Friday, September 16, 2011
I am sitting here in my PJ pants, a pile of sliced cheeses on my left and bowl of chips on my right with a tall glass of iced Green Tea waiting and trying to make sense of my life in these past few weeks. There is a pizza waiting, of which, I shall eat far too much, and then collapse in a food coma until it is time to get up for work. I weigh this with the fact that due to stress and poor life habits, I have lost over 22 pounds on the last month or so.
It is kind of scary. The more I try to eat, the more I lose and the more I puke in the shower in the morning when I cough so hard I fall over and pass out for minutes at a time. I really hope this morning, that color I saw without my glasses on was not blood. I looked rather dark. Maybe it was the orange juice?
So life...is strange. All my familiar habits and rituals pretty much got shot to shit this past month due to work and the change of friends and patterns. I feel pretty much lost except for my work schedule. When I leave there, all bets are off.
I have been on 3 dates with my ex-boyfriend with one coming up tomorrow. I have slept with 2 almost strangers. I have been sexually harassed at work twice.
I have defriended all my church family on Facebook. I have bought more alcohol than I would care to admit. I have become the guy that over tips the service people. I have not seen those who love me. I don't return calls. I hang up on people that I know. I wake up to strange songs.
In short, I am falling apart.
Sure...my bills are paid. My life is in order. But underneath...I am all fucked up.
I don't have the answers. I am not that smart. I am horny all the time. I don't know who I love. God is confusing and His people keep making me feel weird.
I keep flirting with girls. I keep noticing guys. Life is all kind of one big miasma of noise and cacophony. However that is spelled. I keep going to church, cause I don't know what else to do and keep going out to clubs cause I don't know what else to do.
There has to be more than this. I have love all around me and can't accept it. There is sex to be had and it doesn't make me truly happy. I want to believe something but it seems shallow. My heart hurts but maybe I deserve it.
I can keep spending this life like found money but it will run out. Do I want to be here when that happens?