Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Thoughts on life...
Today was interesting to say the least. It was a gorgeous fall day full of sun and cool breezes, but I did not feel good, so stayed home most of the day. Resting was something I definitely needed, as well as the time to think about what is happening in my life.
So many things are changing now. So many differences. All this is good in a way, but the new patterns and habits have yet to show themselves. Long drives and solitary jaunts to the coffee shop seem to be a new part of it. New music is being discovered. I am finally taking the time to really listen to myself, instead of filling each day with all the activities that have distracted me over the last 3 years.
Soon it looks, a new career may be unfolding, a new opportunity to explore something I have always loved and dreamed about. But not that it is becoming reality, I find myself suddenly afraid and unsure about pursuing it. Dreams in you head and heart are safe and quiet. They inspire from a distance and keep your mind musing, away from the mundane. Then...when they become reality, the openness in life they create is just as scary as seeing them unfulfilled. Do I dare walk that way? Looking for a path with shaky feet is altogether a new experience for me.
I used to charge recklessly into the unknown! I was the King of the Random, Master of the Spontaneous! I had the courage of an army and the energy of a child, and now...I am cautious. A bit slower with sudden changes. I know where dreams take me. I've seen the aftermath of them shattered. How my heart breaks and seeks to find something to soothe and comfort when it all come crashing down. I have made good choices this week. How strange it feels to walk away from the old and familiar and to the new?
This stirring of thoughts in me, the contemplation of new ideas, beliefs challenged and open mindedness is happening. I am not walking it alone. There are friends and family all around. How different that is, in and of itself. But what does this new chapter in life look like? I have had it all, done most of it and been all over...and still there is time for more. A phrase pops across my mind...the green mile...it seems so long.
Eh...but enough of the blah contemplation. I am excited! It is something new! Life is going to be amazing again. The grind of long hours for monetary gain are being traded for the promise of a new life. Time will tell of course, but for now it is good to love and be loved. Hmmm...that was really vague...I'll fill in the details later!