Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Up and at 'Em!

Woke up before my alarm this morning to beautiful warm sunshine and a whole list of things to get done before work today. Currently doing laundry, making coffee, jotting down a grocery list and all of the various mundane chores that make up my simple life. I am still amazed at what eight hours of hard, knock out sleep can do for me. I feel like a new man. Well, not a new man, but at least a really well rested man! :)

Working my banquets today, which is always a feat of patience and decorum. Sometimes these business people, in their zeal for new prospects and competition amongst themselves often take out their frustration on "the help" which then falls onto me as the Banquet Captain. This is where I have to excel under pressure, keep the other servers calm, put out the fires, smooth ruffled feathers, approve outrageous requests and generally act a fool in order to keep smiles in place and things running smoothly. Believe me, it will be a much better day, after the last of these guests are ushered out of the Hemingway Room to their respective vehicles. At least I only deal with this group once a week. They sure are a piece of work! Today will be a bit sad, as I will be saying goodbye to one of my best servers, Meghan. She has been cherry picked by a new restaurant group in the city and today will be her last day with us. She is a joy to work with, a triple threat as Chef, Kitchen Manager and Server and her smile and perky voice will be sorely missed. I wish her the best of luch and know that success will continue to find her. I know Tristan (her boyfriend) is taking it a bit hard, since he will continue on with our company, but maybe some space will also do them good. It is hard to maintain good boundaries when one works with the person one loves. That is at least one rule I learned while in the Navy!

The church announced who our new pastor is this last Sunday. It is our old pastor! Tim will be returning from New Zealand with his family during the summer and I am so excited. This is the guy who invited me BACK to his church after hearing what a horrible person I was. I truly consider him a dear friend and almost like my second Dad. After searching high and low, I guess the elders came to an understanding that no one could fill our founding pastor's shoes like our founding pastor could. I cannot wait to pounce him in a bear hug and hear what adventures he has had in Kiwi land. I know last week he wiped out in the surf and had a pretty intimate encounter with his face and the surf board, as evidenced by the pics he sent me! Ouchie! Welcome home Tim and get your tail back ASAP. We have missed you and your amazing family.

So that last post was kind of a bummer, huh? I still haven't really processed all those feelings and thoughts but I am just taking it one day at a time now. Crap, can't quit sneezing! Anyway, I am in a good place at the moment and know that all of these questions and issues will be resolved in good time. Thanks for hanging with me and know that as I find answers I will keep you all posted.

Had a dream last night of Michael and I, so in a strange mood, but not upset or depressed about it. Just really miss him on days like this. We never got to Africa together. We were going to raise horses and sleep on the porch under the stars...memories.


Friday, January 21, 2011

Digging out!

Friday night finds me here at home piecing together the last few weeks of my life in hopes of finding an answer to the place I find myself. A 'state of the union' address, not for my friends and readers, per se, but more of a way to put my thoughts into words in order to gain some clarification through the perusal of my current circumstances. I am firmly convinced if I put my mind to it and sit here and write, some clarity may come to me. I have got to break this gridlock in my mind and heart. Blew off a buddies birthday party to spend some time with myself tonight and think. He is having another one tomorrow night, anyway, so will catch up with the guys then. Less girls, less drama, me thinks?

Each year starts with my birthday and with that comes the reviewing of the past year and the decisions and events that have transpired. I guess I can dissect each area of my life and try to grasp this wind that seems to be blowing in my soul.

My conscience seems to be tightly tuned like a violin these days. So many different ideas and thoughts on my faith. I guess talking about God and my relationship with Him and others is a feasible place to start. The easy way to say it is, I am losing faith, if I ever had it in the first place. Now, don't get me wrong, I still believe in God and would consider myself a 'christian', but the definition of that in my mind is slowly changing, the more I observe and serve with those in my life that also align themselves alongside the faith of the gospel found in the Bible. While it is easy to find the inconsistency and contradiction in others lives and practice, it is much more difficult to sound out those untrue places in my life. Turing that high powered perception on oneself is a a scary thing at times. I am not quite sure what I believe. I always took the Bible to be God's word. This is what I was taught, this is what I ultimately believed. The content found inside its pages is what led me to an eventual belief in God later in my life. The problem I am running into is all the different interpretations and ideas that others have attached to this book over the countless years it has been around. Are there really as many brands of Jesus as their is toothpaste? I guess the dogma and tradition of others has reached a breaking point in my life and I refuse to believe or live out anything towards others or in my internal life that does not ring of truth and authenticity. If I do not believe in it, I am not doing it. It is that simple.

In common speak, it all 'sounds' really good, but there is much of it that does not work in reality. God seems to be a confusing being, who keeps changing His mind and plans about things. First he wants the Jews, then He decided since His Son was eventually rejected by them, "Screw you guys, here is the mystery of the Church! The Truth is now being offered to the Gentiles, maybe they will believe in me?"

And we have been in this mess, arguing continually over the writings of people long gone for the last few thousand years. Some guys wrote some stuff down (authenticated by the Holy Spirit, according to what they wrote which seems hardly a statement of credibility? This is true because it is true...) and then a long time after that a bunch of other church guys scraped all those writing together, discarding some, adding others into what we see now as the Bible. This then was translated from language to language, culture to culture to what I have now, bound in worn leather on my desk. Is God big enough to keep some integrity to the words he wanted preserved? I think He is. Do I believe that man never interfered with this process? I do not. Why in the world were some 'gospels' and letters from guys who knew/knew of Jesus then placed together and called God's words? Why does much of it not make any sense to us in today's culture and in light of our grasp of history and science? The questions I have about doctrine and accuracy could go on and on and I guess the bottom line is, do I believe it or not? My honest answer right now, this night, is I do not know. I have blindly followed it and others in the past few years and feel that it has got me to this destination; more questions than answers and smack dab in the middle of no where. Fantastic work guys, I really appreciate it. (extreme sarcasm noted)

Moving on to my life. I work too much, as I have in the past, but I think it is good for me right now. It keeps me busy, lets me save money for the future and also keeps my free time tied up and gives me less of a chance to wander off too far and get into trouble. I am loving being back in the restaurant business but with it also comes the inevitable drama and petty intrigue that seems to haunt the service industry. It really all does come down to cash, sex and secrets. That is the best way to describe the dysfunctional little families that all restaurants are and eventually become. I love my job. I look forward to an extended stay in this business in the future. I just hope I can come out the other side with my goals met, more money in the bank and my sanity and integrity intact.

Dating...? I can't say I am looking, and I can't say I have my eyes shut either. Single life does NOT suit me well at all. Have I learned some lessons about this process over the years? Yes. Do I want to make the same mistakes? No. Do I see myself with a partner in life? Yes. That is all I know right now. I am tired of being the pursuer. I have always taken the initiative and been aggressive in going after who/what I want. I have also always got what I wanted, but in the end, even after years of a relationship, life and time always seem to take them away from me. I guess I am sitting back and am available, but I refuse (while in my right mind) to ask any guy out right now. I would like to be asked out for once. I would like someone else to lead in this dance. I am done hunting. While I have seen interest in me on several guys part in the past few months, there is no spark there, no 'it' factor. It is usually some chemistry/sexual thing or more of a human curiosity in someone unlike themselves. That thing that makes me stop in my tracks internally or physically and truly want to know another guy. Why do his eyes look like that? What is he thinking when he stares off into middle space? So I guess this is on hold too, until some jack ass gets up the nerve to do what I have been doing my whole life and introducing himself like a gentleman and asking me out. I like my own company but have always preferred to share my life. Where the hell is he?

School starts this Fall. I am both excited and terrified. It is a private liberal arts school that is terribly conservative. (we are talking Sarah Palin crazy here people) What the heck was/am I thinking? I am going to keep pursuing this and if God does not want me there, I hope he cock blocks me in some fashion. I want to study Culinary and this seems like a great opportunity. Will I love the school or hate it? Probably a little bit of both. I am going to have to learn how to bite my tongue when it comes to philosophy and politics and get the education that I am there for. Will I have a fun time along the way? Of course! I am Daemon after all! :)

Family is doing well. Little sis is in Jamaica doing her medical and social missions work with orphans. Older bro is making money hand over fist and taking care of his insane, hot wife and beautiful little daughter. Dad and Mom are doing what they do best, dating each other and basically being a hot mess. Dad is still working on his hot rods, Mom is busy with the societies and all the other family obligations that come with our name. I look forward to going back East with them next year for the Congress and an extended vacation on the Cape and in the Vineyard. Home life with those I am related to is going well, though they can't help but wonder what next crazy adventure I am going to head out on. I have lived in the same place for over 4 years now...and that is a lifetime for me. The wander lust will strike again soon, I am sure.

Friends...my friends are crazy. Whether they are helping me dig my car out of a snow drift in the middle of a blizzard, piling up four deep in a bed to watch a movie and sleep, buying us all just one more round, going shopping for that perfect belt or pair of shoes, sitting down over coffee for a good talk, always answering the phone and random texts I send out at all hours, giving me a bone crushing hug just when I need one, or simply making space for me to learn myself all over again...I am truly thankful for their presence and love. I am truly rich when it comes to companions that walk this life, arm in arm, shoulder to shoulder, hand in hand, shotgun riders all the way. Thank you, Pookie, Snogs and Peterbuilt!

Ima shut up now. But I do feel better about life, just by rambling here, way too long, to all of you! Thanks for reading, or not reading. Some of you just like the pretty pictures! In truth...so do I. Ciao!



I have not blogged for over a week now and am not sure why the words seem to get stuck in my head. Things are happening in my life, but I have not felt the inspiration to share. The snow is heavy on the ground now and after getting trapped in the storm last evening I feel the same way about my life at the moment.

Either I am stuck, or I am trapped in some kind of limbo. Waiting for school to start. Working and living. Dealing with all the mundane minutia of life. Cleaning house, doing laundry, paying the bills...just all the little things that make my world revolve.

Now it's happening again, all the thoughts jammed up in my head and unable to come out coherently. I am not sure what is wrong with me but I really hope it resolves soon. I have things that I need to get out of my brain and heart.


Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Stunned by Love

So here I sit, in the waning hours of my birthday, pondering my day and an amazing and unexpected gift that I received this evening from my Dad.

After eating dinner tonight with my parents, sans siblings, we took the time to sit around the family table and talk for a stretch of time. My Mom reminisced about the hours my brother Brian sat on a stool at the hospital into the wee hours of dawn waiting for the arrival of his new brother. We sat back with the dishes cleared and reconnected on a level that has been sorely missed by myself. My Dad told me some great stories of my forgotten childhood and we took a fantastic slow trip down the memory lane of my life. Only those people who have been there since the first moments of your life can truly offer perspective on who you were and what you have become.

The talk had subsided and it was time to open the cards and my gifts and celebrate this day that was mine. As usual, my parents found the perfect card and also picked out those things I had wished for over the year, but never taken the time to purchase for myself. How they manage to surprise and delight me each birthday I do not know, but I do know that I love it, and them, very much.

I came to my last gift and picked it up with some curiosity. It was incredibly heavy in my hands and its large shape had me puzzled. Was it a new handgun that I had studied at a show with my Dad? Possibly some new car parts for my never ending projects? Maybe it was 1000 rounds of ammunition to subsidize my target shooting obsession or maybe reloading supplies? I turned it over in my hands and began to slowly unwrap the paper carefully that had been so painstakingly applied by my Mom, obviously. She laughed and told me to go ahead and rip it open. I noticed the camera was poised for some shots which had me puzzled all the more.

What could this be? And from my Dad, at that?

Once revealed, I held in my hands a beautiful wooden box of substantial weight. Its smooth polished surface gave no indication of the treasure I would find within. The gift I never expected to receive and still cannot fathom coming from the man that I call my Dad.

This is what I found...

"Happy Birthday #2!" was written in his Copperplate writing at the top of a sheet of his stationary. Below it was this note, handwritten, with great care.

"They say when an angel misses you, they toss a penny down from heaven. Sadly, not everyone knows how much truth there is to this old adage.

The Spirit has many interesting ways of communicating with us, and always on a very personal level. Your spiritual signs and signals can range from the truly spectacular to the very mundane. Sometimes they can be found in the most unusual places, or when they are least expected. Two of the most commonly sighted phenomena are coins as well as feathers. Depending on your belief system, these items left or placed around are left by loved ones, angels or God.

No matter where you may believe your signs are coming from, they are most certainly meant especially for you, and they always have a sincere and personal meaning, no matter how small or seemingly insignificant they may appear to be.

So don't pass by that penny. When you are feeling blue, it may be a penny from Heaven, that an angels tossed to you. ~


Each penny in this box represents one prayer for you when you were away in the Navy,  all those long years. Each nickle is  five prayers, each dime...ten prayers and so on...

You do remember that day in Chicago when Chris, your Mom and I visited you after Boot Camp? We were so proud of you, standing tall in that uniform. You picked up a penny on Michigan Avenue and told me that whenever you found one, you would think of us and say a prayer.  From that day on...I did the same.

Then one day, the pennies from Heaven stopped because you had returned home to us from the sea.

However, I never stopped praying for you.

These are those pennies, those coins... all prayers for you.

Dad ~

PS: They were all found at various places as I walked through my life."

The hand made wooden box was full of coins. Those prayers were the weight I felt. This is what he had done for me all of those years.

There was nothing I could say.

I held love in my hands tonight.

It came in a wooden box and was very heavy.

I will carry this weight in my heart and mind for a long time to come.

Just wanted to share.


Three Minutes

Ran across this short film/story and had to share. Will be posting later tonight about my birthday! Time to eat cake and watch a movie now. It is COLD...like -4 degrees cold. I need to move my tail back to Charleston, South Carolina! Brrrrrr...


Monday, January 10, 2011

Why Homosexuality Should Be Banned

Ran across Kayjen's video again today and thought I would repost it! Love him and his attitude. :)


PS: I am having a snow day today, so prolly will be throwing up a lot of random stuff as well as blogging later. Don't like it? Don't read it!

Are Women Human : New Blog to read!

This is a post from a new blog Are Women Human I ran across today by a girl  named Grace. I love her views and take on current events and each topic she addresses causes me to think and rethink what I actually believe about different things. Check her out...she rocks! (and not just because I agree with her)


Fred Phelps and conservative Christians: Not so different

December 24, 2010 by Grace

I recently watched The Education of Shelby Knox, a documentary about a high school girl of the same name from Lubbock, Texas, raised in a very Republican and conservative Southern Baptist family. (Definitely recommended, and it’s on Netflix instant watch.) The film tracks Knox’s unlikely evolution into a youth activist for comprehensive sex education in high schools and LGB rights. It was pretty interesting to watch another young woman work through some of the same questions that forced me to reconsider the beliefs I was raised with, and end up in more or less the same place (Knox is now a feminist organizer and blogger).

In one of the key moments in the film, Fred Phelps’ Westboro Baptist Church comes to Lubbock to “protest” student attempts to form a gay-straight alliance in the local high school. Out of the myriad hateful comments and signs there, I was particularly struck by a young woman smiling widely, carrying a sign with a picture of Matthew Shepard, whic read: “Matt: 5 years in hell.”

I’ve heard a lot of conservative Christians claim that Fred Phelps doesn’t speak for them, that they don’t agree with him, that his church preaches a God of hate, while “true” Christianity – their version of Christianity – preaches a God of “love.” And ok, there are some differences in belief, but these distinctions aren’t terribly impressive, unless one believes that cookies should be handed out for not yelling at people who are mourning their dead.

In it’s essence, what “mainstream” conservative Christians believe about LGB people is no different from what Fred Phelps believes about them. I don’t know (or at least, I don’t think I know) anyone from my old fundamentalist life who would walk around with a sign stating that a brutally murdered gay man is in hell, much less openly gloat about it. But apart from a very small handful of people, everyone I know from my former churches certainly believes that Matthew Shepard is in hell, along with anyone who died while living a “homosexual lifestyle.” The fact that they don’t walk around with signs declaring this doesn’t make their beliefs any less hateful.

I grew up around these folks. Many of the Christians I knew were willing to state openly their beliefs that homosexuality should be a capital crime, that LGB people are child molesters or rapists given the opportunity, or that AIDS was God’s punishment for homosexuality. This wasn’t so long ago. Not everyone I grew up around believed such things, and I think it’s probably the case that such beliefs are on the decline in fundamentalist evangelicalism. However, I have no doubt that many in these circles still think similar things today, in private (they’re homophobic, not clueless). These beliefs have never been explicitly retracted or condemned in any of the communities I was part of.

A few isolated people – even some relatively prominent ones – have “repented” of being ignorant and fearful of LGB people, of being deceitful in their representation of them, and have even admitted to sinning in how they responded to the emergence of AIDS. And many prominent evangelical pastors today are downright skittish when it comes to the once ubiquitous rhetoric of “perversion” and divine punishment, favoring instead phrases like “sexual confusion” and “struggling with same sex attraction,” and talking about how homosexuals need “compassion” and “truth spoken in love” from Christians. They’re kind enough to teach that it isn’t a sin to be attracted to members of the same sex – just so long as you remain celibate for life or pray away the gay.

Considering how explicitly violent and vindictive conservative Christian rhetoric on homosexuality was not ten years ago, these are pretty significant changes, happening at breakneck speed. But they shouldn’t be mistaken for changes in core beliefs or outlook. They’re adaptive changes, made in response to rapidly changing attitudes towards LGB people in “secular” society. Conservative Christianity is nothing if not flexible. Fifty years ago pastors in Al Mohler’s position today were railing against racial integration; a hundred years ago it was women getting the vote. Curiously enough, folks back then also believed that the supposedly inerrant Bible clearly supported their reactionary views. Nowadays they pretend as though they were always opposed to segregation and always cool with female suffrage, all while citing the same Bible to prop up their homophobia. They’re incredibly good at erasing and rewriting their sordid history, and covering up nasty realities with a respectable face.

The only difference between WBC and its conservative Christian detractors is that the Phelpses publicly and loudly proclaim their belief that all LGB people will burn in hell, while the rest of the religious right recognizes that it’s no longer socially acceptable to air such beliefs in public, or in polite company. Given the cover of anonymity, or the privacy afforded by spaces where they are surrounded by like-minded Christians, folks on the religious right are much more candid. I was reminded of this as I was browsing through Jesus Needs New PR’s year end review and came across this comment on a post about Oral Robert’s gay grandson:

I do not believe that GBLT people are going to Heaven, sorry. I am not going to go up to a homosexual and scream and yell in their face that they are wrong. Jesus repeatedly loved the sinner, but hated the sin. If we as a church could show love to the GLBT community, maybe they would give a thought to turning from their ways. If God destroyed Sodom for what they were doing, what makes you think homosexuality is ok?

Which is better, yelling and picketing with a message that God will condemn every LGB person to torture in hell for choosing to be our authentic selves, or holding that belief in private, while claiming that you and your God “love” LGB people in spite of who they are and whom they love? The latter is no more loving, no more rational. It’s cynical self-preservation, conforming to accepted social norms in order to maintain the appearance of respectability. So please, conservative Christians, stop insisting that you’re any less anti-gay than Fred Phelps. You’re not.

How to tell people they sound Racist...

I like how this guy comes at the issue and manages to stay on topic. He give some simple insight and tips on how to confront others about some of the ugly stuff we all encounter at different times, especially when dealing with older people.

Does Want...

I can has?

Oh, if you don't get it, go ahead and punch yourself in the face. Kthnxbai. :P

Friday, January 7, 2011

On the Fly!

This one will have to be quick, as I am due to head to work in just a few moments, but I had an interesting thought this morning, several of them actually, in that half awake place my brain is always at when I step into the sunshine that warms my shower on clear days.

The problems and frustrations that I am experiencing in my little life right now that pertain to church, God, relationships with others, materialism and sex have more to do with myself than the outside influences around me. There is a problem inside of me and I think it has its roots in pride and selfishness.

I have been living for me, while something inside of me knows, by instinct, that this is wrong or at least skewed.

Church and what they are teaching there is not the problem. My lack of prayer, daily Bible reading, dis-interest in fellowship with other believers, compromise in personal choices all add up to responsibilities that I have been shirking and then blaming others for the ultimate consequences and fall out. It is a childish position on my part and smacks of a victim mentality that I abhor in others.

Funny that. The very things that often bother us in other people are the very things that we can spot easily since the traces and clues of their existence lie with in our own selves.

I really do have to fly out the door to work now. I am showered, fed, coffeed (if that is a word) and at least got my game face on and my nutz emptied for a long double shift at the restaurant. I will continue with these thoughts later and hope to get back on the right track mentally and spiritually by my birthday, which is fast approaching.

While these observations are troubling to me, I am glad to have at least a point plotted on the chart of where I am versus where I would like to be. Not so much where I am, but who I am. I have much to think on today. As long as nothing amazing (read cute guy) crosses my path before these circumstances are rectified (as they were not prior to Michael) then possibly this year still has the chance of starting out on the right foot, after wasting soooo much time and money on myself this last year.

Okay...got to dash. Love you all and covet some prayers, if that is your thing.


Stuff on my mind besides Sex and Guys

I have been putting off posting for a few days, hoping that some kind of epiphany would happen and suddenly my thoughts would find themselves in a semblance of order that could be related here in some beautiful writing that would inspire others and make me look really good...but guys...it ain't happening. :)

There are times when a certain amount of clarity strikes me and the words unfold onto the page in a way that is pleasing to my eyes and inner voice, but all too often is the case that they are just mashed up in my head as I live them, like crumpled up papers next to the waste can that never quite made it over the rim. So I guess what I will do instead this evening is unfold a few of those wadded up cast offs and relate them here in some kind of odd list O' my life. Here we go!

1.  Family: The holidays are over, finally and life is returning to a somewhat normal pace. I spent some time tonight taking down my Christmas tree and packing away all the decorations and that was a bitter sweet moment as always. I truly love that time of the year, not just for the things we celebrate, but also for the moments spent with family and friends, sharing and exchanging each others time as gifts just as precious as those we carefully selected and wrapped. (or as in the case with my Dad's gift, I simply stapled it up in brown paper and smacked a bow on it, cause there was no way I could find a box for it! He still loved it, I could tell.) Packing away the ornaments lets me take a moment to reflect on this last Christmas as well as those past, so it is kind of a trip down memory lane I look forward to and also dread each time this year. My family is doing well, I am happy to report. Dad and Mom are still smashingly in love after over 45 years now. My brother, his wife and little girl were able to join us and spend more time than usual.(her crazy huge Italian family normally hogs up all the family time, though I love them all to death.) Bernice (my parents 97 year old neighbor) came over for dinner and presents and she sure is a part of our family. She watched us all grow up there since the 80's and now that all my grandparents are gone, she stands in their stead with her own special brand of love. My sister of course was there. We got to do a whirlwind shopping trip for a case of wine, a card for my brothers camera and some Glad containers on Christmas Eve, no less. It was nuts! I really don't get to see my siblings much now that we are older and have our own lives, but I do love them and enjoy the time we do get. When I was gone in the Navy, they all became really close and life kind of passed me by. I do not do much with them, as they do each other and there are times I envy them that bond, but that is the way it goes. They have been reaching out more, and if I was not so busy with my own stuff, maybe we would be closer? All the extended family is doing well. We are all blessed with great health this far and there is not much more I could ask for. I love them, they love me. It is as it should be. This is one of the HUGE things I am grateful for. A family that knows me and loves me in spite of myself...lol

2. Church: This isn't going so well. I guess my relationship with God falls under this heading too, but I will bunch it all together. In a nutshell, I am not growing at Church and me and God are not talking much lately. I am really frustrated and pissed off at Him for some things and I am finding more questions in life about spiritual stuff than I am answers. I know in this area I am also to blame as my life is my responsibility, but I am kind of fed up lately with 'christians' or 'church' or whatever you want to call it. God stuff. I am tired of the God stuff. Church seems fake to me. I do not understand/believe much of what is being peddled and I know I am nothing like I was when I first realized that I did have faith. I don't really know how to describe it all, but I am just dis-illusioned by it all. The people, the practices, the made up crap...all of it. I am going to be visiting a new church this Sunday at a friends recommend and I certainly hope I hear something worth listening to, besides some happy crappy fluff bit thrown together to fill time and tickle ears. I don't think I have grown much in the past few years and I want to see some changes in my life, but feel pretty damn powerless. So yeah, church, God...it is all crap right now, as if you couldn't tell from some of my posts lately?

Eh...I am getting tired now. I will come back later and either finish, or just start writing something else completely different. I want to hit the shower, climb naked into my bed, snuggle up under the covers, bury my head in the pillows and sleep...and that is exactly what I am going to do now. Good night!


Tuesday, January 4, 2011

The Night Watch

After dinner tonight, I slept hard and now have woke up to the wee hours of the morning. Wiling away this time reading, writing, listening to good music, chatting with friends from around the world as they pop online. I have missed the night time. With all the work and schedule changes, most nights find me sacked out till day break, or working away the minutes, wishing I was someone else, somewhere else. Round and round it goes it seems.

The last few days have found me to be a bit emotionally fragile, I think is how I described it to a friend. Something different I guess? Maybe it is from the holidays wringing me out, and all the added hours of work, lack of time to process and hang with friends from church. I am not really sure. I guess I am feeling a bit more about everything, if that makes any sense at all.

It is now almost 3 am and my mind is ticking. I originally wanted to write about class warfare tonight, but don't really have all my thoughts and ideas in order for that. It was prompted from an ongoing conversation and discussion some friends of mine have been having. People certainly do have strong opinions about money it seems. I will have to come back to that one.

I wonder sometimes, if dreams normally come at this time of the night, when I and most people are normally asleep, does this mean by staying up I am able to capture the creativity and spark of those moments while awake? I know that when I stay up all night to see the sunrise my mind moves differently. Like I understand more, am more real and visceral? Anyone ever feel like that?

Rambling I am sure, as usual, but it does feel good to get behind the keyboard and kind of unwind a bit. Missed church last Sunday since I partied too hard the night before and had to sleep in to reach an acceptable level of mind and body happy before work. Stupid choices I make at times, trying to please too many people. I feel obligated at times to show the flag, make the rounds, support my friends and all that, but at what cost?

Church lately has felt different. I miss Tim and Shane, my pastors. So many different people speaking, so many directions and somehow I feel like I am getting lost in the crowd again. I don't have Wednesday nights off for home group, so have missed them and now when I do get to church, it's not the same. People know me, sure. I have friends that care about me, but I find myself pulling further and further away from them. Putting a smile on my face, wiping away the tears and walking on out. Where are the connections going? What season of my life is this? Does anyone truly give a fuck?

I hear stuff there that sounds nice, but of what use is it in my life? Am I just going through the motions? If I were to never go back, who are the ones who would notice and what would they even do? Am I rooted and connected in that community as I once was, or am I slowly slipping away to somewhere, some when else? The winds of change are blowing it seems, in more than one area of my life.

Thinking lately about dating again. Have been asked out several times in the last few months, but really unsure about where my head and heart is in all of that. The guys are great. I have built some great friendships, but I just don't know if I have the time and energy to truly welcome someone into my life at the moment. I have never been one to just casually date around. If I am interested, that guy has my undivided attention till I know what is going on there. Guess I haven't felt that 'spark' with any of them yet, but I also don't think I have let myself think about it too much or feel anything either. It still has only been since September and I think some more healing, time and space is in order to be fair to myself and to them?

So yeah, I have work squared away. Enrolled in school for the fall. Planning trips for the spring and summer. Got the holidays out of the way. Anticipation seems to be one thing on my lips and in my heart...but also like I am waiting for something or some one to happen. Ever feel that way? I'll shut up now.


Monday, January 3, 2011

Field Guide 101

I ran across this little chart last night and had to share it. Just a handy reference guide in who the "real" enemies of God are...in case you have forgotten! :)

Saturday, January 1, 2011

Good Morning 2011!

Woke up this morning to a great song on the alarm clock, the coffee was brewing already, sun streaming in the window and ready to tackle this day and twist its nuts off! Look like a fantastic start to another amazing year in the life of Daemon. :)

Last evening was simple. Spent the day working (people sure were generous!)  and then hopped to a few house parties that friends were throwing and then was back home, tucked in bed, by the time 2 am rolled around. Going back into work today, so knew I needed my game face on and all my faculties intact. Plus, I didn't have the time to cook a guy a proper breakfast and have a good lie in, so what was the point really? At least I got several great kisses when the ball dropped and went home happy and safe. Happy New Year to meeeee!!!

What does this year look like for myself? Well...the first part will be spent working my little tail off, saving money and taking it easy when I can. I plan on doing some traveling in the Spring, pretty much coast to coast to visit friends and places that I miss dearly and also need to meet, then lake time all summer and then back to college again in the fall for the next chapter of this guys life. That is an easy way to look at it. Could all that change at a moments notice? Well...certainly! I am Daemon after all, master of the spontaneous! I wonder if I could fit in a trip to Europe in there somewhere? Only problem is...I might not come back for a few years or so. I dunno...

Couple things that I would like to see happen along the way this year? It may sound sentimental and sappy, but I do hope to grow more spiritually and nail some things down in my heart and head about my relationship to God and what that looks like for me to live out. I also would like to be able to spend more time with my family and friends before the next 4 years become a crazy whirlwind. Maybe this year, my brother and I will have the time to drive Route 66 finally and get that off my bucket list! Certainly would not mind falling in love, or at least meeting a guy that I can spend a significant amount of my life and time with. Love is always a good thing but also something I don't really go hunting for. It just kind of happens, I guess?

Otherwise things are in order and I have my shit squared away and in tip top shape. No real resolutions I guess except to keep doing the things I know to be right and maybe avoid more of the things that drag me down. I am just happy to be here for another year and a chance to share life and love with all the amazing people that make up my crazy, crazy life! Welcome to 2011, Blog Buddies! Can't wait to share it with you all.