Monday, February 28, 2011

Feeling sick but thinking anyway

So I woke up at midnight, coughing again and wondering if I have the flu. The last two days, while really busy, have also brought along with it the symptoms of the crap I had earlier in the winter. Sore throat, hacking deep cough, aching joints, fever, the whole nine yards. Ugh...I do not need this right now, but what can you do? I am sure walking around in the fog and rain today did not help very much as well, but I had to have some time to think.

I am not sure if my brain is working well at the moment or poorly. I will have to come back and read this later to determine if I am lucid, but knowing that I haven't taken any medication in 24 hours is probably a good sign of coherent thought. Right? I hate this cough. It hurts my abs and throat. They clench all up like tightened fist and then start cramping. Oh well, who cares.

So while sitting in church today with a friend of mine from Australia, who just happens to be the sexiest thing on two legs at the given moment in my humble opinion, I listened to the speaker and something in my head kind of popped. Or maybe it clicked. Anyway, there was some type of mental/physical sensation and I asked myself. "What the hell am I doing here?"

Why do I keep coming back to this building and hanging out with these people? Are they my friends? This is a bunch of crap! It makes no logical sense.  How the hell did I get deluded into this religion? Was I missing something?  How does on go about unbelieving something? Did I need some kind of emotional crutch? Is whatever was wrong all better now? Am I seeing clearly now, or am I just as confused as I always have been?

Let's put it this way. I think I am taking a break from church and all the people in it. I need some time to clear my head and figure out what is really going on. Why does my nose keep running?! Why are guys so beautiful? Terrified and content, all at the same time. What a great post for number 400. *sigh*


  1. Terrified and content, all at the same time.

    Ah, the joys of experiencing conflicting and even contradictory emotions simultaneously. I know the feeling all too well.

    I hope you feel better soon.

  2. I could tell that you'd been thinking cause I could smell wood burning al the way up here in Minnesota.

  3. Hey Daemon!

    Is it just me, or do you go back and forth as far as finding Christianity attractive or repelling?

    What was it that spurred your question, "Why the hell am I here?" I'm curious because I'm not sure what you were responding to. Something in the sermon? An attitude you saw in the people?

    Kind regards
    michael e

  4. It is not just you, man. Lately I have been on some kind of weird swing where I love some of the the stuff I find in Jesus and then when confronted by the reality of his followers, I want to have nothing to do with anyone who aligns themselves to an organization in His name.

    It's like I believe but don't want to. If I could unbelieve, I would walk away, but that doesn't seem to be an option.

    I hold onto that illusion of hope, even while people are stomping my open mouth into the curb. That is how church has felt lately.

    What in the world do all those words mean they keep saying? I really don't know anymore. Do they?