Thursday, December 6, 2012

Chasing a thread

I just woke up. There is a lot that could be read into that simple statement but I want to try to retain the thoughts that the dream I had, so I will refrain from digressing. It was fascinatingly intricate, enough to defy simple description, but the gist that I came away with can be expressed in a few parts.

People, and by that I mean each of us humans on this earth, are incredibly complex beings. In the course of our internal and exterior lives, we effect and influence each and every other person we come in contact with. This is not coming out of my mind as beautifully or easily as I can still glimpse it in the pictures and words left from the story my mind told itself. Even with each passing moment it seems to fade a bit more. I will not let that worry me.

“The two most important days in your life are the day you are born, and the day you find out why.”  ~Mark Twain

Lately, when my mind turns in on itself, I have been searching for meaning in all of this clutter and busyness that life becomes as age finds each one of us. I peruse my past, looking for some hidden clues to the path that some call to order seems to insist that I find there. I examine choices made, decisions cast and all the myriad details that make up the amount of life I have lived so far. What in the world am I possibly here for?

I look at the exterior lives of others, their shining pictures of success and happiness that they deem acceptable to share with others, and then compare and contrast them to my own life. I wonder what placed them where they are at, in their own families and positions that led them to the place of being the person they are expressed as now. Sometimes I feel like I have failed to live up to my own preconceived idea of success, even though that has been so amorphously defined in my own mind and soul.

Their puzzle pieces don't fit into my own life and for far too long, that has been frustrating me. I am working on my own solution set over here and the answers that I seek about myself are not to be found in another's box of tools or experience. That is a clumsy word picture, I realize, but I am trying to get a thought out in some coherent fashion, so find myself rushing against time before it eludes me.

We all touch each others lives. We each have our own sphere of influence. What we are doing today is the most important thing we have done in our lives to date. It may not seem to hold the weight and import that other monumental decisions and choices seem to hold in our memories. Some days and events carry with them their own loaded charge, as we analyze them from the present looking back. We can see how they greatly altered or effected our own or others lives. The thing is, while each day is occurring, in the present, we have no way of knowing which event or incident will become one of those which we will eventually impart such weighty investment to.

I wish to be present, not in a random and haphazard manner, but in an intentional and thought filled way. What I do each day matters. What you choose each day also matters. They seem like simple days. We rest, eat, work and go about our lives. But this is what memories are made of. All of it. My life and what I do effects every single one of the people I come in contact with. Due to our own inability to see into that persons map or puzzle, possibly a result of poor communication or empathy, it is impossible to calculate how much we are altering their life but I do know this. I am either adding to their life in a positive way or detracting from it in a negative way. I am either making their journey better or worse.

What we do matters. Who we are is important. Each little contact and new or familiar face each day is a part of this tapestry we call life. All too often, I am lost in my own thoughts and world to give more than a second thought to how my life impacts others. I am too selfish or self absorbed in my own puzzle pieces on my own table to give much effort into helping and aiding others with theirs. My ears have not been listening. My eyes have not been seeing. My focus has been skewed heavily in my own direction. I would like this to change. I think by becoming aware of this, at this very moment, I have discovered a simple truth that will help me live more presently, intentionally and precisely.

We all can and do make a difference, in good or poor ways, wherever and whoever we may be. Living is a great responsibility and can be a fantastic reward in itself. My meaning and satisfaction is not somewhere out there in the void of what I do not know, but lays here in these pieces on my table in front of me. I need to start looking up. A fresh set of eyes can do wonders when I am lost. Maybe in my own small way, I can be that for others. Until I let them see what is on my table, they cannot help me. If I can take my eyes away from myself, even for moments at time until it becomes habit, then I will be able to aid them as well.


PS: I refuse to go back and read all that. It may be rubbish, but at least I tried to express it. 

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