Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Well? might not hear from me for awhile.

I will be gone and away from civilization, the net and phones for awhile.

Will update later, or might not be back till October?

Possible sporadically.

Much rides on this weekend.

I will try to clue you all in at a later time. I have no time.

Until later,


Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Headed to the Lake?

Wow...early morning today! Guess I am kind of excited? If I am not working today, I will be headed down to the Lake of the Ozarks for a few days to hang out with my friends. They are working this summer at a place on the water called Big Dicks Halfway Inn.

I am sooo not kidding. Google them! :)

So yeah, pretty much it all hinges upon if they need me to work. If not, then I am hitting the road and taking a mini-vacation I guess. Tuesday - Friday would be a nice change of pace. They have a great house right on the water and it would be good to just hang out and NOT be in Kansas City for a few days. I always love the open road anyway. So we shall see...

Something I have noticed lately is that my writing here has really suffered in quality and content. It is not that my life has changed all that much, or my world view and vision has changed, but a more subtle shift of perspective and tone has made me self censor to some extent. It is almost as if I am shy now and not really sure of myself when I confront a blank page. I don't have much to say about that, but am going to try to fix that and get my thoughts out again as they appear in my head. I find it cathartic, but have let others comments and crap inhibit me. Screw that noise!

All too often, others, in their attempt to "help" (read, control) like to suggest things to me that they feel would "help" me in the path I am on. To all of those small minded and limited thinking persons, please refrain. I am always open to criticism that is valid and offers a constructive view point and information, but if you are attempting to "assist" in my life merely by telling me "Daemon, don't" then please do not waste our time. Kaithnxbai!

Hmm...what else? Oh yeah, woke up at like 4:18 this morning and am getting stuff ready. It totally blows that I do not know if I am leaving until 9 am, but such is life when one is always on call for work. Mental note, lose this job, acquire another one. I am getting sick and tired of having my time spoken for in such a random way. Either I am working or I am not. That is how I see it. So hard to plan my life when others seem to pick and chose when they want my help. LOL...just looked up and saw a commercial for that "Shake Weight" thing. That it freakin' hilarious. Who are these people who buy something off of television? Bunch of oxygen thieves if you ask me.

Need to start working on the talk I am going to give at the next Guys Breakfast. Emotions...that is going to be the topic. Fun, huh? I had to open my big mouth and ask why no one talked about how they felt at the last one, and Art was like...good call! You lead a hosted conversation on this next time. LOL! So we shall see.

Did I mention that I am excited? I so want to hit the road, but everything needs to fall into place. Guess I will get packed and cleaned up. Hmm...wonder if they need any more help down there this summer? I could totally dig working on the water all summer. Just hop back and forth from the city as needed, though that would totally blow for nah. No can do. Sounded nice for a split second. :(

Eh, I am out of here. Things to do and miles to go before I sleep. Take care ya'll!


Monday, May 24, 2010


Just woke up...again...and am now clean! Wooty, woot , woot! I love showers in the sunshine and that fresh scrubbed and rough toweled feeling. Now to start my day in earnest after catching a few words here.

Life is crazy good and happy right now, though a few things weigh heavy on my mind. My time this last week with Michael we all too short, few and far between. He has been fighting sickness and fatigue and my heart goes out to him soooo bad. I wish I could just kiss him all over and make it better, but I cannot. Hope to hear from him later today to find out how his weekend with friends and fun went. Maybe it got his mind off it all for a bit?

My friend arrived down south safely and already I miss him and the girls. They got settled into the new house and are starting work at their new jobs today. What an amazing life switch. I am more than half tempted today to run down there and pop in on them. I say more that half, since I have already printed off my Mapquest directions and have the car full of gas...just in case! LOL

Unsure of what today holds. Simple things I am sure. I really need to eat, but it seems like my appetite for food has kind of left me. Thinking and praying for David and his wife this morning. Such heavy news to hear of yesterday. Watching him tear up and share almost killed me, but I pulled through, listened to it all and gave him one hell of a bear hug when it was time to go.

Am I forgetting anything? Hmm...still really horny, of course, but that is life. Got off at 5 am, and then again in the shower. I think my dick is mad at me, but I know I made the right choices to NOT have sex. I am going to get out in the sun today and maybe fly my kite?

If you did not know me, would you think I was a stranger?

Bye for now.


Sunday, May 23, 2010


What an amazing and bittersweet week! So full of hope, of promise, of those late night conversations and realizations with friends who are further on this path of life than I. Sitting on porches with people known and new. Different perspectives on faith and hope. Seeing it all a bit different after sharing time.

Space made where needed from all those who place so many expectations and claims of promise on me.

A new day breaks here and I slowly make my way into the sunshine. I cannot wait to see what is going to happen. What an amazing and blessed life. I am loving every minute! More on all this later...but the day calls me to it, with a smile and open arms.

Love someone today, even if it only just yourself.

Cause that is where it ALL starts.



Let me be myself

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Rant on Drivers....GRRRRR!

My older brother is of the opinion that "there are drivers, and then there are those who simply ride around behind the wheel". You know what?

He's 100% correct.

Forgive me if the following rant makes me sound like a Cranky Bastard, but my POV is this: It's only going to get worse.

Back in the day, when I was 16 and learned to drive, if you wanted to drive a car, you had to drive it! You had to know the basics of car control, and you had to know how to respond to emergency situations, or you were ordered out of the gene pool.

I didn't have ABS, so if you didn't want your tires to skid, you let off the brakes when the tires locked up. And you didn't follow so closely in the first place.

I didn't have Traction Control, so if you didn't want your tires to spin in the snow, you put proper snow tires on it and you learned how to properly manage the throttle.

I didn't have Electronic Stability Control, so if you didn't want to spin out, you didn't do anything stupid with lane changes, and you learned how to control slides.

I didn't have Navigation Systems, so if you wanted to find out how to get somewhere, you asked first, or you used a map.

I didn't have Tire Pressure Monitoring systems, so if you didn't want a blowout on the freeway, you checked your tire pressures every once in a while...and if you DID have a blowout, you didn't sue the tire company, the tire manufacturer, nail manufacturers, the car dealer, the dealer's mother trying to project your lack of responsibility onto them.

I didn't have Park Assist, so if you wanted to park without banging into anything, you put your god damned coffee down, hung up the phone, and paid attention! Sheesh!

No, actually, we didn't do that, because back then, we didn't have cup holders in cars, and we didn't have cell phones.

No longer.

We have been trained, by equipment and by legal precedent, to expect that our vehicles will always get us where we want to go without ever letting us get harmed in the process. We are being trained to let the vehicles and their manufacturers take all responsibility for their operation. We're being trained to take the "driver" out of "driver's license". And why not? We've already been trained that such license is a right instead of the privilege it really is.

So now, the current whipping-boy Toyota has issued a "stop sale" order on their Lexus GX 460 SUV because the no-driving nannies at Consumer Reports have said it's rollover prone.

Why is it rollover prone, you ask? Because if you suddenly lift off the gas in the middle of a sharp, fast corner, the rear end slides out and the vehicle goes sideways. GASP! The horror! Physics are being applied and reality will not bend to our whim! And because it's a Stupid Useless Vehicle with a high center of gravity to make 105 lb soccer moms feel like they're on top of the world, it'll flip pretty easily when sliding sideways.

I'll say it again: This is a fault of vehicle type and of driver input. But because we've been trained to believe this shouldn't be possible, and because other manufacturers put Stability Control on heaps like these in an attempt to keep people from spilling their latte's in life or death situations, Toyota is taking heat that their ESC is not preventing the behavior.

You know what would have solved that problem with an absolute quickness? STEPPING ON THE GAS A LITTLE BIT. Yes indeed! Give it a little gas, and the acceleration will cause the vehicle's weight to shift rearward, giving the rear wheels more traction, and stopping the slide.

Drivers know this, almost instinctively. Sheep riding around behind the steering wheel don't know this, and don't want to hear it. They just want to sue somebody.

Learn to drive, folks! It's fun, and it could save your life.

Okay...I'll shut up now. :)

Note: Written and shared with my by a friend. LOVED IT!

Dancing through this day!

This is my mood! I declare it so! Watch out! I may be dancing in the streets in a city near you! Wooty, Woot, Woot! :)


A tale of two days...

Woke up this morning, laid there a bit, and then got my bearings pretty quick. What a whirlwind of the last few days. Got the opportunity to spend time with a good friend who is facing some challenging obstacles in his life at the moment.

While only my age, give or take a few months, he has married, started a successful business, has a beautiful son, become a widower, struggled to find himself in regards to his orientation and is now facing the prospect in the next few weeks of a kidney transplant all while complicated by another life threatening illness.

And in the face of it all, he still smiles, holds strong and steady despite the pain and offers love, hope, peace, joy to all of those around him he calls dear.

What strength and grace is this?

If I was placed in those circumstances, I do not know how I would fare. I realize that God only gives us that which we can deal with, and that all of our choices have lasting and real consequences, but as a man, I do not think I could live out and write the beautiful story of life he does each day.

He is an inspiration to me and a picture of what the amazing grace of God can do in a mans life, totally surrendered to His will. He will be gone from us this summer, and I will miss his presence, smile and comforting touch daily. I life him up in prayer and hope for his swift recovery and healing. We all need him, as much as he needs us.

Hung out all yesterday with him, just watching the movies he picked out, lounging around, talking and watching the rain come down from the front porch. I had forgotten how to just "be". The slowing down and stopping of all the activity that I pack into each day gave me some time and space to consider what is important to me and the direction my life is taking. I think in many ways, I stay incredibly busy with work, family, my relationship, friends, social activities, music, art, cars, travel and passions in order to hide from myself.

I pride myself on my introspection, but what real space for consideration to I intentionally make, besides odd pockets of time where I MUST pause and make simple decisions? I need to center myself, eliminate a few distractions and concentrate on what I really want, who I actually am, the impact I am genuinely making in those lives and loves around me. I need to live more than I am now.

Life is funny like that. The speed and momentum it picks up as days go by. I am ready to pause a bit and consider more.

Today is already getting busy, have to find a really odd and expensive tire for Michael's BMW, which decided to acquire some random chunk of metal on his way to work. Thank God he has run flats on and was able to limp into the office, though I am sure it was a major struggle keeping his German Tank under 50 miles per hour. Poor guy! It's seems to be one thing after another lately. Hoping we can make some space and time to chill out this weekend. I know and see each day what a struggle this week has been for him. God, I love that guy!

Well, it's time to get my couple miles in, work out and then hit the ground running. Just waiting for the phone calls, emails and voice messages to sync up so I know which direction to fly off in. I have much on my mind I hope to write soon. I need to re-answer a hard question about the dearth of female friends in my life, bring myself up to speed on my thoughts of the Men's Retreat, consider what I will be speaking on at the next Guy's Breakfast at church and also work my way through the direction in life I am heading this fall.

Looks to be a fun summer, if it will just GET HERE!



Tuesday, May 18, 2010

OMG! Busy Day!

Woke up today unsure of the time, but so happy to see the sun! Been reading my feeds and catching up on the world news while my brain kicks into awake mode. Life is getting interesting to be sure.

Got a to-do list a mile long it seems, but more than enough time today to get it all hammered out. Movies back to Blockbuster (yeah Michael, I know they have been on the couch and then in my car for at least a month, my bad!) then over to the library for some new books and music (pay my late fees, bastards!). Swing by the coffee shop. (How I have missed thee) because I can. Yard work that seems to be never ending with all the gardening and landscaping that has been completed(mowing, weeding, trimming, edging, watering, feeding, primping). Who know that taking care of plants could be a full time job if you let it? Need to wash and wax the cars today, that is going to wear these arms out, but man, they always look so good when it's done! Laundry... of course! Two guys can wear alot of t-shirts, socks and undies in a weeks time. Ironing...ugh! Run errands, hit the grocery store, return emails, write a few cards and letters, check on the neighbors, catch up with friends, plan a dinner party menu, figure out ideas for date night, return phone calls, buy my sister some new shirts for her Peru adventure. (poor girl has been waiting since her birthday in April, love you Amy!) did my life get so busy all of a sudden?! And this is my day off! least I think it is, Kind of depends on how many times that phone rings in a day. Just realized that I left him a voice mail and work and ended it with "Love ya!" When did this this "L" word start slipping into our daily lives with ease and comfort? Hmm...that bears some thinking on later.

So yeah...its going to be a whirlwind day! I hope to hit the bed tonight knowing that all my little check marks on paper add up to a day well spent and many things accomplished. I guess I need to brew up some coffee and click into hyper-drive mode. Now if everything else will head my way, I am off to have a great day!

Hope all is well with you and yours in the corner of the world you call home!


Monday, May 17, 2010

It was an Odd Day

Just got done eating dinner and watching part of some sad movie. The guy in the film, had a few lines that really got to me, as I listened. He said that, "God wants everything." And a bit later he asked the question, "Why does everyone keep leaving me?" The single question that really stuck with me is when he asked his older brother, "Am I a bad person?"

It is strange how I can find messages everywhere and how truly different this day truly was. Got called into work on a day off, which I did not mind, but certainly was not ready for how strange it was. Working with good friends and MAN! Today was hard on the eyes. Seems like every hot guy in the city decided to come in today just to torture me. It wasn't just me, Mick and Chadwick certainly noticed it as well. I am not sure why I am such a horn dog all the time, but I guess I have always been a meat gazer? Even in a relationship, my eyes still stray all the time. I need to learn some self control. Better late than never? I have never tried to learn any self control when it comes to sex and stuff, but it seems pretty clear that God wants me to live differently now.

So what is going on with me? I think I am growing up some spiritually. At least a little bit. Certainly finding some maturity with time passing. But I feel a bit lost with all the questions I have. Still not finding a real sense of peace about all my decisions lately. But really wondering if some of it is concerns and questions I have that are being put onto me from others? Am I content with myself, but others are jacking with me? Writing their lives and expectations on me? I am not sure really.

So God wants everything? What does that really mean? Is it some concept that hangs out there in the air that we need to try to attain to? What does it mean to give it all to God? I can't even comprehend what those words mean. I guess I really suck at this whole Christian thing? There is so much I don't know or understand about all of it. So if He wants everything, what does that leave for me?

Why does everyone keep leaving me? That's another good question. While I have had some amazing relationships and friends over the years, they always seem to end somehow, sometime. No one ever sticks around forever. I am tired of saying goodbye. Of having people walk away from my life. Of only being around part time, for a matter of years. Now I know realistically, that time changes many things, and people move and grow and become, but who will stick around for the long haul. I have never walked away from a friendship, never broken up with a boyfriend or given up on time shared. I feel I have been loyal to a fault. But yeah, they always end up leaving eventually. I am sick of opening my arms, letting go of hands and hearts, and saying goodbyes to the back of peoples heads. Getting left sucks, especially when you never even understand why?

Am I good person? I never thought I was, but am getting used to the idea that maybe, I am not as bad as others have always told me I am. I am tired of being defined by others. I actually like me and this life I have. I think I am a good person. I know I have made some mistakes along the way, and tend to get things screwed up a lot, but the direction I am going is not a bad one.

I don't know what I am talking about tonight. Just rambling I suppose? I know I will sleep well this night. Hopefully we will have some more sunshine tomorrow. That would make me smile!

Waking up is Hard to do...

It is fifteen minutes to twelve and I am waking up for the second time today. This morning I came to in a cool gray room. I had kicked off the sheets, blanket and comforter from my side of the bed and was sprawled out completely naked in a room that was suddenly way too cold! How rude Mr. Monday, for you to come calling like that! I stumbled around getting my morning started and on the outside of some food and coffee and on the inside of some clothes.

Finally I gave it up and went back to It felt soooo good to nap the morning away. The light was perfect, the covers all warm and snuggly, my pillow cool...just right. Awwww...

And now I have to get going all over again! Time to trim my hair, hop in the shower and get ready to show my face to the world again. In short, I got called into work on my day off. Oh well,, nothing else planned or going on and I could use some diversion, for sure! Woke up so horny this morning that twice off still hasn't killed the urge, so it is going to be a weird day for sure. Wonder what guys I am working with today?

This was a great weekend, but I don't have time to write about it now. The Guys Breakfast on Saturday and then church yesterday was so good! Had some awesome talks and times with friends, so yeah, life is good. I'll tell ya all about it later. Oh, and I still need to write about the Mens Retreat at Tall Oaks too! Thanks for the reminder, whoever that

Now if I can just get rolling, I'll have a chance at another good day! Pax.

Friday, May 14, 2010

This is it...

Bittersweet Mourning

I must to bed away.

I have put my thoughts on PAPER this time, you foul machine, and will place them here later today.

Serenity now. I am crashing fast.

Sleep tight. Morning comes with bright.

G'nite all.

Deep Breath...keep breathing...

Okay, I am freaking trembling and shaking in frustration and anger at the moment, about ready to donkey punch something but need to retain some composure and talk out why I am feeling this way. It really is an over reaction, but I need to know what can illicit this strong emotional response.

If you look back at my last post, in the comments you will see that Gaypk asked me if I had any female friends. I got home from hanging out with my Dad and brother, saw his question on my Blackberry, cooked some soup and proceeded to answer his question in great detail in the comments section.

While writing, seriously, what had to be the longest post I have ever made, in response to his question, I discovered so much about myself. In the writing itself, I saw a pattern in my life and found answers for some of the questions I have always had about myself. This writing that occurred was scary, illuminating, revealing, intimate and touched something deep, burrowed far down into my core as a person, and as a guy.

I read it back to myself, this answer of mine. Paused for a second, decided to send it out there, as raw and exposed as it actually was. An honest answer to an honest question...

And my freaking, stupid ass, monkey twisted, cursed excuse for an assembly of electronics circuits and sparks ate all the words and I lost them all!

They are all gone!

This amazing answer I had for myself, in all those words, that spelled out so much to ME are GONE!


This is the exact reason I have always journaled on paper, in ink, in a leather bound book.

I have lost a part of myself. I am mad. I am scared. I captured a piece of myself and now its gone.

And not just gone...destroyed through some whim of Blogger. Some random, effed up error message that didn't mean shyte, except, Eff you, Daemon! We don't give a shyte about how you feel, what you saw there and what you learned. Eff of you stupid worthless fuck!

I want to cry. I want to scream. I am just shaking...

But I don't think it is because I lost my words into the mysterious electronic world of ether and space.

I am pretty sure that I saw something there that I wrote that scared the bat shit out of me and made me wonder about everything I have ever lived for. I remember the gist of what I wrote. I am going to re-answer the question in just a bit. I cannot recapture the phrases again, but I have seen into a depth of pain I did not know existed in me. The answer was not tortured or scary, just a simple relation of the facts of my life. It was raw. It was real.

It was me.

I have to take a break. I'll be back after I get my composure and senses gathered, but it will be soon. I do not want to lose what I had there. I must get something down while it's still fresh in my head.

Give me a sec'

Thursday, May 13, 2010

I wonder...

I wonder:

...why I almost always remember my dreams in vivid detail, odd as they may be? my friends always seem to know when I need a phone call, text or email on a rough day?

...why birds like to crap on my car, right after I wash and wax it?

...exactly how many licks it DOES take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?

...when I am going to feel like an adult for an entire 24 hour period of time? I lose my keys, daily, on the way out the door?

...why it takes so much work to cook breakfast and serve it hot?

...when the guy I see in the mirror is going to look familiar for once?

...what happened to all my shipmates in the Navy?

...why I do not spend more time helping others, instead of myself?

...who people see, when they see me?

...if there is any one else in the world who thinks like I do?

...what my life would be like if I was heterosexual?

...why God loves me, such as I am?

...who I am going to be when I grow up more?

...why I feel so secure around men, but terrified around women?

...who misses me when I am gone?

...why greeting cards are so expensive?

...if I will ever find a tattoo I want on my body for the rest of my life?

...if my past boyfriends remember me as fondly as I remember them?

...what it must feel like to have an enemy?

...if I have ever met a stranger?

...why I talk so much, and then fall strangely silent at times?

...if my brain really DOES remember everything, but the problem is in the recall? many thousands of books I have actually read?

...why some milk is labeled "Real"? I mean, what is all that other white stuff we call milk?

...why I find the back of a guys neck, so damn sexy?

...what it would be like to move to another country, even for a year? well I could play piano, if I started practicing again?

...why I always have so many questions?

...if I will ever have enough pairs of shoes?

...if my sister likes me? I know she loves me, but does she LIKE me?

...what my parents must think of my mad, mad, mad, mad life? my life would be different if I would have stayed in the Navy for 20 years?

...who I would be if I would have joined the Marines, instead? my classmates from school remember me?

...what makes me cry sometimes?

...if I am in love?

...who I will be in 10 years?

...what God's secret name for me is?

...what I should do today?

...if I will ever have any real answers?

...what would have happened if I had been born into a world without love?

...what chocolate covered bacon tastes like?

...if I will ever own my own restaurant? long it will take me to get my sail boat and just sail away?

I dunno, kind of a silly list, but just what popped into my head.

What do you wonder, sometimes?

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Feeling fragile today...

Waking up now and sipping water as my body and brain reboots. Slept so hard last night, I did not know who, where or when I was when I woke up! Ended up finding my boxers in the kitchen, neatly yeah...I was pretty beat last night. At least I remembered to put the top up on the car before I crashed, since we got some pretty heavy rain after 11pm.

Yesterday was a day of thinking, introspection and soul searching in an informal way I guess. Nothing so profound as sitting in the lotus position and considering my belly button, but a day set apart to examine how I feel about all that is going on. Washed the car, of course, hung out with my Dad a bit in the morning talking church and how they relate to gay people and then went for a cruise into the city. Coffee shop, kite flying and hanging out with some good friends rounded out the day and I wore myself slick. I also fasted yesterday, for the first time that I can remember as a Christian. This wasn't one of those days where I forgot to eat, but rather an intentional choice on my part to simply wait on eating to think more clearly and concern myself more with heart and mind, than my body.

So needless to say, I am pretty damn hungry at the moment and woke up seriously horny too! I did not get off yesterday either, for the first time that I can remember in...I don't know? I do not remember a day where I have not rubbed one out at least once or twice. I wonder if I can make it two days, but I doubt it? My body has a pretty tight grip on my life and I am not sure how to break it or at least wrest control back. I need to stop thinking about it, cause it's waking up now and it is hungry and wants attention!

So what to do today?

I have taken five days off of work to deal with all the things going on in my life in regards to life and its complex issues and am simply enjoying the time where I do now have to be anyone other than me. I know that I am going to cook some breakfast soon, take a shower, get dressed and then...who knows? Tonight is pizza and a movie with Michael and I need some serious cuddle time on the couch. My skin is hungry, if that makes sense?

Well, that is about all that is in my brain at the moment. Have checked up on all my friends, answered my emails and messages and am now ready to start my day. I'll let you know how it goes later on, or might pop back in if something catches my mind. Today is the simple life for me...I hope. I hope!


Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Night Watch

Seem to have much on my mind today, but such is the case when life weighs heavy on the brain. Had a great talk with my friend tonight and he shared some great music from Phil Wickham with me that really boosted my spirits and put me at some peace.

Tomorrow, of course is a new day, and I look forward to filling it with good things. Today was different, because I set it aside for myself. Stayed home all day and did the simple things that needed to be done. Read my Bible, some books that have been waiting, listened to music, finally got my camera and phone downloaded to the computer and just simply lived here at the house, with myself, for just one long day.

Took a nap...had forgotten how good that feels!

Cooked some awesome food and rediscovered just how good fresh fruit and produce really is!

Been thinking much on the parable of the Good Samaritan and how my current life status in many ways mirrors that story that was shared. Will I love and see those in need? How will I minister to him and to them? What will motivate me to do whatever I must, barring all costs, regardless of what people may say or misunderstand for the sake of those I love?

I pray for sunshine tomorrow. I pray for peace in my heart. I long for the future I had planned and am trying to surrender that bright dream for the one He is giving me.

I struggle with my body. It wants so much at times. I get weary of failing. I doubt my faith. I wonder if anyone cares. I give into my desires. I find less fulfillment in them daily.

How to reach others? How to love them as He did? Where to serve and how? What will become of me? Why am I poured out like water? What is this ache in my heart. Where can I go to get away from you? Where ever I run, you are there. No matter how loud the music, strong the drink, dark the night, close the flesh or busy the mind...

You are there.

I want to walk with you. I want to be held. I need more strength than I posses to walk this road. It truly will be the Valley of the Shadow of Death.

I am scared.

I am weak.

I must find the strength to be there till the very end. To resolve to not let go until he says goodbye. How can I stand there and not fall. I tremble even thinking of it.

Where are you God? Why are you quiet? How are you talking? Are you in this rain? Do you see this ache? What will become of me? Do you care? Are you listening? Are you reading my blog?

Do you hear my cry in the night?

Why all the tears over music and church?

Will I find relief?

I do not think I am living wrong. I am seeking your face. I refuse the lies, the simple answers that others try to foist on me.

I need you.

I need you.

I need you.


Monday, May 10, 2010

Sunday is coming...


So many thoughts this morning, as I go about my tasks. Simply putting life in order today seems a burden. A weight is on me. Nothing takes my mind away from the reality that I am operating under.

Why do things seem so shades of gray?

Why the rain?

How do I bring light into a place that seems so dark at times? How to I uphold, lift and sustain those in my life that I find so dear?

In taking care of others, I find that I am neglecting myself and all that I have hope for. Cutting my candle in half and burning all four ends is how I put it to Michael the other night. If I am not there for myself, then I am no use to others.

I can only burn so hard, so hot and so bright for others for so long...

In need of strength and help I am.

I am turning around and around, my eyes falling on so many different situations and trials. How to make it right? How to find my way? How to carry myself and others through this place of pain and loss?

Why is it all so unfair at times?

How can so many, need so much, all at the same time?

I need to gather myself, into myself and prepare for this journey.

I will walk with you...if you will walk with me.

I need Him.

No peace yet.

This is the First Day...

Woke up this morning with this song running through my head. No alarm, no noise, no odd dream, just waking up to the gentle sound of a spring rain tapping softly on the sky light. The room was cast in a muted gray, green light, as I had shut the curtains last night before I went to bed. More like crashed into I was so tired after Mother's Day was finally over.

It started at 5 am, when I got up and started putting it all together. All the things that it takes to make a successful day for those I love and the one I care about. Headed off to church and got a surprise! My friend Keas was preaching for Mother's Day! He was an intern at my church all last fall and summer and it was awesome to get to know him and share life with such an amazing follower of Jesus. He is graduating from Princeton this week, but took the time to swing by and catch up with his friends here in Kansas City. He has been all over the world in the short time he has been on the earth and truly lives out his faith and His love to others. Check out his blog if you want. He is one cool cat!

Keas Keasler and his Blog

Caught up with a few friends and made plans for our Men's Breakfast this next Saturday morning. Looking forward to seeing everyone again and sharing some time and space. Talked to David for a second and then it was off to swing by 303 to make an appearance and love on my community for a bit. Good to see Gene and Jeff and they were soooo busy for Mother's Day brunch! Made a round of the place and then jumped back in the car to swing by the house and grab the meat, charcoal and salad fixings. I was so glad the weather was nice and I had the top down all day!

Grabbed the food and headed out into the country to my little sisters house. She had some friends over already and the cooking had commenced. Met them and got my apron on and cooked some MEAT! Boneless Beef Spare ribs, Pork Baby Backs, Kansas City Strip Steak, Garlic Chicken, Italian sausage,, nom, nom! We also had fresh snapped green beans, some kick ass stuffed ravioli and pesto (brothers wife is Italian) salads, mashed potatoes, glazed carrots, fresh baked bread and finished with Chocolate covered strawberries, Cheesecake with Fresh fruit, Cupcakes (made by my little nieces and nephews with SOME help) and coffee!

Finally when the feeding was all over, everyone settled back with some good wine and the talking started. So GOOD to spend time with Mom and Dad, my siblings, their partners and various friends. Caught up with Bryan, my oldest brother and spent some time talking about life, business, our relationships, our parents, all the business and shop that brothers who are now adults have to handle.

I am so blessed by family and made all this happen....with a little help from Dad of course! :D

So yeah, got out of there and actually came home and crashed pretty hard. It had been a long day and I was weary. Michael just relaxed all day. He needed to rest up for another big week and does not have the luxury of time that seems to be present in my life right now. It would have been SO good to have him there, but I understood too. We're gonna wait on that for a bit, time will tell us when it's right to start sharing family. Man, he is in my thoughts so much lately. I am pretty sure I am kind of falling in love, but this is so different than anything in the past. Is it possible that I am getting it right this time? He is such a gift!

So yeah, rain today...grrr...but everything looks so green and beautiful. It is about time for me to head out so I will wrap this up. Another week is beginning and...

It IS the first day of the rest of my life! I am so excited! Such an encouragement to know that I get to do this thing all over again, for at least one more day!


Sunday, May 9, 2010

Happy Mother's Day!

Woke up this morning, after hitting the sack early, to a strange dream still lingering in my head. I do not remember all of it, but it involved shedding light on the lies and manipulations of those I work for (fictitious, not my real job, dream job) and then finding myself fired in a public setting, like a huge jury or tribunal of my peers in the company. I was treated like I was mentally imbalanced and dangerous! This all occurred at some huge corporate retreat in the hills of Northern California and I was left there, with my belongings (and my furniture for some reason?) in the middle of no where. I woke up with this tremendous feeling of loss, injustice and pain for telling the truth about what I saw happening and being paid back in a horrible manner by a group of people who SHOULD have welcomed what I was saying, as it effected their lives and future.

Weird...I cannot imagine what Jesus must have felt like at the eventual and final rejection He felt at the hands of his people. My people left me in the woods with no way home, they left Him on a tree to die...but HE had a way home! Wow! What a Saviour!

Anyway, it is Mothers Day and I am scampering about quietly trying to get today in order. I have the meat all prepped, the veggies ready, salad fixings assembled and now need to get ready for church. We are having a BBQ at my lil sis' place in the country with all the family and friends. I am so excited to hang out with them, as it has been awhile since my schedule has let me. It will be good to catch up and simply hang out. There is something magical that happens when you get my family together. I think it is that sense of belongingness and pride that one feels in being accepted and loved in a group. We are family!

I love my Mom!

Yeah, so kind of in a weird head space, but that is okay. Got coffee this morning with friends, church, family BBQ and then Michael and I will take off and do our own thing tonight. His family is a bit broken and scattered, so I feel for him today and know that he just needs someone to love on him. He is a single mother after all...with the doggieand all! :P

So, wherever you are, call your Mom, write her a note, send her flowers, just let her know you love her. If she is gone, say a prayer for her and express your love to another Mom you may see today. She just might be missing her kids too.



PS: Thank you so much for all the messages and email of encouragement. And a special thank you to Joe who sent me a tremendous care package in the form of truth. Check out his blog sometime at Joe's Blog

Friday, May 7, 2010


Smokey and mysterious is my mood,
As I stand here mocking
the insanity that fills to the rim
Like a good cup of Joe,
I let you go...

And there you fell to a death
That was only yours.
You let him lead you down a
Primrose Path
Without a map.

He said he loved you.
At least I never lied.
And as far as kindness goes
you never tried.

Leaving you up on the cliff
Up on the rope
I saw you choke.
I had to laugh at such a bitter cause.

Leaving you just hanging there
Dangling in the breeze,
Children should be seen and not heard!

I didn't mean to put up
To shut off, to end it all.
I thought that this would teach you a lesson?
Now you're strung out
And strung up
And flat out broke...

I think I left your headlights on...

Thursday, May 6, 2010

Marriage is so Gay!

I totally love this wedding march! Check them out and enjoy their love! This is what I want at my wedding someday...with my own spin, of course! :)

What to do... is 10 am and this day is shaping up to be pretty damn good! Whoops...sorry about that 'damn' in Woke up waaaaaay too early for going to bed so late, ended up porning out cause I was stressed and horny, but got that squared away. Now what to fill my day with? Going out with Michael and his BFF Chris tonight for some serious Mexican food at Jalapenos in Brookside. Cool little restaurant that my friend Debbie and her husband owns.

I know I am going to get some yard work done. Have a few shrubs and hostas to get into the ground, putter around the garden a bit and maybe do some trimming around the place. Kind of spruce it up for company in case we head back here. I love having friends over and seeing the enjoyment they get out of this space I am making for myself. Need to shop for a gas BBQ grill. (blasphemy I know, don't worry, I still have my charcoal Weber and my hickory smoker and the Big Green Egg) I just need something I can fire up quick to sear some chicken or steaks for company and a rapid, healthy meal. This is the summer of Smoke and Fire! I can feel it. Need to thaw some steaks for Mother's Day this weekend. Bought some AMAZING beef at the Farmers Market that I am dying to taste. HUGE steaks and a full packers brisket to smoke. I know my Dad is going to like that!

Might head out to the lake today, for a bit. See if Austin has his dock in and situated and just kind of hang around the marina and yacht club. Always stuff to do and people to see. :) It is nice to watch winter shaking off the whole community like rain drops and people getting out and about for Spring and Summer. I cannot wait till the water warms up and it is once again time to carve some water and hoist some sail. (the canvas kind, not the tent in your pants kind)

Hmm..thinking about taking four days off next week to hit the road for a bit. Going to head down to Eureka Springs for some R and R and time to think on the road? Time to zoom around some twisties and think about life right now. It is always a great place to explore, hike, relax at the spa, get a massage, shop for art, write, take photos and kind of get re-centered on what my priorities are. I like to hit the open road as much as possible and this looks to be a good time to pause and reflect, grab some me space and just breathe. Plus, Spring is SO beautiful down in the Ozarks. Yeah...need to make some reservations later today. Good idea, Daemon! :D

The rest of the weekend is kind of shot with work and family. Need to grab some stuff (what do you buy for the lady who everything in the world that my Dad can possibly provide?) for Mom and Mother's Day too. We are all heading out to my little sisters place for Sunday and just grill, eat, hang out, enjoy the kids and kind of catch up on every body's life and stuff. It will be good to see my brother again. We have been so busy. Would do me good to sit down with him and Dad and sort some circumstances and options out. Get their take on my current life situation. Thinking about having Michael come along, if he's not headed south to visit his family? That might be good! I'll ask him tonight. Chris has been rattling around the house since Hal is out of town with work, poor guy. Just him and those three crazy dogs! Tonight will be great!

Hmm..that's about it. Got my running done, time to clean up, scrape off my face and get my day going, such that it is. To all those who have been praying for me, many thanks! I love you all.



I'm sorry that I'm a Christian

This was shared by Pomoprophet...another blog buddy. You can find him to the right of my blog list or right down there! He has some great thoughts, words and perspective.


Powerful stuff. Take a moment to listen. Peace,


Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Dear Church...

Dear Church Family,

It is hard to believe that it has been over four years since I first walked in that Sunday morning, scared to death of being rejected, but seeking truth. How time has passed and life has changed in many ways. It still seems like yesterday that I met Melissa and she started talking to me about Jesus and this place she hung out called Jacob's Well. Little did I know that those long conversations at the Broadway Cafe would bring me to such a place as this?

From those first questing and awkward conversations with Tim, came a hope and acceptance that maybe, just maybe, I had found a place where questions would be welcomed and answered and that I would not be flung into the streets as I had been so many times before. I remember speaking with him after the first service and opening up a bit about my life and the guy that I loved and was dating. I will never forget that warm smile, the crinkled eyes behind glasses, the jaunty pony tail and strong handshake when he told me that he hoped that I would, "Come and see...".

This was the first man of Faith I had ever met that simply stood evenly, side by side with me on the earth and saw inside of me the possibility of me being one of God's beautiful children. I miss him every week, but also know that God is using him mightily in New Zealand now.

Strange how time flies, huh?

After meeting God that cold January night in the chapel of St. Luke's Hospital, I remember all the bewildering thoughts and fears I had about what to do now? How the Samaritan woman at the well must have felt about her own sordid life, when Christ offered her salvation and living water. Such strange ways to say something so simple as...Hope.

I had a chance at Hope!

The way that you have taken me in over the years has been life altering and priceless. When I was hungry, you fed me. When I was naked, you clothed me. When I was thirsty, you gave me drink. When I had no where to lay my head safely at night, you provided shelter. All this you have done for me.

In all of these ways and more, you have lived Jesus to me. You have been strong and Righteous men, who showed me how to live as a man, never being scared or afraid of my difference. You have been Godly women, who have shown me that my fears of girls are simply broken and unfounded myths. In all ways, you have lived to me and for me an example of what true community is. Your arms and hearts have been open without reservation. Wow...

None of this road has been easy. There have been no questions that answers came quickly and without some pain, but through it all, you have become my family. A strong group of brothers, sisters, mothers and fathers, little children and wise older people who have decided, because of HIS love for you, that you would love me too.

I can never thank you all enough.

As time goes by and I grow, I know that I am not always easy to understand. There are times when I stray off, get confused or hurt and generally show my spiritual age in some of the poor and foolish choices I make. I am sorry if I have ever offended in my bluntness, confused in my lack of understanding or hurt someone in my clumsy attempts at loving back. Thank you for the forgiveness you always offer, as individuals and corporately. Thank you for being the community that I needed, the family I never knew I missed and the friends and soul mates that my heart longed for.

You bring music to my ears, hugs to my body, shoulders to my tears, hands to my trembling and eyes that seek to know and be known. Always a safe place I have found with you. You have been church to me in the streets, church to me in your homes, church to me where you found me. Always body, always branches, always whole.

I cannot measure this love. I cannot grasp this faith. I cannot love you back. I cannot leave this place ever unchanged, unmarked, unblessed, unfazed, unloved and unknown.

So Church...while thinking of you tonight and the picture of God's amazing grace you have been to me, a poor and lost gay guy who was just looking for some truth that night all not so long ago...I want to say thank you.

Jude 22

And some...having compassion...making a difference.



This one is for Michael. I heard this tonight on my way home and thought and cried for you. If I would take it all away, I would.

Know this...I am here for you.

Hump Day...

Well it is Wednesday (Hump Day) and I just woke up a few moments ago. It is amazing to me the resilience of the human mind and they way it can simply move thoughts and reality out of your head for sleep and then reboot them once we are awake. I got some great rest, which I desperately needed, and am ready to finish this week out. A lot on my schedule and plate at the moment, but I can and AM taking it one day at a time.

So yeah, much heavy news to contend with and a shift in perspective of life with friends and family. I am on call all day today, so it feels like a day off, with something hanging over my head called work. This kind of cracks me up, cause it mirrors how I feel about all the life events that have transpired in such a short time. I will forget all the brooding shadows for a moment and then they jump back on me when I least expect it. Like, POW! Did you forget about us?!

Going to wash the car in a bit and grab some breakie with my parents. They have been such an encouragement and source of strength these last few months and I feel so privileged to count them as some of my dearest friends and assets in life. Most guys in my circumstances (younger, gay, attached) are often estranged and cut off from family due to poor choices and lack of love and information. My heart goes out to them and wish that more families would find a way to love each other more, instead of letting society or organized religion frame their relationships.

I am sure that as time goes on my writing here will become more intentional and a purpose and theme may start emerging. I typically just jump on here and ramble about random crap, and while that is good, I think that moving into this space with some direction and idea of purpose would be a good thing for me. Each post has just been kind of a mental and emotional blurb about the constancy and immediacy of my life, but I might just like a bit more structure and framework for my thoughts. I might just be making this up as I go along, but it would sure help me find some discipline in a scattered area of my life.

Kind of like my room right now. The house is clean, everything looks swell. The gardens are blooming, the landscaping is in order, the dishes are done but my bed room...? Kind of messy in there. I have learned that how my sleeping quarters look at times, tends to reflect my current mental state. At the moment, I know I have at least 10 pairs of shoes that need to go back in their boxes, and stack of clean laundry that needs to get back into the armoir and just general tidying up that will be done as soon as I finish here. I kind of like living in a den of sorts when my life is jumbled. It kind of gives me a sense of security and makes my space feel lived in. I would say there is a certain order to the chaos and the things placed around show me what is going on in my life at the moment. I can keep it cool and dark and each night return to my little man cave to rest and sleep, like a burrowing beastie. But, I need some cleaning done in my head and heart as well, so it is time to get it all set straight. Funny thing is, I love it when my bedroom is all clean, but it still feels like a hotel room when I wake up that

Let's see, shower, room clean, car clean, cut my hair and shave and grab some clothes and cash for the day. It is beautiful and sunny and I hope this flurry of activity will help me settle my questioning and seeking heart a bit. I have much on my mind, but I am going to just let go of it for a bit and try to enjoy this little day, right in the middle of my week. I hope you will do the same.

What areas in your life need to be brought into order? Where do you find clutter at times when life is a bit overwhelming? What space do you relax in when it is all just too much to handle at the same time? I know my sloppiness drives Michael mad at times, as he strives to bring order out of chaos each and everyday, in his mind, his body and his environment. I would do well to learn from him, as he never rests each night until the whole place is in order and the next day is carefully laid out and planned. What I saw as very cute at first, is actually a great way to live. I dunno, maybe I'll start working on the order in my life a bit more. Maybe it could bring me a bit of peace?

Hope all is well with all of you. Let me know what is up, if you feel like and sign my guestbook over there to the right if ya want! Enjoy your hump day!

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

The Storm

Right now my heart is heavy with pain and grief. New information so close to home that alters all that I see, touch, feel and hold.

I do not know how to process this pain.

What does this all mean for me, for us, for our future?

May I find the strength to be there for him, to stand strong, to listen well, to hold as long as needed, and somewhere, when the time comes to let go.

I look as I did in the mirror, but such a weight on me. What must he be going through?

I could use some prayer.