Sunday, October 9, 2011

Dealing with it

It has been a while since I last wrote here and I felt the need this morning to put a few words down. This last week has been rather challenging and enlightening as I learn more about myself and the extremes that a rather stoic person like myself can go to in order to avoid pain, confusion and spaces that have no easy answers.

Went to Michael's last night after work and helped him with the landscaping. It has been on ongoing project this week that started with a chainsaw party on Tuesday night. Removing a few bushes from the front of his house turned into trimming all the trees and involved ladders, ropes, climbing gear and me scampering all over the roof as we found more things that needed to be done and he added to my to do list. I got off work yesterday, threw on some grungy clothes and ran over to see what else needed to be done.

We removed the natural stone retaining wall from the south side of the drive way and sloped the yard down to the concrete, then sodded the entire thing. Those stones were then transferred to the front of the house (all 147 of them) and we built a raised planter and flower bed across the east side the entire length of the house. Needless to say, we are both a bit tired and sore this morning. I convinced him to hire a friend of mine Brett to haul in the fill dirt and finish with the trees, disposal and final grading. This has been a huge project, but we have had a great time doing it. I know this winter will bring lots of projects and things to do inside his home but for now, I am enjoying working outside with my hands and spending time with him. Plus the view up the ladder is pretty damn good. :P

We got cleaned up and we went to dinner at Governor Stumpy's, one of our locally owned favorite restaurants. He had the ribs and I tore up some pork chops. We were seriously grubbing after working outside for about six hours. Then we ran over and picked up some movies to watch this weekend and decided to watch "Love and Other Drugs" last night.

Interesting choice that tore us up. A guy falls in love with a girl who is dying, who will not accept his love and so fears rejection. This was their story as they dealt with the impending pain of death, the humor they find in life and the love that grew out of it and the incredibly difficult decisions they eventually make.

Ironic, huh?

After the movie ended, we sat on the back porch on the swing, under the stars while the dogs played in the yard and had a simple and transparent talk about what is going on with us. We talked of our pasts, our hopes and what the future holds for us as men as well as friends. What are we doing here? What is on the table? How far are we willing to share, live, love and grow? He cannot and will not accept another rejection and heartbreak and cannot understand why I love him so. I am unable to explain it eloquently, but my world is a brighter place because he is in it. I asked him to just let me be right where I am and that I would never attempt to move into a place he cannot allow. This is unlike any relationship I have ever had in the past, even unlike the relationship we built when we were last together. This is two guys finding a place in the middle to exist. Not ignoring reality and dealing with how the details greatly impact our choices and actions.

I also told him that should we fall in love again, I will fight till my last breath for him. I am never leaving. I am never forsaking. I am here. I know I will get pushed away again. He will have to create space as this story unfolds but there will come a day and time where I will have to let him know, I won't leave. I won't respect your wishes to reject love. I do not think he is going to be very happy about that initially. I know he won't be. I know him.

The first time he asked me to walk away, I did so, because he asked me to. Doing this cost us almost a year together, not just as partners, but as friends. There will be a day when he pushes back at me and the only thing I will be able to do is wrap my arms around him and hold him. When that time comes, I hope I find the strength to be the man that he needs me to be. For now I am content to hold him in my arms, to feel his head on my chest, to see that smile that is sunshine to me and to walk by his side, whatever that looks like and for however long that may be. If this is all he can share then I will share it.

I do not know about tomorrow but I can do what I know to do and be who I know to be today. That is what love does. I will be right here, by his side, as he will let me. No labels. No regrets.

Just be.



  1. Great entry, man! Always glad to hear your thoughts and feelings. I know he must feel as I do, which is very fortunate to have you as a friend! :)


  2. Awh that is so sweet! I am glad that you are doing fine!!

    I haven't been here for ages ! I should have gave everyone an explanation why I stopped blogging, but things just got so busy after a while and I simply stopped blogging!

    I managed to get accepted for the Erasmus Exchange program and now I am studying in Finland till December! Beautiful country and an amazing experience!

    Keep it up man and well done for the post! I can tell that what you wrote came from the heart, and I applaud you for being so honest and to have been able to describe such beautiful emotions like that! :)

    Take care of yourself!!

    From the Maltese guy in Finland,

    Kurt :p

  3. Kurt!

    So glad to hear of your continued adventures! I have a friend Henri from Finland who lives here and works in the shopping district. He always has said it is a beautiful country.

    Sounds like life is crazy busy for yourself but I am thankful you took a moment to let me know you are alive and well. Keep up with your studies. They are the keys that will open the doors to an even larger future than you can imagine.

    Hope to see you writing again someday. Until then, I remain, your friend,