I am sitting here in my PJ pants, a pile of sliced cheeses on my left and bowl of chips on my right with a tall glass of iced Green Tea waiting and trying to make sense of my life in these past few weeks. There is a pizza waiting, of which, I shall eat far too much, and then collapse in a food coma until it is time to get up for work. I weigh this with the fact that due to stress and poor life habits, I have lost over 22 pounds on the last month or so.
It is kind of scary. The more I try to eat, the more I lose and the more I puke in the shower in the morning when I cough so hard I fall over and pass out for minutes at a time. I really hope this morning, that color I saw without my glasses on was not blood. I looked rather dark. Maybe it was the orange juice?
So life...is strange. All my familiar habits and rituals pretty much got shot to shit this past month due to work and the change of friends and patterns. I feel pretty much lost except for my work schedule. When I leave there, all bets are off.
I have been on 3 dates with my ex-boyfriend with one coming up tomorrow. I have slept with 2 almost strangers. I have been sexually harassed at work twice.
I have defriended all my church family on Facebook. I have bought more alcohol than I would care to admit. I have become the guy that over tips the service people. I have not seen those who love me. I don't return calls. I hang up on people that I know. I wake up to strange songs.
In short, I am falling apart.
Sure...my bills are paid. My life is in order. But underneath...I am all fucked up.
I don't have the answers. I am not that smart. I am horny all the time. I don't know who I love. God is confusing and His people keep making me feel weird.
I keep flirting with girls. I keep noticing guys. Life is all kind of one big miasma of noise and cacophony. However that is spelled. I keep going to church, cause I don't know what else to do and keep going out to clubs cause I don't know what else to do.
There has to be more than this. I have love all around me and can't accept it. There is sex to be had and it doesn't make me truly happy. I want to believe something but it seems shallow. My heart hurts but maybe I deserve it.
I can keep spending this life like found money but it will run out. Do I want to be here when that happens?
daemon
Hi, Daemon. My name's Mike. I've read your blog for about a year, maybe a year and a half now. I think I first found it when my brother linked something you had posted to his blog, but I can't quite remember. If you see views popping up from Fort Wayne, Indiana (though soon to be chicago), that's me. The reason I've read and kept up for so long is that I've always been very impressed by the way you're willing to be so open and transparent about the way you traverse life as well as the struggles and confusion you encounter. As a gay man myself and a former (very devout) Christian of about twenty years, I've always been very intrigued and interested in the way you reconcile your orientation and your faith. I have often had a desire to comment about your posts, but have never really known quite what to say to offer any kind of support or wisdom, mainly because I don't have a relationship with a god anymore, so the way the two of us see the world and derive meaning is probably very different. Even so, having kept up with your life for so long, and having been given the privilege of the insight into your life this past year or so, a life that you've so generously shared with me, I feel like I'd be remiss if I didn't at least pop up and say: Hey. I'm here, and I love your blog, your passion, your struggle, your honesty and your dissatisfaction with easy answers.
ReplyDeleteCarl Sagan said "We make our world significant by the courage of our questions and by the depth of our answers." I want to encourage you to keep being courageous as it seems you have been in the past, to continue struggling to find meaning and to fight for what's real and true in your life-- And to be well. Above all else, be well. Fill your world with things that edify your life, and try to curb the things that poison and pollute your humanity. And in the mean time, I suppose I'll be here reading what you come up with, free of judgment and with much hope for you as you continue on your journey.
Mike M
P.S. At least you're drinking green tea, right? Antioxidants and what not.
First, I'm sending up prayer for your bodily well-being. I'd hate for you to drop off the edge of the earth.
ReplyDeleteSecond -- is there opportunity for you to go on Retreat? Like, a Catholic Retreat Center? A guided retreat?
Because you need to be re-grounded.
(And I'm not a Roman Catholic, but they usually have something to offer in that regard.)
Or, talk to your local friendly pro-gay Episcopal priest or ELCA Lutheran pastor. Look up on www.gaychurch.org first to make sure they are gay-friendly.
And maybe set aside 20 minutes every day for prayer. Use Morning Prayer and Evening Prayer from the Episcopal Book of Common Prayer or from Evangelical Lutheran Worship, and follow the bible readings given therein too.
You're a wonderful man and God wants you whole and alive.
Hugs!
michael e
Thanks guys. I am slowly kicking this stupid virus I have had and am doing much better today. Work really made me happy and now I am getting ready for dinner with Michael and two of our friends.
ReplyDeleteNone of this has been easy and I actually started this blog on a whim. I have made some close and great friends because of my sharing and am always interested to find out who actually reads the crap I write here.
Thanks again for your kind words and suggestions. None of this is easy...but all of it is good. When I hurt...it reminds me that I am still alive. Pax,
daemon