Saturday, October 31, 2009
Up and early this morning for a full day! My favorite month of the year closes with the night, but it is going to be a blast!
So many things planned and good stuff to do and eat, and for once we have clear skies and sun on Halloween! It almost doesn't seem right?
I have to admit I may be running off a full nights sleep and endorphins, but I am loving today! A word of caution to myself though is in order. Don't let the pumpkin ale win...
Keeping my wits about me today is going to be a priority. The last way I need to start a new month is in bed with some cute guy from the party! While it would be nice, that's not where my life is going. Keep me safe tonight God. Let me see friends as you do...
Hoping everyone has an awesome holiday and doesn't eat or drink to much! Later all...
I've read many things lately from other people about being single and it made me think today, about all kinds of stuff. This is the longest stretch of time that I have gone in life without dating anyone, or being in a long term relationship. Four whole years.
After typing that out, it seems kind of weird. How have I managed to keep it all together this long without another guy in my life? I have friends, sure, but no one that is skin close. I am not in love, which feels strange too, but, I am okay with that? It took a long time to get used to sleeping by myself, or not holding hands in the car, or having a good night kiss, or being held and watching the sun rise.
Other things have been priority. Career, home, family, friends, cars, activities, church, God, and somehow all that time got filled up. I am kind of neutral about that, maybe because I haven't given it alot of thought?
My emotions and moods can move a bit as the days go by, running into old boyfriends and social groups will do that, but that pain and angst seems to be tempered with a contentment that I did not realize I had till I examined it. I am okay.
My eyes aren't as hungry as they used to be? Sure, I get horny all the time, but that deep longing and looking for the overneath of the innertween seems to be lessening? Maybe this is a short reprieve, or maybe I am just at a different time in my life, but single right now, suits me?
There are many things I miss about being a couple but I won't go into that now. Suffice it to say, I think it is okay with my world right now to wake up alone. Simple I guess. Somehow, someway, someday, I will figure out who I am supposed to share this all with.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Today was humbling. I have been wrong in many ways, as a Christian, and have been hiding behind a number of different excuses. The plain facts of the matter are, I have been tolerant of sin in my life. This is not a revelation based on someone else speaking truth to me, but the simple realization and conviction that I have not been living the life that God called me to that cold January 5th night.
At that time, He asked for my life, forsaking all others, to follow Him on a journey that will end in our reunion. I said yes and took those first steps in faith towards the simple truth that I had found.
Since that time my focus and gaze has wandered and been sidetracked. I have chased and acquired money, possessions, pleasure and an entire list of things that qualify me as human. I am without excuse. I am also loved, forgiven and free.
True repentance starts with a turning away from my selfish wants and desires and walking in the opposite direction towards Him and His will and goals for my life. Giving money and time to good things does not absolve me from the consequences of my actions, nor does it discharge the great debt that I owe. I cannot settle for second best.
I am deciding to chose life again. I must want whatever He may want. I am not here simply for myself and there is a higher calling and purpose that I am to live out. While I do not know what this may be, I have to walk away from the things that have not brought me success in His eyes.
I will not weep for the past, but I will mourn the time lost. Like the old song says, "I have decided to follow Jesus...no turning back...no turning back. Though none go with me, still I will follow."
Tomorrow is a new day, and I chose to fill it with good things. My hope is in the Lord.
But, beloved, remember ye the words which were spoken before of the apostles of our Lord Jesus Christ;
How that they told you there should be mockers in the last time, who should walk after their own ungodly lusts.
These be they who separate themselves, sensual, having not the Spirit.
But ye, beloved, building up yourselves on your most holy faith, praying in the Holy Ghost,
Keep yourselves in the love of God, looking for the mercy of our Lord Jesus Christ unto eternal life.
And of some have compassion, making a difference:
And others save with fear, pulling them out of the fire; hating even the garment spotted by the flesh.
Now unto him that is able to keep you from falling, and to present you faultless before the presence of his glory with exceeding joy,To the only wise God our Saviour, be glory and majesty, dominion and power, both now and ever. Amen.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Today is beautiful! Another fall day for living and enjoying the simple things that make me smile. Life without the burdens of a hectic schedule seems to suit me, though the idle time in between the hours sometimes leave me at a place where good decisions must be made.
After waking today, my first thought turned to the Nelson-Atkins Museum of Art, so I will take myself there. Not sure what to expect, but then one never does when confronting others idea of reality. To wander a bit and look will do my soul well.
The top will be off, the wind at my back and the sun in my face. Today will end better than the last few I hope. It is going to be okay. I am loved, forgiven and free.
It is odd how I had to consult my watch to figure out what day it was. Is it so hard to keep track of time? What will my life find me doing a month from now? What does a new success look like? Every time things change, I seem to be made over again. So many starts, so many successful finishes. I am content today to just be...
Monday, October 26, 2009
It is odd how some mind pictures and things fade with time, while other memories and emotional markers remain with us? The things and past dreams we hold on to are sometimes still holding on to me. Gone relationships, like once worn familiar sweaters seem to stack gently in the chest of cedar times.
Last evening found me living space and time with someone I once cared for deeply in my past. Life shared was time traveled. We are not the same carefree, toothsome boys that once bounced through days together, but more sober, graceful men who have felt life catch us in its strong embrace.
Lessons have been learned and yet still the pull and longing for what once was? Is it possible to still love and yet leave? What we had is not now. I cannot rebuild what another One has torn down, though I still long to try?
Knowing that the trying of my faith worketh patience is one thing to consider, but altogether another reality to live out. I now am, what I have become, but something inside of me yearns for days past and shared warmth. It is this struggle, this very fight inside of me that keeps me going. I will not walk the old ways. I cannot re-capture what once was. I can't take fire inside of my flannel shirt and not get burned.
But yet, I still miss him. I miss our us. Will this singularity always be?
It's the strangest feeling
to be anchored to a ship so far away
Sweet and deep and close and then
Bland and empty and uncomfortable.
Pathetic and below me, then
He is mine and I feel kind again
It's a small thing, a trinket brought by train
Too few words and too many...
It's I-love-you and Me-too and I-miss-you and I-know
It's the initial dance of the less-than-intimate yet
Today indelible and strong
Tomorrow, forced--then gone.
Sunday, October 25, 2009
It has been more than a few days since I put some words out there. Life and its rhythms have been changing in many ways and I am learning much about myself and how I view things.
There has been much guilt that I have been carrying about my past...I am releasing it.
Confusion at times is my lack of processing information correctly from people. No information is just that...no input. The stories I tell myself to satisfy that eternal "why" in my head are being put to sleep and rest finally. Life is.
Had an awesome time last night at WaterFire. Wandering the streets and taking it all in. Some familiar faces were seen, but for the most part I spent time listening to the haunting music and watching the faces and pets of strangers. So many people, intense energy and the sense of being part of the wonder that is life. Each year this ushers in a new Autumns and seems to settle and prepare me for the holidays. I love this time of year.
I bought two new journals last night to fill, but hope that the words I put there daily will not slow my progress on this blog. I still have yet to find my voice, but am learning to not self censor. All the ideas and thoughts deserve to see the light of day. It is when they are examined later that I often learn of myself.
Being single in life has such a different feel. I keep reaching out to share with someone who is not there. Will this be my part in life, near but not with? I don't feel alone, but I definitely feel singular. What am I still looking for? I know I am searching...I feel it.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
It has been more than a few days since last I put more than simple words here and the time to reflect has been good.
New friends have been made, information learned and even some of it applied.
This life I am living is mine. It is not an audition for my "real" life. There is no practice run. This is not simply training for a "free trial". It is my life.
Reflecting back on some of the years has been good and also bad at times. It is hard to walk forward while looking backwards. Believe me...I have tried.
Simple times in coffee shop and wandering the fall streets of Kansas City, working on art and writing, and studying strangers has let me become re- acquainted with the amazing person I used to be, before the cares of life, the weight of years and drudgery of labor began forcing my soul into a thin place that I called reality. I am still me! Under neath it all is still the boy wanderer, adventurer and silly goof that never ceased to amaze. In finding myself once again as a man, I have connected to that kid inside and figured out, it is ok to have fun!
When did I become so stern, so serious, so absorbed in the distant future that I stopped living now the way I once did? I ceased being present. I stopped sitting at stoplights until the moon rose over light pole, listening to August and Everything After, just because I could. I stopped flying kites on afternoons and walking chickens. I stopped climbing buildings, singing at the moon, dancing in the rain and playing piano in empty ballrooms! When is the last time I dive rolled at a stranger and ran off with random idiots to Chicago? It's time to get back to the nonsense that made me smile on an endless basis. Free to be me, not an idea or imitation of myself!
I am listening to my thoughts. Living out my desires. Throwing the weight of others eyes away and simple running through the leaves, scuffing my feet as I go and spinning around in art galleries when I want to! This is my life, I chose to live it.
And it's going to kick so much ass!
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Another morning to start afresh. A place to gather my thoughts. Time and space to put my body through its paces and be thankful again for protection and grace. An anticipation that today will be better than the one before it.
I make choices at times without thought of their consequences and find myself once again flat on my face. It is the progression and sneakiness of my sin that gets me every time. Sure, you can do that...you have been doing well! Go ahead, just a little down that path. No harm right? Eh, if you're here might as well have fun? Things have been great lately, celebrate and live a little!
And so it starts again. That spiral that keeps bringing me down, one slow turn at a time. Nothing but terminal velocity until I hit the earth. Crap! You did it again, Daemon! Nice move idiot. I know that in my flesh, body and mind, dwells no good thing.
Today will be better. I will be careful. I know my weakness. Blessed is the man that walketh not in the counsel of the ungodly, not standeth in the way of sinners, nor sitteth in the seat of the scornful. But his delight is in the law of the Lord and in His law doth he meditate day and night.
That progression of walking, standing and then sitting is the pattern that always reaches out and bites me in the ass. One choice leading to another, and then I am right back where I used to be, happily mucking about in sin and then waking up the next morning and wondering what happened?
I fell, but I am getting up. I'm upset, but not destroyed. Each time costs me a bit more, but God is merciful. He loves me, in spite of my weakness. He, for some reason, chose me. I need to chose Him more. Sometimes this struggle seams to eat away at me, till there is nothing left but the crap I face everyday. Will I ever be free?
And with that, I am going to lay it down and walk away. As far as the East is from the West...into the deepest sea. That is where I'm throwing it.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
When people meet me, or encounter me in life, wherever I might be...who and what do they see?
How close to the surface are my thoughts? Are they written on my face?
I know what I am wearing changes daily, but do they take cues of life from what I have on my body, the clothes I choose, the way I present?
I wonder what I look like to them.
Often there is a smile perpetually there, but sometimes it is lost in concentration, or surprise. All the emotions that I know flit across my face on a daily basis are there for them to see. Strangers and friends alike.
I know they like to look at me. I like looking at them. Sometimes I tell myself stories about what I see. The ideas and thoughts that join themselves into internal sentences about what they are, what they are doing, who they are inside. What stories do they tell themselves of me? I often walk alone and tend to not travel in a pack. Sometimes it is with just one friend, sharing quality time and savoring each others company without distraction.
I know I am not a little guy. People tend to make space for me. Commanding attention is never difficult, but how much of that is my true self and not some vestige of military bearing? Presence and charisma is a natural state in my family, but how to temper this with the vulnerability that sometimes lurks under the surface of my skin?
Approachable is how I perceive myself, but after some feedback I know this is not always the case. "A big bruiser" is how Mary put it. Sure I still look military and yes I am 6'2'' and wide of shoulder,but how could those years of training and growth not be written onto my body? I take pride in my appearance, but am still always seeking approval?
I guess they see a man. A person often lost in my own little world. I know I behave as a child at times, but I refuse to self censor my actions and limit my curiosity. Someone my size goofing around always makes people smile, but I don't do it for the grins.
Something they always miss is my sexuality. People always assume I am straight. Sometimes they say the most hurtful things, thinking that in some way, I am a comrade in arms in their twisted and warped perception of people. What is male? What is gender perception. Why do they assume?
For once I would like to see a picture of myself that I don't recognize at first, a candid, caught unaware. To take it in, and really see me. We become accustomed to it all, it's normal and the expected. I look at this face that others comment on in the mirror everyday.
What or who do they see? Why do strangers talk to me? Why do some people stare? Do they like me, or merely the idea of me?
I am a person, a man. I have feelings too. Talk to me, not at me.
I guess the better question to answer later is...
What do I see in me?
Another cool and crisp Fall day. The world seems full of promise. Life does not come with a contract. It is up to us to see that our choices each day bring good things into action.
I am not sure how I feel at the moment. Shades of smiles seem to flit on my face and I wonder what the future holds?
Tonight will be full of friends and fun. A hopeful strain of optimism in in the air. Yesterday's musings are over and something new will be upon me before I know it.
How will I number these days? It seems as if time is speeding up, moving faster each hour. I hope for truth and peace.
Care furrows my brown, even as my mouth breaks into laughter. Somehow I will lay these burdens down and move forward.
Monday, October 12, 2009
First off, I'm not mad or upset, at least not at the moment I have started writing all this, but I've got alot in my head and it needs to come out if it will. The last few weeks have left my hand hurting from so many journal entries and still more thoughts keep coming up. Questions too, that don't seem to have answers.
I am trying to find me underneath all of this. I have so many layers of opinion and teachings in my life. People have been handing me their ideas, concerns and beliefs for so long that I feel like an old house with layer after layer of paint. All this needs to be scraped away to fresh wood before I can start painting my life on this body.
There is a disconnect between what my mouth and head says I believe, and how I actually live my life and I am trying to synchronize the two. I need to do this so I will know what I believe, good or bad, and also that I will have a starting point for change if it is needed.
I don't feel guilt or shame for being gay. I am sorry people. There is a large gap between who I am and what I chose to do. I have made good choices, but this hasn't changed who I am or what my heart desires. If this means I am a faulty person, or somehow broken as a Christian, I don't know what to tell you. Just kind of putting my thoughts out there. I refuse to accept the condemnation people have been trying to hand me my entire life. I have never hid who I am and I am not going to start now. God loves me, I love Him. That is my starting point and ending point. Let Him point the way for me... it is not your job.
This life I am living kicks ass! I love what I do, the freedom it gives me. I am releasing the idea that this is all some kind of big competition. I am happy for your success, but I don't really give a crap how I measure up to it or to you. I like who I am. I will share time with you, until it hurts me, makes me feel bad or infringes on what I want to do...then I am off. Maybe it's selfish? Who else do I have to look after or take care of?
You are entitled to your opinion, but I don't have to take the time to listen to it. I have spent so much time in life looking for acceptance in others...and it just doesn't matter...at all. I am self validating from now on. This is my declaration of independence from all of you who keep stealing my energy and trying to control me, all in the name of "caring" and "concern". You don't love me! Why else would you keep hurting me with your words and actions. I am tired of feeling so deeply for people who look right through me and continue to use me. In the immortal words of Cartman "Screw you guys...I'm going home!"
OK...I know that's all jumbled up and makes no sense, but I am not going to edit it for content or clarity. Maybe I just need to rant for a bit and finally stop being so nice about everything all the time. I've been screwed over too much to not seek smiles for myself. I'm going to figure this crap out, even if it makes me crazy in the process.
I sing for you, and only you
wherever I go I find you.
You're in the sound of every hello;
in everything I do.
You're the song I was destined to know
and I only sing for you.
You went away, I should have known
you'd leave so many dreams behind you.
Thought I'd be fine just being alone
I didn't have a clue.
But my heart had a mind of its own
and would only sing for you.
You're in the sound of rain,
clouds in a winter sky.
In a thousand unsaid words;
in a thousand crazy reasons why
you were meant to fly.
So fly for me, and day by day
I'll keep hoping your heart reminds you:
Nothing but love can stand in our way
but love can see us through.
Maybe that's all I wanted to say:
I'll always sing for you.
I will always sing
Sunday, October 11, 2009
God gave us all a penis and a brain, but only enough blood to run one at a time. ~Robin Williams
Alas! it is not the child but the boy that generally survives in the man. ~Arthur Helps
Don't accept rides from strange men - and remember that all men are as strange as hell. ~Robin Morgan
If it can't be fixed by duct tape or WD-40, it's a female problem. ~Jason Love
Women speak because they wish to speak, whereas a man speaks only when driven to speech by something outside himself - like, for instance, he can't find any clean socks. ~Jean Kerr
The old theory was "Marry an older man, because they're more mature." But the new theory is: "Men don't mature. Marry a younger one." ~Rita Rudner
A gentleman is simply a patient wolf. ~Lana Turner
It's not the men in my life, it's the life in my men. ~Mae West
When it comes to hiding porn, every man is a CIA agent. ~S.A. Sachs
On the one hand, we'll never experience childbirth. On the other hand, we can open all our own jars. ~Bruce Willis
Women may be able to fake orgasms, but men can fake whole relationships. ~James Shubert
I wonder why men get serious at all. They have this delicate, long thing hanging outside their bodies which goes up and down by its own will. If I were a man I would always be laughing at myself. ~Yoko Ono
Friday, October 9, 2009
Woke up at 5 am this morning. Ran and worked out. Found my way to Coffee Girls to meet my life coach and throw it all out there. Construction, rain and wrecks tried to delay me, but I navigated around them to arrive on time. That simple accomplishment set the tone for the day.
My talk with David went great. It was good to hear someone say to my face, it is going to be OK. There is nothing going on in your life right now that is a surprise to God, to me or any one else in life. We talked much about design and formation.
Some things in my life are by design. The fundamental being gender. I am a male. With this matter settled (simple huh? a boxer check did the trick...lol) what has God designed me to be as a man? Life experiences that I have had, fall under formation. It is in this formation that much of our identity is etched in, and often has little to do with design. So many things have formed me.
My relationships with family, friends, the guys I have dated, loved, cared for and been hurt by. The schools, college, books, movies, military...everything. It is all a part of my formational story. There are some dark things there, some great things, some that I have yet to confront and work through. How to go about unpacking the memories of the past in a healthy way?
I am learning to live with the questions. Not to run away, or to rush towards, but simple to be in this moment. To be present to the experience and not always have to have a solution. It is going to be OK.
Had dinner with Stephen tonight and feel re-assured and settled in our friendship. It is going good places and he explained the talk we had on Wednesday. I was hurt and confused this week, as I felt I had done something wrong or jacked things up? This was not the case. He was pulling back from many relationships and not reading the situations well. I told him to take as much time as he needed and the space would be there. We speak truth to each other and bring positive things into each others lives. With out being complicated, things are great there. Peace reins and contact is good. Now maybe my stomach will unclench. I was scared of losing a friend and it made me re-examine my feelings for him and all my friends.
I need some accountability and he challenged me to seek some help for the issues and struggles I am facing. There is some darkness in me, a pall from the past and it is always bleeding through, even at my best and brightest times. I didn't even realize some of this, until he pointed it out. What to do about all of that? I will need some time to consider it.
I am happy and ready for the weekend! Tomorrow morning is 2nd Saturdays and we will be meeting at the church in the morning to work and volunteer in the community. I am excited! Good things are happening!
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Today will be OK. The thoughts and questions that come are simply part of the process. This will all make me stronger. I am learning. There will be more days like this as I grow. I can accept that this is the best place for me in life. I chose to not worry about the things that I cannot control. I will have peace.
Hanging on...that is what I am doing. I might not make it any higher on the rock face today, but I am not falling. I am in a good place. The view is fantastic and I have come through some rough things unscathed. The best is yet to come. Now to simply make my belief match reality. So many things are changing, but that is a good thing. I can find good in it all. Trust myself, my decisions and God for all the areas that seem to confusing to organize. This is all easier said than done, but I need to see it in black and white. There is no calamity, no drama, no hurt, no pain, no error. Life simply is.
I can do this.
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Do you ever tell yourself stories about how you interpret events, that in and of themselves seem innocuous and of no import? Stringing things together that add up to some weird, horrible outcome, even when you don't have any facts that seem to point in that direction. And then after coming to that conclusion, simmer in it and worry, instead of confronting the issue head on and challenging your "story" to a comparison with reality?
I do this.
Maybe it is a deep seated insecurity, or some kind of mind game that happens, but when I have no information at all, I start creating these alternate realities that are never good. They just bring stress, confusion and fear into my life. It is like "what if" meets "it is". And I believe them.
I have been doing this the last few days about something.
There is no reason for concern or alarm, but I am still freaking out! It has got to the point where I am going to either have to confront it and look a fool, or simply let it pass out of my mind and operate from a calm and centered place. The not knowing is killing me, and I am worried that I have done some harm to friendships that I am not even aware of.
Why do I do this?
Where does it come from?
Why is it so hard to just figure it out and move on?
I hate the unknown, the grey area, the non-communication.
It is probably nothing...or it is something very, horribly, unrepairably wrong. Either a non-issue and good, or all together completely jacked up. And if there is a problem...it is all my fault.
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Got a call this morning to join a new friend for lunch. Glad that I said yes...we ended up talking for four hours! We were all over the place and I was glad to hang out with someone who as much to say as I do at times. Connecting with people has become something I am getting more used to as time goes by. These authentic friendships and open communication about what is going on in our lives is so important to our growth as community and also to our emotional and mental health. It was kind of good to download a bit of our lives on each other and for me to find acceptance in another person who truly loves God and wants what is best for our lives.
Oh...and it was a girl.
I know, weird huh? Since when does Daemon talk to girls? I must say it has been the longest and most honest conversation I have had with a female in the last 10 years...and I am not kidding about that. Women, females, girls, them, they...have had no place in my life. I have never been open to the possibility that they would make good friends. They almost just didn't exist to me. If I spotted one, my eyes went elsewhere...eh...a girl. I did not engage them in conversation and tended to just avoid them whenever possible.
That is not normal.
So, I am just announcing that I am open to the possibility that I can be friends with a girl. I guess that I might have to surrender my He-Man Woman Haters Club Card, but I think I might be OK with that? We shall see.
It really makes me wonder why I was so hyper-masculinated my whole life? My entire social, emotional, spiritual and physical life this far has always revolved around men, male activities, and just being one of the guys. What is that all about? I just never even considered or studied them(females) and almost had an opinion that they were another species. If there weren't guys involved, I wasn't interested. Good movie? What guy is in it? Where are we going? What guys will be there? Everything about the male....always.
I don't have an opinion on this yet, because I really haven't had time to think it out. It has been pointed out before that I have some kind of female issues, but I always just dismissed that idea. I do not know if it is misogyny or fear or what?
This will take some time to wrap my head around, but I am welcome to any and all comments! Any other guys out there also not interact with females? Any tips, concerns or help is MUCH APPRECIATED!
Monday, October 5, 2009
I don't have much to say tonight. The day was great. Had some awesome time driving around, listening to worship music, talking to my myself and God. Met some cool new people at the coffee shop too. Writers, artists, ballet dancers, homeless kids...all of 'em.
A friend sent me that message below from Gateway this morning and I reflected on it all day long. My church (www.jacobswellchurch.org) is full of Gods love and accepting of everyone that comes into our community. We are called to minister as a people to the fringe, to making the outsider into the insider. The gospel is for the whole world, not just a select few.
I know that certainly happened in my case. I was the worst, and they loved me, told me to come as I am, and let Jesus do the changing and cleaning. I was never given a list of thou shalt or shalt not, but was encouraged to pray, read the Bible, seek Gods face in my decisions. It is amazing how God works like that.
There is a peace in my life tonight, a calm and rested feeling that comes from being in Gods will, as scary as it may be right now. I know I am doing what I am supposed to be doing.
I reflected on this prayer today as I sat outside. I picked it up from a friend who is at a monastary right now.
Be still and know that I am God.
Be still and know that I am.
Be still and know.
Peace to you all.
Saturday, October 3, 2009
This morning started out with out Men's Breakfast at church. I got up early at 6am, was the first one at the coffee shop and had my usual as the sun rose over the city. I called Stephen to make sure he was out of bed, and he showed up soon at church soon after I pulled in. We all ate and then spent an hour just sharing and talking about what was on our hearts and going on our lives.
There was about 30 guys there and alot of things were discussed. At the beginning I was trying to connect to what people were saying, but they were all talking about marriage, kids, providing for family, so many things I have no experience in at all. Some of the guys talked about the relationships they were in, the good and the bad. Some of the words and storiesthat Jacob and Stephen related really touched me. I finally had some things to say, but chose my words carefully and expressed my need for community, searching for my identity and the vulnerability that comes with making new friends and living authentically.
The whole time everyone was talking, my heart was breaking inside. Stephen and Mark know my story, but no one else at church does, and I feel so alone. Cut off. Distant from all of the these really good, loving and caring guys. I never felt this kind of shame in the past? I was proud of who I was, and now I feel like I have to hide in some kind of quietness. My insides are all twisted up thinking about the community I have lost, relationships that have I have ended and how distant I feel, even when surrounded by friends and good people. When I listen to their problems, I feel like a traitor. If they knew me, they would hate me, and I can't take any more rejection in life. I question if there will ever truly be a place for me anywhere. All they see is my outside. They just see another guy with all his shit together, successfully going somewhere. Sometimes I wish I had "faggot" tattooed on my forehead, so at least people would know where I am coming from. People just assume, based on the way I present, and for once in my life I can understand what some of those closeted guys must feel in life. What the hell am I? A gay Christian? Does that even exist? This is all so jacked up. How will I ever let people in and share my testimony and the struggles I am facing each and every minute of every single day? God...I hate this!
After that, we went to hang out with some of Stephen and Mark's friends at Egg-cetera. It is right across the street from the where the Cabaret (largest gay club in KC) used to be. A place I spent alot of time while I was growing up. Now there is just a big hole there. The developers have torn it to the ground and that big hole is exactly how my heart feels. I feel like I have this gash torn in my soul. So much taken away. Why would God want me to be so unhappy? Why am I single now? Why am I cut off from all the people I used to love and care for? Am I really that bad of a person? This was all playing in my head, the entire time we were talking and laughing. They are a great group of people and just loved on me...but I still think, if they knew me? What would happen then?
Spent another day at the Renaissance Festival with Mark and his friends, even though I just felt like going home and curling up. I know I needed to be with good people, otherwise this loneliness and anxiety would just take me to bad places and wrong choices.
Everywhere we went there were people from my past. Some guys I have dated, guys I have slept with, friends from the clubs and bars, from the community, my bartenders...over and over and over. I just wanted to crawl into my hole. Here I was with all these Christian, normal, good people and how do I explain all of these guys I know, or why I am so uncomfortable and sad? This just killed me today. I feel like crap. How could God love this... whatever I am? Lust was everywhere and my mind took me so many bad places. Just a horrible day, but I had to keep on smiling, ducking and acting like things are ok.
Tonight, we went to church to listen to Edward, a pastor from Nairobi, Kenya, Africa speak about his ministry there...and listening to how an amazing man lets God use him to reach the unwanted and unloved, the untouchables, just broke me in half. Here he is speaking about working with HIV+ and AIDS afflicted people, and inside my heart is screaming, I know people like this! I have friends who are sick. What is wrong with me? Why am I not reaching them? Am I really such a horrible person? I can't even hang out with good friends without my mind dragging me through the gutter and lust and sex filling my head all day.
How do I go to church in the morning? How do I show this face? I prayed with Stephen tonight before we left, but I could feel solid walls going up inside of me. I can't block out the people who love me, but I am scared, hurt and alone. I'm just going to get cleaned up and go to bed.
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Today was fantastic and a journey of simple faith! To make a long story short, I interviewed at another amazing company and they made me an offer. I would have my own laboratory and clean room and be working with some cutting edge electronics technology on the chemical manufacturing side. There was also international travel involved and quite a sizable boost to the already generous income I have enjoyed the last five years.
And I had to say...No, thank you.
This last week I made a simple decision, prior to this offer, that whatever my career path may be taking now, I would honor the commitments made to my spiritual growth. The last five years, this has suffered due to my incredibly complex schedule and enormous work load in terms of projects, lack of staffing, and hours logged. Last year alone, I put in over 560 hours of over time. That was an extra 14 weeks of work!
Enough is enough. The schedule they offered me would take me away from church, give me no time for being involved in ministry and crush some of the new Christian friendships I am making and building. This was a hard decision given the current economic climate, but I know that I am not to lay up my treasure here in earth, where moth and dust corrupts, or thieves break in and steal. I need to lay up treasure in heaven, invest in eternal things. The only two things that will last forever is God's Word and the souls of men. This is where my heart lies.
For the last five years I have pursued money, materialism and future security, and I did a damn good job at it. I spent and saved. I acquired and enjoyed. I gave generously to those in need and to ministry, and somehow used that to appease my conscious for the lack of growth and surrender I refused to partake in. I can't buy happiness. Many of the "friends" I had were simply there for the free ride. Yes...it was fun Yes...I could keep doing it. Yes...I love having and keeping and enjoying fine things...but at what cost?
Strangely enough...I have total peace. Tomorrow I will reject the offer officially and in writing and continue on this journey that God has started. My life goals are changing. It is no longer about stepping onto my boat and sailing the world. I want what He wants. Amazing...just freaking amazing. God is good, His mercy endures forever.
Another low late night for me, phantom sleep seems fated not to find me. Much on my weary mind, as slow time passes, and I wile away the wee hours sorting simple past ephemera of my life. Faded photographs that show stolen moments, life captured so fleetingly. So many different places, other times, beautiful people and happy memories.
Whence comes the morning?
I find it so interesting that my mind seems to be a much more orderly and keenly honest with myself when deprived of what it wants, namely ordered sleep, new information and sensory stimulus. There is a certain fragile order that falls and finds gentle hold as the thin hours stretch out towards the darkest before dawn.
Whence comes the morning?
It is often, at this time, that those clear conversations occur between fond friends, daily lovers and met strangers that often impact how we see ourselves and all this whirling bedlam around us. A certain peace and calm to examine the intricacies of the events that transpired. A hush between words and worlds, as soon slumbering heads sink slowly into sleep. A quiet space to reflect and question ourselves without that fear of judgment or threat of harm. It is quiet now, so quiet, and the autumn rain fetchingly falls while out West the thunder rumbles as giant, shaggy dogs roll the wooden potato wagon on.
Whence comes the morning?
In the past few years of this new life, so many pieces have been removed from my life, or at least misplaced, suddenly set aside or paused in motion, to make room and understanding for different places, changing plans and new people. I find myself, missing myself at times. That guy I once was. I am still here, somewhere quietly inside, but the cares and stresses of the world have muted him, silenced that calling for the ever new, the always bright, that overneath of the innertween.
Whence comes the morning?
A languid stretch brings weary happiness to a well worn body that to date has served me well. What will the aging process bring to me? Will I settle into a distinguished, craggy, handsome regality like my Father? Or will my face follow my brothers, and become ever more appealing as life etches her lines on their planes? Like my Mother, whose inner beauty shines ever brighter as more frail and slight she becomes, at least when measured against her men? Only time will tell, but still my face is the one I cannot read. Many times, my eyes catch themselves, and I peer deeply into my depths, looking for something...but what? What do I hope to see there? Who is this boy, this man, this being? They change with the fractal light, green into gold, brown into umber...I still have them Mom! I'm still your big brown eyed boy.
Whence comes the morning?
I have girded myself and prepared for yet a new path. A quiet peace now surrounds where once a turmoil of questions and emotions roiled like water over the churning rocks of cold waters. Each thought falls and moves others, like a rock in a twice tossed upon pond.
Whence comes the morning?
I will be...what I am now becoming. I am the morning.