Thursday, January 19, 2012
Trying to write
What has been going on with me...too much stuff to be honest and not a whole lot of it has been good. I guess I kind of freaked out this month after the stress of December was over. I hit a wall and have simply been reacting to things and that has not been too healthy. I keep seeking something and in doing so am missing all the somethings I already have in my amazing life. Even with all that I have and what has been going on, I am still not satisfied and that is a frustrating place to be.
I have been bottling stuff up for too long and only sharing bits and pieces of it with my friends and family, almost like I am rationing the amount of information or power that any one person has over me. I think another reason I haven't been writing or sharing much with others is that the facts of my life and the choices I have made paint me in a really bad light. I like to think that I am a good person but in reality, I am a pretty selfish asshole when left to my own devices. I think the person I want to be and the person I am right now keep getting further from each other.
Sometimes when I come here, I wonder who even reads this stuff anymore. I have looked back through my posts here and can track the changes and progress of my life over a few years but even then, the really good writing and content is few and far between. There have been days where I have poured out my heart and soul in incredibly raw ways but the vast majority of my writing still has been guarded and somewhat internally censored. I am scared about who may read what and how that might change or alter the picture they have of me. In the end, is honesty really the best policy, or do we prefer to be lied to, at least in some areas, so we can continue to believe the best about our friends and the people we love.
Maybe I will just start writing things as they are, no holds barred, come what may and say 'the hell what people think about me'! I don't want to be an asshat but I do need to get some things off my chest and maybe this is a safe place to do so? It is rather strange how many people that I know in real life read this blog now, but then I guess that is my fault cause I showed them a post or two I wanted feedback on. People tend to be nosy about each other and now it seems that too many eyes wander around here, but at least I am known. It is both scary and comforting I guess?
I think later today, as a good exercise, I will come back here and write about something that has been bothering me this month. I will tell you, it isn't very pretty or nice, but it is real and presents a problem to me that I cannot seem to solve, at least not inside myself. Time for a break, but it's good to be writing again, even if it is a bunch of crap.