Monday, November 29, 2010

Awake during the day!

Got home from work this morning around 5 am and got some much needed sleep! I am enjoying my night job quite a bit. It is kind of a no-brainer and I would love it if I didn't have to put up with two things. The first one is lust. I head up a night crew at a local grocery store now (how is that for a career change!) and I work primarily with college guys and high school senior athletes. It is sure easy on the eyes but one thing that stunned me is how much I can objectify guys as sexual objects at times. It is hard for me to keep my eyes off of bodies and relate to other guys in a direct and professional manner at times, especially if they fit "my type". This is something that I could use some prayer on. It has been pretty humbling. It is one thing to confront that with close friends and yet quite another with my peers and employees at work. I need to get past this somehow in my head and see people, not bodies, butts and cocks. The other thing is the culture of homophobia and gay jokes. I swear at times it is like working in a locker room at times with all the talk and insecurity displayed. I am going to have to take a stand about maintaining some professional conduct and also consider my options about being out at work. Would they be so cruel and crass about stuff if they new that the new guy is gay? I also know there are a few other gay/bi guys at work and the pain they feel at times really shows. I am not sure what to do right now, but am thinking on it.

It is soo cool to be awake during the day and not some nocturnal creature of the night! I start my day job today at a local restaurant and I am so friggin' excited to be getting back to waiting tables and cooking in the kitchen! My passion has always been in the food and service industry and with my sights set on Culinary School, this feels like Christmas has come early! I have a few hours before I head out, so am cooking breakfast and going through my morning routines that I have sorely missed the past few weeks. It feels good to be rested and seeing the sun all at the same time!

I am planning on getting my decorations all up this week and at the risk of sounding like a dork, I am really digging listening to Christian music again. I have been exploring some new music and lately nothing in the car and house has been something uplifting. Guess I missed hearing about Jesus in music? I got to remember the simple stuff. I get so distracted at times I guess.

Another weird thought this morning, I have not had sex since September. Not once, not with anyone. I know that might not sound like a huge thing to some of you, but for me that is quite a victory. I am not saying I have always lived as some promiscuous bastard, but I have always either been in a relationship or at least had something on the side. I find my sexual appetite is just as strong as ever, but I am trying something here that friend from church challenged me to do. Just stop chasing after sex and intimacy with guys for the moment. He didn't say that I could not do it, but he strongly hinted that he didn't think it was possible. I am kind of stoked about how it has been going! Is that weird? My life is a bit more simple. I don't feel like I am hunting for something all the time and my emotions are a lot more stable about life. Weird...I would have thought that a couple months without sex and I would be a angry, frustrated idiot, but I guess not? Now, I still haven't done anything about porn and jacking off all the time, but I am taking some baby steps. I just want to see some discipline and self control in my life for once and it looks pretty good I must say.

Welp, time to eat breakfast and get my day started. Want to get my haircut and look sharp for this afternoon. Hope you are all well and that life finds you in a good spot!


Friday, November 26, 2010

True Colors

I so needed to see and hear this today. It does get so much better. If you are in a hard place and need a lift...just press play and sit back.

We are not alone...

Watching all those faces and hearing the voices of so many like me and those that love them lifted up saying, " Hey, it's okay. You are loved. I see you." Hard not to cry and laugh all at the same time. :)

Be blessed today,



Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

~William Ernest Henley

Why a Blog?

I just thought of something this morning? Why do I blog? What is the reason that I take time to ponder things and write them out here in this space?

Kind of in a strange mood this morning. Thanksgiving was great this year but also very different from those in the past. I worked all night on Wednesday and got off work at about 6 am. I was hoping for some sleep before the day began, but it never happened. I was able to lay down for about 15 minutes but then time and family schedule pulled me back up into the shower to start the day.

The dinner was great and time spent with family and friends was amazing. It is always good to get us all together  in one place and share time and talk about what has been going on in this year. I got there early and set into the task of helping my sister and everyone cook. This was the first year my little sister actually cooked the turkey so it was fun seeing her joy in how fantastic it turned out! I was pounding coffee while carving it up, listening to music and hanging out in the kitchen while everyone who showed up to help. After a few hours, people started pouring in and the house was full. I, on the other hand, was completely beat. I had about 6 hours of sleep in the last 2 days and it was showing. I loved how when we came together, everyone grabbed each others hands and we stood there together, joined as a family and group of our friends to offer thanks for all the ways we are truly blessed. It is so good to be hooked back into this crazy group I call family. There were times in the past when we were apart and this year was so blessed.

I made it through the dinner and then started fading fast. I attempted to take a nap in one of the guest bedrooms but kept getting interrupted by picture time, by "Pin the tail on the turkey",  by the patter of little feet and the constant calling for me to come back just one more time. Finally I had to call it a day. I felt pretty bad leaving early as we usually watch the game or a movie and stay up late into the night talking and sharing, and then head down to the Country Club Plaza for the Lighting Ceremony, but my bed was calling my name and it was not kidding around! I made the rounds saying goodbye and exchanging hugs and kisses and went back home to sack out. While it wasn't the usual holiday for me, it certainly was much better than others I have had in the past. Some years have been so hard.

This year was weird. Being single today was a bitter sweet feeling. I felt kind of strange not having someone special to share it with. My heart still hurts and longs for one that I walked away from. I wonder how he was today. I couldn't even bring myself to call him. I know people were wondering where he was, but I am so thankful that no one asked. I think I prolly would have just started crying.

So why do I blog? I think I come here to say the things that are hard to say. To find a space where I can vent my frustrations and explore the doubts and fears I have about life. This is a spot where I have the freedom to say and feel exactly as it really is. Some of the guys who show up here know me, many more do not, but it is a bit of sanctuary. I write in my journals all the time, but that is different. In those books I write for me and would freak out if someone read them, that raw unedited dialogue in my head. Here I write or think out loud, hoping to share where I am at and who I am. I guess I am hoping for some guidance, for some understanding. For someone in this huge world to see a piece of my life and let me know that I am not alone. That this experience we share called life finds us all at odds with ourselves and the worlds sometimes.

I also write to share my joy and happiness, the hope I have for the future and all the turns in my path that I find myself on. I really don't know who reads these words. Sometimes I almost feel I have to edit my thoughts on the off chance that someone will get offended or misunderstand me, but isn't that often the case? That no matter how well we try to communicate, someone out there isn't going to get it? This place just lets me sit down every now and then, put my feet up and talk to myself out loud, while inviting others to participate with what is going on in my head. Life is strange like that.

Without the sharing it starts becoming pointless.

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Pain inside

NOTE: This post was written when I was very upset and frustrated. I find myself in a more calm place now but wanted to warn you guys that it does contain profanity and some things that will be offensive. I want to stress I do love my friends, even when we do not agree and I  hope that you will read this for what it is; simply a snap shot of some of the stuff that storms through my head when I get down.

It is currently 5:25 am in the morning and I am in the middle of watching a documentary called FagBug. I finally just stopped it and needed to write some stuff down that is going through my head, I guess to just get it out there in words where I can look at it.

Anyone can look at my blog here and see what kind of struggle and confusion I am going through in life right now. I am a gay guy raised as an almost Christian, who then found faith later in my life and is now struggling with being a Christian and with being gay.

Some days I am cool with it all. Stuff doesn't bother me, life goes on. Other days it is a complete and total fight. This is one of those days. I feel kind of torn up inside and the more answers I seek and questions I ask from people the more jacked up and confused I get. I had no idea that choosing to accept my faith would result in such a huge confrontation between friends, family, strangers, churches and myself. I am getting to the point where if I could UNbelieve it all...I would.

There are Christians who hold the belief that my orientation and "lifestyle" is a sin and throw all kinds of verses at me, basically preaching hate at me from their pious and holy places. To them I am the scum of the earth, and you know... since I have heard that my whole life from preachers and churches, it is kind of hard to not let it sink in. You make me feel like total shit. In the past, you convinced me that God does hate me and I deserve nothing better than hell. Some days I am scared to death you are right and that there is no hope for me. You all single handedly can take this amazing and beautiful life I have and make it look like a worthless, perverted, fucked up thing. You hurt me with your words.

You make me feel that God is just like you, sitting up there judging me and wishing for the day when He gets to torture me for being such a jacked up sick fuck. It is hard to not believe you at times. I hear your message and feel its effects each and every day. I can't get your voices out of my head. I hate you for that, for telling me that stuff my whole life, even as a little kid. How cruel and screwed up are you people to treat children like that. To make me hate myself and wonder what was wrong with me? Do you know what that is like, hearing that stuff in Sunday School, knowing they are talking about you and having absolutely no one to talk to about it? I hate you. I really do.

Then I have these "Ex-Gay" people who I ran into shortly after finding Jesus and they told me this whole story about brokenness and confusion and held out some fable about change and hope. I tried to buy into that but in the end I found I was surrounded by a bunch of liars and frauds, peddling psycho babble and platitudes with no real basis in the Bible or belief. I did your little program things, attended your Conferences and even spent time at a residential program for about 3 months till I saw through the hopeless sham it was. You were trying to alter  peoples behavior and exterior and the sad thing was I was the most masculine guy in the whole group, including the leaders!  I just happened to like guys. I do not need someone to teach me how to walk or talk or how to relate to other guys. I know what to do and who I am!

There was nothing about being a "man" you could teach me, except maybe how to love and have sex with women...but you guys didn't do that either! I saw some of your sham marriages. What a crock of shit! I have never felt so preyed upon by older gays before in my life, outside of the gay clubs and bars I hit when I was 19 years old. Trying to just get through the days with the confusion of my housemates, the inevitable attractions and relationships that occur, no wonder I just took off  one morning with out warning and never looked back. What kind of bright idea did you have when you decided to take a bunch of young gay guys and put them in a huge house together and then tell them...don't be gay anymore?  I know all the stories. I have heard all the excuses. I have read your material and propaganda. I am done with you guys! It is a load of crap and you know it  deep in your hearts. You're just too cowardly to admit it. You hide behind your jargon and cute phrases. You have denied reality and found a source of power in your self loathing. You would make me sick, if it did not make me so sad. Thanks for jacking with my head. Thanks for selling a load of garbage to an impressionable young Christian. I hope you feel better about yourselves.

elses life is something to be toyed with? I am a real person! I had a life and future.

Then I met "Christians"  and they insisted that I turn my eyes inward and start dissecting and ripping my life apart, discarding what they counted as trash and refuse and attempt to smash and mold me into something they said God would love. This is nothing but narcissistic self destruction. You all took the very things I cherished most about myself and stomped on them. You tell me I am pure evil and the greatest threat to this country. You hate me, even as you preach love. I cannot walk with you anymore. I will not listen to anything if nothing makes sense. I quit your game. I must find peace.

Why do you have to mess with me? Why do you think that you have to change me to feel better about yourself? I am so confused and hurt right now. I know this post sounds angry and mad but I had to get it out of my head. I will shut up now.


Sunday, November 21, 2010

Scared and Worried

I just heard from Craig that my friend David is missing. He is up in the  mountains near Rifle, Colorado on a hunting trip. Keith and David did not return to the campsite this evening and now a heavy snow storm has moved in. Search and Rescue has been out scouting for them on snow mobiles, but no sign as of yet.

They had to call off the search once night and the storm hit, but they did leave a vehicle at the campsite in case they show up tonight. I spent some great times with David and everyone in the mountains this summer and am hoping that Keith and him are alive and well come morning. If you pray, please do so. My stomach is in knots now.


On being Impulsive

My schedule of life, sleep and work is certainly at odds with each other. There is nothing guaranteed each day except that it will always change. Transitioning from a life of ease all summer long to working two jobs has been interesting to say the least. Some days find me up for over twenty four hours straight while other days are slept away trying to let my body and mind recover. It is almost a culture shock really, but I am enjoying the work and the people I am with. Neither job is what I would call a career but they also don't require much brain power so give me plenty of time to think and listen to music, which I enjoy.

Yesterday started out at the doctors office for some tests and a check up and I had been awake since Friday morning so was feeling a little faded by the time I got out of there. Came home, cooked breakfast and went to bed. Got about 7 hours of sleep and then woke up with a few plans, beautiful weather and a pocket full of money. Not always the best thing for me.

The original plan was to get some coffee at Broadway then head over to church for our art auction that was a benefit for Advent Conspiracy. That was the general idea, but the random got in the way. I decided to stop into a friends club and grab a drink...and then a whole night of craziness ensued. Ran into an old friend from high school, all my regular buddies and we started bar hopping. None of this was planned but I am learning once again how impulsive I truly am. Nine times out of ten, if some one asks me if I want to do something, I will say yes, regardless of the consequences. I don't really think things through I guess. From the club we went to Tomfooleries, then another friends bar, all through Westport and then hit the cigar shop. From dives to underground speak easies, fancy A-list gay watering holes to the scrappiest hole in the wall joints, and each place the drinks went down like water. After a certain point...I simply do not remember anything at all, but that tends to be the case when I over drink.

I ended up blowing about 150 bucks all told and all I have to show for it is some hazy memories and a cigar. I could sit here and justify it to myself, but it really was just a waste of time and money. I used to live like that all the time and had really thought I had seen some change and progress in my life, but I guess old habits die hard. The one consolation I guess was not waking up in some strange guys bed or worse yet, in a good friends bed.

So today was a wash. Slept in till about one pm or so and have just been putting my head and mind back together with the help of copious amounts of water. I wonder what is wrong with me? Today I feel odd. Like I am sitting back and watching some other guy live my life. What am I searching for? Why do I feel incomplete? Is all of this worth it, this striving? Is anything worth it? Should I just chuck it all and just live how ever I want?

Maybe things will look more clear tomorrow. I hope so at least.


PS: The pics are of my friend Liberty. He's a dork, but I love him!

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Is it a choice?

I like this little well as the swipe they take at Bob Jones University at the end. Cue the protesting about an "agenda". :)


Wednesday, November 17, 2010


I stayed up till 4 am and watched this film last night. Amazing story and message about searching for self, for love and the differences between us all. Thanks for the recommend Mathieu!

On a weird emotional note, Trevor Wright, who plays Zach in the film, reminds me so much of my exboyfriend, Nicholas, especially those eyes. Hmm...this movie made me laugh at times, cry at others. Saw so much of myself and growing up in parts of the story. Check it out if you want. I am sure it will have some message for you as well, if nothing know you are not alone.



Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Choosing to be Straight

 This was posted by a friend of mine...just had to laugh! 

Choosing to be Straight
I am not sure what process people go through to choose to be straight.

Do they make a list of pros and cons of being attracted to the same or opposite sex?

Do they study ancient texts of the Bible or read the New Testament word by word?

Do they consult with a religious leader, family members, and friends?

I cannot say because I knew I was straight at age 5. I had a crush on a classmate in kindergarten. I remember it and her clearly. We are still friends nearly 40 years later.

It is amazing that I made the right "choice" since I had no religious instruction at that point and was not familiar with the text of the Bible. There are a few possible conclusions I have drawn as to why I made that choice:

1. Divine inspiration or intervention
2. Sheer luck
3. My own awesomeness

Thank God I made the right choice at age 5! I mean, after all, there was a 50-50 chance I would make the wrong one. Who knew how critical to my life that decision at that age would be for my future?
Imagine if I had made the wrong one:

1. I would have chosen to be ostracized by society.
2. I would have chosen to be shunned and abused by many Christian "faiths".
3. I would have alienated family members and friends.
4. I would have tripled my odds of attempting suicide.
5. I would not be able to marry my partner.
6. I would not have the same rights as other people in this society.
7. I would be crushed every time I heard slurs commonly spoken in daily life about "people like me."

Good Lord, I would never make a conscious decision like that! Who would? Thank God I knew at five what Christian fundamentalists and homophobic people have been telling everyone for years.
Phew, that was a close one! 

Climbing trees...

Luke 19 

And he entered and was passing through Jericho.  

And behold, a man called by name Zacchaeus; and he was a chief publican, and he was rich.

 And he sought to see Jesus who he was; and could not for the crowd, because he was little of stature.

 And he ran on before, and climbed up into a sycamore tree to see him: for he was to pass that way. 

 And when Jesus came to the place, he looked up, and said unto him, Zacchaeus, make haste, and come down; for to-day I must abide at thy house. 

 And he made haste, and came down, and received him joyfully. 

 And when they saw it, they all murmured, saying, He is gone in to lodge with a man that is a sinner.

 And Zacchaeus stood, and said unto the Lord, Behold, Lord, the half of my goods I give to the poor; and if I have wrongfully exacted aught of any man, I restore fourfold. 

 And Jesus said unto him, To-day is salvation come to this house, forasmuch as he also is a son of Abraham. 
 For the Son of man came to seek and to save that which was lost.

I hope you read the passage above, because that is all that I will be talking about in this post. This was the scripture that was spoken about this last Sunday at my church, Jacob's Well, and has been on my mind for the last two days. I realize I have not been posting as much lately, but life is certainly becoming more busy and I am realizing much that I say here has little content or reference to what is truly going on inside my heart and head at times. Relating the facts of my life has always been simple and easy, but to truly dig into what I am feeling and how I am growing is not an easy task.

You know, we read this story, or hear it and the first thing that pops into my head at least, is the Sunday School song about Zacchaeus and how he was a "wee little man". I had never really looked at this story to see what it means today, in light of our culture and current events. This is what I have been kicking around...

Jesus is passing through. This we know. As His disciples, His church, we know that we are called in this world to be an example and witness to others of Him. The things that he taught and more importantly, lived out, are still the message of hope to this world that He wants us to communicate by our words and actions. I think we could all agree on that.

There is this guy Zacchaeus. Now he could be anyone, but one thing we do know. He is a high ranking tax collector. In that day and age, he was the scum of the earth. He was aligned with the Romans and took part in oppressing his own people financially and profited from it. In other words, he was the type of person the churches or religious groups of the day hated. We have many of those today, do we not? "Worldly" people with lifestyles and habits that are not approved by the organized groups who say they hold the ticket and keys to God. So Zacchaeus was one bad guy. We got it.

Now he had heard that Jesus was coming by and wanted to see him, maybe talk to Him? For some reason he had an interest in this guy that he had heard everyone talking about. He shows up and because of the crowd, cannot even see Him. So he climbs up this tree so he can see Jesus. Jesus spots him and says, "Hurry up and get down here, I am coming to your house today." So he comes on down and meets up with Jesus and he is seriously happy! Not only did he see Him, but Jesus looked up and said I am coming on over to your house. He gets to be the host. Suddenly he is not longer the scum of the earth, at least in Jesus's eyes. That is because he never was.

The crowd then gets all pissed off because, what the hell? Jesus is going over to some sinners house? I am sure they were disgusted by Zacchaeus and his life and his actions and they could not understand why in the world Jesus would want to hang out with someone like him. It made no sense to them at all. Why wouldn't Jesus want to come over to the "good peoples" house and sit around with the accepted Godly leaders of the day? Who is this Zacchaeus guy?

So during the course of the afternoon, Zacchaeus stands up and tells Jesus that he is going to give away half of all his stuff to those who have need and also pay back FOUR times the amount that he has take from others in any kind of dishonest manner. His life actions were showing what he believed. This wasn't something Jesus asked him to do, in fact it was more than the law of the day demanded. His personal convictions led him to take actions that he saw fit in order to show that his encounter with Jesus Christ that day had personally changed him. This wasn't something the crowd of leaders pushed on him either. His actions were his choice alone.

Jesus says that this day salvation has come to your house and calls him a child of Abraham. He puts him on equal footing and standing as all the other "good people". The story is then closed up with statement that Jesus came to seek and to save, that which was lost.

So what does all that mean to me?

I think it makes a great picture of what the church has become today. Zacchaeus is the single gay guy or gay couple, the gay family with children, the person who drinks alcohol, maybe does recreational drugs. They are the single unwed mothers, the homeless guys, the people from some other ethnicity different than our own, the divorced people, the dating couple who live together, the illegal immigrants,  all the people who do not look or act like whatever your version of Church is. He is the one that the crowd, the Church, shuts out. The ones that cannot get to Jesus, not only because of their standing in the community and stature, but simply put...because the crowd will not let them. They are cast off, the condemned,  the maligned the hated and cursed in the eyes of the professional Christians of the day.

Now these Zacchaeus', of which I am one, have always been pushed away, blocked out, told to stay away, have heard that Jesus is coming by. In our lives, either through the words and actions of another person who loves us, our families and upbringing or simply our own journey of faith, we hear about the Gospel, We know Jesus is coming. Something is stirring in our lives spiritually and we go to seek Him out. Because of the words and actions of the "christians" we know we will never get a chance to be near we climb a tree.

That tree, whatever it may be in our own lives, puts us in direct line of sight with Jesus. We have to get above the heads of this crowd, these people who say salvation is not for us. And what does Jesus do? He looks up. He truly sees us and says, "I am coming to your house today." He give us a chance.  You see, Jesus already knows where He is going. He is not led by handlers. He is not controlled by denominations or pastors and preachers. No one holds on to Him as a possession to be doled out to those they count worthy. He is a person unto himself and no man will stand in His way. He is coming to our house, even when they don't like it at all. He came to seek and to save that which was lost.

We see this all around us today. So many groups of people that the church has always "traditionally" shunned and condemned. We have been told to change our ways before we meet Jesus. You cannot be like that here! We are told to get out of their churches or start our own. We have always been the outsiders looking in. But get this! Zacchaeus was a tax collector when Jesus met him and he was a tax collector when Jesus had gone. 

His encounter with Jesus changed him internally and he began living out differently to those around him. He did not become taller. He did not quit his job. He was still Zacchaeus. I am sure those crowds of people still hated his guts, but he had met Jesus.

Have you climbed a tree lately?

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Salute to my Fallen Brothers in Arms: Duty... Honor...Country

Duty...Honor....Country”, began General Douglas MacArthur in his final address to the Corps of Cadets at West Point, “those three hallowed words reverently dictate what you want to be, what you can be, what you will be. They are your rallying point to build courage when courage seems to fail, to regain faith when there seems to be little cause for faith, to create hope when hope becomes forlorn.

These are some of the things they will do. They build your basic character. They mold you for your future roles as the custodians of the nation's defense. They make you strong enough to know when you are weak, and brave enough to face yourself when you are afraid.

They teach you to be proud and unbending in honest failure, but humble and gentle in success; not to substitute words for action; not to seek the path of comfort, but to face the stress and spur of difficulty and challenge; to learn to stand up in the storm, but to have compassion on those who fall; to master yourself before you seek to master others; to have a heart that is clean, a goal that is high; to learn to laugh, yet never forget how to weep; to reach into the future, yet never neglect the past; to be serious, yet never take yourself too seriously; to be modest so that you will remember the simplicity of true greatness; the open mind of true wisdom, the meekness of true strength.

They give you a temperate will, a quality of imagination, vigor of the emotions, a freshness of the deep springs of life, a temperamental predominance of courage over timidity, an appetite for adventure over love of ease. They create in your heart the sense of wonder, the unfailing hope of what next, and the joy and inspiration of life. They teach you in this way to be an officer and a gentleman…

The code which those words perpetuate embraces the highest moral laws and will stand the test of any ethics or philosophies ever promulgated for the uplift of mankind. Its requirements are for the things that are right, and its restraints are from the things that are wrong…

You are the leaven which binds together the entire fabric of our national system of defense. From your ranks come the great captains who hold the Nation's destiny in their hands the moment the war tocsin sounds.

The long gray line has never failed us. Were you to do so, a million ghosts in olive drab, in brown khaki, in blue and gray, would rise from their white crosses, thundering those magic words: Duty, Honor, and Country…

General MacArthur ends…“The shadows are lengthening for me. The twilight is here. My days of old have vanished—tone and tints. They have gone glimmering through the dreams of things that were. Their memory is one of wondrous beauty, watered by tears and coaxed and caressed by the smiles of yesterday. I listen then, but with thirsty ear, for the witching melody of faint bugles blowing reveille, of far drums beating the long roll.

In my dreams I hear again the crash of guns, the rattle of musketry, and the strange, mournful mutter of the battlefield. But in the evening of my memory I come back to West Point. Always there echoes and re-echoes: Duty, Honor, and Country.

“Today marks my final roll call with you. But I want you to know that when I cross the river, my last conscious thoughts will be of the Corps, and the Corps, and the Corps. I bid you farewell.”

Nothing Spiritual here...

Up too late but adjusting to new schedules. I guess I will be finding sleep when it takes me. Days and night eventually will blur, like my dry eyes without lenses in too bright of sun. Spent some time winding down, watching skin and rubbing a few out. Is this what the single life is at times? My taste in guys kind of is intriguing. So many different physical types, such a varied range of emotional  types. Is that what my eyes and heart does is shop all day for him? That elusive Mr. Right? It is laying awake all night in a bed built for two that only holds one now? When alone, I feel a part of me is missing. Am I looking for my other half? Do I have a missing twin, a missing opposite? Am I looking for me?

Trips down memory lane today are strange. Stumbling over memory and revisiting ground that kind of got blanked out in the years. Bullies in grammar school, beating them down and earning respect, always marching to the tune of an unseen and unheard of by others drum. Rat-a-tat-tat in my own head, guiding my steps and propping up that curled and mischievous grin. I was supposed to be a good Christian boy but I didn't have enough sense or self consciousness to know that boys weren't supposed to like other boys, weren't supposed to kiss them in the hallways or buy them Valentines. Weren't supposed to hold hands on the bus under our coats or share a bed when the nightmares and nights were too dark to be alone.  If no one told me no, didn't that mean they all told me yes?

Time fleets, faces and names, kind of tired in head and heart. So many years, places, beds, rooms, rooftops, cars, woods, tents. All these places love shared, lust roared at times, lambs and lions, meek and lowly. God save us all.

Each time I choke something out of me, either words, tears, laughter, songs or I lose some of me, or contribute to the world, or nothing? What if it all doesn't matter at all? What if it is all just some comic and cosmic joke? These people so near, when not prompted seem to forget I am here. What do they want? Who are they now? Why is control so important to those who do not have any over their ownselves?

I'll lay awake later in cool sheets under warm blankets and stare at a dark ceiling until sleep steals my thoughts. Worry on health and hurt will pass behind my eyeballs where the real thinking starts. Whiff of deodorant when shifting over, pillows balled tightly, arms and legs tussled, I will wrap me away out of harms way, at least for one night. What dreams and nightscapes find me I know not, just scraps of memory left on the morrow.

Sun up to sun down. Toil and play. What to wear, things to eat, wash the body, sing to self, greet strangers, move things, drive cars, gaze at sky, lust after horizons, wistfully remember someone, wonder who he is, walking, tossing, turning, wishing, hoping, seeking, sweating, falling, grasping, gasping, glimpsing, wanting, waiting...

On it goes. On it goes. On it goes...

England Forever...

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Feeling good but puzzled

Sitting here listening to some awesome tunes, getting my head wrapped around how time moves and things change. Looks like I will have two jobs now until school starts, which unfortunately will not begin until this next Fall. That was a bit of a disappointment, but I am sure there is some kind of reason for it that I cannot see as of yet.

Having a schedule and places to be now has been pretty good for me. The time I took off was fantastic, but kind of unguided and wild at times. Finding my spot with these two companies looks like it will be pretty easy. My peers are cool and interesting people and management seems to love me already. I couldn't ask for more at the moment. Kind of gives my life a bit more definition. Was kind of funny explaining to people that I didn't do anything for a Drinking coffee, traveling and playing wasn't much of a career choice, though it WAS quite a bit of fun.

Had quite a bit on my mind lately. Been getting over a back injury. Slipped something out of whack in my spine when I was working on my Mustang and was doing really well with therapy, but this morning in the shower, I contorted some how weird while washing my hair and ripped some muscle up near my left shoulder blade. It freakin' hurts! Like someone is stabbing me in the back sometimes. I guess it just reminds me that I am human, but I could do without the pain. I need that to heal up quick since I will be needing my body for work now. Guess that is what happens when you lounge around all summer. I am a big baby when it comes to pain. It is something I am not used to at all. My body pretty much always does its job without any yeah! This sucks.

The holidays are approaching! Whoohoo! I love Thanksgiving and Christmas. This is my favorite time of the year. My eyes turn outward and I start seeing family and friends in a new light. I guess that should be my perspective more, but at this time of the year it gets much easier. Started shopping and planning for Thanksgiving. We will be getting the whole fam together at my little sisters humongous house and also will be grabbing friends that do not have family in the area. Looks like we will have at least 30+ people to feed and hang out with, so I am dang excited! I love cooking and getting groups together to share time, space and love. Plus...the food is always AMAZING!  Then Christmas will be here before I know it. I am going to use the warm weather we have right now to get my lights up and have started imagining how I want to decorate the tree and house this year. I can hardly wait! :) Crap, got to go pee. BRB...

Well, the coffee is working now. I have the day off and will be headed into the city soon. Tonight I have small group at Edward's house where we have been studying about the will of God. It is pretty interesting and certainly something I have wondered about in my life lately. What in the heck am I here for? What would God want from some one like me? How do I fit into community? Who are the people that I am supposed to be ministering to and loving on? I dunno what all this is about, but I am glad to be learning from some guys that certainly are a lot further down the road than I am. I am realizing slowly just how ego-centric and self absorbed I am most of the time. My life has pretty much always been about me and changing that attitude and view point does NOT come easy. In fact, I am pretty sure I cannot change it. I tend to snap out of it when I am in love, dating someone or have someone else to care for and provide for, but when I am single, it always ends up being about me. My days find me searching for things I want, experiences I want to have, places I want to go. How does all that change? I do not know yet, but I know I have more to offer this world than being a well trained consumer of goods and services. All the material possessions and opportunities I have kind of pale when there is no one else to share them with.

God...what the heck am I here for? Who am I supposed to be?

Sunday, November 7, 2010

The busy life

November and Fall are certainly here! Stepped outside this morning and it is COLD! At least to my perspective. I guess I could have put more clothes on than just some PJ pants and a hoodie. Supposed to get up to about 65 during the day, which is great! I am missing summer a bit already. Those morning, just a pair of shorts on and the morning felt good. That sun on my skin was a welcome feeling. Seasons change. You would think I would be used to that by now!

It has been a busy time in life. Many things changing. I have decided I want more of a schedule and picked up a job to work until school starts. Looking forward to having some responsibility and something more to do with my time than come up with creative ways to entertain myself. The break I took was much needed and after 6 months I certainly feel much more in touch with myself and how I am doing in life. It was good to just stop and reconnect. I am thankful I had that opportunity and the courage to just do it. Or not do ever that works semantically.

Some might notice I took my last post down. On review I decided the last thing I wanted to do on my blog here was start some comment war over such a sensitive subject that polarizes so many gay Christians and allies. I still agree with what my friend Steven says, but also realize that there are many who cannot separate emotion from logic and see past the rhetoric and realize how culpable we all are at times in the suffering of others.

Last night I went to a Ray Boltz and Azariah Southworth concert. A friend drove up and joined me for coffee and music and we had a great times listening to these guys stories, the old and new music and seeing another side of Christian culture that has largely been marginalized and over looked. Ray and Azariah both came out a few years ago and their lives have certainly changed. Ray is a musician and song writer in the mainstream Christian culture and upon coming out went from being the hero and "man of God" to being the hated goat among the sheep. His testimony and songs are powerful and speak to me even more, knowing the journey we walk together in this "professional christian" culture that is very short on love, but does a great job at judgment and condemnation. Azariah was the host and producer of Remix, a show on the "Jesus" channels of television. I really can't stand watching those ridiculous programs, but am encouraged by his stand and story as a young gay man who walked away from the conditional success that the American sanitized version of "christianity" offered him. Once he came out, they dropped him like a red headed step child. It was great to meet them both and spend time listening and thinking on how God reaches into each of our lives and loves each and everyone of us. We need to spend more time listening to Him and much less time listening to "them".

So life is busy! Church, work, friends, sports, family, friends and now the holidays are upon us. I love this time of year and am enjoying being buries in activity now for a change. Still getting used to the idea of being single at the moment. Have been on a few dates, but am realizing that what I really crave right now is closer friends and meeting a large group of different and varied people. I am so thankful for all of those in my life who have been pouring out their love, time and attention on me as this year has gone by. You guys rock!

Yesterday was a whirlwind. Orientation at the new job, then over to KS to address the Mayflower Society Compact luncheon. I spoke on the Ladies of Plymouth and then resided as Governor over the business meeting. It is so strange to be so young in such a position. Most of the Society members are more than twice my age over. I think it went well and I am having a great time being more involved. Looks like I will be headed back to Plymouth, MA for the National Congress this next year to represent our State and am so excited to be headed back the East Coast. I have so missed New England since I got out of the Navy. Can't wait! :)

Almost time to get ready for church and head into the city for coffee. Going to my church, then over to MCC, then it will be time for lunch with the buds, watch the Chiefs game and then play some soccer. All in all...a great day. Hope you are well, where ever you are! :)


Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Afternoon break

Wow! It is amazing what a good jolt of coffee and some sunshine can motivate me to do in a mornings time. Woke up today after sleeping, which as of late, is quite strange for me. Usually I am up before the sun, but for some reason my body and bed conspired to hold me snug until 10 am. The sun was streaming in, birds were singing impatiently and for the life of me, I could not remember anything pressing that needed to be done.

I made my coffee, remembered to run up and vote later and then started puttering around the house. Decided to vacuum and dust, since the bright sun was making it evident that bits had settled on the hard wood and surfaces around the house. Upstairs and downstairs in a flurry of activity, and I just kept finding little places and spots to clean, so I decided, what the hell! Lets clean the house! Kitchen, bathrooms, floors, windows, rugs beat and vacuumed, laundry started, fresh linens...I was a regular Merry Man Maid. I prolly looked like a guy possessed but now the house looks and smells so fresh and amazing! I might just have to throw a dinner party to celebrate tonight. Impromtu, thrown together groups are always fun, right?

So then I headed outdoors and decided, hmm, let's clean and organize the garage. That all started because I realized I needed to take a new bag of charcoal out to the shed. Then it was time to clean cars. That only took about 3.5 hours to wash and wax them. I went as far as to clean the wheels with a tooth brush, vacuum the carpets and seats, wash the windows inside and out and throw a coat of wax on each on. Pulled two into the garage and threw the car covers on them. Not sure when they will get out again. They look kind of good under wraps there.

Now I came inside and caught a look at myself in the mirror. LOL!!! I do look like a crazy man. Hair sticking up all over, hands grimy and cold, bare feet, jeans rolled up to my knees and some tattered old favorite work shirt on that has certainly seen better days. BUT...the house and cars are clean. Poured myself another mug of coffee and decided to check mail and do a bit of writing. I have to give an address this Saturday at the National Mayflower Society Missouri Colony, of which I am now Governor, but I have absolutely no idea what to speak on. I will come back to that later.

Guess it is time to shower up, shave, get some clean clothes on and head out to vote and explore my day. Fall Cleaning instead of Spring cleaning certainly did me a world of good. I feel like all is right with the world now, at least for a little while! Hope you are all having a great day. I know I am. Peace.


PS: I wish I had one of these guys over to help me clean my cars this morning. I wouldn't be able to help but stare either! :)

Monday, November 1, 2010

Weekend is done

Monday morning, here we are. Just hopped out of the shower, caught up on emails, texts and voice mail and getting my day started with some coffee, stretching out and generally taking inventory of my mind and body. Thoughts are pretty sharp, brain isn't picking up the rpms yet, but that is okay. Pretty simple day, not a lot of mental gymnastics to be performed. Body is a bit sore, arms are tight but my back and legs are feeling great. That "after a really hard work out" kind of sore. All is well with my world.

The weekend was great and jammed full of stuff. Of course it was Halloween and all that. Hit a few parties for a short time on Saturday and Sunday. Nothing crazy, just some good friends and people. Ended up staying up all night working on some stuff on Friday and was planning on crashing at sun up. Did not happen. I forgot that Stephen wanted me to help him move from his loft downtown to his new house and it totally slipped my mind. I was actually laying in bed when I checked my phone and saw that I was supposed to be at Cascone's for breakfast. Ugh...ran through the shower like a crazy man, threw some clothes on and flew downtown where the adventure began. It was a great day, just a very long one. Finally hit the sack after being up for about 27 hours straight. I was pretty slap happy and manic to say the least. At least I got breakfast, lunch, dinner and some ice cream out of the deal, not to mention some quality time with an amazing friend. Moral of the story, if you feed me, I am pretty much up for anything. I guess I am kind of like a dog. Loyal to a fault, always happy to see those I love and if you can't eat it or hump it...piss on it and walk away. :)

Sunday was interesting to say the least. Had to cook for All Saints Day at the church. I got that done in the wee hours and headed into the city for the 9 am service. It was an all worship Sunday, so that totally rocked. I love Mike and Micah our music leaders. Micah is pretty easy on the eyes too...just saying. I think I have a man crush on him? happens I guess. I am attracted to happy all the time.

Headed out from there to the other church I have been visiting. Their service really touched me. They had a video after the message of all those that our community has lost too soon over the past few years to HIV. As I watched all those pictures and faces, listening to the music, I wondered if one day that is all I would be. A face on a screen at a church that others remembered of a life but too short. I guess I have been really lucky, or protected or something. I have never had an STD in my life, but it is not because I wasn't trying, I guess. I have taken some risks over the years and hopefully learned my lesson. To think of all the close calls, kind of freaks me out. I think God was definitely protecting me over the years. Bleh...don't want to talk about my past right now.

Anyway, headed back to my church for the dinner. Had a blast catching up with everyone from the camping trip and Pilgrimage. We all get way too busy with our lives. It was so good to share a meal and watch this interesting community that I am a small part of. Once done there, headed over to watch the Chiefs game with my buds and have a few beers. Then home for a nap. (That rocked!) Got up just in time to get to my small groups BBQ and then wrapped the night up hanging with Stephen. Got home and managed to touch base with another blog buddy and had a great chat. New friends kick ass!

So yeah...that was my weekend really. Did not get laid, though I was not planning on it, so that was good?  Did not get hammered, also good, just a few brews here and there. (Schlafly Pumpkin Ale is awesome btw) Acquired a new pair of running shoes (thanks Stephen!) and a beautiful piece of art by Eric Disney as gift. That one really stunned me... The car is clean, I am shaved and scrubbed up, the coffee shop awaits and I can tell it is going to be a good day. Hope you all are well! And if you are not, reach out to some one. Life is too short and amazing to live it in pain and silence.