Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Eventful Pondering

Today while driving home, with the sun out and the window down despite the winter chill, I reached over and turned the music off and simply listened to the burble of the cars exhaust and my own thoughts for a change. The last few weeks have been quite interesting as they have brought me so many moments and hours of introspection and self examination internally. A few of the things that keep filtering through my head in moments of clarity are as follows.

1. I lost a year digging out of a relationship and then running from the aftermath and emotional fall out of loss. This was not something I was aware of at the time, but I guess it seemed glaringly obvious to my friends around me. After breaking up with Michael, I told myself and others that I was fine and that life would go on while I pulled the emergency brake of life and ran off to the lake and all points distant chasing another guy and hoping to put some space between myself and painful memories. During the events, I simply lived and told myself I was pursuing some fun times, but looking back, I was running. I turned a "weekend vacation" with some buddies into a three season long sabbatical from life, from God, from family and from the very support group of friends that could have helped me to heal during that transition back to being singular.

Along the way, I managed to spend a lot of money on myself and others, lose time towards furthering some life goals, slept with quite an assortment of guys and also played and partied my ass off. Now, I really didn't blog or post much about what was going on at the time, but those are the facts of the matter. During the course of all that, I managed to stay relatively detached from my sexual partners, known and random, but  in the living out of life, I still got attached and even now am feeling the heart pull towards different guys I never knew, even six months ago. The ties and bonds we build, even during recreational sex and sharing, still tangle up the feelings I have inside. I know more time will be needed to straighten out that mess in my head and chest.

2. My spiritual life has been largely neglected over the last years as well, but cannot be ignored. I do not get to un-believe in God, simply due to the fact that I find him largely inconvenient at times.While I have been faithful at church and to my responsibilities to the ministries I am involved in, the things that I do while away from those who are good for me take their toll on my communication with Him. Somewhere along the way, I set my Bible aside, stopped listening to worship music and basically stopped talking to Him. I knew some of the stuff I was up to was wrong. I also had a lot of questions about other things that no one seemed available or willing to answer. In the midst of it all, I went from being a follower of Jesus, to a person who simply admired Jesus.

During this time I have become antagonistic to the things of the Bible, to the concern that Christian friends show towards me and generally an asshole to anyone who confronts or questions the decisions I have been making. I think that behavior came from a place of pain and was also something I used to protect my already fragile emotional state. I came close several times to just walking away from everything that I thought or knew I believed. I am in a state of maintenance and repair of those relationships. I have been forced to reach out to those who love me and seek answers anew. There have been many tears lately that fall like boiling water and wracking sobs that leave my chest and abs sore many days after the fact. Something is stirring in me again, and for that I am thankful.

3. I am still unhappy as a single guy. I have lived the majority of my life partnered in some fashion, either in a long term relationship or at least with a steady boyfriend. With school fast approaching, I know in my head that to start dating again would simply be a stop gap measure in the map of my heart and also would not be fair to whatever great guy decided to share and spend time with me. My mind then immediately jumps to the possibility of dating someone at school for at least four years, but I will not be there to find a boyfriend. I will be there to gain another degree and experience for the next chapter of my life. I also know that life is going to radically change for me in August when I move to school. The long hours of free time, the access to anything that I want and my daily activities are going to make a dramatic shift and I do not know if I have really prepared my mind and heart for that. Simply put, I am going to be working and studying my ass off and there isn't going to be time or space to pursue a relationship or even some fun on the side. It is going to be an incredibly conservative environment politically and socially and I know that is going to be a tough spot for me to be and keep my damned big mouth shut. Am I ready for that? I do not know. Will it be good for me? I am pretty sure it will be.

Those are the first three things that pop into my head now though I may come back and revisit them and explore more of what is going on with me. Suffice it to say, something is stirring and moving within me, and I am pretty sure it is the winds of change. Pray for me of you are called to, think of me if you life and give me a shout if you have any questions. Peace,



  1. "Almighty God, You are the consolation and guide to all who call to You for help: Guide Daemon through his time of grief and great loneliness. Let him know that it is ok to cry and show pain and may he have one or even more people in his life to share that pain with. Father, may he not be lonely in his time of solitude but find grace and comfort as I have in love himself and his neighbor. In the Name of the Father and the Son, and the Holy Spirit. Amen."

    Hey Daemon. I am well aware of these kinds of moments. Know that I am only an e mail away if you wanna talk...or message me on GCN (ABrooks2007) ok?



  2. I've been watching you daemon, ever since we've been friends, it seems like you've been working backwards. Idk, if this is good or bad (I'm gonna go on the bad side. lol), but this also has made you grow as well. With some of the questions that you've asked me about the bible, history, etc., I'm glad you did. Some of those questions do need to be asked, even if your very skeptical about it. Dude, discipline your mind and body, if you are serious about going to this school, that's all I'm gonna say about that. God is moving you, and is trying to get your attention. Are you willing to listen to Him again?

    Let The Anthem Rise

  3. It's hard sometimes to know how to respond to your posts when you find out that you've been sleeping around with an assortment of guys. Guys that struggle with homosexuality who read your blog can be left with a feeling of how come he gets to do that and I don't. I want to empathize with you many times, but even if one supports same-sex committed relationships as a Christian, it's hard to figure out what is appropriate in leading up to that committed relationship. What role does Christ and the Bible have in determining that for you? I know that sounds condemning, but it's hard to share love as a brother in Christ when you're out just having a good time and giving in to the temptations that many of us face. Still I will pray for you, brother. And I wish you well in your upcoming schooling.

  4. Jeff,

    I thank you for your comment and understand the space it is coming from based on your beliefs and world view. The key word is "struggling". We have very different definitions as to what this means in the context of our beliefs.

    You see the "struggle" as a person fighting against their orientation and practice of homosexuality. I, on the other hand, see the "struggle" as learning to bring my sexual orientation, relationships and practice into line with my spiritual life as a Christian. I do not believe they are mutually exclusive.

    I do not condone promiscuity and hope that my post did not reflect as such. I know I have made some poor choices lately with my body that do not accurately reflect my beliefs but I think those were pointed out as symptoms of the larger problem I am having wrestling with the emotional and spiritual issues in my life.

    We come from very different places and define terms and lifestyle in vastly different ways. I will always be condemned by those on the evangelical fundamental side, and I am okay with that. They are left with no other choice or space in their belief system. It is all or nothing for them on the issue of sexuality.

    My life is what it is. I am new to being a Christian, but I do not use that as an excuse. Finding a space where my self exists with my new self is not easy. The transformation and conformation to Christ's image will take time and diligence.

    I can assure you that I have been challenged and convicted by others view points in my life and am always open to honest and frank discussion about our differences. Unfortunately, while I can accept others beliefs and ideas rather easily, they do not seem to realize that their jurisdiction stops where my skin begins.


  5. Daemon, thanks for your reply. And after posting my message I remembered that blogs are supposed to be our own personal journals to just share what is on our mind. And for that I continue to applaud you. If we hide what we are really dealing with, then what good are we?

    I would treasure knowing you in person. People like you challenge the church to be real, to show real love and to be authentic. We all struggle with sin, each in our own way. When a pastor says from the pulpit that he deals with sin every day and that there is none righteous, no not one, would he reveal his real sins to anyone, even if he is working hard to overcome them, and how forgiving would a congregation be if our pastors were completely open with us. Jus look at the stats on pastors who have looked at porn in the last 30 days. Half the pulpits in the country would be empty tomorrow if congregations made that a criteria for preaching.

    I am an amazingly different person than I was four years ago when I started blogging and connecting with more and more Christian guys who deal with homosexuality and their faith, and I feel like I will be on a continuing journey for the rest of my life. I recently connected with a Christian friend from 25 years ago with whom I had shared in a small group my early story of seeking to overcome homosexuality. A few months later he opened up to me about his own struggle, but he moved away a while later and we never reconnected until recently. He didn't come out until his mid-30's since his church and family had greatly repressed him, and he is now openly gay, datnig towards partnership or marriage, and considers himself atheist or agnostic. We are having some fantastic conversations, which I would not have been able to do with him four years ago. It feels good.

    Thanks for your continued understanding and ongoing dialogue. I appreciate your response.

    Much love to you, brother.


  6. Daemon:

    I was actually relieved to read your lines, "The ties and bonds we build, even during recreational sex and sharing, still tangle up the feelings I have inside. I know more time will be needed to straighten out that mess in my head and chest."

    I've always thought and experienced that sexual sharing tends to build a certain kind of connection. I don't know what kinds of guys you were with, but they were fortunate to connect with you, and I hope (in spite of some confusion) that the connection with them was worthwhile. Why not pray for them?

    As to the conservative school you will attend, a high-energy guy like you will still have *some* personal time of some kind. Don't be surprised when you run into the closeted gay guys who also attend that school: just sayin. Conservative Christian schools *always* have closeted gay guys. If that happens, I hope God will use it in some good way.

    I'm so happy for you that you continue to work on integrating spirituality and sexuality. It will happen, and Christ is with you. :)

    Jeff: I also know two guys who used to be celibate gay Christians, got burned badly by their home churches, found boyfriends, and have ended up agnostic.

    Sometimes it makes me so angry. If the churches were welcoming of gay relationships, such "scorched earth" burning out of faith would not happen nearly as much. The other guys I know from the Gay Christian Network are a testimony to me that God is with his gay children, including same-sex couples.

    Kind regards,
    michael e