Wednesday, February 9, 2011
1. I lost a year digging out of a relationship and then running from the aftermath and emotional fall out of loss. This was not something I was aware of at the time, but I guess it seemed glaringly obvious to my friends around me. After breaking up with Michael, I told myself and others that I was fine and that life would go on while I pulled the emergency brake of life and ran off to the lake and all points distant chasing another guy and hoping to put some space between myself and painful memories. During the events, I simply lived and told myself I was pursuing some fun times, but looking back, I was running. I turned a "weekend vacation" with some buddies into a three season long sabbatical from life, from God, from family and from the very support group of friends that could have helped me to heal during that transition back to being singular.
Along the way, I managed to spend a lot of money on myself and others, lose time towards furthering some life goals, slept with quite an assortment of guys and also played and partied my ass off. Now, I really didn't blog or post much about what was going on at the time, but those are the facts of the matter. During the course of all that, I managed to stay relatively detached from my sexual partners, known and random, but in the living out of life, I still got attached and even now am feeling the heart pull towards different guys I never knew, even six months ago. The ties and bonds we build, even during recreational sex and sharing, still tangle up the feelings I have inside. I know more time will be needed to straighten out that mess in my head and chest.
2. My spiritual life has been largely neglected over the last years as well, but cannot be ignored. I do not get to un-believe in God, simply due to the fact that I find him largely inconvenient at times.While I have been faithful at church and to my responsibilities to the ministries I am involved in, the things that I do while away from those who are good for me take their toll on my communication with Him. Somewhere along the way, I set my Bible aside, stopped listening to worship music and basically stopped talking to Him. I knew some of the stuff I was up to was wrong. I also had a lot of questions about other things that no one seemed available or willing to answer. In the midst of it all, I went from being a follower of Jesus, to a person who simply admired Jesus.
During this time I have become antagonistic to the things of the Bible, to the concern that Christian friends show towards me and generally an asshole to anyone who confronts or questions the decisions I have been making. I think that behavior came from a place of pain and was also something I used to protect my already fragile emotional state. I came close several times to just walking away from everything that I thought or knew I believed. I am in a state of maintenance and repair of those relationships. I have been forced to reach out to those who love me and seek answers anew. There have been many tears lately that fall like boiling water and wracking sobs that leave my chest and abs sore many days after the fact. Something is stirring in me again, and for that I am thankful.
3. I am still unhappy as a single guy. I have lived the majority of my life partnered in some fashion, either in a long term relationship or at least with a steady boyfriend. With school fast approaching, I know in my head that to start dating again would simply be a stop gap measure in the map of my heart and also would not be fair to whatever great guy decided to share and spend time with me. My mind then immediately jumps to the possibility of dating someone at school for at least four years, but I will not be there to find a boyfriend. I will be there to gain another degree and experience for the next chapter of my life. I also know that life is going to radically change for me in August when I move to school. The long hours of free time, the access to anything that I want and my daily activities are going to make a dramatic shift and I do not know if I have really prepared my mind and heart for that. Simply put, I am going to be working and studying my ass off and there isn't going to be time or space to pursue a relationship or even some fun on the side. It is going to be an incredibly conservative environment politically and socially and I know that is going to be a tough spot for me to be and keep my damned big mouth shut. Am I ready for that? I do not know. Will it be good for me? I am pretty sure it will be.
Those are the first three things that pop into my head now though I may come back and revisit them and explore more of what is going on with me. Suffice it to say, something is stirring and moving within me, and I am pretty sure it is the winds of change. Pray for me of you are called to, think of me if you life and give me a shout if you have any questions. Peace,