Sunday, April 29, 2012

Got to run!

I do not have the time to write this morning. I surely wish that I did. I must leave the house in 2 minutes exactly to keep to my schedule. Much work to follow but I hope to return this evening and get some thoughts down before tomorrow. I am well and enjoying this beautiful, rainy day. Truly, I am. It smells like Spring and new life. Have a peaceful Sunday, everyone. :)


PS: This shows what I would rather be doing this morning... *sigh*

Thursday, April 26, 2012

How to be a Man

A man carries cash.

A man looks out for those around him — men, women, friend, stranger.

A man can cook eggs. A man can always find something good to watch on television.

A man makes things — a rock wall, a table, the tuition money. Or he rebuilds — engines, watches, fortunes. He passes along expertise, one man to the next. Know-how survives him. This is immortality.

A man can speak to dogs.

A man fantasizes that Kung Fu lives deep inside him somewhere.

A man knows how to sneak a look at the object of his desire and doesn't care if he gets busted once in a while.

A man is good at his job. Not his work, not his avocation, not his hobby. Not his career. His job. It doesn't matter what his job is, because if a man doesn't like his job, he gets a new one.

A man can look you up and down and figure some things out. Before you say a word, he makes you. From your suitcase, from your watch, from your posture. A man infers.

A man owns up. That's why Mark McGwire is not a man. A man grasps his mistakes. He lays claim to who he is, and what he was, whether he likes them or not.

Some mistakes, though, he lets pass if no one notices. Like dropping the steak in the dirt.

A man loves the human body, the revelation of nakedness. He loves the sight of a bare chest, the physics of the human skeleton, the alternating current of the flesh. He is thrilled by the legs, by the firm torso, the sight of broad shoulders. He likes the stretch of a taut leg. When his guy bends to pick up his underwear, he feels that thrum that only a man can feel.*

A man doesn't point out that he did the dishes.

A man looks out for children. Makes them stand behind him.

A man knows how to bust balls.

A man has had liquor enough in his life that he can order a drink without sounding breathless, clueless, or obtuse. When he doesn't want to think, he orders bourbon or something on tap.

Never the sauvignon blanc.

A man welcomes the coming of age. It frees him. It allows him to assume the upper hand and teaches him when to step aside.

Maybe he never has, and maybe he never will, but a man figures he can knock someone, somewhere, on his ass.

He does not rely on rationalizations or explanations. He doesn't winnow, winnow, winnow until truths can be humbly categorized, or intellectualized, until behavior can be written off with an explanation. He doesn't see himself lost in some great maw of humanity, some grand sweep. That's the liberal thread; it's why men won't line up as liberals.

A man gets the door. Without thinking.

He stops traffic when he must.

A man resists formulations, questions belief, embraces ambiguity without making a fetish out of it. A man revisits his beliefs. Continually. That's why men won't forever line up with conservatives, either.

A man knows his tools and how to use them — just the ones he needs. Knows which saw is for what, how to find the stud, when to use galvanized nails.

A miter saw, incidentally, is the kind that sits on a table, has a circular blade, and is used for cutting at precise angles. Very satisfying saw.

A man knows how to lose an afternoon. Drinking, playing Grand Theft Auto, driving aimlessly, shooting pool.

He knows how to lose a month, also.

A man listens, and that's how he argues. He crafts opinions. He can pound the table, take the floor. It's not that he must. It's that he can.

A man is comfortable being alone. Loves being alone, actually. He sleeps.
Or he stands watch. He interrupts trouble. This is the state policeman. This is the poet. Men, both of them.

A man loves driving alone most of all.

Style — a man has that. No matter how eccentric that style is, it is uncontrived. It's a set of rules.

He understands the basic mechanics of the planet. Or he can close one eye, look up at the sun, and tell you what time of day it is. Or where north is. He can tell you where you might find something to eat or where the fish run. He understands electricity or the internal-combustion engine, the mechanics of flight or how to figure a pitcher's ERA.

A man does not know everything. He doesn't try. He likes what other men know.
A man can tell you he was wrong. That he did wrong. That he planned to. He can tell you when he is lost. He can apologize, even if sometimes it's just to put an end to the bickering.

A man does not wither at the thought of dancing. But it is generally to be avoided.

A man watches. Sometimes he goes and sits at an auction knowing he won't spend a dime, witnessing the temptation and the maneuvering of others. Sometimes he stands on the street corner watching stuff. This is not about quietude so much as collection. It is not about meditation so much as considering.

A man refracts his vision and gains acuity. This serves him in every way. No one taught him this — to be quiet, to cipher, to watch. In this way, in these moments, the man is like a zoo animal: both captive and free. You cannot take your eyes off a man when he is like that. You shouldn't.

The hell if you know what he is thinking, who he is, or what he will do next.


* I exercised a bloggers license to change this paragraph to reflect my own sexual orientation. The original article is heteronormative and that did not work for me. :)


All Men can be Heroes...

“All men can be heroes. All men can be husbands. End marriage discrimination.”

- Please share this great PSA produced by our British allies

Early morning

I think that I slept too much last night. I found myself in bed at 9:30 pm after a very full day of exploring, drinking coffee, catching up on my reading, sitting in the sun, playing in the park, going for a run, hanging out with Bruce and Mark and an amazing cook out at their beautiful home. (I know, a run on sentence...bite me!)

Laying there this morning was an unusual pleasure. I woke up about 2.5 hours before my alarm and just let myself doze. I would wake up again, roll over, adjust my pillows, watch for the sun and then drift back to sleep. I still managed to get up 30 minutes before the alarm went off and took a walk outside enjoying the cool air, the singing birds and padding around barefoot in the grass.

Today will be a day of work and already I can hear my coffee brewing though its scent has yet to reach me here at my desk down the hall. I know it will be a long day but I feel like my brain is working again and I have the strength and energy to jump all over my tasks like a howler monkey hopped up on Pixie Sticks and Mountain Dew. Okay, maybe that is a bit of hyperbole, but I am feeling pretty good right now, considering where my heart and mind have been wandering lately.

I think there is something wrong with my guy hormones cause I can't seem to get off enough, Like seriously, three times this morning already, and it certainly wasn't due to boredom. I feel like with each passing day my sex drive keeps getting amped up more and I am somehow regressing back to my teenage years where I felt compelled to run around humping anything and everything that moved, provided it was a guy, of course. Can they test for that kind of thing? I know that being single has an effect on me that I cannot say I am fond of but I am in no mood to randomly hook up with a buddy just to get my rocks off. Kind of stuck am I. I know that I am craving intimacy and touch. I certainly have been skin hungry lately. Maybe I am just over thinking it all, but perpetual wood is certainly an annoyance at times.

I had a great talk with Bruce yesterday about everything that is going on and he brought his high powered perception and excellent advice to the table once again. There is much that he tells me that he sees in myself and my choices that I do not like but that is probably due to the fact that the truth often hurts and my flippant denials or humorous deflections seem to slide right off him and he has that uncanny ability to bore right into the heart of the matter and ask the questions that I avoid. In short, it was good practice for talking to my doctor this Monday and helped me to leave their home knowing that I am truly loved and cared for by those guys. I am very thankful for them.

So where does that leave me today? Well, I am hungry, so I will cook myself some breakfast. I need to shower and shave and throw my clothes on for another long day in the kitchen. More training with my new guys will be happening and I need to make sure I am on point and hitting on all eight cylinders. I am sure that a long hard shower, scrub and coffee will do the trick. Daniel texted me yesterday and told me he missed me and invited me to hang out, talk some stuff over and get back with the group of friend that I have been absent from. I was kind of surprised actually that he reached out, as we have never been all that close. Maybe he talked to Lucas and figured out some of the reasons I had been avoiding my pack. I need to give him a call later but hearing from him and his words made me smile and feel better. Childish, I know, but it is nice to know that one is missed. I have to wonder sometimes.

So that's where I am at. I am going to try to keep writing each day here, even if I have nothing momentous or of great import or depth to say. I need to keep communicating and this is one medium that has always brought me a measure of relief and peace. Read it if you like or just enjoy the pictures. Either way matters not to me but if you do read things here and something strikes you, please tell me if you care to share. Others perspectives have become more important to me lately and I could certainly use all the help I can get. Have a day!


Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Word spew

I woke up this morning early. Way before my alarm, in fact. Random thoughts in my head about a new coffee shop that I would like to go back to. Memories of a friend who introduced me to it and the conversations we have shared. Laid there for a bit, which is highly unusual, as I typically hit the floor as soon as I am awake. Had the normal morning hornies, so took care of that. Got out of bed and puttered around for a bit. Drank some tea for a change. I can kill an entire pitcher of iced tea in a day if I let myself do so. Walked around a bit outside in the cool dark and enjoyed looking at all my plants that are thriving so well this Spring. I need to go pick up an Apple Fritter from the neighborhood bakery and take it to Bernice. She is my adopted gramma who is now 98 years old this year. I haven't been over to see her for a week or so and need to catch up on how she is doing and share some time. I love her so much.

Things (and by things, I mean my life) has been increasingly odd these past few months. Career is going well. I am keeping up with all the typical things that need done each day, but my free time spent and mental/emotional state has left a lot to be desired. That could explain my lack of motivation for sharing. I tend to keep the bad news and less than flattering decisions I make to myself. A couple thoughts have hit my brain this morning. What do I need? What am I looking for? What am I scared of?

In the last week I have spent two nights away from my home. One evening and day at Michael's house and the other at my friend Bruce's home. Both were full of contemplation and conversation from two very different perspectives on myself, but full of good truth and advice, which I solicited for a change. The end result is the fact that I will be seeing a professional this next Monday for the first time in my entire life, to discuss all these things in my head and heart that I have been carrying for oh, so very long.

I didn't even want to admit that. Not even here on my blog, where I have spilled my guts countless times. I hate not being that Rock that everyone turns to. I have an amazing life, but it is far from perfect and the ways that I have been coping with circumstances, events and pain have ceased to work. In short, internally and externally I have become more dysfunctional and I am finally at the place where I realize (though do NOT like) that I need some help sorting out this tangled knot in my soul.

Today is a day off for me, which I always enjoy but also feels me with some dread. I tend to wander around my city and get into trouble, make poor decisions and then regret no longer being the person who used to find such amazing joy in all of life's simple pleasures. I take increasingly larger risks, chase adrenaline and tend to err on the side of walking the edge of the cliff. I am reacting in life instead of choosing to act and its effects are becoming more apparent to my friends and family, even with all my careful walls that I have erected with my space created and time. The more minutes I spend with people, the more of me that they see, so as a consequence, I tend to take them in increasingly smaller doses in order to protect myself and them from what I perceive to be truth.

Rambling. I realize this, but it does feel good to get some words down. I am unsure what I am going to do today, but I need something. I need someone. I am searching for something. I wish I know what that was. I ran into my ex in a parking lot the other night and that strange animalistic, chemical attraction is still there for the both of us, as we instantly flung ourselves at each other and started making out without even a courteous greeting. Why do we still effect each other so? Now I fear we are even more confused about the healthy choices we are trying to make. We exist as a catalyst for each other that lets ourselves lose each other in the other one. We parted ways and have barely spoken since. That is how we met and that is how we still feel. Maybe we should never have dated and merely been buddies? I do not know.

Summer is right around the corner. The car is clean. The top is down. I am going to finish this iced tea, stop writing, go cut my hair, shower up and get out into the world. I wonder what I will find today? I wonder who will find me? I want to finish this book I have been poking at for a few days. I know I will end up at my coffee shop. Prolly go play in the park, fly my kite, go for a run and then...?

I wish I was doing better. Hopefully soon, I will be.


Tuesday, April 24, 2012


Dear Blogger,

Your new interface you have forced upon me sucks so much donkey dick. And I don't mean that in a good way. Seriously, I hate you.


Wednesday, April 18, 2012

It doesn't get better! (for people who hate gays)

My friend Jeff sent me this morning and I had to share it. Get ready for a smile and laugh or two! :P


Plan of the Day

1. Sleep in. Check.
2. Take care of morning wood. Check.
3. Pee. Check.
4. Take first cup of coffee outside and watch the Sun rise through the trees. Check.
5. Stretch out and exercise. Check.
6. Make plan of the Day. Working.
7. Wash and wax the car.
8. Take top off the car.
9. Trim the hedges and groom the landscaping and flower beds.
10. Head to local Library. Get new books to read.
11. Flirt with cute library guys.
12. Go to Coffee Shop and start new book, listen to music and enjoy the view.
13. Jewelry store to pick up new Titanium tension mount diamond ring.
14. Try on and lust after the Nixon 51-30 white face, stainless chronograph.
15. Talk myself out of buying said watch.
16. Browse the antique stores.
17. Go to the Bunker and pick out a pair of new Pumas or Adidas.
18. Buy new shoes in lieu of the watch I have wanted for three years.
19. Convince myself that this was the sensible option.
20. Wear new shoes out the door and walk around Westport grinning like a kid.
21. Skip.
22. Go to the Nelson Atkins Art Museum and peruse the priceless art.
23. Pretend that I live there and am allowing people to visit.
24. Have lunch in Rozzelle Court and imagine I am an Italian shipping magnate in my villa on the Adriatic Sea.
25. Fly kite on the South Lawn of the Nelson.
26. Smile at the sky and take my shirt off.
27. Pick up a pizza and some wings and head over to Michael's house.
28. Eat dinner with him and cuddle on the couch while watching a movie and playing with his dogs.
29. Head to bed.
30. Count myself truly blessed before nodding off to sleep.


Tuesday, April 17, 2012

One step at a time

I should have words. I write every day. It is something I do. I communicate with others and still, each day as I visit my space here, nothing seems to strike me. So much has transpired since last I put my thoughts down, but the jumbled and disjointed fragments and ideas in my head will not come. I feel at a literary impasse. Is this what writer's block is?

That will not do.

I shall start with the known. Work is going well and taking up much of my time. Within less than a month at my new company, I have been promoted through the ranks and now lead my culinary team. I would like to think that this is all based on  my hard work and amazing leadership skills, but in all actuality, my success has been based on those with more seniority and ability leaving the company, thus creating space for me at the top. I guess I was in the right place at the right time?

The only detriment that this has caused is my obligation and commitment to this project has greatly increased and I find myself each day drawn to new challenges of schedule and balance. I feel like I live in my kitchen now and never know what to expect each day. In the last week alone, I have made plans no less than five times with Brian, friends, family or church and had them fall through, due to my schedule changing, the hours becoming longer and the irresponsibility and lack of follow through from my young staff. It is so hard to break my word to those I care about, but I am left in a place that I do not know what to do. Dinner plans, cancelled. Camping trip, cancelled. Movies, plays, events, free time...all cancelled.

Believe me, I know how to say "no" but this is not the time and place for it. I pick my battles and understand that this huge shift in the way we do business and care for our customers can only be successful if we invest the time, money and resources into it. I see it as a challenge and know that this is but for a season, but this space and time is so very hard.

In theory, I have the next two days off for myself and to catch up on life. I write that with a wry grin on my face, as I sit here ready to go into work on my day off. I was supposed to have the last two days off and was promised nothing would change that. It changed. So I do not have my hopes up too high. Such is life, I suppose but I am incredibly thankful for a management team that realizes and values the sacrifices I am making and supports me in every way that they can. I just wish they would stop assassinating my dreams of a balanced and normal life. If we can get through these next ninety days unscathed and successful, I will really be able to enjoy the place and position I find myself in.

In short, work is eating my life. I am stressed but treading water. I will be a success in this. This IS what I have chosen and I will accomplish everything I have determined to achieve. I have to keep telling myself this.

As for all the other things in my life? I am struggling mightily with decisions, emotions, faith and every other possible thing you can think of. My needs are met. My bills are paid. I am saving money, am fed and rested and am starting each day with a brave smile on my face and spring in my step. I just need to get through this patch and then I can relax a bit. I so hope I do get two days off. Working seven days a week over and over and over is getting a bit trying. I need some "me" time, then I can make space for "all of you and us" time.

"The pessimist sees the problems in every opportunity. Whereas the optimist sees the opportunity in every problem...
"Never give in, never give in, never; never; never; never - in nothing, great or small, large or petty - never give in except to convictions of honor and good sense"
 Winston Churchill


Thursday, April 12, 2012

Looking within

I woke up early this morning and still have not left the house. Something seems unfinished or, as of yet, undone. So I am taking a moment to gather my thoughts before I enjoy this day off.

The skies are gray this morning. Low clouds and cool temperatures have lured me back into the sweater stacks from the armoir and I have chosen something in charcoal wool with leather wrapped toggles to ward off the chill I feel on my skin, as well as in my heart.

I have had time to reflect on an emotional crisis I found myself swirling in a few nights past. Unsure am I as to what may have triggered the flood of tears and emotion, but a long nights talk with a friend and two evenings of rest have somewhat settled me back into space where I can attempt to wrest success from the arms of uncertainty, confusion, pain and defeat.

Depression is not something that ever finds me long but I do experience a certain amount of agony over dark spaces and circumstances from my past. Events beyond my control that have been carefully packed away sometimes loom ever near and I am learning that it may possibly be time to examine them with some more objective help than my own musings and ponderings.

Answers, I have few. Questions, I have many. Today I will spend time with music, books, art and strangers. I aim to put some miles on my feet today and hope that in my wanderings a certain solitude and tranquility can be found. I will walk old and new paths. My pen is ready and the pages blank are many. I am somewhat anxious as to what I may find residing in my soul.

Contemplation and self examination are the uniform of the day. I will let you know how it goes with me.

You must not blame me if I do talk to the clouds.  ~Henry David Thoreau


To Whom it may concern:

In promulgating your esoteric cogitations or articulating your superficial sentimentality's and amicable, philosophical or psychological observations, beware of platitudinous ponderosity.

Let your conversational communications demonstrate a clarified conciseness, a compact comprehensibleness, no coalescent conglomerations of precious garrulity, jejune bafflement and asinine affectations.

May your extemporaneous verbal evaporation's and expatriation's have lucidity, intelligibility and veracious vivacity without rodomontade or Thespian bombast.

Sedulously avoid all polysyllabic profundity, pompous propensity, psittaceous vacuity, ventriloquial verbosity and vaniloquent vapidity. Shun double entendres, obnoxious jocosity and pestiferous profanity...observable or apparent.



Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Stand up!

Open your eyes. Engage your heart. Stand up!


PS: This one makes my eyes leak every time...

Monday, April 9, 2012

"Unwanted" Same Sex Attraction?

I'll be honest. The first 1000 (approximate) times I heard this phrase, I thought (knew) it was total and complete utter horseshit, to be honest. I figured it was some "christianese" coined by some "counselor" in order to help religious gay guys put some label on their denial of identity and self loathing. (built into them by their blind faith in some teachers interpretation of the Bible)  AKA " God hates the gays. Don't be gay or Jesus won't love you. He also wants to burn you with fire..." Same song second verse...a little louder a little worse.

 I believed this, that is I did until I flipped the tables on myself. Divesting myself of faith based religious dogma, rhetoric and and learned information (IE basically other peoples utter rubbish) I wondered...

If I,  a gay guy, suddenly found/learned/discovered within myself an urge to date/fuck/lust/desire/marry/sire with/etc.. a female, what the hell would I do?

I would  go completely ape shit. Like bonkers. Everything in me would be turned upon itself. Right is left. Black is white. Up is down. Girls are boys. Literally, it would freak my ass out. (sorry for profanity, but I would certainly be cursing the day I was born and lived if this occurred) Me, a person completely devoted to all things male loving the fish? "OH HELL NO!", he replied. we are with a dilemma. Either the "christian" guys with "SSA" are in this special sect (as of yet, not defined, studied or classified) of heterosexual guys who discover an anomaly in themselves and attempt to resolve it and can't reconcile it with their "faith" OR they are just big homos like the rest of us and want some cock and ass (or guy on guy loving)  and can't figure out how to fit that into their lives. It seems to revolve around "SEX" for them. Basically cock, ass and guy faggotry. (sorry, couldn't resist)

Funny thing is isn't about sex. Guys have sex with guys. They aren't gay. They are having sex with guys. Gay = who you emotionally, spiritually and romantically bond with as a gender. (as I live and understand it)

For instance, in the "christian" world, we never hear about gay guys (or girls) having UOSA. Unwanted Opposite Sex Attraction. Right? Sounds like total bullshit again...

So, what the hell is going on?

Get the fuck over it! You like dick? Fine. You want some pussy? Fine. Just don't try to color your attractions in some better light in order to make yourself palatable to a religious group. Call it like it is. Who cares who you love or fuck? (or get fucked by) We all have stuff we don't like about ourselves. That doesn't make us "sinners", or better or worse than our peers. Man the fuck up and be honest and stop hiding behind acronyms. That shit is for faggots. Literally.(I know. I was in the Navy)

So what is it? Is SSA a "christian" cultural phenom of the climate OR a real occurrence in str8 guys? (who happen to be "christian" 9 times out of 9) Seems like real guys who have questions or confusions sort that stuff out on their own...

Just wondering...


Friday, April 6, 2012


Dear Joe,

Sorry to use the term "Christian" in reference to myself. My apologies. Eat a dick.


Wednesday, April 4, 2012


Damn it all! Inspiration always strikes most hotly when time is of the essence and duty and obligation force us to choose between what is best and what is convenient. I am choosing to express, albeit briefly something that has occurred to me this moment. While it is not some lightening epiphany as I have had in times past, the clarity with which I am able to see it in my mind gives rise to the urgent need to capture it at least in part, before the rising light of activity and day make it fade away all the sooner.

I am the Master of Denial.*

I know that that may sound like a bold statement but let me give you a simple example. Some other humans, due to their beliefs, conscience or internal morality say that activity/choice ______ is morally incorrect. This statement of theirs resonates within me as truth and I am inclined to believe them, not out of their position in my life or some group think ideal, but rather the fact that yes, I actually agree with their statement that activity/choice _______ is not a correct and moral thing for me to engage in for all manner of various and detailed reasons.

Problem. I love activity/choice _______. It brings me pleasure. It is instant gratification and long term enjoyment. It ensures that I can do exactly as I please. It makes me happy. The risk and rewards seem to either balance each other or at least be skewed heavily in my favor. (also a form of denial as I carry out this line of reasoning to a fault even if the risk and rewards are greatly against me to the point of being self destructive or harmful to others, emotionally, physically and spiritually)

Solution. Complete denial. I simply wipe the slate clean. I announce to myself, and sometimes to them and others, that they are wrong. I do not believe them. I do not believe what I feel inside myself. I do not believe any of it. Choice/activity ______ holds no moral, ethical, social, spiritual, emotional or physical load. It is simply inert. Since I want to make that choice or be involved in that activity, I choose to make no judgement about it at all. I will delay all examination of such activity/choice till a later date. (read never)

And then I go and do as I please. I live by a simple code. Do what I want, with what I have, where I am. It seems to have worked so far famously.

I live my life exactly as I see fit, each and every day, doing whatever I want, however I want with no thought or concern about what it is doing to myself, my family, my friends, my peers, the one. I am completely free.

One small problem. The combined weight of all this denial is crushing me. I am running out of time and places to stack all these things I have to consider some day. Denial has suddenly caught up with the present and my past, future and present are all smashing together into singular moments in time and my only course of comfort is to live with increasingly more reckless abandon. I used to do this quietly, even internally, (denial) but the volume keeps getting turned up louder in my head, heart and reality the more increasingly desperate I get. I have used this tool my entire life. It works with amazing precision and power. The word "No" is an incredible tool. I have said "No" to them and "Yes" to myself with fantastic results. (fantastic doesn't always mean good)

I know this is selfish. I know this is self destructive and for me, right now, in this brief moment, I know it is wrong for me. It is not healthy. It has to stop.


*Or, possibly, Denial is MY Master? This thought occurred to me in the shower a few minutes ago. My friend told me yesterday that that I "have no guile" and he found that refreshing. He was commenting on the fact that not only do I live my life as I see fit, I have no qualms about sharing the facts of my past and present as well as future plans with the people that I love and trust. Does this mean I have no conscience, whatsoever? Or, does the very fact that this bother me illustrate the fact that I do have some type of internal conscience? I really have no idea at the moment and I have to head out the door. My grandfather clock just chimed and I must dash. I hope to come back later today and explore this a bit. What are YOUR thoughts on this? drh

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Day of relaxing

Nothing better than hanging out and catching up with a friend. Having a great day!


Words have power.

Random thought. This happens to be my 600th post. That is hard to believe but I also need to say what I came here to say.

I had the day off and I woke up early. Got ready, put the top down, went for a drive into the city. Hit my coffee shop. Read and listening to music. Grabbed lunch and beer with a friend. Came home and worked in the yard. Took a nap. Had dinner. Watched KU lose the championship and now I can't sleep. Sounds nice and normal, right?

Wrong. During the day I found something I considered to be true as well as humorous and I posted it on my FB wall. That is when the shit hit the fan. I wont repost it here, because I think it really did do some damage and hurt some of my friends and family. Before the game started tonight, I had received no less than 6 phone calls about it from concerned family, friends and people that I know. How wrong I was to think that someone would see it as I did. I have apologized since, not only by phone but on my FB wall. I never meant to hurt anyone, or maybe I did. I meant to say something and I did and that is what hurt people.

Words have power.

I bet you can remember the best compliments you ever received. I know I can. I remember AJ telling me that I have a beautiful body. I will never forget the good things people I care for or complete strangers have shared with me about myself. We also do not forget the words of hurt, of pain, of condemnation, hate and disgust. What we say and what others say alters reality and literally changes our lives and our space here.

What I posted and said hurt people I care about. I wish I could take it back, but it is done. All that I can do is move forward with a valuable lesson learned. I do not want to silence my voice. I will not take away from this that I must keep my peace but I am not highly away that how I express my opinion about anything in life should be considered before it is thrown out there. My words, like other peoples, have power and what I choose to say needs to reflect the best I have to offer and bring peace and life to those who hear them.

To those of you who communicated with me today, my sincere thanks and deepest apologies. It takes ears and eyes other than my own to fill in the missing parts of the picture that I am often blind to. Please forgive me. I can do better and have more to offer. For your patience and understanding as I grow and learn, much thanks.