Wistful new and old...memories

It's the strangest feeling

to be anchored to a ship so far away

Sweet and deep and close and then

Bland and empty and uncomfortable.

Pathetic and below me, then

He is mine and I feel kind again

It's a small thing, a trinket brought by train

Too few words and too many...

It's I-love-you and Me-too and I-miss-you and I-know

It's the initial dance of the less-than-intimate yet

Today indelible and strong

Tomorrow, forced--then gone.

Where I stand...

Being present

Woke up at 5 am this morning. Ran and worked out. Found my way to Coffee Girls to meet my life coach and throw it all out there. Construction, rain and wrecks tried to delay me, but I navigated around them to arrive on time. That simple accomplishment set the tone for the day.

My talk with David went great. It was good to hear someone say to my face, it is going to be OK. There is nothing going on in your life right now that is a surprise to God, to me or any one else in life. We talked much about design and formation.

Some things in my life are by design. The fundamental being gender. I am a male. With this matter settled (simple huh? a boxer check did the trick...lol) what has God designed me to be as a man? Life experiences that I have had, fall under formation. It is in this formation that much of our identity is etched in, and often has little to do with design. So many things have formed me.

My relationships with family, friends, the guys I have dated, loved, cared for and been hurt by. The schools, college, books, movies, military...everything. It is all a part of my formational story. There are some dark things there, some great things, some that I have yet to confront and work through. How to go about unpacking the memories of the past in a healthy way?

I am learning to live with the questions. Not to run away, or to rush towards, but simple to be in this moment. To be present to the experience and not always have to have a solution. It is going to be OK.

Had dinner with Stephen tonight and feel re-assured and settled in our friendship. It is going good places and he explained the talk we had on Wednesday. I was hurt and confused this week, as I felt I had done something wrong or jacked things up? This was not the case. He was pulling back from many relationships and not reading the situations well. I told him to take as much time as he needed and the space would be there. We speak truth to each other and bring positive things into each others lives. With out being complicated, things are great there. Peace reins and contact is good. Now maybe my stomach will unclench. I was scared of losing a friend and it made me re-examine my feelings for him and all my friends.

I need some accountability and he challenged me to seek some help for the issues and struggles I am facing. There is some darkness in me, a pall from the past and it is always bleeding through, even at my best and brightest times. I didn't even realize some of this, until he pointed it out. What to do about all of that? I will need some time to consider it.

I am happy and ready for the weekend! Tomorrow morning is 2nd Saturdays and we will be meeting at the church in the morning to work and volunteer in the community. I am excited! Good things are happening!