Just because :)

Thinking on things

Listening to this song after work today. Came home and shucked my shorts and promptly cut the sleeves off another tshirt for the second day in a row. It has been in the high 90's for over a week now with no relief in sight. Seems like those two days of Spring is all we're going to get! Getting some great sun every weekend though, so I don't mind it much, with the top down and all.

Man! Where does the time go? Life has been a whirlwind lately and I have yet to even start catching up here in sharing what is going on. Seems like the story of my life. Ninety miles and hour and no time to look back and reflect. Stay in the moment and keep pressing onward and upward.

Things are well with me. Family, friends and career abound in any and all directions as I continue to grow into the space that I find myself. Every week seems to bring new faces, new friendships, assorted challenges and opportunities and I just keep taking it all in. Certainly a new season in my own path, to be sure. I have a hard enough time keeping track of it all, but that seems to be the ebb and flow of things when the wheel moves us.

After so much solitude, solitary time, reflection and travel alone, it is refreshing and exciting to be doing life with people again, friends both old and new. Made a new circle of guys at a camping trip a few weekends ago and things are taking off with them as our lives, schedules and activities mesh into each other. I am grateful to have new input in all the arenas that interesting new humans bring to us. Music, movies, activities, bonfires, service opportunities and doing meals and life together. Some weekends I don't even see my own house until late Sunday, if at all, before the next week of work starts!

I know this is disjointed and randomly written. I am trying to scarf down and Caesar Salad wrap and some iced tea before I get out of the house and head to the lake for a drive and to visit a bison hard with a friend. Random and beautiful, all at the same time.

Smiles find me everyday and the knowingness of being the right person, at the right place, at the right time is a space I find myself inhabiting more and more. I was made for this life.

More to follow, but I have a road to hit, water to see and huge animals to feed carrots to!

daemon

That time I was scared to be myself

So this evening, after good conversation with a new friend as we

plotted the future, I had an interesting adventure. I hesitated to share it, as it painted me in a rather inept and weak light, but after some reflection, thought it was note worthy, as some lessons learned stood out to me. (New friend is a guy I met on a camping trip with old friends a few weekends ago. Don't really know him that well, but we hit it off and he contacted me to hang out.)

My friend left to run his errands and grab dinner and I went back in the coffee shop for an ice tea refill, before I hit the road. While doing so, I took my car keys out of my pocket to have them ready for putting my rain coat in the trunk, as it was still dry out, though clouding up quickly.

Unbeknownst to me, when I removed my keys, a very sentimental and important ring fell out of my pocket and rolled across the sidewalk.

After getting my refill, a young guy approached me with a smile and held out the ring I had dropped, letting me know he had seen it fall and that it rolled right to his feet.

I thanked him profusely and went out to my car across the street to stow my rain coat and prepare to leave. As I walked across Broadway, the thought came to me that I had several fresh chocolate chip cookies in the trunk and that I could give them to this guy as a "thank you" for returning my ring that I had not known was lost.

I placed my coat in the trunk, set my ice tea in a holder and got the cookies out and then firmly closed the trunk to return across the street.

As the solid clunk sounded, I instantly knew that I had placed my keys to the right of my knapsack and they were now locked securely in the trunk. This normally would not be a big deal, but I had just put the hard top back on the car, due to the coming rain and had locked both doors when I arrived at the coffee shop. If the soft top had been up, I could have merely unzipped the back window and opened a door, but sadly, fate had conspired against me this time.

So, I went about with my plan, gave the guy the cookies and then made a call to get a set of keys delivered. In the mean time, I decided to walk over to the Bunker to kill some time and peruse the sales rack. While at the corner, I realized the sun was setting and a large storm was rolling in from the west.

I just stood on the corner of Westport and Broadway, as so many had before me, and watched the sky. Thunder, lightening and random rays of sunlight all competed for my attention. 

After I had made the call, I had set a timer for the arrival of my keys, so I know exactly how long I had stood there watching the sky and raw force of nature.

Seventeen minutes.

Seventeen minutes of stopping, of contemplation, of simply being caught up in the spectacle of life unfolding around me.

I even put my phone in my pocket and stopped texting my friend I was sharing this experience with as it unfolded.

It captured my attention.

I was present.

Simply in the moment.

Sometimes life conspires against and forces us to stop. It lets us repay kindness in kind and then halts our steps, slows our roll and demands our undivided attention, if we will watch, look and listen.

I need more of this. My world and evening is and was a better space because in haste, I made an error.

There are no mistakes.

That ring had been on my finger earlier. I had taken it off and put it on a few times as I debated with myself. It never would have been in my pocket if my own interior self-doubt hadn't clouded my personal perception and resolve. I removed it due to my own mistaken assumptions about another. For some odd reason, I really wasn't sure if I wanted my new friend to know that I am gay. We had shared time and life on the camping trip, but it had never come up and one never knows if old friends had filled in new friends on random information. I did not want him to see me as "less than" and it had been a long time in my own life since I had considered my orientation and sexuality as a detriment or something to be ashamed of. I am not sure where this came from but it certainly has given me something to consider and ponder about myself and where I am at with self acceptance and personal emotional health.

If it had not been in my pocket, due to my insecurity, it would not have fallen out. I wouldn't have met Sam. He wouldn't have returned my ring. He wouldn't have got chocolate chip cookies and I would have missed the stormy sunset.

There are no mistakes. Even the errors we make bring us closer to others and teach us about ourselves. Both today and tomorrow.

I won't be taking that ring off again, but I am sure glad that I did.

Sorting

Have to choke the words out. Somewhere in all of this thinking are feelings and they get so tangled. No panicked frenzy to be found but the desperate desire to emote what roils beneath the surface of an always composed and placid exterior. Mind racing, feelings tumbled, around and updown like a never ending spin cycle that keeps the rhythm of my life moving. Almost a perpetual motion machine that I siphon energy from while never revealing what lies within. Somewhen, wherehow to strain and fumble and force extrude all of this beautiful, terrible, painful, magnificent life?

Waking to music playing in my head that makes no sense but somehow orchestrates that driving desire to feel, to dance, to whirl and spin and laugh and scream, shouting desperately and ecstatically in the rain that this is me, is life, is feeling, is more, is us, is now. A dervish with no sand, careening out of control in silence with no concern or thought of what impending infinitesimal intersection of living might occur if I just give in and relinquish myself to the release of time and thought and space and others. To not be alone. With and near. Close and touched. Always ever following that wil-o-the-wisp that leads me on my way?

Drivel and scree. I care not. Get it out. Put it down. See it baldly. Throw light into those corners. Make way and space for examination. Let the dust coat my hands and motes tickle my nose till teasing, sneezing, hacking and squinting it is revealed. The past laid open. Breathe deep those adventures forgotten. Touch the mementos collected without thought or care. Remember. Remember. That was me. This is me. I was there. I did that. I knew you. We all rolled out. Served a cause. Took a path. Climbed that mountain. Dove that sea. Wore that uniform. Touched fingertips lightly. Shoulders rubbed and bounced as the sun set over another ocean. Breathed in deeply the salt and wondered where the years would take us. They took us here. They made us we. I am a part of it all and yet I forgot.

Forgot myself. Forgot that space. Walked boldly without a glance back. Striving, living, pushing, ignoring, intentionally always moving, never seeking, always finding. More and more and when and how and there and now and for what?

What did I gain. How did it all come together? How did I lay aside that which I would need never knowing where I would land and fall and settle for a moment? I planned, plotted, sought and bought, carefully curating crap that now falls to hand like well used tools unvisited and unworn and forgotten.

I need these things. I kept these things. They remind me of who and when I was. They traveled time and space with me and then waited.

They have been found. I have been found.

I am remembering.

And in there, is love.

Boy

Getting words down

Time can be an elusive and slippery animal. Already this month has flown by and life continues to accelerate in ways and manners that remind me of flowing water seeking its own level. It will not and cannot be contained, but certainly channeled and used. Sometimes, though, it is simply good to let it run where it desires.

Woke up early this morning after a great night's sleep on a new bed. That purchase has certainly done wonders for the rest I seek. I am somewhat amazed at how such a simple difference can make in my productivity and easing of encroaching and continually present soreness and discomfort.

Damn. It has been awhile since I threw some words at this page. The pace of life, work, play and contribution has been break neck and doesn't seem to be slowing. Time to strap in and enjoy the ride. Where to start?

Sister and her daughter are getting ready to leave for Peru. Got Dad through the medical concerns that provoked some stress and consternation. Spring is rapidly upon us. Brother is doing well and his business is booming. Mom is finding some relief from her physical ailments and completed her physical therapy brought on from the severe fall this last December. Work is in order. Had my annual review yesterday with my Executive Chef and we both left that meeting well pleased. My merit increase meets and exceeds my expectations but my plate certainly is filling up and my shoulders are going to have to become broader. After meeting the CEO of our company at an event I was catering at, he called and requested my resume and seems to have some designs on my own personal development and future with the company. That is both intriguing and a bit disconcerting but I will eagerly anticipate what develops. This next month is going to be CRAZY busy but it is time to buckle down further and up the ante on what I bring to the table.

No news on the relationship front. Still single as a Pringle, but that is nothing new lately. Friendships and community continue to grow as I get more involved in activities and in the lives and activities of others. A few are becoming even closer and I am learning to reach out, share and lean on those with vastly more experience, good practical wisdom and sometimes just a listening ear. Reaching out and growing is never a bad thing, but can be daunting at times, for a person such as myself, who tends to live independently in most arenas of my own life. I love those guys and am certainly finding my place in the family I make for myself. I am coming into my own and staring to own and inhabit the place space that I walk in. This bodes well for the coming and continuing year.

I don't have much on my mind this morning. Just planning my day and schedule to attempt to fit everything in to be well completed. I have taking some classes in the evenings now to further my own education and development, but the new schedule certainly makes for longer days. More data on that front at some later point, when I feel ready to share.

Been back on the bench practicing and learning new pieces on the piano. That has been both challenging and expanding. My chops had become quite rusty over the years and the discipline has been good for my heart and soul. Music from the past and from the present is starting to flow, though the metronome is still my task master. Timing, in all things, is paramount.

So what the fuck is going on with me?

I am hanging on. I am surviving. I am thriving. Despite it all and what this world throws at me, I am taking it in stride and becoming, slowly, the best version of myself. I am going to find my voice again here and relearn to share with the openness and transparency that I once had.

Bear with me.

The long silence is hard to break, but I am trying and doing.

daemon

Time for some rest.

I know that I haven't written here in a long while, but this week held a full weeks schedule plus 19 hours of overtime work with off site catering of special events. To top it off, my Dad had a medical scare on Wednesday night and I spent all evening and night in the ER of St. Lukes hospital waiting on CT amd MRI scans, blood work and other assorted tests. Thankfully he is okay cardiac and neurologically, just a serious chest infection, but no pneumonia.

Tomorrow morning, after Cars and Coffee, I hope to be back and catch up on where life has me at the moment. For now, I choose dinner and sleep. Hope you all are well. Love on another.

daemon

A much needed day off.

What a whirlwind life has been lately. There have been several times that I have been prompted to sit
down and jot down a few things here in the past week or so, but events and circumstances have always conspired to eat the time and un-shared those things became. Woke up early this morning, even though it is on my day off, so I decided to write as soon as the coffee began trickling into my system. While I did not have MLK day off at work, they did grant us an extra floating holiday, to be used at our leisure, during the month of February and I decided to take advantage of that today, in order to get many errands and appointments done in one fell swoop. So Happy Day Off to me!

I had stayed up late last night, thinking that I might sleep in a bit today, but my body had other plans. I guess several years of rising early is a hard habit to break, even when the need and willingness is present. Such is my Circadian rhythm, I suppose. I didn't bother setting my alarm, thinking I met glean a few hours of extra sleep, but it was not to be, but due to that, I have some time to write. So it's a lose, win in the books.

Got the car clean yesterday after work, to get all the road grime and salt off of it. I had just washed it on the weekend, but that didn't last long, as a sudden snow storm fell Sunday morning and blanketed our fair city in a fluffy blanket of white. To say it was unexpected would be an understatement. Of all things random, I decided to go to church on Sunday and revisit an old haunt after four years of absence. It was an unusual experience to say the least. The place had grown exponentially since I was there last and they had purchased their own building, right up the street from the movie theater on the Country Club Plaza where they used to meet. Another location had been opened at the University near by as well as a location North of the River. It was packed with fresh, new happy young faces that I had never seen before but at least those in service and speaking roles were still familiar and welcoming. It was too many people, too early in the morning, but I enjoyed myself to some extent, though it didn't feel like the home it once was. We stepped outside after the service to be greeted by a blanket of thick white snow and chaos on the streets as it continued to fall, obscuring visibility and turning normal drivers into madmen. All of this on Super Bowl Sunday, mind you. I ended up trekking my way safely and slowly to my parents house and spent the day in the company of my Dad, watching his beloved Patriots lose a maddening game. All in all, a full and good day.

Work has been a mad house, as more employees have been added to the Two Towers, ground has
been broken on the next building and people keep wanting to eat every single day. I think they may have an addiction, but that is good for business. Lots of new recipes as my menu changes each week and some new faces have been added to our team in the Kitchen. Performance reviews are due this month, so I have been busy with paperwork as well, trying to determine what exactly has happened with whom this past exciting year. Has it been a year already? The calendar says it has. The great news is we have more vacation and paid time off to distribute to those who have been here a bit as well as a sizable raise for most who have put the time and effort in. Everyone gets some extra money so everyone will go home with something new and we begin this new year afresh with a world of possibilities. These self and peer examinations are never easy, per se, but they are rewarding and fulfilling for those who have gone above and beyond and that list is a long one thankfully. I work with an amazing team of dedicated, creative professionals and those Chefs who lead us continue to inspire, motivate and value all of our contributions, great and small. It truly is a place I look forward to going each day.

Family life, let's see. Dad is doing pretty well, though the winter months weigh heavy on him as he doesn't have the warm weather to work on his cars and putter in the garden. I keep telling him Spring will be here soon, but I need to stop that, because each time I encourage him, another snow storm hits so he will just have to be patient and wait it out. I have got him out to the shop several times to work on simple things on the Mustang that I gave him, so that has helped his cabin fever a bit and not a week goes by that I don't stop by and find him out working in the yard, all bundled up like a kid, determined to something, anything outside, when the sun is shining. My sister is going to Peru again for her yearly international jaunt and this time will be taking her little daughter with her. She will be traveling with friends, so that is encouraging as a brother, and will be taking some time to visit all her friends there she has made over the years. The last several have been Peru, but I know that Africa will be back in the mix soon enough. That was her destination of choice for over ten years with assorted other Latin and European countries thrown in for good measure. Having a one year old to provide and care for hasn't slowed her roll down at all. (Note: as a single mother, she adopted a newborn little girl a little over eighteen months ago and I have never seen her shine brighter and smile larger than with this amazing bundle of joy that is the newest addition to our growing family.) Mom has been combating some health problems, as she took a tumble right before the holidays. Her scrapes, bumps and bruises have healed well, but she still struggles with soreness and pain and is attending physical therapy four times a week,which has certainly helped in her mobility, frame of mind and pain management. She has been down, off and on, so I have been pitching in more with the grocery shopping, meal preparation and house cleaning to take a load off her shoulders and ease her mind. Love her to death. Brother is just busy, busy, busy with his business. Just bought a massive concrete recycling/grinding machine and is now running ten semi dump trucks full time, as well as four normal dump trucks and over ten pieces of heavy equipment. He keeps socking his earnings back into equipment, staff and expansion and business is booming. New contracts with the City came through, so I rarely get to see or hear from him, barring major holidays and the odd phone/text check in. I am so proud of him and the man that he has become. His wife and daughter are well and caught up in the crazy life of private school and the myriad of activities that catch her interest. Ballet, French, violin, Mandarin, soccer and baking is the last count I had, and I think she wanted to add piano to that list, though I let her know that I currently have no time to teach and give her lessons. I recommended a great from the Conservatory for that and hope that she might check it out and at least give it a shot. The decades I spent studying music, composition, theory and performance add so much to my life that goes so far beyond simply making music. It trains the mind and gives one another language and voice to express, so we shall see where her heart takes her. She certainly doesn't have a natural gift for the violin, I will tell you that much!

As for my, my free time lately has been spent with the various car clubs. We have had several shows,
Cars and Coffee at the Automotive Museum, as well as meeting for rally's and drives when the weather permits. We got three of the clubs together two weeks ago and hit a new burger spot that was amazing. Spent that weekend with Michael, enjoying the dogs, our cars and the company of friends and the open road. Was interesting to wake up there on a Sunday morning and spend another weekend together. So familiar, but also so different than years past. The dogs have grown and two more have been added so the couch was full as we had coffee and got ready for our day. Many good conversations and a lot of catching up to do, but the years will do that as they slip by. He is healthy and happy and for that I am grateful. Still love that guy and glad he is a part of my life again. The time apart did our friendship and lives good. We still never run out of words, smiles and laughs and the wisdom and knowledge we have both grown in with events and time serve us well to share. Good stuff.

Wow! I didn't know I had that many words in me today and I never even got around to half the stuff on my mind and what is going on with me internally, but I will save that for a bit later. Today will be full with car maintenance, doctor appointment, getting some property surveys set up and hoping to squeeze some friend time in there and coffee shop and shopping before dinner tonight with the whole family to celebrate my birthday of last month that got postponed due to life and crazy winter weather. Hope today finds you all well and rested. Wish me luck!

daemon

Anthem

Today. All day. Every day.

daemon

To be able to art

Oops...ran out of time.

Woke up this morning, well rested and ready to go...four hours before I had to leave from work. Odd how our bodies sometimes require immense amount of rest, and at other times, seem to perform fantastically with the bare minimum.

I got a lot accomplished already. Moved a lot of furniture around in preparation for some work being done in the house after I get home from work. I have a plumber coming over to do some installation and wanted to ensure he had room to access all the door panels that control various shut off valves in the different rooms he will be working in. The list of things that needed to be maintained or replaced with new fixtures had finally grown long enough to warrant bringing in a professional and I will be glad to see some new pieces around the house, after making do for quite some time. New faucets for the kitchen and two bathrooms, fixing a perpetual slow leak in one toilet tank and a few other things that have been bugging me for way too long will be good to get accomplished, even if it means forking over a bit more money than usual. There are things I am accomplished at and have the patience for, but plumbing is NOT one of them. I can stop massive leaks to pressurized systems due to the Navy, but as the house is in no danger of sinking resulting in explosive compression at crush depth, I will let the guy who can do it all in a few hours time do the work. I loathe plumbing and electrical work. So...a bit excited.

Several cups of coffee this morning already and I think I sat down too late to actually write anything meaningful this morning. The car is clean and I need to take the hard top off now, so I can enjoy the warm weather when I get off work. All is well and I have a free weekend to explore and enjoy so am pretty pumped about that. Car meet and cruise to lunch on Sunday with Michael and his friends from the club, so that is something to look forward to.

More news later today, when I get a moment to sit down and explore some ideas that have been in my head for a while. Hope you are all having a great day.

May today find us as grateful, excited and overjoyed with the things and opportunities that we DO currently have as this Austrian boy about his first pair of new shoes in years, 1946. Contentment is a goal we should all strive for. Don't invest into the lie that is covetousness and envy.

Be unAmerican today.

Of dough, crushes and waking up

Slept in a bit, for me that is. Sipping espresso and working on a new bread recipe this morning; Anadama Bread, a loaf popular in New England. It caught my eye while reading a few weeks ago for its unusual combination of cornmeal and molasses. The dough is on its first rise at the moment, so I am sitting down, listening to the dishwasher run and enjoying some music in the early morning hours.

Let's see. It was a busy week, so was a bit remiss on writing here, but finally managed to get over whatever virus had been attacking me. It was no match for hard work and lots of rest. Glad to be feeling better for this warm weekend. After the weather broke this week, I was able to get my car washed and waxed and it was a relief to get all the grime and salt off it it after so many days of driving a dirty car! That irritation is right up there with leaving the house without a shave, or starting my day without making my bed. Some habits from the Navy die hard.

I feel pretty good this morning. Have a couple things on my list that I want to accomplish with the warmer weather, instead of just spending all my time on entertainment and hanging out with friends. Sometimes you just need to get stuff done. Finally got the house undecorated from Christmas with the help of my little sister. I need to get all the boxes back in storage and out of one of the spare bedrooms. I can't stand seeing clutter and like things back in their right and respective places. Cooked

Supposed to rain tomorrow and if it does so, that will be my play day. Maybe catch a movie by myself, hit up the coffee shop and do some shopping for myself, some small thing unknown as of yet. It has been quite a while since I bought myself something unnecessary and unneeded, just because. Who knows? I am sure something will catch my eye, as long as I can get myself to actually buy it.




Cooked a great meal for my parents last night. Roast beef, baby new potatoes, carrots and root vegetables and a big pan of Kansas City Cornbread. For those of you not in the know, its half cornbread, half yellow cake and served warm with some butter and fresh honey is magnificent. It took several hours on my Friday night after a long day, but the effort and time was well worth it. Moms need a break sometimes and it was good to spend time with them cooking, eating and catching up on whats been going on in their lives.




Oh! I saw and got to talk to my work crush on Friday. Probably haven't mentioned him here, but
I like exactly what we don't have. He is so incredibly attractive to me. The way that he moves and expresses himself. His fantastic taste in shoes and boots, the way he smiles when sitting in the sun at breakfast, working away gleaning some warmth and starting his day. His interactions with others, that warm, huge and engaging smile and how he genuinely is present with all that talk to him. People love him and seek to be around him. He doesn't know me and I don't know him and I am okay with that. I am happy just to see him and enjoy the attraction that I am sure he doesn't even know exists. That tension and pull towards his Universe that exists in me is a emotion and feeling that I enjoy and really don't want to change or mess with. To tamper with it would alter it, so I will just leave things as they are. God! I have it bad.


Yeah, he has my attention and has been orbiting my thoughts at times this past year. His name is Nicolas and he is quite unlike anyone that has caught my eye in the past. For one, he is tall, and I tend to like and notice shorter guys first. Totally bald, but it appears that he either shaves his head, or it may be a result of some medical treatments, due to the different bruises that show on his head at times. Wide set eyes that take the whole world in. Amazing and beautiful smile that brightens up my whole day. He is slim and lithe and moves with such grace. Fantastically expressive hands. He is singularly one of the most captivating humans I have met in a long while. While I do talk to him when cooking for him, I haven't pursued anything else and probably never will. For the longest while, I wouldn't even talk to him, his presence had such a profound and unsettling effect on me. Now we have an easy banter and conversations, though on some days, I still studiously avoid him and any eye contact, just for my own sanity. Friends who know of this crush have asked me why I don't talk to him more, or at least inquire about his status and they don't understand my answer or reasoning for not doing so. Just leave it alone and let it be. One can enjoy the forest and nature without having to try to acquire it. Right?

Okay, enough of that rambling. I sound like some love struck school boy, but we have all been there at times? Speaking of which, I have been single for the last three years. I will eventually get into how my relationship with Michael ended but this isn't the morning for that. We actually took a break from each other's presence for three years, but made contact recently. He actually found me in Instagram and we started just looking at each other's lives and how much had changed over the years. He is healthy, happy and doing well. Met for coffee, went to a car show (he recently sold his Mercedes and came back to the roadster scene) and even hung out at his house one evening for several hours. I just stopped by and wanted to talk life and was pleased to know I still had a dear friend, listening ear and space in his life. The break was good, but we are both content and happy apart from each other. I will never regret the time and life spent with him. I will always love him, as I have so many before him. That time in my life makes me smile.

So many words this morning. I feel like I am all over the place, but that is okay. I think I will stop for now. Probably write some more today, in between tasks. Seems like I have a lot in my head that hasn't been coming out of my mouth. More on that later. Don't mock me for my crush. :)

daemon

That one time, yesterday.

What a week! Still waking up this early Saturday morning and knew I needed to get some words down here to keep the momentum going, as well as to capture just how and what is going on in my my life before time makes it all slip away. This coffee is tasting great, especially since it is a frigid 9 degrees outside. The humidifiers are running at full and a space heater and fireplace are augmenting my central heat to make it nice and cozy in the house this morning, despite the cold outside. I truly appreciate a nice home to live in during the winter. Yet another thing to be truly grateful for. There have been times in my life when I have certainly had less. "In every state I am in, therewith to be content" continues to ring true.

My mind is a whirlwind so might as well dive in somewhere. This week was a crazy time at work, the first full five day week since December and we took it in stride and really shone. So many people to feed, lots of changes going on with staff and numerous catering events that demanded the extra mile. We hosted an amazing dinner for the Top 100 Executives of 2017 and it was a resounding success. A vast array of amazing ingredients to work with and details, details, details. My hands were almost cramping up from such precision knife work and tweezing micro-green garnish placement, but each plate went to service looking impeccable and the clients were stunned and elated at what the Kitchen turned out for their special celebration. I am learning so much and I love it!

Body is a bit sore, as I took the time to pitch in and unload the truck and stock walk-ins, freezers, dry storage and paper goods yesterday. Had been a while since I slung 55 pound bags and full cases of cans, but it feels good today, the comfortable kind of ache and tension of a job well done and hard work accomplished. Going to take some extra stretching before a hot, hot shower to work out the kinks, but I can manage that. I have plenty of time and this WHOLE day is mine with nothing else planned except to have a "daemon day". :)

The Eleventh was my birthday and I had a great day, even with work and so many things on my plate with family and friends at the moment. Still feeling a bit under the weather and been working sick the last week or so but that just keeps me motivated to stick with my rest and meds when I can. I am going to beat this flu bug, even if it tries to kill me. I still haven't managed to get my voice back and today I wound like I am breathing helium, but the lull in chatter and constant comments has made me consider my words more, think before I speak and generally contributed to a time of reflection that normally gets loss in the bustle of live streaming my inner monologue. I am sure that friends and family have enjoyed the respite that a quiet me has brought. I do miss singing though, but humming will have to do until the words and sound come back.

Two days prior to mine, was my Mom's birthday and I had so much fun surprising her. I got up at about 3 am and drove to the florist where Cody, a friend, had put together two dozen white and red roses as well as picked up a Pecan Pie (her favorite) from a local bakery the night before. His curls were a bit tussled from sleep and wasn't awake yet when I rolled in, but his efforts and collaboration with me certainly made her day shine bright. I would have loved to have seen her face when she got up to get some water or go to the bathroom and discovered the flowers and pie on the dining room table at 4 am. Someone has been sneaking around and what is this? I love you, Mom. There is nothing I could do that could match the care, concern, effort and time you have poured into me and our family over these many, many years. I will give you everything I can, just to make you smile. You are the light, life and glue that illuminates, narrates and binds our family together with love. Happy Birthday, Mom! (from your little brown-eyed boy)

Yesterday was an interesting adventure with my Dad after work. I ran by their house and found him outside in the freezing weather doing yard work, picking up those stupid gum balls that fall from the tree in front. That man never stops working or doing something, even in this weather! He decided that he wanted to pull my Mom's car out to get it all warmed up and in doing so managed to get the driver's door stuck open. The latching mechanism that grasps the door pillar was wedged in the locked position and nothing we did could seem to fix it. He became frustrated and I could tell that brute strength was about to be brought to bear and I got pretty upset internally. All of this could have been avoided if he would have left well enough alone and I found myself on my knees in the driveway, aiming a heat gun at frozen car parts trying to in vain to fix the lock. I finally told (yelled at) him to get inside and warm up and that I would handle it. NO, we're not going to drive it to David's with the door hanging open with a bungee cord! Mom is out getting a pedicure and manicure and this is going to be fixed before she gets home! (She drove the sedan due to the weather and not wanted to get salt and grim all over her pristine sports car that she normally zooms around in.)

I was sick, cold, frustrated and really just wanted to go to bed. I finally took a deep breath, calmed down, took the door panel apart, disassembled the locking and latch mechanism, put it all back together after cleaning and lubricating it and VOILA! It worked flawlessly. Whew! That was a relief. I didn't know what I would tell her if she came home and her car was out, door wouldn't shut and Dad all upset and confused. In that moment, I was struck that the skills and thinking that enabled me to solve the problem at hand were due to the time and effort my Dad had invested in me, teaching me how to build and work on cars. He saved the day years and years ago and the results we got were a direct result of past actions he had taken, without even knowing what the future might hold for us both.

With that in mind, I went inside, got warmed up and asked him what he wanted to do now, since Mom was out for a while. I really wanted to go home, take some medicine and crash for 12 hours, but I felt bad for blowing up and knew he needed some time and input. I can make time for this. This is what is important. He did this for me countless times.

He decided he wanted to get his new (old) truck out and go for a drive. I was surprised! Long story short, he had to have an old truck, as he had sold the other two he restored a few years ago, so we shopped and looked and finally found this beautiful old Chevrolet that he fell in love with as soon as the guy pulled it out of the garage. Little did he know what I had an envelope of cash with me and after an hour of talking Ben's leg off (not that I minded cause the truck was amazing and he certainly was easy on the eyes as well) he decided he wanted it. He took out his wallet and gave Ben $10.00 to "hold it till Monday" which made him laugh and smile at me. I asked Dad if he wanted to drive it home today? He said that no, he couldn't do that as he'd have to go to the bank on Monday for the money, so I just handed Dad the envelope and told him to give it to Ben and get his ten bucks back. Ben took it and asked me what was in it. The whole purchase price in cash, I replied. It was WELL worth it and he certainly could use the money, what with another little kid on the way. This truck was his baby and they had had it since they got engaged. It was so gratifying to do that for him, as there had been so many cars in my life that he made happen for me when I fell in love and didn't have the scratch on me to take them home. Each time I payed him back, but he was always willing to pull the trigger on them, when my eyes and heart said 'yes'.

Dad was thrilled and we took it home that day, after posing for a lot of pictures and letting Ben's wife and kids say goodbye to it. It was their "engagement truck" as his wife had bought it for him in lieu of a ring when they first decided to get married and always been around in the kid's lives. They were so cute. There might have been a few tears shed when we left their long driveway in the country, but man! Can this truck run! :)

And then it sat in the garage and Dad never drove it. He just wanted it.

So when he broached the idea of a drive, I said 'of course' and we got in and went for a ride! I have to admit I was a little bit nervous, as he has a lead foot, but we tooled around city and familiar streets and just talked and laughed and shared stories of times gone by. What a ride! It was just like old times and he came alive and I saw the man I used to know, even for a while. It was the right decision. :)

After we got back to their house, he decided instead of me cooking, he wanted to go out and get a steak, so we bundled up into my little car and head west and ate some seriously good food. What a great unplanned evening that I would have missed if I had let sickness and fatigue get the better of me. The spaces we make for those we love are often inhabited by the mundane and normal, the usual grind of life and duty, but sometimes, when you are the least prepared, even in the wrong state of mind and body, these gleaming treasures and shining moments appear to be enjoyed thoroughly in the moment, present to the love and you grab onto them with both hands and just live.

Find those moments in your life. Live them. Love one another.

daemon

Simple day. Feeling Better.

Ahhhh...coffee. This morning's brew in the Moka Pot is Cafe Bustelo espresso, a change from my
usual of late, Medaglia D'Oro. In proper strength, I will rate this one delicious, though a bit more subtle roast. In the last three days, I have managed to sleep for 36 hours and I have to say I am feeling much better, though my voice still hasn't come back entirely, so I sound an odd mix of James Earl Jones and Fieval Mousekewitz. (An "American Tail" reference for you other 90's kids.)

Some strain of something bit me a few days ago and got progressively worse, but I stuck it out and just completed my routine of work and then crashed each day to sleep through till the morning, fortified of course, by some OTC meds and various vitamins and copious amounts of water. I have to say, considering, I feel pretty fantastic for a Saturday morning! I am ready to get this day started!

The day is pretty much an open book, though I do have an appointment at 11 am which might take an hour or so. I saw this morning that the Westport Flea Market (Restaurant, Best Burger in Missouri) That they are offering their burgers for for $1.99, which was the price in 1969. That is a pretty good deal and while I am not one to usually shop for specials, instead preferring to eat at home or simply dine out for whatever I am craving, I know this will appeal to the thrifty soul of my friend and his partner. When the sun is up, I will throw him a text and see if he wants to meet for a late lunch or early dinner. Same guys I saw "The Greatest Showman" with on the last day of the year. Great friends both and a huge asset and boon to my life. Odd how we met and cultivated the relationships we have, but that is a story for another day.

Body is tight. Just ran through a series of stretches and light lifts and it tells that I have been lying immobile for quiet some time over the last three days. Odd how while growing up, I never considered my body and its daily performance, as it always did what I asked and more without any real maintenance needed. As time goes by, I am learning that not playing sports on the daily certainly takes its toll on even some of the simplest tasks, so this past year has found me working out more and more. It is good to see gains and improvements and would be pretty neat to be able to fit into my original uniforms from the Navy at year end. My frame is still the same, though I have added a lot more mass to my shoulders and legs over the years. We shall see.

I think a visit to my favorite local coffee shop is in order this morning. It has been a while since I sat, caught up with local regulars and simply watched the city wake up from the much loved vantage point. Maybe some reading in one of the books I am working on and simply taking in the both familiar and new sights of faces known and new. I believe that works for this morning. I wish it was warm enough to wash and wax the car, but I will save that for the warmer weather tomorrow.

It is good to be writing again, though I can decipher that my skills have waned and I am not yet ready to delve into the world of emotion and experience that often marked my last scribings here. All in good time I guess? It is kind of like anything, it takes practice to keep on top of it and I am certainly a bit rusty, but am glad to be exercising these free thinking mental muscles again. When words flow, it's a good thing.

Not a lot of note this morning from me. I am just getting back in the swing of things and doing some R and R with the body in recovery from whatever bug it was that got me. All is well here and I am sure something will strike me today that I will share later. Coffee, appointment, some football and burgers with friends. Sounds like a good and simple day. Cheers!

daemon

This new Space of Mine

 Stretching it out, quite early in the morning here. Woke up at 1:30 am after crashing last night directly after work. I had intended to take a short nap and then get up to cook dinner and finish a few things around the house, but my body had other plans. I must have been worn out! Feeling great this morning and starting my day off to an early beginning. I spent almost a full hour with intense stretching and then did a light work out. I am now finishing up some laundry that got postponed by my long nap last evening. Household tasks are never done it seems.What is today? Thursday? Yep. It is going to be my busiest day of the week but I love the rush that it brings. All of the People are back, filling the Two Towers after their long holiday breaks and vacations and this is where we start kicking ass and taking names! I am going to need my dancing shoes on for this day, as the last month has been quiet a leisurely pace. I know it's going to be a fun but busy service today.

I guess now is a good a time as any to throw in a short update on my career progress mentioned in my bio over there to the left. New look to the page now, so its hidden in the flip out tab to the left. Nifty. Let's see...when I left off here I was at the hotel primarily working full service breakfast and large catering events. From that location, I moved to the large Corporate location across the state line in a transfer and went from breakfast for 170 rooms a day to over 450. Needless to say, it was quite a change, but my Chef there was amazing and helped me develop and scale my skills to the larger demands, as well as taking the time to help me hone and perfect my techniques and base knowledge of core principles in managing heat and ingredient manipulation. Our large events became even more diverse and I spent a lot of time doing detail work for the multi-course plated lunches, dinners and celebrations.

Then life happened.

That simple phrase is so loaded with import and difference. I, at some point, will address and elaborate on those three years, but for now, that time and space shall rest in the quiet, till I find my own thoughts and words to express it accurately and with integrity. It largely remains a mystery to both me and those who surround me.

One day, at the beginning of last year, I received a call from an old friend I had cooked with in the past. He wanted to know if I was still slinging knives and  pouding plates in a kitchen. I told him that I was and still enjoying it and asked what was on his mind? He explained that he had found an opportunity in a large operation for a locally based international company that involved running eight inclusive restaurants in a new built campus. Daily demands at the present of opening was to be scaled for 2,000 occupants with an ongoing project over the next four years to encompass six more buildings and approximately 16,000 clients to feed and entertain on a daily basis, not including on site and off site catering.

Here was the kicker. 

The schedule was to be Monday through Friday, no evenings or weekends, except in the case of special events, which were staffed on a voluntary basis.

"Banker's hours" for a culinary position are the Holy Grail. Better yet, they are a Unicorn and almost completely unheard of, especially given my intermediate skills and relative inexperience compared to those who chose this life from an early age.

Was I interested?

Um..hell, yes!

Over the next month, I went through the process and vetting of acquiring a position with this company. It was rather rigorous, as the work that they do on location is of a sensitive and classified/proprietary nature. Having received and held my clearances in the Navy, I was not worried from a security standpoint, but worried how my slight four years of experience would hold up to scrutiny. Each door, though, kept opening and I found myself at my final interview with the Executive Chef that I currently report to. I had an entire notebook of questions, as well as my portfolio with me, but we never got that far.  After a brief blunder where he mistook me for an investment banker there on business due to my dress,  and some small talk, he simply mentioned a figure and benefits and asked me if I would like to start that Monday. I found out later that any questions he might have had about me personally or professionally were intimately address in the file he had in front of him and had perused and discussed with others.

So I got the job.

It has been an exciting and education adventure ever since. This next month will mark my one year anniversary with the Company and ground breaking construction has commenced on the second Two Towers to be completed in roughly 18 months. We have eight different restaurants and concepts in the current Two Towers, menus changing every week, as well as catering and party facilities for 3,000 plus. Each restaurant has its own kitchen and staff, as well as a massive Main Kitchen for support. The catering facility another kitchen as well and every single piece of equipment is brand new and state of the art in the culinary world. Some of them I had never even seen before. I have been here since the building opened and have taken part in the research, testing, implementation and opening of three of the restaurants here. We have no budget limitations on ingredient purchases and our menus and recipes are only limited to our creativity and imagination, within nutritional reasoning. We even have a service that comes in and replaces out knives each week.

Did I mention that I work Monday through Friday, with the rare evening event or weekend? :)

Needless to say, I am thrilled, ecstatic, overwhelmed and enthused!

I am so thankful to my friend for thinking of me when this opportunity presented itself. He truly did make a call that changed my quality of life. I had the groundwork and skills laid in place over the last years of working my way up in a completely new career field and when I was almost ready, the chance appeared and I grabbed for it.

So that is what fills my days now and I couldn't be more happy. (Well, I could, but involves a very large sailboat and open ocean) As long as this keeps bringing a smile to my face, a rush to my mind and teaching me new things about myself and others, I will stay with it. It has been an interesting ride so far, this safari into the Culinary World and I will ride the tiger till the next adventure presents itself. It fulfills and exceeds my expectations, both in compensation, benefits and opportunities for personal growth. It is not without its challenges, but it gets me out of bed every morning with a spring in my step, a mind full of possibility and the drive to succeed.

I call that a good thing.

Now, I am going to fold some clothes, cut my hair, take a shower and shave and get ready to tackle this day. I hope your day is full of promise to. Life can be glorious. Make today magnificent.

daemon

More thoughts

I like these quiet times in the morning. They are usually filled with some task to complete as I usually try to tackle one thing each morning to put me further ahead, be it cleaning, organizing or simply practicing a new song on my piano. If I get something done before I leave for work, it makes my day that much better. But this morning, besides the mundane every day tasks of getting ready and preparing for a short week at work, I have simply been listening to music, sipping my coffee, with my feet literally up on my desk.

Not a bad way to start the day.

Something I tried this last month was to stop watching television in the evenings. Many nights, after dinner, I would read a few chapters in whatever book I was working on but more often than not, I would sit quietly and listen to music. Hours of it in fact. It certainly made a change for me in my mood and how I would sleep at night. Many times, I would find myself singing along or humming when I didn't know the words but could follow the tune. I think it is a practice I am going to continue for a while. I can't say that I missed anything and know that I have gained much more than I have lost. There is something peaceful about simply listening and seeing where that takes you in time and place.

This week is going to be wild at work. We have all the employees returning from vacation and holiday breaks and the volume of prep and service will increase ten fold. I have to admit, I am looking forward to it, to the rush and thrill that comes from performance at peak volume and the satisfaction of a job well done when you walk away for the day. I have already been making lists in my head this morning and am thankful that Kevin went in yesterday to get the produce, meat, bread and dry goods order put away and organized in preparation for a busy week. That kid is awesome and getting better as time goes by. Glad we decided to put him in a white coat. He has certainly risen to the occasion.

I realize I am going to have to take some time to post an update, both in my profile, as well as here in posts, to bring others and even myself up to speed on the life changes that have occurred in the last four years during my writing hiatus. I really never stopped writing, but all those words and adventures are confined to the volumes of journals that joined all the others on the shelves from the past. I shifted from the blog to handwriting for a while due to many circumstances, and I will tackle that beast of a story at a later time. Promise.

This music has got me ready and pumped for the day, though I have to attribute some of that to a good stretch, and all the coffee that I ingested over the last hour. It is going to be a great day! I truly hope, whoever, wherever you are, that you have a fantastic one as well. Thanks for reading these words and sharing even just a bit of my life. Let's go do this!

daemon

Up and at 'Em

My body decided that 1:30 am was time to start my day, so after a moment's pause and double checking with my lizard brain, I decided to comply. I had enough rest and was ready to go. So now I sit here, a few hours before I have to leave for work, showered, shaved, dressed and coffee'd. Trash is collected and ready to set out and I am listening to the soundtrack to "The Greatest Showman", which is my latest ear worm. "A Million Dreams" is playing and I am taking a moment to reflect on my own childhood and coming of age. The almost full moon is shining bright enough through the window to leave faint shadows on the hardwood floor and all is at peace.

Take a listen if you like. I wonder where this song might take you? I'll wait.

While considering what I might write about this morning, an analogy I had come across the other day came to mind and I thought I would mention it, as it had been on my mind, specifically considering how I react to situations at work and dealing with friends and family.



"You are holding a cup of coffee when someone comes along and shoves you or shakes your arm, making you spill coffee everywhere.

Why did you spill the coffee?

'Well because someone bumped into me, of course!' you reply.

Wrong answer.

You spilled the coffee because coffee was in your cup.

If tea had been it, you would have spilled tea.

Whatever is inside of you will come out.

Whatever is inside the cup is what will come out.

So we have to ask ourselves...'What's in my cup?' "

This one has stuck with me and I am still considering its implications. Nothing incredibly profound, just musing about how I respond to interruption and changes in plans, which happen often. I am going to leave that here for now and come back in a moment. It is just what is on my mind and I want to listen to some more music without trying in vain to figure out how to remove this double spacing. Much easier to just start another post.

daemon

Writing again

And so it begins. I can see the sun coming in like quiet gold through the blinds and I am sitting here, listening to quiet music and drinking some strong coffee made in my Moka Pot, as I do most mornings. It is -11 degrees outside and today is a day off from work.

While standing outside, the realization hit me that in the past year, I had been turned outward. To others, to family, to friends, to work and all those things that exist outside of me but had rarely taken a moments pause to consider myself in the fantastic bustle of it all.

There were times I considered writing about an event, or as a thought had come to be about some mundane thing, the things that I inordinately take great interest in. But those promptings were fleeting and often set to the side in the light of another task to be completed or other face to seek.

Today belongs to me. There are no plans. Nothing laid down and agreed with others to complete sits before me.

And I am okay with that.

How to start again here and update the world at large, or small, of my comings and goings? I think I will leave that momentous task to time and space. As I write and ponder, I am sure that events will fill themselves in self evidently and for those that are missed and glossed over in the telling, maybe that is for the best? It is kind of the manner of how our memory and mind works. The things of note find themselves ordered first and others fall away, only to be recalled when a certain song, time or place brings them to the front screen of our consciousness.

Had to change the music, as it kept trying to play Christmas carols. I guess I could un-decorate today. I may or may not do that. Either way, it will get done eventually. The decorations hold a certain hushed cheer of all the time spent together with family and friends. It certainly was a great Christmas. one that I will cherish.

I closed out last year by going to the movie with some dear friends and then enjoying lunch. The afternoon found me running food to my parents. What with the bitter cold and all, I did not want them having to get out and know that even they tire of my cooking at times. The evening was spent with my Dad, talking, watching football and then becoming engrossed in yet another BBC program that he finds fascinating as it exercises his mind. All the invites to different parties were laid aside. I felt he came first and decided to spend my time with him. How many the times he has done that for me.

He had some rather severe strokes last year. I was with him when they started happening and they eventually took his speech and put him in the hospital for a few weeks. He found his voice again, and while his mind is as sharp as ever, the lasting effects of these has left him a bit less than who he was at one time. The words don't come out right. Ideas can become jumbled and his short term memory flickers like a worn light bulb in a way that frustrates him greatly. I have learned and am learning to become his eyes and ears, his memory and translator when the words are lost and missing or confusingly jumbled. In a way, it has made me a part of him and him of me. I will carry him now, as he so often carried me while growing up. I have more thoughts on all of that, but will share them at some other time. It is hard watching your hero fade. He is the fulcrum uponwhich I learned to move worlds.

I don't know what I hope to accomplish by writing again. If nothing else, I will use this as an outlet to assort my jumbled thoughts and possibly lay some order to the whirlwind that my life so often becomes. Last year was a good year, even a great year. I did what I set out to do and even more. I am content with that one and am looking forward to this one that is before me.

That is all for right now I believe. There are a few tasks to do. Get ready for the day. Shave my face. Fill the bird feeders and check on all the four wheeled machines in the garage. I have a solid, quiet feeling that this year is going to be another great one. The foundation is laid, I just have to keep building. I am bringing to bear, in slowly building force, all that I am, have been and always knew that I had and could be. It is a quiet storm, but it moves me. Greatly.

Happy New Year, people. Let's make it grand. I hope you'll walk with me here.

daemon