Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Morning ramble on

I realize that I have not been writing much here lately. It is not that I have forgotten about my blog or do not wish to share because I think of my space here often, but I have not been moved to write about any one thing. This post may be a bit or a ramble but I have a lot on my mind and need to get some of it out, even for my own sake, to review it at some later point of reference.

A place to start will be a point of hurt that I am experiencing and living in and with currently. This last week I decided to call Michael to see how he was doing. I genuinely still care about him and certainly miss his presence in my life. To be blunt, his response both shocked and wounded me more that I would like to admit. He stated calmly and efficiently that he did not know who I was and that I must have the wrong number. Three years of life, love and experience erased with a few simple words. In his world, not only do I not exist, I never existed in the first place. It crushed me. I had saved his life and he was my world. That is all I can about that matter right now.

I spent some time getting coffee and catching up with Bruce yesterday at my favorite coffee shop. He was a bit late arriving but I did not mind as it gave me time to attempt a catch up read on my growing stack of National Geographic magazines. For some odd reason or quirk, I only read them at the Broadway Cafe and as I have not been there in quite some time (last November to be precise) they are beginning to add up. My subscription is a long standing gift that my parents began many years ago and I look forward to it each month. It was so good to talk and listen to him. We never are at a loss for words and no topic is taboo. I admire him for his intellect, education and vast experience in life. He literally knows something, if not a large amount, about everything it seems. While some people can be cowed a bit by his confidence and manner, we have become fast and dear friends. I cannot imagine what he must see in me but I am most happy that we are in each others lives. He always asks me the right questions, no matter how uncomfortable they may be, and is quick to cut through the stories and fabrications I tell myself about my reality. In a phrase, he is a truth sayer. I think me and him are going to catch a movie later this week. His husband Mark might join us as well. I love those guys. :)

Today marks my second day off of work in a row. I had the joy of working fifteen days in a row, so I am very thankful for this break and respite. I woke up a early once again today and am still unsure of how I will be spending it. After spending over four hours with Bruce yesterday, I then joined several of my friends at a local restaurant and had a great lunch and a few drinks. I am a regular there and know the owners and other people that frequent the place as well. It was good to see so many familiar faces and simply enjoy listening and catching up with so many people. My work schedule and patterns had made me a bit of a homebody through this winter I believe. The high point of the afternoon was realizing that a few guys there found me attractive and interesting (though they were a bit shy when I talked to them) while the low point was the arrival of my ex-boyfriend Brian, whose presence can still unsettle me greatly. I made a point to say hello to him politely and  to be gracious. That guy still manages to get under my skin and time has not made the chemistry fade. It frustrates me and is maddening!

It looks like it is going to be a clear and sunny day today, though a hard frost arrived over night. I am still in my pj pants and hoodie though I have managed to get some coffee and breakfast inside of me. I have a bag full of books to read, a stack of movies to watch and another whole day to enjoy myself. I may get out and about later. Who knows? I will take it a moment at a time and savor each one. Hope you are well, wherever you are. If you have any ideas on how to cope or handle this situation with Michael or even just a comment or two of observation, please feel free to share. I have never been in a situation like this before and I am not sure exactly what to do. I hate admitting that, but it is true.


PS: I forgot to mention that I am beginning to loathe being single while at the same time do not have the energy or time to devote to a new relationship. I think it is great that guys like me but it is a rather moot point when the attraction isn't mutual or the timing beneficial. I just don't think that I am ready to open up to another guy and share my life right now. I am obviously not emotionally over my last two relationships, or maybe any of them, for that matter. I will not waste a great guys time by not being the best person I can possibly be. I refuse to give less than everything. And I still hate being single. Blah.


  1. Getting over someone really does suck. I'm not sure if I would say it is the hardest thing to get over, but it really is close. The emotions can just pull at you in every sort of direction.

    May you enjoy your current singleness though, at least until the time you meet your one true love, who is undoubtedly waiting patiently out there for you. :)

  2. I would only say that you started out by saying..and I knew something was up b/c you hardly ever make grammatical or choice of word mistakes..anyway you started out by saying that you had nothing to report and then you spent quite a bit reporting something important. It really doesn't matter that you didn't go to Matterhorn this week or that you didn't swim the English channel. All that matters is that you reported what matters to you right now and you did an excellent job of putting it to words. Some of us aren't nearly as capable of doing it the way that you do and there's a bit of jealousy..of am I the only one? And then you found out that Michael has pretended to forget you. He's saying that he's running away from the past and that possibly even there's someone else in his life right now. But don't beat yourself up because you feel the way that you do. It just means that you loved. So happens it wasn't returned the way that you needed. It wasn't mutual respect. It doesn't diminish him as a person or you. It just means that it was part of your life that you need to let go of and perhaps this latest experience can help you? Perhaps he knew that you have trouble saying good-bye and was trying his best to let you go? Some people have trouble letting go. It's normal. Just don't allow yourself to continue focusing on what was or what could have been. It's not going to be. So any further mental focusing on the matter won't help. And as far as you not being ready for another relationship. Ha. (I don't mean to be rude or draw and quarter your thoughts. Bear with me.) You are not telling yourself the truth. You are ready. You just need someone else to help you and that might be all that it takes to help you to let go of what never will be. That might be all they need as well. Think about this. I nearly wrote the same thing...undisclosed blog...yesterday and I realized something similar. You are fine, really. Good luck. I'll say a prayer for you. It's hard to find the right person. Just don't rush or be allowed to be rushed.