Thursday, July 28, 2011

Life update, kind of.

What a strange day, indeed. This was the original plan. Work, nap, lunch with my pastor, dinner with friends then our guys group from church. This is what happened. Work, no lunch with Kyle, (he had to run down to Oklahoma) fell fast asleep, missed dinner and our Bible study, woke up to all kinds of voice mails, put out fires all night with family and friends, now doing laundry and cleaning my house at one in the morning.  I would wash my car but the pressure washer, even in the garage is kind of loud.

So, stuff on my mind that I haven't got out here lately. Got propositioned  last week at work by one of my guys. Out of the blue. Basically  he wanted a sexual relationship with no strings. He's bi and has a girlfriend.  I am with James. That was all kinds of crazy to put to rest. I pointed out the relationships we both have and how unethical it would be on those grounds as well as work place rules and our differing positions. He seemed to take it well and I worked with him today. Kind of subdued but I kept it professional and didn't bring it up. He has to feel a bit rejected and that is understandable, but hell, he is only 20 years old. Kind of sucks that the first thing that popped into my head was...I could get away with this. Kind of shows me where I need to mature and grow spiritually and socially. He is really cute and certainly one of my types...moving on!

Besides that work is going well. My GM have fell into a great rhythm of getting things done and covering the absence of an executive chef for the short term. The team has pulled together and besides us all working 7 days a week, we are seeing some good success. We certainly are going to have to take on more partners and employees in the near future cause this is kicking my tail.

Church, huh. I am stuck between two places. Jacobs Well, where I have been for at least 4 years and the new one I have been visiting with my friends. Not sure where I belong and kind of torn. Still not really sure on what to make of all. Maybe I will revisit this later when I get some clarity.

Socially things are going great. All my guys have really pulled together tight this summer and the friendships and experiences we have are the highlight of my life. Man, I am so blessed to have such an awesome group that love me and support me, even as different as we all are. I guess I am kind of the token gay a lot, but I am okay with that. A lot less drama in the str8 world, at least that I have to deal with. :)

Family is good right now. Dad and Mom are headed back to the East Coast for a few months. It is getting to be that time of year and they love New England in the Fall. The National Congress of Mayflower Descendants is meeting and my Dad will be representing our states colony. I was supposed to go, as the Governor, but I have too much on my plate to set aside two weeks. I will certainly miss being up on the Cape, P-town, Boston and Plymouth this year but I really need to buckle down and work some stuff out here at home. Maybe a vacation for me later in the Fall. I know they are going to have a great time. friend Jeremy premiered his film this past week.  The Wolf and the Medallion. It was an amazing event. Counting down the hours till the show was hilarious and nerve wracking. It was a sold out crowd and the performance was inspiring and breath taking. Andy wrote the film score and it was performed live during the screening. It is hard to believe that the kid I grew up with has turned out to be such an amazing human and artist. You have come a long way since the playground, Jer. Love you, man. You never cease to amaze and push me to greater things.

Crap, I am getting tired now again. Working the next 8 days straight. That day off felt so good.  James is still in Chicago. Miss him so much...grrr! I guess I better get my tail in gear and get some stuff done before I have to head out at 4 am. I hope things are well with you all and that life is treating you right. Ciao!


Monday, July 25, 2011

A day off

Today I had the distinct pleasure of NOT having to go to work. While I was to have two days off in a row, it seems as if I will be working tomorrow as well, which made my free time all the sweeter.

Got to sleep in, to the late hour of eight am, and then basically took the day as it came. Got some laundry done and cleaning around the house. Spent some time sitting outside and smiling about nothing at all. Got cleaned up and headed into the city to read at my coffee shop and people watch. Listened to some cool tunes and danced by myself on the sidewalk.

Lucas gave me a yell, so ran over to his loft and we chilled on the couches and watched the city laze by in the glowering heat that is this summer. Feet up and sipping iced tea we caught up on life and generally jabbered at each other, like we enjoy.

Headed out and went over to sip a brew or two with friends and then out to dinner, by myself for a change. James is out of town in Chicago for a while, so I have the time and space to just enjoy being me, which I have sorely missed and did not realize.

Came home and figured I would post a simple update. Life is going well and I am enjoying things as they come. Relatively uninspired writing, I know, but a drama free life is a happy one.

Wish I had more to say right now, but kind of lost in my own thoughts about my present and the future. I guess when I know what's on my mind, I'll write it. Ciao!


Thursday, July 21, 2011

How to be alone :)

I freaking love this video.

It's Hot! off work early! Woohoo! That was an unexpected surprise. Came home and been hiding inside from the heat this afternoon and early evening. It is over 100 degrees outside and the heat index is over 112! That is some serious heat. So thankful for the luxury of air conditioning both in my house and cars. Outside the heat gets incredible which makes my balls hang so low I almost sat on them or I am forever peeling my  nut sack off my leg when it gets stuck. Nice visual...I know. Sorry. Stretching out bare ass naked on cool, crisp sheets in a dark, quiet room with a breeze blowing over my legs and chest makes this guy grin really wide then stretch so hard my toes and back pop and sigh contentedly. Ahhhh...

Kind of nice having some time to unwind. I decided to take a nap and then ended up wasting too much time reading a book and then jacking off to get the actual nap in. I was busy having an marathon sesh and wtf?! The doorbell starts ringing. I ignored it and then they start knocking! Grrrr.... I threw on some cargo shorts on my hips, stuffed my hardon into them and tromped to the door to see who it was. Not a happy camper. Ended up being my mail guy and I had to sign for some certified package! After taking his pen, I realized my hands were still all slicked up with lube, oops, and that I was leaking a pretty bad  spot on the front of my shorts. with it. You are the one who interrupted me! Once I got rid of him (three signatures, sign and print...really?) at least I could go back and finish in peace.  So I did. :)

Got up after laying there for an hour or so in that kind of half awake/glowing/contented state and made myself a snack. Toasted ravioli and pesto mozzarella cheese cubes. Om, nom, nom. They were so good, I actually just wolfed them down as they cooked and never had to sit down to snack. I am such a dog sometimes. Jumped online and caught up on my news. Was briefly inspired to go practice piano for a while, then realized that I would rather just be idle then engage my brain. Ever have one of those days?

So lets see...I have the night off now and need to figure out what I am going to do before everyone starts blowing my phone up. Maybe I will just let the guys decide and tag along for once. Mental note: still need to buy tickets to my friends movie that opens this Saturday. Great, now I am yawning and its already past 6 pm. Guess I might call it an early night?

Nothing really deep is popping into my head, so I am going to wrap this up. Hello to my new followers! Thanks for coming by and checking my space out. A big thanks to all the guys who have been here all along. All your input and help along the way has been great. Even though we may not all agree, I can take something good and useful away with my from all of our exchanges.

Thinking about maybe putting a question and answer section on here, but not sure how and it makes me wonder what kind of questions I would get asked. I know I wonder about the different people that I read. Food for thought I guess?


Life at High Speed

Been hella busy and have not had much time to sit down here and get my thoughts out for a few days. Work has been a bit frantic, what with the VP firing the Executive Chef and leaving us all to deal with the aftermath of running two restaurants and all the events that were scheduled for all the hotels and Country Club. So yeah...hopping around like crazy in my life. Been busy with all my guys and activities when not at work, so the days get packed pretty damn quick.

Hmm...the car is clean, I am showered and shaved, waiting on the coffee maker to do its thing and then I am hitting the road for another long day. Looks to be at 12 hours at the minimum. We have breakfast to serve, then a business luncheon. After that a BBQ for a soccer tournament (yummy, guys/food) and then a ginormous wedding reception tonight! (awww)

When I get a moment, I swear I'll update my life and bring ya'll up to speed on whats been going on in my head and my heart. James says hi, btw. He is tucked in bed at the moment and refuses to deal with my new early morning schedule. Typical boy...

Life is good. I mean that. I am loving every moment of this. Strange, huh?


Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Silver Road


If this is the anti-gay propaganda that the older generation in America was exposed to growing up, it is no wonder that they equate gay people with pedophiles. They were taught these ideas and truth from a very young age by the educational system, the role models in their lives and even more damaging, by their churches.

Watching this old "educational film" that a friend sent me made my heart hurt. :(

This explains a lot of the self loathing and internalized homophobia that many older gay guys have as well. What in the world did the gay guys think as they were growing up when they were told they were mentally ill contagious people who preyed on children for sex and then murdered them?

The people who perpetrated this horrible, hateful filth on a young impressionable audience should be brought to justice.

Day off

Two days off feels great! I have got a lot done around the house and on my yard and I am sitting back for a moment and just smiling. We had a terrific summer thunderstorm last night and I just loved going out and playing in it. Thunder, lightening, wind...awesome stuff. Made me feel seriously alive! :)

Had our guys dinner at Stephen's last night. Did some prime rib and potatoes for grub. Threw together a salad (thanks Paul) a couple bottles of wine and we were set. Took a long walk afterwards and grabbed some coffee at Charfucks, not my first choice, but was within walking distance before the storm.

Life is good right now. Going to help a friend move today, then hang out with Lucas before we all get together tonight at Greg's loft. Not sure what I am in the mood to do with my free time today. Not a lot on my mind either. Just content I suppose?

I guess I could head to my coffee shop and read but eh, might just hang out with myself here for a bit. I spend so much time on the go that it's kind of nice to be alone with my thoughts and self. I do not think I do enough of that, at least lately. I could get some piano practice in...

Guess it is my lunch time, what with this early schedule I am on. They tried to call me into work this morning, but lack of planning on their part does not constitute an emergency on mine. I need time off to stay sane. I know I will be working about six days straight starting tomorrow, so yeah, skip that noise.

Maybe I'll go catch a movie instead?

I guess I will wander off now and enjoy my day. I'll come back when I have something to say?


PS: Random picture that made me smile...that is all. :D

Monday, July 11, 2011

One night

Warning: This post contains strong language and some graphic imagery. Please take that into consideration. My goal was not to offend but to get something out of my head. Thanks. Daemon

It was supposed to be a beautiful night.

The sun was going down over Boystown in Chicago and the air was alive with a breeze that promised a fun filled night of smiles, good tunes and some great dancing. He could hardly wait to get out there and see what was going down in this city. Three days had already rushed by and it seemed like in a moment he would be due back to his life.

He left Nick's brownstone at Belmont and Halstead around 7 pm and beat feet down to the already packed strip that was clearly marked by those friendly rainbows on each light post. It was a little cool and his new sneaks and tshirt felt awesome.He knew his lucky jeans were just the thing for this night. Can't beat a good pair of broken in button flies. He met up with his friends down at Spin and they spent their time going from club to club, making new friends, getting their moves on and generally having a great time being young guys in the prime of their life.

After a few hours of clubbing, his friends decided to call it a night but he wanted to go shoot some pool. Too much Redbull and excitement had his pulse throbbing and his feet tapping. He said goodnight and let them know he'd be back in a few hours. They hugged and set off on their separate ways, him to the pool hall and his friends back to Nick's place.

It was supposed to be a beautiful night.

Hey Faggot! Yeah, fucking Faggot! Where the hell do you think you are going? Got some dick to suck you fucking Queer?!

He tried to ignore the guys and keep walking, his shoulders hunched against their words and his pace quickening. He had endured worse before and stood up to most, but knew against three guys his size, there was not a chance. Plus, he could not afford to get into trouble. Who knows what that would cost him?

Why are you running Faggot? Slow down! We just want to talk to you! What the fuck are you looking at Faggot?!

The street seemed even more desolate. Where had everyone gone? How had he got so turned around? This wasn't Boystown anymore. The welcoming rainbows and packed restaurants, shops and clubs had given way to industrial buildings with the occasional gated apartment building. Why the hell did he leave his phone at home? What was he going to do?

He heard the shouts stop and the quickened pace of feet running faster behind him. It was fight or flight time now and he chose the latter as his first option. He broke into a hard spring, but he had waited too late.

The first blow took him hard upside his head above the ear, stunning him. It spun him around as his feet tangled and he got his first look at the guys who were attacking him. His eyes registered their faces and an idle thought that they were young and attractive, not criminals at all,  faded past his mind as a second punch knocked the wind out of him. He doubled over hard. He stood up as best as he could, shook his head to clear it and stood to. If they wanted a fight then he wasn't going to go down quietly.

How could this be happening to me? This happens in those other places, to those other people...his mind was racing as his eyes darted back and forth to the three guys faces. Who would rush first? Who is the one to keep an eye on? Which one is the fastest, the strongest? Their mouths were running out an endless stream of hateful epithets but they had dulled to a roar against the pounding in his head and crash of adrenaline thumping through his veins.

That's when he saw the knife.

Everything rushed in with blinding clarity and seemed to stop time as soon as the street lights glare flashed along that gleaming edge. It hypnotized him and he could not take his eyes away from it. It seemed to promise death and his entire being cringed at the visceral thought of being carved up.

He froze rigid.

His hands dropped.

His face fell.

Knees grinding hard into the dirt and gravel. His glasses knocked off somewhere to be crushed. Rough hands grabbing his head and neck. The sounds of belts being unclasped, zippers dropped.

Choking. Can't breathe. Eyes closed. Gasping. Throat hurting. Gagging. Trying to find air.

Neck held cruelly. Head being forced so hard his nose is close to breaking.

Just do what they say. That knife's edge always in the back of his mind when not being held to his neck.

It will be over soon. He starts shutting down. Nothing but reaction, obedience and silence.

Hot tears. Knuckles taut white. Fingernails biting into his palms. He is deaf and blind to the world.

I am not here. I am not here. I am not here.

Being yanked to his feet. What is happening? Fear. More blows to his head and back. With his glasses gone, everything is a blur. His belt zings into the air like a leather whip and he feels his favorite jeans being cut at the waist and coarsely shoved done with his boxers to his ankles. The belt is wrapped cruelly around his neck. So very tight. Arms and hands are bending him over so hard that it feels like muscle is tearing. Can't breathe. What are they doing. Oh, God...

Not that.

Please, dear God, no.

It seemed to go on forever. Pain, white hot, tearing at his insides. The hot trickle of blood as it ran down the back of his legs. Still choking. Still afraid of the knife. Assaulted brutally at both ends. They take turns. No longer a boy. No longer a human. Just a thing being used to be discarded. Trash. Their hate driving them to degrade and destroy something they did not understand, or understood all too well.

Thrown on the ground. Kicked and beaten. Covered in the evidence of their use and abuse. Spat upon, urinated on and still feeling and tasting all the bitter hate filled rape that they had poured out on and in him. He felt the knife. He heard the words. Silently crying, he promised. Not a word. Not a word, ever. They had his license. They knew where he lived. I promise. I swear. I swear. Holy fuck, I swear. Please, just don't kill me. Please don't kill me.

They put themselves back together with  cocky swaggers, laughing and talking about him as if he had left. Congratulating each other on showing the Faggot who was boss and had the swag. With a few last curses and a well placed kick that split open his nose and lips, and blacked both eyes, they sauntered off into the night, hooting and hollering. Just three college guys out on the town, enjoying their social privilege and spending their parents money. The guy they had just savaged had already left their minds. He never existed in the first place.

He laid there for what seemed like hours, days...lifetimes.

The tears flooded his face along with blood. Was he dying? How bad was he hurt?  His fingers probed his face and jaw. Each movement brought horrible pain from everything down there. He hunted around for his glasses, tapping blindly on the sidewalk, crawling like a child and found them, crushed and mangled but with one lens still intact. Using a dumpster as a ladder he manages to claw and pull his way to his feet and stood there trembling and swaying, trying to breath. His legs are not broken at least. His arms still work. He starts searching for his wallet and missing shoe and almost falls to the ground. The pain all over is making him gasp and shudder. He feels so cold, so very cold.

He finds his shoe and manages to get it back on. He removes his belt from his neck, gasping at the welt and marring it has left and gingerly pulls his torn boxers and jeans up, refusing to look down at the mess he knows is there. He can still feel hard, strong hands pulling at him and squeezing his genitals till he tried to scream. He gets his pants up around his waist and uses his belt to hold them as best he can. He tries to clear his eyes. He feels the familiar stab of a broken rib with every shallow breath.

Where is he? His eyes cast around for a landmark. The skyline, that is it. I can take a bearing off of that and go East towards the water. What am I going to tell my friends? What am I going to tell the Navy?

I can't tell anyone. Ever. This never happened. It never happened. It never happened.

He takes off walking, one step at a time. Just one more step. One more..

It was supposed to be a beautiful night.

Supposed to be.

Supposed to.


Saturday, July 9, 2011


Just woke up from a amazing late day nap. Trying to figure out what to do schedule has been fracked lately? I guess I sleep when I am tired and live when I am not. Still been putting in the early morning hours in the kitchen. This is turning out to be a great gig. Lot of hard work, but feels like I am getting paid to play.

Read a cool book over my weekend. "Letters to a Young Chef" by Daniel Boulud. Total inspiration and gave me a lot to think about. He gave me a label I can be happy with. I am a Stagiaire. It roughly translates into the idea of a young chef in training who serves and works with his executive chef over the course of the years to learn the art and craft that is all things food. Sounds pretty trippy, huh? Wish I actually knew how to pronounce it!

That break from writing here was good for me. Got to spend some time investing in real life and all the new friends that this summer has brought me. Just shutting down a bit and taking things in helped put a lot of perspective on what is important to me and how to go about working this plan that I call my world.

Did some shopping yesterday for the first time in ages. Bought some new killer headphones,  the Aviator, by Skullcandy ( freakin' beautiful and amazing sound) and a new shirt down at J. Crew. (said hi to Skyler while I was there) Rocked them both all over town and then hung with Lucas for beers and noshing at our usual haunt. They know what booth we want

Things are still a bit wonky with James. Working on it and am honoring his request not to write about it until we get some stuff settled. He is doing great and continues to be that ray of sunshine that makes my face light up each and every day.  Hell, just typing his name made me grin like an idiot :)

Hmm...had a huge picnic at my new church. Fan, fucking, tastic. Ultimate frisbee, obstacle courses, killer food, new friends...all good stuff.

Summer is in full tilt here. Wicked hot and getting worse. Only drop the top on the car in the morning and night now, otherwise its full time AC to keep my nutz cool and from sticking to my leg.

Hope you all are well. I know that lil' break helped me. Will get down to some serious writing some time this next week. Got work, church and the the Ben Folds concert tomorrow. Ciao!



It always starts the same way. I am in the garden airing my terrapin Jetta when he walks past my gate, that mysterious man in black.
'Hello Roy,' I say. 'What are you doing in Dusseldorf?'
'Attending to certain matters,' he replies.
'Ah,' I say.
He apprises Jetta's lines with a keen eye. 'That is a well-groomed terrapin,' he says.
'Her name is Jetta.' I say. 'Perhaps you would like to come inside?'
'Very well.' He says.
Roy Orbison walks inside my house and sits down on my couch. We talk urbanely of various issues of the day. Presently I say, 'Perhaps you would like to see my cling-film?'
'By all means.' I cannot see his eyes through his trademark dark glasses and I have no idea if he is merely being polite or if he genuinely has an interest in cling-film.
I bring it from the kitchen, all the rolls of it. 'I have a surprising amount of clingfilm,' I say with a nervous laugh. Roy merely nods.
'I estimate I must have nearly a kilometre in the kitchen alone.'
'As much as that?' He says in surprise. 'So.'
'Mind you, people do not realize how much is on each roll. I bet that with a single roll alone I could wrap you up entirely.'
Roy Orbison sits impassively like a monochrome Buddha. My palms are sweaty.
'I will take that bet,' says Roy. 'If you succeed I will give you tickets to my new concert. If you fail I will take Jetta, as a lesson to you not to speak boastfully.'
I nod. 'So then. If you will please to stand.'
Roy stands. 'Commence.'
I start at the ankles and work up. I am like a spider binding him in my gossamer web. I do it tight with several layers. Soon Roy Orbison stands before me, completely wrapped in cling-film. The pleasure is unexampled.
'You are completely wrapped in cling-film,' I say.
'You win the bet,' says Roy, muffled. 'Now unwrap me.'
'Not for several hours.'
I sit and admire my handiwork for a long time. So as not to make the ordeal unpleasant for him we make small talk on topical subjects, Roy somewhat muffled. At some point I must leave him to attend to Jetta's needs. When I return I find he has hopped out of my house, still wrapped in cling-film. The loss leaves me broken and pitiful. He never calls me. He sends no tickets. The police come and reprimand me. Jetta is taken away, although I get her back after a complicated legal process.
There is only one thing that can console me. A certain dream, a certain vision...
It always starts the same way.

© Ulrich Haarbürste

Saturday, July 2, 2011

Taking a break

Will not be online for a while, my choice. Need to quiet all the voices and find myself again. Be back later.

Adopting casual solopsism.



Friday, July 1, 2011

Time to go swimming...


 I have not been here to write life down but that does not mean it is not happening. So much going on at the moment that I know I can't cram it into some sentences here, especially this early in the morning, on a Friday before work.

A new month starts today. Where is this year getting to?

Maybe later today, or sometime this weekend I will grab some space and time to try to jot my thoughts down and share what events have transpired since I last wrote here.

I am well. Life is amazing and strange. New friends and experiences. James is doing great and is back from the lake into my life. Family and friends are at peace and it is summer. What more could I ask for?