Finally home...Ahhh

Today woke early, with the sound of music from the stereo alarm (thank God for Bang Olufsen) and gentle snuffles from the coffee machine obeying the setting that I programmed the night previous. It was 5 am. I rolled over and placed my feet on the floor and slowly booted up the brain and got my body in motion. A long shower and all my morning ritual and patterns done, found me clad and out the door to a cool, crisp morning. I love those early morning drives into the city, when it has yet to waken to another Saturday. Everything seems so clean, bright and possible.

My early start was due to the fact that this morning was our Men's Breakfast at my church. Our community of guys gets together each month and has a meal together or some kind of activity to share space, time and life with each other as a group of males. This isn't some kind of stuffy activity, but truly a place where we can open up and love on each other, bear burdens, talk through life, argue sports, and generally be ourselves without the constraints of prying eyes, listening ears or preconceived ideas of who we "should be". It is a safe place where we can be who we "could be", daring each other to dream, and the reality of who we actually are.

Couple of cars and trucks in the lot when I rolled in and found my space and rumbled down the back stairs to the kitchen. It was already warm and cozy as the ovens heated up and I wandered into Banner Hall to find our usual group slowly setting up and waking up to another morning where a part of each of us would still like to be in our beds, fast asleep. We are all creatures of habit, but most of all, men are pretty much creatures. It is in these safe places called home, or community, where one can actually see what animals we truly are. Not in just a wild beast sense (though we are that at times when riled our aroused) but in a sincere, face searching, self scratching, slightly musky, stubbled sort of way.

We got the hall set up with our abstract patterns of tables and chair and awaited David to show up with the groceries. This is one of my favorite times when we all gather in the huge kitchen and take our places to cook and prepare food for all the guys who will be showing up in an hour or so. We few, we happy few, we band of unshaven brothers get the chance to serve our tribe with the simple work of our hands. Someone cranks up the tunes, we start eagerly pounding the first coffee of the day and here we go!

This mornings grub is from Trader Vic's, thanks to David our local business man who brought them here to KC, and we had some wicked bad food for a bunch of guys. Garreth from Melbourne proved quite handy in making fresh blueberry and strawberry compote to enjoy on the pancakes. He was a chef in Australia, Paris and London before making his was here to the states and I so love talking to him about all his adventures. That accent, his genuine warmth has made him near and dear to our hearts here at the Well...plus the dude can cook! New and old faces working together to get shyte done! It smelled soooooo good. :)

Wow...some serious grubbing was going on. Everyone showed up and we sat to eating with a will. Got to talk to Steven J. this morning which was nice. Had not had much time with him since the Pilgrimage and it was great to catch up on life and times. All too often we let people slip away from us just because of our schedules and self-absorption. Met some new guys and had a awesome time sharing testimony and finding out more life behind all the faces I know. We have such a close knit group and we all know it and are thankful for this place we have to come know and be known.

After everyone had kind of kicked back and circled up, Maston opened us in prayer and brought us up to date on events coming up. Looks like we will be out at Wild Bill's again soon for a date with the VIP room and Bodacious the Mechanical Bull! Yahoo! :) April will bring our Man Stuff Retreat and we will be out at Tall Oaks for 3 days and nights of camping, cabins and campfires. Sounds like it's going to be an freakin' cool and special time. Plus...dude...we're going to have FIRE!

David brought us on topic for our discussion and dialogue and read from Romans 6. Powerful stuff! Yep...it's all about freedom. We all broke up into smaller groups and really had some candid talks about these verses, their meaning and implication in our lives and how and where we were at, what we were facing, doubts and fears, confessions and just loving on each other in our own simple, quiet ways. I was asked to share some of my testimony to my group, new guys to me, and I spoke plainly of my faith and what it meant to me today. Their experiences and perspective are familiar in ways, so foreign in others. Some struggles I am facing and where and how I hope to be. It was such an encouragement to be heard and seen. The simple acceptance of being from guys so different, and yet the same, spoke strength and love to my soul. This is the brotherhood of men, the healthy love and touch of peers and something my heart craves deeply and remembers fondly from the Navy and old school mates. I have a place and I am known, loved, challenged and sought after. It is here I can love back and share life with others just like me in this walk of faith and life. We come from all points to meet here. In some way, these gatherings help me to understand David in the Bible and his might men. It is my tribe, my pack, my community I never thought I would have when I left my old one.

God provides.

Belonging. It is such a powerful thing.

After our group talks we all packed together again to share in community what we had learned, saw thought and felt about this passage and our conversations with each other and something very unique and a bit awe inspiring happened.

When the floor was opened to talk...no one spoke.

The first few minutes appeared like an uneasy silence as all those present waited for the first alphas to speak up, but soon that vacancy of sound became simple, content smiles and eye contact.

We were content to sit in silence, all 40 or so of us and simply wait.

Togetherness.

Peace.

Trust.

This was so powerful. It was naked. It was raw. It was tangible and visceral.

We just were present and being in that single moment.

Each of us could see and witness the magnitude of what was occurring of us simply being there.

Be still and know that I am God.

I believe that is what happened.

Talk about being moved.

And then the moment, as softly as it came had passed. You could feel the shift in the air and in your body as we collectively soul sighed and prepared ourselves to speak and listen.

There had been silence for the space of many minutes. But so much was spoken in those moments.

Finally someone spoke quietly, recognized the enormity of what had just happened and then those who felt led to speak shared their thoughts corporately. I talked simply of my bondage and my challenge to freedom in areas that I felt most chained. Easy words but heartfelt and authentic shared with those who gave witness to my life.

I am so blessed.

After we wrapped up, I stayed around a bit to talk to some of my new and old friends and we got the place cleaned up and in order. Dylan and Garreth manned the sinks while we all pitched in to restore the place to wholeness. Had an awesome talk with new friends while we worked and got a few good book recommends as well as encouragement and love. In the end...it looked as if we had never been there at all.

And who says men are worthless around the house? :)

After alot of good hugs and words we parted ways and I resumed my busy day. Work filled the hours and then in the evening I had a visitor.

Michael came by to see me. He and Fallon(the doggie) were out on the Country Club Plaza and they dropped in to say hello and take a break with me.

I won't lie. It was so good to see him.

We walked around and talked, Kind of caught up on life and the days we had missed. Easy laughter and smiles. Time shared and then it was time for me to get back to work.

He came in for awhile and met some of my guys and then all too soon was gone, but he asked me to call when I got off of work.

Tonight we just grabbed some take out and sacked out on the couch, all three of us, and watched movies and grubbed. We went outside for a bit, keeping each other warm on the deck swing , sitting in the moonlight and I pointed out the constellations of our late winters sky over his shoulder till he could pick them out, one by one.

I am content with what we have and where we are.

Around 11 pm I could tell he was tired and still wasn't quite over this little bug he has had all week, so we took a walk with Fallon and then I slipped out to come back home. The drive home was so peaceful, listening to new music under a full moon and clear starry skies.

We are changing, him and I.

But I don't have the language for it.

And now I sit here, writing away, till soon it is my bedtime as well.

Sleep tight kiddos and may all your prayers be heard and answered. Peace and love to you all.

Amen

Reflections on this week...

What an amazing span of time to not only grasp in my head and heart, but somehow share here. As I sit here after a fantastic meal at the end of another long day, contemplating an evening off and the coming weekend, I have peace. It has been some time since this boy's thoughts found a simple rhythm and pattern that fit well into a smile when I think of my life.

Sometimes one never knows the stress and burden we carry until, little by little, like tiny grains of sand trickling away, it lightens...and then suddenly the weight shifts drastically and it falls away and we emerge into the gleaming sunlight to smile, stretch till our joints pop, throw your arms up over your head to the sky and yawn hard. Then your legs start to tremble and your knees almost buckle cause you're flexing them so hard and your morning wood just about makes you fall over and come at the same time, cause it feels good poking hard against your jockeys and you let out a tremendous sigh, yawn and roar and think," Wow! I feel freaking awesome! I love my life...and I...kick...ass!" It's almost like passing out cause it all just feels so good to be alive! And that is when you realize...there is nothing that could make this moment any better at all.

Ever get that feeling?

Has it been lately? :)

So yeah...life is getting better. I almost titled this post "Relaxed and Horny" cause it was the first thing that popped into my head, but I really didn't think that set the tone for what I want to say here today. So yes, while I am relaxed and yes, I am always horny...I will set those thoughts aside and try to share what an amazing journey these last weeks have been for me. Don't worry kiddos...I've got my dungarees on. So let me kick back in this comfy chair and talk a bit...

So the last two days have been great, not in some kind of earth shattering, amazing events happening and planned sort of way, but more a simple succession of good choices and fearless ideas coming together to shape how I feel about me and those around me. It is kind of like waking up after a long hard sleep, unsure of where and when you are, and pausing blearily in the mirror, one hand rubbing your hair and sleep out of your eyes and the other lazily playing with that little trail of hair on your tummy. And the suddenly...whoosh! You realize, hello morning, hello me...let's go have some fun! This is what it is all about! Oh yeah...I love me! Yippppeeee!!!!

Yeah like that...when nothing was on your mind 'cept Saturday morning cartoons, a bowl of Cap'n Crunch and then playing outside all day with your friends at the lake...that kind of giddy, childlike glee that only comes when all is well with your soul.

Life is changing, spring is coming, the sap is rising and things are good.

With family there is peace and an open communication about what is happening with me right now. Dad and Mom's health is great and I am loving the time that I get to spend with them now that I live here in the same city. It is so good to catch up on all those years that I was lost in myself, focused on others and then gone in school and the Navy. We are learning all over again who we are, who we were and what we are going to be. So thankful for these precious times...so many people never get a second chance. My Dad has become such a close friend and Mom...well....she is just Mom. The rock of our family.

Career is going well and new doors are opening each and every day! Exciting news on the horizon, but I don't want to speak out of turn yet. Suffice it to say, some change is coming and I am soooo freakin' excited about it! I am not quite sure at times how to handle all this success? I am so blessed and deserve none of it...but God is good to me for some reason. I realize that with all this opportunity and abundance comes a responsibility to make wise choices. Who knows what the future holds right now?

Church, friends and community is being built into my life and I am so rich when it comes to relationships. Since when do people like me for me? It is amazing what a sincere life, lived authentically can do and how it impacts people in a real way. If you are living some kind of lie or facade for others...do your self a favor and them a turn. Be you. You might be surprised what it will take you.

So today, winding roads, bright sun and long drives around the lakes and streets of this place I call home. Took a long nap and woke up for an evening of my choosing. Got the oil changed and the car of the day is gleaming. I so love a clean car! Bought a new CD last night of a group called United Hillsong and have been rocking out to some new tunes all day. Talked to Michael this afternoon and he is doing much better. It was good to hear the smile and joy back in his voice! That dude makes me so happy! I only want to make his life full of good things.

So tonight, what is up? Not sure yet. The phone is vibrating and I'm ignoring it while I sit here and write. I am sure plans are afoot, but I am going to make good choices and do what I know is right instead of just following my nose into the city. Tomorrow morning is the Mens Breakfast and I have to be up bright and early to help cook for that. Then work all day for the 90th Anniversary Party of EB. That is going to be a blast! But I guess I won't get to lounge in bed in the sun just talking and dozing.

Hmm...so I just realized I managed to ramble here alot and never get around to telling you guys what has been up. Guess I will save that for later tonight or a spot tomorrow when I get to pause. Just know this. I am doing good and life is well. I hope where ever you are, when ever you read this, that someone somehow loves you and you can smile, knowing that yes...it is all going to be all right.

Ciao for now!

Wow...

Peace in the Whirlwind

Early morning hours always find me awake and seem to sharpen with clarity the unprocessed thoughts and jetsam of the previous day. I remember times growing up where, after 24 hours of sleep deprivation, my mind would suddenly shift into high gear and I used to love those wee time episodes of thought. (wee morning hours...not wee thoughts, silly)

Not exactly what is happening here, but I will put some words down to track the events of the last few days. Many things on my mind, but WOW, first off...thankful for friends.

Stephen: so good to see you tonight! While our schedules don't seem to click in the winter like they do in the summer, your smile and pounce hug always make me laugh and grin like an idiot. I swear you learned that from Calvin and Hobbes! Much love and peace to you. It is so good to see that light back in your eyes again. Gone is that tormented haunted stare that never left you and you have your old joy back. You are beautiful and loved!

David: for spending so many hours listening, talking and helping me understand myself and how I relate to the world around me and introducing me to the idea that there are other stellar coffee shops in Kansas City, besides the Broadway Cafe ( I know practically blasphemy!) you have my love and gratitude. Little did I know that spilling my guts a few times would lead to a new friendship. You are one powerful and amazing guy, and where are you hiding all those brains at?

Eric: you keep asking the tough questions and are making me examine my choices in light of more than this space and place. How does one so young, see so far ahead? I appreciate your concern and discernment in keeping me safe as well as the others around me. Thanks for all the prayer and thoughts this week as I wrestled with life choices. I really did not like you at all when we met, but now...you're good on my books! But then you know I can be a stubborn dick. :) I am looking forward to building more with you and all the guys. Thanks for leading us!

Craig: for giving a damn about me for so many years. Who ever thought that soccer would bring people together to a place where eternity matters. I swear that day I was just going to grab some coffee and run but look what it ended as! I will keep you posted on events and thanks for coming down from CO just to see me! j/k dude...but yeah, I'm thinking that was divine appointment. Oh...and the book...see what's happening now? :)


Dave: for always answering your phone and praying with me when I just need a level head and listening ear. I know we are worlds apart in differences, but we somehow meet in the middle and share space and life. Thank you for opening up your home and family to all of us and making us feel at home and welcomed. You truly are the definition of community lived out towards all of us in the group. Thank you too for listening when it wasn't easy and accepting someone into your tribe who is just a bit different! We both hunt...so I can't be that bad! Your respect and admiration means so much to me as another man. Love to you and yours.


Steven: you have been there when I needed it. Late night talks, mid-Super Bowl game panics, crazy random texts and answers, always pointing, continually showing me the way back to the light. Never taking bullshit or smoke for an answer, you challenge me to seek truth in every area of my life. Thanks for cutting me some slack when I need it, but also pushing me to grow in other spots that would be easy to ignore. You are an example and inspiration of what a person, sold out and surrendered, can be. I don't have enough words of thanks for the jams you've helped me out of. You rock...oh, and yeah, I'm late with my questions and answers again. Watch out...I'll yell at you...I KNOW YOU ARE A SENSITIVE PERSON! :)


Thom: thank you for your words, your writing, insight and wisdom that you place before me to consider each time you record thoughts. You share so much, have suffered loss at the hands of others and continue to love strangers. Thanks for not judging me harshly and always pointing out reality and truth in the face of self delusion or pride. You are a warrior in this battle. Never, ever, give up!


Matt: Thank you for the awesome new music, all the late night talks and just always, always listening to me. I know I talk alot and it can be really random at times. (okay...all the time). Thank you for hanging in there with me and never making me feel stupid for some of the crazy jams I get myself in. Your love and zeal for others and God puts me to shame at times. You are being used daily in others lives and will continue to be used greatly as long as you can keep Him first in all things. You might be my little brother, but I can say proudly, that I look up to you. Thank you for knowing when to say what, when to hold your peace, and for sharing your life with me. For not judging me and making me feel shame, you show a forgiveness and compassion that is rare among men. You are a true friend. You preach with your life and praise with your music. We need more guys like you around. Love ya!

Michael: You know where I am at...

Uh...I'm really tired now, so I'll pick up with this in the morning. I have alot on my mind and its going to be a long, rambling ride, so bear with me. Much has been going on and is afoot. But I am seeing good things. Got to change the oil in the morning and take a drive around the lake if the weather is nice. Got a new CD to listen to and am excited about two whole days off of all the jobs!

Free time...I remember you!

G'nite...even if just for awhile.

Now where are my jammies at?

News on life later...tonight.

New Artist!

Just found a new artist! Thanks to a fellow blogger who included a drawing of his into one of his posts this last week.

http://www.joephillips.com

Check out his stuff! He's got some talent and skillz. I am sure that the future will be kind to him as he explores his craft.

PS: Warning...some of his art work features material and scenes which may be offensive to some readers. He simply draws guys the way he sees them. Guys being guys, with guys. If you are offended by nudity (even in artwork formats) then skip this one. Thanks.

Monday and Happy

Strange huh, I know...but Monday finds me doing awesome and loving life. I guess that is what the peace of God can do for us when we just fall back, without a second look and rest in His arms. Sitting here in the sunlight and simply happy to be alive and well in this place I call home. The snow is brilliant and the small animals are scurrying around, frantically getting ready for spring. I can hardly wait for the first signs of green!

Last night was good. Had a dinner party at Blanc Burger and Bottles with all my friends from work. We did business for 45 minutes so the company would pick up the tab (thanks EB) and then spent the night simply talking, hanging out, sampling way too much good food and drink as well as singing with strangers! I appreciate that the people I work with daily, love me and understand where I am coming from, in all of my oddness at times. What a kick ass group of guys and girls!

So today is a day off, full of promise and hope. I know I'll head into the city and grab some coffee at the Broadway Cafe, maybe take some photos today, do some sketching, catch the newest exhibit at the Nelson-Atkins Museum of Art, then dinner tonight with Michael? We shall see...our schedules have not been clicking this week at all and I miss my time with him.

I have shrugged off the slight that was handed me by that Christian group and processed through the pain and grief that was there. Upside down in my head is how I feel right now, but I am okay with that? Those people are NOT God, nor are they correct that I will not find the answers I am looking for. I cannot let my circumstances control my attitude. I will keep seeking truth. I want to follow Christ. I do not know what that will look like, but I am willing and able to keep it up, continue searching and not falter when others shake my faith or cause me to doubt the reality of God and His amazing love.


Approval for my sin....NOT what I am looking for.

Acceptance of my current state and need and help with change to come...this is what I will find.

I will it so.

So yeah...life is going on. I've got a smile on my face, a song in my heart, a cool new stocking cap on my head and my favorite kicks on. Bring it on world! God's got my back! :)


PS: Really freakin' horny today...so would appreciate some prayers about being good(ie leaving my body alone). I want to control my body, not it control me. For too long it has been in charge. I am saying "NO" for once...even when "YES" feels alot better. I can do this! Maybe I will be doing better after a hard work out. I'm thinking cardio and some free weights today. I tend to think alot more clearly once I pump out a hard set and tell my body "NO". Suck it up!

When the Church says "Go Away"?

Last night was an adventure to say the least, and I sit here with a clear head, watching the snow fall lightly on cat's feet and trying to put some words together about how I feel and make sense of the confusion that others have handed to me on this path.

I went to Pure Heart last night for the first session and was really seeking some answers about the struggle I am currently going through as a Christian with my sexuality and the conflict of relationship with Jesus and relating to Michael and other guys. I wanted truth, a safe place to open up and share, take in input and seek God's face and His Word to find some more peace.

The main session where Tom and others talked and shared testimony was amazing. Hearing so many different stories and sagas of people coming from pain to the foot of the Cross and the love, hope and healing that God offers and was accepted. Each of the group leaders spent a bit of time sharing their testimony and then we broke up into small groups and went to discuss the teaching, tell our stories and pray.

I ended up in a group with 5 other guys and we all sat down in our room and simply started sharing out testimonies and life stories of how we found Christ and what we were attending this 8 week class for. Each of the guys spoke and I was 3rd in the lineup. Our group leader was a guy from CA who seemed sincere...but rather curt. The other guys had all kinds of past, each a unique story that dealt from everything such as child abuse, drugs, homosexuality, pornography addictions, alcohol, broken homes...anything that wreaks pain and confusion in a man at different times in life. We all came to the table with questions, but I could tell as these other young guys spoke that they seemed to have it all together, not a care in the world, as if all of these problems were something in their past and that they were free from any kind of worry or problem.

Why were people this good even at a place like this? They didn't have any problems...or at least you would think that from listening to them and watching their smiling faces. They simply related facts and really seemed to bond with each other over the sharing.

My humble opinion, built by observation and experience?

They were a bunch of other pretty gay guys who wanted to go through the motions of finding truth, talk more about their lives than seek answers and simply sit and flirt with each other, maybe in hopes of finding a boyfriend in the church. But all very hush, hush, under the table, weird Christian denial or reality style. Just my take on it...I may very well be wrong. But there was some kind of meat market vibe...just Jesus style?

I dunno...

When it came time for me to talk, I plainly told a bit of my life story, my testimony, my past in private school, university and the Navy. I related that I was involved in a community at church and was seeking answers from God and the Bible about how to deal with and make some decisions about this relationship I found myself in. How do I pursue God above all else? What does God want from me? I had a few tears and was open to sharing. I was honest. Here is my life and heart. This is why I am here.

We ended in prayer and I went home in the rain with much on my mind.

Once home I was settling in and getting ready to make a late dinner. How do I go through these days without remembering to eat?

Then the group leader called and proceeded to really confuse me. He had much on his mind and could not find the words to say what seemed to be looming over him. But the simple gist was this.


This is not the place for you. You are not good enough to be here. All these other people are really seeking God and you are not. Maybe you should look for answers somewhere else... As long as it is not here.

I tried to ask questions to figure out where he was coming from, or maybe something I said that offended him and he still could not say what he was trying to say. I picked up the vibe though...you are gay.


Get out. God is not for people like you.

We got done talking, if you can call it that, and decided to meet with the head of the ministry this week and talk some things out. Tom is the one who invited me to be here. This is the guy who wrote the book, teaches the classes and heads up this ministry. He knows my story, in much more detail than this other guy. Will he kick me out too?

What do I do when the Church says, "Go Away"?

When they say, fix your problems first then seek Jesus?

When they lie about themselves and ask me to lie too?

My heart is very heavy today.

I'm Forgiven!

Just wanted to share this song this morning as I started my day. Wow...just WOW!

Wow! Good Morning! :)

It is amazing what a few days of good rest, correct nutrition and hydration can do for ones body! I feel fan-freaking-tastic...if that is a word.

Or maybe this is how I always feel and I kind of forgot over the last few days of being under the weather? (and where did we come up with that phrase? we all live on the ground...so we are all, always under the weather...I dunno? English...not just the language of idiots and fools!)

But moving along...my week has now begun in earnest and I am glad to report that I feel fine. I did not think that would be the case considering how I felt when I snuggled into bed at 8:30 pm last night. (I know, really early!) But I think some prayers on a few folks parts certainly helped. Thanks for the talk Steven...your call was very well timed, if you know what I mean. Thanks for not hating on me and always speaking truth into my life.

So...today is work and friends, or working with friends...in short my easy job...later in the week, not so much. I had a thought while taking a leak that I am really not up in anyone else's business. Meaning, I tend to take care of myself, mind my own life and not get too concerned about what other people are doing, or the choices they are making.

Don't get me wrong, it is not that I do not care for others, or worry at times by the things they chose to do, but I am simply resigned to the fact that we all have a life to live, a death we owe, and the journey we take is our own. We will all be held accountable for ourselves and our actions...not some other persons.

But what responsibility do I have for my brothers? I keep hearing people talk that my life influences others and that the choices and stand (or lack there of) for truth always has an impact, and while I do not negate this idea, I wonder at its validity. People chose daily whom to follow. That is their decision. How am I held accountable or censured due to their weak wills, simple minds or foolish choices?

I know that I lead.

I know that people follow me.

This has been a fact since elementary school in my life.

But at what point do I take responsibility for those who follow me, those who look to me for guidance, those who make choices based on what I say?

That is a sobering thought.

Am I my brothers keeper?


Well its time to hit the shower and get me around some coffee! This day isn't going to live itself, and sitting here shivering in boxers and a t-shirt certainly woke this guy up!

I certainly have some thinking to do about all that.

There are two freedoms; The false, where man is free to do what he likes; The true, where man is free to do what he ought.

Monday Snow

Woke up really early today after so much sleep with nothing much on my mind except the fact that I feel much better in my body. Yesterday was an odd day, due to the fact that I felt a bit under the weather. This was strange in itself, as I typically feel pretty awesome everyday. I think the events of the last couple months finally caught up with me physically and I just needed a break.

Sunday morning came bright and I ran through my morning routine without much of a hiccup. Almost stripped down and went back to bed before church, but knew that I needed to hear and see some good things so managed to keep going. Morning drive into the city was uneventful and hit the Broadway Cafe for my morning Joe. It seems that the colder weather not only packs that place, but also slows the workers down to an excruciating crawl. I finally ditched the idea of an espresso and settled for two cups of iced coffee and beat feet to church.

The message was awesome, from Luke 5:1-11 and dealt with our response to Jesus when he teaches and then blesses us. What am I willing to walk away from in order to follow him.

I felt like crap physically after service so dropped David off, said goodbye to Stephen (who was heading to Granite City with a buddy) after he pounced on me and made my way back home to the comfort of my bed for a much needed nap and rest. Is this what sick feels like? I really don't remember...

Woke up this morning refreshed and a whole day off of work! I think we may be getting together for lunch today, just depends on schedule and the weather. The friends got snowed in back in Atlanta so Michael is a bit bummed at missing time with them. I guess it was not meant to be right now. Hopefully they can come up, once the weather breaks and Spring is in the air?

Wow...more snow this morning. This boy is seriously getting sick of winter! I miss top down driving, shorts and warm sun. Will this pattern of weather ever break? I guess I am just rady for some green growing and blue skies. Grrrrr...

So I have read all the comments from days past and am processing all the input that seems to be pouring into my life and I had some thoughts on it, but am not ready to really share yet. Suffice it to say, those ideas that I am clinging to urge me to press into God and His word. To seek His face and KNOW what He has in store for me. I cannot change my beliefs to match my life. I must change my life to match my faith. This may not be the answer for all, but for me it seems the most logical and peaceful course of action, though it may not be an easy road to walk. Where this leaves me is at a fork in the road, when I least wanted or expected it.

In other news, besides the whole boyfriend thing, life is going well. Many different projects are lining up well and I am on my way to the success I have been pursuing these last few months. I cannot wait to see what this year has in store, as I keep making simple decisions that bring good things to me. This is blessing that I do not deserve. Looks like I am going to get to travel again and see more of the world than I though possible. I wonder where those paths will take me. Who am I going to meet? What life changing views and events will mold and shape me. I have always been happier when moving. Such is the life of a modern day nomad...

I think that I might just pack up and head to the shooting range this morning and blow off some steam punching holes in paper. Plus it has been a few weeks...don't want to get rusty. Might give Peter a call, he's been wanting to go with me and learn a few things.

So that's my Monday so far. Sipping coffee...watching snow fall and pondering this thing we call life. Peace to you all!



PS: I told you I didn't have alot on my mind. More to follow later. Promise.

A man in conflict

What do you do, when your faith does not match your practice? When what you believe in your heart and head is not in symmetry or in line with what you actually live? That place where you are torn right down the middle? The rough spot in your road? That fork between, the disconnect?

That is where I am at this morning.

I "know" what is right, by others standards. The things that they tell me.

But...

I also know how I feel and am.

Is this how David felt about Jonathan? Or Paul about Timothy? I doubt it, but I am searching for a parallel line in my life. Something to hang my heart on. I think that I must love "me" more than Him.

I cannot be less than myself. Each day I am bringing myself and my expression closer together, Self-actualization is not easy or simple.

But...

My life is matching my being.

This is who I am.

This is what I do.

Is it time for a change?

Waiting for Dawn

Up way too late, sitting here, feet up listening to Enya sing "Only Time" into my ears from the headphones that have kept me company since you went to bed. Today will be another 24 hours like the last, but completely different. Yesterday was filled with work and activity. The evening brought shared space and time with a guy I truly care about.

Running around town searching for that movie that you just had to have for the weekend. How many places did we go? Problem solved man! That is just what I do. Don't think that I didn't take note of you reaching over and unlocking my car door for me. That means something where I come from.

Simple night after work, just hanging out, watching movies, grabbing some pizza and wings and talking about life. What is going on here? How did we find ourselves at this place? Did this all really start with "hello"? We both know it did. That and you getting me some ice for my hand.

Who are we to each other? Why are we defining the friendship or relationship by the labels that others place on us? What will this weekend hold with your old friends from far away meeting your new friends, me, and this you that you have created here? I know that you are nervous and are really excited...but if they didn't love you, why would they come? You know they love you.

Yesterday, last night and today was filled with good things. I actually did not do or say anything for that 24 hour period of time that brings regret, conviction or guilt. Thanks to both of us for communicating where we are and respecting each others boundaries. Could we really be friends? I think we need to sit and enjoy this space we are at. Definition and time will bring clarity.

Another yawn splits my face and I sense the tired in my body, but also know you are asleep and need your rest. I enjoy your company. Like I said the first time we hung out. You make me smile.

So where comes the conflict?

Are these restrictions or ideas something we are allowing others to place on us? Are our boundaries being set up for self protection or as a way to move more slowly than we were? Are we moving? I would not mind staying right where we are for awhile, though other parts of me reflect some of the desires I see in you. What were we tonight? Who will we be tomorrow? And what will they think about me?

That is what worries me. They know you, your past, your other life and who you were "with". And now, I am going to be measured and judged by criteria that I am not even aware of. How do I measure up? Does their opinion matter so much?

I know that I make you smile too. You are safe with me. I protect and provide . I will take care of you. Seeing you love Fallon shows me that you are a good man. So gentle, so strong.

Dancing in the kitchen is always an option...you know that. I don't even mind when you stand on my feet. Thanks for watching out for me.

For all the simple things.

For looking both ways when I cross the street.

For being on my arm, when I need to support and for showing me new things about the world and myself each and every day.

You know my conflicts and what we both are trying to figure out. How does one re-capture their heart to give yet again when another has claim to it? That is something we are both wrestling with in our own ways. We both know that as humans, as guys, we cannot love two people at once...not the right way.

Thank you for reminding me of this.

Thank you for being here with me.

Thank you for being you, with me.

So what brings the morning? I know that you have to get to the airport and that your house still has a list of things to do and be done. A great time you all are going to have! I will be out of the way and will see you on Saturday when you come in. My phone will always be on, just like you asked.

Call when you need to, if you have to, or even if you just want to. But you know that. :)

I like how your eyes crinkle, slash and gleam when you smile. Your knowing looks. How your hands always capture and hold mine. I am going to shut up now.

I tell you it all, all of the time.

Please understand when I don't know what I am doing. I am searching, as we all are, for that security, that home, that peace, that place.

Thanks for sharing my tears, those deep sighs and strong long hugs. I like what is being built here. Let's do what we can, with what we have, where we are. No more...no less.

I liked this

Grateful and Overwhelmed

Today it was good to get home, strip down, scrub the remains of the day away, put some new linen on the bed and get ready for a good night of sleep. Just sitting here grubbin' a bit while I post, but forgot to eat today. Kind of lived on 4 hours sleep, a quad espresso, tall coffee and a random soda. My body craves some carbs and protein. Where to start?

I do not have the time or space at the moment to throw out all the details, but my coffee and conversation this morning with David (mentor, life coach, friend, elder at my church) somehow turned into 4 hours of deep, profound and revealing conversation and sharing. Wow. Um...I actually spoke to him today candidly about my past, holding nothing back. I spoke words about events that I had always believed I would take to my grave with me. Nothing that I can mention here, but in a coffee shop on Johnson Drive, with no one but a trusted new friend and absent barista boy, somehow my life spilled out of my mouth. If it were not for the questions that he asked, I do not think I would have been able to walk through all of those years.

Abuse, neglect, violence, hate, abandonment, fear, despair, shame, guilt, scars, tears.

Hope, love, sharing, peace, relationships, family, siblings, boyfriends, partners, hope.

From childhood right up to this day, not in delving intricate words, but in wide swaths, laying bare the truth of my life, as sordid and beautiful as it has been at times. What a feeling to be known!

And the things that he shared about formation, design, intention, purpose. I have never had such a candid conversation with a authority and friend in the whole of my life. Somehow trust just happened? Think not...it was God.

And somehow I don't feel ashamed or exposed. I feel peace, to simply know that a trusted confidant, friend and pastor KNOWS me and is going to help me walk where I should be. Why would he care?

So yeah, same page, same story, no secrets, no regrets. Maybe more later as I think and explore those words and thoughts.

After noon...two hours with my Dad...talking about many of the things I spoke with David about. I wonder what made Dad cry? Good times...so tender to share exactly what is on my heart, my fears, my confusion, my questions and answers that I am seeking out. I love you, Dad!

Tonight was chemical lab trials and tests...so many tests...brain dead! Called Michael, pizza and a movie tomorrow night, since the weekend is shot. So many different thoughts about all that now? I was challenged today to be open to the POSSIBILITY that there is change and freedom. I wasn't called to leave relationships, made to suffer shame or humiliation, set apart or condemned for my current state of life, bashed for being confused or hurt for not having the right answer.

I was challenged in love to come to Christ, seek forgiveness and find rest in HIS arms. While I may be dating two guys...only ONE made me.

Kind of puts things in perspective? How He loves us...how He loves me.

Shopped a bit tonight for a down coat and jeans for Dad...he is always so cold in the winter. Got those boxed and wrapped for tomorrow. I hope he loves 'em...just know he will look good in 'em! My heart is full...my mind is empty...my body is tired and I will stretch out and crash now.

Just wanted ya'll to know that love is in the air and peace is being found. It hurts, yes...but it's good. G'nite all and much thanks for prayers. More words later when my brain recovers...this Red Bull kicked my ass!

Sunny Day and Laundry

I really thought I had slept in today, as each time I woke up to the sunshine, I simply rolled over and snuggled back into the bed...but nope! When I finally rolled out of bed it was only 9 am! Guess I do have time to get all my things on the house list done, so am currently taking a break from that to put a few words here.

It is beautiful and sunny here this morning...but bitter cold. While I chatted with a friend and caught up on my news feed, I watching a few lone deer roam about the lake side searching for grub or something. Maybe they just thought the sun felt good too.

Doing laundry now...sexy right? But it is a part of life. I actually enjoy some of the domestic tasks that befall me each week, as it gives time for a pause and think. The smell of fabric softener has always been comforting to me. Reminds me of child hood somehow and the clean smell of home. Next thing to tackle will be the kitchen, not too bad and a once over of all the bathrooms. Michael has friends in from Atlanta this week and they are staying at his place. Sound like some good guys. Hope they like me?

Eh...guess what I have been mulling over is the idea that both of us each have a part of our hearts in different places, given to someone else...and that concept and reality keeps us from truly sharing completely as we should. Parts of my heart belong to God, and while he knows that and senses that, how much can he truly grasp the struggle and pull it is to be with him and with Him all at the same time? We both are surprised at how well this is all going, and while we are not looking for a problem, we also know that we are both thinkers and trying to figure out what this is all about.

I guess I am a house divided, and heart fractured, a guy dating two very different men (God and Michael)...and they are both jealous beasts. When I do give in, it is animalistic and full of raw passion, and he can perceive that the tenderness which I live out is missing in my heart and eyes. Choices to make, but how? We have decided to pause on some things, and simply be where we are at. Nothing anywhere says we have to move forward or back at any time. I dunno what I am trying to say...lol

Well, back to my tasks...will think on this and revisit it in a while...hopefully with some more clarity.

Strange day

Woke up early this morning and put the events yesterday together in my head. Had rushed to church and ended up sitting in the front, next to that one girl who likes me. I did not plan on that, but it was the only spot I could find. She is nice I guess, but way too nosy. Why do females feel the need to ask so many questions? I don't think she understands that I am not interested?

Kind of got cornered by Mary after the service and she wanted to go to lunch sometime this week. She confuses me greatly at times and I can tell that Owen (her husband) is getting kind of nervous about our friendship. I don't think I will find time for her this week, as I have much on my plate and cannot afford to complicate matters even more.

Caught up with David after church and decided to get some coffee this week. I have pretty much laid it on the line with him and let him know what is going on. It does feel good to have some accountability in my life, but I still get nervous when I think about how others must perceive me and my odd state of affairs.

Went to 303 for lunch and hung out with old friends. Gene and Jeffery (owners) were glad to see me and the food was awesome, as usual. The whole gang was there and it was good to spend some time with them and get abreast of all the news I had missed. The day would have went well if I simply had gone home, but ended up out and about and at several Super Bowl parties. Bought a new lighter at Coopers, sleek, black and posh. The guy who works there is so cute and he really hooked my up on a deal. I likes it! :)

So much on my mind and I feel like crap today, but that is prolly due to the fact that I indulged myself way too much yesterday. Called Steven when things started getting out of hand, and he talked me down and out of there. Slept at home, by myself, for a change, and I feel pretty good about that decision. Now if I can just shake this headache and get to feeling better, life will be good. The more things change the more they stay the same.

Got off three times today so far. Can't get away from or rid of this lust. Just so freakin' horny all the time! It is like my whole body is hungry, straining, needing and wanting. Grrr...not good. Just thinking about it gets me going again. It always seems to be at the worst times too. I thought I had a good grip on things (no pun intended) but it seems that as time goes on, I simply need more and more to satisfy myself. Can't get enough I suppose?

I dunno, I just feel really weird today. The body is doing well and looking good, but it feels strange on the inside. Wearing my new glasses around the house today, but still not used to them. They are rather bookish looking, titanium horn rims. They are growing on me. Hmm...I need to shave to, can't seem to get used to the stubbled look, though Michael wears it well. Especially on Saturday mornings...yum!

Working later today, so need to get it all together. Might take a nap. Yeah, that sounds really good. No deep thoughts today, simply surviving again. Everything is going to be all right. I just need to start making some better decisions. Everyone is on the same page now and is aware of my status, with mixed reviews of course. I myself am not sure what I think about it, but am living it out one day at at time.

Had a long talk with Michael on Friday night, and am still processing everything that he told me. We went to dinner on the Plaza and then swung by 303 then back to his house. What an amazing time! It felt good to have him on my arm and simply kiss him on the sidewalk like normal people do. He has so much on his heart at the moment, and I need to be sensitive to all that he is feeling. I am sure it was not easy for him to open up like that. I care so much about him, and only want to see him happy. More on that later, once I get my head and heart wrapped around it. It is good to know that he feels as I do. Happy I am, but tired.

Time to stretch out for a nap, me thinks.

My day...

Woke this morning to the alarm gently nudging me out of sleep with sounds and words. Simply laid there a bit in the sunlight and acclimated myself to the new place and familiar surroundings. I am awake...this is home...oh, yeah! I am Daemon! What is going on here...?

A familiar erection strained up and over the waist band, announcing morning wood and my soon present need to take a leak. But I simply laid there, half covered in cotton and down and waiting for my body to become fully awake. Good morning world...what the hell is going on?

Finally my urgent bladder, coaxed onwards and upwards by my constant water drinkage let me know that NOW...GET UP NOW! Take a piss, ya friggin' idiot! So I rolled over and padded my quiet way to the bathroom. My feet slapped the floor, seeming to echo my lament of another hard dick wasted. Grrr...just don't touch it, or look at it. I think it is mad! I pretty much had to stand on my head to get that thing pointed into the bowl and finally said screw it! I started the shower, full on hot and stepped in as soon as it warmed to my hand touch. Ahhh...relief! So yeah, I piss in the shower. MY shower. Get over it!

After relaxing a bit and scrubbing the sleep and night sweat off of me, I slowly shaved and got my body ready for another day. Not alot of product, but I like a close shave, also in the shower, and re-hydrated my skin. Little deodorant, spray of body wash, face cream, teeth flossed , scrubbed, and mouth wash, Hmmmm...yep! That's me.

I walked on through the bedroom and contemplated what textiles to place on my clean body. Naked felt good, so I skipped the clothes and went on into the kitchen. The timer had started my coffee and I poured a mug and contemplated the morning. Another cold, gray day...hmmm. Coffee is good! After checking the time, I went ahead, slipped on my robe and grabbed the paper. God! That kid has good aim, on the doorstep, every time!

After glancing at the sky and lake, I came back in and began my morning in earnest! Boxers? Nope...briefs today. I can tell just what I need each day. I don't do briefs unless...well I need to contain. And it was a roll it up, put it away, kind of day. It was kind of weird. I didn't jack off in the sun, or the shower. Guess someone else has my full attention, and I kind of like saving those moments for him?

Clad and dressing I moved through my morning, selecting clothing and shoes, wool, denim, leather, cotton, heavy divers watch, stainless steel, silver and tungsten. Kind of an odd mix, but a good one and sure to please the eye and soul. I feel good! "Good morning world!", all of me seemed to say, as the coffee perked me up and I got ready to leave. Just a moment now...sat at the piano and played a bit, Kind of shook the morning fog off and unlimbered the fingers and chops. God! The days when I had to leisure to sit here all day and just play. *sigh, crap, don't be late! Got to have coffee with Justin and discuss the new artwork, possible sculpture for the garden this year?*

Lunch packed, coat on, scarf? Nope. I slipped into the car and took off. Such another morning...though still a bit horny. What's in the stereo? Hmmm...soundtrack to Sex and the City. I can do that!Damn...I love this little beast. Glad I bought it, so much fun and English than the red one...though don't get me wrong. I love him too.

Danced all the way to work...who cares? It's just me!

Work...blah, blah, blah...money...and we're done! Had a good lunch and break. Little sun, a few calls and it was off back to home.

Took a nap...ahhh and woke up hungry and ready for dinner. Oh, crap..it's Thursday. Home group (small group from church, dinner and talking about last weeks message). Slurped some water and vitamins and headed up north. Man the lake looks good today! Can't wait till summer! Woot, Woot! Tan and warm naps, skiing and skinny dipping. Yep...

Home group at the Tuckers. Man, I love this house. Dead animal heads, wood, stone, steel and fire. You can tell that David lives here. So alot of married kids and folk. Talk, talk, talk. Prayer and FOOD! Wow...can they cook?!

Discussed the sermon from Sunday. Heavy stuff. Call to repentance. Makes my head and heart hurt. Read through Psalm 130-142 while ignoring them. David could tell...but amazing stuff to see, feel and read. God! Do you really love me? Or is that just for the good people?!

Snagged a moment to come out to David in his den, amid the guns and stuff. How are we so alike, but so different? He already knew...thanks Mary! :) Let him know about the new class for Pure Heart. Encouraged, loved and numbers exchanged. I love those people and my church. Just had to steer clear of Justin and the other gay guys that they put in our group. I hope good will come of this new found confidence, but I had to pick the most homophobic one...great!

Headed out with intentions to go to IHOP and the prayer room, ended up at the club for just one drink, or two. But glad I was there.

Got tested and a bag full of goodies. Not just the oral swab, mind you, but the full blown panel, blood etc... Kind of weird to fill out that questionnaire again about my "activities" of the last 12 months. Hmmm...2 partners in one year, and one for just a few times. Wow...I sure don't get out much. Guess it was good. Free lube, condoms, a day planner, pens, highlighter and my results in a few days. Wow...so many guys, but they all seem scared of me. Chad says I look like a beautiful, stuck up snob...hmm That makes me sad. I am a nice guy! I just don't need anything. Guess I don't have hungry eyes?

Scared shit less. I know, I am not a man whore...but it only takes one. How well did I know Derek? Is it possible that I don't know Michael all that well? I don't want to screw this one up. I really, really like him. *sigh* I know God, I hear you..but what about my heart?

Drove home on the mist and listened to KLOVE and all the talk of love stories. So sad it was only reserved for str8 guys and gals. I have a love story, a few in fact, but nope. Sod off, ya damn faggot, the church seems to say.

So home, stripped to skivvies, clad in flannel and ouch! My arm hurts where they drew blood. Grrrrr...didn't even stop to piss, though I did warm the oven to cook a snack. And here I am typing away...needing a piss and feeling in my left arm the hurt and ache I felt in my cock and heart this morning.

Guess it's the circle of life.

This should have alot more adjectives...but I really, really need to piss!

Good night!

Date tomorrow night at 7. Dinner out then movie in and a sleep over. Crap, yay, what?!

God help me...






PS: This is the real Daemon. All of the above, but more real. Sorry and thanks!

Uhh...honesty?

Okay kiddos, so here's the deal...

I have done alot of thinking the past few days and realized something.

I have two voices.

The words that I place in my journals (three different ones mind you) are vastly different than those I share on my blog here.

While some of you may protest or argue that I deserve that space and privacy (which I do, of course) I have come to realize through reading a few friends and strangers blogs, that the posts and ideas that most greatly affect me are those that are shared raw, without filters, simply pulled from the rich fertile garden of the mind and then thrown in the copper wash sink to be scrubbed and peeled for dinner.

That being said...I am hoping for a new space here. A place where my real authentic and true self is welcomed. I don't expect much will change initially, but I must have a place to process it all and at least open a bit of myself up to examination and sharing. If I keep sanitizing everything all the time, how will anyone ever get to know me, or at least offer honest insight into what is going on in my life?

So yeah...blunt honesty. (and don't think for a minute that this is going to be some sex filled bullshit fag love story blog either, though that may occur at times) I simply hope and will strive to be my honest, most beautiful self.

Soooooo...here goes!

Wow...

Choked by words

There are so many things on my mind now, but for once, I have a beautiful day to enjoy, and good health, and all the time is mine! Now to fill it with good things, but more on that in a later post. So kiddos, this is how it goes...

I am kind of struggling to find words for all the circumstances and events on my life, but am still going to try to articulate the head space and life place I find myself in.

During the course of my daily activities I read many different threads of input, from the diverse bloggers that I come in contact with, to several newspapers, books and news feeds. All to often I feel my mind is cluttered by so many different channels of input, but since I was a child I desperately hunger for input, any feedback and all that the amazing array of information this world has to offer. I rarely pass judgement on any of it, simply take it all in, process it as it comes to mind and then form my own opinions and ideas based on my reactions and thoughts.

That being said, I still haven't found what I am looking for. I keep seeking for a voice that speaks exactly to that void in my heart and mind, that questioning place that keeps me looking at the stars on cold, clear nights, and eagerly examining the faces of friends and strangers that I encounter each and every day. There are so many questions what fuel my desire for more data, but a few of them are very base and simple. What? Why? Who? You? When? How? Because? Really? Am I okay? Do you love me? Are you him? Is this it? What now?

It is this ever questioning, always questing, interrogative perspective that stimulates my internal intellectual, emotional, physical and spiritual seeking. I want peace. I want love. I want to be accepted. I want to be known. I want to know.

I read a good quote today. It said, "Seek first to understand...then to be understood." All to often I get these roles reversed and I spend to much of my time, breath, words and actions on explaining, showing and demonstrating who I am.

Maybe I need to stop, pause and seek to understand first. They will not care who I am till they know that I care. I think my eyes are turned inward and my own self is blocking the view and coloring the world around me into a confusing place of conflicting opinions and view points.

I have two ears, two eyes...but only one mouth. It is time for me to shut it, and start listening. not merely hearing, but truly absorbing it all and bringing my thoughts, desires and wants into some semblance of order. I never deny myself. I never have.

Maybe some self control and discipline, self imposed would be a good thing. How 'bout I don't do everything I want, go everywhere I feel and indulge every single desire that this body and mind feels in a day. Take time to pause.

Be still in fact.

So today I will.

Cease being a Human DOing and try becoming a Human BEing.

...just breathe.