Monday, September 26, 2011
So Blogger has changed the interface and somehow this huge blank wall of white space to fill seems even more intimidating than in the past? I came home this morning and have simply sat with myself, distracted myself with music and the internet, chatted with some friends and tried to process my so called life and the blur it has become.
As one can tell, my writing here has become a bit sparse. It is not for a lack of things to say or events to process but more of a mental locking down in bewilderment at the rather odd array of choices that have crammed my space and time for these last few weeks.
I have been trying to examine my past and sift through some years of confusion and pain. I have attempted to write about some of them, with mixed results, while other things I carry deep and fast within my heart and brain. Some that I thought I would take with me to my grave have slipped out to friends at odd moments of clarity and disclosure. Simply letting them rise to the surface and be discussed with a few trusted friends has broken loose so many conflicting and dizzying emotions that my initial reaction has been to act out, to emote badly and try to lose the pain in drinking, hanging with friends and sleeping around. Not a healthy or auspicious start to the healing process, no?
I told my Mom the other day that I am fighting with God. It think that was a rather true statement and I am still fighting with Him. Actually right now, I am not speaking with Him because I do not know what to say and am kind of pissed off at Him and how freaking scarce He seems to make Himself. Why won't He just speak plainly about stuff and stop being so damn mysterious. Hell, he came to earth and then didn't start talking for 30 years and then when He did open up, it was all riddles and stories that seem to be all backwards and strange. He says that He is here but I can't see Him. He says He loves me but I can't feel Him. He says He is in control but life seems like a crazy set of circumstances and events that just happen.
Just got news that my Mom's little sister died suddenly today. My little sister called crying and upset at work to let me know. It was sudden and there was no warning. She is simply gone. I was close to her. We often would share time and words when life and schedule permitted and she understood me. Her last husband happened to be a gay guy, though she was rather blind to that and that divorce hurt her a lot. I spent a lot of time listening and simply being there for her. I think the last time I hung out with her was at my G-ma's funeral? I don't know if I feel anything at all about that at the moment. I process death oddly. I simply don't feel anything and then stop thinking about the person. Not sure if that is healthy but it is how I cope.
Got to meet with pastor Kyle this week and kind of download what is going on in my life, past and present. The issues that concern me and some of the changes I would like to see happen. Church and faith is very conflicting at the moment but remains something that is helping me right now even when I leave the service or group of friends more irritated and pissed than when I arrived. Each week I tell myself I am never going back but something there keeps pulling me into its orbit. I need something. I am missing some element or truth that has to be discovered. This life I am living must have more purpose than what I have discovered so far. I hope to find some answers and stop living in such a wastrel and self destructive way. I do not know how much more of it I can take.
I do stupid crap. I am not sure why. I think maybe I am in pain and have been for many long years. Why is looking back such a hard thing to do? Confessing stuff to someone else seems to make it more real and then I feel exposed and fragile, like they have my rapidly beating heart in their hands and could crush me at any moment. Why is it so hard to trust? I worry that when I tell people who I really am, how I really feel, what has really happened to me and the choices I have made that they will not like me or love me anymore. What to do when the facade and carefully constructed house of cards not only starts to fall but also catches fire. I feel emotionally naked and exposed. I do not like this feeling.
What I do like is the way my friends have accepted and loved me. Nothing I have shared or said, even at my worst moments when life is ugly and hard, has caused them to turn away or belittle me, shame me or condemn. They just have been there and I so appreciate it. Life is confusing. I am not sure I like it at the moment. I will simply keep doing what I know to do and attempt to stop doing what I know to be non-life giving. That is easily said and much more harder to implement in reality. I had two days off and never slept at my house in my bed once.
What am I running from?
What or who am I running to?
Who should I be?
I have forgotten the me I am and or would like to be.
I just feel lost.
I have to get this pain out of my heart and head somehow.
What I am doing is not working well at all.
I do not know how much more I can possibly take.