Monday, October 3, 2011

The Anti-climactic and Quiet Death of my Faith

I awoke this morning with an "anti-epiphany" if you will allow me to use that word.

Over the last few weeks and months, I have found more concrete reasons to doubt this institution we call the church and faith. I have communicated this and opened dialogue with my Dad about it (retired explosive engineer and pastor)and have been candid and frank with my observations, questions and reservations about the Bible and the stories and traditions of men.

I grew up as a non-believer incredibly involved in the church as a pastor's kid for social reasons only. I never bought into the whole idea or Jesus that they were selling and was content to be left to myself for the most part. I could play the role they asked of me and was happy to know that that seemed to satisfy them. (the church and my family)

After the church kicked my boyfriend and I out when we turned 18, (fundamental evangelical Baptists)I never really looked back but certainly felt a poignant sense of loss and separation from those I trusted and cared for. I went to school and served in the Navy and never gave the idea of a God that much thought.

After a series of events that were rather traumatic and sudden, I found myself at a place in life where I realized or grasped the idea that God existed. I processed this with friends and community in church and viewed myself as a Christian, albeit somewhat unorthodox in my practice and beliefs.

Lately I have been struggling greatly with issues that concern life, death, love acceptance and family and the common thread and point of contention has been this faith and belief that I keep trying to weave into the tapestry that is my life. I am trying to see God in all of this but desperately becoming more frantic as life appears more random and chaotic.

This morning, after a long and hard weekend, I woke up and told myself, "This is enough. I am done."

I don't think I believe in God anymore, certainly not in the bizarre stories that have been told to me my entire life. I do not want to attend the building and play the social games that the Christians play with each other. I think everyone has their own personal spiritual journey and for a while a Christian faith served as a useful tool in helping me process emotions and events.

That time seems to have passed. It's usefulness, comfort and peace that faith once offered has now turned into a obstacle that unsettles me and continually brings strife and turmoil to all my relationships and internal personal life.

Mark Twain said that "Faith is believing what you know ain't so."

I am rather inclined to believe that with him and I now feel a rather settled peace in this head and heart space. It may eventually pass or be due to current events in my life but I am going to take a break from it all. I am not against those who believe in God. I want to stay here and process life with people that know more than I.

I am just not a Christian.

Has anyone ever went through this place in their life? If so...what did that look like for you?



  1. Daemon,

    I have been there before, although I did not reach the same conclusion. I questioned the existence of God and the rationality of faith, but, in the end, I realized that I had placed my faith too much in the institutions of men and the teachings of the degreed and elevated, rather than in the directness of the Word of God. People are always anxious to interpret to support whatever conclusion they have formed through personal experience.

    I've seen in your recent posts that you have become exhausted with all the machinations of trying to get it all right. We can never do that. We'll always err in search of piety or in rejection of someone else's idea of righteousness.

    I think if you just moved the position of two words in your next-to-the-last statement, you might be closer to the truth: "I am not just a Christian," instead of "I am just not a Christian." When we move to the point of being able to say "I am just a Christian," we are closer to where we need to be.

    Don't base your decisions on the narrow-minded, the closed-minded or the never-minded, or the self-defined open-minded. Seek the mind of Christ. I've seen too much yearning in you to believe you have rejected Him.

    God Bless,


  2. Thank you for the kind words and insight, Thom. You have remained a constant friend.

    For the moment I am merely taking a break, I believe.

    I am burying all of these things that have been handed to me and seeing which of them spring to life again or stay dead in the earth.

    So very weary am I of all of it.


  3. I tried to post a response, but I'm pretty sure it's too long. It's a heavy question. Anyway, if you want to hear it, shoot me an email and I'll send it to you. If not, no biggie. My e-mail's Be well.

    Mike M

  4. I think that you are probably a lot closer to finding the truth than you realize. In fact, I would bet that as this journey continues you will end up coming to some surprising conclusions about YHWH that he will reveal to you.

    BTW: Considering what passes for "Christianity" in much of this country, it's not a bad idea to reject "Christianity." It might end up being easier to follow Jesus that way.

  5. I was raised Catholic and after journeying through life, I dropped faster than a bag of bricks. And I don't think I'll ever pick it or anything like it ever again.