Today is not a good day. Normally I come here with hope and expectation, sharing my latest adventures
and describing what is going on in my life. I am not used to bad days. In fact, I am not used to feeling upset and out of sorts at all. Maybe it is part of the curse of my nature, but regardless of circumstances, I usually remain positive, lighthearted and attempt to find the good in each and every situation.
This day, I just cannot muster the energy to put a smile on my face and recapture the spring that is normally in my step. I am down and I feel blue. I feel strange and vaguely guilty for even sharing that much. I don't feel well and while today is a beautiful day, I just can't seem to get out of this slump.
What is bothering me, someone might ask? I guess someone would ask if there was anyone around to ask me that, but I find myself alone. I am alone a lot. Besides work and occasionally seeing my family, I am usually by myself. I would have never cast myself as a loner, but it seems that as years have gone by, the close people who were intrinsically involved in my daily life have moved along. I really did not notice their passing until I found myself here. I am not even sure if I took the time to say goodbye. All that I know is that I looked up today and needed desperately someone to talk to and there was just me in mirror.
My phone is full of the numbers of people that I never call and that never call me. I don't even know why I have their numbers. I guess at one point they did call me but somewhere along the way, I got lost. I think I have wandered away so far this time, that people have forgotten that I was there in the first place. Even if I were to call these people, what would I tell them? The connections that we once had have unraveled and faded, and to be honest, who wants a random phone call from a person that you used to know who is now lonely and upset about so many things that he cannot control?
I feel strange. I have all day. Maybe I have for a long time and have used busyness and work as a shield and cover to take the edge off all the empty that I feel. My 'give a damn' is busted and I don't even know where to find a new one, much less any parts to fix the broken one that I have. Is this what sadness feels like? I never really imagined that depression was an actual real phenomenon, but today it no longer seems like a unknown and distant reality. I just am not happy, not with me, not with anything. I realize my perspective is flawed and I probably am experiencing some form of tunnel vision while in this mental fugue, but it is how I feel now.
If I put things down on paper, the reality that I experience daily does not seem that dark or bad. I am sure that there are hundreds, if not thousands, of other people who would love to trade lives with me. Not even that thought bounces me back up. All I can see is what I do not like. I most assuredly do not like this feeling. I wonder when it will go away? I am not even really sure why it is here. I make mistakes. I learn from them. I move on. Some I keep making over and over again. I am not learning anything except that life hurts sometimes. Badly.
That is all that comes to mind at the moment. I am having a blue day. My stomach feels like it is in knots, my whole body aches and my mind keeps whirling down, up and around on the same thoughts, fears and questions in a repetitive loop. I would just go take a nap and hope to feel better when I got up but somehow I have to plaster a smile on my face, polish up and enjoy dinner with my family tonight for my Dad's birthday. My Mom will know something is up. Mom's always know. It's like there is something in my eyes she can read like a Post-It note.
Everything is going to be okay. It always is. It always has been. So why do I feel so fucking miserable?