Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Thankful for list...

"Tell me...what is it you do you plan to do, with your one wild and precious life?"

This second chance God has given me, a head strong and self willed guy, to start over and live the rest of these years, finding out what I am really here for - thankful

For the amazing family that took me home from hospital, as sick and frail as I was, and lovingly raised me with all the best they could afford and not afford - thankful

My Dad, who can build anything, fix everything, work harder than any man, is stronger that I will ever be, who called me out to be the man I am, who rose above all the adversity of his past and made a legacy of our name, who has always said yes to me and never no, taught me the value of my word, came to every single game, taught me what mercy and grace was on the side of a deserted highway - thankful

Mom you know what you have done, the nights you have carried me, cried with me, listened and shared, sacrificed, held, challenged and provided, loved my boyfriends as sons, always had time, sheltered me from Dad when I needed it, and pointed me to him when I needed him, all of this...wow - thankful

Brother who slept beside me for 11 years, listened to my nightmares, held me when I cried, made me believe in myself, taught me how to ride a bike, how to climb trees, tell whoppers, and throw and take a solid punch, showed me what success truly can be and is - thankful

Sister, who learned from all our mistakes, loves everyone she has ever met, gives so freely of all she is and has, travels the world caring for others children, inspires me to find and create beauty, sings with all her heart and never, ever says die - thankful

To the two Brothers who are gone - thankful

For my unique house that I love, my huge new bed, my bathrooms and fantastic shower that I can actually sit down in to wash my feet or nap and spin around in with my arms stretched out! for all my clothes, for awesome rough cotton towels, my amazing shoes, my piano, my guitar, my harmonicas, my ukulele, my tools, my old truck, my garage, my coffee pot with built in timer, all my watches (especially the new Nixon) my comfy thick sweaters (can't wait to wear you this winter!) my coats (especially my lucky leather jacket and the goose down B-1 Parka) all of my furniture, my kick ass Man Chair (I will never, ever sell you, promise) , my big flat screen, my computers, a laptop, The Mustang, my Miata's, my Nordic Track, the weight bench, my treadmill, for air conditioning in the hot summer, and heat in the cold winter snow , and running clean water on tap whenever I want it , for my refrigerator and all the food inside of it, for my stove, the microwave, for ceramic knives and copper cookware, my trash compactor, all the art I have collected and made over the years, my wonderful yard, my charcoal grill, the wood smoker(BBQ brisket and smoked turkey!) my flowers, all the trees and this land- so very thankful

For my health and this body, for being a tall guy, for strong bones and good muscles, all of my different body parts, how my ankles and toes pop when I stretch hard, for being a boy and how amazing it feels to pee, for that sacred and fun gift of sex and being built well to give and to receive it, to be able to taste such amazing food and drink, see such beauty of this world with these eyes, to touch and hold with these hands, to smell all the thousands of fragrances and scents, and to hear the trees, the birds, music, a loved ones voice and even silence when I chose - thankful

For my education, the teachers and professors who poured life and love of knowledge into me. For books, so many wonderful books and the time and space to read them. For the gift of University and the Navy - thankful

Friends... where do I start with all of you crazy and wildly beautiful people? - thankful

For the boyfriends, those amazing guys who have shared life and love with me. From Christopher to Michael... -thankful

For Jesus...who gave all so that I may have all this - thankful

I started this simply as a space to record a few things that I am grateful for and now as I look at all the things, people, places, experiences and gifts that have come to me...I am overwhelmed at this beautiful, amazing, fantastic wild thing that I call my life. How can I not be moved by it all? I could keep going and going and going...

I truly am blessed. This helped me so much...

What are you thankful for?


It is 3:44 am and still sleep will not come to me.

I laid in bed waiting for a storm, hoping to drift off.

Thoughts just tumbling in my head.

Where is God in all of this?

What does He want from me?

Why won't He leave me alone?

I hope He doesn't leave me alone.

I am going to lay out on the deck and wait for the sunrise.

Where are these answers?


Monday, August 30, 2010

Sunday tales

Yesterday and church was awesome. Isaac spoke on thankfulness and really touched my heart about all the many things, people and situations I have to be grateful for. He took his message from the lepers that were healed and only one came back and thanked Jesus for restoring his life to him. Where are the other nine? I think many times in my life, I have been one of the nine.

So left church and fell into a trap. Okay not fell, I guess, more like walked willingly into a ginormous hole. Basically whenever I leave church, I drive through Midtown, and literally right past all the clubs that my old friends own. And by clubs, I mean gay bars. And by old friends, I mean people who should be my old friends, but still are my friends.

Confused yet?

Anyway, I decided to stop into one and grab a beer, watch a bit of the game, catch up on community news and just hang out since I had nothing planned for the day. I figured, whatever, I am all good.

Wrong... big time! Friends found out I was there and guys started showing up, we shot some pool, played darts, hung out and I kept putting the beers down. I think part of me was upset for being there as a Christian, and the other part was enjoying myself a lot... like I used to. Now, don't get me wrong, I don't think grabbing a drink with some friends is a bad thing, but I knew what I was getting into here and who I was hanging out with. I have lived that whole life before meeting God and know where it leads. Hmph...

So this one cute guy show up, let's call him James. I have seen him a few times before out and around the city, but never knew he was gay really. He's a short, blond guy in his early twenties with some wicked tatts and a killer body, but you would never know that side of him when you see him downtown. In a suit and tie he is all business, in a pair of basketball shorts and a tight tee, he's deadly. Long story short, completely my type. (well, one of them anyway) We started talking, flirting, whatever and finally we decided to leave and grab some coffee. Well, that was the story.

What happened was, we started making out in the parking lot, then hopped in his Jeep and kept going at it. We did go to the coffee shop, but decided we didn't want coffee just more of each other, so drove back to the bar to get my car and kept making out. He is such an awesome kisser and really knows how to punch my buttons. We took turns being in charge, so that was cool. He is just as aggressive as I am. Finally we took a break and had the talk.

Are we going to do this?

Do you have a boyfriend?

Have you been tested?

My place or yours?

After talking about it and letting our jets cool a bit, we actually decided, no, we're not going to do this, even though we really want to. We both have other guys in our lives that we care about greatly, so you go to your home and I will go home to my house. After horsing around some more, we both said goodnight like friends and I came home and crashed hard.

Why did I tell you all that? I am not sure, I just had to get it out of my head.

I think I could have really screwed up, had a great time and regretted it in so many ways later. It was obvious that we were compatible and enjoyed each others bodies a lot. A part of me is really upset that I didn't bed him though. I mean, who would it hurt? (I know the right answer, just talking out loud here) He wanted me, I wanted him, two guys just having a go at each other, right?


I AM glad I didn't do it. I could try to blame it on the beer, but that is not true. I knew what I was doing. I don't need to start down that road again, sleeping around and all. Talk about a weird way to end a day, making out like teenagers in some guys Jeep. I still don't know what to think about all that. I will see him again, I am sure, but I really don't want to pursue anything. Lesson learned, I guess? I am seeing how weak I really am at times, but am also thankful that we both put the brakes on and kept it in our pants.

Now I get to talk to Michael about all this tonight. Fun, fun. :(

I am such a fool sometimes, always thinking with my cock.

I'm going to shut up now. I'll come back later.

Sunday, August 29, 2010

Weeks End...or Beginning?

Eyes opening as sun comes in. Waking up naturally now each morning since May 30. Gone is the alarm and its subtle music that used to coax me unwillingly into my conscious mind. Now, I just sleep and when I am done, I open my eyes.

Took in the outside while sitting and sipping in quiet. Have not even used my voice yet. Will today be a quiet day? No plans except for church, but even that is not so simple. I am torn between going to Jacobs Well or visiting the new church my friend told me about. I am not really one for change and I feel I need something familiar this day. Maybe I will catch them next week after thinking on it some.

Cleaned up and got the mind and body awake. I love that new long handled loofah! It's just like my hand help one, except on a beautiful bamboo rod that reaches right to that center place on my back that always needs to be scrubbed hard when I am showering alone. Ahhh...that really did feel great. Just stood under the water and slowly brought it back to cool temps as the sun played across the glass and walls. Being clean each and everyday, several times a day sometimes feels soooo amazing! It is one thing to take for granted and another blessing to be grateful for.

Top off today I think. The weather is nice and cool. The sun is out. The proverbial birds are singing and already the neighborhood is waking up. Smiled and waved to Jesse this morning as he grabbed his paper. That guy works so hard! Boats are already getting out on the water and yes...yes...this day will be much better. Almost time to dress and run into the city for coffee and the New York times. Might grab a pastry while I am at it and munch and sip outside on the patio. I love my coffee shop, nestled right there in the middle of the city in the middle of the country in the middle of my world. I orbit Broadway...lol

That made me kind of laugh, so I know all is well in my heart. The days when I cannot make myself smile and giggle are low ones indeed, but today is not so destined to be. I will have a me day, but of the good kind. Maybe shop, stroll, read, lounge, play and defer all invitations until tomorrow. That sounds great! Kind of like yesterday, except out and about and without all the angst and turmoil.

I shall say this is weeks beginning. Good things are coming. I simply must wait.

And while I wait, I'll put some shorts and a tee shirt on and get rolling down the road!


Saturday, August 28, 2010

Bad Day

Odd night, day and night. The last week has been a blur. Sitting here this evening, feet up and wearing an uneasy feeling like a greasy residue over my skin. Usually so happy and full of life, unsure of the last time I felt less than myself. No major event, just off and odd.

Beautiful weather today that I didn't notice. Left the top on the car. Woke up late. Helped my neighbor fix her vacuum and install her new fridge. Got paid and didn't care. Packed a lunch and head out to play at World's of Fun, got upset, never parked and came home. Avoided the phone and texts, spent the day with just me. Several hours just in my bedroom, in the dark, listening to nothing.

Michael was running errands all day. We talked this morning and he was all chipper and happy. Didn't bother making plans. Think I needed to be alone. Maybe I was wrong. I feel lonely now. Always called, texted and messaged when not needed, and now when I ache...nothing. Am I slipping through the cracks? Is this space good, time for me to think?

Nothing all day but simple things. Ate, exercised, napped. No plans, no outing, no entertainment. Not used to this at all. Curious head space. Not sure what is bugging me. Stuff under the surface and hurting.

Hating being gay today. Haven't felt that way in a long time. So many normal people in my life. I feel cut off. They can love me all they want, and I still am over here, way out on this ledge, just looking near, being almost with, never touched.

Having sick people in my life means that people are scared of me now. Don't they know they can't get sick from me? I watch them wash the dishes I use twice before putting them in the dishwasher. Something inside crumples like wet tissue paper and it hurts like broken glass. Friends touch me less now. I never have a problem finding a space to sit in church anymore. People kind of move. I see more wary looks. The "I am so sorry" half smiles. The patronizing condolences. No...I am not fucking strong. I am just like you and someone I love is dying.

Am I just that fucked up gay guy at church now, the one with the sick "friend"? That guy we don't get, the one that seemed cool till the novelty wore off and no one had time to keep track of anything else besides their new shoes, when the next show is, who married whom and who bought what, where we are going for lunch, how cool this new twat gadget is and when is the next road trip? People care more about my Facebook pics and status updates than me and my real face. I am a person, damn it! I no, I don't want to be your token gay friend.

I know I am sounding bitter and mad. I had a chance to hang with 8 friends today from church, but they didn't give a fuck that I was missing. How many called when I didn't park and walk over, just drove on by, fuming in my own way about being lied to and taken advantage of again. Do they know that this shit hurts me? When I fail to speak up, am I just accepting abuse?

A dark night it is, not depressed but subdued. Not used to feeling this way. I am tired of fighting. Tired of knowing Michael is dying. Tired of being strong for everyone. Tired of always having to be happy. Tired of paying for others lives. Tired of being taken for granted. Tired of mailing cards and letters but never getting any. Tired of remembering the names of all the people who forget mine. Tired of being ignored. Tired of being an ATM of emotion and finances for people who cannot seem to take care of themselves. Tired of always doing the right thing. Tired of not talking about how I really feel. Tired of being told what to believe. Tired of not knowing what I believe. Tired of questions. Tired of answers that don't fit. Tired of not being married. Tired of working so hard for each little piece of love I find. Tired of being boxed in by the small mindedness of others. Tired of being hated. Tired of loving...

I'm half tempted to run. Head out on the road in the morning with a bag, bottle of water and the few things I need to get to the coast. What would that solve? Not much, but at least I would be moving. I need to consider the ocean, drink her in with my eyes and shout my questions to her fury. It's time to set sail again. Far too long land locked this sailor boy is.

Am I sad? Is this what sad feels like? I have forgotten.

I never let myself feel anymore.

I don't know if I remember how.

So tired.

Friday, August 27, 2010

Happy Friday!

Wow...I thought I had woke up bright and early, so laid there a bit this morning taking inventory of the morning and how I felt, but NOPE! I had slept in hard core! Didn't find myself in the shower listening to U2 until 10:30! Guess my body wanted some sleep? I do feel great though, and it is Friday! Woot, woot, woot!

Hmm...need to wash the car, get some breakfast in me, coffee up, and figure out what to do today. I know I have a birthday part for Jacoby tonight. I need to get my run and workout in. Might switch it up and swim instead of running. It is such a gorgeous day out! Looks like a group of us are going to Worlds of Fun tomorrow. I haven't been there since they built all the new roller coasters. Stephen, Patrick and the guys...looks to be a great time. Note: get batteries for the camera.

That takes care of tonight and tomorrow, church on Sunday, lunch in the afternoon, just have to figure out Sunday night, but that usually falls into place pretty easy. Prolly play at the park with everyone and make some music. Crap, forgot that Tim's band is playing tonight...hmmm. Party then music I guess? What to do...?

Not many deep thoughts today. Still horny all the time, but learning some self control. Freaking hormones sometimes are the devil dog of my life. Got to call Michael and see what all he wants to do. Note : pick up dog food and paw wipes. I am sure there will be way too much and too little time, but that is how it gets at the end of summer and the beginning of fall. I love this time of year!

Life is good right now. I am learning and growing, being loved by some amazing friends, spending good time in quality efforts and simply being content with where I find myself, even without all the answers. Today is going to be simple and I am going to love it.


Thursday, August 26, 2010

Summer's closing


This photo strikes so many thoughts and memories with in me, I could not help but place it here. How does it move you? What person, time, space or place comes to your mind? It makes my heart smile...

Wednesday, August 25, 2010


Not sure what is up yet this day. Woke up, thinking I was sleeping in, refusing to leave the cool dark comfort of my bed, bundling over and snuggling into the myriad of pillows only to find upon rising that I managed to sleep till 7:23 am. Took a long piss having fun with the sounds it made falling into the toilet, brushed my teeth vigorously, surveyed my tussled and sleep sprung hair and padded slowly outside to grab the day's paper and check out how the sunrise was shaping up.

It was cool and crisp for the first time since I can remember this summer's blast of heat. The air raised goosebumps on my arms and I sat on the steps watching the sunlight play on the windows of the house to the south. The dog days seem to be past. Humming birds buzzed around the feeders and I slowly came awake to another beautiful day in this amazing and fantastic life. So strange to think that the smallest taste of fall is in today's air. All to soon, but oh, so welcome.

Came back inside, grabbed a liter of distilled water and headed to the office. This mornings correspondence demands the full attention of my PC, not the paltry meanderings of my laptop. Once I got him booted up, all the letters I attempted to print last evening came shooting out the slot. Finally, ya lazy git! I had sent them last night to my other PC in hopes of printing and mailing them this morning, so that was a great way to start the day! My skills at computer repair fall somewhere around turning them on and off, randomly clicking icons I never use, and repeatedly talking to myself and getting lost surfing some other website. Seems to work so far!

Think I will shower up soon, slip into something comfortable and head into the city for some coffee. Was pondering running up to Minnesota for the State Fair and to visit a friend, but not sure if that is going to fit into life right now. Patrick yelled at me last night, via a text in all caps, that I MUST COME TO WORLD"S OF FUN ON SATURDAY. Guess we got a group of guys headed out to the amusement park. Seems like ages since I have been there and I know there are some new roller coasters with my name all over them. Oh well, I guess I will figure it out. I also need to get out to the South West and visit friends all over from California and back, but might wait until Autumn truly sets in and the temps will work with top down driving.

Rambling now, I know, but bear with me. I realize that I have no idea what to do today, after the errands and mundane tasks are completed. Might go play in the park, surely get some coffee, check in with friends, hit the library, eat something different and then who knows? This time off has been amazing, but a man left to himself is a pitiful thing. Need to call Michael and see what plans are for the weekend. I know he has month end coming up, so prolly will be stressed to the max. So good to grab time with him and see how he is doing. Our relationship has yet to be defined lately, so am just taking it as it comes. We never really have been one for labels.

Need to call my little sister, see when she is taking off for Peru again, or is it Africa this time of the year? I dunno. Hard to keep up with her and all she is involved with. It is somewhere I know. I like to help her out with some cash, cause she thinks to little of herself and everyone has stuff they need, or sometimes just want. My brother has been pretty quiet lately. His little girl just turned three years old. His hands are full with the business, employees and schedules, work and family, bikes and cars. Such is the life of a real adult I suppose. I guess I never will be getting married, not unless the courts get their act together and I get the green light from God. Weird how it all comes down to stuff written on paper.

Opened up the house now, french doors propped to the patio and deck, windows raised to let sun and fresh air in. Just a great feeling in the air today. Would kind of like to cut my hair, but am trying to grow it out. Grrrrr...

After reading so many friends different blogs, I am wondering when I am going to start tackling the issues and news of the day? I guess I just write what is on my mind, but my life is simple and I don't seem to spend much time worrying or studying the world around me. I don't really react to it all, and am pretty content with my life. Sure, there are the scrapes and jams we all get into because of our choices and other people, but I am merely living my life and enjoying it in the process.

I guess I need a call, a mission, or a project. Something to aim my time at, at least until school starts. I have become really involved at church and in my community, but that doesn't take up very much head space. Am I really selfish? Are there to many "I's" in my writing? I think that I care and help others. The life with no drama is pretty satisfying. Can't say there are any emergencies or craziness to fill anyone in on.

Oh well...time to work out, shower and get some pre-coffee shop coffee inside of me. I wonder what your life is like? What all do you do with your time? Where are all of you from anyway? What do you think about in the morning when you wake up? What does your part of the world look like? If you could tell me one thing, what would it be?

Haven't started coffee yet, maybe in a bit... where is my t-shirt?


Monday, August 23, 2010

Time of my life!

Wow...woke up a bit ago, stretched out, ran through the shower, got my face shaved, resisted cutting my hair, made my coffee and am now dressed and ready to start this day. Figured out the one ball cap I wanted to wear is a bit grungy, so washing it right now and I will be on my way.

Got some serious sleep in yesterday and so grateful for a day of rest. Dragged out of bed in the morning and was bone weary and soul tired. Church was AMAZING, all about the power of our words and the way we encourage and speak to not only each other, but all of those we meet. The phrase that I carried away with me is, "Promptings to speak truth, encouragement and love to one another, when obeyed, can truly impact and change the course of a person's life." I could ramble on about that forever, but basically, thinking back on the great and horrible things that have been spoken to me, I see how those words from others have truly shaped how I perceive myself and the actions I took after absorbing them into my life. Love one another, kids. Speak good things. The power of death and life is in the tongue. Check out the letter from James to see more!

Hmm...drove down to St. Louis on Friday with that HUGE truck! That was an adventure. Got to know Matthew really well and shared some awesome conversation with him. What an intriguing guy. Went to the Naval Academy, track and field scholarships, all over the country, 3 degrees and now running his own business'. I don't see how he keeps track of it all. Switching over from tiny sports cars to an enormous refrigerated Kenworth Diesel was quite an experience, but it was cool to be Kind of the Road...even for just 8 hours. We picked up $12,000 worth of groceries at Trader Joe's and brought them back to Kansas City. Got to meet some cool guys that he employs over in St. Louis and also all the guys from church helped us back on the K.C. end. All in all a great but tiring day.

Woke up Saturday and ran over to Stephen's loft downtown for breakfast. Loved the drive into the city, blasting me some Chuck Berry with the top down! It is sooo cool to watch the city come away in the morning. Got there and wasn't hungry, so played piano and sang while he ran through the shower and got ready for our day. Spent the day helping a family who moved here get all their stuff from those storage pods into their new house. They have some awesome kids and we had a blast getting them settled in. Who knew that MUCH furniture would fit into those things?! It was like playing Tetris getting it all into the house. Five couches, dressers, tables, beds, steamer trunks, and on and on. They found a great place and certainly have enough stuff to furnish it. They were missionaries to Tunisia and have returned home to work in the church. I love them so much, like instant friends!

Stephen and I were pretty beat, but got a call from a friend who wanted to take us to the Royals vs. White Sox game, so we ran to my place, cleaned up and headed to the stadium. Got there and figured out it was a double header...LOL Had an blast and enjoyed meeting so many cool people. Awesome food, great pics and good times. We didn't get out of there till about 2 am!

Sunday...woke so tired..but napped the after noon and slept the night. I am ready for this day. The gas tank is full, I'm all cleaned up, coffeed, top is down, CD changer loaded, sunglasses at the ready for another fun day. I hope God brings me someone to talk to today. I want my time to count, even when I am just taking it easy. Got to talk to school tomorrow and start figuring all the logistics out on that, but prolly going to just enjoy this time off till the Spring Semester. Hmm...that's about it. Yep!

I will be back later to write about the things I am so grateful and thankful for. I learned something really cool right before I took a nap yesterday, but I wasted to much time writing all that stuff up there. More and improved content later...promise!

Love on another!

PS: Michael is doing great and I will try to update on him later, even though he hates it when I write about him...lol

Saturday, August 21, 2010

Wow...what a bright morning!

Woke up about 20 minutes ago singing a song in my head and feeling the bed thrum underneath me as my legs beat that weird rhythm they do when I stretch them out so hard they shake. Anyone else ever have that happen to them? It is kind of cool and feels sooo good! Like they are having some kind of happiness, ectasy seizure. It kind of feels sexual at first, but I think it is just more sensual, or male, or something. Whatever...it was cool! Mah legs are kind of sore in that awesome I worked out so hard yesterday achey good in your crotch, calves and shins sort of way. Wow...I am awake now! These yawns keep splitting my smile open with some kind of weird moan, roar things!

Stephen just texted me to get over to his loft and eat some breakfast with him. More like come over and cook him some breakfast! :D The sun is out, it looks amazing outside and the car is clean! Just need to drop the top and start my day for reals. Guess updating mah blog on the amazing day I had yesterday will just have to wait until later. Hope you all have peace and are finding happiness with the ones you are with.


Thursday, August 19, 2010

Afternoon breaky think...

Sitting here with my paws up, eating a sammich and cooling down after a morning spent in the city. Stephen is still sick, so he called me to grab him some groceries at the store and drop them off at his loft. Who knew there were so many kinds of orange juice and peanut butter?! He is worried about getting me sick, so we kept our distance, but it was good to see him and talk about stuff. He really helped a lot last night listening to all my ramblings about junk. (He looked really cute in his pj pants with serious bed head, but uh...whatever, he's my friend as well as brother and I don't need to think about him like that!) Anyway...killed some time at my coffee shop, sketching people and listening to tunes and got the news I am going to St. Louis tomorrow with a friend from church. Looks to be a good time, working and hanging out with someone I kind of know from the camping trip, but not really well. He is an amazing guy, who owns a couple of business' and is also a personal trainer and massage therapist. He is always so full of life and happy and it will be good to get to know him better. I am always happy in the road anyway!

BTW...this sammich, pickles and chips is KILLER! Om, nom, nom, nom...

Sooo...still have some stuff to do this afternoon. Going to go out to eat with the parents tonight, guess Mom will call me about when and where. I am in a better frame of mind now, kind of got all that crap worked out for a bit, but it is still frustrating me. It is NOT good for a man to be alone...God even said so! And yeah...I'm pretty aware that He is not so down with me mating with a guy.

Meh...summer is winding down slowly and I am soooo ready for fall. Crap! I forgot I was supposed to go to some dinner at church tonight! Oh well, family comes first. I guess I am just in a weird transitional space now with life. Things up in the air, everything changing, trying to find God in all of this, and wondering at times if this whole "struggle" is really worth it. It is so draining at times and I am tired of fighting me. What is the point really? All it does is stress me out and aggravate me. I don't see an end in sight, and no rewards for trying to do what is right. It just seems like so much crap.

I guess my life must seem easy to some people, but it has taken years and years of hard work to get even to this point and I am not finished yet. I cannot wait for the day when I am where I am supposed to be, with who I am intentioned to be with, doing all the things I love and living in peace with all those around me. Kind of a big goal, I know, but completely attainable. It is not so much about money as it is time. Success always finds me. I am starting to really figure out who I want to be when I keep growing up...more who and not so much what.

Wonder who invented pickles? I dunno...but they sure are good!

So yeah, what a weird, strange, eventful, changing and transitional summer. NOTHING went as planned, but I can say I have enjoyed it immensely, even the darker times. I have learned something from each person I have shared space, time and life with. Guess the only regrets I have off the top of my head, is foolish mistakes made with my body and friends, but it was another lesson learned. Guess I will come on back when I have something of more substance to say, but blogging here while I kill time is a good way to stay on track and out of porn land. True? So thanks for helping me!


Chaos and peace

Everywhere I look things are changing. Life is always shifting. Nothing is as it has been or will be again. How to grasp theses moment and hold onto them without crushing the life out of them and missing those that move on past me? People coming and going, running back and forth all over the country. What am I searching for? Who are these people who bring smiles to my heart?

Woke this morning in the cool darkness with sex on the brain, under the sheets announcing, and roaring through my veins like a fluid tempest and it seemed that nothing less would do. These feelings inside frighten me at times. How can this impulse to share and be shared live out so strong in this body? It is like a hunger that eats away inside of me. Sometimes my skin is hungry for touch, for that closeness that another body brings in shared warmth and contact. Waking up legs and arms tangled with soft breath on the back of his neck. Other times, I feel a beast loose in me that must pursue, catch, mount and ravage in a furious storm of aggressive passion. At times it is simply the calm, strong gentle peace of sharing a tender love for someone who cares for my heart and soul. Seeking release and striving to become one through joining. How do all these things live and rule inside me, all at the same time? How much is chemistry, what parts and emotions and where do I fit in?

Last night was so confusing. Went and grabbed dinner with M and all his friends. Ended up sitting between him and Garret and ended up having a great time. Who are these circle of people who make up our weird little life, in this strange city, in the middle of the middle west. We sat there at our gay restaurant, in a gay neighborhood, surrounded by gay people...but there was nothing "gay" about it. Just a bunch of humans being human. The heterosexual people who came and went seemed non-plussed because they knew where they were. Why have we had to carve out these communities, spaces and places to simply live in peace and surround ourselves with the beautiful things that we enjoy? How different are we? Sure its a sports bar and grill kind of place, decorated in the usual way, but still with a flavor so different it extends to the French milled soap in the men's room and linen hand clothes to dry with. I accept it all and am still so confused by it all. We aren't like them, but we are. Humans doing human things.

Grabbed some frozen custard at Foo's after our pizza and a few beers and just wandered Brookside talking and having a good time. Garret sure is an intriguing guy. So much potential, those questing deep eyes and I can't lie and say he wasn't smoking hot. I am glad I got to know him better, encourage him and simply listen to all the words he had for his hopes and dreams of the future. Went back to M's and watched some show and sunk deeper into a happy misery.

How can we still be friends and hang out like this, when my heart is aching and hurting for what we had. What was supposed to be. What direction am I supposed to go? Is it even possible to fall out of love with someone? It is obvious to me that he hasn't told any of his friends of the shift in our status due to my convictions. Just there on the couch, with Fallon, cuddled up, I had peace...but knowing what I really want? Now that's the problem. I can't find rest in me with it all, though part of me cries out desperately to fall deeply in and trust that it will all work out in time.

I am not making any sense, so I will just shut up for now. I am not freaked out or mad. Thanks for all the calls and texts last night from so many friends. I have got to sort this crap out. It is driving me crazy. To love or not to love?

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Another day starting

Much better frame of mind today. Ended up spending yesterday evening with my Dad and just downloading all the events and thoughts that have been on my mind lately about life, dating, church, faith, friends, cars, future, school and finances. He really is my best friend in life, and it is always refreshing to get his perspective on this crazy thing I call my life. He encouraged me to continue seeking success with school and work, gave me some good advice where it comes to love and dating, cautioned me about some of the intricacies and fallacies of organized religion and is pretty much the best Dad a guy can have. I love him so much! We stayed up talking till well past midnight, keeping my Mom up I am sure, since she has the hearing of a bat! I finally came home, read a bit in Psalms and then sacked out hard.

Just woke up a bit ago, and realized I haven't shaved for two days and am at that place where I am either going to grow my hair out shaggy for fall, or get it cut today. I am kind of torn, but think I might opt for growing it out? I have never really had longer hair and always sported really clean cut styles, everywhere from my usual buzz cut, to a shorter Princeton. My hair really starts curling when it grows, so I think I will just see what it does now. Jeff says I need to grow it out to hide my horns...lol Definitely shaving today though! Scruff looks good on a lot of guys, I think, but it is NOT for me. Stephen always always looks good with it, but eh, oh well, it feels like fuzzy dirt on my face. Though it does feel good when you're making out, as long as you don't get whisker burn...lol

So yeah, going to drop the top today and get some therapy in the form of driving country roads, hitting the lake and sipping some good coffee at my wonderful Broadway Cafe. I need a day to think and get some writing done, listen to good music and kind of think about what the hell life has become in this strange summer of mine. I am truly blessed in so many ways by family, friends, community, finances, possessions and opportunity, but I can't help but wonder why? What am I supposed to be doing? Who am I supposed to be helping? What is the point of it all?

Definitely missing all my time with Michael today. Sleeping alone sucks as does waking up alone. I guess my skin is hungry and I need some face time with him. Probably grab some dinner tonight and hang out, watch a movie or something. It has been interesting to watch our relationship and friendship transition as we both process through our lives and find out who we are to each other in the most healthy and productive way possible. OMG...and he sold his BMW and bought a new 2010 Mercedes! I get to ride in it, but not drive yet..lol It is one beautiful machine! Silver C class sedan, which is a big change from his M3 red sports coupe. I think he looks great in it and he sure gets a big smile on his face when hes sitting behind the wheel. Boys and their toys, I know...but I am happy for him. He deserves good things after all he has been through and worked for in life. I still think he looks like a little kid in it, but don't tell him I said that! He is just a short guy, and with that buzzed hair and a ball cap...BWHAHAHAHA!

Oh well, I guess it is time for me to get my day started. I am waking up and the body feels good today. Get my run and workout in and then hit the shower. Looks like Culinary school will be starting in January for me, so I have some more time to get life in order, catch up with friends and family all over the country and enjoy myself before the grind of life starts up again. I hope yesterdays post wasn't too harsh, but it is truly how I feel sometimes. God is working on my heart and I am in a better space today. Thanks for all the encouragement and messages. They certainly helped! Oh yeah, pray for Stephen today too, if you think of it, he is one sick guy. Ended up with that summer flu crap I had. I hope he gets to feeling better this week.

I love life. I really do...

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

What to do when you don't believe...

I am really frustrated and upset right now for so many different reasons that I hope to at least get out of my head right now. Maybe it will make me feel better? I dunno. Actually pretty pissed off, ya might call it out right mad. So much stuff on my mind, it's driving me nuts.

BTW...had a great time at the Pilgrimage with my church. Amazing three days of community and friends at camp. But I'll get back to that later. I am angry right now and need to get it vented and on the table.

The thing is, I am getting so much heat from people lately about being gay. Namely, I am getting all this flack from "christian" people who do not believe that I actually have a relationship with God and also do not believe that Christians can be gay. Now most people at my church are pretty cool and we certainly are not your typical church. My friends love me and support me in what ever decisions I make, though certainly watch out for me and also hold me accountable on the beliefs I do have. But even a lot of them won't give me a str8 answer, no pun intended. It's like no one knows what God thinks.

But all these other "christian" types, with their hate and verses who just seem to love bashing me all the time...

Fuck you.

Yeah, you heard me right.

Thank you for making me feel like shit.

Thank you for always making me feel like my existence is worthless.

Thank you for making me believe as a child that God hated me and wanted to burn me.

Thank you for seeing me as less than human.

Thank you for caring enough to go out of your way and condemn me for something I never asked for and have no control over.

Thank you for being the expert on God and telling me I am condemned to hell and a reprobate.

Thank you for never loving me and offering any help when I have been hurt and wounded.

Thank you for discounting all the love I have ever had in life.

Thank you for making light of all the pain and loss I have felt when relationships have ended. All of those years don't matter right, cause I'm gay? Of course they don't.

Thank you for being my friend, and then vanishing in terror when you learned I liked guys. Rejection is awesome and no, I didn't want to get in your pants just because you were a guy.

Thank you for hiding your hate behind concern for "the children". News flash we don't want your kids, that is pedophilia, get your facts straight, ass hats!

Thank you for seeing my life as nothing more than an endless stream of gay butt sex, cause that is all we are about ya know? We don't love, we don't feel, we don't matter. Hell, we're practically animals right? Just disgusting disease ridden faggots, right?!

Thank you for talking about me behind my back and to my face. That extra helping of confusion and shame sure came in handy.

Thank you for kicking me out of your churches when I asked for help growing up. You certainly kept me away from God well.

Thank you for showing me how NOT to follow Jesus.

I cannot believe we are on the same team, reading the same Bible and talking to the same God on a daily basis. Aren't you my brothers and sisters? Aren't we one family? Why do you hate me so much?

Why do you hurt me so deeply?

You are the reasons that I am losing my faith.

If you are what Jesus would do, then I want to quit.

I am not sure I love the God you serve.

If you are His ambassadors, I am pretty sure I hate him.

I can't believe that I am this horrible. That I am as bad as you make me out to be.

I am a human being too.

Don't I count?

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Home again...ahhh

Well, the truck pulled back into Kansas City last night a little after 8 pm and we dropped off Max at his house after a brief stop at the grocery store. That guy eats so many bell peppers it's crazy! I can't argue with his results of diet and exercise though, he is one ripped and built dude. It was so enlightening and encouraging to spend time getting to know him better over these last few days. He is a professional classical guitar player, a chemical engineer and seriously intelligent man. Conversing with him, about anything at all, is like a perpetual fencing match, where no words are left to drop to the ground without being questioned, dissected and examined. What a great, new friend. On the way back, he finally just asked me out my orientation, in somewhat stilted language, so I gave him the heads up that I was gay. Everyone else in CO and on the trip knows me well, but I kind of kept that under wraps, since I wasn't sure how he would respond. Kind of glad I did, cause it kind of freaked him out, but I thought he handled it well. He just has never had any gay friends before and kind of had a lot of stereotypes in his head about what that would look like. It is always good to help other people realize that we are just normal people too.

Stephen and I stopped by the prayer room, visited with some friends and then headed out for a late dinner. I love that guy so much. This last year we have spent together has taught me so much about myself, about him, communication and unconditional love and understanding. He has taught me to be a good listener, intentional with my words and actions and how to truly care for others, even in the face of adversity and conflict. I am glad to count him my best friend. I am grateful and thankful to have met him, and that he decided to share life and time with me. He is a walking smile! Everything about him is beautiful.

Took an easy day off today. Woke up early, grabbed some coffee at Broadway and the rolled around town visiting friends and having a good time. Went and played in the park a bit with the soccer guys, went swimming with some of my friends and then back home for a nap that lasted till 8 pm. Guess I was kind of worn out! I received the sweetest card from one of my neighbors thanking me for the birthday card I sent her. She is like my adopted grandma. She just turned 97 years old and still live on her own, and is sharper than I am most days. I love her to death and am so thankful she is in my life. She has watched me grow up over the years and certainly blesses my life with all her stories, words and wisdom. I love you, Bernice!

Tomorrow...hmm. Getting up early to head out to my little sisters house to fix up her property a bit. She has alot of landscaping that I put in a few years ago and I try to keep it looking top notch. It makes her happy and the neighbors jealous, but I had no idea I was going to become her gardener too! Once that is done, guess I will hit the coffee shop, of course, and then tomorrow, Stephen and I have a play date. LOL He wants to get outside, play some soccer, fly kites, all the things that I do on my time off that he has missed while working the corporate grind. I think that play time is VERY important for mental and emotional health, kind of like nap time, but all too often as we grow older, we lose that and start acting like adults all the time. Notice I said "acting". There is a time and place for responsibility and maturity, but we should never be to old to play and laugh. It's a good thing.

Hmm...then on Thursday, Michael and are are having dinner. Not sure what we are doing yet, but I am excited. The relationship has slowly changed over time, but I really feel that how things are now is much healthier and productive for us. I think we kind of fell into each others lives a bit too deeply, too quickly and it certainly was causing some stress and worry on my part, both emotionally and spiritually. I guess we kind of got rid of the labels and he is now back to being my friend. Sex is off the table, but the emotional support, love and commitment is definitely deeper. We are not going to let others define our friendship and simply take it one day at a time. Being single again, near each other seems to work out better on all fronts. He is my special friend, but that may be all it was meant to be. I realized that he was in the way of my relationship with God and I was slowly falling into a place where the relationship and sex was much more important to me than growing as a Christian. I realized that things had to change, so we talked it out and it made sense to us both. He had sensed that I was bothered about some stuff and brought it up. I was a completely open door to tell him what was going on in my heart and mind and we both went away from that conversation understanding each other much better.

I love him. I always will, but my relationship with God comes first. I am excited to see what this will all look like in the years to come. I have to write an article now, so I best get going. Colorado was awesome, I am happy, my friends rock, and I have another camping trip with my church this weekend. The whole church is going out to the woods for 3 days and nights. It is going to be AMAZING! Peace,


Sunday, August 8, 2010

At elevation...

Wow! What an amazing trip so far! Drove out to Denver and surrounding areas with Stephen and Max from church. Staying with a friend, Craig, from high school and have spent a fantastic amount of time in the woods and mountains. Hiked six hours to Diamond Back Lake yesterday which is a glacier fed lake. Spent time in Boulder, Golden and all the surrounding cities in the area. Cool funky locals, urban hipsters, hikers, bikers, climbers and legal pot dispensaries in many of the locally owned coffee shops.

No...I did NOT get high, with a little help from my friends. :) I am glad to be surrounded by such good guys and am building these friendships even deeper and intimate. Life is good. We had a BBQ at Craig's church and met a cool guy named David who has been our guide through the mountains and wilderness the last few days. And it IS the wilderness. He does not believe in using trails, but rather likes to strike off across the mountain passes using only a map and compass. I have never been so tired, sore and happy as the last few days.

Today we had church and then went out to the Cherry Creek Reservoir to fish and boat. Have met some fantastic people. Couple of the guys up at Diamond Back Lake, Silas and Mitchel were up there skinny dipping while we were fly fishing. Just a couple of buddies from the Colorado school of mines taking time off to hang with each other. Caught up with them later
(once they got some shorts on) and made some sweet friends. People are truly different up here in the mountains. They share, they care, in short...live as humans should.

I know that much of this is disjointed and rambling, but at least wanted to say hey, and capture a few of my thoughts. Thawing out meat now for the fire and listening to the rain storm come down in such peaceful abandon. I love it here and will certainly be returning as often as possible.

Welp, it is time to start cooking. The guys are getting hungry and giving me the stink eye...LOL I love these guys. Max is playing guitar, others just sharing stories. In the company of good men, I am happy.

Love on another,


Friday, August 6, 2010

Life is getting Full!

It is THAT time of year again, when the dog day of summer are upon us, when the sweltering heat cover all the sticky people like a wet, thick blanket and the social calendar begins to fill itself like a rain barrel that has swollen with all the wet.

I have not written much lately, not for a lack of activity, but more for an absence of words to really describe all the changes that my life is making as this year gradually speeds up. It is with an anticipation that I look towards the fall (my favorite time of the year besides, Christmas and the breaking of Spring.) Looking back at half of the year, I can see so much personal growth and shift that it scares me a bit with the excitement it has brought.

My house and life are being put in order, as I slowly learn again that age old principal of obedience. I took some time off to make the changes I needed, as well as to find some space to process, unwind and truly reflect on the path I am on. My relationship with Michael has been placed in the proper perspective and he is now in the best place in my life. I have become much more connected to community and church, My spiritual life is bewildering as much as it is exciting and the people in my life I love are near and such a gift each day.

My parents and I visited the school that I will be attending these next four years as I undertake my next life project of getting another bachelors degree in Culinary Arts and Restaurant and Hotel Management. Due to it being a private, religious school, I have much apprehension and concern about how my orientation and person would be received. I would have to say that the religious organizations that I have encountered in my life so far have had less than stellar responses. The church I grew up in kicked me out, all in love of course. My school that I attended from the age of two to eighteen pretty much disowned me after graduation and always there were people shaking their heads, raising their fists and voices and proclaiming judgment and hate over me.

The college loved me! I knew once I saw the campus, met a few people and had my interviews with the Administration and Deans that this was to be my new home away from all my other homes. Hell, even the guy that gave my parents a tour of the place while I was off being interrogated was a damn attractive friend of Dorothy. While I wasn't expecting open arms, due to their reputation in academia and Honor Code, it was refreshing to know that I was not being shunned or rejected once again due to the fact that I am gay. Amen for answered prayer and enlightened individuals! I am so excited to get back into the classroom and finally start pursuing the passion I have had since a child!

Church has been amazing and in one short week we will be making our annual Pilgrimage as a whole to go spend four days together at a camp in Kansas. This is always an amazing and life generating time as we get away from all our normal lives, meet together and simply enjoy life and community. It is not a space for preaching, sermons or massive change, but more of a time to recharge, refocus, center ourselves and connect to each other for the upcoming year ahead. I know that this year is going to be amazing! Old friends, new friends, families, couples, singles, children and everything in between. It is going to rock!

I am up freakin' early this morning, cause I am like a kid before Christmas! Stephen, Max and I are heading up to Colorado to spend some time in the mountains and to visit some friends of mine from high school. Through a stroke or luck, or Providence, Stephen met Craig this last year and they also have become fast friends. Today we load up the truck and head out bright and early for Denver and parts beyond! It is going to be a great trip! I can't wait to see the mountains and play in some snow during the summer. We are going to be hiking, rafting, climbing, biking and all the other things that the amazing state has to offer. It truly is an exhilarating and inspiring place. To get outside and just play again, but in the mountains instead of the lake is almost as getting back on the ocean! Road trips are my favorite times, and the conversation, music and laughs are always the best when the tedium of driving across Kansas starts working its magic on us all. I can't wait to see Craig and the guys again and we are going to be hanging out with his friends and church. Good stuff, people!

Well, my brain and body are waking up finally and I am going to wrap this short update up. The second half of the year is upon us and it will be a whirlwind all the way till New Years! I will be back and forth from California to Maine before the sun sets on the last day of 2010. I hope you all are well and those your love are always within reach of your arms and smile. Peace to you all and have an amazing time!