this morning, that color I saw without my glasses on was not blood. I looked rather dark. Maybe it was the orange juice?

So life...is strange. All my familiar habits and rituals pretty much got shot to shit this past month due to work and the change of friends and patterns. I feel pretty much lost except for my work schedule. When I leave there, all bets are off.

I have been on 3 dates with my ex-boyfriend with one coming up tomorrow. I have slept with 2 almost strangers. I have been sexually harassed at work twice.
I have defriended all my church family on Facebook. I have bought more alcohol than I would care to admit. I have become the guy that over tips the service people. I have not seen those who love me. I don't return calls. I hang up on people that I know. I wake up to strange songs.

In short, I am falling apart.

Sure...my bills are paid. My life is in order. But underneath...I am all fucked up.
I don't have the answers. I am not that smart. I am horny all the time. I don't know who I love. God is confusing and His people keep making me feel weird.

I keep flirting with girls. I keep noticing guys. Life is all kind of one big miasma of noise and cacophony. However that is spelled. I keep going to church, cause I don't know what else to do and keep going out to clubs cause I don't know what else to do.

There has to be more than this. I have love all around me and can't accept it. There is sex to be had and it doesn't make me truly happy. I want to believe something but it seems shallow. My heart hurts but maybe I deserve it.

I can keep spending this life like found money but it will run out. Do I want to be here when that happens?

daemon

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

I Can't Write

I can't write. I have tried to for several day and just sit here in front of my computer and nothing will come out of my head through my fingers.

It sucks.

Things are happening. Nothing is easy but life is certainly changing.

I hope to be able to get some thoughts down this week.

I really need to get some junk out of my head.

Cliffs: Been on a few dates again with Michael, my ex. James and I are no longer speaking for the time being. Choices I have made the last few weeks have not been the best but I am learning through them.

That is all.

In the woods



Craigery Morgan

Thursday, September 8, 2011

Ramadan Ends: Iran Celebrates By Hanging Six Homosexuals




 Iran Celebrates the End of Ramadan:
Six hanged in the City of Ahvaz,
Three of Them for "Lavat" (sexual intercourse between men)


Iran Human Rights, September 5: According to the reports from Iran, six people were hanged in the Karoun prison of Ahvaz (southwest of Iran) early Sunday morning September 4th.

The state run Iranian news agency ISNA reported that three of those executed were sentenced to death by the Ahvaz revolution court, convicted of "unlawful" acts based on the articles 108 and 110 of the Iranian Islamic penal code. Articles 108 and 110 of the Iranian Islamic Penal code are part of the chapter covering the punishment of "Hadd" for "sodomy". Article 108 says: "Sodomy (or Lavat) is sexual intercourse between men”, and article 110 says:”Punishment for sodomy is killing; the Sharia judge decides on how to carry out the killing".

The men were identified as: "M. T.", "T. T." and "M. Ch." (age not mentioned for any of them) and besides being convicted of sodomy, had also committed other offences such as kidnapping and robbery, said the report.

The spokesperson of Iran Human Rights (IHR), Mahmood Amiry-Moghaddam, said: ”Yesterday’s executions for sodomy might be among the rare cases were the Iranian authorities admit to having executed men convicted of homosexual acts". He added: "Iranian authorities normally present such cases as rape, but rape as not been mentioned in this case".

IHR is currently investigating the case of the three men executed for sodomy.

According to ISNA, the three others executed in Ahvaz today, were "A. H." convicted of keeping and trafficking of 6309 grams of heroin, and "J. N." and "A. Sh." convicted of rape and robbery.


The report didn’t mention the age of those who were executed.



Amiry-Moghaddam warned about a new wave of executions scheduled for the coming weeks in Iran. He said: "After a short break in the executions due to the Holy month of Ramadan, we have received reports about many scheduled executions in the coming days and weeks in Iran". Amiry-Moghaddam added: "Many of the scheduled executions are planned to be carried out publicly".

Source: Iran Human Rights: September 5, 2011



Thursday, September 1, 2011

Summary

Just woke up from a five hour nap to see a friends face on the television as he announced his lawsuit against the Roman Catholic Church for sexual molestation and abuse.

Came home from work, fixed lunch and laid down for a nap that lasted five hours.

Went to our guys dinner the other night and had finally had enough of the remarks and attitude from my so called "Christian" friends. So I left, came home, de-friended them all, erased their numbers and am going on with my life without the baggage.

While driving home from work, I got a phone call from Michael, my ex. We talked and have been texting the last few days. Taking him to dinner this Sunday night. Incredibly excited but cautiously reserved. I still love this guy.

Left shoulder still wicked sore from a work out. Been favoring it the last few days. Ibuprofen not doing the trick. Doctor after the weekend.

Holiday coming up and found out today I will be working Monday. Five hundred person wedding feast. Better to be making it then spending it I guess? Bugger...

Parents and family headed back East for the National Congress and our annual family vacation. Will not be joining them. A bit sad. I miss New England and all my society peeps and family. Maybe next year. :(

Got a pool party and a lot of other things scheduled to fill my time. Not going back to that church or any church for a while. Just want them to pay me my money and leave me alone.

Trevor (guy of the month) leaves tomorrow. Bittersweet. Going to miss that kid.

If you found my blog through Twitter, welcome! Feel free to look around. Just scraps of my life I throw up here while trying to process and figure stuff out.

Other than that...I got nothing.

daemon

Monday, August 29, 2011

Cold Star

A boy experiences new desires while watching a man at an indoor swimming pool. Forced up the  diving platform by a rowdy gang he receives unexpected help.

A mesmerizing short film about bullying, tolerance and sexuality. While initially unsettling to me, I also found it intriguing and inspirational.

One person CAN make a difference to many.


Coming Out: Davey Wavey Uncut

Friday, August 26, 2011

What am I here for?

Well, that last post of the silly gym sign ended up being my 500th post! Rather anti-climactic I guess, but then I do not place much import on numbers. I have had much going on but very little desire to blog about it. I was asked by a friend of mine, David, why my blog posts lately have not reflected what we have been talking about in real life. I replied that I did not want to give my detractors more personal information with which they could attack me with but I have realized that was a bull shit excuse. I have just been scared to be honest about the reality of the conflict I have been involved in and have felt that if I wrote about them here I would look bad. I would have to eat my words about how "good" my life is and no one enjoys being wrong or looking like an idiot.

Some things ARE good right now and those are the things that I mainly share, but by ignoring the bad/different I am not finding any answers to the questions and situations that I do not understand. Now granted, I can't change overnight the way I communicate about my life but I can be more transparent, not only for my therapy but also in hopes of receiving feedback and advice from the different people who find there way here.

Now...I know my ideas and questions will not be popular and I will catch a lot of flack from both sides, but when it comes to matter of faith and orientation I am really swimming in deep waters here. If you are offended by what I have to say, I am sorry. Don't read it. If you feel that you are the sole holder of what you consider "truth" you can also kindly take a walk. This is my actual life we are talking about and no cliche or pat answer from you or some professional "christian" is going to solve my problems or make me feel better. Go blow smoke up someone else's ass.

Okay, now that I got that out of the way, maybe I can hold onto my train of thought enough to get some words down. I hope so...

Church right now is confusing the hell out of me. I have been attending a new church, which I was invited to and have really enjoyed my months there. I was growing unhappy at my first church and didn't really feel like I was plugged into the community. I was kind of the token gay guy and a lot of it seemed like social justice and a place for young people to meet, feel cool about themselves, kind of talk about some God stuff and get married. Yeah...marriage was like the main goal it seemed like. That and being an urban hipster. I love my peeps there for sure, but since I have not been back (mind you I was there for a few years and really involved in activity) for literally 3 months, not one has called or commented about it. Literally when I run into them around the city, they still think I go there. Shows how much I matter.

Anyway, at the new church, I really dig what is being taught and how welcome and loving the whole group has been from the pastors on down. The pastors have even had me over to their house, met for coffee, actually take an interest in me and all of us as a community. The group of guys I have met have quickly become a large part of my social life and we do good stuff and talk all the time about what is going on in our lives spiritually. I have been out as a gay christian since day one and have yet to run into some weird or off response. Def not your usual church.

That being said, I can't get a str8 answer on what they think about homosexuality AND I still kind of have no idea what I think either. I seemed to dangle and sway between two places. Anything goes when the whistle blows and God made me this way OR the crazy crap that some people believe. (ie Fundamentalism, abomination, hell, yeah) Sad thing is, since I grew up being force fed that junk by different authorities, part of me still kind of sublimates it and believes. So what the heck? I know it should only matter what I believe, but I don't even know that on a day to day basis. Where does this church stand? My pastors answer was honest at least, he said he doesn't really know. I know that I am loved there and welcomed not only to attend but also lead and be involved. That means a lot to me, espec during this confusing time.

Now this is the part where people jump in and start telling me what they think about homosexuality and the Bible, and I kind of want them to. If you have more hate to spew, I'd rather not read that or if you think I am called to a life of celibacy, you are one crazy mofo. Read that Bible again, freal.

Okay, church makes me crazy but I like it. What should I do/think/feel?

Next topic: James. We are no longer together. File that one under un-reconcilable differences, namely faith incompatability. Sucks... but that's life. Of course I am hurt, bewildered and confused, but I am not getting into that right now. I actually have met another guy and we have been hanging out some. We are not dating, just having a good time and being friends. I think I am done with dating for a while. These last two relationships have been amazing but have ended for much of the same reasons and they both hurt. If there is anything I have learned is that there is always someone to date. I am sure they can keep till I figure me out again. You know my life was a lot easier before God came along and screwed everything up.

So basically I feel like crap sometimes and when I do, I go out and party alot. Drink till I can't remember a thing in the morning. This has become more frequent and quite frankly it embarrasses me to admit it. Something has to give. My church guys have seen me this way and it's not been cool. Either I am an emotional wreck about stuff or freaking ecstatic and happy sometimes all within hours of each other. What the hell is wrong with me?

I keep looking for love and keep finding sex. I want a good Christian guy, but that never seems to happen. I want to understand church and what God wants for my life but I can't seem to find answers. I am tired of people trying to fix me. I am not a damn project. My real friends who have been there for me over and over happen to be gay and no, they are not Christians, but they have been there for me when all the Christians have headed for the hills. I am learning most guys who believe in God are total flakes. Why is that so?

Oh, and if you come here trying to post ex-gay crap, I will flip the fuck out. I mean that. Sell crazy somewhere else, we're all stocked up here. You know its a load of horseshit, deep down in your heart and so do I. I tried to buy that lie right after I believed in God and was really, really hurt when "christian" people tried to fuck with my head. I am so thankful I got away from them and didn't drink their stupid kool-aid.

So yeah, working my tail off, getting more involved in church, good friends, confused as hell about life, recently sort of single but not really and wondering what in the world I am alive for. There has to be more to life than just making money and buying stuff. Right? I need some answers. I don't have it all together and I am certainly not finding it wasting my free time in bars. So there, I'll shut up now. I just wish I knew what the hell was going on and that I could stop feeling guilty for being alive all the time.

daemon