Life, one cup at a time!

It has been more than a few days since last I put more than simple words here and the time to reflect has been good.

New friends have been made, information learned and even some of it applied.

This life I am living is mine. It is not an audition for my "real" life. There is no practice run. This is not simply training for a "free trial". It is my life.

Reflecting back on some of the years has been good and also bad at times. It is hard to walk forward while looking backwards. Believe me...I have tried.

Simple times in coffee shop and wandering the fall streets of Kansas City, working on art and writing, and studying strangers has let me become re- acquainted with the amazing person I used to be, before the cares of life, the weight of years and drudgery of labor began forcing my soul into a thin place that I called reality. I am still me! Under neath it all is still the boy wanderer, adventurer and silly goof that never ceased to amaze. In finding myself once again as a man, I have connected to that kid inside and figured out, it is ok to have fun!

When did I become so stern, so serious, so absorbed in the distant future that I stopped living now the way I once did? I ceased being present. I stopped sitting at stoplights until the moon rose over light pole, listening to August and Everything After, just because I could. I stopped flying kites on afternoons and walking chickens. I stopped climbing buildings, singing at the moon, dancing in the rain and playing piano in empty ballrooms! When is the last time I dive rolled at a stranger and ran off with random idiots to Chicago? It's time to get back to the nonsense that made me smile on an endless basis. Free to be me, not an idea or imitation of myself!

I am listening to my thoughts. Living out my desires. Throwing the weight of others eyes away and simple running through the leaves, scuffing my feet as I go and spinning around in art galleries when I want to! This is my life, I chose to live it.

And it's going to kick so much ass!

Again!

Whence comes the morning?

Another low late night for me, phantom sleep seems fated not to find me. Much on my weary mind, as slow time passes, and I wile away the wee hours sorting simple past ephemera of my life. Faded photographs that show stolen moments, life captured so fleetingly. So many different places, other times, beautiful people and happy memories.

Whence comes the morning?

I find it so interesting that my mind seems to be a much more orderly and keenly honest with myself when deprived of what it wants, namely ordered sleep, new information and sensory stimulus. There is a certain fragile order that falls and finds gentle hold as the thin hours stretch out towards the darkest before dawn.

Whence comes the morning?

It is often, at this time, that those clear conversations occur between fond friends, daily lovers and met strangers that often impact how we see ourselves and all this whirling bedlam around us. A certain peace and calm to examine the intricacies of the events that transpired. A hush between words and worlds, as soon slumbering heads sink slowly into sleep. A quiet space to reflect and question ourselves without that fear of judgment or threat of harm. It is quiet now, so quiet, and the autumn rain fetchingly falls while out West the thunder rumbles as giant, shaggy dogs roll the wooden potato wagon on.

Whence comes the morning?

In the past few years of this new life, so many pieces have been removed from my life, or at least misplaced, suddenly set aside or paused in motion, to make room and understanding for different places, changing plans and new people. I find myself, missing myself at times. That guy I once was. I am still here, somewhere quietly inside, but the cares and stresses of the world have muted him, silenced that calling for the ever new, the always bright, that overneath of the innertween.

Whence comes the morning?

A languid stretch brings weary happiness to a well worn body that to date has served me well. What will the aging process bring to me? Will I settle into a distinguished, craggy, handsome regality like my Father? Or will my face follow my brothers, and become ever more appealing as life etches her lines on their planes? Like my Mother, whose inner beauty shines ever brighter as more frail and slight she becomes, at least when measured against her men? Only time will tell, but still my face is the one I cannot read. Many times, my eyes catch themselves, and I peer deeply into my depths, looking for something...but what? What do I hope to see there? Who is this boy, this man, this being? They change with the fractal light, green into gold, brown into umber...I still have them Mom! I'm still your big brown eyed boy.

Whence comes the morning?

I have girded myself and prepared for yet a new path. A quiet peace now surrounds where once a turmoil of questions and emotions roiled like water over the churning rocks of cold waters. Each thought falls and moves others, like a rock in a twice tossed upon pond.

Whence comes the morning?

I will be...what I am now becoming. I am the morning.

Thoughts on life...

Today was interesting to say the least. It was a gorgeous fall day full of sun and cool breezes, but I did not feel good, so stayed home most of the day. Resting was something I definitely needed, as well as the time to think about what is happening in my life.

So many things are changing now. So many differences. All this is good in a way, but the new patterns and habits have yet to show themselves. Long drives and solitary jaunts to the coffee shop seem to be a new part of it. New music is being discovered. I am finally taking the time to really listen to myself, instead of filling each day with all the activities that have distracted me over the last 3 years.

Soon it looks, a new career may be unfolding, a new opportunity to explore something I have always loved and dreamed about. But not that it is becoming reality, I find myself suddenly afraid and unsure about pursuing it. Dreams in you head and heart are safe and quiet. They inspire from a distance and keep your mind musing, away from the mundane. Then...when they become reality, the openness in life they create is just as scary as seeing them unfulfilled. Do I dare walk that way? Looking for a path with shaky feet is altogether a new experience for me.

I used to charge recklessly into the unknown! I was the King of the Random, Master of the Spontaneous! I had the courage of an army and the energy of a child, and now...I am cautious. A bit slower with sudden changes. I know where dreams take me. I've seen the aftermath of them shattered. How my heart breaks and seeks to find something to soothe and comfort when it all come crashing down. I have made good choices this week. How strange it feels to walk away from the old and familiar and to the new?

This stirring of thoughts in me, the contemplation of new ideas, beliefs challenged and open mindedness is happening. I am not walking it alone. There are friends and family all around. How different that is, in and of itself. But what does this new chapter in life look like? I have had it all, done most of it and been all over...and still there is time for more. A phrase pops across my mind...the green mile...it seems so long.

Eh...but enough of the blah contemplation. I am excited! It is something new! Life is going to be amazing again. The grind of long hours for monetary gain are being traded for the promise of a new life. Time will tell of course, but for now it is good to love and be loved. Hmmm...that was really vague...I'll fill in the details later!