Wednesday, April 27, 2011

PAG: The Lady is Dead

To be quite honest, I have no idea what this video or song is about, though I found it strange and compelling enough to be shared.

What do you feel it is about? I am going to have to watch it at least 3-4 more times before I have an opinion, but I do like the ethereal voice and beautiful imagery.

Civil Liberty vs. Popular Opinion?

It was with great interest that I read this article about how a town chose to react to the protest that was to be staged in their town by the members of the WBC and Phelps Clan.

Mississippi Town Destroys Westboro Baptist Plans
April 21, 2011 By Joni

The Westboro Baptist Church once again makes the headlines. This time however, the good news is that they were foiled in their attempts to disrupt another serviceman’s funeral. Mississippi gives the Westboro the kind of welcome that we would all like to give.

Since we have reported on the Westboro Baptist Church a few times here, it is fitting that we update you on the latest.

Last Saturday, USMC Staff Sgt. Jason Rogers was laid to rest in Brandon, Mississippi. He was killed in action in Afghanistan on April 7th. Many of the town’s residents paid homage along the route of the fallen hero as his body was transported home.

Most notably absent were the Westboro protestors who planned a large demonstration at Sgt. Rogers’ funeral. According to an Ole Miss message board, a tidbit of info………..

“A couple of days before, one of them (Westboro protestors) ran his mouth at a Brandon gas station and got his arse waxed. Police were called and the beaten man could not give much of a description of who beat him. When they canvassed the station and spoke to the large crowd that had gathered around, no one seemed to remember anything about what had happened.

Rankin County handled this thing perfectly. There were many things that were put into place that most will never know about and at great expense to the county.

Most of the morons never made it out of their hotel parking lot. It seems that certain Rankin county pickup trucks were parked directly behind any car that had Kansas plates in the hotel parking lot and the drivers mysteriously disappeared until after the funeral was over. Police were called but their wrecker service was running behind and it was going to be a few hours before they could tow the trucks so the Kansas plated cars could get out.

A few made it to the funeral but were ushered away to be questioned about a crime they might have possibly been involved in. Turns out, after a few hours of questioning, that they were not involved and they were allowed to go on about their business.”

It might be legal for the protestors to be there, but it isn’t right. Thankfully, the citizens of Brandon agreed and arranged for these slight incidents to keep the unwanted pests away. The Westboro mob never made it to the funeral and Sgt. Rogers was laid to rest without incident.

Fred Phelps, who is the leader of Westboro mob, is a disbarred lawyer and Democratic activist. Other members of his family hold law degrees. They use our court system often and have sued and won countless times all with financial gain to themselves, helping to fund their sickening activities. Undoubtedly, Phelps will plan a lawsuit against someone in Mississippi because his grand plans were thwarted. Mississippi folks says let him. There isn’t a jury in the whole state that will see things his way.

While I understand the Supreme Court ruling allowing Phelps and his gang to demonstrate, I sure appreciate the fact that citizens take it upon themselves to do the right thing. If it takes the community to gather around the bereaved to keep these thugs away, then so be it. I hope every town learns from the example set by people of Brandon, Mississippi." i...

The actions and resistance that this town showed in solidarity against hate IS something that I admire.

What concerned me about the entire episode is the fact that, a large group of people decided that their popular opinions and beliefs were greater than the civil liberties of a group they despise and acted in such a manner as to deprive them of what should have been the fair and open practice of peaceable assembly and protest.(I realize that their message is one FAR from the definition of peace but the courts have decided in their favor repeatedly)

Are not these the same tactics that have been deployed against the LGBT community since the founding of this country?

While I would like to applaud this town's actions since I agree with their cause, what will my reaction be when these same tactics are deployed against me and those like me who are continuing to seek the basic freedoms that our heterosexual citizens enjoy daily?

Just something that made me think is all.
What are your opinions?

Sunday, April 24, 2011

Atypical Easterness

Sitting here at my parents house waiting for all the siblings and family friends to show up for dinner. Catching up on the latest Glee episode via Hulu. (don't judge me!) We decided to get together in the evening this year, as we all had things to do in the afternoon. We normally do a huge family brunch, so a change is kind of nice! Woke up early today, hit the coffee shop in the city, grabbed some breakfast and then headed over for church. Decided not to dress up this year and instead opted for some jeans, an oxford, casual khaki jacket and some mocs, sans socks. Why not be comfortable instead of all buttoned up and tucked in?

Church was a mad house. Tons of people there for the services, as usual for this holiday with kids running around high on candy and life. People all dressed up, some not. The predicted thunder storms shifted away and we had a beautiful Spring morning. People mingling and touching, kids crowded on the floor in the aisles coloring, music...good stuff.

And in the middle of it all, somewhere around the third song, I just left. I didn't want to be there anymore. Too many people, too nice outside, too whatever you want to call it, but I had to get out of the building. So, I grabbed my book and took off. Didn't stay for the service, or communion, or anything.

I did the right thing and I don't think I missed anything either. It is the same thing every year. Why not change it up? I got to catch up with my friend Jeremy, talk to the few friends I care about and spent the morning with myself. Took a nap, ate some lunch, read a book, laid in the sun. All in all...a great day. This next weekend is the guys camping trip and retreat, so am definitely looking forward to that. I'll get my fill of people and pondering deeper things then. Plus there will be fire and wilderness. That's more my speed.

People are starting to arrive now. I can hear the greetings and doors opening, pattering of feet and noise of family and friends gathering. Family is good. I am glad to be a part of one.

Happy Easter everyone! I can't wait to open my basket and see what the bunny brought me. The "bunny" being my Mom, of course.


PS: If you needed something religious and uplifting from my blog today, just tell yourself whatever story you prefer. You prolly will enjoy that better than some cliche' worn out thing that most are posting today. :)

Friday, April 22, 2011

Sky Cake: by Patton Oswalt

I love his take on religion! Just a warning...if strong language offends you, you might want to take a pass. Enjoy!

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Tired of being "nice".

Yeah...I said it. I am tired of being nice. Of being politically correct. Of being a sensitive male that is in tune with others emotions and careful to not offend. This idea that I need to be some smiling jack wagon all the time is beginning to irk me. It has not always been so.

I didn't have to be "nice" in school, or while growing up. I was a boy and my words and actions were always fixed under the umbrella thought of "boys will be boys". People realized that I probably didn't "know better" and was just speaking my mind in the blunt way that guys often do. I grew up saying what I thought and doing what I meant.

Then came adulthood, but it was not a "normal" one as far as socialization goes. I kept to my circle of friends and family while studying in college and then entered a world of men in the Navy. We didn't have many civilizing influences and were prone to blunt communication and calling it like we saw it. If someone sucked or was a dick, we could tell him as much, point out the flaws and continue on as friends. This helped check me many times and taught me to be less selfish and to consider others view points, knowing that I would be held accountable for my words and actions by others who had more life experience and differing perceptions other than my own. It popped by bubble and made me grow.

Coming back to the civilian world has had it's ups and downs, to say the least. I am not sure if I have really acclimated myself to the false fronts and facades that "nice" people seem to adopt. They couch their opinions and ideas in carefully chosen words that are meant to be palatable to all and in the doing so, lose all their inherent message and unique power. People seem more intent on getting along with others than they are expressing what they truly feel and mean. It is all kind of a melange of watered down half truths and people tip-toeing among others in order to fit in and be well received.

No one wants to be the bad guy and speak the truth.(or at least what they see as truth) When did an honest opinion become such a bad thing? When did someone getting offended suddenly become a capital offense? Where did all these nutless, gutless men come from? When did it become a horrible idea to call someone out on their bullshit, real or perceived?

I am far from perfect. I have went along with the flow. I have let my ideas and thoughts to become massaged by popular opinion and concepts and in doing say have stopped asking the questions that trouble me. I have neglected to pose the puzzles that have me in fits at times and failed to open up some honest dialogue about so many things that I currently have no answers for.

Much of the problem lies with myself. I have conceded victory or at least silence to those who think that there are no absolutes. I have rolled over and shut up when it seemed to require more energy to buck the status quo. I have put a smile on my face, nodded and bit my tongue when those who jabber nonsense at others seem to hold the stage. I am tired of just getting by and getting along.

I am not looking for controversy to add some spice to my life. I think we all wrestle with real issues as guys. What is success? What makes up happy? What is love all about? Why do we believe what we believe? How to manage it all at one time? What do we want? Who are we really? Endless questions that just get stuffed under a mask of, "Sure, things are going good, I'm fine".

Things are not fine. I do not have answers. I am tired of keeping my mouth shut. I'd like to find some answers. I would like others to speak their mind, ESPECIALLY if they disagree with me. I have been surrounded by "Yes Men" for too long. I am tired of being nice. I think a fluffed and buffed pretty boy physically, mentally and spiritually who makes no waves is nothing except a ship that is scared of the storms.

The boat was made to leave the dock. Set sail. It is in the storms that we find what we are made of.

Jesus wasn't a nice guy.

He was love.

There is a difference.

Friday, April 15, 2011

Death of a friend

No, I am not here to be a downer and talk about the actual physical death of a friend of mine, but rather the unexpected death of our friendship. There was no drama or falling out of any kind that occurred, we simply changed as people to such an extent, that after time had passed (about 6 years) I realized, for the first time yesterday, that we have nothing in common anymore.

We get together now and again and no longer have anything to say. It is not a comfortable silence, but rather an odd space where I tend to wonder what I am doing hanging out with this guy anymore? Who we used to be and who we are now is so different. At least, I know I have changed.

Has this ever happened to any of you? Where close friends fade and somewhere in the space and time of our lives we never really learn to let go and keep following our patterns till it finally becomes obvious to at least one of us that this is no longer working and you really have no desire to invest any more energy in the relationship?

What do I do now? Is this apparent to him or is he still stuck at that place where he feels this is a productive and healthy friendship? Do I say something? Do I just fade away and become less a presence?

This has happened before to me, so it is not a new situation. I think it happens to us all more than we would like to admit. People change, interests find new directions and shapes, people become less of who they were and more of who they are. As this occurs what drew us together as people in the first place can be lost at times. I am sure this has happened in different dating relationships I have had, whether serious and long term, or short term fun flings. I can't say I have ever had a bad breakup. I am friends and on good speaking terms with all my exboyfriends and past partners. Sometime we know when things are ending, other times it just happens. Time moves us all.

But what is the etiquette with a friend? Especially with a friend of so many years? We have helped each other, in many ways, write the story or at least different chapters of our lives. We have been around, near and with each other ever since I moved back to the Midwest. I think it is time to move on.

I know, kind of random I guess, but it came to me yesterday afternoon while we were hanging out like we do often, that I no longer know this guy.

And I am okay with that.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Spring Cleaning Jag

Woke up this morning with the sun streaming in and hit the cleaning and dancing circuit, music blaring and possessions flying! The last few weeks of bizarre Missouri weather had left quite a collection of hoodies, sweatshirts, shorts and assorted shoes in neat little stacks around my bedroom floor and I managed to trip over every single one of them on my way to the pisser! The coffee pot came on as set and was time! :)

Last nights dreams still fogged my brain a bit as I set to putting things right with my place in this world. Rugs taken outside and shaken within an inch of their lives, in my boxers, mind you! Neighbors prolly think I am nuts anyway, so what is the harm? Hardwood floors dusted, belts hung up, shoes back in boxes, winter sweaters folded and stowed in the armoir, coats put away in closets and fresh linens on my bed. Furniture dusted, new towels out in each bathroom and all the assorted clutter of a man's world put away. How did I end up with so much crap on my desk? Headphones to be fixed, pocket knives, sunglasses, assorted change, folded receipts, random lighters from a party, cologne samples, handkerchiefs, cuff links, money clip and rocks (yeah, I pick up cool rocks all the time)...all the random junk that stuffs my pockets by days end had kind of turned into a weird mosaic of this past month of whirlwind life.

Now stowed away. I still need to buzz my hair, put my nails in order, shower and slam some coffee but this Spring day is shaping up fast! Will be driving the Camaro again today, as the Miata is not due to be out of the shop until afternoon sometime when Erek calls me. I had to get all the preventive maintenance out of the way for this Spring and Summer's road trips and a simple investigation into fixing a window switch turned into fifteen hundred dollars of correcting all the little pissy things that have been bugging me about that car. New brakes and calipers all around, upper and lower shift boots, window switches and regulators, lube job, oil and filter changes, tune up, plugs name it. I am so glad he pitched in to help. I get frustrated at my big hands and the little details that I seem to have no patience for at times. Now I just need to get the new leather on the seats and the back bumper scratches from that armadillo touched up (lake, groceries, funny story) and I am ready to hit the road. Well...hit the road in a few weeks. Camping trip coming up!

Speaking of last nights dreams, strange ones that? I went to bed all worked and pissed off about gay civil rights and my frustration at the complacency and apathy that has been shown lately by the circles of people I inhabit. I watched "the Great Debaters" last night. Great flick btw, with an amazingly beautiful guy but also a powerful message. (Nate Parker... so reminds me of the one guy I was engaged to, long story for another day) Back on track. Yeah, I was pondering and thinking on blogging about my frustration at being treated as a second class citizen in society and churches and that must have prompted some weird ass dreams.

In the dream, I was on my Senior High School trip but David, from the Czech Republic was there. (another long story) We were in love and dating but were constrained of course by all the rules and norms of my school and I spent the whole time frustrated and aggravated by how we had to curtail our relationship due to what others believed. Eh...too long to explain right now. The coffee is starting to work.

Suffice it to say, my house is in order, the cars are getting back into shape for another driving season and I am motivated to get back involved with the political activism and social justice work I was involved in when I first moved to Kansas City. Something needs to be done in an informed and honest way about how many, having shrugged off a portion of the repression bestowed on them by their families and faith groups, have decided that the place we now inhabit is enough and are content with simple getting by with the scraps of life that others have deemed us worthy of. (and by us, I mean the LGBT community at large)

I know I have some thinking to do in order to inform and order my thoughts on the subject and I will need to back track in my life about the series of events that pushed me into politics and how I myself became a victim to violence and apathy that eventually quieted my voice and actions on this matter.

Confused yet? I know what I am talking about at least. I am going to get my day started and hope to revisit here soon to express my views and thoughts on this matter. I already got the ball rolling last night with emails, texts and calls to those friends and organizations of mine in the community who never lost their vision of what true freedom for all means, come what may. I have a feeling this Summer is going to get mighty interesting... and fast!

Hoping you are having a kick ass day! Oh...and watch "the Great Debaters" if you want. It is inspiring to watch a people repressed express themselves and beg the question of what can and should be done. Ciao!


Monday, April 11, 2011

Flood of Memories

Ran across this soundtrack this morning while putting my day together. Needless to took me back to a place and person who is still loved and sorely missed. I still catch a bright glimpse of the boys we were whenever I drive past open water or catch the hint of the scent you still wear. I miss you and remember. Much love to you Christopher.

I had a day

Yesterday was odd.

I woke up at seven am and everything seemed par for the course. Typically on Sunday morning I will get up, brew some coffee, putter around the house getting ready for church and generally am in high spirits due to having the whole day off from work. I got up, did the coffee thing, cooked some breakfast...and never got out of the house until around 5 pm?

The day was beautiful. Seventy degrees and sunshine. The car was clean, the top was down, nothing was holding me back from enjoying this day but I could not seem to get my ass in gear? One little project led to another and it was past nine am. I figured, eh, I will get around and hit the coffee shop in a bit. Then it was past eleven am and I still was not down in the city for church. That endless delay and nervous energy hung around. I was not depressed but certainly felt anxious in a strange way that I could not seem to identify.

Now, Sundays can be a rough day for me. They never start out that way, but always tend to end up the same. The mornings are great. I usually enjoy church and hang with some friends for lunch but they are also a huge gaping whole in my schedule that tends to get randomly packed with things that are not so good. Not horrible, mind you, but I tend to wander off, follow my nose and end up in some kind of activity that is less than my best.

I think that is what I was worried about. That this Sunday would be just like all the others and that a day that always starts so well would end up with me partying with old friends, making stupid decisions and basically trashing the start of my week. I had no reason to believe that it would be any different. That has kind of been my pattern since this last summer. I was ready for a change.

The only way I really knew to make this a different day was to completely change all of my patterns. I didn't go into the coffee shop and church in the morning. I didn't go for lunch with my friends. I kept my phone turned off and avoided talking to people. I just spent the day with myself here at home.

Finally after waking up from a nap, I went to church in the evening and then stopped by the coffee shop to read a book and watch the sun go down over the city. As I walked up, I heard a direct 'hello' and turned to see a  friend from the past sitting out front. It would take way too long to explain who this guy was, but to suffice it to say, he is a friend from my old crazy wilding days. I think the last time we hung out we had a insane night at the clubs that turned into a three way at the lake, in the water, under the full moon, next to my boat. Pretty much a blast from a place and time I had not thought about for several years.

He was hanging out as if years had never passed, looking fine as always with some cute guy with him who certainly captured my attention with his direct blue eyed stare, but then we always kind of had the same taste in guys. I won't get into some long drawn out description of him or his friend but I simply got my coffee, came out and sat down with them and had some conversation. I picked up the threads of communication easy enough and just kind of wandered memory lane with them, riffing on words, telling stories and jokes and generally enjoying myself. Was invited to a party and declined. Was asked if I wanted to get high and declined. Was invited to go club hopping and dancing and also declined. When did I become so responsible?

After a while, the differences in us now became rather evident. I am not saying I am any better or worse than my old friend and I cannot say I was not interested in getting his friend in the sack either. Guy was smoking hot. But the time that had past and the decisions that had been made to bring me to who I am now had changed me in certain ways that left me no longer on the same page.

Maybe that was what the delay was all about. The stalling of the hours to let me run into a former glimpse of the guy I used to be. To illustrate to me, that even in tough times and rough days, catching a glimpse of hope for the future is available by simply searching my past and contrasting the two.

It was good to see him. I enjoyed talking and meeting his new friend. I was saddened that nothing had changed for him at all. At this age, he was still seeking the next party, the next high, the next romp in the sack the next whatever it was I was running from and to back then as well.

Life moves us all. For a long and strange day, I went to bed strangely content with this life I have now. It is not what it could be...but it certainly is not what it was.

I had a day.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

In Between

Ever feel trapped by life and circumstances? I know it sounds like some crappy line from an infomercial on the radio, but it's a legitimate question. I feel like I am in limbo right now. Caught in the undertween and overneath of belief, life, emotions and hormones. Let me see if I can spell it out for myself here. It may be a review for some, but I think I have been at this four way intersection for at least the past five years.

I know I believe in God. I am not here to debate the merits of his existence or get into some post modern or existential debate about faith and religion. Suffice it to say. I do believe in him and have a personal relationship with him as his kid that is expressed best by nervously adopting the label of 'Christian'. Now sure, that is a really clunky word handle for something that can mean so many various things to many people, but I am going to leave it at that for the moment. Call it an emotional crutch or some kind of weakness on my part, I don't care. The fact of the matter is, that belief is there. I cannot unbelieve it, as convenient as that may be at times, especially now. So on one side we have God. Let's keep it simple.

On the other side, I have my sexual orientation. I am gay. A homosexual man. A guy who is attracted to other males in all the ways possible. Emotional, physical, mental and spiritual. For me, a relationship with another guy completes me. This is also a point I am not here to debate or argue. It is innate in myself as is my hair color, my height or the length of my arms and legs. It is not the result of some choice of mine, some catastrophic emotional or physical abuse or all of the other stereotypical excuses that are lobbed at guys like me by people who don't even understand themselves. I have a great relationship with my Dad and always have. My mother was not over bearing. I do not want to be a girl or consider myself feminine. There is no history of sexual, emotional or physical abuse in my past. I am simply gay. I got over it, why can't everyone else?

The dichotomy of my sexual orientation and practice has always been set at odds with each other by almost every person who practices some type of 'christian' faith here in the Americas. (this is one reason why I hated religious people) The conflict did not arise in myself, it came from others who are at war with themselves and their perceived enemies and then they attempted to hand this 'struggle' to me as some way of grading my spiritual maturity and growth and allowing them to feel better about themselves. I don't buy it. Go sell that somewhere else. If it works for you, great! I just don't subscribe to that theory and also do not need another persons approval for my faith to exist.

Now...cross way with those two parts of myself, faith and orientation, I DO have a struggle with in myself that I think all humans face, men, much more openly or obviously. (such is the curse and blessing of external genitalia) I am talking about sex versus love.

They are not the same, as confusing as that is at times, but they are also not mutually exclusive. I know I have had sex without love and I have also experienced love without sex. But I desire them both and am pretty sure I need them both. At least, all the evidence I have seen seems to point to this conclusion thus far in life. Man is built for relationship. Being alone is great at times but my life is richer when shared with another. On the other hand, my body was built for sex. I have a penis, crazy hormones and a body that can be shared with another person. (I realize it was intended for other things as well, but I am trying to stay on a mental track here.)

So, at this cross roads of faith and orientation, with sex and love on either am I supposed to choose to live? I do believe, partially, to be honest, that the choices I make do effect my relationship with God and with others. The life that I live certainly has an impact beyond myself. No man is an island and all that verbiage. Within the confines of faith, morality and society, I do see different norms and mores that most humans adhere to, or at least strive to stick with and hold up to be an ideal. They value monogamy in committed relationships. In fact, they developed this whole social and legal ceremony called marriage to bind two differently gendered people together financially, physically, emotionally, spiritually and in whatever other way  they decided within their vows. They hold this pairing of two people to be ideal, at least in the culture that is most prevalent here in the United States. Let's not get into cultural anthropology and how it tends to fly in the face of the English Protestant way of thinking and living. That is a whole other story...

So here we have two people who love each other, or at least want to love each other, who enter into this legally binding contract. They want to remain faithful sexually and emotionally to each other, have kids, the whole story book thing. I think that is great... but where do I fit into this?

I cannot get married. (YET) Most main stream churches, steeped in tradition and hate/fear as they are, still are offended by the idea of two guys who love each other. They can't see past the gay butt sex and penis' and realize that their view of the world is just that...their view. They tend to think they hold the pass key to heaven, so they spend a lot of time telling me how I should change, or not be gay, or how God hates me, or love the sin hate the sinner.(seriously the next person who utters that phrase will be physically reminded of how frail they are)  All kinds of crap! Sometimes, they tell me to be celibate and single as some kind of show of commitment to God. Kind of strange they never ask the str8 guys to do this...oh yeah! (Sarcasm Alert) They can get married. Duh! They are completely freaked out by how and who I love and I get that. I really do. I understand how their thinking works and exactly how their entire belief and social structure is dependent on never breaking up this little family ideal. Without that cornerstone, they seem to think their entire belief system will crumble.

But it doesn't.

I guess what I am saying is this:

1.God loves me.

2. I am gay.

3. I like sex. 

4. I need love.

So now the great adventure is putting those four pieces together into a coherent life. I knew all about the first three and was pretty successful BC. (Before Christ) Now that God is thrown into the mix, it certainly has become a bit more confusing at times. I would have been better off never attending a church or listening to all the rants and screaming of the people who profess to believe in him. That is what I have been doing lately. Ignoring them. I don't have a relationship with them. They are not my God. I simply ask them kindly to shut the fuck up....but with a smile of course. :)

I want to find my standards now. Something I believe in strongly enough to live. I won't be shamed into silence or bound by the guilt of an adopted moral code. I think God does expect more of me than an unbeliever. I do not think that being gay gives me some kind of license to sin, however I believe that is defined. I think the rules that apply to my str8 friends also apply to my penis and the choices I make with my body. I am just coming to realize that many of those rules are man made and don't accurately reflect what being human is and what the Bible ever said.

More than likely, I will be at this intersection for a while longer in life. I am pondering directions. I am finding what success looks like for me in this situation. Best case scenario? I will fall in love again and eventually marry the man that I will spend the rest of my life with. (prolly in Canada, since America is so backwards) Along the way I will be dating. I have made mistakes before. I know I will make them again. But I have a purpose and direction now, or at least know what my options are. God isn't freaked out that I am gay. He loves me and made me just the way I am.

I'm good with that.

Now I just have to invest in some really good earplugs!


PS: And I realize that life is about MUCH more than faith, love and sex. Those just seem to be the pressing issues with me at the moment. I still keep up with my education, work, reading, kite flying and other stuff...that is when I am not thinking about sex. :P

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Hungry Eyes

A night time top down drive. Cool breezes. A found and lost CD from this summer playing tunes from a time forgotten and never returned. Watching the guys go by. Ordering a beer and sipping it slowly. Remembering what it is like to be outside, under canvas, with the familiar smells and sounds wafting by. This must be Spring.

Shorts on my legs, kicks on my feet and a t-shirt well worn with memories and soft cotton embrace. To be comfortable in ones own skin and an easy smile on my face. I am shrugging off the cares and worries of Winter's embrace and am ready so for the times of warmth and happy.

The phone rings, words exchanged in easy banter and sand volleyball exchange of words. Drove my docks for fishing, woods for roaming, water for swimming and shared it all with friends. I am finding my place and space in a void left by the words I am leaving unsaid. For once in my life, I am the seldom spoken one. I think first and then realize what I am about to voice feels better in the space of my head and less so in the quiet that time and smiles efface.

Can I be a quiet soul? Will this new found respect for the path less spoken by bring me to a new destination? I know, as of late, my words have been few and far between. Now I watch and wait. Look and listen. Ponder more and embrace the silence that I can create by not saying what pops to mind and tongue.

The thing that will not quiet or hush is the searching and longing for "him". Hungry eyes, needful heart. Is it him? For tonight, for tomorrow, for more that just a few shared moments? I think, even with this multitude of friends and family always around that I am becoming lonely. Maybe I have been for a while? What do I need? Who do I want? What is this vacuum of needful things that beckons me? Is this new found friend the one? A one?

What completes me? Who is the end of the equation that brings contentment to my face?

So I watch...and wait.

Saturday, April 2, 2011

Mike does Misery

I love this guys stuff...and yeah, I prolly have a man crush on him too. He IS pretty dang cute. The breakdown at 2:02 is great! Enjoy...

Odd Question?

Like the post title says, I have an odd question for this entry. Let's suppose that a man, with education and even more plans for his next future has an odd quandary. Say this man has his needs met. Food, shelter, bills and spending money accounted for. There are no bids for his time and effort, save the next interest and desire of his heart.

For the long term, at least the foreseeable future, things are taken care of due to his careful saving, frugal spending and odd look towards what has always been ahead since he was eight years old. He needs for nothing, save the next pair of shoes, the odd sports car whatever trips he may want to take or large tip for the breakfast waiter. This guy is living "a life", not THE life, but a good life.

What does the fuck does he do for his next trick?

This life, providing for oneself, planning ahead, saving for the rainy day, taking heed for tomorrow...all of this is done and continues to be a habit, at least for the next few decades. What now?

Sure, I am enrolled in school for the fall. The tuition and living expenses are accounted for. I am going back to college to become a chef, one of my passions. I have learned that science and business are not what I love to do.  It will be an adventure, without the stress and worry about how to plan ahead or take care of this month's phone bill, mortgage payment, book fees, grocery bill, rent...whatever it is that most college students worry about.

And now what? I have a retirement plan and know what I would like to do when I discontinue working. It includes property for myself, a large boat and the time and space to travel the world. I want to see all the places I read about as a child. I will work and use the skills I have to provide for myself and ensure that my needs are met. I need to see and wander continents. To travel far beyond where I could imagine and meet the people and cultures that I have known exist.

So what?

I am still me. I have no person to share this with. I am a man adrift on a sea of possibility. I could spend each day and each dollar as if there was no tomorrow, and it means nothing. Should I live for myself? My faith seems to beg a difference in purpose. Isn't life supposed to have some more meaning or direction?

These next decades could be spent on pursuing more than I dreamed, but what am I left with? Journals and chips full of words and pictures? New friends and talents acquired on my journey?  Objects and memories collected? Faces and places that keep going on until my end?

I have to be meant for more than this. More than the next degree and skill set. Much more than so many dollars, euros, francs and pounds sterling. It all burns in the end. Nothing says that more than buying ones burial plot, headstone and writing a will at my age. I do care who gets it all, just in case I have to be missing soon, though I certainly do not wish that!

To find love. To relax into contentment. To share this beautiful life with another guy. To be more than the sum of my parts. There has to be more than this. If we are keeping "score" in life...I win or at least have a good lead on my peers. And I do not care.

All is vanity.

There must be more than this.