Thursday, August 29, 2013

The Language of Love

Powerful, evocative and memory provoking.

I can't get over the brilliant messages that are tucked like jewels into this beautiful short film. Media like this gives guys permission (and a role model) to talk about their feelings ... whoever they're for.

There's a wonderfully blurry line between love and love. I hope you'll share this if you agree that it'll help make the world a better place.
I am looking for my lost voice. Once I find it again, I will share here. In the meantime, I offer this. Something that touched me today.

I hope you are well.


Wednesday, August 14, 2013

Different Pulses

The rut has been left.
It was time for a change.
So I did.
More to follow.
Enjoy this in the meantime.


Friday, August 2, 2013


I wish I had something great to say here, but tonight, I really don't feel like I do. Something still compels me to at least get some words our, even if only to make a little sense of all the thoughts, feelings and questions whirling around in my head.

Yes, life has been busy and I am realizing that I need to take a break from the manic pace I have been setting for myself. I completely get that mentally, but it still has not sunk in. Today I took a look at my benefits form and saw all the hours of accrued vacation from this past year and had a hopeful wish that I could use it but, to be honest, I am not sure what I would do even if I did just walk away for a while.

I had high hopes for this summer. Lots of different plans for little trips and getaways. Sometimes with friends possibly, and others only with myself. I never planned them besides the occasional wistful musing. I didn't get away and now today I find myself in August. Where does time go when life gets so busy? Am I somehow hiding in work and activity in an effort to quiet some of the things inside myself I am a scared to face? That is a complete possibility. I know I have withdrawn from life as much as I humanly can.

I cannot hide from myself.

This morning I woke up and as I went through my morning routine, a question came to me. I stopped shaving and I looked as deep into my own eyes as I could.

"What am I looking forward to?"

Followed immediately by,

"Why am I even here?"

That is all I have right now.

Those are two questions I would like to answer.


Tuesday, July 30, 2013


Hey, all. Life is crazy busy right now and I realized I haven't really written here for quite a while. I hope to sit down in the morning and update some stuff. Hope you are all well and enjoying your summer!


Monday, July 22, 2013

The Wizard of Ahhhs

I thought this was great. Enjoy!


This morning

"Your smile each morning has made my day all week. I am very attracted to the body you live in
and there is something about your presence that makes me want to know who you are when you're not just standing there waiting for me to make your omelette. The morning you wore your glasses down here instead of your contacts made me giggle inside and wonder what you look like when you wake up.  Hi, my name is Daemon. I'm the one who cooks your breakfast."

My brain and mouth locked up  completely and  none of those words came out. I just stood there politely and quietly and asked him what he would like this morning. I've been in crush for the past five days. He stands there impossibly cute and intriguing and I am just a chef with a pan in my hand doing my best to take him all in while studiously avoiding eye contact. Only real attraction ever leaves me at a loss for words. Lust is easy to speak or bark of. This is something else. How can he effect me so? If this was a movie, this is where happy energetic music would start then I would say something incredibly witty and the plot would start rolling. He would smile, throw back his head and laugh then I would invite him for coffee after I get off work. He would agree with a curious look and leave me his number...

This isn't a movie.

And so I cook his eggs. I wish him a nice day. I stare at the back of his neck as he eats his breakfast and plays with his phone. I ask Jen at the front desk what his name is. She tells me. I smile.

Worlds apart.

He's a member of the White House Advance Team staying at our property this week in preparation for the President's visit. From his conversation with peers,  his manner and dress, he appears to be a political science guy with great  and eclectic taste in clothing and a brain that would stun a crowd. He looks scruffy in his work out clothes on his day off. His running shoes had a hole in the left toe. Red shorts look incredibly hot on those legs and ass. I could get lost in those eyes and that smile makes me stop breathing. He will leave when the team goes on, back to whatever strange, interesting and exciting world he lives in and has made for himself. The mysterious guy close to the seat of power and information, with a beautiful wink and a smile. I know he is on our team too but I can't even seem to communicate that with my eyes. Three more days and he will be gone.

I'll still be a chef, standing here with a pan in my hand, cooking breakfast for another slowly waking traveler. I'll be wondering where he is. I'll be wishing about who he was. 

A guy can dream, right?


Thursday, July 18, 2013

Do your Job!

I run into these kids on a weekly basis while going about my daily life. I also have some friends who fit into this category, unfortunately. This humorous and blunt perspective makes me incredibly thankful for my parents, how they raised me and the fact that they had me get my first paying job when I was 14 years old. It also is funny as shit because it is true! DO YOUR JOB!


Thursday, July 11, 2013


It's entirely to easy to get fixated on some thing, a topic, an idea and then tend to let everything else in
our lives fade into the background without focus or attention. We all tend to do this to some extent. I believe it is in someway innate to human nature. Some times it may be completely healthy, for instance, when we use this high powered perception and focus to drive us to learn and educate ourselves about something previously unknown or not understood in our frame of reference or scope of experience. Each person, as they pursue their own education in life, tend to specialize in what ever they find themselves suited for, have an aptitude in, or interest about,  for many and all myriad different reasons. In other instances and circumstances, I think it can be unhealthy or at least not life giving in the long term.

I am all too familiar with fascination, fixation and scrutiny of different concepts to the exclusion of all others. My life has been rather a testament and temple to this type of behaviour. I cannot say that it has always been healthy. Perhaps the study and absorption with the topic at hand has not been ill intended in itself, but rather the the negative part is the exclusion of other things that hold, if not least the same import, possibly even more importance and urgency than whatever or whomever has captured my attention currently. (I am not good at communicating with brevity and clarity yet. My brain needs and editor)

In short, I feel that my personal education in this life, as best outlined and described by my personal talents, aptitudes and abilities, has been ill served by these last years of wandering and milling about seeing never quite farther than the tip of my own nose and  edge of my mind. While I am not defined by what has happened to me or the choices I have made in my past, in many ways, those circumstances, life events, choices and personal decisions have certainly helped shape and create the person that I am this day. I am not a person who lives with or tolerates regret in any fashion but even a cursory examination of my past shows me in detail other paths and choices that would have resulted in a rather far different present than the one I currently inhabit.

Call it a moment of clarity if you will, but considering the fact that I have yet to find anything in life that I cannot learn or do when I put my mind to the task (not that I find anything and everything interesting) I feel that there have been innumerable days and years wasted in the furthering of my own curiosity about ephemera and non-consequential ideas than have been applied diligently and brought to bear in wresting some type of meaning or contribution to myself and others. While I do not bemoan this fact, it certainly gives me a bit of pause.

For instance, the career and employment that I currently am working on is based purely on a whim. I was not surprised to find I have a natural skill and talent for cooking and culinary presentation, but never really in my life past did I give serious consideration towards becoming a Chef in my own right. Beyond idle speculation and cursory examination of the skills and education needed, I can't say it ever really crossed my mind. (I did look at some Culinary schools online, if that counts? In fact, I even visited one!) I do enjoy cooking and it is something that I spent time learning on my own (namely from books and practicing at home and on my friends and family) but it is not something that I picked intentionally for any plausible reason besides passing interest. While that may sound earth shattering or bewildering to some, I am okay with this fact, and am pretty sure that many people in this life find themselves in careers in a rather similar haphazard and random fashion. (Or maybe they don't and I am just crazy.)

In looking back at all the different fields I have worked in, from Submarine Navigation in the Navy to Investment Trading with Massachusetts Financial Service to Polymer and Pigmentation Chemistry with Valspar, I have yet to see any rhyme or reason to what I picked next. I simply saw something interesting, wondered if I could do it, found that I could and when I grew bored or idle with the inanity of it all (barring contracts of course) I simply went to the next thing that caught my interest and eye. I have never been one to be motivated by money either, though it always tends to follow success in its own fashion. If I was driven by the desire for accumulation and spending of money there is nothing in my life that would make any sense at all to the most liberal of accountants. That being said, I do not live with debt and have always been a saver. I spend when I choose and the saving and making is what makes that possible. People who love with and court debt still have yet to learn this. Maybe I benefited from having parents from a different era and style of life, but that is another blog post in and of itself. (Cliffs: Make money. Save money. Do not spend what you do not have. Do not spend other people's money. Profit.)

Some days, namely this moment, I find myself wondering what my life would look like presently if I had had some type of direction or sense of purpose from an early age besides wanting to see the whole of this earth and learn everything I could possibly get my mind around? What am I going to do next? What next whim or interest will take grasp of my and hold me enthralled till the next wind of interest and fancy grasps at my mind? What would it look like if I actually sat down and planned the next step? While that would be completely out of character with the manner in which I have lived to date, I wonder if I could, and if I did...what would that look like?

Surely I am not the only one who thinks like this on occasion. What next?

That is all for now. Once again, I am left with more questions than answers, but I am at least thankful for the questions. They are at least a starting point.


Sunday, July 7, 2013

Bert Haanstra - Glas

Glas: Glass Blowing Looks So Fantastically Fun

Bert Haanstra's Glas is a short 10-minute documentary from 1958 about glass that won an Oscar. It's a beautiful short that shows the art of glass blowing versus the character-less mechanism of automated glass bottle making machines. There's no voice over, no narration, just beautiful scenes of glass being made. It's like porn for manufacturing. Even while you don't understand what's going on, it's lovely to see.

Bill Millin:Piper at D-day in Normandy: June 6, 1944

Bill Millin

Bill Millin, piper at the D-Day landings, died on August 17th, aged 88 

ANY reasonable observer might have thought Bill Millin was unarmed as he jumped off the landing ramp at Sword Beach, in Normandy, on June 6th 1944. Unlike his colleagues, the pale 21-year-old held no rifle in his hands. Of course, in full Highland rig as he was, he had his trusty skean dhu, his little dirk, tucked in his right sock. But that was soon under three feet of water as he waded ashore, a weary soldier still smelling his own vomit from a night in a close boat on a choppy sea, and whose kilt in the freezing water was floating prettily round him like a ballerina's skirt.

But Mr Millin was not unarmed; far from it. He held his pipes, high over his head at first to keep them from the wet (for while whisky was said to be good for the bag, salt water wasn't), then cradled in his arms to play. And bagpipes, by long tradition, counted as instruments of war. An English judge had said so after the Scots' great defeat at Culloden in 1746; a piper was a fighter like the rest, and his music was his weapon. The whining skirl of the pipes had struck dread into the Germans on the Somme, who had called the kilted pipers “Ladies from Hell”. And it raised the hearts and minds of the home side, so much so that when Mr Millin played on June 5th, as the troops left for France past the Isle of Wight and he was standing on the bowsprit just about keeping his balance above the waves getting rougher, the wild cheers of the crowd drowned out the sound of his pipes even to himself.

His playing had been planned as part of the operation. On commando training near Fort William he had struck up a friendship with Lord Lovat, the officer in charge of the 1st Special Service Brigade. Not that they had much in common. Mr Millin was short, with a broad cheeky face, the son of a Glasgow policeman; his sharpest childhood memory was of being one of the “poor”, sleeping on deck, on the family's return in 1925 from Canada to Scotland. Lovat was tall, lanky, outrageously handsome and romantic, with a castle towering above the river at Beauly, near Inverness. He had asked Mr Millin to be his personal piper: not a feudal but a military arrangement. The War Office in London now forbade pipers to play in battle, but Mr Millin and Lord Lovat, as Scots, plotted rebellion. In this “greatest invasion in history”, Lovat wanted pipes to lead the way.

He was ordering now, as they waded up Sword Beach, in that drawly voice of his: “Give us a tune, piper.” Mr Millin thought him a mad bastard. The man beside him, on the point of jumping off, had taken a bullet in the face and gone under. But there was Lovat, strolling through fire quite calmly in his aristocratic way, allegedly wearing a monogrammed white pullover under his jacket and carrying an ancient Winchester rifle, so if he was mad Mr Millin thought he might as well be ridiculous too, and struck up “Hielan' Laddie”. Lovat approved it with a thumbs-up, and asked for “The Road to the Isles”. Mr Millin inquired, half-joking, whether he should walk up and down in the traditional way of pipers. “Oh, yes. That would be lovely.”

Three times therefore he walked up and down at the edge of the sea. He remembered the sand shaking under his feet from mortar fire and the dead bodies rolling in the surf, against his legs. For the rest of the day, whenever required, he played. He piped the advancing troops along the raised road by the Caen canal, seeing the flashes from the rifle of a sniper about 100 yards ahead, noticing only after a minute or so that everyone behind him had hit the deck in the dust. When Lovat had dispatched the sniper, he struck up again. He led the company down the main street of Bénouville playing “Blue Bonnets over the Border”, refusing to run when the commander of 6 Commando urged him to; pipers walked as they played.

He took them across two bridges, one (later renamed the Pegasus Bridge) ringing and banging as shrapnel hit the metal sides, one merely with railings which bullets whistled through: “the longest bridge I ever piped across.” Those two crossings marked their successful rendezvous with the troops who had preceded them. All the way, he learned later, German snipers had had him in their sights but, out of pity for this madman, had not fired. That was their story. Mr Millin himself knew he wasn't going to die. Piping was too enjoyable, as he had discovered in the Boys' Brigade band and all through his short army career. And piping protected him.

The Nut-Brown Maiden

The pipes themselves were less lucky, injured by shrapnel as he dived into a ditch. He could still play them, but four days later they took a direct hit on the chanter and the drone when he had laid them down in the grass, and that was that. The last tune they had piped on D-Day was “The Nut-Brown Maiden”, played for a small red-haired French girl who, with her folks cowering behind her, had asked him for music as he passed their farm.

He gave the pipes later to the museum at the Pegasus Bridge, which he often revisited, and sometimes piped across, during his long and quiet post-war career as a mental nurse at Dawlish in Devon. On one such visit, in full Highland rig with his pipes in his arms, he was approached by a smartly dressed woman of a certain age, with faded red hair, who planted a joyous kiss of remembrance on his cheek.

The Economist

This is what he piped.

This last clip features interviews with Bill and his Commander during his lifetime as well as his funeral.



Saturday, July 6, 2013

72 Killed during Gun Confiscation in Boston


National guard units seeking to confiscate a cache of recently banned assault weapons were ambushed on April 19th by elements of a para-military extremist faction. Military and law enforcement sources estimate that 72 were killed and more than 200 injured before government forces were compelled to withdraw.

Speaking after the clash, Massachusetts Governor Thomas Gage declared that the extremist faction, which was made up of local citizens, has links to the radical right-wing tax protest movement. Gage blamed the extremists for recent incidents of vandalism directed against internal revenue offices. The governor, who described the group's organizers as "criminals," issued an executive order authorizing the summary arrest of any individual who has interfered with the government's efforts to secure law and order. The military raid on the extremist arsenal followed wide-spread refusal by the local citizenry to turn over recently outlawed assault weapons.

Gage issued a ban on military-style assault weapons and ammunition earlier in the week. This decision followed a meeting in early this month between government and military leaders at which the governor authorized the forcible confiscation of illegal arms.

One government official, speaking on condition of anonymity, pointed out that "none of these people would have been killed had the extremists obeyed the law and turned over their weapons voluntarily." Government troops initially succeeded in confiscating a large supply of outlawed weapons and ammunition. However, troops attempting to seize arms and ammunition in Lexington met with resistance from heavily-armed extremists who had been tipped off regarding the government's plans. During a tense standoff in Lexington 's town park, National Guard Colonel Francis Smith, commander of the government operation, ordered the armed group to surrender and return to their homes. The impasse was broken by a single shot, which was reportedly fired by one of the right-wing extremists. Eight civilians were killed in the ensuing exchange.

Ironically, the local citizenry blamed government forces rather than the extremists for the civilian deaths. Before order could be restored, armed citizens from surrounding areas had descended upon the guard units. Colonel Smith, finding his forces overmatched by the armed mob, ordered a retreat.

Governor Gage has called upon citizens to support the state/national joint task force in its effort to restore law and order. The governor also demanded the surrender of those responsible for planning and leading the attack against the government troops. Samuel Adams, Paul Revere, and John Hancock, who have been identified as "ringleaders" of the extremist faction, remain at large.

And this, how the American Revolution began.

April 19, 1775

Friday, July 5, 2013


So I am finally writing again. I figured while I was doing some laundry this morning I could jot down
some words and bring this space up to date on my current happenings. I slept in a bit today as I was a bit worn out from all the parties and celebrations yesterday and am currently catching up on a few things around the house before my I start my day properly.

I managed to get the holiday and today off and for that I am incredibly thankful. Unfortunately, my Mom had other ideas for today and called me to let me know that I had been volunteered to head over to my sister's house to do all her yard work before she gets back from Peru. This is NOT what I had in mind today at all and after jumping through some mental hoops regarding familial manipulation, the cost benefit analysis to me and the logic behind why it DID make sense for me to do this, I finally relented. All of that last bit was in my head at least, so I still manage to look like the loving and helpful older brother. (aside: I really still cannot figure out why this responsibility is mine. She has a boy in her neighborhood that mows the yard each week. Why couldn't HE trim all the hedges and manicure the landscaping?) There is nothing quite like an old fashioned guilt trip from Mom to get me motivated. I realize that I am being a bit petulant and selfish about this whole circumstance but it does get old to always be the one giving to others for absolutely nothing in return. /rant

Yesterday was a smashing success. In light of today's scheduled events, I am rather happy that I managed to pack so much fun into one 24 hour period. I got up early, washed and waxed my car, took a long drive around the lake and out in the country and then started dropping in on the different pool parties and BBQ's that I had been invited to. In short, I had a blast. I met a lot of new people, caught up with old friends that I had not seen in quite some time and managed to get some grill time in with some great people. All told, I went to two pool parties and two BBQ's and then a huge group of us went out to Riverfest to watch the fireworks and listen to some live music. A great day indeed. I need to have more days like that or at least remember to start requesting off a few days from work when I have the opportunity to get together with friends. I also managed to pick up quite a bit of sun, thankfully no sunburn to speak of, and got MORE than my share of eye candy. It felt good to be flirting again. I didn't realize that was something that could be missed. Well done Kansas and Missouri! This current crop of gay guys you have produced is one fantastic array of male specimens.

Has my washer always been this slow? I have a load of linen and towels in there and it seems to be taking forever! I really want to get all this done before I head out to my sister's house.

So that wraps up what I did for my holiday weekend  of sorts, but how am I really doing in life? Hmmm...that is not so easy a question to answer. I am still throwing myself into work. There have been a lot of changes in the last few weeks there, namely personnel and management restructuring that has had little effect on my day to day operations. I pretty much work, run errands and come home each day and have been carrying on with the necessities that make my life work for me. There have been some highs and lows, as can be expected and I still feel that I am in some type of transitional phase in life right now. Toward what or in what exact direction internally still remains to be seen.

It does feel good to write something here. The last few weeks I have been more internally focused. New music, reading some amazing books and generally keeping to myself. We have had some amazing weather and I guess I am just over here living. I still have so many questions that are unanswered but I am learning to become content with living in that state of tension, if you will. I get one day at a time, like we all do, and no amount of straining or wishing is going to allow me to see my own future. I will be what I am now becoming. I hope you all are well and thanks for stopping by to read my junk here. I wish it was more exciting but it is what it is. Have a better day!


Wednesday, July 3, 2013

Remembering Pride

I realize I haven't said much here lately. I'm working on it. In the meantime, smile and remember with me some of the moments we have all shared either personally or vicariously.

To all of you still scared and hiding for any myriad of reasons, "It does get better. Hold fast."


Tuesday, June 25, 2013

Bill and John : More Than Ever

Friends, stories like this are the reason we should all be fighting for everyone’s right to marry whomever they love.


Sunday, June 16, 2013

Play back

Without meaning to, I found myself lost in music this evening for several hours and took a long musical
journey all the way back to times I had forgotten, back to a place where I was a different me. I sat down at my piano and just started to play. I guess somewhere along the way I got lost.

One song led to another and with each finished chord and note my mind would grasp out and remember some forgotten song that I had learned along the way and the time and years flew by. It is strange how melody and music captures time and space for me. Some of these songs and tunes I literally had not played since high school and before and with each recalled note I found myself taking new steps in memory. Faces and places just seemed to drift across the back drop of my closed eyes, and while my chops and fingers aren't quite as crisp as they once were, I really was transported back to spaces in my mind and heart that have been untouched for oh, so many years.

I am not ashamed to admit that I cried. I wept. The tears came and went. Sometimes the music was loud, furious and passionate as I struggled to recall the classical pieces that I sweated and worked over back when I was a boy. Other moments were quiet, sweet and serene as my soul mused over a forgotten love or distant place I once saw or lived in. So many faces. Such different scenery of the heart. Somewhere in the moment of it all, I started singing. While half aware that on a Sunday night that the neighbors were all out in yards, on decks and patios and enjoying the beautiful weather, after a while I was simply lost in the music. I didn't care what they heard.  I didn't care that they heard. While I have rarely been able to play or sing for others in my life, this night I sang for me. I sang for all of them in my past. I sang and poured out my heart for all those years gone by. The kid that I was. The boy I became. The gangly adolescent who didn't quite ever fit in. The student. The sailor. The man. Even now, I still am a bit overwhelmed and am simply hoping to capture something here that seems to be slipping away from me. I

But I know where to find it.

It lives in my piano. It resides in my voice. All of that life and love is in my heart. It was never gone. It was merely left idle. Frozen in time by music just waiting to be released by my fingers and raw emotion. How strange to have let this gift gather dust for so long? Such a way to pour out that deep pool that so often lies silent and still.


It felt good.


Wednesday, June 12, 2013


Today is not a good day. Normally I come here with hope and expectation, sharing my latest adventures
and describing what is going on in my life. I am not used to bad days. In fact, I am not used to feeling upset and out of sorts at all. Maybe it is part of the curse of my nature, but regardless of circumstances, I usually remain positive, lighthearted and attempt to find the good in each and every situation.

This day, I just cannot muster the energy to put a smile on my face and recapture the spring that is normally in my step. I am down and I feel blue. I feel strange and vaguely guilty for even sharing that much. I don't feel well and while today is a beautiful day, I just can't seem to get out of this slump.

What is bothering me, someone might ask? I guess someone would ask if there was anyone around to ask me that, but I find myself alone. I am alone a lot. Besides work and occasionally seeing my family, I  am usually by myself. I would have never cast myself as a loner, but it seems that as years have gone by, the close people who were intrinsically involved in my daily life have moved along. I really did not notice their passing until I found myself here. I am not even sure if I took the time to say goodbye. All that I know is that I looked up today and needed desperately someone to talk to and there was just me in mirror.

My phone is full of the numbers of people that I never call and that never call me. I don't even know why I have their numbers. I guess at one point they did call me but somewhere along the way, I got lost. I think I have wandered away so far this time, that people have forgotten that I was there in the first place. Even if I were to call these people, what would I tell them? The connections that we once had have unraveled and faded, and to be honest, who wants a random phone call from a person that you used to know who is now lonely and upset about so many things that he cannot control?

I feel strange. I have all day. Maybe I have for a long time and have used busyness and work as a shield and cover to take the edge off all the empty that I feel. My 'give a damn' is busted and I don't even know where to find a new one, much less any parts to fix the broken one that I have. Is this what sadness feels like? I never really imagined that depression was an actual real phenomenon, but today it no longer seems like a unknown and distant reality. I just am not happy, not with me, not with anything. I realize my perspective is flawed and I probably am experiencing some form of tunnel vision while in this mental fugue, but it is how I feel now.

If I put things down on paper, the reality that I experience daily does not seem that dark or bad. I am sure that there are hundreds, if not thousands, of other people who would love to trade lives with me. Not even that thought bounces me back up. All I can see is what I do not like. I most assuredly do not like this feeling. I wonder when it will go away? I am not even really sure why it is here. I make mistakes. I learn from them. I move on. Some I keep making over and over again. I am not learning anything except that life hurts sometimes. Badly.

That is all that comes to mind at the moment. I am having a blue day. My stomach feels like it is in knots, my whole body aches and my mind keeps whirling down, up and around on the same thoughts, fears and questions in a repetitive loop. I would just go take a nap and hope to feel better when I got up but somehow I have to plaster a smile on my face, polish up and enjoy dinner with my family tonight for my Dad's birthday. My Mom will know something is up. Mom's always know. It's like there is something in my eyes she can read like a Post-It note.

Everything is going to be okay. It always is. It always has been. So why do I feel so fucking miserable?


Wednesday, June 5, 2013


Hello Constant Reader,

There have been many times in this past month where I have paused to sit down and share here the thoughts and musings of my mind, but at each happenstance and moment, some circumstance, situation or idle quirk would draw my mind away to another place and leave this space blank. This could have been easily rectified if I would have but carved out some space and time to truly work things out in my head, but life, in its own fickleness, has a way of passing us by.

So tonight, here I sit with some time on my hands. The day has been cool and gray with a magnificent thunderstorm this afternoon that I napped my way through after work. I did not realize how tired I had become but after waking up five hours later, I felt much refreshed. Can I still call a sleep that long a nap? I guess since it occurred in the afternoon, it still qualifies for such a moniker.

With the weather as my inspiration, I decided this evening to do some baking after dinner. My meal was a simple affair of Pasta with Italian Sausage and a Garlic and Olive oil based Marinara Sauce, some fresh steamed Broccoli de Rapa and a light green Salad. Sometimes the more simple repasts are the most enjoyable. After browsing through many recipes I decided on an Apple Cake. My little sister, before she left for Peru this week, had given me a bag of fresh apples and I thought with this weather something including apples, cinnamon, walnuts and butter would be a great treat, plus would make the house smell incredible and homey.

So what have I been up to besides living and work? That really isn't an easy question to answer. I could list the activities that have filled my time, but that would only give you a rough schedule of events that wouldn't even scratch the surface of the journey my heart and head has been on since I last sat here and truly penned my days. I know that I am growing, but in what direction and in what spaces, I still have yet to see. The changes I have sensed and alluded to in the past are slowly coming to fruition, but this seems like such a slow process, at least to me, a person rather interested in seeing results quickly. Life's timetable moves of its own accord and I am having to content myself with the wait. I think that possibly, it is in this waiting is where the growing happens.

Spring is here and Summer will soon be upon us. For many and diverse reasons these are the favorites of my temporal seasons. I find myself in the part of the years where smiles find me easiest but I am still plagued by a restlessness that there is either something that I am missing, or something more that I should be pursuing. It is almost as if the anticipation of this time has greatly exceeded the reality of living in it or it is completely possible that I am missing something entirely. It is too early to quite tell. I am content now with the beautiful weather and seeing new things come to life all around me. Perhaps I am just to wait quietly, keep my head and eyes up and watch. I know nothing in my life that I have attempted to force to happen has ever resulted in something worthwhile.

I wish there were copious insights and profound lessons that I could share about the time that has past lately, but in truth, my life is simple. I don't have any complex problems that I am wrestling with. My inclusion of others in my days do not create drama, strife or conflict that would generate anything of note. I much prefer it that way, but I do long for some excitement, something to stir me up and prompt something new. Maybe that is not the season I am in currently? This is not the winter of my discontent, but rather the spring of my quiet happiness. Who knows?

For now, I work each day. I read new books. I play outside in the sun and the rain. I work in my gardens and yard. I spend time with family and friends when I choose to. I drive my car down curvy country roads and smile like an idiot to each song. I listen to good music and search for more. I play piano for myself. I sit and muse to myself over coffee in public. I see the sunrise and sunset each day. I am living. I hope that you are as well.


Monday, May 27, 2013


Executive Mansion,
Washington, Nov. 21, 1864.

Dear Madam,

I have been shown in the files of the War Department a statement of the Adjutant General of Massachusetts that you are the mother of five sons who have died gloriously on the field of battle. I feel how weak and fruitless must be any word of mine which should attempt to beguile you from the grief of a loss so overwhelming. But I cannot refrain from tendering you the consolation that may be found in the thanks of the Republic they died to save. I pray that our Heavenly Father may assuage the anguish of your bereavement, and leave you only the cherished memory of the loved and lost, and the solemn pride that must be yours to have laid so costly a sacrifice upon the altar of freedom.

Yours, very sincerely and respectfully,

A. Lincoln

Painful thought

To be honest, I would rather not be writing this post right now. The easiest thing would be to walk away from my computer here, go back to bed for a few hours, and pretend these thoughts and realizations never crossed my mind. I think that would be the coward's way out. I do not believe that my thoughts will flow smoothly here, nor do I think that these words will paint me in the most favorable light. So be it. Sometimes the truth hurts.

I woke up earlier than I expected this morning, made myself some coffee and took some time to set outside and allow myself to wake up while contemplating my day. After a series of complicated thoughts and reflections that I will not bore you with, I understood something about myself that is still stuck in my head.

I am a selfish person and I do not love other people as I should.

While that sentence may have been easy to type out, it certainly isn't something simple or comfortable to confess to myself, much less the world at large. In fact, as I did so, I began making all types of excuses and justifications for why it was not and could not be true. Then my mind started comparing myself to other people, thinking about some of the choices I have made, and started reasoning away why I simply must be mistaken.

It still remains true.

Now this isn't going to be some maudlin assemblage of words where I castigate myself and drag out every last detail in order to gain some satisfaction out of my misery or despondency about accepting this fact. In all reality, I am sure the true weight and meaning of it has yet to hit me. I know how my brain works and it is entirely possible that I will have talked myself out of this idea in a few short hours, but while it is fresh, I wanted to get it down in writing, if only to reflect on this head and heart space at a later time.

It is never enjoyable or easy when you find yourself falling short of your own expectations for yourself. I am sure to other people looking into my life, this seems like it could not possibly be the reality with which I live my existence. They would be wrong. In point of fact, almost every single decision and course of action I take each day is weighed heavily in favor of what I want, how it benefits me and an intricate cost benefit analysis that has become second instantaneous nature that boils down to, "What is in this for me?" I rarely, if ever, do something altruistically only and solely for the benefit of another person. That may sound caustic in self examination, but it is true. I am a selfish person.

These choices and manner of life hinge directly on the second part of that bolded statement. "I do not love other people as I should". I think I do love a few people in this life. I know that I have been in love. I love my family and some of my friends, but actually, I think I might only rather like them for who they are and what they have done and do for me. I do not love them for who they are and nothing else. I do not place value on them simply for their existence and I can honestly say, I do not live my life and choose my words in such a way that respects them in the manner in which they should be. It would be a much easier list to compile if I were to start listing all the people, groups, activities and ideas that I do NOT love. I could come up with a hate list really quickly and I fear it would be quite extensive.

I can couch these likes and dislikes in whatever fluffy language would make me feel better, but it still wouldn't make the truth of them any less real. We find all kinds of creative justifications for why we do and say what we do. Often times, I am really good at lying to myself about motivation or buying into the group accepted story of why things are, but I still cannot escape the fact that I am selfish and do not love people.

There is no massive conclusion to be found here yet. This isn't the paragraph where I vow to do better and pledge in some foolhardy fashion that I am going to change. You might ask me what my baseline for this assessment is and I can't quite put my finger on it. It is something inside of me that quickly looked at my life and found it wanting. I am not the best version of myself I know to be possible. I am not giving more than I am taking. I was made for more than this. Don't buy the marketing hype and fancy packaging with which I may present myself to the world with. I am as depraved, wanton and capable of all manner of things which we would find reprehensible. In short, I am not a good person. I may have done and do some good things. I can almost assure you my motivation for that was not good.

So that is where I am right now. I am in need of change and growth. I don't want to be selfish. I want to love other people. I want to be a better man.


Thursday, May 23, 2013

Om, nom, nom

Daniel Humm’s Ham and Egg Sandwich

Serves 4 (or two guys)

8 slices rye bread, 1/4 inch thick
1 pound sliced Consider Bardwell Farm Rupert cheese (an aged raw cow’s milk cheese made in the style of Gruyère)
1 pound thinly sliced smoked ham
1/2 cup butter, at room temperature
1 tablespoon canola oil
4 eggs

Preheat the oven to 350°F. Build each sandwich by starting with a piece of bread, followed by cheese, ham, and then more cheese. Using a 2 1/4-inch round cutter, punch a hole through the layers of ham and cheese and the bottom piece of bread; remove the circle of ham, cheese, and bread. Top with an unpunched slice of bread. Spread butter on both sides of the sandwiches. Heat the oil in a large cast-iron skillet over medium-low heat (use two skillets if necessary to hold all 4 sandwiches). Place the sandwiches, hole-side down, in the skillet, and reduce the heat to low. Cook until golden brown, 3 to 4 minutes. Flip the sandwiches and crack the eggs into the holes. Transfer the skillet to the oven and bake until the egg is cooked and the cheese is melted, 10 to 12 minutes.

Share and Devour.


Tuesday, May 21, 2013

Imagine a World...

...where Heterophobia existed.


A second day off

My body woke me up today at 3:00 am, my usual time, as if it had forgotten in some way, that today
was my second day off. I guess old habits die hard, if at all. I worked six days a week for so long that this pattern seems to be one that is sticking around for a while, so I decided to get up and begin my day.

Yesterday was a good day. I managed to sleep in until 8:00 am, after staying up till midnight, which considering my usual schedule, was incredibly late. I ran some errands early in the morning and then spent the rest of the day at home. I caught up on some reading, played piano for a while, took an afternoon nap and then spent the rest of the evening till sundown, working in the yard. I got the hedges trimmed, all the walkways edged, the flower beds and garden cleaned up and the yard mowed. It was with  a good sense of accomplishment that I watched the sun go down and then promptly went to bed. But then, now that I think about it, most people, self included, do not read personal blogs in order to simply find a recounting of ones day. There is sometimes an expectation or urgency with which we look outward and for others, hoping to find that someone, anyone out there has had a common experience, or a new revelation similar to ours, that can make us feel less lonely in this amazingly huge and vast world we call life.

All kinds of thoughts swirled through my mind as I sat here to write. The question of, "Who am I?" came to mind but was quickly discarded when I pondered how enormous that question was to answer. Then my mind rambled over all the different people I have been in life. Not that I have ever been anyone different than me, but rather, all the different chapters, places, uniforms, obligations, responsibilities and labels I have worn on this journey so far. I also set that aside, as it would take numerous posts to answer. Another question that has been on my mind lately is, "What am I doing here?" and "How did we get here?". Taken either literally or metaphorically, these too are also immense questions with deep and profound implications. I am not quite sure if I am up to the task of ruminating over those in a public forum, at least not this early in the morning.

The thing is, I do have answers, for all of those questions and all the many more that drop through my mind as I sit here slowly stretching and starting up my mind. I do know who I am. I also know everyone I have been up to this very moment. I know my labels and my history. I was there. As far as for what I am doing here, I may not have some penultimate answer that spans the broad scheme of my entire life thus far,but I have a rather good grasp on what I have done and what I am trying to accomplish. As far as how we got here, I am really not worried about that one. Sure, I wonder at all the explanations and ideas offered by others as truth at different thinking times, but considering the fact that we are here, I find its endless speculation rather moot. We ARE we best get along with it then, shall we?

I guess one question I cannot answer in any real certain fashion, besides the notable exception of friends, blog buddies and known faces that read here is, "Who are you?" Who are you different souls, you passersby of whim, the myriad of different people that happen along by here at different times? What are you looking for? What answers are you seeking? What about the words I have shared here at odd times has compelled you to return again? What about the single lone individuals who may have just dropped by once in a great while? Where are you and what does this all mean to you? It looks to me as if this is more than just the one question of, "Who are you?" I am okay without that answer. I will be fine without knowing the answer to all of them. There is no possible way to grasp and comprehend all of the endless stream of humanity that might stumble across this little space where I share my mind and words. But one thought remains...

For those of you I DO know, I am grateful. I have made some amazing friends and shared time, space and thoughts, battled questions and slew dragons over endless discussions of whatever I was rambling on about at the time, all because I simply started to share. Those of you I have met, or exchanged comments with, or read through your book of days, or all the varied ways we communicate in this day and age have added richness, depth and tone to my life. I am glad and thankful to you all.

Thanks for stopping by. Keep on reading if you like. Know that it all matters. See ya around soon. :)


Monday, May 20, 2013

Goodbye, Zach

Goodbye, Zach. Thank you for sharing so much with so many. May you rest in Peace.


Saturday, May 11, 2013

End of my day

This picture  of a guy pissing against a rock wall I ran across today was so comical, authentic and
interesting I had to share it. It has nothing to do with this smattering of words I will throw up here. I did get a kick out of it. :)

So it is 6:14 in the evening and I just got off work after a 12 hour day. Needless to say, I am a bit worn out but in rather good spirits. I dropped the top right after walking outside and took the very long way home, Listened to some music, enjoyed the country side, found some great curvy roads, watched the sun hit the lake and then came home.

Tomorrow is Mother's Day! It is the busiest day in the restaurant and hospitality industry and for good reason. Everyone takes their Mom out to eat to celebrate her and give her a holiday off from cooking, which is fantastic! It simply causes quite the logistical problem in every single dining establishment in the country. We are prepped five ways to Sunday and I am ready (knock on wood) for the whirlwind. I will get into my kitchen at 4:00 am, feed the hotel guests their breakfast and then rush down to the Conference Center and go nuts cooking for over 750 people who will be bringing Mom in for our fantastic Mother's Day brunch. Part of the fun is manning the ten burner omelet station and getting a chance to personally talk to, meet and serve many of our guests. It is a lot of work to get ready for but also is incredibly rewarding. I get to see these families, speak to them about their day, make something custom and unique for each person and be a part of the special event that is all of them together.

In other news, my hands and arms are incredibly sore from prepping that many raw ingredients for my station. I literally sliced, diced, julienned, pared, minced and chopped for six hours after serving breakfast this morning. It was good to see the piles of produce, meats and cheeses finally find their way into their containers and on the cart in the walk in refrigerator when I left. I can always measure my progress and success with tangible results. That feels good.

I am just rambling now. My little sister just called and wants me to help a friend of hers with a cupcake business they just bought. I might consult a bit and help her with recipes and to find a kitchen she can rent, but I cannot get involved in another project this summer. My plate is full with my own concerns but I will help as I can. I love getting volunteered for stuff. (meh) She is taking off for Peru for the summer so we are still nailing down all the details for my parents wedding anniversary party in July. They just got their surprise invitation the other day and are excited. This year is really speeding up quick! Christmas will be here before we know it.

A couple of things I am planning now for myself are a solo camping trip, a group camping trip, a road trip out West somewhere maybe Colorado, a canoe trip and a driving trip down to the hills of Arkansas. I need to get away for a bit and reconnect with me and some of my friends with whom life has got in the way. Man, my fingers are tired.

Random thought: I don't remember so much of this stuff I write and post here. I guess that is what time does to us all. Some of it, quite literally, I feel like I am discovering for the first time. Weird that. Well, I am going to make me some dinner, watch the sunset, listen to some new music, catch up on my book reading and then crash early. Morning will be here before I know it and I'd like to beat my alarm clock to the buzzer and hit the ground running.

Tomorrow, I may write about my Mom. She is the most amazing women I have ever known and one of my dearest friends in this entire world. I love her more than I can express. Call your Mom. Tell her you love her. Make a point tomorrow to let her know, in even a small way, exactly how much you love her. Mom's are awesome. Freal.


Monday, May 6, 2013

Hello me

 I wonder what the world looks like to you? This question can be taken literally or also metaphorically, however you may wish. There is nothing really deep and profound in my mind at the moment but this question popped into my head. It sprang from a quiet settled place as I realized something that I was missing.

What is absent in my life is the craving, the desire, the burning quest for more. More of what, you may ask? More of anything. Sure, there are experiences, places, unmet people and a myriad of things I still hope and long for. I work each day to not only provide for my current needs but also to set aside resources for future times and plans. What I mean by missing the need for more is simply that I am content.

I woke up today relishing the possibility of a day off of work. I would love to have a traditional weekend of two days free from obligation and did get to enjoy that for a month or so, but I am thankful for even this one day. I took a shower, shaved closely and dressed comfortably for a day of leisure and I did miss the body I once had and took for granted at eighteen years old. It didn't tire quite as easy, have the odd aches and pains that accompany time and use or look quite as normal as this one does but I like who I am and what I look like. I could put more effort and thought into getting into even better shape, but the desire to enjoy my time and other things often over rides the drive I used to have to devote hours to swimming, running and lifting. I wouldn't call this complacency or apathy, but realistically, we all change as we grow older. This is what I live in and it pretty much fits the mind's eye view of who I am. I've also learned that broad shoulders, a deep chest and long limbs hides well a multitude of languidness.

There were times in my past when every waking moment was spent looking, searching, questing, working and worrying over the "what next". My curiosity about this world, the people in it and the search for more information, truth and experience has never waned, but rather it has been balanced by the fact and idea that who I am, what I have, what I am doing and where I am at, is a good thing. When I wake up on a day off and realize there is nothing that I need to purchase, no person I must see, no experience I crave, no place I must get my body to, in order to be happy then I think I have found something truly precious. (though I did walk to the store to get some milk for my coffee, because while I do not need it, I really like it)

This is who I am. This is where I am at. This is what I have. I am who I have become.

And I am rather thrilled about that. :)


Thursday, May 2, 2013

Nothing gay here...

I came across this J.C. Leyendecker'esque illustration today and smiled quietly to myself. I do realize that this scene comes from a more simple and possibly innocent time in American marketing history, but really?

I know I always model my swell new underwear while showing my best friend my keen badminton racket in the living room. I wonder what this conversation sounded like? Pictures always tell a story. What does this one say to you?

On subject, but at a tangent. Check out J.C. Leyendecker's illustrative work if you like. His own personal life and style certainly influenced the images he produced and sold to the American public. I have always been an admirer of his work and subject matter. He has a pretty neat story. That is all for now.


Wednesday, May 1, 2013


This has to be sweetest thing I have seen in a long while. And yes, it made me cry like a little girl. I love love.


Monday, April 29, 2013


Getting outside

The birds outside my window this morning sound like they have been binging on freshly picked Guatemalan coffee beans. While I got to bed a bit later than usual last evening, I still find myself awakened by my body's natural rhythm long before sunrise. I do love early mornings, especially those unhampered by the traditional schedule of work and obligation. The moon was still shining brightly as I took out the trash, collected my newspaper and took a moments pause to stretch and enjoy the slowly lightening deep blue sky. When I stretched, I felt my back pop and crackle comfortably after a good nights sleep and I knew deep down inside that today was going to be a great day.

My coffee is made and I am working leisurely on my second cup. My thoughts have turned towards how to fill this day and a simple to do list has come to mind of things that I will enjoy. The weather forecast looks to be amazing, slight South Westerly breezes, fair skies, plenty of sunshine and a high of 80 degrees. Absolutely fantastic!

Today's plan of the day will include: Watch the sunrise. Wash my car. Put the top down and take a long drive around the lake. Sit on the dock and read in the sunshine. Have a breakfast picnic. Fly my kite. Write in journal. Take some pictures. Have lunch with my friends. Relax at Broadway Cafe. Take a walk in the city. Mow my yard and clean out the remaining flower beds. Eat dinner. Watch the sunset. Go to bed. In short, I plan to spend the entire day out of doors.

There is not much more on my mind but that, at the moment. My life is simple. I wouldn't have it any other way. :)


Tuesday, April 23, 2013

A sitting spell

 A cold and wet industrious day of tasks. A quiet, simple song for this evening to unwind to. I wonder where all the wandering angels will sleep tonight. Daydreaming and musing of another time and place. Maybe this is how nostalgia sets in, like a quiet, creeping fog that drifts in from years past. There still is a warmth deep inside that keeps the fire of remembered hope alive, a hot buried ember of mind pictures, brilliant sharding sunlight and tumbling smile faces that swirl like a carousel in my heart.

Melancholy, where have you been, my sometimes two times friend? Let's walk and talk for a while. My ears have been missing your footsteps and that soft, leathered grip of your familiar hand. Under the shroud of street lights and near quieted lanes let the whispered wind curl at the nape of our necks while we look and nod solemnly at each other with slow understanding. Those circles are a bit deeper under your eyes these days. That haunted look is fading now, like a winter bruise, but I can still see the glimmer of a solitary flame that looks aft miles away then flickers. You sure don't come around these parts much day when. I hope wherever you live most times you find yourself as welcome as here.

Spring is coming soon,  Ol' Mel. Don't get you too far. I will have need of thee.


Monday, April 22, 2013


“Untitled” 2013

Collaboration between Kyle Thompson Photography and Nicholas Scarpinato, in an effort to combine two common themes in our work.

Goodbye and Hello!

Two days off of work and I am about to head off on a road trip to Iowa on the continuing hunt for my next car. I have looked at over 15 different cars in this past month and am really hoping that this one is THE ONE. I could bore you will all the details, specs and information about it, but I will save you the headache and confusion it would cause. Suffice it to say, it is another classic Miata, low miles, one owner and looks to be in perfect shape. This one is  Classic Red, just like my first one, but with a tan top and leather interior. It really is a combination of my last two Miatas with the red exterior of the first but the tan interior of my British Racing Green one that I lost to a wreck, almost exactly one month ago to the day.

It is hard to define why I love these little old cars so much except that they are the best driving experience I have had and are an asset to my life in so many ways. I sometimes get shit from people about driving a little "gay" car or a "girls" car, but that just lets me know they have never dropped the top on one, strapped themselves in and tackled some serious back wood hills curves on a spirited drive. I drove Mustangs for years (kept my first one), switched to Wranglers for a while and then fell in love with these little driving machines. They are the best thing to a legal go kart on the street and somehow they just fit me. I am glad that is the case because you practically wear them! :)

The sun is out, It looks to be a beautiful Spring day and I am excited to be taking a road trip to possibly add my next kid to my collection of cars. I figured I would post a couple pictures of my last two in homage and memory of the wonderful miles of smiles they brought me. They both will be sorely missed but I will never regret the amazing times and drives we had.

Wherever you may be, Happy Monday! I've got my lucky boxer briefs, jeans, t-shirt, flannel, hat and Pumas on today. I hope to be back later with great news!


Thursday, April 18, 2013


Life is beautiful and amazing.

People miss this every day. I forget it moment by moment it seems.

 In the most still of times, captured in all of the fantastic beauty of nature around us, encompassed in the existence of life itself, surrounded by stirring and beautiful music or just in the quiet silence of it all that finds us, never ever forget this.

So rich, abundant, precious and fleeting this human experience is.

We have this one life.

Stop and look around. Listen, smell, taste and feel. We are all so very blessed.

I wish I had the eloquent words to impart what I see and feel in this moment. This is the most simple of entries, using humble and quiet words, but I mean every single thought.

Start living.

Hug the sky.


Wednesday, April 17, 2013

This is what Hope sounds like.

MPs and people watching in the gallery of New Zealand's parliament broke into spontaneous song on Wednesday, following the passage of historic gay marriage legislation.

New Zealand became the 13th nation in the world to legalise same-sex weddings after MPs voted 77 to 44 in favour of the Marriage (Definition of Marriage) Amendment Bill.

After the vote count was announced, the House of Representatives in Wellington was filled with the sound of the New Zealand love song "Pokarekare Ana" - in the indigenous Maori language.

As the parliamentary debate wound up, Louisa Wall, the sponsorer of the bill, told colleagues the change was "our road toward healing."

"In our society, the meaning of marriage is universal – it's a declaration of love and commitment to a special person," she said.

She added: "Nothing could make me more proud to be a New Zealander than passing this bill."

The singing legislators and members of public inside the parliament were joined by hundreds of jubilant gay-rights advocates who celebrated outside.

New Zealand legalised civil unions for gay couples in 2005. Under the law passed today same-sex couples will be allowed to adopt children for the first time.

New Zealand joins Argentina, Belgium, Canada, Denmark, Iceland, Netherlands, Norway, Portugal, Spain, South Africa, Sweden and Uruguay in having legalised gay marriage.

Last week the French Senate approved a Bill that brought same-sex marriage a significant step closer. In the UK gay marriage legislation is currently making its way through parliament.

'Pokarekare Ana' Lyrics

The waves are breaking, against the shores of Waiapu, My heart is aching, for your return my love.

Oh my beloved, come back to me, my heart is breaking for of love for you.

I have written you a letter, and enclosed with it my ring, If your people should see it, then the trouble will begin.

Oh girl, come back to me, my heart is breaking for of love for you.

My poor pen is broken, my paper is spent, But my love for you endures, and remains forever more.

Oh my beloved, come back to me, my heart is breaking for of love for you.

The sun's hot sheen, won't scorch my love, Being kept evergreen, by the falling of my tears.

Oh girl, Come back to me, I could die of love for you.

I couldn't help but weep and smile when song broke out in the gallery and on the floor.

Someday, somehow may this hope be extended to all of us in this country in such a fashion. Unlock the doors! Well done, New Zealand. 

Bless them.


Citizen Filibuster: Sheer Genius

Patton Oswalt guest stars as another Pawnee crackpot who gets upset at Leslie's proposal to eliminate some of the more outdated/racist/sexist laws on the town charter. Taking advantage of the laws still on the books, he launches into a citizen filibuster discussing his proposal for the J.J. Abrams-directed "Star Wars" sequel, which somehow turns into a "Star Wars"/Marvel Comics mash-up halfway through.

Damn. :)


Rain song

Piano plays softly and poignantly in the background as a strong Spring storm moves in over the trees. Fog obscures the houses near and far and casts the even gray light into a soothing shroud.

I watch here and listen to them both play together. Tap, tap, tapping on the roof, sliding sinuously down the window panes and dot, dot, dotting the fresh dirt and growing newly green grass. Water flows by down the street and chuckles in the gutters. All is at peace and I simply sit.

And breathe.

Sometimes it is nice to simply stop.

To pause.

To watch.

To be.

And so I shall.


Monday, April 15, 2013

A Pause

I am going to step away and go play piano for a while. Enjoy this as you like.


For Fuck's Sake!

Good morning. I am pissed off and mad and that is probably not the best state to be in while writing,
but I have used my blog more than once to process and vent my frustrations and emotions so I see no reason to not continue to do so. I am not going to be able to articulate myself well but I will attempt to do my best.

You know what? Fuck it.

I am not going to waste any more of my words trying to explain again for the umpteenth time the lack of logic and reasoning exhibited by religious people. My frustration right now is with people of faith in the LGBT community who keep supporting theology and organizations that actively work against their humanity, equality and rights as a citizen of this country. Their beliefs and the education/indoctrination they have chosen to accept for varying reasons makes them an accomplice in the suppression, persecution, abuse and destruction of others like themselves.

"Uncle Tom" is not too strong of a word to use for their ilk. The friend of my enemy is my enemy.

To cut myself short and bring you up to speed on my mental and emotional state, feel free to read these articles.

Does Jesus Really Love Me : NY Times

Why Straddling the Fence on LGBT Issues Doesn’t Work: Andrew Marin’s Response to Dan Savage

Current conversation at the GCN Forum

I realize that all this noise and argument is a waste of my time and resources, but I cannot help but feel infuriated and saddened by people's responses. People who should know better.

Religion, at its very heart, is the greatest evil of humanity.

Time for some coffee and relaxing. I will come back later when I feel more myself.


PS: The Problem of Luke warm

This is a great article that was shared by DJ Free in the comments below. This so eloquently states some of the more subtle points that I lack the eloquence to express.

Saturday, April 13, 2013


As I sit here and think about my day, I realize I have gotten out of the habit of writing. There could be all kinds of different reasons for this but the fact remains I have lost touch with my inner voice. It is not that I narrate my days to myself but the times of pause and reflection that used to come so easily just have eluded being captured. I guess in some ways, for a season, my mind was a bit closed off to the idea of sharing my rumination with the world at large coupled with the fact that my life has been incredibly simple the first few months of this year.

Today was a busy day at work, but the pace of customers, training of new employees, the usual paperwork and other things required of me never reached a maddening frenetic pace. I have one more busy day this weekend to finish and then two whole days off are mine. I am rather looking forward to that, though with the bettering of the weather each day, I am solely missing having a convertible in the stable. Not to fret though, I have been scouring the five state region looking each day for the perfect car to play with. I have always been particular about what I choose to buy and invest in, but this time I can be honest and say I am down right picky. I guess as I get older, I am less willing to compromise when finding exactly what I want and like. Trying to replace a favorite car is near impossible so I am attempting to find my new favorite. Those words don't even quite describe it, as I have loved all my different cars but it will have to suffice. I can also cross BMW (Z3/Z4) and Porsche (Boxter) convertibles off the list right now, as the ones that I can afford simply are not up to my standards and those that I long for are WAY out of the budget! (BMW Z8 and Porsche 356 or 911) Not that I didn't enjoy the hell out of the test drives. *enormous grin)

I came home today from work, pulled into the driveway and on the way into the house, I think Spring might have bit me and hard! I looked over at my front plant and flower garden that spans the entryway, frames the fireplace and follows the sidewalk and and decided right NOW was the time to clean it out and make it look new. I literally did not get in the front door. Right then and there, with my chef clothes still on, I went out to my shed, got my gardening tools and made that space right. So many plants were coming up anew under the thick layer of leafy mulch I had spread last fall. The first corms of hostas were poking up. The hibiscus had already grown and was in bloom and all the little perennials were waking up in the new warmth and peeking above ground as they do. It felt so good to get my hands back in the dirt, carefully clean out around the plants, rearrange the decorative rocks, water and feed each plant in and enjoy the sunshine for an hour or so. I must have looked like a mad man in a white coat gardening but damn! Everything is coming back to life! Everything smells and looks so alive! Just breath it all in. Shut your eyes. Turn your face to the sun. Smile.

Spring is here. New life is returning. Soon the long days of warm and blue skies will be upon us. I can hardly wait! It feels good to be talking here again. Hope you all are well.


Sunday, April 7, 2013

Sunday Morn

Just grabbed a few moments to put a few thoughts down before I head to work this morning. Looks to
be a busy day. I have a full hotel to feed, two CMSU sports team with their own breakfasts and a wedding party to corral and feed during their gift unwrapping party. The to do list in my head is growing.

I long for the long, slow, quiet Sunday mornings I used to have. The puttering around in the mornings, watching the sun rise, slowly waking up, choosing some comfortable clothes for the day and then driving into the city to sit at my coffee shop and watch the world wake up around me. Sitting there, listening to music, sipping a Red Eye and talking to friends usually ended and started my week in a great fashion. I am not sure when those days will return.

So I sit here and drink my coffee in silence, planning my schedule of tasks and wondering when I will get to be back outside to enjoy this amazing Spring weather that has finally arrived. Everything changes with time, I realize. I sure do miss my little sports car on a day like this, but I know the next one is right around the corner. I have the money, now I just need to find the car. Hope you all are well. Happy Sunday!


Friday, April 5, 2013

So God made a Farmer?

If you happened to enjoy the "So God made a Farmer" commercial that played during the Superbowl this year, then I think you certainly will like this parody. Just a laugh for you all.


Monday, April 1, 2013


Along for the ride

It has been a while since I have read anything challenging. You know what I am talking about. Someone out there who puts thoughts and words on paper that just grab your eyeballs, yanks your neck towards to screen and pours like acid into your brain, all while generating questions, informing you and making you re-examine your own perception and fundamental acceptance of life as you know it.

I have to confess, it has been a while since I wrote anything here that I would find challenging to myself. I know that life has different seasons and rhythms, the patterns that we all fall into with our schedules, work and social activities have a way of lulling into a certain sort of mental complacency. While this at times might be comfortable and soothing, it is the times of self discovery, or the seeing of the "other" that can fracture that thin shell of normalcy and open our eyes and minds to something completely different or formerly unknown to us.

Something I realized at the moment, is that I am speaking on the collective tense while actually, to be more accurate and polite, I should relate these words and thoughts to myself individually. Perhaps you are all living on the scintillating edge of discovery each and every day and find your lives too full of new possibility to search out the unknown, confusing, mysterious and noisome spectacle that is occurring all around us at every single moment of our existence. I find that a bit improbable, but I can accept that possibility.

At times, it a movie that can grip us. A story told in words, pictures and music that moves us and make us rethink our world view, examine our own choices and imagine the possibility of circumstances, lives and concepts completely out the frame of our own limited experiences. For me, I find these mini-epiphanies movies, in books, while listening to new music, in nature out of doors while exploring or camping and in the daily activities that I turn to while not working or being engaged with people. I would say, by and large, that they are events that happen when I am by myself. Maybe in the silence that is created in the absence of others, a space is hollowed out to let me truly hear myself and authentically hear the "other".

My life is changing again. Somewhat more rapidly than I am comfortable with, but isn't that always the case? All growth brings with it some type of pain. While the largest event initially may seem to be the car wreck of last week, looking back over the last year has shown me that I am undergoing another sort of metamorphosis into the next chapters of my story. My priorities are changing. I can see my social groups becoming different as my interests move over the vast sea of choices that is available to us. The names, faces, phone numbers, activities and places I spend my time and effort and once again shifting. Over the course of my life, I have become used to this rising and falling of tides. I cannot begin to list here quickly all the different versions of me that have come and gone in different spaces and places. Looking back it all seems incredibly too much to have packed into my relatively short life thus far, but I would not change one day of it. All of those life experiences, relationships, discoveries, travels and endeavors have made me into the complex though simply motivated person that I am today. I think the largest difference that I notice these days is that I am no longer trying to hold onto my past and force today to be in some way similar to the ones that have past. A dear friend once put it best in an old worn post card that he mailed to me from another coast and ocean in this world. He wrote,"Be as a hollow reed on the shore of that just tossed upon pond and let your life flow through you, like the wind."

I am slowly beginning to understand what he meant on that day, so long ago. I still have that postcard. I still have everything ever written to me.

These are all just rumination and thoughts in my head at the moment while I listen to some beautiful music as the sun sets over the trees to the West. It has been a while since I considered myself. It is a good habit to be in. I am looking at two days off of work and I have decided I will fill them with the things that I love and enjoy. They will be solitary days. I will read, play piano, listen to music, spend time out of doors, walk, drink coffee and watch the people pass me by. I think I am trying to tell myself something. I sense it. I just need to become quiet enough to listen and to hear. I'll be in touch.