Embrace now...walk from tomorrow.

It is odd how some mind pictures and things fade with time, while other memories and emotional markers remain with us? The things and past dreams we hold on to are sometimes still holding on to me. Gone relationships, like once worn familiar sweaters seem to stack gently in the chest of cedar times.

Last evening found me living space and time with someone I once cared for deeply in my past. Life shared was time traveled. We are not the same carefree, toothsome boys that once bounced through days together, but more sober, graceful men who have felt life catch us in its strong embrace.

Lessons have been learned and yet still the pull and longing for what once was? Is it possible to still love and yet leave? What we had is not now. I cannot rebuild what another One has torn down, though I still long to try?

Knowing that the trying of my faith worketh patience is one thing to consider, but altogether another reality to live out. I now am, what I have become, but something inside of me yearns for days past and shared warmth. It is this struggle, this very fight inside of me that keeps me going. I will not walk the old ways. I cannot re-capture what once was. I can't take fire inside of my flannel shirt and not get burned.

But yet, I still miss him. I miss our us. Will this singularity always be?

Wistful new and old...memories

It's the strangest feeling

to be anchored to a ship so far away

Sweet and deep and close and then

Bland and empty and uncomfortable.

Pathetic and below me, then

He is mine and I feel kind again

It's a small thing, a trinket brought by train

Too few words and too many...

It's I-love-you and Me-too and I-miss-you and I-know

It's the initial dance of the less-than-intimate yet

Today indelible and strong

Tomorrow, forced--then gone.

WaterFire and Fall

It has been more than a few days since I put some words out there. Life and its rhythms have been changing in many ways and I am learning much about myself and how I view things.

There has been much guilt that I have been carrying about my past...I am releasing it.

Confusion at times is my lack of processing information correctly from people. No information is just that...no input. The stories I tell myself to satisfy that eternal "why" in my head are being put to sleep and rest finally. Life is.

Had an awesome time last night at WaterFire. Wandering the streets and taking it all in. Some familiar faces were seen, but for the most part I spent time listening to the haunting music and watching the faces and pets of strangers. So many people, intense energy and the sense of being part of the wonder that is life. Each year this ushers in a new Autumns and seems to settle and prepare me for the holidays. I love this time of year.

I bought two new journals last night to fill, but hope that the words I put there daily will not slow my progress on this blog. I still have yet to find my voice, but am learning to not self censor. All the ideas and thoughts deserve to see the light of day. It is when they are examined later that I often learn of myself.

Being single in life has such a different feel. I keep reaching out to share with someone who is not there. Will this be my part in life, near but not with? I don't feel alone, but I definitely feel singular. What am I still looking for? I know I am searching...I feel it.

Sex, Coffee and Conversation

Eh...before you get all worked up, I didn't have any sex today, with friends or strangers, but it was on my mind and the topic of conversation tonight at my local coffee shop.

Today was pretty uneventful besides the fantastic weather and freakin' awesome time I had driving around the lakes and parks with the top down!

But back to the coffee shop...each afternoon and night, I tend to swing by and spend a bit of time just taking it all in. This local haunt has been with me since my teenage days and holds alot of memories and energy in my life. Each momentous occasion on my journey can always be linked to a visit and so many journal entries have been penned there over the years. This was actually the place I met Melissa, first heard and listened to the Gospel and got started in this new journey! Man...I love that place, but I am wandering.

I've been switching it up a little lately, from my usual quad espresso and iced tea, so it keeps throwing the guys and girls off when I show up, but change is good right? After I settled in on the patio, I started listening to tonight's convo and ended up talking to many new people and some old friends. No matter when you go, there are always the usuals around, and believe me, some of these guys and girls have been around the coffee shop as long as I have. Some of us even go back to the Planet Cafe days! (another local coffee shop I grew up in, gay owned operated...RIP...now closed...grrrrrr)

Oh...and FC was there...hmmm ( guy I have had a crush on since I was 16 yo, only have had the courage to talk to him once in life...only guy that has ever affected me like that, we always cross paths, share space, but we have a comfortable silence, and yes, this has been going on for years...literally)

Tonight was about relationships, love, sex, diversity...pretty par for the course, but I payed attention more, instead of throwing my ideas out there first. I am single right now, which is really odd for me, having been in a relationship of some type since I was 11 yo. Listening I realized, everybody wants the same stuff. To be loved, needed, nurtured, protected, valued, trusted, shared, touched, enjoyed. We are not meant to be alone. God said...it was not good that man was alone, and I agree with Him! We are relational beings, and are meant to share this life with someone else on an intimate and daily level.

So about sex, we got around to that, and I love having frank and open conversations with people who are educated and experienced in life. But the only thing different in each person's conversation were the pronouns. He or She...those are your options. Now you can compound this or complicate it any way you want...but the choice is the same. What's your flavor? Sex is sex, love is love, it is all the same. Two humans are involved...well at least two...ya freaks! We just relate and love differently. There is so much diversity in hetero relationships. Is it too much to ask for some openness and tolerance with us homo's?

I had a great drive home thinking about it all. The input, the opinions and believe me, there were some opinions! I get tired of having to "prove" that I am gay. So I don't fit your idea of a gay man! Get over it...especially you chicks! Anyway...life is good and tomorrow looks to be another kick ass day!

Special thanks for the emails and comments I have received here. Input is always needed and appreciated. Later all...

Hmmm...

Somehow I have stayed up all night reading other guys thoughts and opinions about being gay and being a Christian. Alot of different ideas out there...

I wonder why I don't have deep thoughts about all of these ideas, theology and politics like they do? They certainly seem well informed, or at least vocal.

I don't know what I think or believe about all of that. I know how I have lived in the past, and how I am living now, but I am not sure how that relates to what I believe. What am I? Who am I? I guess I am missing a part of my identity or at least have kind of shut it down. I haven't dated another guy for 4 years. Am I misguided, uninformed or just completely wrong?

This is certainly crude thinking I suppose, but better now than never? I guess I don't have all the words I need right now to explain it all. I guess it is good that no one reads this except me. I don't want this blog to be just about my confusion and journey about this, but it certainly seems to be in thoughts lately and I don't think I will get any peace until it is put to rest.

Analyzing

Got done with my class this morning and went to the store. Picked up a few things I needed and am contemplating going to the Westport Art Show. Maybe will call Stephen later and see if he wants to go as well.

Missed the 10th Anniversary thing at the church today. Really wanted to be there to help out and spend time with some people, but too many schedule conflicts. Also missed my car club meeting and road trip as well, but that's the price for making foolish decisions. This lesson I am learning sure does suck, but maybe it will stick this time. My skull seems to be pretty thick. Thinking about it today, I realized that I have totaled 5 different amazing cars since I turned 16. Grrrrrr...

I wrote about six pages in the last two days while at class, and much of it seemed to revolve around Blake. To be so strongly attracted to someone radically different than me? I seemed to keep returning to him while musing and journaling, and spent too much time looking at him. At least it didn't hurt my test scores. I am not sure what drew me to him so powerfully. Sure, I understand the physical attraction there, he's a great looking guy. Slender and muscled, golden tan, dark curly close cropped hair and chiseled features. Wow, I can still see him in my head. Strong but graceful hands and beautiful sculpted legs...hmmm And he was shorter than me as well. Yep, definitely my type.

There was some other quality that acted as a beacon, a magnet, for my attention. I wanted to really know who he was. What he thought? What was behind those dark and curious eyes? Usually some morning scruff and intricate tattoos aren't my thing, but he had a presence and charisma around him of strength, intelligence and masculinity. Something in him, called to something deep in me.

The thing that stayed with me, was a moment in class when we locked eyes. I was simply looking up when he stretched when it happened. He simply placed his arms back on the table and looked directly at me. He had a very honest and naked look in his eyes, and simply looked at me looking at him. The communication there took me off guard and was intense. What happened just then? We were both comfortable just looking, staring really. Most of the time, when eye contact is made between strangers, one or both quickly avert their eyes to relieve some kind of pressure. We did not. We both just looked till we were done. What did that mean?

I keep wondering if there was something in him, that I feel I am lacking, or something similar to us both that I was detecting? Was I drawn to him from a void in my life, or moving towards him due to an undetectable shared trait? That attraction was not just physical, like it normally can be, something that eventually passes, or is of no surprise to me. This is something that I will be thinking on for some time, as I have not had that feeling for many guys in my life. That something more... the unknown. What happened there?