Tuesday, January 4, 2011

The Night Watch

After dinner tonight, I slept hard and now have woke up to the wee hours of the morning. Wiling away this time reading, writing, listening to good music, chatting with friends from around the world as they pop online. I have missed the night time. With all the work and schedule changes, most nights find me sacked out till day break, or working away the minutes, wishing I was someone else, somewhere else. Round and round it goes it seems.

The last few days have found me to be a bit emotionally fragile, I think is how I described it to a friend. Something different I guess? Maybe it is from the holidays wringing me out, and all the added hours of work, lack of time to process and hang with friends from church. I am not really sure. I guess I am feeling a bit more about everything, if that makes any sense at all.

It is now almost 3 am and my mind is ticking. I originally wanted to write about class warfare tonight, but don't really have all my thoughts and ideas in order for that. It was prompted from an ongoing conversation and discussion some friends of mine have been having. People certainly do have strong opinions about money it seems. I will have to come back to that one.

I wonder sometimes, if dreams normally come at this time of the night, when I and most people are normally asleep, does this mean by staying up I am able to capture the creativity and spark of those moments while awake? I know that when I stay up all night to see the sunrise my mind moves differently. Like I understand more, am more real and visceral? Anyone ever feel like that?

Rambling I am sure, as usual, but it does feel good to get behind the keyboard and kind of unwind a bit. Missed church last Sunday since I partied too hard the night before and had to sleep in to reach an acceptable level of mind and body happy before work. Stupid choices I make at times, trying to please too many people. I feel obligated at times to show the flag, make the rounds, support my friends and all that, but at what cost?

Church lately has felt different. I miss Tim and Shane, my pastors. So many different people speaking, so many directions and somehow I feel like I am getting lost in the crowd again. I don't have Wednesday nights off for home group, so have missed them and now when I do get to church, it's not the same. People know me, sure. I have friends that care about me, but I find myself pulling further and further away from them. Putting a smile on my face, wiping away the tears and walking on out. Where are the connections going? What season of my life is this? Does anyone truly give a fuck?

I hear stuff there that sounds nice, but of what use is it in my life? Am I just going through the motions? If I were to never go back, who are the ones who would notice and what would they even do? Am I rooted and connected in that community as I once was, or am I slowly slipping away to somewhere, some when else? The winds of change are blowing it seems, in more than one area of my life.

Thinking lately about dating again. Have been asked out several times in the last few months, but really unsure about where my head and heart is in all of that. The guys are great. I have built some great friendships, but I just don't know if I have the time and energy to truly welcome someone into my life at the moment. I have never been one to just casually date around. If I am interested, that guy has my undivided attention till I know what is going on there. Guess I haven't felt that 'spark' with any of them yet, but I also don't think I have let myself think about it too much or feel anything either. It still has only been since September and I think some more healing, time and space is in order to be fair to myself and to them?

So yeah, I have work squared away. Enrolled in school for the fall. Planning trips for the spring and summer. Got the holidays out of the way. Anticipation seems to be one thing on my lips and in my heart...but also like I am waiting for something or some one to happen. Ever feel that way? I'll shut up now.


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