Before the day gets started and life and schedule take away more time, I am sitting down to practice putting my words outside my head, even to just see them myself.
It has been a long while.
Where and how to start?
There is no easy way to walk back through time and bring this much loved space up to date in a single post, so my best course of action is to jump in, right where I find myself and start sharing.
Work: Over the course of the last two and a half years, I have built a solid career and position with the company that has offered and continues to offer so much promise and advancement. I have learned much from the professionals I work with and have come to know and care for deeply those I call my friends and colleagues. Currently, due to life events, I have placed my involvement there on hold. I will delve into that in subsequent paragraphs, but at this time I have some space to work through and sort out all the other areas of my life. I will be returning soon and certainly do miss the work as well as the people who make each day spent there engaging, exciting and worthwhile. My Exec. and other extended members of management have been more than helpful, understanding and supportive in this trying time of life that I find myself in. I will revisit this at another time, but am itching to get back to work, but know that the season I am walking through demands my entire attention and efforts and my productivity and quality of endeavor would suffer would I to return too soon. I love what we do there. It makes me smile. I have never regretted this career change for a moment.
Family: This one is a bit tougher to cover, but I will do my best. Over the last several years, while concurrently pursuing career and success, I have been helping my parents deal with the challenges of aging and failing health. All was going well, until Dad started having more severe complications neurologically as well as other contributing factors of the strokes and myocardial events that have been plaguing him since I was in high school.
This last January, during the middle of a city wide power outage, I made the decision to move them to the hotel I used to work at. That evening it became obvious that something was wrong and had occurred. In short, he suffered more strokes. We were able to get him to the emergency room in a timely and safe manner by ambulance and he has been in and out of the hospital and inpatient therapy ever since. To date, this year, he has spent over four months out of his house and in intensive treatment and recovery. This facilitated traveling often daily to see him, visit, encourage him and make sure his care and quality of life was as high and good as possible, given the conditions.
We have learned in the last few days, that he will never be able to return home and will require long term health care and therapy for the remainder of his life. It is not safe for him or for my Mom to ever live in the home that those two strong hands built and maintained.
This is a blow, not only to him, but to us all as a family.
We are in process of finding the best facility for him to reside at, that is not only prepared to deal with the challenges that he faces, but also is close to home, where my Mom and my siblings and I can remain a daily part of his life.
This has been exhausting, both physically, mentally and emotionally to all of us.
My Dad is my hero and in the last five years has been my best friend.
I miss him every day and each day, more and more of him fades.
That is all I can say about that at this time.
The pain is constant and ever present.
Myself: Due to a series of events, I found out that I am diabetic (Type II) and suffer from chronic hypertension. (Genetic) This has entailed a stay in the hospital for me, both for palliative medical care but also to assess and treat complications due to stress and mental/emotional health.
In the course of my varied and storied life, I have never had any serious medical complications or health problems. I also have never seen a psychiatrist or therapist or been medicated for any of the events that I have experienced.
All of that has changed.
So, I am dealing with talking to strangers about my past, my present and my future, as well as carefully examining several events and circumstances that I have faced with time and life.
None of this process is easy and I cannot say that I am finding it as easy as the years prior. I am not used to living in a space where I feel things strongly but the good news is that both my family and close friends are partnered in with me in this path and have done nothing but provide constant, unfailing, unconditional support and love to me as I discover the pain and brokeness in my own life and emotional health.
I don't like feeling ill, or having to take medicine or even talk about how I feel.
But I am learning to lean into the process and seek good things for myself and those around me.
I am sure I will elaborate on this entire situation as time and willingness permits.
Know this, I am in a good place and certainly not alone in walking this path.
Personal: There is not time and place to share how my last relationship with Michael ended. We had six fantastic years, but it did not end in the marriage, as I thought that it would. He is well and living in Palm Springs, CA now with all the dogs and we remain friends and in contact, in as much as it is healthy for the both of us. I will never, ever regret the time and life spent together with him.
Currently, I have a guy in my life that I have still yet to define. We met, oddly enough, at a farm supply store and have both found a way to share time and life in a manner that pleases us both. He is seventeen years my junior (yes, I know) but even with this space in our chronology, we mesh and fit into each others life in such a way that brings much peace, many smiles and a hope for a future together, whatever way or manner that it may take.
More on him later.
He is amazing and I think I might be falling in love after two years. (Yes, I move slowly.)
So let's see, I think that is all I have to share or can share at this time. Another day has begun and life and duty beckons, with all of its responsibilities and challenges.
I will return and soon. I am not going to bother to re-read or edit this. Just simply putting some word and ideas out here has put a smile on my face. I hope to make this a more routine practice as I moves towards my best life, integrated, authentic and whole.
Peace on you all, and I will talk to ya soon.