Monday, January 30, 2012


I watched this last evening. It touched me greatly. It was NOTHING like I thought it would be from this trailer. It made us cry. It helped me hold a friend.

Fantastic day full of church, friends, dogs and fun. Just amazing. I sleep content.


Sunday, January 29, 2012


So it is almost 3 am on Sunday morning and for some odd reason I am awake again. I think my sleep schedule is a bit messed up as I try to recover from 6 months of waking at this time in the morning like clockwork. Today is time for church and friends so I do hope to sleep a bit more before it is time to head into the city.

Yesterday went well, simple and uneventful really. Spent some time thinking about Friday night. My friend Brian took me to a play he has been working on called "The Wrestling Season" and I have to admit, we were both moved to tears by the opening nights performance. The pic to the right is Sam and Tosin, two of the local actors in the play. Such strong themes and issues about the things people say and think about others, how that controls how we view ourselves and how hurtful or helpful words can be. I certainly identified strongly with one of the characters and loved how at the end of the performance a forum was opened to everyone in the audience to share their thoughts, ideas and emotions about what the performance meant to them. Powerful stuff indeed. The entire play takes place on a wrestling mat, in a ring, with all the actors wearing wrestling singlets, guys and girls except for the referee. They will be going on tour to local high schools and colleges and I truly hope the message that they are carrying will be received and heeded. To see the pain, anguish, hurt and confusion that rumors and words can create really tore my heart out all over again.

Afterwards we attended the reception, met his friends and the actors and then watched a spoof of the entire performance put on in the same theater by a local high school drama club and laughed our asses off. It really did help alleviate the tension felt by so many. The people that shared after the performance in the forum were so varied. From elderly men and women to young teenagers in middle school, we heard so much. It was certainly good art and I know we all left a bit changed and challenged to think. The third act occurs in the car on the way home.

But speaking of wrestling...that is what I have been doing lately, with myself, with my friends, with Michael, with Brian and I guess with faith. I don't have a lot of clarity yet but I believe I am finding my way. None of this is easy. Change for me is always hard. I thought I had things figured out as they would be, but each day is showing me that moving in a direction, down a path towards something, never looks like the map. It is its own journey and experience and we cannot often predict what others responses may be. The good thing is, through this all, I am still communicating with those I love and those that love me. I am just unable to see around this next bend in the road less traveled and I am beginning to get a bit anxious about it.

I will lay down for a bit now I suppose and then get up and go to church. Prolly will head back to JW this Sunday, as the Cause is getting to wear a bit thin. I really am not a fan of pretend anything and if push comes to shove, I just won't go anywhere at all. So until later, ciao.


Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Remembering to write

Trying to make a habit once again of writing here and it seems that mornings will be the best time for me, though my thoughts may suffer (as well may you) as my brain slowly wakes up to the new day. The sun is out. I am feeling well. I am sipping my coffee and planning my day.

My sister returned to the States yesterday from working in an orphanage abroad and I do need to drop by and see her. I think that she will be in the U.S. for a few more weeks before the takes off again, to Peru this time I believe. Where she finds the energy and grace to maintain her business, social life and volunteer activities is beyond me, but she may truly be the best person that I know. My brothers and I fall a bit short, I think, on the compassion for others scale. Maybe I will bring her some lunch and just drop by.

Found out my Mom isn't feeling to well, so need to check on her and maybe take my Dad out to eat. He kind of turns into a forlorn puppy when she is down and would be content to eat toast, crackers and cheese and drink coffee while waiting for her to get better, so I need to make sure he gets a good meal in him as well as providing him some space to decompress and communicate. It is all too uncanny how similar we both are to each other.

This week is rather simple and I am looking forward to Friday night. Brian is taking me to a performance of "the Wrestling Season" and it will be nice to have a night out in the city and meet the wide range of friends that he has in the theater and performing arts scene. When we add new people to our lives we also add their people to our people, at least a little bit at a time. In the new connections, our worlds become a little larger.

I know I need to get ready now. The coffee shop and that book I am trying to finish will not wait and I was incredibly productive yesterday. I have my taxes done, finished my scholarship applications for school and still managed to find time for a good drive and walk about. If it gets warm enough today, the car is going to get washed. Talked to Michael last night for a bit and this new transition in roles and space seems to be going smoothly, which is a huge relief. I am interested to see where this all takes us.

Eh, screw it...that is enough writing for now. I am headed to the shower. Have a good day!


Friday, January 20, 2012

Ramble I didn't get back here and bare some of my soul yesterday. Instead I weenied out and posted a phenomenal poem I read in a book I'm desperately trying to finish but won't seem to let go of me. Today at the coffee shop as I devoured a few more chapters in between slugs of my three iced coffees, a story a Bushman related to Connor made me weep in public as I caught a glimpse of myself in this old African tale. I won't even bother trying to relate the moral of the story or what I walked away from it with, it was too complex of a moment to capture but suffice it to say, it made a grown man cry.

So tonight I am keeping a promise to a friend to take him to dinner in repayment for his kindness and compassion shown when I was certainly in a pitiable state of mind and body. This is my buddy that babysat me on my birthday and made sure my physical plant was returned to my home alive and in one piece. Not sure where he wants to go, but I am thinking either Governor Stumpies or Grinders, if he asks me. It is always good to get to know someone better, considering the last deep conversation that we had was him communicating directly with my subconscious mind. A subconscious mind that eventually shut the hell up and went to sleep at some point in the wee hours of the morning and then woke up refreshed and cognizant not in its own bed and certainly not alone. But that is a story for another time.

So yeah, dinner tonight and then hanging out with some other friends who basically are my safety net to escape from doing something else as equally as foolish. It is not as if I have no self control in my life, but at times I am prone to making rash decisions and never considering how the outcome will effect myself, those I love and people around me. So this friendship is going to need some boundaries, or at least more than have been expressed so far. I accept responsibility for my actions and will not cop out to some lame 'I was drunk' excuse. I am an adult and should start acting as one, even if I do have permission to be foolish at times.

Since I am on the topic of my birthday, there was this dinner planned by Michael and our friends for that evening. Needless to say, I did not make an appearance. In short, since I had started partying earlier in the day, I was in no shape to be in the company of reasonable and intelligent people. I communicated that I was not feeling well to him and crashed at my friends. This left me in somewhat of a hard spot socially and with Michael, but I think everything is going to be okay. We have communicated this week as I have tried to get over some kind of flu bug and I hope we get to hang out this weekend. We cannot afford to take chances with his health but I am feeling much better.

Cliffs: Didn't get stuff wrote. Reading a good book. Partied too early on my birthday. Missed the dinner party. Have been under the weather. I miss Michael. Taking my friend to dinner. That about sums it up.


Thursday, January 19, 2012

I read this today

Within You

If I be the first of us to die,
Let grief not blacken long your sky.
Be bold yet modest in your grieving.
There is a change but not a leaving.
For just as death is part of life,
The dead live on forever in the living.
And all the gathered riches of our journey,
The moments shared, the mysteries explored,
The steady layering of intimacy stored,
The things that made us laugh or weep or sing,
The joy of sunlit snow or first unfurling of the spring,
The wordless language of look and touch,
The knowing,

Each giving and each taking,
These are not flowers that fade,
Nor trees that fall and crumble,
Nor are they stone,
For even stone cannot the wind and rain withstand
And mighty mountain peaks in time reduce to sand.
What we were, we are.
What we had, we have.

A conjoined past imperishably present.
So when you walk the wood where once we walked together
And scan in vain the dappled bank beside you for my shadow,
Or pause where we always did upon the hill to gaze across the land,
And spotting something, reach by habit for my hand,
And finding none, feel sorrow start to steal upon you,

Be still.

Close your eyes.

Listen for my footfall in your heart.
I am not gone but merely walk within you.

~Nicolas Evans

Trying to write

I really should get back into the habit of writing here. Things have been incredibly busy these last few months but the simple fact of the matter is, I have not made it a priority. I still find time to eat, take showers, sit at my coffee shop, jack off, and all the other ways that I waste time each day and maybe it is high time to start throwing some thoughts down here before my brain starts to atrophy.

What has been going on with me...too much stuff to be honest and not a whole lot of it has been good. I guess I kind of freaked out this month after the stress of December was over. I hit a wall and have simply been reacting to things and that has not been too healthy. I keep seeking something and in doing so am missing all the somethings I already have in my amazing life. Even with all that I have and what has been going on, I am still not satisfied and that is a frustrating place to be.

I have been bottling stuff up for too long and only sharing bits and pieces of it with my friends and family, almost like I am rationing the amount of information or power that any one person has over me. I think another reason I haven't been writing or sharing much with others is that the facts of my life and the choices I have made paint me in a really bad light. I like to think that I am a good person but in reality, I am a pretty selfish asshole when left to my own devices. I think the person I want to be and the person I am right now keep getting further from each other.

Sometimes when I come here, I wonder who even reads this stuff anymore. I have looked back through my posts here and can track the changes and progress of my life over a few years but even then, the really good writing and content is few and far between. There have been days where I have poured out my heart and soul in incredibly raw ways but the vast majority of my writing still has been guarded and somewhat internally censored. I am scared about who may read what and how that might change or alter the picture they have of me. In the end, is honesty really the best policy, or do we prefer to be lied to, at least in some areas, so we can continue to believe the best about our friends and the people we love.

Maybe I will just start writing things as they are, no holds barred, come what may and say 'the hell what people think about me'! I don't want to be an asshat but I do need to get some things off my chest and maybe this is a safe place to do so? It is rather strange how many people that I know in real life read this blog now, but then I guess that is my fault cause I showed them a post or two I wanted feedback on. People tend to be nosy about each other and now it seems that too many eyes wander around here, but at least I am known. It is both scary and comforting I guess?

I think later today, as a good exercise, I will come back here and write about something that has been bothering me this month. I will tell you, it isn't very pretty or nice, but it is real and presents a problem to me that I cannot seem to solve, at least not inside myself. Time for a break, but it's good to be writing again, even if it is a bunch of crap.


Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Second Class Citizen

Some parts of me are so happy and other pieces of me hurt so very bad. I am crying and smiling at the same time. While some things are better, we still have so very far to go. So very far...

Whoever you are, wherever you are beautiful and loved. I believe in you.


Friday, January 13, 2012

Things You CAN'T Do When You're NOT a Dog

Waking up thoughts

I wish I had something profound to say, or at least thought provoking, but I do not. I have simply awoke to another day and yesterday was any indication, it will be another cold one. I feel strange not having a set schedule yet but I do know today will be a bit more productive than the last.

Sometimes we make decisions, or at least we are present when we are being undecided, and those actions take us places that we never imagined could happen. We literally have no way of grasping how each simple choice throughout our day dramatically change and shape the reality in which we and others live. Each step leads to another, each 'yes' or 'no' moves is through time and eventually we find ourselves in a new and different place without much explanation, at least initially how we arrived there.

The passage of time has a way of dulling pain and helping us remove ourselves from the consequences of choice, but in the immediate aftermath, while we are still close to the events, there doesn't seem much solace in that sentiment. Time healing all wounds only sounds good once those wounds, which are very real, have healed and are but distance memories.

I had a good birthday. I really did. It just ended strangely and for that reason I find myself in an odd head and heart space today. I do hope time helps. It only seems to pass one day at a time now.


Thursday, January 12, 2012

The things a boy will do for love...

I saw this today and about melted inside while smiling a silly grin the entire time. If someone did something that silly and amazing for me I think my heart would beat out of my chest. I do apologize for invoking the music of the Biebster but I think the cute grooms smile, dancing and the brides beaming face and laugh more than makes up for it. Love is beautiful...wherever we are found by it. :)


Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Ill and looking backwards

I haven't been feeling well since Sunday afternoon. To tell the truth,  I have been downright sick and stuck in bed. Some kind of bug I picked up that has wrung me out. Weak and feverish, not able to keep food down and generally miserable. Real attractive, I know! At least I have been able to sleep and rest and am feeling a bit better tonight. It has pretty much screwed up all the birthday plans this week, thus far, but I hope to be back on my feet, at least marginally tomorrow night. We have most of the celebrating stuff shoved back to the weekend, so hopefully, I will be fit and fine by then.

Took some time today to read back through a few years of my journals as well as my blog here. Now I am in a weird mood. I mean, I read some of this stuff and don't remember writing any of it at all? Guess that is the nature of my memory, or life or something. Maybe it is just the process of getting older, but there are some things I don't remember until I read them, certainly ideas and beliefs I no longer hold to and I am not sure what kind of progress I have made. Kind of in an odd mood now I guess and I don't want to lend it too much credit as I am ill and that certainly has been effecting my mood.

Maybe I will just shut up and come back later when I am feeling better? Back to bed for me.



Worth watching.


Monday, January 9, 2012

I stopped.

I just woke up and it is 8 o'clock in the morning. This is the longest I have slept in since this past June. Each morning, whether I am working or not, my internal clock has woke me up at 3:30 am and I have started each day early and ended each one the same. I realized this last Friday that I have not enjoyed this schedule and am not progressing in my job as I wish, not living the life that I want and generally stagnating as a I made a change.

I quit my job and enrolled in college for this coming fall semester to study Culinary, as I have been promising myself for the last two years. It is time to stop playing the role of a Chef without the education, learning experiences and challenges and actually go to work somewhere where they actually keep their promises and teach me. I had been pushed into a position that was unwanted by others and used to fulfill a role which offered me little in return for my investment of time and commitment. So I stopped.

Today is my Mom and Michael's birthday and I actually have the day to spend time with them and celebrate two of the people that make my life all the richer and for that I am incredibly grateful. In two days time, it will be my birthday and what better way to start my new year than with a re-invention of myself that actually moves me closer to my end goals and dreams?

I tend to make huge decisions instantly and have never been one to ponder endlessly the pros and cons of each possibility. It is more of a gradual shift in my mind over time that eventually culminates in something that looks spontaneous and rash but is actually a series of small choices made that others cannot see. Life is too short to continue doing things that do not bring me happiness and contentment and self delusion, as attractive and comfortable that it may be, will get me nowhere.

I am rather excited and pleased to find out that the person I have always been is still alive and well and capable of shaking things up and heading out into parts unknown. It is high time I had another adventure and settling for second best has made me a rather pale imitation of myself. As they say in the Flying Circus..."And now for something completely different!"

Well, not all that different. I am going to take some time off for myself, friends and family and start laying the groundwork for a new position here in Kansas City that will actually augment my continued education and help me realize my goals and dreams. I have two places to check out this week, spend time with the Executive Chef's and hopefully find placement under their training with in the month. In the mean time, I am going to do what I do best...start living again.


Thursday, January 5, 2012

Random conversation with my Dad

I had a really interesting conversation with my Dad this afternoon and it was not even planned, just kind of spontaneous. I got off work and ran over to visit a friend who is in the hospital. Dropped of some cinnamon rolls and blueberry muffins I made with a note, since he was sleeping and then called my parents. They happened to be at a shopping mall near the hospital so I ran over and kept my Dad company while my Mom shopped.

We kind of rambled on about stuff, as we often do and somehow the conversation turned to sexual orientation and our personal perspective on it. I was talking to him about some of my friends who remain in the closet for different reasons and are under the impression that their parents do not know and the self-delusional denial that so many families live in, in order to be "comfortable", especially religious, conservative families.

The parents, in theory, are heterosexual and the gay son or daughter think that their parents have no idea. Right! Because they never went through puberty and have no idea how a young heterosexual acts and lives? Surely they cannot spot the discrepancies in their child's patterns and life that is rather different than the vast majority. But sure, live in that weird head space if ya want. That was kind of my take on it. They would rather their kids live a lie than be themselves and be loved by their families for being truthful and authentic. How is this a good thing? I felt no shame in coming home and telling my Mom that I had a crush on a boy in my class. It was natural for me. I was excited and I wanted to share. In my young innocence, no asshole posing as a spiritual person had got to me yet and poisoned my mind with their hateful ideas and trash. So I told her and then when my Dad came home, we told him. I only learned shame, guilt and pain later, at the hands of the same assholes who said they represented Jesus. I wasted too much time in life listening to them, people in authority that I trusted, instead of listening to my heart and to my family who always has and always will love me, no matter how difficult that may be at times. I know they didn't "hope" to have a gay son and their pain was due to the fact that they knew the discrimination and hard times I would face for being in a small minority in this country. They hurt for me as any parent would. Some parents just do not know how to communicate this and impose some kind of silence and deception on their children that they carry through a large part of their lives until they mature and realize that authenticity and integrity is better than lies, denial and silence.

While sharing with my Dad about my concerns in life, my relationship with Michael and other stuff he suddenly brought up that he truly believes that our sexual orientation as humans is genetic, whether it be hetero or homo. He shared with me that his older brother is gay and that he suspects strongly that his Mom, my  maternal grandmother was also gay. This took us off on a path talking about all the gay people in our family, on his and my Mom's side and as far as circumstantial evidence goes, it looks like it could be a genetic strain in my family. I really do not know but guess what? I do not really care either! :)

The fact is...I am gay. So how or why it happened has no bearing on my reality. I either live with truth and integrity in all the facets of my lie or I chose to condone deception and lying. Christians being dishonest in order to spare someones feelings, or maintain their family or for whatever strange reason has never made any sense to me. They are doing wrong so they can do right? WTF kind of reasoning is that? I feel that most of the blame lies with the parents that have forced their kids into these horrible and tortuous situations. They have made slaves of their children, demanding their silence and deception in exchange for love and acceptance. What kind of disgusting choice for a child is that? Some of the blame lies with the kids, who once they are adults, continue living these lies, for themselves, for their churches, for their friends and for their families.

It may sound cruel...but this is very wrong.

So yeah, lots of gay people in my family. Dad thinks it is genetic. I do not know or care but find it interesting. And closeted deceptive families are a disgrace to whom and what we should be as humans. Shame on them for their faith and builds such horrible prisons for their child due to their born identity. It hurts my heart. Even with my Dad having a gay sibling, it STILL wasn't easy for him to have a gay son, especially one like me. He came from that hateful religious place and had to learn, I will either love my son and reject the lie of the church, or I will believe the lie and hate my son.

I am glad he chose me.

I love my Dad.

That is all...


Robin...are you gay?