Saturday, October 30, 2010

Cultural Relativism :Two Way Street?

I have been kicking a few ideas around in my head the past few days and am still not exactly sure how to word my question, but this is a crude stab at it.

Is Cultural Relativism a two way street in Christianity?

Thinking on different topics kind of got me wondering if this works two ways, or just one way, from the past to the present, or the present to the past, or both?

For instance, slavery. In the past, we find it all over the place in the Bible. Old Testament and New Testament. It was a cultural norm of its day. Present day, we have concluded, rightly so, that no man has the right to "own" another man, credit card companies and mortgage banks excepted.

We looked at an old institution and is not morally or ethically right, even if it is found and accepted in the Bible. They got it wrong.

Another topic, homicide and genocide. Looking at the Old and New Testament we find examples of homicide and mass genocide of people simply because of their ethnicity, religious practice, ownership of land and all other kinds of reasons. In fact, all the people groups of the Bible participated in killing each other off for all kinds of reasons. The God of the Old Testament really had a thing for the death penalty too. Just about everything could get you stoned!

Now, present day, we have looked at these practices and once again condemned them as unethical and immoral.

Is orientation and sexuality any less important of a human rights issue? The freedom to be an individual, beholden to no man as property, the right to the sanctity of ones own life and the liberty to love and live with the partner of ones choosing. Does this relativism only work one way, from the past to the present? If they were wrong about what was right, couldn't they also be incorrect about what was wrong?

If it is a two way street, then can't we look back at some of these archaic laws and condemnations, accept them for face value without talking semantics, languages, theologies and splitting hairs and just admit...this is another area they got wrong? In fact, it is just yet another area of life that they were completely off the track when it comes to morality and ethics?

I expect to hear from every "side" on this one, but it is a simple question.

Why can we sit on this side of history and admit that they were wrong in some areas, still clinging to the Bible as inerrant (as some do) and then in other areas vehemently deny basic human and civil rights to others and to our own selves, based on the notion that while they may have been wrong in other areas, in the whole guy on guy or girl on girl action AND love, commitment and life...they were irrefutably correct?



Tuesday, October 26, 2010

In a World of Men

I've never had a girlfriend. In fact, in my entire life, there has never been one true female friend. I live each day, a world of men.

Thinking on this as I woke up this morning, my mind went back over the years since childhood. Different pictures and memories of childhood kind of get cram packed in the back of my head, those files rarely thought of and looked through. I think over the earliest things I can recall, and see other boys. Preschool, playing with Legos, eating lunches of fish sticks, bread and butter, apple juice and frozen peas and there is Jeff Burnett. He was kind of a brainy wild guy, crazy curls and glasses already on his little face. So studious at times and yet another little heathen just like me. He went to another school during the day, so that had to make him a few years older, but we were fast friends. Playing outside, jumping off the highest things we could find, burying each other in rocks and always digging in the dirt, building something , destroying something, always coming back inside filthy and worn out for nap time. We were an unstoppable army of two united in our cause of squeezing every bit of fun out of each day.

I went to preschool and summer camp growing up before school. Each day was filled with activities, play time, moments for stories, setting out the big cots for nap time, swimming, playing in the different parks and playgrounds learning our colors, alphabet, simple things. All those days seem to blur into the start of school, but one thing remained constant. In all of those lines we stood in, boys were on the right, girls were on the left. The girls were "other". Not like us. Always apart, to be seen but not actually known.

Kindergarten and grammar school came, always the divide. Summer divided up each year with camp that lasted through all those times of sun, swimming, field trips, playing outside, in the woods, in the creek, for hours on end. Names and faces flash in front of me. I guess I had an idyllic childhood compared to some. I lived with my whole family in the same big house that was always being redecorated and renovated at my parents whims and many of those guys I grew up with followed me all the way to high school graduation. Private school is a strange microcosm of society. The guys I played with in the dirt, the woods and grew up with were a constant. Sure, a few came and went, but the core group of us were together for more than 16 years. Always us guys. We saw each other through from preschool to graduation. I was always surrounded by them and their brothers and families. School was family and family was school. It was there I became known and knew. My friends defined my life.

There were girls at my school. I remember that. Little pretty people, all dressed up, doing those things girls do. I was never sure what they did, or what they were for, but they were always over there to the left. They were always floating over there to the left, kind of on the edge of my vision. The ones I do remember often crossed that line and would play with us rowdy boys, until some well meaning teacher rescued them and put them back on the "correct" gender path. Girls were to be ladies and boys, well us boys were going to be gentlemen someday, but not quite yet. We still had a lot of boy stuff to do. That whole man stuff was for the grown ups. For guys like our dads and older brothers. Those big people.

My first boyfriends name was Ken. Yup...I stole him from Barbie! I am not sure where he came from, maybe my little sister, but he was always naked and I kept him in a wooden box in my closet. I can't quite remember all the stuff we did, but I sure did like him. His lack of a dick always puzzled me, just kind of this weird bulge, but I wasn't too worried about it at the time. He was kind of quiet, but he was a good guy. Then along came G. I. Joe and Ken was forgotten. I hope he understood. Joe had airplanes, tanks, guns and fought battles! How could naked, pretty Ken in a box compete with Joe?

Flash forward through all those years. I was always with guys. I lived in a world of men, or at least of boys wanting and trying to be men. We fought battles, built cities, swam oceans, engaged in huge running sword fights and always conquered all we saw. We claimed this world as our own. That is what men do. Playing turned to sports, to sports we added cars, to cars we added jobs. Some eventually peeled away from the pack and started spending more time with girls, but always returned back to the pack. How was I supposed to know how strange this place was I lived? This was my life.

Time passes like a funny unseen murmur at times. I grew up, met my first real boyfriend who didn't live in a box in my closet. Each year, more guys, more friends, more buddies. Always one right by my side for as long as we would have each other. High School, then College, the Navy, always with guys. It was like summer camp never ended. I lived with them, cried with them, slept, showered, ate, worked, played, dressed, walked, breathed, lived and loved with them. Those were the arms that held me, they were the ones I held deep in the night when sleep took me away. Theirs were the faces, eyes,smiles strong hands and tangled legs that played the music of my life. The girls always stayed to the left. I entered the world of men and never looked back. I not only wanted their friendship and love, I demanded their respect. I was to be their leader. Something in me always called me to stand at the front. I don't think I ever learned to follow.

And now here I am, still me, still Daemon and the girls are still over there somewhere. The other, the unknown, the unseen. This doesn't strike me as normal as it did growing up. I mean, aren't I supposed to have friends who are girls? I mean, I'm gay. Even if I don't want one of my own, to have and to hold, aren't we supposed to be best friends and all that crap?

I think I got into that first line...way back in preschool and obeyed my teachers. I kept my eyes to the front. I did not look to the the left or right, stopped and started when told to, eyes on the back of his head...

And I never got out of that line.

Did you?

Sunday, October 24, 2010

New friend

I meet many different people each day. I think we all do. Some leave an impression, others...not so much. Sometimes I sit at the coffee shop and watch people. I write about some, a few find their way into my sketches but rarely do these passing strangers find their way into my life.

Levi is different.

I knew this the very first time I saw him in September. He was sitting at a window table, his stuff spread out all over the place, kicked back in his chair, lounging in the sun and eating a cookie. He caught my eye at first, because he was wearing a bright red North Face jacket, then as my eyes wandered, I decided I really liked the scuffed Adidas kicks, rumpled jeans (that he filled out nicely), frayed belt, broad shoulders and curly blonde hair.

Then his eyes caught me...literally caught me.

Deepest blue I have seen, ever.

Watching me...watching him.


Bold little fucker.

Not really sure how long we stared, but he kept eating his cookie and I stood there with my coffee, like an idiot. I finally remembered to smile but found that my face was already stretched into a huge grin. Suddenly I bolted for my usual table, which happened to be near his, and settled in to read and listen to some music.

He leaned over, scratched his nose and said, "Hi, I'm Levi. What's your name?"

Friday, October 22, 2010

It gets better...

This was shared with me by a fellow blogger, Pomoprophet. Like he stated, this guy certainly gets it! Check out Pomo's blog too. PomoProphet's Blog I like his take on life, current events, community and the crazy stuff that happens in this country. Cheers!


Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Pumpkin Pie...Finally!

Doo, doo, dee, doo! Sitting here with my feet up after a good day. Cooking roux and chicken for my White Chicken Chili tomorrow night. Super secret recipe...won't tell ya, but it's GREAT! Like Tony always says. (the Tiger, not my Italian friend, silly.) What was today about?

Woke up a bit early with a bizarre song stuck in my head. It was actually this... this morning was odd to say the least! I don't really even like musicals and Broadway, but I think this was left over from watching De-Lovely the other week. (Cole Porter story, Kevin Kline) Anyway...woke up slowly, went for a run, showered up, made coffee and puttered around the house for awhile. Well, actually a long while. Didn't get out of the house till afternoon or so. Washed the car, cleaned house, made a grocery list, I dunno...all the usual stuff. Somehow ended up listening to the soundtrack to Evita during all that, then switched to Cajun music. Yeah...who the heck knows?

Ran to the library, picked out some new authors to read, got a few favorite CD's to listen to. Sex and City soundtrack is great as well as the soundtrack to the History Boys. Both good stuff and emotional lodestones in my life with Michael...long story. Came back home, ate some lunch and then blew off the rest of the day.

Tonight was my small group from church. It rocked. We discussed the ending of the 6 week series on 'We are Church' and had some awesome discussion on everything from friends, Mormon boys and all kinds of good questions and stuff. Had some pumpkin now it is officially Fall! Got a text from Stephen, who let me know he was going to bed in Maine! Huh? Minnesota, Ohio, now Maine? I do not know what got into that guy, but I sure do miss him. Get back home, Stephen! :)

Gareth (friend from Australia) is headed back home for two weeks this Friday for a wedding of one of his mates. Other friends taking off for Africa soon too. Seems like everyone is getting to travel now but me. Where should I go? It is not like I have to be anywhere until what...Thanksgiving? Well, I have to take my Chili to church tomorrow night, and speak at the Mayflower Society Fall Luncheon (I am the Governor, now) but hmm...I do have some free time till school starts. I dunno? I don't even know where I would want to go at the moment.

Random blog post, I know, sorry. But this is how my brain works at the end of the day. Nothing cool, exciting or crazy today. Just simple stuff, but good. Have been crazy horny lately, but porn helps and kind of decided to not have sex for awhile. How long I don't know, but I am not dating or hunting, if that makes sense. Thinking about cutting out alcohol for awhile too, just to see what that would be like?

Well, I have to shred all this chicken and then get some sleep. Morning comes early and I like to see each sunrise when I can. Wish you all well!


This is it

I think this says it pretty well. Don't forget to yield on green. :)

Monday, October 18, 2010

I are confused

Sitting here listening to the music of Mike Crawford and the Secret Siblings thinking on yesterday and how very odd and unexpected it was. Definitely check out the song "Center My Heart". This is our music group and leader from church. Songs from Jacobs Well Find myself confused about church and faith, but I should start at the beginning.

Woke up early way before the sun and got ready for my day. Nothing much planned except church and the coffee shop. Since I got such an early start, I decided to go the the 9 am service instead of my usual 11 o'clock time. Hit the coffee shop (no line was a bonus!) and did a little reading and people watching. David and some friends from church were there, but I just said hi and took my usual table on the patio and enjoyed seeing the city wake up around me. Headed over to church while listening to some Il Divo (those guys rock) and had my pick of parking spots. The service was great, got to see all my friends, shared some great hugs. Seemed like everyone was loving on me extra hard? I guess some news travels fast. Deth finished the 6 weeks series on "We are Church" and I learned a little more about my own little place in this community that I am a part of.

Service let out, all my usual peeps started showing up for the next service and I got some grief over switching up my times. I guess I am pretty patterned and predictable at times. My friends know where to find me on any given day and time, unless I just get a wild hair up my ass and take off.

Which is what I decided to do...

Since I was out early I decided to visit another church that a good friend had invited me to several times over. I always had some excuse, but now with the space and time, curiosity got the better of me. A simple way to put it is this, he goes to a gay church. Now we have gay people at my church, duh...but this church is different. I would say it is the biggest church in the city that plays an inclusionary role in the LGBT community. They rent a building to the Gay and Lesbian Community Center and also host Passages, the LGBTQA youth group in Kansas City. So yeah...really gay. :)

What I found to be my experience has left me a bit stunned and confused about my faith, my church and my past ideas and concepts of practice. I drove up a bit after the service started, so as to avoid having to socialize with a bunch of strangers. I'd say about five minutes late. Plus I had to grab another coffee to settle my nerves. I grabbed my bag and walked in with the other guys who got a late start in the morning. Some of the were VERY cute, but never mind that. I was there to see what this church was like.

I was greeted at the door and given a bulletin and visitors card and then I found a spot near the back of the sanctuary to the far right. It was traditional church building, old and beautiful, but more modern than Jacobs Well. Amazing stained glass windows, soaring oak arches and thick solid pews that were comfortably padded. A glance around the congregation showed many couples, guys with guys, girls with girls, families, both str8 and gay and a large number of single people like myself. A pretty mixed crowd, though many more LGBT people than my church.

I had missed the group singing, but did note the hymnals in the pew shelves. There was a full choir up front and they even had choir robes on! That was kind of a shock. Grand piano, organ and small band up front. The choir sang an awesome song about being redeemed, full of the gospel, but definitely older music that I had become accustomed to. I knew it was going to be a different experience because I started recognizing faces from the gay community that I have known and worked with over the years. One of the managers from a local Chevy dealership was in the choir. He was dressed as a woman as he usually is when out and about though certainly not at work. He sang a solo and his clear tenor voice was amazing to hear. I didn't even know he went to church! I guess it would be more PC to refer to him as her, but I am not sure if he is Trans or simply just a cross dresser. Looking around more, I noticed that one of my bartenders was playing the piano and another one was in the choir. One of the guys I knew from political work was playing the guitar. I finally started looking around and really looking at faces.

I knew at least 40-50 of the guys at this church. I found that kind of stunning. In all the years I have known them, only a few of us have ever spoken of faith and God. The size of the gay Christian community in Kansas City was much larger than I thought, and this is just ONE of the gay churches in town. It is non-denominational and the other one is Baptist.

After a few announcements of a good drive, current activities and upcoming concerts (Ray the message started. The pastor spoke on the Rich Man and Lazarus. He preached powerfully about salvation, our calling to spread the gospel and also to minister to all of those who are "laying at our front gate". The compassion and conviction that filled his message gripped me, and I stopped writing in my journal and just listened. I was convicted. They used more scripture and doctrine in one message here than I have heard in the last few years at my church. I had expected some kind of unity, happy, peace and love hippy dippy bullshit honestly. But I was hearing the Bible preached powerfully.

The message ended and there was a few more songs and announcements and then it was time for communion. The entire service had been signed for the hearing impaired but the pastor who got up to speak and serve communion signed for himself/herself...still not really sure, but that is not important.

I have never heard such a compelling, heart rending and Spirit filled call to communion and its true story in my life. I cried again and then also decided to not take communion with them. I already had at my church but I think the real reason was, despite their open and loving invitation, I felt completely unworthy. This body of Christians lived Christ's love to each other and their whole service was saturated in truth and power. This was not some sham gay church. This place was real and many of the people there just happened to be gay. They were more conservative even that I am and held closer to a faith that I remember from my childhood.

I went out into the sunshine feeling very confused and kind of baffled. What just happened in there? What do they have that I am lacking? How could I have been so wrong about what I thought I would find? I said hello to a few friends I knew and kind of fended of the curious guys who wanted to know who the new guy was. I will just let my other friends fill them

I took off and went to Michael's club to grab a few beers and watch the Chiefs game. Not surprising that soon after I arrived to meet my friends than many of the guys from that church started showing up. Now I just don't know what to think, but I am pretty sure after my service this next week, I will visit again.

What do you all think about churches that welcome gay people in, not as some broken and twisted souls to be "fixed" but as full members and encouraged to be involved in all areas of the ministry? An open display of acceptance instead of the quiet who cares attitude and certainly not the hell fire damnation and hate so often seen in mainstream denominations.

I are confused all over again...but I think that is a good thing?


Saturday, October 16, 2010

This morning

The sound of the  Westminster grandfather clock chiming six bells broke the silence of the dark morning and awareness crept in like fog, on tiny cats feet. Eyes not yet open, the beginning days thoughts began to encroach and push the fading dreams from the mans mind. He laid there, clinging to each peace of dream, as if to discern meaning and fabric from the memories of what seemed just a few moments hence. Images and words were moving back into the orderly files of those sleep files, but he still struggled to wrest a story from them, or was it his past? It certainly did not seem to be something he remembered in this life time but the faces and local was definitely familiar. Dreams always seemed as such to him. A fantastical journey of what was and could be, mixed with the musings and hopes of what was not and will never happen. Strong, dark sexual images, questing eyes, a concern of another, and then it fades to the more pressing needs straining the confines of his boxers. The urgency of needing to relieve his bladder or get laid seemed a mix signal to a mind not yet awake. At least one of those could be dealt with, so he shoved aside the sheets and down comforter, mindful of the mornings chill and padded silently to the bathroom his feet whispering a prayer softly..

His eyes were not fully ready for the insulting light and he squinted while fumbling with the band of cotton around his waist. Sight finally showed that what he was searching for had already poked out and was announcing the location of  his navel and was certainly not being compliant or willing to be aimed anywhere in a direction closer to the floor. He could see his heart beat in it making it sway.  A few moments pause and pushing found enough tumescence for his intentions and with a grateful sigh, water began to sing and splash loudly in the bowl with a deep, tumbling hum. His eyes scanned for the familiar red digits of the alarm clock and it silently announced that yes, it really was 6:14 in the morning. Slapping the light back off, his eyes grateful, he idly scratched the tuft of hair on his belly and found his way by sound to the tall, heavy oaken armoire. Feet on cold tile, stepping slowly, feet on hardwood boards, warmer still, the soft brush of a tufted carpet and he arrived.

The hammered brass handles were easy for his thick fingers to find, even in the gray light and he swung the doors open to the left and right the snick of clasps announcing their release. Scent of cedar lined shelves, waft of cologne on thick woolen sweaters, the hint of fabric softened linens and the light tang of gun oil slipped past his nose. He knew where he was. This was home. Hands found the combed cotton pajama pants and a well worn t-shirt by feel. The pieces that came away in his paws complimented in color and texture, which, for some reason, struck him as amusing and a grin stretched over his lips and wiggled his nose. Always precise, even in the half light of morning and  far from awake...he mused. Pants pulled lightly over hips, up and over his slowly deflating bulge. Couple of firm tucks and pushes got everything into place down there. A t-shirt stretched over head and settled onto shoulders and torso like a soft hug. These textiles chased the chill a bit further into his memory. A yawn splits his face while a hard stretch makes chords pop and the quiet room heard his gentle but rough sigh. The zip of a hoodie going on sounded like a muted but cheery cricket lost inside where it was warmer. Feet slipped into  frayed hemp and leather flip flops and he left the room like a shadow.

He walked through the darkened house, memories and touch serving his passage more so than eyes would ever tell. Forward down the hall past large framed pictures collected while traveling, stairs and furled ballister to the right  then left under hand and then there was days light, peeking in the transom over the front door. Birds peeping in the evergreens planted on the south west corner announcing their cheerful good mornings. The slide of brushed nickle mortise locks crisping open, well oiled against winters arrival, snicked loudly as the broad   solid paneled door swung open on a new day. Pushing the leaded glass storm door wide against the hinges, he stepped onto the brick and timbered front porch and settled himself on the steps this morning instead of his familiar  Adirondack chair. Deep breaths in brought Falls musk and cool air into a body still warmed from sleep. The chill of stone made a cold spot on his rump. A hand rubbed his face, grasped his chin firmly and twisted left and towards the trees. The internal musket crack of joints popping brought a contented smile to his face. Long legs drawn up in a mantis crouch kept his knees close to his shoulders. He wrapped his arms around himself and arched his back forward, eyes wide now and accepting. Autumn colors graced his eyes, rippling meaning, like a just tossed upon pond.

Thought had arrived. Dreams were gone but for awhile...


And so he sat.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Night Post

Kind of strange to be sitting here and writing a few things in the evening. I typically post during the day, specifically in the morning, kind of as a way of clearing my head. Guess tonight is an exception?

What was today, Thursday? Yeah, that is right. Cause last night was my Corpus group. (small home church group) It was amazing. Joined a new group this Fall as my old group kind of imploded due to tons of kids being had, all kind of activities that kept all the young parents busy and who knows what all else. My new group meets at a couples house in Wednesday night to discuss the weeks message, share what is going on in our lives, play and eat together, just live out community, I guess? They have this kick ass ginormous Arts and Crafts style home that has to be at least 100 years old. It is like 4 stories tall and decorated in a way that hearkens back to a great age of style, preserves the heritage of the home but still features all the latest technology and amenities. They raised all their kids there and have now opened their home graciously to all us crazy guys and girls from church. I think they will soon be a second family to me. I had met Edward on my camping trip and he is a Harvard trained attorney who is blind. Just an amazing soul. His wife is love. That is the easiest way to explain Ansie. They rock...more on them as time goes by.Met some new peeps, saw some old friends and definitely know that is the place for me. Yippee!, slept in a bit, till 8 or so and then had interviews and tours all day of a company I had put some feelers out to. That is right...I think my care free time off is coming to an end. I really need a schedule and something to do with my days instead of living the life of some goof off wander about. This summer and fall have been awesome so far but I am actually kind of bored with all the freedom and time on my hands. Hard to believe I know, but a man needs something to do, a purpose, a sense of productivity. At least I do. Took a tour of the entire facilities tonight and am very intrigued and interested to do some chemistry for them. I will know more tomorrow, but have my toes They will pay me in money! That kind of comes in handy at

I am pretty tired. Got done reading all my stuff...oh yeah! Ran into friends from the lake today here in town. Talk about strange. They were not together at least, that could have been awkward. (simple story, I slept with both of them at different times over my vacation time at the lake. Hard to not think of how great that was when talking at the coffee shop, like a movie on the back of my eyelids) It was great to catch up, but it was strange hanging in the city instead of the lake. I spent a little time with each, drank some coffee, talked and acted interested in their lives, but whatever those sparks were are gone for me. Just pretty and blank faces. Is that strange? Was it just the magic of being at the lake? Or have I changed that much. Kind of made me sad that their lives were still kind of revolving around a circle. They are still trying to find their success and acceptance in society with the grasp for money and relationship. I have been that way before and know what it feels like. Who knows? I might be there again sometime, but at least I have a direction at the moment.

So I guess I will do some work until school starts. The pay is great, the hours are cushy and it is a new and exciting field. I should know by tomorrow. Guess I will have to make this weekend count for something because it is back to being a bit of an adult at times. Crapster! I forgot about that part. I kind of got used to being the boss of me. Ima go to bed now, even though it's hella early. I just am tired. G'nite all. Maybe I will have something worth saying in the morning.


Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Good Mornin' to Ya

Hello World,

Woke up at 6:00 am though my body clock was guessing it was around 4:39 am or so. Laid there for a bit and just took inventory for a few moments. My back is healing, that's a good thing. Thanks for that! Stretched out under the warm covers and popped my toes and it felt nice to yawn hard and know today was going to be a good one.

Padded to the bath room and looked at my tussled hair with a grin and started in on the daily maintenance. Waited till the shower was steaming hot, taking the time to brush my teeth and drain the lizard. Ever notice how good that first morning pee always feels? Scrubbed down twice till my skin felt squeaky then dried off in the warmth with a clean rough towel. Man...that felt great! So many things we take for granted in this country. Being clean and warm, a soft, big bed to sleep in, a peaceful quiet place to wake up in. All of these things I have done without, at times in my life, and now am so very grateful.

A long, leisurely shave...ahhh. Now that is what I am talking about! Little bit more grooming and my body is ready to face the day. Time to stretch and run through a few exercises. Muscles protested a little bit, but all in all feeling like a fine Navy day! I love that feeling in the back of my legs and shoulders, that gentle ache that feels so good. Every day my flexibility is coming back, granted, I am not doing the splits again yet, but am getting there. It feels great to lay my face flat on my legs again. Having a hurt back really sucked there for awhile. You don't appreciate your core strength until it is damaged. that the smell of coffee? Forget the robe this morning. The air feels good on the skin. Went through the house without turning on the lights and prepared my morning joe. Mmmm...good. *slurp* Stepped outside for a bit, after throwing on some flannel pants, of course, though sometimes it is nice to step outside nakie. and crisp with just the hint of morning light. Neighborhood slowly waking up, the lake pretty calm and placid. I so love Fall! It smells like promise in the air and the hint of wood smoke from some ones fireplace.

Yesterday was amazing. Got to fly my kite for a few hours at the lawn of the Nelson Atkins Art Museum. Caught the attention of some life hysterical kids who ran around shrieking at the top of their lungs as I made the kite dive bomb them and dance over their heads. One solemn little guy hung back, his mouth agape and eyes as wide as saucers. I invited him to take the string and he came over and eagerly obliged. While teaching him how to catch the wind and keep the line taught I noticed an art student from KCAI capturing everything in stills with his camera. Such a beautiful afternoon. The kids wandered off with their minders to tour the gallery and I was left to myself again, just listening to tunes and fishing for the wind. That is, until the dang times sprinklers came on to water the lawn! Bwhahahaha...I just stood there and let them soak me. It is just water and it felt so good! Alive again, all in that moment.

Funny thing, my Dad showed up at my place later in the day. Acted like nothing had ever happened and was dying to show me a new singer he had discovered. Spent some time listening to Doug Kershaw, his new obsession and was taken aback that after so much grief in two weeks time that my Dad was reaching out to me in the only way he knew how. Through music. I know he can't address the things he said and he is even worse at apologies. In his mind, the matter is settled, at least for awhile and he knows that I know what he feels about all that. I guess I could be ugly and drag it all out again, but in the way of men, I think I am going to let go of it and take this for what it is, a truce. We understand each other well enough to know how we think and feel about what happened, no need to let words all get in the way. Is that hard on me? Yes, yes it is. Am I okay with that? I think I am. For now I am glad to be sharing time and space again. I am sure that it was not easy for him to drive out and wonder what look on my face would greet him. Not talking for that length of time was hard on us both. Guys are weird...I know, cause I am one of them.

After the sun comes up a bit, I am going to take the top off the car and get him ready for a drive. South I think this morning, maybe out Lees Summit way. Kind of hit the back country roads and push some new tunes though the system. Tonight I am excited about. My new Corpus group starts that Gareth invited me to and one of the guys in church will be leading it this Fall and Winter. Edward is quite a character. I first met him on the Guys Camping Trip this summer. He is blind, but I did not even notice for about the first hour, he is that skilled! He graduated from Harvard a while back and I am intrigued to get to know him better. Gareth of course rocks, my crazy friend from Australia. Need to pick his brain some about all things Culinary. He was a chef in France and England before coming to America. Doesn't hurt that he is smashingly beautiful in his charming and rugged way, but not to worry. I'll be good!

Breakfast time in a few. Warm, comfortable broken in jeans from the dryer. A faded and much loved t-shirt, might grab a sweater and cap for the morning jaunt? Looks to be a good day! Hope it finds you well.


Guys: Bad Romance ala Gaga

These guys are a riot and pretty talented at that! Started my day with a smile and cracked me up! Enjoy...


Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Wherever You Go...

Wherever you go, there will I be
Down south or up north, out west or back east
Whichever direction, by land or by sea
Where ever you go, there I will be

I will carry you in, to the rivers side
That washes your tears away
In the absence of sound, and the blink of an eye
And with your armies held at bay
When there’s nothing left to say
Even today, even today

Wherever you go, there will I be
Down south or up north, out west or back east
Whichever direction, by land or by sea
Wherever you go, there will I be

I’ll be hanging around, and I’ll be on your side
When it seems that I’m far away
In a pillar of cloud, and a pillar of fire
In forty nights and forty days
When there’s no one left to blame
Even today, even today

When you’re well on your way, and when you go astray
No matter the place, what city or state
Even today, even today

This is a song for the Sleepless
This is a song for the Sick
This is a song for the Single Parents
We know who we are
This is a song for the Heartbroken
This is a song for the Helpless
This is a song for the Stressed Out
We know who we are
This is a song for the Unemployed
This is a song for the Underpaid
This is a song for the Lonely 
We know who we are

This is a song for the Guilty and Numb
This is a song for the Terrified
This is a song for the Fragile People
We know who we are

Wherever you go, there will I  be
Down south or up north, out west or back east
Whichever direction, by land or by sea
Wherever you go, there will I be
When you’re well on your way, and when you go astray
No matter the place, what city or state
Even today, even today

Monday, October 11, 2010

Sunday Funday

Sunday was an interesting day to say the least. Got up too early, scrubbed down and headed into the city. Beautiful drive with the top down. Sun coming up, cool breezes and the interstate was completely devoid of idiots and truckers...very nice!

Hit up my local coffee shop and sat on the sidewalk cafe and watched the parade of people waking up to another day and enjoyed Westport slowly coming alive. Ran into friends from church, had a ton of smiles and laughs at their children's antics and got some good coffee inside of me.

Went over to church for the 11:00 am service and that is where the day really got good. (I know that is bad grammar, but it works for me here) The music, first of all, was stellar! Mike Crawford and his Secret Siblings were leading and each song just touched me deep inside. Such a mix of the old and the new. To hear 300 plus people singing their freaking lungs out was just what I needed to get back in touch with some place inside of me that has been quiet and a bit dead for some time. The phrase that broke me was, "Wherever you go, there will I be, up North or down South, out West or back East. Wherever you travel, by land or by sea...wherever you go...there will I be."

Stunned into tears, I sang as my trembling voice would let me. Water marred my vision, but I did not care. What I realized there is that I am NOT alone in all of this. The turmoil and questions, the endless seeking for answer, the confusion and self doubt. During each and all these times...God is with me.

I sat down in a different head and heart place and prepared myself to listen. Deth  (pronounced Date for some obscure reason of Asian semantics) spoke on I Corinthians 13. The love chapter. The thing he did NOT do was turn it into some sickly, syrupy, sentimental garbage about marriage and all that crap. He talked about the problems in that church and showed the issues and struggles they were facing as they tried to live out their faith. He made those people Paul was talking about come alive for us. And in the middle of all those other chapters he presented is with this picture of love. We have been studying about "What is Church?" Basically the idea, that as the community of Jacob's Well...who are we? To each other, to strangers, to our community, to our friends, with in and with out. We are Church...but what is that?

After walking us through this idea of how we must relate to each other, that selfless giving, the air of love that all action needs to survive and be worth something, he stopped and started asking questions about us.

1. To be a part of Jacob's it true you have to abandon all PC products and swear complete and total allegiance to all Apple products, forsaking all others? (that one was damn funny)

2. If Jesus came to our church...would he wear skinny jeans like our urban hipsters or just normal clothes? (this got a good laugh out of Micah and that whole crowd of trend setters, the fashionable shabby, as I call them)

3. Are we Republican or Democrat, Libertarian or Apolitical?

4. Where do we stand on Social Justice and helping the poor?

5. Why do people keep talking about leaving their safe comfort zones and ministering to others in very real need?

6. Are we really an Emergent Church?

7.What are our corporate beliefs? What do we really stand for?

And then he brought up a question I had been hoping and praying would be addressed in front of the church. It is something certainly discussed at times in our small groups and among friends, but even in a place as open and truth seeking as we are, not something one hears in a Sunday Message.

8. Here at Jacob's do we support, minister to and stand with the gay people in our community, in our city and here in our Church body? What does the Bible really say about homosexuality?

You could have heard a pin drop.

He just stood there and looked around at us all. Us gay guys and girls know who we are. We are out to those we are comfortable with at the church, but I really wonder sometimes if the group as a whole know what a refuge and sanctuary Jacob's Well has become to those of us who have been kicked out, trampled, passed aside and ignored by so many other mainstream "christian" denominations?

Do they really know how many of us there are?

Would it matter if they did?

What DOES our church think about being gay?

I have never felt so accepted and loved in a group of believers as I did that moment. Sure, he did not answer the questions today and there is always the possibility that I man not agree with the stance my Church takes on the Bible and my sexual orientation and practice.

He went on to speak of our diversity as a whole. So many different races, ethnic groups, social and economic classes, sexual orientation, family and marriage status, differing beliefs on the Bible. All of these things where we are not like each other is what makes us strong. We all have a voice and a place at the table. If we were all the same, we would not be able to minister effectively to the world around us and the communities we each are a part of. Jesus NEVER asked for clones in suits and ties going door-to-door and talking in some "Christianese

I want to hear what they believe as a group. We are going to have conversations and Bible studies on this and all these varied topics! We no longer have to be silent. Questions and different opinions are welcome! To simply be acknowledged in a place of faith, with people who love me and support me, not matter what simply brought a place of hope and light on a day when I so desperately needed it.

Jesus loves me, THIS I know...for the Bible tells me so.

After leaving church I went and hung out with my buddies at a friends place. Had a few beers, cooked out on the grill and watched the Chiefs lose to a bunch of screaming and shouting. Sitting there in the den, surrounded by a bunch of guys in jerseys, cheering their lungs out and faces off for their favorite team I realized something.

We are just like you. You are just like us. In Christ, there is no Jew or Greek, no male or gay or straight. We are His kids.

When are we going to start loving each other like family?

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Early in the morning

I find myself rising more early each day. As if somehow, by starting my day when it is still dark will allow me to miss less of this life. There has been no alarm clock waking me, or noises, simply my body telling me it needs less sleep that I had become accustomed to. Kind of strange how our internal clocks can be reset at different times of our lives, depending on activity and circumstance. I think part of this may be the stress I am under while enacting a pretty radical life change in my patterns and relationships.

Sundays have always been one of my favorite days. It seems to be a time set aside for a collective sigh of relief and a slowing of our lives to enjoy those around us, worship if so inclined, a time of rest and leisure that this country still has yet to shed with all the vestiges of the past Puritanical era that has held grip and sway on collective minds since the 1600's. I find it ironic that the Pilgrims and Puritans who came here for religious freedom did not practice such in their colonies. There was a tax if you were to miss church or not tithe the recommended amount and some went as far as to cut the ears off of Quakers. Many others, over the years, were killed as a result of believing anything different than the accepted status quo. Seems like not much has changed, as the "religious right" feels that freedom of religion should only be extended to those who believe as they do. A Wiccan church can be granted tax free status as a church but gay Christians are still relegated to hell for being an abomination? So confusing all these faiths that jostle around for attention...and dollars. Don't forget that! God is really bad with money, He always needs just a little more. (hope you realize I am kidding)

Popped my neck this morning in bed and now it hurts. I wasn't really awake yet and stretched really hard, arching my back and *snap* something in the base of my neck let go and now...OW! Oh well. guess I better start getting used to feeling more pain in life. I know I certainly haven't had much in comparison to others I know. My life has been pretty pain free physically. My body has always done what is asked of it, without complaining, but lately, the aches take longer to go away after a work out, the good burn from a long run seems to settle in deeper and those "Ahhhhhs" when stretching are starting to turn into "Owwwwws"! Hmm...must be one of the perks of getting a bit older. I am not liking it one bit!

Switched to decaf for my morning "coffee before coffee shop" coffee. That might make me a little more At least this stuff tastes the same, but I can tell it doesn't have that jolt that I so often crave. I wonder if I am addicted to coffee? I am not sure, I guess. I never tried to quit.

Still not speaking to my Dad.

Wonder what I will wear today? It is getting cooler in the mornings and evenings with the top down. Feels good to break out the fall clothes, though long pants and jeans feel weird on my legs. So do the extra layers on my arms and body, but I do love the crisp fall weather.

Hmm...guess I do no have much on my mind this morning. At least, not on the surface. Life could be better, it could be worse. Still in this holding pattern of waiting for school to start and trying to fill my time with quality things and people. Much harder to do without getting into trouble. Oh well, Happy Sunday!


Friday, October 8, 2010

Surprise Party!!!

This video totally cheered me up and made me laugh! Do NOT attempt to watch this if you are drinking any liquids, eating food, are in a quiet environment or shaving your balls. :)


Facing Walls

Yesterday was a life altering day. It started simply enough, but the ensuing drama and aftermath has greatly changed the way that I view my Dad and strangely colors my perspective on my past.

I went over to my parents house to see them, hang out a bit during some free time and somehow a normal conversation with him turned into an ugly shouting match with him stalking me around his house, tearing the life I have built for myself into shreds. How powerful words can be, and how sad to see what depression, loneliness and bitterness in mans life can cause him to do to those he professes to love.

Without many specifics being revisited, as they are painful, my Dad obviously now has reached a position in his life where all the ills of this country and mankind have to be blamed on a scapegoat. He has usually picked the government or liberal minded people as his targets, but somehow this has now shifted to me and all the other gay people in the world. We are now the chosen ones for his vilification, hate and venom. This baffles me, as my orientation and relationships have always been a transparent thing with my family since I was a teenager. Suddenly now, I am in the wrong?

His world view is measured by money and his terms of success can always be counted in dollars. He looks in bewilderment at my life and cannot fathom why I would chose a life that is rich and expressive in so many areas, over a life time of mind numbing toil to pile money up and acquire power. I am a successful young man. I have always had a knack at making a buck and have also always been a saver. This gift, I suppose, is what has let me explore the different paths in my life and created the space I need to keep rediscovering myself. I am certainly not destitute nor in any danger financially.

He sees my choice to attend school again, to pursue a passion for culinary arts, as years wasted while I should be making more money and strengthening my position in the world. He has come to a point where the power of a dollar means more to him than the love of a person. His resentment, hate and fear of my orientation has now caused him to regress to a point where I am the enemy now, not only of himself as a person of faith, but of the entire country. I single-handedly, am responsible for the death of a "christian" nation. Pretty amazing stuff, huh?

While this was going on, I kept reassuring him that I loved him, was not upset with him, respected, but disagreed with his position and would still continue to live my life as I was led. I reviewed my accomplishments and success' while acknowledging my shortcomings and the mistakes I had made.

Nothing placated or calmed him. :(

I will not elaborate on all the hateful things that were hurled at me, but it came to a point where I simply had to physically leave his place and was shaking so hard with emotion, rejection and confusion that I pulled over and had to stop driving. I called my Mom and took her to lunch to discuss what is going on with him. It makes no sense and I am very hurt by his words and actions.

This is part of the aging process, I believe, and also may be made worse by the strokes he has had the past few years. It is so hard to not believe what he is saying to me, since I have always valued and respected his opinion as my Dad, as my friend and a mentor. Am I truly an evil and horrible person? Could I be so far wrong about God that I am blinded by what he (my Dad) perceives as sin?

He is simply falling apart and does not have the capacity to truly express what is bothering him. He knows that his family is a safe target due to the fact that, in the past, when we are attacked, the love we have eventually results in forgiveness and peace. He is one to blow up irrationally and then simply act as if nothing has ever happened.  This has always been so unusually cruel to those of us who deal with the aftermath.

The time has come for me to part ways with him and create some space. I do not want to speak to him or even see his face for some time. This hurt is too great. The pain is too vast. The words...I cannot forget. I feel as if a friend has died, somewhere along the way, and I just got the news...way too late.


Thursday, October 7, 2010


October is the cruelest month... mixing memory with desire.

Eyes open, mind not yet awake, body coming to the surface as consciousness breaks slowly. Straining to hold onto that place behind my  closed eyes. Tussled dreams of dark places, twisted metal, smiling faces and wrestling towards something. When I squeeze my eyes shut harder and roll them back into my head, I can feel that space I left, hovering, flitting beneath the surface. It is that which I try to capture here, that which I wish you could hear.

Bound and bond to needs. Finishing  roughly what the dream started, slowly pivoting and grinding. Body mimicking mind gasps. Shooting deep into air metaphorically and physically. Collapsing back as grey light filters in a pause. Deeper centering breathes as the heart slows and that emotional and chemical glow finds me more awake then not now.

Standing over porcelain, aiming tumescence by sound more than sight, back popping comfortably. Clean etched feet on marble, hard floor. A glimpse out of doors to greens and blue. Morning comes early this day. A comfortable shudder and shake, those chills that creep your neck and spine like the slow, strong fingers of a well known lover. Waking up in this body. Neck creaking, arms flexing, putting the plant through its paces. That easing of tension before thought even comes about action.

A sit outside, wind talking in trees. Trees showing the pale undersides of their leaves. Fall following fastly with yet a hint of summers reprieve. A promise of cold snap to come. A prelude of the past meeting today. Mind floats and open hand with arm raises in silent greeting to another who fetches and passes by. A shared smile and rueful expression crosses faces as I greet the morning and others outside in a old friends woolen sweater and my flannel boxers, thankfully not tenting or gaping in pugnacious defiance of propriety.

Return in to calm, quiet domicile, no lights flipped, no machines awoke, no sounds stirred, no break in the silence. Only me padding, feet comfortable on hardwood and stone, clean glass and polished steel reflecting opaque images of the figure that passes by. Why alone this morning? Why not shared this space? Will this always be?

Keeping that place in my head, waiting and wanting. Tripping lightly down memory lane, walking in dappled shadows, all those thoughts that under the mirrored surface never come, missed by internal filters and wrung of humanity before presentation. How to live out that me to others, that person we all are inside and never share, even barely with ourselves. Of unconscious and conscious urges. The sleeping when tired, the eating when hungry, the sexing when aroused, the talking when lonely, the searching when needing, the walking when restless and still it all goes around.

What is this life? Who is this man? Somewhere in this frame resides all that is me, but still feels larger than the sum of each my many strong parts. Will this softness be shared? Will someone out there care? To have and to hold.

Losing like a gossamer filament in the gusting wind. The raising of my mind slow blows it past where I was at. I cannot capture that fancy that lives. Like a wil-o-the-wisp leading me on my way. Just out of reach, my dreams in mid-air seem to fade away, turning day to day, further away.

October is the cruelest month...mixing memory with desire.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Early Morning

Woke this morning sprawled out like a tumbled  intersection amid pillows, sheets and comforters stretching and making some grand gesture to the darkness of my room and yawning like a lion. Not all awake, I padded to the head, took a leak while standing on my head (dang morning wood) and brushed my teefs. The house is cool and gray, the sun not yet making his appearance. Stepped outside onto the patio and stared far up into the black sky of early morning and was dazzled and awed by Orion gleaming to the South, untouched by light pollution and gesturing grandly as well. The Mighty Hunter with his bow. That's how I woke up, I thought. Like a spread eagled man drawing back a huge bow. Sky mirrors bed. Stars echo man. Celestial, terrestrial.


I am ready for this day to commence. Singing songs in my head. Something about needing "you"? Not really sure who the "you" is. Rubbed the sleep from my eyes, splashed the face down, flipped the coffee maker on since I woke up before the timer, came into my office and jacked into life. Caught up on the news, checked a few of my fave sites and decided to write a few things down. Ever have one of those days when your junk is just in the way? Like out in front, flopping and wanting attention? That's my day so far. Grrrrr...

Thoughts kind of jumping around all over today. Hard to concentrate. Keep seeing myself in the new mirror I hung and giving myself weird looks. Who is that silly looking guy in the flannel pj's and fleecy sweatshirt? He looks like a crazy  fuzzy green sheep! But I don't think sheep wear glasses and bare their teeth at teach other, at least not this early in the morning. Lions, sheeps, whatever...

Agenda O' the Day. Get the car inspected and tags renewed, boring. Get coffee at Broadway Cafe and read in the sun, not boring. Fly kite is there is good wind and peeps at the park, better. Find something to fill the rest of the day, possibly exciting.

'Bout time to hop in the shower and get my day going. Guess I will head West first, then East, then South. Complete opposite of the plans I made, but that is what happens when you wake up too early. Feeling pretty good. Ache in the back, but nothing a hot shower and some ibu can't kick. Need to call Michael today too, about dinner or something. Got a cool idea from a friend about blogging. Might start telling some stories from my past, childhood, growing up, coming of age, all that jazz. Sound interesting?

Fall is here. The weather is amazing. Life is good. Wish I have more to say, but I don't. Peace.


Sunday, October 3, 2010

Long drives, leisurely lunches and football.

Today was a great Sunday, albeit started a bit oddly. Woke up with a muscle spasm at 4:30 am which prompted a walk around the neighborhood before sunrise to ease it. I felt incredibly emotionally fragile and out of sorts for some reason, but in retrospect that may have been a combination of stress, meds and lack of real rest due to thoughts, cares and pain the last few days.

Came back in, took a long hot shower and managed to grab a few more hours of sleep before the bright sun peaking in tickled my eyes and warmed me awake. Everything looked just right, but I still felt odd. Like a missingness or something wrongness that I could not put my finger on. So I did what I always do, when in doubt, follow the routine.

Took another shower, got all scrubbed and shaved and finally got to wear a light sweater and one of my fave leather jackets this morning. Dropped the top and took a long drive around the city, slowly circling into my coffee shop, where I arrived a few hours earlier than normal. I had a great book I am devouring and spent my time sipping international brews on ice and reading. Listening to music, watching people. Saw FC, my coffee shop boy crush that I have had for at least 4 years that I never talk to...long story. We stared at each other, smiled and left it at that. I patted his dogs head and nodded. That's about all we ever make of this strange attraction and energy we have sensed all these years. How we both have changed over time since we first caught each other staring at each other through plate glass. Will I ever talk to him again? I doubt it. We kind of like exactly what it is and is not.

Carlton showed up. I called him Toby like I always do and we talked family, kids cars (his) and my simple life. He is a friend from elementary school who I see infrequently but it is always good to catch up on life and check in as the men we have become. He calls me Jarrod, kind of an inside joke, hard to explain, but he is doing well. Was taking his little boy to the Ren Fest today. Is it that time of year already again? time flies. Last time I went was with Stephen and I was worried I was falling in love with him. Turns out I love him, but like a brother, not a boyfriend. Thank God that became simple!

Headed to church and Gerard spoke this morning. Good stuff on community and how we Rest, Pray and Play together as a church. I love hearing him speak in his earnest and straight forward manner. Theologian and seminarian by day, J.Crew sales guy by night and weekend. So well read AND dapper... the whole package, but married to a girl of course. Seems like the girls snap up all the good ones pretty quick. I KID!!!

Headed out after church, still in pain from my back, but enjoying the warm sun and then Stephen called to take me to lunch. I grabbed my meds and met him downtown at Pizza Bella, which was closed, so we headed over to D'Bronx and chowed down on some great eats. I had the meatball sub and antipasto small plate and he has some cheese sampler and couple slices. Great talks about what has been going on our lives since we hit Colorado and the ways we are growing and are in need of support and prayer. I love that guy. Ended up strolling around the 39th street corridor, window shopping and talking, kind of like a date, but just between buds. Hard to explain. I don't see him in a romantic or sexual light, but a close and dear friend he is. So cool he is comfortable in his own skin and doesn't shirk from talking about anything at all with me.

He needed to go cook for tonights group and I decided to head over to my parents to check on them. Ended up that Mom was kind of down physically, so ran to the grocery store for her, cooked some dinner for my Dad and then watched the NFL game with him. Kind of nice to just sit and talk about nothing more than sports and what we have planned for the weeks. I know retirement for him has not been easy and he has a lot on his plate, emotionally, spiritually and physically. He just hasn't been the same lately, but at least we are getting on better after some rough patches. He will always be my Dad and I love him, come what may.

So now back at home, sitting with my feet up, ice pack in my back and planning this next week. Got therapy for my back all week, hope that does some wonders. My doc is so hot, doesn't help, doesn't He does good stuff for me and is certainly helping with the pain. Have some consulting jobs lined up to fill time and give me something to do. More brains than brawn. Hope to get more reading in this week and catching up on some things I have neglected around the house and grounds. All in is good. I think I can get used to this.


PS: Pretty boring life right now, eh? I don't mind it. Drama free = more smiles. :D

Saturday, October 2, 2010

Rest is good, except for all the thinking

Welp...home alone on Saturday night taking it easy and watching British comedies when I was supposed to be out to dinner with Michael and what not. He called and left me a message asking if we were still on for the evening, which baffled me, because we did not have plans to my knowledge. I called him back and asked what was up and he said we spoke yesterday and made plans for dinner out on the town. After a really odd and uncomfortable talk we decided to get together this next week and I hung up thinking I was losing my mind.

After checking my call logs on my land line and cell phones I realized, he couldn't have called me and I know that I didn't call him. What was all that about? I'm so confused and now I look like the crazy one. Guess maybe he thought that he had called me since he had planned to? I don't know, after not communicating on a daily basis for awhile, it did feel a bit awkward talking to him. He says he is doing well but he sounded a bit off, if you know what I mean? Oh well, staying in and resting my back will probably do me good.

The last couple days being laid up has given me entirely too much time to think about stuff and kind of left me in a strange mood. Kind of revisiting my past and wondering about all the decisions I have made. The guys I have dated, shared life with, slept with. The schools, the Navy, all the cities I have lived in. Sometimes I wonder if I chose anything at all and life is just kind of happening to me. Is this all there is sometimes? Just making money to buy crap?

I really have missed love today. Watched a film about Cole Porters life, which then led me to listening to all his music on love and relationships and kind of made my heart twitch. Call me an old fashioned romantic, but I want that kind of love in my life. Some other guy who will say "I do" back to me in front of God, family and friends and that I can love and cherish for as long as we both shall live. *Sigh* I want someone I can dance in the dark with to slow music and hold when we are alone...

Guess I just feel a bit melancholy this evening. Part of it is the medicine I know. Part of it was not choosing to go out with Michael. I do miss him so much sometimes. I want to be loved again and have someone to care for and now my back is jacked up and I am stuck moving at a slower pace and the pain freakin pisses me off.

I guess I sound like some whiney boy but it does suck donkey balls at the moment! I am ready for church tomorrow. Ready for my phone to ring. Ready to meet Mr. Right. Ready for school to start. Ready for something new and different.

Guess I am just waiting for something to happen. I just don't know what.

In the still of the night...

Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot, who calls you back when you hang up on him, who will lie under the stars and listen to your heartbeat, or will stay awake just to watch you sleep... wait for the boy who kisses your forehead, who wants to show you off to the world when you are in your sweats, who holds your hand in front of his friends, who thinks you're just as handsome without shaving and when you have bed head and morning breath. One who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares and how lucky his is to have you.... The one who turns to his friends and says, 'that's him.'