Thursday, September 29, 2011


An afternoon at home, a bit of a rarity for me, to be sure. Came home from work and simply sat. Sat outside under the wide sky and was there. It felt good and then my mind kicked in and reality came rushing back at me, like it always seems to do when it detects any hint of peace. But at least, for a few short moments, I practiced the art of being present.

Listening to music now, feet up and wondering if I should forgo the nap in favor of enjoying the rest of my day out and about. I have had a bit too much "out and about" the last few weeks to be sure, but always feel that wanderlust urge to keep moving. Such is the life of a nomad.

Kind of in a tough spot in life right now. I have pretty much come to the conclusion that God is an asshole. I could explain in great detail why I feel this to be correct but I will just let it stand for itself. I am learning that I truly believe very little. In fact, so little that I could sum it up like this: I believe in something but I have no idea what it is and I am okay with that for the moment.

This is another weekend for a funeral. My heart is heavy with that thought. I do not understand death and have never been able to process the fact that a person could be here on moment and then not here in their body any more the next moment. I cannot say I approve of that part of the plan of life, if there is one.

Tonight I have going to grab some wings, pizza and a movie and crash out with Michael and share time and space. I need some not thinking about stuff time and I love cuddling up and kind of drifting off to that place we create when we are together. We get to shut the world out a bit and orbit each other. I think that love could be found there, in that space.

Had a good talk with my Mom and have decided not to run away to Germany. I knew I had to download that idea with someone who could help me see the the outcome of that ill timed decision. (By the way...I was planning on going to Germany and maybe never coming back from Europe for a while. Kind of forgot to mention that to anyone. Sorry)

 It would have been the start of a grand tour of Europe but there are too many other things in life that I have committed to and need to accomplish before I wander off on my next adventure. This time, at least for a while, I will stay put. Too many people love me here to abandon this life I have built just because the road is steep and hard. My past has always been a pattern of putting to sea, of hitting the open road, of taking to the skies whenever things became too much for me to process. This time...I shall remain.

So here I am. Possibly in love. Falling out of faith, Still searching for answers. This is common to us all but my true test will be what it takes to stop me. And if and when I do stop...will I start once again?

1 comment:

  1. Hello Daemon. I've been reading your blog for quite some time. I read most of it; I've had some spare time. I understand the battle you're going through but you don't have to be stuck in it.

    You seem to be materally and financially secure yet you aren't happy. Your life is full of drama. My life was full of drama too. Maybe you like drama? I was concerned being a gay man and being a Christian could not co-exist. I took the bull by the horns and started studying the Bible in the original texts. Nowhere does it say you can't be gay and Christian. NOWHERE!

    God is not an asshole. You have "friends" you're listening to whom you are letting lead you their way. Find a Lutheran ELCA church, attend the MCC church you've been to, find a UCC church or a gay affirming Episcopal church. You're running around in circles and you don't have to.

    I'm a Music Minister for an ELCA Lutheran church and my partner and I who have been together for almost 11 years are totally accepted and I serve in a very small town in Salem MO. Lean on God and one else. You're relationship with God is nobody's business but yours and your life is nobody's business but yours. Put God number 1 in your life. You have to decide what you want out of God and life but you don't have to live the way you've been living. God is waiting for you to choose life.

    Edward Morris