Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Boing, Boing!

Hello! Hit the hardwood floors running and skidding this morning. Sun blasted in the room, hopped immediately into the shower and got this day off to a start with a bang. Sitting here, barely self contained and sipping my coffee go juice and planning another day. I love it when my body and brain are in sync and hitting on all 8 cylinders. The turbo is spooling up with the rpm's and today is going to be a great day!



So yeah! Bring it on! Got to talk with my life coach this morning, via the amazing Internet and spoke with him in detail about this weird female thing that I have going on and got some words and language to deal with the questions that are coming up in my head and heart. Instead of delving deeper into all of this...I am going to let it sit on the back burner of my mind and see what rises to the surface, all the while trying to interact more with those girls and women that I encounter. We shall see what comes of that.
Got all the root veggies planted in the garden yesterday. So good to get back into the dirt! It felt so good under foot and in hand. Smelled of Spring and new life! And...my hyacinths bloomed last night in the moonlight and are now waving gloriously in the sunshine. Those bulbs came from my grandmothers funeral and greet each spring for me. Hi g-ma...I miss you. :)

Wow...to much energy. Need to get my workout in and then head out into the day. Dropping the top and getting some sun today I hope. Got a new HillSong CD to listen to and hope to get some miles of smiles in today. Hug yo curves! Zoom, Zoom


Boing, boing goes my day. More thoughts later...time to get to living! Peace.

Monday, March 29, 2010

PSA's of the Future...LOL





This made me laugh....figured I would share it here. Still thinking about how to continue tackling this whole female issue. Might take a break from it, just for a while. So for now...just enjoy the video! :P

Saturday, March 27, 2010

More on females...



It's now 6 pm and I am home eating dinner and posting some thoughts as they come. Staying on the topic of girls, as I am really exploring this in my head and heart. Looking candidly at the past and trying to figure out where all these feelings come from. Just saying to myself and others that, "I have always been this way" is not going to cut it. I need to figure out why I am a card carrying member of the He-Man Woman Haters Club.

So today, woke up, we slept in after staying up late last night watching the Blind Side. Great movie and we have decided we love Sandra Bullock. (A girl I know, but amazing none-the less. :D Women on the screen are kind of hypothetical and don't bother me as much?) Got a late start and headed into the city, grabbed my coffee and picked up my work schedule for this next week on the Plaza. Stopped by and hung out with Jeff for a bit, watched the game and then came home. Michael wasn't budging from the couch today, and with the weather...I don't blame him!

Got a new phone, been playing with that. Blackberry Curve II, kind of fun, but still weird for a guy who refused to carry cell phones his whole life. Basically my family handed the first one to me last fall and told me I would carry it under pain of death. Guess this new gizmo is the "upgrade"? They rock and it is pretty cool, all kinds of stuff that I never needed. Guess I am one of those idiots now walking and sitting around looking at some stupid box in their hands, being there but not really present. I prefer talking to people with eyes and skin...not some plastic widget...but that's me.

Oh, so back to girls. I was thinking about my whole pattern today, and I only talked to one girl the entire day. In fact I gave her my phone number! :P

But it is not what you think. Long story short, a guy rear ended her car at a stoplight and then tried to get away. I pulled over and confronted him and "convinced" him to stay till the police arrived. She asked for my number for the police report and insurance paperwork, so I said sure. I still not real sure why I got involved in all that drama, but I knew someone was getting taken advantage of, and I was NOT going to let that fucker get away with it. I would have gladly put him in the hospital, but I kept my temper. Piece of low-life scum...

But enough of that, the fact remains that this girl needed some help and without thinking I jumped in to render assistance and aid. She became real to me, not something I hated or scorned. She was a person. Was she rendered this way because of the need, or were my eyes opened simply because I engaged and interacted with her. I do not know.

My family teases me about my first "girl friend" Celina, but I really don't remember her at all. Not quite sure what was about really. Kind of a vague face and time. Hmm... I also vaguely remember playing with dolls or something with one my my sitters daughters, Beth, as a child. What I do remember about all that, is that I stole her Ken doll, brought him home, threw all his clothes away and then kept him naked in a wooden box in my closet. Also do not know what that was about.

Then I remember a girl in fifth grade. I think I might have liked her. I liked another guy at the time, but remember feeling something towards her. I got her a valentine and wrote her a note, but she laughed at me and never responded. I think I was hurt and upset, but I don't really remember. I do remember deciding to spend all my time with my guy friends, cause they loved me and we did a lot of cool stuff at recess and in the woods. I knew this same group of guys, now men, from the time we were about 2 years old, till high school graduation. They are my band of brothers.

I guess I remember girls in school (private religious school) but never really cared about them. So many rules and stuff. They were so worried about boys and girls together, but never seemed to care what the guys were up to with each other. That never made sense to me, but at the same time, I liked it and took full advantage of that blind eye.

I have never had a physical or sexual experience with a girl, though I do remember kissing one on the cheek who really, really liked me, but I would hang out with her. I was with Chris and was so in love. She just didn't get it. She finally started dating my friend Eric, who bears a striking resemblance to me...lol

That's all about that is in my head right now. I am going to explore this more later and really want to figure it out. Don't get me wrong, I know a few girls, sort of, but I never have any real conversations or life experiences with them. They just always confuse me and want to be my friend.

What is wrong with me? Is there something messed up with me? What am I missing here? Did something happen to me?

I dunno yet...


PS: and no, this isn't the first topic that I mentioned earlier, this is just more ramblings. More later on why women suck and how they take and steal from men. (just kidding...but not really)

Friday, March 26, 2010

Women


Woke up to bright sun streaming in today, calling me to... greatness...or at least awakeness. Scattered pillows and tumbled sheets showed of a hard nights sleep that took this guys body on a long journey through some when. I often remember the dreams of a night before, but the only recollection I have of last evenings and morning sleep was singing strangely with someone else's voice to an audience of friends I could not see? I wonder where these night times take me at times?

So today is a day off and starting slowly at that. The car will be washed and topless soon. I have greeted the flower beds and inspected the landscape for all the new signs of Spring. Spread a layer of compost on the freshly turned vegetable garden and enjoyed my morning coffee outside in the cool, crisp air while sunlight warmed my face. It is a new day and all mine to enjoy and share with those I encounter.

No smooth segue of words here, but merely an abrupt launching into the thoughts that flit through my mind at the moment...

Last nights class at Pure Heart was on Forgiveness and while I listened intently to the stories and teachings of the leaders, I found myself somewhat at a loss. I had completed my homework of questions but was still kind of searching for whom I may hold bitterness, resentment, pain and hurt towards. Who have I still yet to forgive?

I have never been the type of person to hold a grudge against anyone, regardless of what harm they may have inflicted on me, my body or emotions. I sometimes have felt that I have no capacity to hate or feel something dark towards another person. The two emotions that I know well are either happy (which is most of the time in varying degrees from freaking elation... smile so hard your face hurts, life can't be any better, crank the music up cause today kicks soooo much ass! to a simple contentment with the life I find around me) OR confusion.

Kind of simple, huh?

It is with these two tools that I face each day of my life. The happiness is enjoyed and the confusion prompts me to find solutions, answers, truth or meaning in that which I do not understand.

While listening to the girl talk last night, I found myself keying into her message of words, but really getting annoyed at her. So much so that I almost left several times and had to go outside every 20 minutes or so. I was wondering, why does she talk so much? Why does she have so many words? I freaking hate her guts...

Yeah! That was the progression of thoughts in my mind, from simple annoyance to being really pissed off that she just kept talking. I liked what she was saying. I was learning something, but my mind and emotions was keying into the fact that she was a female and...

I DON'T LIKE HER! WTF?! SHUT UP!!!

uh...that is not normal?

So yeah...I have a problem with women, girls, whatever you want to call them. Everywhere I go, I pretty much ignore them and live my life in such a way as to never have to interact with them. In fact, if all the females were to vanish from the earth, I am pretty sure my life would remain relatively unchanged, 'cept for my mom and little sister, of course. I don't talk to girls. I don't have any friends that are girls. I dunno...they just don't matter to me at all. And not that they just don't matter...I really don't like them. I live in a guys world, with guys, and always have. From private school, to college, to the Navy (Sub force is all volunteer, all male...go figure) Somewhere along the way, I picked up the idea or message that girls are bad, they will hurt me, they contribute nothing...so just stay away from them. Now, I am not saying this formed my sexual orientation by any means, but I am sure it was a factor in the choices I made in life. I never dated one, never kissed one, never slept with one, never had one as a close friend.

And that is wrong, abnormal, not healthy, a sin...whatever you want to call it. :( I know, pretty sad for a guy like me to not have a bunch of girlfriends, or at least one fag hag. Weird...I know. My life has been about males and what they do. Even the activities and things that I enjoy that might be characterized as "feminine" always have my own "Daemon" spin on them, in order to justify them to myself or others. Somewhere, some when I got the idea that to be seen as feminine was to be seen as bad, or weak, not manly...something to be eradicated from my life. I got pretty efficient at it to over the years.

But what am I scared of? What do I hate? Where do these feelings come from? What happened to me? God made girls too, so why have I cut them out of my life, for my whole life? I need to explore this in detail and try to at least understand why I am the way I am. Maybe this could change somewhat?

I am not going to go into detail right now, as I have alot on my mind and need to get some stuff done today, but yeah, this week I am going to be writing about females and the role or non-role they have played in my life. The first topic will be about how they have taken stuff people and things away from me my whole life and why they suck. (my view of reality, NOT truth, simply my perception of events)

It is going to get interesting...

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Happy Birthday Mathieu!




Soooo...its another day! And it just so happens to be Mathieu's birthday! A friend of mine celebrates another milestone in his time without altering much of his daily schedule it seems. I want to wish him the very best, thank him for the time we share, communication and understanding had, thankfulness for his being born and hopefulness for a future well spent. Love ya dude and HAPPY BIRTHDAY TOOOO YOUUUUU...okay I won't sing the whole song here! I'll catch ya on the phone later...lol :D


Found myself awake moments ago, gasping for air and coughing once again, as this silly virus tries to fill my lungs with fluid. I am not having none of it! For 5 days I have fought this onslaught and the feeling in my body now is that I am gaining the upper hand. All too long it has been since I have been ill, so the toll on my body and mind is something I would rather not repeat for quite some time. Such is the life of a guy who lives in the Midwest United States with its penchant for odd seasonal swings as we sluff off the last remaining days of winter and move lock step into what appears to be Spring...or something like that. First two days of 60 degree beautiful weather, then 2 days of snow storms, followed by 2 more days of sunshine and warm weather that then turns into thunderstorms predicted for yet a fortnight. When will the awful pattern ever cease?

I must say, taking nasal decongestants and expectorants before bed time makes for some strange and odd dreams indeed! Random thought...if the Moon in all his beauty can pull and push the tides of the seas, then what in the world can he do to my cerebral fluid of my brain? I may just be a bit moon struck or luna crazy today?

So the agenda posthaste...shortly calling in to work to determine when they would like to see this boy's body. (the term boy loosely used not as to connote insipid youth, but more an adaptation of how I see myself emotionally as of late) Some chagrin as to what the rain shall do to the appearance of my freshly washed and waxed car, no top down today, and this will necessitate a change of wardrobe plans. Working out this morning will be a chore, but my body is in dire need of the endorphins it will provide, plus time and tide wait for no man. Summer is fast approaching and soon more body and less clothing will be the norm. My skin is hungry for the sun. Prolly get some grub and coffee worked in there and then it is off to shower and shave. I am shaving at the sink again with no fear of meeting my eyes in the mirror. Progress? Morning rituals complete it will be time to head into the city for another fun filled day at the office. What dreams may come?

Wow...yeah...I am in a weird head space. Not sure if this is the after effects of the meds or simply another one of those odd days where my brain works a bit more efficiently in its strange but wonderfully arcane ways? We shall see what is afoot later. I have a feeling I look beautiful today, so we will see how this perception works on others. Some days we just glow and others certainly take a shine to us. Hope that feeling lasts till the weekend and that I am fit and found well for Michael. Would hate to keep interrupting shared moments with some random fit of coughing. Not so sexy...ya think?

Today will be good. Seriously hungry I can tell, after being sick, but also ravenously horny as well. This body is taking Spring seriously and I can tell the sap is rising much higher than normal. Gonna have to keep my eyes and hands to myself till space and time present itself I guess. Grrrrr...loving and hating being a man on days like this, though would choose this particular option over all others. Yay for that! Cheers for taking a piss standing up and being allowed to scratch whenever the notion calls for it. I celebrate the body male! Finest kind and all that load of rubbish. But seriously, I love being a guy. I have no idea how the females manage to do it.

Digression of the oddest sorts this morning in my mind, but a clearer space I find myself in. Looking forward to work today, wearing some different colors and kicks, though not diggin' the idea of being wet and slogging through water. The Plaza always looks a bit muted in the rain though it will be great for all the bulbs and flowers that are slowly poking their heads out of bed to see if Old Man Winter has taken his leave.

Paradigm shift to some extent in my life and finding more peace where conflict has reigned. To wit, after many talks with my Dad, Mom, friends and trusted advisors I am taking a sabbatical on the "struggle" per se of rectifying my faith with my practice. Meaning...I have been gay since the day my body and mind woke up and first noticed these other awesome things called boys and even with the addition of faith and God in my life, I refuse to compromise the integrity of my mind in order to justify some conflict that others seem to find so noble. That concept is being tabled at the moment in order to make sense of much more pressing things in my life.

For those of you readers with a devout faith and calling, never fear, I am not walking away from my relationship with God and the church...but I am calling a cease fire in this continual struggle for my attention to matters that are but one small part of life. I was fine before all this started, I will continue to be fine when all matters are laid to rest. This argument seems to have been foisted on me by well intended souls, but I am handing it back to them for the moment. Talk amongst yourselves and let me know where you land. I have feeling you will be talking about it for quite some time to come. As for me and my house...I choose peace with myself and God.

Bring on the day! I am ready! Woot, woot! This song is for the birthday boy!


Tuesday, March 23, 2010

A great morning

Woke up this morning at 6 am with a bit of a cough still lingering, after a simple 3 day weekend. I can't say that I did anything earthshaking or exciting in my time off of work, but I did treat myself to much rest and singular activities. All too often my free time gets eaten up by friends and family who do not seem to understand the concept that I need all the "me time" I can carve out of this busy schedule that seems to find me as of late.

The car is cleaned and waxed, sitting in his spot, waiting to be taken out for an early morning drive. Coffee is dripping with the aroma and excitement of another new day begun and I am slowly putting my thoughts in order and waking up to the idea that today is going to kick some serious ass!

This week is shaping up rather nicely with free evenings, simple plans with those I love and the promise that Spring is finally with us. Taking a mental and physical inventory catalogues a few aches and pains to be concerned over and the express decision to make more healthy decisions for a while. It is not that I have been neglecting my physical body, but the self-indulgence and laziness that seems to hound guys with leisure time and resources is slowly taking its toll on me. Time to whip it all into shape for a summer of sun and fun. Got to look good naked is always a good place to start!

Work today should be a blast. We have a good line up and I enjoy the time I spend with peers and friends, doing what we do, so we can leave and do what we love. I am thinking about heading out for a drive soon as the sun comes up over the water and then spend some quiet time at the coffee shop journaling and maybe getting some photographs taken about town.

Life is finding its rhythm finally as we all shake off the mantle and gray of winter. What all does this year hold? I am going to use more time to simply be present to my reality, instead of finding conflict and question over each and every decision that I make. I think now that it may be possible for one individual to be too introspective and contemplative at times. Living for livings sake kind of got lost in the shuffle along the way.

Note to self: drop off copies at the attorneys for perusal, fill car with gas, move sweaters and winter gear into storage, call your Mom, don't forget to take movies back to Blockbuster, make plans for Friday and Saturday with Michael (he wants to see the Blind Side and eat at Bo-Lings, that I know so far...) check out flower beds and garden plot, plan south side renovation and lay out, request off work for the Mens Retreat and jury duty, deposit checks and review 401K.

So yeah, it is a great morning to be alive. 'Bout to slam some pre-coffee shop coffee and hit the shower. Wish my back wasn't hurting and sore, but we can't have everything I suppose? I really need a massage. Might call Karl at the spa later. What to do tonight? Guess I will follow my nose...

Sunday, March 21, 2010

FreeWerse Revisited


Moonlight wailing, and sandman surfers in a blue sky.
Always a red ball beating against more than just brick,
Seems to say all that is written there is prose.

Oh cup of Joe, if you will, makes a simple heart sing...like heraldry
And always the clash of Titans, in my heart and head.
Where have you been, my Huckleberry friend?

Maudlin days turn over Tuesdays with a hint of rain before.
I keep checking a wrist worn watch for something more than time.
It is you, and me, that waits. Wistfully...?

Always happily tripping past the bespoke suits that lie of comfort.
Will you be my two times friend? I'll give you my best.
Rushing on as all stands still, I'll keep questioning for more.

It is enough and thanks for smiling. My heart bigger grows.
Fertile ground you filled with something more than love?
This is how the brotherhood of man grows...it goes.

Thanks be.

Some Good Questions...




I found an interesting post from a blog buddy, who reversed the roles of society and posed the hetero's questions right back at them...thought I would share. Really makes one think!


1. What do you think caused your heterosexuality?

2. When and how did you first decide you were a heterosexual?

3. Is it possible your heterosexuality is just a phase you may grow out of?

4. Could it be that your heterosexuality stems from a neurotic fear of others of the same sex?

5. If you’ve never slept with a person of the same sex, how can you be sure you wouldn’t prefer that?

6. To whom have you disclosed your heterosexual tendencies? How did they react?

7. Why do heterosexuals feel compelled to seduce others into their lifestyle?

8. Why do you insist on flaunting your heterosexuality? Can’t you just be what you are and keep it quiet?

9. Would you want your children to be heterosexual, knowing the problems they’d face?

10. A disproportionate majority of child molesters are heterosexual men. Do you consider it safe to expose children to heterosexual male teachers, pediatricians, priests, or scoutmasters?

11. With all the societal support for marriage, the divorce rate is spiraling. Why are there so few stable relationships among heterosexuals?

Hope you enjoyed that as much as I did! Share it with friends and family. It makes for a good conversation. :P

Morning Wood




Hmm...just woke up awhile ago and the day is already looking good. Yesterday was awesome. Quick rundown, Lunch at 303 (KC Strip and jacket potato) with all the guys. Watched the KU game at the Buzzard. Cigars at Fidel's. Back to 303 for appetizers. (Calamari, yum!) Did some shopping on the Plaza (new white silk bomber scarf) and then dinner at Blanc Burger. (only the most amazing selection of gourmet burgers, fries, beers and sodas on the planet! well at least in Kansas City...) who knew Steve had a twin brother? LOL

Mind you...this was ALL accomplished in a blinding snowstorm...all day long! The trip home after a long full day was nerve wracking since the plows were STILL not out on the streets...but all is well that ends well! :) Not THAT was a good day off...despite the freaking nasty weather.

So woke up this early Sunday morning wondering what today holds. Coffee is brewing, It is cold and icy outside...but it is going to be a good day! I cannot wait for church! I have a feeling I need to hear something today, and while that scares me a bit, I am also excited. Life is starting to get interesting again.

Had an awesome talk with my Dad yesterday about where I am at in life at the moment. Career, goals, retirement, cars...that somehow spun off into a real candid talk about my dating life, relationships, (past and present) sexuality and the current norms and views in today's society both IN and OUT of the church. Kind of cool, huh? We are both in agreement that the Church has it all fucked up and wrong with how and where they meet people with truth concerning their struggle or lack there of with homosexuality. So far from correct as to be hateful, vile and nasty to people, other humans, who are searching for truth and faith.

Needless to say, we had great time talking about the past, what life looked like then, questions he had for me that had gone unanswered and generally just enjoying each others company as men. Talk about some validation and affirmation that I needed! :) Have I mentioned that I love my Dad?

So yeah, today is church this morning at Jacobs Well, then lunch with whoever wants to go, (maybe Stephen if he shows up, I miss that dude) and then...uh...who knows? Need to call Michael today in the afternoon and see what he has going on. Prolly all snuggled up on the couch with Fallon and NOT getting out...LOL :)

Eh...we will see what happens. This does not look like, or feel like Spring! But I am okay with that now.

Peace.


PS: about that title...that is what woke me up this morning...as usual...cause I had to build a fire...thought this post was gonna be about my dick...didn't ya? :P

Saturday, March 20, 2010

Snow...wut?!





Woke up a few minutes ago and ready to start my three day weekend....what the heck?! There is like 5 inches of snow out there and more on the way all day long, and tomorrow and the day after!

Grrrrrrrr! I am so pissed off right now! (not really mad, more like disappointed/frustrated) The plows are out so the streets are clear, but this is not the beautiful spring weekend that I envisioned spending around town. Any car I drive will get dirty (which I am OCD about) and I have to wear more and more layers, have a coat with me, meh! Not so happy!

Okay, now that I got that out of my system I feel a bit better. Think I might head into the city in a while and get some coffee and do some shopping, grab some lunch and see what is being planned for tonight.

I am resolved to still have a great weekend. What is a little snow? It could be much worse. Now that I am writing I realize that I do not have alot to say at the moment. Just listening to Enya and kind of waking up. Guess I better make some coffee, look in the mirror, get my work out in and get cleaned up. I am sure that will make me feel better.

Another thought, what to do when people just stop communicating with you? I understand we all get busy at times, but to suddenly not hear from them at all, except when I reach out? It kind of strikes me as odd, but then I do the same thing at times when I don't think about it. People just kind of slip your mind and life and time pass us by and something else, or someone else gets in the way. There is only so much time in a day, so many days in the week...hmmm.

I have no idea what to do today, cause of this weather!

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Sunny day and peace...



Just got back from picking up some car parts for my Dad. I so enjoy spending time with him and catching up on all those years and time that we missed as I grew up. Simple tasks like changing the oil, doing yard work, going to car shows, helping with his hot rods or just watching him have a blast shooting some new gun that I bought him. I love him so much and aspire to be the man that he is someday. So from me to you Dad...you are my hero. Thanks for investing all that you have into my life and always being an example to me of what education, hard work and perseverance can build. Each time I see you, I am reminded that some things turn out right. If I can carry your name further in this world and bring just a measure of pride to you, I will count myself a success as your son.

That being said...it is an amazing day here in the Midwest. Though the rest of the weeks weather bodes ill for us (low of 27 degrees!) today is a day that smiles are made of. The sun is out. It is warm and breezy. Flowers and bulbs are coming up and the birds have been singing since 4 am. I am about ready to wash one of my cars, yank the top off and do some serious driving with no destination in mind. Just music, wind and rowing through the gears. Hopefully I can find some curves to hug today and the po-po won't be hiding around some corner waiting for me!

Yeah...that's about it right now. I am happy and going to go enjoy my day. Got my homework done for class. That was not fun, but it is done and I have the rest of the day to enjoy. I might not even shave and just sport the day off scruff...but I prolly will shave. :) I want to give a shout out to my friend Mathieu who is having a rough day. Hope it goes better for you and wherever you are, you are smiling now. We are all loved man, somedays we just feel it more than others.

Peace!

Sap is rising...


Woke up this morning really early! I am talking 3 am early! But that was due to the fact that I went to bed last evening at 8 pm after a good day filled with some chores, hanging out with friends, St. Patrick's Day food and fun and I was beat! Kind of slept like a dog and drooled everywhere, but I needed the rest. Got up for a bit, worked out, ate some breakfast and then crashed again while waiting for the sun to rise.

Got home early last night and went on some kind of cleaning jag, that really made my day this morning after I got up a second time around 9 am. And how the sun has risen! It is a beautiful spring day! The way I feel today reminds me of a quote that has stuck with me in life.

It's spring fever. That is what the name of it is. And when you've got it, you want - oh, you don't quite know what it is you do want, but it just fairly makes your heart ache, you want it so! ~Mark Twain



So yeah...that is how I feel today. I have another day off (two in a row, can you believe it?) and hope to fill it with good things. Going to wash and wax the car for sure. Take a long drive with the top down if the weather temps permit, and have my class tonight.

Oh crap! That reminds me that I have to do two chapters worth of homework today and get the answers emailed into Eric before 7 pm tonight....grrrrr. Well I have the questions done, just need to transfer them over to email format. Tonight we are covering the True Masculine and True Feminine. I bet its going to be a tough one, though I hope to learn some new things about myself as I have each week.

That is something I need to consider some day, maybe do some research, but I have a problem with females. I am not talking about being gay and only being attracted emotionally and physically to guys. I mean I do not really like them at all. In fact, except for my mom and sis, they have never been a part of my life. Never really had girls as friends and have always lived a life devoid of their presence and input.

I do not think that this is very healthy? Or do I feel that way because I see other guys interacting with them all the time? Do I need any female input into my life? Does much of this stem from the fact that I grew up divorced from any and all feminine characteristics by my family, school and peers? Hmmm...that might make a good blog entry someday, once I reach some clarity on it. I do remember a few girls that liked me in school but I pretty much ignored them I guess?

Anyway, today looks to be an awesome one and I can't wait to get outside so I am cutting this short. Hope all is well, where ever all of you are and that today brings you the promise and reality of good things. Kick some ass...cause, "HEY, IT'S SPRING!" :P

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Men in trees...


Woke up today with the alarm and simply had a lie in and listened to the music that kind of floated in and out of my consciousness. The sky is gray and rain fell like peaceful tears on the windows and slowly slipped down to the sills. In the warm and early morning light I paused and let my mind walk easily through the events of the past few weeks.

Much has transpired in my life, as of late, but most thoughts and events have been captured in the many journals that travel with me, in my knapsack, always at the ready for pen and time. Spring time is upon me and all the feelings and thoughts that come with it as the earth opens back up to the possibility of new life and growth.

It has been quite an interesting journey this year, thus far. New friends made, choices happening and a resolute quiet affirmation that this life is good and well for me. Today marks another holiday of sorts, but my pattern there has been broken. Now awake after a few more hours of sleep I watch several young guys work on my trees. While most arbor duties I can handle, the actual topping out and pruning of several of my mature trees is best handled by a professional with the tools of his trade.

Today will be flush with activity once I get around, but I am enjoying simply padding around the house tending to domestic things and listening to the banter of men outside and the singing of the chains saws as they make their cuts. Soon I will head out into the country to my sisters home to plant some shrubs for her and move furniture around. Brett (tree guy) will follow me out there and we hope to get her apple trees in shape for a new growing season. We make some of the best pies from those trees! I also have to pick up a new sweater chest that finally came up for sale! I am excited about the new furniture, but will have to move it later in the week when my Dad and brothers can help. It is one big piece! Beautiful quarter sawn oak with iron hardware. It is going to look great in the bedroom with the armoire I picked up last fall, plus, I could use the storage for all the sweaters that found their way home with me this season. :)

Tonight still remains yet a mystery, meaning, I have not made a decision about what to do. I am just sitting here listening to the parade on the TV and realizing that this day's festivities are best left to the amateurs. I have no reason to be out and about so may simply enjoy a day off with myself. I am thinking due to the weather that some art and music might be in store for me. I am feeling a bit contemplative, but my coffee shop lies on the parade route and also at the heart of the Irish district, so that may be out until much later today. Maybe there will a window of time to slip in between the crowds of revelers and grab some table time to sketch and think.

Might give Michael a call soon on his lunch. I would like to get dinner tonight and spend some time together. Knowing him, this evening will be simple. I like simple. :)

All is well here and I am looking forward to a few days off, filled with good things. Nothing much bothering me at the moment and just sipping my first cup of coffee and waking my mind up to the day. I trust all is well with you.

Peace.

My heart hurts for friends...

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Shaving and Shifting


So I sat here telling myself excuses as to why I do not have time to really post today, and then realized that in the time of the internal discussion I was having with myself, I could put a few simple words down to mark my days.

The reluctance with which I meet this page seems to mirror the way that my eyes slide off of themselves in the mirror while shaving. This was once a task much enjoyed by myself. The grooming... the ritual... the essence of manhood distilled into an early morning act. But now I find myself shaving in the shower more and more. Standing under hot water while my fingers search my features and simple muscle memory and tactile sensation guide my razor over a visage unmarred, but rather left unseen.

Why this change in my pattern? What is there in my own eyes that seems to keep myself wounded from myself? Are the questions being asked of me in those sweaty dreams at night slowly finding their way to the waking parts of my mind and driving a wedge deeper and more tightly into the heart spaces of my mind?

I do no know at the moment. My mind is still not sharpened to the day. I wait for the dryer to deliver warm cords and a tumbled and warm sweater. My coffee sits neglected for just a moment as I contemplate this grey day and how it will unfold.

I am not sad.

Happy I am not.

Where does this leave me?

The thought that comes to mind is:

Paradigm Shift.

Monday, March 15, 2010

Sunday, March 14, 2010

Grrrr...slept in and horny



So yeah...I forgot about daylight savings time. (not really though, I set my watch ahead, but not all the clocks in the house, specifically my alarm clock)

Woke up, kind of in a fog, with a memory of the dream I was having and the knowledge that I talked to a good friend last night.

Sitting here now, waking up and sipping my coffee and chocolate milk.

Realized I don't have anything to write about at the moment.

But I am horny.

Gonna go take care of that.

Be back later when my brain boots up...

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Opportunity and Life!


The windows and doors are open, sunshine and fresh air blowing through the entire house, the smell of Spring and life is in the air and all my spaces are clean and ready for an awesome, kick ass day! Ran this morning and just took it all in for the few miles that my body moved. Light streaming into my eyes, air chuffing hard and the rhythm and pace of moving past it all cleared my head in a way that is only possible by working the body hard.

Home again smelling of man, sweat and life, soon to be washed clean in the shower. I am due for a good scrub down after a night of hard sleep and this mornings exercise. Kind of brings to mind all those morning PT sessions in the Navy. I think that entire base in Groton, CT was made of hills! Up and down, through the woods, past the harbor, moving in step and pace with my band of brothers, each one working it out in our heads, hearts and bodies. There was such a simple peace in finding ourselves, amongst ourselves. Sometimes we called cadence, when joy or exhaustion was metering us. That communication that went unsaid, when one of us was hurting, either emotionally or physically. The changing of speeds and steps to ensure that no one was left behind. No one should be left out. We start together...we end together. Memories lane is somewhat golden at times...cause truth is...I hated running. But I loved being a part of something more than myself. All souls, united for purpose. So we ran...

After working through my "weekend" I find myself with a day off! So much to do, to see, to be! Tonight brings promise of time spent with Michael. I have missed him so in our time apart, but it has been good and rich for us both. I think this is the longest we have spent apart in these last few months, but it is good to see that bond of friendship is still there. So good to hear his voice and know that life is coming together for him. I was somewhat surprised that upon taking Brian to the airport, he didn't hop the plane himself for a short visit to the city that now his heart in many ways calls home. He is excited too! He gets his car/baby back today. Maybe tonight I will have time to wash and detail it for him.

That reminds me...got to clean the car soon. I had 5 awesome days of clean, gleaming machine, then the rain hit us for a few hours. Grrrrr...another bit of time shaved off my day, but I love washing cars. There is something cathartic and soul pleasing to me about spending time with my machines. They have always been my true loves. I still have the first Mustang I ever bought and he doesn't get out of the garage much. So many years, relationship, travels and stories that car has has brought me through. Wrecks, near death, catastrophe. When I left of the Navy in my new Wrangler, I left him a crashed heap in my Dad's hands to do what he wanted with it. I was hurt and upset that he was wrecked...but also was trying to distance myself from the pain by acting like I did not care.

When I returned home on leave...my Dad had something to show me.

Sitting there under a car cover was HIM. My first true love. Lovingly and painstakingly restored and better than when he rolled out off the assembly line. Gleaming red and black, 5.0 HO engine rebuilt, new aluminum Tremek race transmission, 850 double pumper Holley carb, high rise aluminum intake, roller rockers, roller cam, equal length headers, custom 3'' H-pipe and Flowmaster duals, completely reupholstered interior, massive wheels and rubber...ready to eat the streets! He was alive!

I was stunned, floored...and moved to tears.

This...this is how my Dad showed me he loved me. I was his beloved son. We speak to each other in actions, in machines...even in post it notes. Each time I take the cover off to wake him back to life and roam around the streets and scenes of my youth, I smile. And not just a simple grin...I mean a big, toothy, shit eating, happy as all fuck, my life is awesome smile!

This is a gift my Father gave me. He erased the past mistakes, reworked the broken pieces, replaced the parts that were beyond repair and slowly rebuilt the machine of my youth. He brought peace and new life to that which I had wrecked again and again and again.





You catching my drift here?





This is an amazing picture of what my God, my daddy, does for me each time I wreck this life beyond all recognizance. Those hard smashes into the guard rails, the losing control off the road, the burn outs, the fender benders, the hydroplaning, the drunken, mangled stupid choices. The relationships, the lies, the fears, the mistakes, the choices made, the lack of control, the over abundance of power harnessed to a boys desires, all of these things I keep doing over and over and over.

When I get out of the way...

When I step aside...in that space, when I am not watching, busy with so many other cares. Playing with new toys new people, new places, new ideas...

He is working. In that shop of all time. With tools too arcane and complex for me to comprehend. He lovingly, tenderly and sometimes painfully starts restoring my wrecked life.

My crushed and dented soul.

My rusted and poorly timed heart.

And it takes time. In the process there is flames, sparks, the shriek of tortured parts being made straight. The ugliness of body work and primer. But slowly...it starts taking shape.

And one day...one day...

When I open up the bay doors of my mind and spirit, possibly in the last and later moments of my life, I will see something, a shape, under a cover and I will wait with breathless anticipation, hoping, praying, wanting, dying to know...

And those lights will break open...that cover, that is my body, will be pulled back and underneath it all...

I will sit revealed. Fashioned as HE had planned. Better than the day I was born. New. Restored. Healed. Beautiful. Perfect.



And man...I am going to get in and drive.

That open highway that is all eternity...



:D Peace guys! Can you tell I am having a good day?!

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Up early today!









Wow...woke up at 5 am today, but I also crashed at 9 pm last night. Had been up way too late the day previous thinking I was to have the day off, and then was asked to please come into work to cover for "him who shall not be named". So, being the sport I am, and seeing that I had at least two hours sleep, I headed on in and actually had a pretty awesome day! Though once I got home last night....zonk!

So yeah, I remember some odd thoughts, before sleep took me in his warm embrace, last night. They seemed to center on the idea of taking care of myself more, and giving less thought to what others may think or attempt to interject in my life. Kind of like, screw all that noise, I am being me! But I don't quite remember...I was pretty tired. It might have just been me being selfish, so no worries. I will still be taking input from any and all givers...not that all will be acted on, mind you. :P

Today is now a day off! I decree it so! The day off that I was supposed to enjoy yesterday, but missed out on. And how cool is it, that I am rested now and can enjoy it! I guess it worked out much better than I could have imagined, 'cept for the weather and all. But....meh. Who cares?

So my feet are propped up, feeling good, got my flannel pants on and am just considering what to do today. Maybe the art galleries? That's always a great venue for gray and wet days. I might even wear some black or gray too! Not colors that I often put on my body, though I have been branching out a bit in the color spectrum lately. I know coffee is in there somewhere, sketching and reading...um...people watching for sure! I love springtime and the glow and secret smiles it brings to people's faces when they think no one is looking.

Life is better I guess. Kind of got back on my feet and am rolling along again. Thanks to all for the encouraging emails and phone calls. I love you guys!

I should have more to say at the moment, but I am not awake yet and my friend just messaged me...so I am off!

Saturday, March 6, 2010

When I Fail?


So yeah...it's Saturday and I am home tonight by choice and somewhat by necessity. Meaning, I still feel like crap and need some time to recover...but I am getting ahead of myself in this story, so I guess I will start at the beginning, or at least where I left off yesterday.

Hmm...left the house yesterday in an awesome mood with a full day of fun and hope ahead of me. The sun was out, the car was clean, life was good!

And then somehow I managed to jack the whole day up, like the fool I am at times!

Let me put it together, once I got into the city, headed down Broadway towards my coffee shop and then realized I was starving something fierce. I didn't want to deal with fast food, but did not want to wait much, so I stopped into Out of Bounds to grab some chicken strips and fries.

Mistake number one.

Out of Bounds belongs to a friend of mine in the community and is a sports bar and restaurant. It is a great place to catch the game and chill with some friends, shoot pool and take it all in. It has a great location on the corner and that whole area of the city has always been near and dear to my heart. I kind of grew up there, so to speak, on Broadway and the whole Plaza, Westport, Midtown, Downtown corridor.

But it is a gay sports bar. Not that I have a problem with that...lol

There is nothing inherently wrong with the place, as it is simply a fun and safe place for all of us guys and girls that actually like sports and want to hang out and catch the games, get some good food and generally have a fun time without dealing with all the crap that goes along with most homophobic sports bars and their crowds. I feel more comfortable there I guess, though I don't mind the straight bars either. But I am rambling...

Went in, friend was tending bar and there were a few guys around that I knew, hanging out. Got to talk to Phillip. Had not seen him for a long time and he is doing good! Got a new earring and really cool tattoo, his first one, of his family crest and seal. Very nice work and it looks good on him. The kitchen wasn't fired up for lunch yet so I had to wait around for awhile and should have just went on to 303 or hit Chubby's or something, but I didn't. Sat down like a idiot and had a drink with some friends. Nothing bad, but it set the tone for the day. Instead of coffee and heading out to church, now I was in a gay bar, grabbing a few brews with the old crowd.

There was this one smoking hot guy that come in with his boy friend and he was one of those rare creatures that just walked in beauty and grace and had no idea. He was not cute. He was beautiful, what I like to call "man pretty". Phillips boyfriend showed up on his crotch rocket and they shot some pool, I hung out with Caleb and some other friends. Finally I get my food! Yay! A smart guy would have eaten and went on with the day as formerly planned...but nope.

Remember, car show with Michael and Brian, new restaurant, all that? Didn't happen. It was past noon and they still had not called, so I was kind of upset. I mean I realize they were out late last night, but I would have liked to known the game plan.

Phone rang, its Geoffory. He wants to hang out and I figure I have some time to kill, why not?

Mistake number two.

The rest of the day went to crap from there. Needless to say, we rounded up the guys (not Michael and Brian) and headed out for a day of tomfoolerie. Grabbed my schedule and check from work and we hit the town. Took a long drive our in Kansas while it was nice and then decided to catch some live music and some more brews.

Mistake number three.

End of the night found me pretty well hammered, hanging out with all the old friends in the gay clubs here in Kansas City. Bouncing from club to club, music, lights, dancing...just like old times. Seeing and being seen. Working the crowds...

And who should walk in?

My boss and friends from work. You know the ones that I have been witnessing to and invited to church? Yeah...them. :( I remember talking to them, but not much about what was said. I was convicted in my heart something bad, and knew I had to get out of there. So I called a friend and had him drive me home. I wonder how bad I messed up my testimony and what validity my words now have with the guys and girls who are just like me? Did I make Jesus look like crap? Will they believe me when I continue to share my faith? Or am I just another fag like them, just one who happens to go to church... :(

Woke up this morning hung over and hurting and have spent the day trying to get my heart and head wrapped around what happened and how poorly I chose yesterday. I simply was who I used to be. How did that happen? That disconnect and acceptance of living the way I used to?

Come to think of it...

I have a boyfriend now. I've been spending my free time with my old friends. Besides my church and relationships I have with friends from there, what evidence really is in my life that it has changed? I have slowly just let things back in my life that for so long were not acceptable?

And it sneaks up on you, a little at a time...until one night...you're at a club, living the life and celebrating your brokenness with just one more shot, just one more dance, one more game of pool and all the darkness that comes with making irresponsible choices.

Or you wake up in the morning, laying in the sun, legs and arms tangled with a guy who you truly care deeply about, and you stare at the ceiling fan and smile, but really wonder in your heart... where this is going? As you kiss the back of his head, you wonder what he feels about this journey.

So I guess that is where I am at?

At odds with my choices, hurting from a day of stupid and wondering how Michael is doing tonight. I am just giving him and Brian some space to enjoy each other and know we can catch up tomorrow after church.

I am not beating myself up, though I do feel bad. I have some choices to make and hope that tomorrow is a much better day. What to do about it all?

I need God to meet me. I am tired of being the screwed up guy who keeps falling down. Today sucked cause I've been horny all day, but have just been ignoring it. At least I got some food and rest in me. One thing at a time man...one thing at a time.

Friday, March 5, 2010

Just like Tigger!


Welp, sitting here for a bit waiting for my caps to dry. Hand to hand wash them. (damn lamb's wool, don't them 'lil sheep live outside?) Grrrrrr...

But it gives me a few moments to check email and all the other net worthy things we do to keep in touch with our little corner of the world. Seems like all is right with the world and I have another beautiful day to enjoy! Spring is definitely in the air and its nice and warm out. (I need the cap cuz I buzzed all my hair off before hopping in the shower today.)

Going to grab some coffee with a friend...go figure...and then run down to the Plaza to pick up my schedule and plan my weekend. Got caught up on emails and downloaded some new music for the driving weather I've got today. Leaving the top on though, cause it's not quite that warm yet...but soon!

Today is going to be great. Going with Michael and his friend Brian to the International Car Show at Bartle Hall, then grabbing some lunch at a new restaurant. (wow! I spelled that right on the first try...ever have those words you misspell your whole life cause you learned 'em wrong the first time?) So I am excited, though kind of nervous. Brian has known him MUCH longer than I have, so I wonder what his take will be on me? Trying not to worry about it, but that's how it goes when you enter new circles in peoples lives.

Ever wonder what it would be like to grab ALL of your circles of friends ( family, work, church, social, clubs, school, university, childhood, relationships) and throw them all together in one big party where the only common thing would be that they know YOU? Hmmm...that might be an idea for something this summer at the lake. Water is a good equalizer and it would sure be interesting letting all of those worlds collide!

So yeah...dryers going, I am cleaned, clad and polished for the day. Kind of going for that scruffy, very casual, whatever... it's Friday thing. Puma's, ripped jeans, layered Quiksilver t's and a smile. I think that will work for another day off!

Hope all is well in your part of the world! Have an awesome Friday and pay at least one stranger and honest and sincere compliment. It will change BOTH of your days and put a smile on your face! :)

Oh and about the title today...

MY MOOD IS.....




And now I am OUTIE HERE! :)

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Lunch time and Dad



I like being clean! Took a long hot shower and scrub in the sunshine today and genuinely reveled in being myself and this body I have. I am not talking about some kind of self serving narcissism that comes from loving oneself and appearance above all others, but that satisfaction that comes from being at peace with yourself and truly enjoying this amazing gift we have in our physical bodies.

Much to be thankful for today as I completed the simple tasks that make my life run much smoother when times are hectic. All the laundry done and folded into its neat little stacks. Changed the bed linens and aired out the house. Spring is in the air and everything around me is waking up to the possibility of new life! I cannot wait to get back outdoors and start digging into all my planting projects, tending the gardens and flowers and I am simply dying for some sweet corn! I appreciate life and this space I have made for myself. I am me...and me is happy!

Was working on some homework today for a class I am taking and had to answer many questions about my Dad and I. What our relationship is like, how he raised me, the man he is and the man he called me out to become. The name he gave me. What I have made that name come to be known as. Our love, the way we communicate. Places and times that he failed and hurt me. Events where I hurt him, or brought him disappointment. It was kind of hard to work through that all, but a necessary thing to do, in order to become more at peace with myself, with my Dad and my present. An easy way to sum it up, as the relationship we share is private, is that...My Father, my Dad is my hero. I only wish someday to be the man that he is. As I grow older, the more we realize in the family, that I am the son most like him. I am my Father's son.

Cooking lunch now, some braised pork chops with mushroom and thyme stuffing, Honey caramel apple sauce and some new crisp green beans. I can hardly wait to get my grub on. Food and cooking has always been an art form to me, and sharing that with others is one of the ways that I show love and thankfulness for them. Food meets needs of our body, but the sharing of meals feeds our souls. I have so many happy memories linked to cooking with friends and family, gathering around tables or outdoors to eat, talk and simply enjoy each others presence. The way to a man's heart is often through his stomach? I think there be some truth to that. We associate that instant with all the times we have been fed when hungry, by our Mom's, our Fathers, family, dates, friends. Many of these shared times revolve around a meal.

I like food!

Well, it is almost time to feed, so I will leave you with this simple thought. Be good to yourself. Love the body you are in. Smile at others today and share a bit of the amazing love that can be found by simply caring for someone else.

Peace.

Night time after WOW talks with strangers...


Okay...first off....how the hell can mashed potatoes and chicken pot pie be so good that it makes a guy moan and shake a fork at it when you have it in your mouth?!

Is that even legal here?

I dunno...but holy freakin' wow! (and yes Mathieu, I am trying to watch my language...but it is really that amazingly, awesomely, unbelievably orgasmic to my taste mouth thingies)








Can you tell I forgot to eat today again?! :)


So yeah, got some questions from a reader and thought I would try to answer them before I sacked out on my bed which looked so good when I last saw it. I do love my sleepy time!

Okay...more food...om, nom, nom, nom, nom nom.!

First question, " Do you always feel that you're just wandering around, so to speak?"

The simple answer is yes, The thought and phrase that has rang my bell since I was a kid was...

"I walk the earth."

It is really that simple. I am just a wanderer and sojourner in this strange and different land. Nothing profound really, but I always knew I was just passing through. If I had a pedometer that could log the miles on earth, sea and under the water I have been...well, lets just say...I have been around! (and not in some sick, sexual, all wise man whore way either!)

OMG...more mashed potatoes...soooooooo good!

Second question, " What are the organizing principles in your life?"

Honest answer...I do not have any. I live...that's about it. Should I have something profound to say?

Third question, "What are your concrete goals for the next 6 months?"

Ummm...buy my Dad something really good for his birthday. Water ski and swim as much as humanly possible this summer. Increase saving from 20 percent of income to 35 percent of income before tax. Read more of "The Classics". Make true love to Michael. Finish the restoration on my 1939 Chevy. Spend more time with my brothers. Skinny dip on the summer solstice. (tradition, sorry) floss more, swear less. lose 8 pounds, finish reading the Old Testament, stop jacking off every single day and uh...try to make my bed when I get out of it?

Fourth question, "Does that make any sense? "

Yeah it does. Give more than I take. Working on it man! :)


So yeah, I am going to eat some more, then shower, then put on soft cotton stuff and come back here. Give me a bit!

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Three days off...





Why is that even when I stay up till dawn to watch the sunrise, even after a bit of sleep, my body simply wakes up again and the day starts all anew? As I sit here, a bit groggy, and take in all the sunlight and music that greets this days start and a yawn splits my face, I contemplate three whole days off of work!

Now, before I go planning a short road trip or wander off, I do have somethings that I need to get done and obligations to keep. I have grown up a bit over time. Got the car club meeting tonight and I sure they would like to see me and the new beastie. There are still things to put away around the house and some cleaning to do, all the usual domestic tasks that fall to me, as far as I know. 'Cause I have looked around and still can't find that butler, maid or husband anywhere! :P

So yeah, got some time to enjoy me and this new idea of spring. Definitely need to wash the SE and get him waxed up for tonight. Got to make a good impression, though I know they will love it. I think he will be the only British Racing Green Special Edition in the club to date. I am sure Deb will try to rope me into all the Snake Day Parade stuff, but I don't have the time this year, for that or the Colorado trip, though I would love that one. Just not with them? Is that a bad thing? I would do that drive and all, just with strangers! Hmm...

Need to pick up three pairs of swimming trunks for Jeff for his trip to Aruba. He leaves on Sunday with everyone and I know he is soooo excited. He deserves a vacation, so good for him! (even this guy is still just a 'lil jealous)

Wow...so yeah...not a lot on the list to fill three whole days. Got the International Car Show on Thursday with Michael and his friend from Atlanta, that will be awesome! And got everything started of right last night by actually getting home, alone and in one piece. I wasn't really sure after seeing the turn out of friends and community at 303. One of my friends manged to text and call me at a opportune time and I was able to extricate myself from the evening and all its festivities. Got to love that!

So yeah...three days...I know they will be good. I mean, it was nice to "sort of" sleep in today! :) Something I have been thinking about so might throw it out there...

To the few people who read this blog...anyone have any questions for me? I know as I read other peoples stuff, much comes to mind, but I don't pry or really ask them anything, especially when I do not know them that well.

If there is something you'd like to know about me? (within reason and good taste) I will do my best to answer them the next three days...or whenever someone might get around to asking. Just post em in your comments here, I guess?

Later all!

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

A new day!


So woke up this morning to another awesome song playing a bit too loudly and rolled over and saw the sun streaming through the drapes and realized...it is another new day! I get to do it all over again! :)

Stepped outside to check the weather (much more reliable than those talking heads on the noise box) and am now going about my morning rituals and patterns. That sounded scary I guess. I meant that I am slurping my coffee, checking out my face in the mirror (who is that guy?) and generally getting ready for today in the best way possible.

All too soon it will be time to hit the shower and put some clothes on, but I am taking a few minutes to read, check in with God and write a few words here. What is it about life that just continually fascinates me and keeps me so full of joy, even in the midst of the turmoil and confusion I see around me so often?

Am I too simple to realize its complexities, or just content and happy enough to not be deeply bothered by all the circumstances that others seem to fixate on? I truly am a happy person by nature and just really dig each and every day. I guess if I thought hard enough, I could remember some bad days that I have had, but those seem to fade with each new opportunity for personal greatness and service.

That is one thing that makes me full of joy to be alive. Purpose in life and being of some good to others and contributing in my way to a better today. People need me and I can make them happy by simply doing what is required, asked and over and above what is expected. I live to serve.

So yeah, fell asleep last night perusing the latest schematics for in ground thermonuclear reactors that may soon be used in remote areas for electrical power generation. The amount of tech they are able to back into such small packages amazes me! It is good to see that the research and possibility that has been harnessed to military applications is finally working its way into the civilian sector in order to service the common man and his real or perceived needs. Two different models are in the works and I have to hand it to Toshiba for the ingenious design of the self limiting containment module. Talk about confidence in their people, to let a reactor go un-contained and unchecked to prove that it literally will cease its function in the absence of the operation of the cooling plant. I can't wait to see how this concept is realized in production and how the civilian sector will react (pun intended) to the availability of a renewable energy source that does not rely on fossil fuels.

Random I know, sorry, but it made for some interesting dreams. Think 12 Monkeys meets White Squall...hmmm

Back to today, work till 5 of course and then how to fill this evening with good things? I know that I am not alone in the hopes that this day will be full of peace and that in some small way I will learn, grow and share life with people who love themselves, me and others.

Time to get rolling I guess. The car is clean, the clothes are ready, breakfast is made, lunch is packed, phone is charged, shoes are shined. Yep, yep...here I go!

Leave you with these words:

Jude 24-25

Now unto him that is able to keep you from falling, and to present you faultless before the presence of his glory with exceeding joy,

To the only wise God our Saviour, be glory and majesty, dominion and power, both now and ever. Amen.

I am liking it! So to all of you, have a good day! I know I am! :)

US Navy Drill Team



These guys really bring it and also make me homesick for the service and my shipmates. God bless those in peril on the sea.

Monday, March 1, 2010

Grrr...not liking it at all!


Today was pretty good, I must say. Well I don't have to say it, but I did. Anyway...got plenty of rest last night and bounced up bright and early. Not alot on the agenda besides work and being lazy later and managed to get both done, thank you very much!

Got a call from my neighbor when he locked himself out of his parents house and waited with him until the locksmith showed up. He's a nice guy, pretty cute too, but kind of dumb. Okay not dumb really, just pretty young. Freshman in college now? That sounds about right...Once that was taken care of and we got him back inside where he belonged, Michael called and needed a favor. Just a pick up from the dealership and run him over to the car rental place while they financially butt rape him over some maintenance and dubious "suspension" issues. Or at least they tried...

He dropped off the car in the morning and they gave him a loaner to head into work. How nice...then called him later in the day and dropped the bomb. Five grand and change estimate! Not a warranty issue, but some incident causal effect BS and said that insurance would handle it. I think they are trying to take him for a ride and that does not sit well with me at all. Oh, and he can't keep the loaner, but needs to rent a car. Grrrrrr...

I don't know for sure yet but I am willing to bet they saw a nice new BMW and then they saw him and the way he carries himself and thought...we can soak this little guy for as much as he will pay. I mean for crying out load, its a brand new car!

So, I was hopping mad and ready to head on in there and read them the riot act and I think he could tell, even though I was staying calm and just asking simple questions. Needless to say, he called me back awhile later and had the dealership drop him off at the rental place...lol

I think he knew what I had planned and decided to keep angry Daemon away from dealership maintenance prick. I will still be taking a look at the estimate and talking to them about the situation and vehicle, but at a later time and with a better frame of mine. The adjuster will be out there in a few days and until then Michael will have to suffer with some cheap tawdry non-German import. Poor baby... ;)

But c'mon! What the hell? They wouldn't try that shyte with me or my brother. Why are they trying it on him? Just because he's not mechanically inclined, and might be a bit "softer" and dresses nicer DOES NOT mean he is not a man. All of us should be treated with respect and honesty REGARDLESS of how we present to others.

NONE of us are free, until ALL of us are free.

Okay...I need to calm down again. Grrrrrrrrrr...

So tonight is simple. It is Monday and I am pretty worn out actually. Got my running in today and a light workout. Good food and rest will help alot. Was really freakin' horny this morning and ended up having to get off like 4 times. Still not sure what all that was about? Crazy body and hormones or something. Oh well...it has been a good day. I want to write some more later about things on my mind, but that will have to wait for a bit.

This week is going to be nutz I think...but good, I hope! Now if I can just get my hands on that guy at the dealership...lol :)

Peace