Last night was an adventure to say the least, and I sit here with a clear head, watching the snow fall lightly on cat's feet and trying to put some words together about how I feel and make sense of the confusion that others have handed to me on this path.
I went to Pure Heart last night for the first session and was really seeking some answers about the struggle I am currently going through as a Christian with my sexuality and the conflict of relationship with Jesus and relating to Michael and other guys. I wanted truth, a safe place to open up and share, take in input and seek God's face and His Word to find some more peace.
The main session where Tom and others talked and shared testimony was amazing. Hearing so many different stories and sagas of people coming from pain to the foot of the Cross and the love, hope and healing that God offers and was accepted. Each of the group leaders spent a bit of time sharing their testimony and then we broke up into small groups and went to discuss the teaching, tell our stories and pray.
I ended up in a group with 5 other guys and we all sat down in our room and simply started sharing out testimonies and life stories of how we found Christ and what we were attending this 8 week class for. Each of the guys spoke and I was 3rd in the lineup. Our group leader was a guy from CA who seemed sincere...but rather curt. The other guys had all kinds of past, each a unique story that dealt from everything such as child abuse, drugs, homosexuality, pornography addictions, alcohol, broken homes...anything that wreaks pain and confusion in a man at different times in life. We all came to the table with questions, but I could tell as these other young guys spoke that they seemed to have it all together, not a care in the world, as if all of these problems were something in their past and that they were free from any kind of worry or problem.
Why were people this good even at a place like this? They didn't have any problems...or at least you would think that from listening to them and watching their smiling faces. They simply related facts and really seemed to bond with each other over the sharing.
My humble opinion, built by observation and experience?
They were a bunch of other pretty gay guys who wanted to go through the motions of finding truth, talk more about their lives than seek answers and simply sit and flirt with each other, maybe in hopes of finding a boyfriend in the church. But all very hush, hush, under the table, weird Christian denial or reality style. Just my take on it...I may very well be wrong. But there was some kind of meat market vibe...just Jesus style?
I dunno...
When it came time for me to talk, I plainly told a bit of my life story, my testimony, my past in private school, university and the Navy. I related that I was involved in a community at church and was seeking answers from God and the Bible about how to deal with and make some decisions about this relationship I found myself in. How do I pursue God above all else? What does God want from me? I had a few tears and was open to sharing. I was honest. Here is my life and heart. This is why I am here.
We ended in prayer and I went home in the rain with much on my mind.
Once home I was settling in and getting ready to make a late dinner. How do I go through these days without remembering to eat?
Then the group leader called and proceeded to really confuse me. He had much on his mind and could not find the words to say what seemed to be looming over him. But the simple gist was this.
This is not the place for you. You are not good enough to be here. All these other people are really seeking God and you are not. Maybe you should look for answers somewhere else... As long as it is not here.
I tried to ask questions to figure out where he was coming from, or maybe something I said that offended him and he still could not say what he was trying to say. I picked up the vibe though...you are gay.
Get out. God is not for people like you.
We got done talking, if you can call it that, and decided to meet with the head of the ministry this week and talk some things out. Tom is the one who invited me to be here. This is the guy who wrote the book, teaches the classes and heads up this ministry. He knows my story, in much more detail than this other guy. Will he kick me out too?
What do I do when the Church says, "Go Away"?
When they say, fix your problems first then seek Jesus?
When they lie about themselves and ask me to lie too?
My heart is very heavy today.
I had a response but the net ate it. I will talk to ya when I can mate. Rejection is heavy on the heart and no man should have to experience.
ReplyDeleteDamon, I'm searching for words and not sure what to say, but I pray the Spirit touches your heart mightily and brings you comfort. I admire your seeking heart. Some of your posts put me to shame when I have been lazy in my own commitment to the Lord. Wish I could give you a hug, brother.
ReplyDeleteDamon. I'm really sorry that this happened to you. I'll be on tomorrow afternoon if you want to talk.
ReplyDeleteJoe
Ugh. So glad I don't associate with those types of people and groups anymore. Its too painful. Both for me and in watching them.
ReplyDeleteThats not the church. Though many churches may act like that group, they don't represent Jesus.
I hope they don't keep you from finding the real Jesus!
I've only been reading for a short while and really enjoy your post. You have such a positivity that it is infectious.
ReplyDeleteFaith in God and Jesus Christ starts in your heart, not in a building or amongst a group of people. People who judge and malign in the name of Christ are not following Christ at all in my opinion. He would have never done that to anyone.
Each person has to square their relationship with God before everything else can be right.
Have a great weekend!
What happened to honesty and compassion? To share your heart and to be told you are not good enough is plain wrong. I hurt for you having gone through this, I can see why your heart is heavy. I pray you give your emotions about this to G-d so you can feel His love alone.
ReplyDeleteSadly so many "self help" groups (A.A, Celebrate Recovery, Exodus International affiliates etc.) are lead by people whose only qualification is that they have had an experience (they're ex-whatever) and somehow they think THAT qualifies them to give counsel.
ReplyDeleteBut the truth is they don't know their ass from a whole in the ground when it comes to knowing the Scriptures and knowing how to apply them to everyday life. They are more influenced by pop-psychology than a thoroughly Biblically grounded worldview. They could never meet the qualifications for ordination which require an extensive Biblical, theological examination and they are not equipped to be a shepherd to God’s people.
What is even worse is that many who ARE qualified with the above criteria don’t want to get their hands dirty by trying to help those who need it most. They’re perfectly comfortable to stick to preaching on Sundays, teaching the mid week Bible study (in between rounds of golf) and dealing with only the “normal” everyday issues in the church (building programs, organizing the Sunday pot-luck etc.).
Then there are those pastors who truly do have a heart for the ministry and for helping people but because there are so few of them they are burning themselves out trying to do it all on their own.
If one of those meetings just seems like a pick-up place for guys who are out of habit still acting out and there is no qualified and ordained shepherd to oversee it, my advice is not to return.
Been there, done that.
Here's my favorite quotes about the way the church should act. It comes from Isaac of Nineveh (Fifth century theologian) "Did not the Lord share the table of harlots and tax collectors? So you to must not distinguish between worthy and unworthy. All must be equal in your eyes to love and serve."
ReplyDeleteIMHO you're better off being out of a pseudo-Christian group that cannot love and serve you irrespective of your current place in life. Still, it pisses me off...
God loves you just as you are.
With prayers for your heavy heart - Paul
Damon,
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry you were treated that way. Probably the most disturbing part of what you mentioned was the mentality of "fix your problems first then seek Jesus". I would call that "salvation by works", which is the exact opposite of the true gospel! We can never be good enough on our own, we are saved because of what Jesus did on the cross to pay for our sin, NOT because we have fixed our problems.
You should not have to lie and pretend you are better than you are. That is not Christian either. As for that "meat market" vibe, it is a very real hazard of groups like that.
I pray that God will give you genuine Christian friends who will help you seek Jesus and then fight your battles, not demand pretend perfection.