I am changing.
These words may seem like a statement of the obvious, as they elucidate the fact that none of us are the same from one moment to the next, but I feel there is something more profound in effect occurring in my life. A subterranean shifting deep within the core of my person has been noted on my emotional and mental seismograph. It has been slow and subtle over time, so quiet in fact that I have not been aware of it until as of late. Perchance something so large can only proceed with the quiet, steady passing of time revealing itself on the surface of our lives as we become aware of it during quiet reflection.
A thought sprang to my mind several days ago which has not turned loose of me. It keeps orbiting in my mind, fading from sound and sight for awhile and then returning in moments like these. It was simply this. The individual that I am on the inside is not the person that I wear on the outside.
This may initially appear as a revealing statement about conflicting divergent authenticity and the integrity of my internal life with my external presentation to the world at large, but I feel it is something rather different than the obvious instant answer. I do not feel duplicitous or evasive in the manner in which I live my life. The way that I present tends to be an at times all too clear example of what is on my heart and mind. Thoughts tend to come across my stream of consciousness and instantly bypass any type of socially imposed filter to me verbalized or acted upon. This is not to say that I am impetuous or suffer from lack of self awareness but as I am, so I live. There are positive and negative aspects to this manner of living which I will not enumerate now but, by and large, it has served me well over the years.
What I am searching to define here, as much for myself as for you, is that there seems to be notes of discordancy in the music of my mind and heart that have been playing much too low for me to be aware of and certainly that have not raised in volume enough to be sensed and heard by all of the other people who make up the cast and fabric of my life. As I am beginning to note it, I am simply listening to myself and not attempting to instantly start deconstructing it in an attempt to formulate a plan for resolution or eradication, as is all too often the case for me. I have become aware of the ongoing occurrence and am choosing to sit and wait.
I do not sense that it is negative or harmful to myself but rather a creation or synthesis that is effecting change in small and almost imperceptible ways. I realize that this is an elusive concept to try to define and it may be taxing my mind to communicate about it at such an early juncture, but I needed to at least capture this sense as it happened to place a landmark of awareness in place. My interior does not match my exterior, metaphorically, as it once did and the new things that I am discovering, or old things that I am rediscovering about myself are exciting, vibrant, interesting and life altering, at least to me.
What I hope to do during this awakening time is to be present, not simply to understand and become aware of what this growing and shifting is, but to be able to eventually communicate, share and live out these new facets and interior depths with those in my life I care about and the people I come in contact with every day. There is much more to me than meets the eye. There is much more to everyone than what we can see. I want to share and want to be shared with. The obstacles are many but I think it can be done. It must be done.
So in these middle times, I will listen and wait. Foundational plates are shifting while rock groans and in the far distance I hear the sounds of a new old orchestra tuning up, everyone playing everything and nothing at once together.
I think this is anticipation.