Sunday, November 29, 2009
Recovering I guess? Thoughts are kind of bunching up in my head, but I need to make an attempt to get them out. This last week was an exercise in futility. All the basics were taken care of, but my choices leave much to be desired. My body is tired and my mind a bit sluggish, that might be from the long hours spent awake and tuned into the present.
Went to the early service today, since I had to work, and saw few people I really knew. Got a speeding ticket this morning that I have to forward to my lawyer and that kind of set the tone for the day. Work was alot of fun though. I truly enjoy the guys that I work with, their company and conversation. Such a diverse group, and certainly easy on the eyes, but that's just comes with the territory I guess. We are there to sell a product, an image and a lifestyle. JC had to go home sick and I hope he is feeling better. Poor guy.
Not sure what this week brings, but I am not ready for December. Grrrr...so much to do! It is strange having some accountability in my life now, after so much time spent kind of pulling it alone. I appreciate the concern, but find facts and hard data elusive when I share. Are people more comfortable with a general idea, or do they really care?
Life is certainly changing, and I feel excited but also a bit nervous at all the differences I see and feel. I need to start being more intentional and deliberate with my free time. I leave to much to chance and following my nose often leads me to trouble. I wish I had something more profound to offer tonight, but I am feeling kind of grey.
Got to talk to a Marine tonight who came in and ended up getting some coffee with him after work. Interesting guy and real nice, pretty lonely too. I have been there in my life. I remember trying to connect with people so many times when I was in the Navy and never feeling like I had a place, when I was on leave or off base. Everyone wants a piece of you, but can never truly know you. I will be praying for him when he deploys next, and know that I have made a friend. Take care of yourself Micah, and keep seeking truth. A brother in arms. I miss that camaraderie of my shipmates.
Watched a bit of the games tonight and am thinking about turning in early. I really need to talk to someone, but don't know how to open up more. I feel at times so closed off, and that people only know parts of me, or that they like the idea of me, but not the details. I am a person too! I feel stuff, things are going on, I hurt, but they never seem to see past the wall and the way that I present myself? Is that my fault? Have I built a house of smoke and mirrors to protect myself? I guess if it looks good, then no one asks. I need to be more transparent, but fail miserable at that.
I am discovering things about my past. Incidents that I buried in my head and heart. Things I never thought on. What do all these memories mean, and why are they coming up now? Is God trying to tell me something, teach me something? How do I feel so happy all the time, given some of the weight I carry. Am I an idiot? Or just happy and dumb? I can't tell, I am too close to it all I guess.
Many thoughts on Guy...I hate falling, but I love life.
Picked myself up today, and kept walking, just like I do and always will.
I'm gonna be okay, and yes, I will miss him. Is it so strange that two people can connect so quickly?
Take care of yourself my friend, and keep dancing. You are beautiful in movement and repose.
Farewell and get you back to France. Then I will rest easier with an ocean between us.
Friday, November 27, 2009
The morning after...is going very well! Woke up to a clean house and the smell of fresh laundry. Yesterday was a smashing success and family and friends had a great time. Everyone loved the food, spent a huge amount of time talking and sharing life and love with those around us.
Stephen somehow just fit smoothly into my family, as if he had been around for years...interesting. In fact, as the day flew by, I rarely got to spend time with him myself? My brothers wife and him hit it off (both work in IT) and then in the evening my little sister and him were cozied up on the couch looking at all her pictures from her international travels around the world. I did notice that my dad managed to get him aside for awhile and they seemed in a pretty deep discussion, but wow...everything went awesome! I am glad to see two separate parts of my life come together seamlessly.
While hosting and working, I did not manage to participate in everything around me as I would have liked, but that is the price of service. Sometimes a little extra work goes so far in making those around us comfortable and at home. I love my family. They are a humbling group of people to be around, and the love and grace they radiate to me and others is awesome in its scope. I am proud to be related to them.
Today is going to be nuts...I am sure I will write about it later, but needless to say I am braced for the worst and hoping for the best. Stephen is already up and out for work, Mark is taking it easy for the day, everyone else gets to sleep in and I am off the the Plaza. (shopping district in Kansas City, MO) Here goes nothing!
*note* I am sure to run into my past today...so God, please keep me safe and un-entangled. Let my words be yours, my eyes be pure and my actions righteous. Love...Daemon
Thursday, November 26, 2009
Just woke up and simply laid there in the sun this morning. Long lazy stretches that pop my toes and ankles and languidly thinking about my life and day as my mind comes back to the surface. Good morning World!
Yawns keep stretching my face, but everything about my body and mind feels good today. It is cool clean and crisp outside and man, I love these flannel pants and my cozy fleece lined hoodie! So much to do, but just enough time to think and thank.
I am not sure what today will bring. There will be so many people, from such different areas of my life gathering together to celebrate. How will they get along? What will they think or intuit about each other. How will our lives and loves become different after time spent?
Family and friends are gathering and today promises love and happiness. I hope Stephen got David to the airport this morning on time, but there was no way I was getting up at 4 am to drive out there with them. Mark is still sleeping and the morning gives me a bit of space to check back up on my life and put down a few words.
I am thankful that I am me.
That may sound odd, narcissistic or proud, but I mean it. I wouldn't be anyone else. This body, this mind and everything that goes along with it. I love me! Each challenge and fight in my life has led me to this day, and I am truly blessed no what the matter. I never thought this is who I would be, never thought that God could work so much but am thankful and grateful that He rescued me.
I think back on a Thanksgiving four years ago. Woke up at the beach house with Kyle in my arms, his hair tickling my nose and spent the day with his family at the beach in a very non-traditional holiday. While I still love and miss him, and still long for that city on the sea and know life will take me back there someday, I am thankful to be back home. My home. If home is where the heart is...then I am home. That day, a phone call from the water's edge is all my family got from me. So much distance and space had been created by my life, but today welcomes me back!
I may be single, but that is okay today. I may not be living the life I once had, but I am thankful for this one that God gave me back. The circumstances may have changed...but it is for the better!
To Kyle and all the friends that I don't see around me right now...Happy Thanksgiving. May this day bring you all something that graces your life with unexpected smiles and gratitude in your hearts. Love one another, appreciate the simple. Above all, I pray that you search for truth.
Seek and ye shall find...
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Everything is just about ready for tomorrow. Turkey is smoked and the ham is ready to go. Fresh bread and the pies are done. Morning will find me putting the potatoes, rice and vegetables together and making the trek to the family (with Stephen and maybe Mark?) to celebrate our National Holiday of Thanksgiving.
But what the heck is thankfulness?!
"warm friendly feelings of gratitude" or "expressive of gratitude"
1 : conscious of benefit received
2 : expressive of thanks
3 : well pleased : glad
— thank·ful·ness noun
But...that is still not what Thanksgiving is about to me. I am not going to spend time listing the many people, places, things and ideas I am thankful for, because this is just another rabbit trail in my head, but I need to make sure the people I love, who will be with me tomorrow, know, hear and see that I am conscious and expressive of my gratitude for them and their involvement in my life.
Moving along...it was a good day. Simple really and not too rocky. Saw some awesome art (wind sculptures) and enjoyed coffee and exploring in some free time. Had something odd happen at work. I was helping some clients (mother and daughter) and they started talking about me to each other. Mind you, I was standing right there...in front of them...and they carried on a conversation about how I looked and what they liked as if I wasn't even in the room! I was shocked enough at first, that I told myself they couldn't possibly be doing this, or talking about me, but...they were? I was flattered and embarrassed all at the same time, but it was odd to hear what I look like to females, or at least how they perceive me?
I feel like something is starting up, kind of a large movement of the unknown in my life. Am I ready for it? Whatever "it" may be? Kind of nervous about tomorrow. Stephen has met my parents before, but this will be the first time we all have spent a day together, and my siblings, and extended friends. Scared, happy and excited? Not real sure...but it will be great...I hope!
Sorry for the random. That is all that is in my head right now. Alot on my heart that I need to talk about, but everyone is busy...just like me. I will ponder I guess and try to work stuff out. Grrrr...
Monday, November 23, 2009
Tonight, after some time spent with old friends, my heart is heavy and broken for the lost and dying that I personally know. These dear beautiful people, so broken and living daily in a searching despair for something real.
For peace, for love, for a hope that something greater and more powerful will come. Always seeking and never finding. True happiness and peace like a whil'o'whisp, leading them on their way. Just out of reach, their dreams in midair seem to fade away, moving day to day, further away.
I was them once. Trying to find happiness and completeness in another guy, another relationship, a family created out of those shunned and mis-understood by so many. A collection of misfits who at times were our own worst enemies. Oh, we dress it up nice, never were we at a loss for beauty and form...but somewhere deep inside, we were all hurt little boys, playing at being men and striving to find that acceptance that we so desperately craved. Validation and assurance that it was going to be okay, that someone loved us, that we mattered to someone, to anyone.
How do I reach out to them? How to share the amazing truth, the gospel that was so freely shared and given me? That there is hope and peace and love...all freely extended by a Father who loves them more than anyone ever has and ever will. I still remember Melissa reaching out to me, a man who seemed to have it all, and asking me if I was truly happy. How she shared the truth that she had, and how God softened my heart and brought me to a saving knowledge of Jesus Christ. I want to just be that beggar, telling another beggar where to find some bread.
I cried so hard tonight after listening to Brett share what has been going on in his life. He cares so much for others and is such a graceful man, so full of light and love...but still so lost, believing in nothing, with no hope. He carries a death sentence in his body, and each year he slips away from us a little more. His once proud body is wasting away and he is becoming a hollow eyed shadow of the guy he once was. I love him and want to see him know God. To finally grasp that relationship that his soul cries for each night, so quietly in pain.
Caleb asked God for a mountain. "I want that mountain." Tonight I am asking for my friends souls. "God, I want them to know you. I want to share your truth and gospel with them. I love them all dearly and claim them for you. If I can be a part, a witness, a testimony of some type to them of your amazing love and grace, please let me. Get me out of the way, move me aside, give me words to say, things to do and an open door to share. I can talk to them and move in circles that others from church will never be able to enter. I will go where you want me to go, I will say what you want me to say, I will do what you want me to do. Here am I Lord...send me."
Yesterday was a mix of good and odd but I still woke up today with a smile on my face and a song in my head...so I guess it worked out well.
Morning time was coffee at the shop with my locals and friends before heading over to church for a bittersweet service. It was the Send Off for Tim and Mimi Keel (and kids) as they make their way shortly to New Zealand. Tim started the church 11 years ago and was a big part of my life, so like Shayne and Austin, I feel like I am losing a spiritual parent. He is the first leader at a church, that after hearing my testimony said, Welcome...we love you...get involved, let's see what God can do! I am so going to miss that man and his family, but also know that they need to be somewhere else. His faith to take his family to the other side of the world in obedience, just amazes me! Thanks for the example and love you are to me. Thanks for pointing the way to the cross. Thank you for seeing me as Jesus does. A sinner saved by grace. Amazing love...how can it be?
So yeah, that was the morning. Then had to miss lunch with Stephen (grrrr...!) since I had promised Geoff that I would help with the food at an anniversary party. Some dear friends of ours were celebrating 14 years together and having a Chiefs party...all at the same time! Guess you can tell what is important to those guys? It made me sad to know that these two men, who have spent over a decade of their lives together are still considered 2nd class citizens and their love means nothing in the eyes of the law or this land.
It was a banging party with alot of familiar faces from the the club, the political scene, community leaders, local personalities and close friends of the family...and one smoking hot blonde guy who spent entirely too much time with me. God, he was beautiful, and caring, and sincere...and just way too right/wrong for me! He was adorable, but still a "kid" in my book. Had on a cool pair of Radio Flyers (which I took a picture of as an excuse to get a picture of him) and looked good enough to eat! I don't know what to think about all that? It was just such a visceral reaction on my part. Anyway, food delivered, party had, Chiefs won...and I beat a hasty retreat to avoid entangling myself further. Now how to stay away from him, considering he works at Hall's right next door? Grrrr...
Well, the after party was at Michael Burn's club and we stayed for a drink or two and then Geoff had to get home for some rest and to watch his game...lol This is the time I should have gone home, but I didn't. I went back to the club "to watch the game". Meh...didn't see much game, but ended up hanging out with too many guys who were interested but I was enjoying the attention. Man! Corey can give a seriously good back rub. That felt awesome! Watched some of the show, tipped a few people, made the rounds meeting and greeting and then slipped out, away from the guy who was trying to pick me up. He was an amazing person, but I don't want to play with fire. I was glad to wake up by myself...in an odd, kind of relieved but still horny way.
Home and sleep and now this morning. So that was my Sunday. Love...it's all around us. Choose wisely.
Saturday, November 21, 2009
So now that I realize that my "beliefs" are quite shaky...meaning not shored up in my head and heart as they should be...how will this effect the decisions I am making now? In short, while I know that God is a integral part of my life and is with me each step of this journey, how do I live a full life?
Friends I have, confidants I have, family is always there. I am plugged into a great community of believers and am involved in different ministries that I feel led to be a part of...but something is missing.
A part of me is lonely, and I have been meeting some guys that are more than willing to be a part of my life. But how does a gay Christian guy go about dating? Do I set boundaries in a relationship that the other person may not agree to, or think that someday may change with time? Something inside of me says that might be playing with fire emotionally and physically, but I want to be "with" and I want to share more of me. Would I be able to date and somehow leave out the physical relationship which I naturally have had in the past? Or is even considering this option something I should run from?
I guess I am conflicted and unsure of the truth for my life. I have realized this over the year that has passed and I honestly don't know which way to turn. Some close friends that I have in life would tell me to live my life happily partnered while others would urge caution, and even a few would say hell no!
But they are not me.
I am me.
I live with the decisions I make and need to find peace in some sort of way. Discerning between my needs and wants is not easy. I want sex...but don't need it. I crave intimacy and bonding, but not sure where that falls on the spectrum. Is it possible to live a God fearing and respecting life with a boyfriend that I don't sleep with? What kind of relationship would that be? I have never held back a part of myself that is natural, open, kind and loving...but somehow I have to resolve this with the teachings I read and learn in the Bible. I cannot afford to pick and choose what I want, discarding the things which are not convenient. I can't really buy into some of the liberal theology that I see out there and this is a personal conviction.
I can't unbelieve what is in my heart, mind, soul and body as truth. But it would help! Is it OK to go on dates? If not, how do I say no, when everything in me is saying yes?! I am sure the conflicted signals I send do not help situations. Lately I seem to be radiating some kind of sexual energy and have noticed the response in guys and girls I have been around. What is this about?
My heart and skin are hungry. I miss being held. Another's touch brings much comfort. Is something wrong with me? Am I slipping away from God to another man? I really want the truth here, not some placebo or feel good answer. I need to know, yes or no, can I be in God's will and also in love with another guy, or is this just another idol in my life?
Does He want me to be single? If so...that seems rather harsh and cruel to have made me this way. I am rambling...I know.
Boyfriend...I can has?
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Last night was well spent at the Keel's party. I will miss them greatly, but am happy to see them going where they are needed to be. New Zealand is an amazing place! It seems strange that the two pastors who mentored me into my faith have now been moved on across the world. Time and space doesn't hold us, merely lets us pass by.
The sun is out today! Yay! Random I know.
Transition is everywhere it seems. My life, church, friends, family. Continual change reminds us we are alive and that time stops for no man.
Hanging in there, that's what I am doing. Each new challenge and circumstance is offering me choices, and I am becoming more intentional about how I handle them, instead of being so reactionary. Using simple, good choices like Legos...to build a balanced and satisfying life.
I was asked a question by Stephen last night, in a light hearted conversation on the dance floor that suddenly became deep and serious. "Do you know the way out of the Darkness?" It was about how nothing is illuminated, solved, examined or put to rest in the dark...but how it must be brought into the light. The other side of the darkness is reached by stepping into the light. Talking of the black boxes in my life that I store all things in internally. Am I ready to examine all the things that have lived in the dark? Walk through the past and let God shine light into each of those rooms, places, choices, events and traumas? I guess I am open to the possibility of confronting my past. But how to move, unsure. How does such simple conversation between guys, suddenly become so real and moving? I am glad we shared. Connection is good, something more than just smiles and happy. Thankful for him I am. You are loved!
Listening to awesome music and starting my day seems amazing...again. Someday I will learn how to order my thoughts and actually write something of note here...lol
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Isaiah 43:18-19 and 25 (KJV)
Remember ye not the former things, neither consider the things of old.
Behold, I will do a new thing; now it shall spring forth; shall ye not know it? I will even make a way in the wilderness, and rivers in the desert.
I, even I, am he that blotteth out thy transgressions for mine own sake, and will not remember thy sins.
At the very beginning of this day, when sleep did not come, these are the words that I found while reading. My days are getting longer with schedule and work, but good things are here for me if I will open my eyes and look. It makes me remember that phrase in Psalms where David said, "Early in the morning will I seek thee..."
Challenges are about rising to them, overcoming, and becoming stronger and wiser in the face of adversity. I would never have gained the body that I currently have without exertion and resistance training. Each day is posing a new course, each question seeks an answer. While I do not understand all the ways that God is taking me in this life, I can see at least just one more step.
And that is all I need to see today. Just that one step, that next decision, a simple act of obedience. I don't don't know who holds tomorrow...but I know who holds my hand.
Isaiah 43:18-19 and 25 (the Message)
"Forget about what's happened; don't keep going over old history. Be alert, be present. I'm about to do something brand-new.
It's bursting out! Don't you see it? There it is! I'm making a road through the desert,
rivers in the badlands.
"But I, yes I, am the one who takes care of your sins—that's what I do.
I don't keep a list of your sins."
Saturday, November 14, 2009
I need some answers. Some real concrete, black and white, solid evidence about how I am supposed to live this life. The last four years have been an interesting journey, but I feel in some ways that I have been standing on the promises and shoulders of others beliefs.
These things I know: God loves me. I have a free will. There is a purpose for my life. I am gay.
That being said, I am tired of repeating, to myself and others, the same idea and line that I believe God's purpose for my life is to live single and celibate. That may be the purpose, but saying I believe it hasn't made it any more true in my mind. It still sounds nebulous and foggy, like a whisper that was repeated enough that it took on substance and solidity in my mind.
I am a relational being. I have been made to be with people, interacting and sharing life, and I am tired of being single. This is not a rant, just a collection of ideas that have been in my head lately. I am not sure if it is because of the interactions I am having with other Christians, but I am having a hard time defending my faith and belief in this concept of singlehood against the questions and ideas of others. What really matters?
I have spent a large part of my youth and adult life in relationships. These have always been with other guys, and I was happy, content and peaceful. Life was simple. I am not saying that I am starting to date again, or that I am pursuing or entering into a emotional, physical and spiritual relationship with another guy, but I am less opposed to the idea due to needs and questions I am starting to have. I am looking honestly at my life. Why am I called to such a high standard, when others weakness' are being excused and accepted all around me?
I can still hear, "Shall we continue in sin so that grace may abound, God forbid!" But I am starting to change or possibly lose something. I am not saying I am right. I am just stating where my mind is lately. I am tired of being single. I hurt each time I turn down a date, or make distance in another friendship, thinking and feeling each time that I am losing something, or missing an experience that I so need. I also feel guilty a bit, that I don't feel guilty. I am at peace with my status as a gay guy, but how to live it out as a Christian has me completely stumped.
This might not make any sense at the moment, but I can't seem to express myself clearer. I guess there is just some confusion in my mind and I want to know for sure. I am tired of opinions and people arguing the matter. I can't continue to place my life on hold, while I wait for other people to come to some sort of solution. Please God, show me what I am to do.
I need an answer.
Slept only six hours last night, but that must be all I needed, because bounced up again at the dawn. I feel pretty good, much better than yesterday. These yawns keep splitting my face, but they feel right somehow. Life has some semblance of order and schedule and I am happy to be needed somewhere.
Coffee this morning and a chance to share some of my life story with an old friend. How will he react to the changes and information I will be sharing? I once was like him and believed nothing. I pray for some wisdom and guidance in sharing what has transpired these last four years. He has been asking some good questions and I am grateful for the time to reach out and offer hope to another wandering guy. It is amazing what we need, when we don't know it.
This is going to be a good weekend and I have no plans. Feels kind of odd I guess to not have each and everyday jam packed with people and events. I guess I will play it by ear and keep an eye on where I go. Oh be careful little hands what you do...
I wonder where I go when I sleep. Dreams are always present, but they don't always make sense to me on the other side of waking. Each morning I have to reboot my brain and remember who and when I am. Is that normal? The fog lifts and reality comes rushing back to the forefront of my head. I hope I live well today. I think after noon some art is in order. The Nelson-Atkins Museum seems to keep calling my name. I shall take myself there!
Friday, November 13, 2009
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Woke up this morning in the sun, stretched hard and yawned quietly while my toes popped and spine crackled and rolled over and wrapped my arms around his shoulders. Snuggled into the warmth in his back, sighed contentedly and then really woke up. Huh?! "He" was just my body pillow and down comforter all piled up beside me combined with the remainders of last minute dreams and memories. Sooo...I can tell today is going to be silly already.
I am not sure what I will be doing tonight as plans keep changing by the hour it seems like. Straight people and their husband and wife mutual decision making...grrrrr! I declined a dinner invitation (that I really, really wanted to accept) to follow through with a prior commitment, which has now been cancelled! Some other event has been substituted that I have no obligation to, and I really just want to call up my friend and have dinner with him, but he may have made other plans, since I was busy. Is that confusing enough?
That being said, I am going to get this day going! Coffee of course, maybe some more shopping today, which yeah, I know sounded kinda gay, but the holidays are coming fast! My Dad is going to love the new down coat I bought him. Looks like more sunshine and warm weather, so I am going to take advantage of it while I can. I cannot believe this is actually November! Oh yeah...and some new jeans and shoes to wear today! Thanks God!
6 In the same way, encourage the young men to live wisely.
7 And you yourself must be an example to them by doing good works of every kind. Let everything you do reflect the integrity and seriousness of your teaching.
8 Teach the truth so that your teaching can’t be criticized. Then those who oppose us will be ashamed and have nothing bad to say about us.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Woke up with the dawn again, with dreams of the past people and places in my heart and mind. The body feels good and fall greets the air. A question comes to mind, how many more of these do I have? We are never guaranteed tomorrow. My mind turns to Aaron and his operation yesterday. They can't fix him, it is up to God, just like it always was. How would I confront the reality of death at such a young age? Time is so short, and we all owe a death.
Morning messages and lunch today with a friend. Coffee and Christmas shopping! Planning for the dinner tomorrow night. I hope to speak some truth today, to be more than the sum of my parts. A wandering soul needs to find light, and I need to make my way in life plain. Our last lunch went on for four hours. What will we speak of today?
Upped the weight today on my workout, and my body is feeling it. Progress is good, but at what cost? I know I need to take care of this temple. but sometimes the maintenance and upkeep takes such a toll. To be blessed with genes closer to perfection would be nice, but I guess the fall of man got us all. Damn entropy!
The new rhythms and pacing of life now has me a daywalker, and it seems odd to be awake at first light. I remember this, how it used to be, how most people are. How can I do the most good, for as many people, in this short time that I do have. What is God calling me to? I feel like I am at the beginning of a long road trip, destination...unknown.
1I will stand upon my watch, and set me upon the tower, and will watch to see what he will say unto me, and what I shall answer when I am reproved.
2And the LORD answered me, and said, Write the vision, and make it plain upon tables, that he may run that readeth it.
3For the vision is yet for an appointed time, but at the end it shall speak, and not lie: though it tarry, wait for it; because it will surely come, it will not tarry.4Behold, his soul which is lifted up is not upright in him: but the just shall live by his faith
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
I wonder what matters to me? What are the things that I hold dear? What holds my esteem and love? Can they be measured by what I spend time on or with? Is it merely a relative calculation? Physical things are easy to measure. Counting what can be seen is simple, but does it truly provide an adequate measure of the relative importance and dearness to me?
What about the people, places and things that matter greatly to me emotionally and spiritually? How does one count what a person "wishes" were more important? My desire for some things far outweighs the reality of the grasp that I have on it. I so need, so hope for some things to be important to me, but sometimes they fall to the way side, or often I do not have the maturity or growth in my life to make it so.
Today was amazing. I learned much more than I taught or shared with others. Walking to work this morning, I was halted by my name called out into the morning air. Looking around, in front of the coffee shop, I spotted a familiar smile and welcome face, and one look at the eyes brought so much back. It was one of my "hims". While he was one of a set of twins, I would never mistake him for his brother, and man, it was so good to see him! Talk about a bone crushing hug! He is just as short as I remembered, but those curly locks have been traded in for something more mature and reserved. Brown eyes gleamed and a ready smile, quick to laugh and slow to speak. Time changes much, but also preserves. We are men now, grown up, so different... but yet the same. The years kind of melted and we caught up on our lives and experiences since we last were together. It was bittersweet I guess. A smile rode my face all the way to work, but we parted ways and left it at that. I am glad that I saw him.
This thing I know: people matter to me.
How to measure the worth of my past? The lessons I have learned. The unique perspective I have on this life. No one quite sees it like I do. We all have different views.
Its value lies in what I will do with it. Will I put it to use? Will I share and teach? Will I be worthy?
I will be what I am now becoming.
Sunday, November 8, 2009
Today was great, though my mind and body are weary...especially the back part of my body. Woke up with the dawn today and started as I always do. Coffee, sat outside a bit, worked out and then got ready for church. Skipped the coffee shop before service since I was already caffeinated, though sometimes I do double up on the espresso. Went to the 9 am service, so there were alot of new faces and was truly touched and challenged by the man who spoke.
He paused and simply lived a year as Jesus did. His story was touching and inspiring. I was most humbled by how he gave of himself to others and the "why". I have always been a generous guy, but never have my motives been so pure and innocent. I wept as I listened to a man share the simple story of how God impacted his life in a year, and the mercy that had been shown to him, that he extends to others, unconditionally. I will take much away from the words he spoke into my life this morning.
Nailed the coffee shop after service, knew I couldn't skip a whole day without some Broadway Cafe and started reading "The Winter of Our Discontent". Man, I have missed reading John Steinbeck. I still remember the first time I read "The Grapes of Wrath" while I was in Submarine Navigation School in the Navy. That's when me and Hartje were together, memories...His prose and words are so rich in content and loaded with meaning. This will be a good read. God, I miss Hartje sometimes.
Today was a beautiful one to behold in Kansas City, for all too soon the Winters chill will be upon us. But today KICKED ASS! It was 73 degrees and sunny, a slight breeze and a day for shorts and putting the top down. Thanks for that awesome weather! Hopefully it is a good portent of things to come at my new job. There will be some challenges I have already seen, from my peers to the customers I deal with, but I am thankful for the chance to serve again. How strange to be paid so much for so little "work". I had become used to 12 hour days and mind and back breaking work. This will be interesting to see how it all plays out. Suffice it to say, I got to meet my boss' boyfriend/partner tonight. I am not sure how my past will play into my present, as they know me from my involvement in our local politics and community here in Kansas City. How will I go about living a new testimony to a group of guys who "knew me back when"?
I was happy to see Stephen's number on my caller ID and get the message. Talked to him tonight, though I missed him at church today. He is doing well and I am glad to hear the smile back in his voice. I need to make sure he realizes how special he is to me and what a great and dear friend I count him as. Man, God truly has blessed me.
Well, it looks to be a good beginning to a new week and I am excited to see what lies around the corner...hopefully it's not the Devil or some handsome guy, or both.
Saturday, November 7, 2009
Why does this blank page always seem so daunting once it is opened? I have thoughts all day long that I feel would be good to capture and gather, but once here they seem to flit out of my head, like that gnat you can never catch.
This weekend has been good. Went different places and did other things. Kind of breaking some patterns I guess? Ended up shooting pool and playing foose ball with strangers on Friday night, and it felt different to be at a straight bar, and a dive at that. Most of my free time out and about the last years have been at my locals which tend to be sleek, sophisticated, decorated and decidedly gay. A whole night without getting hit on, just rubbing elbows and conversation with strangers that had no care about sexuality or my apparent lack of interest in the girls. Suddenly the game was shifted? It was about people being people. Gone was the class struggle and social jockeying, just good folks having some fun.
First Friday's was good, spent time wandering the art galleries, absorbing the atmosphere and generally being a kid again. Lots of good music, great food and interesting people. One particular picture kept drawing me back to it, and I spent some serious time pondering it and how it made me feel.
It was entitled "Smokin' Gun" and was hung at Studio B as part of a larger collection. The series was a grouping of dark, out of focus body images and nudes that were hard to decipher what they were, and only careful contemplation and examination would let you discover the subject.
This photo was different, at least to me. As soon as I walked into the gallery I saw it. Who hung a picture of a cock on the wall?! It was a blurred oblique picture of a penis that had smoke rising into the air from its tip. Most people couldn't make it out, but when I walked in, I was drawn right to it. I guess if you know what you have been looking for your whole life, things just kind of click? It wasn't the subject matter that kept me there (even though I do like cock) but the meanings, symbolism, questions and references it stirred in my head. The photo was in no way pornographic, at least by my reckoning, but still it had a powerful and unsettling effect on me.
I have always kind of blamed my dick for all the things that my sexuality and choices has gotten me into. It was like it had a life and personality of its own. If it wasn't for that physical part of me, I have felt, then my life would have been much easier or at least different? It always wanted something, and I always went after it. Lustful and sexual appetites really ruled my formative years, and the search and finding of love as I got older, seemed to take alot of my time and resources. The control it exercised over my life and decisions was huge. I rarely ever told it no. Other guys never told it no. But these last few years, it has heard "No" alot.
It seems strange to be writing about my dick like this, but its been a big part of my life and at times has defined or at least explained who I am. It was a large part of my personality. A source of masculine pride. A living label for what I was and what I desired. I let it define me. Sadly, I let other people define me by it as well. But I am so much more than that piece of meat hanging between my legs! Where did I get the idea that this was most important?
This artistic picture kind of showed me a mental idea, that it was my penis that has killed me, that shot the fateful shot, the smoking gun of the assassination of my youth. I spent years chasing something, that next experience, the closest partner, the new release. All for what?
It also showed me what consequences each shot or choice of partner can have. It brought to mind that sex can be a weapon too of sorts, a means to an end. The guys that I have used it on. The times I have used it on myself. How did my choices and actions effect their lives? How many times did I play Russian Roulette with others lives and myself? Can you ever take any of it back, or do you just live with the aftermath?
I hope this post isn't to raw or real, but I just wanted to get some of these thoughts out. I don't spend alot of time looking back at my past partners, but I needed to just think a bit about the choices I have made with my body over the years. I have had long term relationships that spanned years, to short flings of chance and even some one night stands. No one ever explained to me about having respect for my body, or making wise choices. I have used myself and others like a piece of meat. I have been used as one before too, as a novelty, an idea of lust. Every choice has a consequence.
Not sure if any of that made sense, maybe I will look at it later. It makes me wonder though...
Is art supposed to answer the questions, or is art supposed to ask the questions?
Friday, November 6, 2009
Last night was great! Spent time with people in my small group from Jacob's Well. Got there a little early, so was able to talk with Dave before everyone showed up. Come to find out he was a student teacher at my private school, back when I was a freshman in high school...very small world.
As life gets simpler, I am becoming more happy and relaxed with the movement and change around me. Spent time in studying last night and the three phrases that caught my eye were "come home", "go home" and "walked out in full view of all the others". More on that later, but I see that direction and calling right now for my life.
The picture is of "Egg Alley",neat story there as well...when I get the chance, so much to write about.
Tonight is First Friday! An evening of art, music, friends, good food and enjoying life. Time to get a move on, so I will try to explain a bit more later.
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Woke up with the sun today, and another set of hours begin. How odd it is to change the patterns I have lived with these last 3 years or so. Spent time reading a biography of Heath Ledger last evening after work. God, I still miss that guy.
The words and thoughts that others have and blog about seem so complex and deep. Does my mind run that simply? They ponder deep questions, provoke their readers and simply delve into many topics that I often accept for just being.
Coffee today will be a good thing, but sometimes wonder if this is just another latent addiction? Space I have before the mad hectic pace of this holiday season approaches. Found out that a co-worker is gay, Mick, cute guy. Had to laugh to myself that he still references himself in third person as a "boy". I guess one can't speak to age without knowing, but definitely could see that, he's maybe all of 25?
My left foot hurts from running and my back from not sure what. Maybe stretching and working out today will remedy that. I quick mental inventory leaves me a content feeling that my brain will be operating quite well today. Sometimes I wonder if everything gets booted up right.
How to fill the day with good things? Some music, good food and art is in order I think. Need to dust a car off and take to the roads soon. Am I too solitary in my pursuits? Call Mary later and check the notebook for points of interest of yesterday. Possibly the Colorado trip in August next year with the car club? Too soon to tell I think.
And this weekend it all begins. I am excited at the turn of events. Robin got home to see her brother which is good and B. will be coming home soon. I will find something to write about I am sure, just depends on what hooks my brain.
So many old memories surfaced on last nights walk, as I tread on old paths from years past. Tricky how memory is at times.
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
From the sunrise to nightfall and everything in between it was amazing. Colors were sharper, blue sky and clouds at Frick and Frack and I'll have the something called Monkey, thank you! Clean car, top down, new jeans, favorite shoes, happy tunes teenage kind of day I guess. Thank God to know there are more of those still kicking around this place.
Random thoughts racing and jumbled scientific musings at first waking of how to bake the perfect cinnamon roll! It all seemed so important at the time, as I booted up my brain, pried my face awake and went to fill the car with gas for a days full ramblings.
Not too far, but just far enough today in my jaunt in the country and city. Fair skies and following winds old friends would say and not far from the truth they would be. I think this is the first day I really remembering blanking out to happy. Just a simple smile and nothing more than shifting gears and curves.
Tomorrow brings all it all new. Place change, jobs change, I change. Who and how will I be here again at the new and old? How to live out the things that mean so much to so few? Weary in well doing am I, or merely just tired of walking the same paths and finding nothing new. I will be, what I am now becoming.
All to often I am either besieged by people and activity, or in a sudden drought of activity, but lately finds a steady hum of people and things to do. Has it really been this long single? To date again? What would that look like.? A bit distant I have felt lately at church, somewhat cut off from people, even while being touched and loved. What about Stephen? Glad to know his project is off the ground and time might be more available. Good to get emails and contact again. Is that what I did to my friends, each time career and projects called? I know I did, but for years at a time. In fact the last 2.5 years...at least I've got a good start on retirement!
Odd to think and learn to put here the way that my pen often finds its ways on scrawled pages, but already seen a different tone or turn of phrase will have to be kept and felt for others not knowing will find it all merely code or ramblings, not knowing the how and when that each jot seems to signify as a mental lodestone in my memory. If simple nothing else to put out a brief bit of what I did not capture at the table last morning past, while breeze and content mingled. Some rest soon is in order, but to bed my mind must first be put.
Polo boots not ordered thanks to a lucky comparison of EU vs US sizes, I have to many shoes and boots anyway. What to do with them all? Perhaps a good use they will be put. I guess the same could be said for cars? I can only drive/wear one at a time. Hmm...love and lust, the matter is in your mind.
Looking at my journal today at the coffee shop I got hit by the fact that the two perspectives or viewpoints with which I write are so different.
Everything here seems a bit stilted, or off and I feel like I am hiding myself, from myself?
Not sure if that made sense, but somehow I need to bring these two voices together and start presenting life as I see it from a more authentic space.
I feel like I am being judged here, or at least exposed, and the simple easy writing style is somewhere lost in it all. I'll never take the time to transcribe my journals here, but I will promise to start talking out loud, the best I can, for what it's worth. Hopefully we can all follow along.
And with that, I will stop talking to you and start talking to myself, feel free to listen.
Monday, November 2, 2009
It is amazing what good rest, spot on nutrition and some sunshine can do for me. Another day has begun, and the worries, trials and fears of my idiot life seem to fade back as reality comes into focus once again.
Simple things, like cleaning the house, doing laundry, washing the car, drinking coffee seem to have some enjoyment, and I find myself smiling to myself. Got the radio cranked and loving life. Hope all is well with the world out there, too soon to tell.
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Learned alot about myself last night and today. I have realized that most of the situations I find myself in, that lend themselves to sin and bad decisions, are a direct result of my prior actions. It seems if I try to see how close to the line I can walk without falling? This perspective and way of living has to change. It is not enough to be strong in the face of temptation, but also to be wise and discerning about the places I find myself and the people I welcome close into my life.
In the back of my mind sometimes I am plotting or scheming to try and get away with something, and the only person I am cheating is myself. This kind of action hurts me and God. I need to flee from sin and resist the Devil, not cozy up with sin and ask the Devil in for a sleepover.
I want so badly to live a righteous life but seem to keep sabotaging my efforts. Am I scared of success? Do I really want to live for Jesus, or am I fooling myself? The things that I love are not the best. I guess I need a heart change, but am not sure about how to go about that. When I examine what I do, versus what I say, the two don't seem to match up.
Why this struggle? It seems to be much harder lately than it has been in the past. As I try to press closer, the distractions and problems seem to come at me harder and faster. I spent today by myself, just reflecting on it all. I don't have any answers yet, but am not going to stop seeking. I don't want to live some elses convictions. It must be real for me, day in and day out.
I have never done anything half-assed in my life, but this Christian walk has me stumped. Is it merely the struggle between my flesh and mind, or something far deeper? Somehow it needs to be sorted out, before I end up hurting myself or someone else. I can't have it both ways. Either I will follow God, or I am fooling myself.