The problems and frustrations that I am experiencing in my little life right now that pertain to church, God, relationships with others, materialism and sex have more to do with myself than the outside influences around me. There is a problem inside of me and I think it has its roots in pride and selfishness.
I have been living for me, while something inside of me knows, by instinct, that this is wrong or at least skewed.
Church and what they are teaching there is not the problem. My lack of prayer, daily Bible reading, dis-interest in fellowship with other believers, compromise in personal choices all add up to responsibilities that I have been shirking and then blaming others for the ultimate consequences and fall out. It is a childish position on my part and smacks of a victim mentality that I abhor in others.
Funny that. The very things that often bother us in other people are the very things that we can spot easily since the traces and clues of their existence lie with in our own selves.
I really do have to fly out the door to work now. I am showered, fed, coffeed (if that is a word) and at least got my game face on and my nutz emptied for a long double shift at the restaurant. I will continue with these thoughts later and hope to get back on the right track mentally and spiritually by my birthday, which is fast approaching.
While these observations are troubling to me, I am glad to have at least a point plotted on the chart of where I am versus where I would like to be. Not so much where I am, but who I am. I have much to think on today. As long as nothing amazing (read cute guy) crosses my path before these circumstances are rectified (as they were not prior to Michael) then possibly this year still has the chance of starting out on the right foot, after wasting soooo much time and money on myself this last year.
Okay...got to dash. Love you all and covet some prayers, if that is your thing.
Daemon
I find myself turning to your blog every couple days. Your honesty and depth are so refreshing.
ReplyDeleteI liked this post. It's wonderful to me how God sometimes whispers to us in the middle of the night or early in the morning, awakening us to new realizations, bringing us to have a "change of heart" or to "turn to him". Those are the root meaning of "repent", and I'm happy you are experiencing that, just as I am always happy when God zaps me.
It's true, ultimately we belong to our dear and noble Lord.
You know your heart better than anyone else, so I won't argue with you about selfishness. We all struggle with that, I reckon.
I will say that this is not an "either-or" situation. Some churches really do preach and teach toxic stuff. That's a reality it would be foolish to ignore when too many churches are smug in their anti-homosexual smugness. On the other hand, it's also true that we sinner-saints sometimes focus too much on ourselves and not on the One who loves us so dearly and with such transforming strength.
Praying is one of my things, so I will pray for Christ to fill your soul with wisdom and heavenly power. I'll also pray that soon you may meet a cute guy who is engaging to you *and* who loves God very much. I'm sure such devoted, attractive Christian guys do exist. :)
michael e