Saturday, August 11, 2012


My mind is all over the place this morning. I woke up two hours before my alarm for work was set to go off and once I click awake, I am good to go for the day. It must be a leftover habit from the Navy as once my eyes open, my feet hit the floor soon after. I brewed my coffee, got around my first cup and sat outside for a while just thinking about whatever crossed my mind. The crickets sang softly.

Many of my friends this weekend are at Pilgrimage. Friends from church at Jacobs Well, that is. I had last Sunday off and went to the morning service. I had not been there for several months, in fact, not since I was dating Brian in January. Kind of strange how time flies. Each year the entire church heads out to camp for a weekend of relaxing, playing and engaging with each other, en mass. It is not really incredibly structured and you can set your own level of participation and it is generally a good retreat and recharge for everyone one present. I have been out there five times over the years but life, work and schedule did not make space for it this year. I will miss the early mornings in the lake, the huge gatherings at meals, staying up to the wee hours playing games and talking as well as all the bonding experiences over campfires in the night up in the hills. It does my heart good to know they are there, celebrating and bonding. The simple fact that the pattern continues without my presence is reassuring, as odd as that may sound.

Off and on, my thoughts have turned to love lately. Not about family or friends, but about romance and dating. I have been single for six months now and I miss being "with". Not in some aching, melodramatic, angsty way, but more in a simple yearning for companionship and relationship deeper than friends and family can provide. The difference I feel this time is an odd shifting of roles in my head and heart. I want to be pursued. I want him, whoever he may be, to fall in love with me. Each relationship I have had in life, as long or as brief as they have been, have been at my initiation, at least at the first. I have always been the active pursuer and was satisfied with reciprocity, but for some shifting reason, I find myself willing to relinquish the role of aggressor. I do not think that this is a shift in how I present and interact with those I find attractive but rather, I want to know that some one likes me for me, for who I am and not what I represent or what I have. I want him to want me, even before I know that I want him. Does that make sense?

I do not dwell on it all that much, it comes and goes, usually around the time my thoughts turn to Michael. The last time he called me, a few weeks ago, I botched and cocked it up rather badly, but was completely honest about how I felt at the time. I cannot apologize for reality and his inclusion in my life as a friend has always left me sorely confused and hurting for what was and what could have been. I am going to set that topic down for now and not let it color my day.

Tomorrow morning is the Perseids Meteor shower and I am looking forward to getting up extra early to watch the meteors shoot across the sky. They are something that always thrills me and reminds me of the showers I used to stay up late and watch with my Dad or brothers growing up. One year, my Mom stayed up with me and we camped out in the bed of the pickup truck, under some sleeping bags and watched them, talking together and sketching the shooting stars we saw. There is just something so amazing about gazing deep into the sky expectantly and then watching the spectacular show that the Universe gives us.

Time is passing and it will soon be time for me to head into work, so I will end this here. I hope wherever you are, you are well. Do not get so caught up in the mundane patterns of life that you forget to look up and look out. Life is all around you, happening every day. Engage with it and with others. You may be surprised at the results.

Oh...and I need to learn how to take my own damn advice. :)


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