Thursday, March 31, 2011

Simple thoughts on Boy vs. Man

Today was a long day. I guess it has been a while since I have visited my blog to post some thoughts and tonight is as good a time as any. Much has been going on in my life. While the details of each day may seem like any other week or so, the things that I have been mulling over and pondering have left me in a somewhat different place than times prior.

I have had some really good conversations with friends and family lately that have posed more questions at times than answers, but in the looking and examining of it all, I have found some interesting conclusions. I guess the most simple way to state it all, without too much confusion and word posturing, is that I have been wondering about how I became the "Me" I am now. The person I am now versus the person that I was. How did this all come about? What do I like about the now version of me, and what do I miss about the older version of me from my past.

Now the basics are rather simple. I have been formed and shaped by the experiences I have had in the time spent at private school, at the different church's I grew up in, by my choices and circumstances in college, the years spent in the Navy, the travels around this country and the world, my friends and family, the relationships with the guys I have loved and been loved by, the book read, the music listened to...all of these things and countless more pieces of life have made me into the Daemon I am now. What is fantastic about it? What are the parts that I would like to see some change in? What parts of me do I still find as baffling as I did when I first discovered them?

This is not some exercise in self examination just to spend more time on my favorite subject, but rather trying to put together a coherent pattern of life events that have shaped me into the man I am now. How the boy Daemon became the man Daemon. Not so easy, huh?

I know I put too much emphasis on personal experience at times, writing my life story onto the sum of all those I meet, but how else and by what criteria am I to evaluate all the things that I find so puzzling? I have never been good with uncertainty and the unknown unless it was created by myself for the sole purpose of keeping me on my toes and getting me to explore more. In looking back at my past and taking it a part like a little Lego castle, I have learned a few things about myself that I guess I have always taken for granted.

Time spent with myself is enjoyed and cherished. I do not need a constant companion or group of people in order to amuse myself and make my days more meaningful. In fact, the older that I become, the less time in a pack or with another that is needed to maintain my happiness. Contentment can be found by myself in my car driving, listening to music, playing piano, working on my writing and art, sitting at the coffee shop, building something in the shop, working on my cars, spending time running or weight lifting, all types of solitary activities. I haven't always been that way. It has been a gradual process, but I find myself turning into myself more and now that down time spent away from the energy and input of others has become more necessary. Without the quality "me" time, I am unable to operate and function well when I am out and about with all my friends and family that call this city home.

My wide eyed wonder at the world is still with me. There are times in public when others have reacted to me as one would with a small child or one who is developmentally disabled. I guess I am still shocked and amazed by what a wonderful and amazing world this is. There is so much to do, things to see, interesting things to eat, people to look at and talk to, sounds to be heard, beautiful sights to see, books to read...all kinds of new things each and every day! And when morning comes, I get to do it all over again! There is a whole world out there and I am hoping to see the majority of it before this life is over. I don't think there is anything wrong with a boy man wandering around to see what he could see, just as long as he takes care of his responsibilities and cleans up after himself. One does not have to grow up in all the important spots if one does not want to.

I am more cautious of strangers and other people outside of my circle of trust. There once was a day when I accepted people at their word and did not understand that all was not as it seemed. Even when hurt and taken advantage by others, I still refused to accept that they were truly bad, merely misguided and not yet mature enough to realize the consequences of their actions towards me. I always gave the benefit of the doubt, even at great expense to myself financially and emotionally. Not so much anymore. I have finally caught on to the fact that there exists in this world great evil and person with the capacity to hurt me, not out of malicious intent, but simply due to the fact that it is the only way they know to survive. They just do not care. They are the saddest sort of creature in this world, but my pity and empathy for them no longer extends into a place where I will try to aid them and fix their ills. If they are not of blood or love, I cannot help. Experience here in this area has been a harsh school teacher but they have still been lessons well learned.

I am more stable in a relationship. Now that may seem like I am the master of the obvious, but in all areas, when I have a boyfriend or partner, my life finds an even keel with which to sail. I have a person to share with in deeper ways than just my friends or family. There is another who keeps my attention from straying all to often to myself and an outlet for my love, affection, concern and care. I am able to provide for and be provided for. It is with another that I am most happy. The highs and lows of life do not effect me as much and my smiles are broader, my laughs deeper and the nights more peaceful. I know one cannot force love at all and I cannot say I am shopping for another guy, but I sure do miss being a part of a couple. I guess there was just more there for me. Seems like kind of a contradiction of all the "me time" I want, but eh, what can I say? I never said I made any sense.

Hmm...not sure if any of those words are coherent, but at least I had fun writing them. I have spent too much time away from writing here and need to get back in the swing of expressing myself. Hope you all are well, where ever and whom ever you may be. Love one another.


Thursday, March 24, 2011

With vs. Near

Today so far has pretty much kicked ass. Woke up a bit early to another beautiful Spring day. Got cleaned up and ate some breakfast. Right before I headed out to my coffee shop the enormous sound of twin air horns shattered the bird song and morning calm...WOHHHHNNN! It was my older brother. He was in the area and stopped by in one of his big rigs to show me his new "little" bulldozer. What a freakin' awesome toy! And that one is the smallest one he has! He owns and runs a concrete company North of the river and keeps adding to his equipment inventory each year. I am so proud of the success he has found but still find it funny to poke him with the fact that he did marry into a huge, old Italian family, in a mob controlled city...and owns a concrete company...that has too much business to keep up with. Where is Jimmy Hoffa again? Bwhahahaha...

After checking out his new toy, talking guns and shop, making some coffee for him and watching him devour half a pan of brownies I made (older brothers are nothing if not predictable) he headed of to a job site and I got on the road. What an amazing day for a drive. Sun was out. It was late enough to avoid all the traffic and I hit the coffee shop at the peak people watching time. I grabbed a table while waiting for my espresso that some gabby girls had vacated and wiled some time away writing and working on a few sketches. Then  I wandered over to listen to some bands practice at a local venue and spent some time in the park walking and catching up with the locals and their bewildering assortment of dogs and children. I find it fascinating that kids can make the simplest things, such as coughing or reaching for a flower, the cutest thing in the world. Is it their over size heads? Maybe it's their ginormous eyes? Possibly their strange little voices and noises? I dunno for sure...but they will sure give puppies a run for their money, any given day.

Took some time for a great lunch while reading at a local fave haunt and kind of lost myself in a book, forgetting it was lunchtime and I was hogging my cute servers (Nathan with the green eyes) table. So I hooked him up with a fat tip and kept going. Over to the bookstore, another little drive, some window shopping on the Plaza and all the normal things that keep a smile on my face and otherwise occupied on a day off that has to be followed by a night of work.

Came home, took a nice nap and now just got up, worked out and am ready to shower and shave for a good night at work. The patio is open, the weather is gorgeous, people are happy and I am ready to make some smiles and cash. Life is good, what?

Oh...and about that title. I watched so many people today who were "with" other people. Those who were not "with" tended to be working hard on becoming "with" others. When they would enter a business or room, they would pause and almost present themselves for inspection while scanning the room for those they knew, hoped to know or hoped to find. Some were successful and joined their groups of fellow humans, others turned away a bit crestfallen to join either less preferred groups or seek another place. Not too many just were content with being "near". Being "with" seems to be a hugely popular phenomenon. at least here in the Midwest where I live. No one wants to not be "with". They need to be seen "with" while "near" is relegated to second class citizenship status. How odd?

I like being near. I like my freedom. I like to smile and laugh bemusedly to myself without worrying about someone asking me what bizarre or mundane thing I found so funny. I like to people watch. I like to be near. "With" is something I take in small doses, with close friends, families, occasionally coworkers and definitely with dates and boyfriends. Other wise I walk alone. I am not lonely. I just really love my own company. "With" is a commodity I will accept on my own terms. I like being "with" myself and am always happy when others are near.

I guess I just see myself as "with" the entire world. It is a stage you know...


PS: As for the picture today...I just found it hilarious! No offense or temptation intended. He pretty much fits my silly mood. Everyone has one of those motorcycle helmet/tube sock days now and again...right?  :)

The Homosexuals




This program ran on CBS in 1967. I cannot imagine living in this kind of reality. I did not know if I needed to cry, projectile vomit or go break something with my bare hands. Take some time to watch this if you want a glimpse of when our elders came from and what they overcame to bring us even the parts of liberty and peace we enjoy now.

Monday, March 21, 2011

Spring Time!

I just came in from cleaning out my flower beds, doing some pruning on the flowering shrubs and trees, raked some late leaves, fed and reseeded the yard, all in a t-shirt, some shorts and bare feet! I can smell the rich loamy dirt and new life that is coming up from the ground and it is so good to be back out of doors without all the layers of clothing. My legs, arms and face can feel the sun again and it is great to be seeing all the little signs of rebirth that heralds another Spring! The jonquils and daffodils are coming up, the hyacinths are blooming, there are tiny buds of bright green on all the trees and like a warm blanket, Winter is finally shrugged off. I took some time to simply sit there in the dirt and breathe deeply. My hands were covered in soil and I was happy to be working the earth once more. The garden is tilled and turned over and I cannot wait to get all the plants in for another season of growing food to enjoy on my own table from the land. Salads and veggies, sweet corn and tomatoes, green beans and peppers, potatoes and onions, herbs for seasoning and all the awesome new things I want to try this year. The apple trees are pruned and I want to start some pear trees and maybe a few citrus this year in tubs. I get so excited just thinking about it!

Since I had a few hours between work, I went ahead and rolled out the grill and am firing up some chicken and roast corn for lunch. I cannot even begin to describe how much I needed this warmer beautiful weather after such a long hard winter. Getting the top off the car and slipping into some light clothes with the warm sun on my skin has done wonders for me in just a few short days.

This weeks schedule is pretty full with work and friends, but I think things are starting to really roll in the right direction. I took this weekend off from all the usual haunts and did my own thing, with myself. it gave me some time to consider who I am and how I ended up being this me that I am now. Introspection and sitting in the moment with myself is something I did not take enough time for this winter. Odd, I know.

WTF?! While I was outside cooking my phone went off, so I picked it up without checking and it was my best friend. Yeah...the one who dumped me. Not to be confused with my ex-boyfriend. Hmm...I just let him talk. He was headed to the park to ride his bike and wanted to get together this week. No mention of how sexually promiscuous he thinks I am, just my old normal friend wanting to hang out. Curious. I think I will call him later this week and get together. I would be interested to see what is going on with him. He mentioned that he is done with girls right now and wants to concentrate on his guy friends. I have no idea what is going on in his head right now. What an odd relationship we have. I should blog about that later to get it str8 in my head. :)

Anyway...time to eat now. The potatoes, grilled corn and BBQ Chicken is done and I am ready to chow down before I hop in the shower to wash the dirt and grime off and head back into work tonight. Hope you are all well and enjoying the weather, wherever in the world you are. Ciao!


Friday, March 18, 2011


Love Mike's hes pretty damn cute too. Great way to start my day, with him singing to me. Got to get going. Enjoy! :)

Hullo? G'morning world...

Woke up about fifteen minutes ago to scraggled fingers of a dream still clawing at my mind and wrapping themselves around my past in present in a strange shroud of yesterday, now and things hoped for. You know, the odd kind of sex dream that ties your past to your current life and to top it all off, I was jacking off hard and slow. I ended up waking up right before I came all over the place and I am not talking about some normal wad blowing session. This was one of those back arching, toe curling, head snapping, eyes rolled back in your head, body and torso flexing, spine cracking, breath gasping, soul shuddering orgasms that just roll up and down your body, over and over and over and over.


What was up with that? Sure, I know I masturbate pretty often, especially when I am single and don't have an active sex life, but now I am jacking off in my sleep? Strange thing this time called Spring. My Dad would just say the sap is rising, but I am still left a little confused and all tingly. Its like my skin is a bit too tight for my body and that warm afterglow has my conscious thoughts smothered by the chemicals and emotions flooding my body. Wow. It was a dream about a guy from the Navy that I dated, but also included in some way a bunch of other guys I have been with or wanted to tag. We were all at some camp in the shower room. It was all long legs, strong arms, hot water, slick bodies, grappling and competition.  Okay...I'll shut up.

Good morning.

Ack, prolly shouldn't be writing now but I am trying to wake up and figure out what this day holds. I know I am working a twelve hour shift and I need to get my butt in gear to get ready. Time to shower, get around some coffee and breakfast, iron my pants and shirt, break out some new shoes and socks and hit the road. I love putting on new socks, that, and new underwear. It is just a good feeling. Like the promise and hope of new possibility, plus they feel really great on my feet and body.

Tons of things I want to write about, but time is short this morning. I have just about an hour and a half before I need to report for duty, looking all scrubbed, bright eyed and happy. Just wanted to take the time to say hello and I thought writing a bit would help wake me up. I guess it has. That dream is still wadded up in my head somehow. I think a blasting hot shower might do the trick.

Today I am going to be positive. I am going to help and share more with my team. I want to see each client as another person with needs, hopes and dreams and bring my skills to bear in order to make their day just a little more fantastic. I want to spend less time staring at guys legs. I need to stop watching Zach's ass every time he walks by and bends over. How about a little less lust and a bit more love? Being a horn dog each and every day is getting old. I feel like I follow my dick around and it keeps getting in the way. Crap...I need a date.

Anyway...hope your day goes well, world. I'll be over here smiling and trying to keep it in my pants. It is going to be one of those days.


Bed time...a reminder to me.

Getting ready to crash here, but figured I would update you all on what a freaking awesome week this has been. The Midwestern weather finally cooperated with my schedule and yesterday found me in my car with the top down all day for the first time this season! Woohoo!

I had a huge smile on my face all day as I tooled around the city doing the little things that I love to do when I am by myself. Hit my coffee shop and read a book watching the city wake up. Then headed over for some shopping (not buying) for headphones new kicks and other odds and ends I want for the summer and school. Hit a friends restaurant for lunch and then grabbed a Guiness at Kelly's the day BEFORE St. Pats. Caught my friends bands playing at the Brick and hung with them. Grabbed Thai food on the Plaza and then wiled away the night hours on their patio talking to friends and strangers. All in all...just a kick ass and simple day.

Today, the holiday, found me at work for 12 hours. Had a blast with my friends, made some good cash and narrowly avoided blowing my stack at my assistant GM, who by the way, is a total bitch, from Wisconsin. I love her to death at times, but our communication styles are so either alike or opposite, not sure which, that I always feel we are at each others throats. I think we are both insanely competitive and she always feels the need to one up me, ersumshit. Tossing her under the bus and all that aside, it was a good day. So nice to sit out on our patio at work over the lake and finish up the days task with a nice sunset, good friends and an amazing view. Cannot wait till Spring.

Hmm...when I come back here later this week, I need to write about some pretty significant stuff, if I remember and get the time to. I want to write about having a crush on a straight friend. Also the do's and don'ts of dating/sexing co-workers. I also want to tackle the age old question about age and younger/older relationships. I need to hit on what is happening spiritually with me. Catch up on family news. Wow....just a lot of things to cover. I will be back later. I really need to take a shower and sleep.

Hope you are all well!


Sunday, March 13, 2011

Lent and Top Gun

Sitting here watching Top Gun and thinking random thoughts. Bare feet propped up in my new arm chair, wearing my favorite old jeans and a hoodie that I never would be caught dead in public in. Guess that makes me gay? Maverick just took the Polaroid of the Mig and is heading back home. Cougar just freaked out and Goose is trying to talk him down. Man! I haven't seen this film in forever. It's a classic.

Anyway, broke with my weekend habits for the first time that I can remember. Usually after church in the morning, I grab lunch with my friends and have a few drinks while watching the game at my different haunts. Today, I just went and ate by myself and then came home and took a nap. I feel good about that! Instead of blowing my afternoon and evening running around town with my old friends, I actually claimed some time for myself, stayed sober and now have something more to do with my Sunday nights than act a fool and crash early to sleep it off. Plus, I saved like 60 bucks. It may be a small victory to others, but for me it was a huge deal. I always go out on Sunday afternoon and night. Or at least I have for the last year or so...and now. I dunno? My phone started blowing up with texts and calls, so I just shut if off and laid down. The nap felt great, plus read a few chapters in a new book I bought.I want to try something different and see how that goes. :) I think Sundays will be "me" days for a while.

So people at church and different friends have been talking about Lent quite a bit. I was not raised with any high church traditions besides guilt and am not really familiar with the church calendar and all the different traditions. I guess the idea of "giving up" something in order to make space for something new or good is great and all, but I am a complete stranger to self denial. I guess I can understand the idea of "wait" at least a bit, but the concept of "no" is anathema.

I don't want to give up anything. I never have. So I am not. I don't mind adding something good, but the temporary sacrifice of something I enjoy makes no sense to me at all. Maybe someone can explain it to me?

I'll be back later. Gotta watch Top Gun and then get some dinner. Ciao!

PS: Val Kilmer back in the day...hawt.

Friday, March 11, 2011

WARNING: This video may make you want to drop everything and escape from life for a few days. It also contains scenes of a fantastically beautiful human. (and a dog, and the ocean, and a get the idea)

I am not an underwear snob as some of my friends are and Michael is. (just calling it like I see it)

That being said...this amazingly shot video and advert makes me want to order a few pairs. I really dig the music, the feel and vibe and presence of the actor.

He's a keeper.

Nair for Men and the Fading of Taboo

I am completely amazed and excited at the ease with which people speak with on topics these days, that in the not too distant past, would have been considered taboo, at least in this country. For instance, while talking to a friend at work tonight (str8, christian, virgin, engaged, cute) a misunderstanding came up regarding an insult I yelled at him. He was under the impression that I told him to, "lick my butt" when what I had really said was, "lick my balls."

Now, if you have ever worked in the service industry, you will know they are not the upstanding bastions of political correctness and appropriate sexual neutrality. They actually are more like seething cesspools of sex, lies, rumors and harassment. Throw in a good hard dose of cash and heavy drinking, amp up the hormones from the younger bus boys and back of the house guys, muddle in the stress of all the girls up front and you have a weird place similar to high school, but without the angst, more drama and a lot more fun.  Well, I guess that depends on how you define fun?

So, he is thinking "butt" and I am talking "balls". I make matters worse by informing him that is why they made Nair for Men (which I do not use, preferring instead to shave and man-scape my junk with a razor and electric clippers, like a real man...bwhahahaha) and advise him he might give it (Nair for Men) a shot once he gets married.

He stated he wouldn't "make her" do something like that and I was shocked to think that a girl would not like to give head and a guy wouldn't want to receive it.  North face vs. South face. Needless to say, once we sorted it all out, we had a pretty good laugh and I was suitably embarrassed and amused. There is no way we could explain what just happened to Jaime and I am glad we didn't try.

Now...the only reason why I dragged you through that conversation was to illustrate how taboo and things once considered "unmentionable" are finally being discussed and talked about in "polite" society. People are finally waking up to the idea of communication about all the issues and topics that the adults before us have never even broached, much less joked and kidded about. I am not saying our conversation was correct, but when else in the world would a guy like him (see above description) and a guy like me (gay, christian, single, ruggedly handsome) have a conversation about such things, much less a common ground to joke and kid about the very things, that to be honest, still can make us uneasy and unsure of ourselves? We can shift from jacking around, like guys do, to discussing the pride in our lives or stuff we wrestle with and need work on. Seamless transition and transparent communication, even among those not considered close friends.

Things are changing, and while the frozen chosen and uptight conserviquacks aren't going to like it much, people are talking and what was no longer is.  I don't recommend going around and sexually harassing your friends and coworkers, by any means, but if something comes up that needs discussing, don't be scared to speak your mind. Too many have been too silent for too long.

Let your voice be heard. Just make sure they hear the difference between "butt" and "balls"!  :)

That's all!

Thursday, March 10, 2011


Morning ramble

Through some really odd twist of schedule, I find myself well rested and wide awake now at 3:47 in the morning. Sheesh. What a strange day off. I rarely have a "bad day" but Wednesday could be counted as one for sure. First off, I woke up in a funk, feeling strangely odd in my own body with only vague recollections of the evening before. Damn you, chocolate ale! So the morning hours were spent lying around, talking with a friend and generally being a lazy man till my thoughts finally came together.

Then I remembered that I had lunch with David. Crap. I threw some clothes on, them took them off, then put other clothes on, then took those off, My brain just wouldn't work. I jumped in the shower then got out and put still yet other clothes on. Better...right? Nope. Couldn't find my stupid wallet anywhere. Not on the end table, not on the dining room table. Not in the kitchen. Not on my desk. Nowhere to be found. Finally found the stupid thing kicked under my bed. Guess it landed there last night when I got home and stripped down.

To top it all off, David starts texting me about changing the time for lunch. Now let me be clear. I love David to death, bless his heart, but he can be one annoying pissah when it comes to commitments and appointments Not ONCE...ever has he ever been on time. Not ONCE has he ever left a meeting time standing as is. NEVER since I have known him. Ever. Not since October 9th of 2009. Not that I am counting.

So he texts to change the time and I get all pissed off and tell him to sod off. Then he changes his tune and switches back to the original time. Then I feel like a dick and we change to his new time. So the passive aggressive bastard got what he wanted in the first place. Meh...hope it makes him happy?

After lunch I hung out with my friend (who doesn't want me to blog about him) and generally enjoyed my day off. We grabbed Chinese food at Bo Ling and then came home to watch a movie and relax. I ended up falling asleep for a "short nap" and now find myself wide awake in the morning ready to eat dinner, not breakfast. Strange enough for ya?

My neck still hurts. At least I got David off my back. He had some good insight into my life right now. If he wasn't such a good friend and  had such a keen eye into my life, I would write him off, like I do 90% of everyone I have ever met. What a weird life. I'll come back later this morning when I have something to say. Pax.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Less biting, more barking.

Woke up a few minutes ago to the gentle tapping of March rain on the window panes. It was a soothing sound and the gray light that softly filtered into my bedroom announced the arrival of yet another day. As my mind slowly came awake and resolved itself to another day in this body, I began to take inventory of the physical plant. I certainly had enough sleep, what with the nap yesterday and all the time spent last night in its embrace. I must have slept hella hard! A pain in my neck told me that I had went from an easy sprawl across my bed to that tight curled up embrace that wadded the pillows and comforter into some Degas painting by morning. A puddle of drool had seeped out of my mouth coating my cheek and the closest pillow. Enchanting! I think not. Sometimes one wake up all cute and cuddly, other mornings its a violent reminder of how much like beasts men can be. I feel like some kind of animal this morning, but then I feel that way most days.

Padded into the kitchen and got myself some water. I guess there are some great advantages to having opposable thumbs besides the obvious. Slipped some jeans and a t-shirt on and came here into the office to try to eek a few thoughts out before my day rushed in as it has lately. Popping my toes and back feels good. The long work outs of the last few months is starting to pay off as my body hardens and reshapes itself for Spring and Summer. This entropy thing and the 2nd Law of Thermodynamics can sure be a bitch at times. To be 18 again without a need or worry for routine maintenance. Youth certainly is wasted on the young, or at least it was me.

So I tried to pray last night after I climbed in bed. That didn't go to well, as I was pretty well beat and drowsiness ambushed me, but I still felt rather foolish to be laying there talking to myself. Do you ever feel that way about your faith? That somehow it is nothing more than self-fulfilling prophecy and words articulated to the air around you? I can't help but wonder sometimes, but then, I guess that is not the best thing to say or think in the blinding competition and urgency that has become American Christianity. We are all supposed to be some kind of informed, educated and stalwart bastions of the faith when usually I feel like a desultory, feeble effort clawing towards even marginalized success, at least as of late.

The last few days of pondering in open moments have led me to the realization that I am a bit like a wounded dog when it comes to all things concerning Christ. You know the type or at least can empathize. A lifetime of wounds and hurts from those who kept promising love has slowly shaped me into someone who is un-trusting, skeptical and hurt by those who profess concern and help, especially in the name of God. Each time I encounter yet another person who ends up being the holder of another stick to beat me with has slowly shut my ears and heart to the few who may be actually trying to help. For a few years there, I ignored the pain and turned eagerly to each out stretched hand that was open and seemed willing to assist and comfort me. Those hands all too often turned into emotional fists and sharp sticks of judgment, so I started to look askance when someone promised love. My eyes started seeking the ground more and more instead of the sky and the eyes of others.

I have learned that my issues and questions I am struggling with in regards to faith have less to do with the God of the Bible, the person of Jesus Christ and more with those who claim and profess to be his followers. That "root of bitterness" that it speaks of, has found place in my life and slowly poisoned the little bit of water I did have. As a result I am now cynical and antagonistic to all of those who claim the labels of the groups and organizations that have hurt me over the years. This is not fair to them. It is not correct for me to assume as much and I need to find that soft place my heart used to smile in. While I have learned some costly lessons, I feel that this journey is not an uncommon one. We have problems and  misunderstandings with people and as a result, at least as a guy, we try to guard what emotions we do have left intact. Instead of letting yet another person open the possibility of fresh pain with my vulnerability, it is much easier to go on the offensive and attack while still in a perceived but illusory place of strength and control.

For the harsh words and confusing thoughts to you who have attempted to help, I am much sorry. This life is never an easy thing but in biting the proverbial hand that tries to feed or pet me, I am slowly losing hope that anything but my own world view is possible. I have shut my heart and soul to the very individuals who may have found something they are attempting to share, albeit in our own frail and human ways. My issue is not with God, it is with my past. It is not something that is present always, but more something remembered. The result of much negative reinforcement has brought me to this place and I am going to have to take a chance on letting love in. I don't know exactly where to start but I can open my mind and heart, curb my tongue and simply sit content and listen.

God is not his followers. Jesus is not the people who go to those buildings called churches. My faith is not built on other men. My own best and worst shadows are for me to cast and dance with. Don't try to change me, just love me. I don't have all the answers, in fact, I have very few of them. I do not want to argue about strange points of doctrine or the deep matters of theology. I am trying to learn how to live here. Who do I get to love? What is sin really? Some of the things in my life are not right. I realize this, or at least am finding this slowly. Let me work on it. Stop with the cutting words, harsh looks and judgmental stares. I know I am probably not the guy you thought I was when you welcomed me into your lives or church. If grace and mercy is for all, doesn't that include me too? We aren't probably going to agree on a lot of things. I refuse to carry the baggage that others seem to delight in picking up along the way. If I do not find something useful it will be discarded. Please do not feel that I am insulting your faith or practice. I simply must live in the reality of now, not some fanciful notion of obtuse wording and the strange language that the church shrouds itself in. I need life...and that more abundantly.

I want to stop biting and start living. Less growling and more playing. I hope some of that made sense. I have to go pee now and then take a shower and maybe sharpen my teeth...kidding. Coffee sounds like a plan too.Thanks for hanging in there with me. My bark is worse than my bite, at least I hope it will be.


Thursday, March 3, 2011

My best friend just dumped me

After a weird morning of odd conversation with a friend from church (who thinks I need to be cured from "the gay") I got a call from a  good friend. Not wanting to drive while talking, I pulled over and called him back. While hashing out the mornings conversation and getting some sound advice, my best friend showed up at the coffee shop, came over to my car, said hi, and gave me a big hug. I told him I was on the phone and would be in a second. I had texted him earlier in the day and was glad to see him as it had been a few days since we hung out.

I finished up my call (which was an amazing help, thank you) and ran inside to process my day with my best friend and catch up on life. Last time we hung out, we ran all over town, grabbed some food, went ice skating, all the usual random crap. Same guy I spend my free time with, travel the US with, a big part of my life.

He asked me a few questions, to which I responded honestly, as I  always do.

I was then informed that until I "kill the spirit of sexual immorality" in my life he could no longer hang out with me, talk to me or have anything to do with me.

What could I say? I just watched him walk away.

WTF just happened? Our lives have been an open book to each other since the day we met. There is little to nothing we have not shared and discussed.  I mean nothing. We even talk about all the stuff you aren't supposed to ever talk to another soul about, much less another guy.

Suddenly I am no longer fit to be his brother and friend?

This hurts.

It hurts a lot.

Fuck churches and the way they warp peoples minds and hearts. I realize mentally that this is probably all about him and has nothing to do with me, but still.

What do I do?

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

All the Lovers...

Woke up after a long nap and decided to work a few things out in my head tonight. Started the day off with work, which was good and uneventful except for the regular drama that ensues with working with the public and so many females. Jumped online, chatted with a few friends and caught up on the news. Ended up listening to Gaga for a bit( hold the snide comments please) and ended up at one of my favorite songs and videos, which you see above. I would recommend watching it as it always takes me on an interesting trip down memory lane,  plus it's also nice to see guy on guy relationships affirmed in visual media. And I know some of you will hate the song and video as it seems to glorify extra marital sexual relationships. I think that it expresses a sentiment that I have felt before and hope to feel again.

The fact is, I have had numerous sexual partners in my life. This song speaks about finding a person that is the "one". I think it is talking about love. Now...I hate the word "lover". It just has some creepy connotation to me (like mustaches, too much body hair and sweaty ugliness) but in this context I think it makes sense. While I know two guys can hook up and have a great time with their bodies, I also know and believe that several of the relationships I have had have been rooted deeply in love for another person. So listening to this song and watching the video made me think about all the guys "who have gone before".

What is your list like? Who are these guys or girls whom with you have shared your body and heart with? What did love or sex look like for you? Is it something that glows brightly and brings smiles to your face, or like so many of the "christian" guys I know, is it shrouded in shame and darkness? Why are "christian" people so hung up about sex? It is one topic guaranteed to freak them the hell out when it is brought up, much less talking about guy on guy love and action.

Now, I have a friend at work, he is engaged to be married soon, this month in fact and he and his fiancee are both virgins. He has been doing the pre-marital counseling gig with their pastor, as seems par for the course for young religious people and we have had several candid conversations about sex and relationships. First of all, I admire and respect him for saving himself for marriage. That takes some discipline and self preservation that I cannot imagine. I have never looked down on him for his lack of experience. They are both going into this new place with no reservations or anything to compare it to, aside from personal masturbation and such. That has got to be pretty cool. Being the first and them being your first. Anyway, I digress.

Christians and sex. I have been baffled by their stance in the issue since I was first exposed to it as a child. Now I know the Puritanical background of this country and all the norms and mores associated with the conservative church's but it makes me wonder. Have these people ever had good sex? How about great sex?
 I am talking the kind that turns into a spiritual experience where you cannot even describe to another person what occurred between you and your partner, nor should you try to.

I think these people never got laid growing up, or if they did, it was some furtive, hurried thing that they then carried loads of shame and guilt for, due to the things that others forced on them or they chose to believe in order to be accepted by their peer groups.

So about sex? I like it. Skip that...I LOVE IT! I think it is amazing. I think it is best expressed between two people in a committed and loving relationship. After all, practice makes perfect. But as far as lovers go?

I think more people need to stop freaking out about it and get laid...more often and well.

These $0.02 are mine.

EDIT: I hope this doesn't come off as me advocating promiscuous random sex with strangers. While I have certainly done that in my life (with no regrets but for a few poor choices) I think people need to stop being scared of their own bodies and others bodies. There are all these unspoken and spoken rules in religious communities that seem to shroud sex in some mystery and shame. I do not see sex this way. It is a beautiful expression of sharing and enjoyment that two people can find in time spent alone with each other.

Churches preach so much against it with some dire warnings and sense of doom that it makes me worry about the double standards being practiced and where they come from. They shout about sexually transmitted diseases (which I have never experienced) or unwanted pregnancy (which comes from fool hardy practices and poor education) but never seem to address obesity, or gossip, lying, theft and all the other ills that afflict the same congregation in such a higher percentage.

The fact of the matter is this. Most "christians" are NOT having sex. Those who are newly married may have an active sex life. At least, I hope they do. But by and large, most of those in churches are in monogamous relationships that have long since past being overtly physical and sexual in nature. The young people are scared shitless about making some wrong move and Jesus hating them. I know this from personal experience as I slept my way through a "christian" school and several churches growing up. I am not proud of this, I just know the proportionate number of virgins I met there far outweighed the same age demographic in the real world.

So what is it about sex that has the church all up in arms? And gay marriage? Basically anything outside of the "marriage bed" missionary position for making more of the babies? I have no idea really. Why not start preaching about the fatties? Now those people are committing slow suicide each week, but we give them a free pass. Why do they care so much about what I do with my penis when I am single?

Sorry that I don't have any real answers at the moment. I am just rambling, but I think we need to start having more conversations about the real issues and less pretend talk about the things that don't really effect us in daily life. Would love to hear what you think.