Thursday, January 5, 2012

Random conversation with my Dad

I had a really interesting conversation with my Dad this afternoon and it was not even planned, just kind of spontaneous. I got off work and ran over to visit a friend who is in the hospital. Dropped of some cinnamon rolls and blueberry muffins I made with a note, since he was sleeping and then called my parents. They happened to be at a shopping mall near the hospital so I ran over and kept my Dad company while my Mom shopped.

We kind of rambled on about stuff, as we often do and somehow the conversation turned to sexual orientation and our personal perspective on it. I was talking to him about some of my friends who remain in the closet for different reasons and are under the impression that their parents do not know and the self-delusional denial that so many families live in, in order to be "comfortable", especially religious, conservative families.

The parents, in theory, are heterosexual and the gay son or daughter think that their parents have no idea. Right! Because they never went through puberty and have no idea how a young heterosexual acts and lives? Surely they cannot spot the discrepancies in their child's patterns and life that is rather different than the vast majority. But sure, live in that weird head space if ya want. That was kind of my take on it. They would rather their kids live a lie than be themselves and be loved by their families for being truthful and authentic. How is this a good thing? I felt no shame in coming home and telling my Mom that I had a crush on a boy in my class. It was natural for me. I was excited and I wanted to share. In my young innocence, no asshole posing as a spiritual person had got to me yet and poisoned my mind with their hateful ideas and trash. So I told her and then when my Dad came home, we told him. I only learned shame, guilt and pain later, at the hands of the same assholes who said they represented Jesus. I wasted too much time in life listening to them, people in authority that I trusted, instead of listening to my heart and to my family who always has and always will love me, no matter how difficult that may be at times. I know they didn't "hope" to have a gay son and their pain was due to the fact that they knew the discrimination and hard times I would face for being in a small minority in this country. They hurt for me as any parent would. Some parents just do not know how to communicate this and impose some kind of silence and deception on their children that they carry through a large part of their lives until they mature and realize that authenticity and integrity is better than lies, denial and silence.

While sharing with my Dad about my concerns in life, my relationship with Michael and other stuff he suddenly brought up that he truly believes that our sexual orientation as humans is genetic, whether it be hetero or homo. He shared with me that his older brother is gay and that he suspects strongly that his Mom, my  maternal grandmother was also gay. This took us off on a path talking about all the gay people in our family, on his and my Mom's side and as far as circumstantial evidence goes, it looks like it could be a genetic strain in my family. I really do not know but guess what? I do not really care either! :)

The fact is...I am gay. So how or why it happened has no bearing on my reality. I either live with truth and integrity in all the facets of my lie or I chose to condone deception and lying. Christians being dishonest in order to spare someones feelings, or maintain their family or for whatever strange reason has never made any sense to me. They are doing wrong so they can do right? WTF kind of reasoning is that? I feel that most of the blame lies with the parents that have forced their kids into these horrible and tortuous situations. They have made slaves of their children, demanding their silence and deception in exchange for love and acceptance. What kind of disgusting choice for a child is that? Some of the blame lies with the kids, who once they are adults, continue living these lies, for themselves, for their churches, for their friends and for their families.

It may sound cruel...but this is very wrong.

So yeah, lots of gay people in my family. Dad thinks it is genetic. I do not know or care but find it interesting. And closeted deceptive families are a disgrace to whom and what we should be as humans. Shame on them for their faith and builds such horrible prisons for their child due to their born identity. It hurts my heart. Even with my Dad having a gay sibling, it STILL wasn't easy for him to have a gay son, especially one like me. He came from that hateful religious place and had to learn, I will either love my son and reject the lie of the church, or I will believe the lie and hate my son.

I am glad he chose me.

I love my Dad.

That is all...



  1. new year new look on the blog huh?

  2. Daemon,

    I enjoyed reading about the conversation with your dad, and I am certainly glad you have such a strong relationship with him.

    I do want to ask you one question. In reading, I got the impression that you are thinking perhaps no one might actually read scripture, pray for discernment and still truly believe differently and reach out in what they believe is a loving and compassionate and honorable way, rather than as in your words: "asshole posing as a spiritual person had got to me yet and poisoned my mind with their hateful ideas and trash."

    You and I have had many conversations about homosexuality and the Bible and we come to different conclusions, yet I don't see myself, and hope others do not, as you describe Christians who differ with your understanding. I hope I did not come across to you as someone who is posing or spreading hateful ideas and trash. Were you painting with a broad brush or just referring to some specific people who take the message of grace and pervert it?

  3. Thom,

    That is a great question. I know that our exchanges have always been courteous and a fair exchange of differing views on orientation and faith. You certainly have never been like the "assholes" I have encountered in my life. I was certainly writing with some emotionally loaded feelings at the time.

    Having had some time to think about it, while I can respect your ideas and beliefs to some extent, I still have to object completely to them. Whether you present your message "in love" and gently to LGBT people, you are still using your religious beliefs as a foundation to encourage people to reject themselves which then causes great emotional harm to themselves and their families. It encourages people to believe a lie about themselves that has been perpetrated by the Church for thousands of years in different incarnations.

    The things that you blog about and ideas you espouse in your book are still poison to those who find them, regardless of how palatable or nicely you may present it and the end result is still the same, emotionally stunted and crippled people who will trust you even as you hurt them.

    Not an easy place to be but I can understand why you have chosen it. The life you lead has demanded it from you and to admit anything other than your position would result in even greater loss and hurt to you and your family.