Digging out!

Friday night finds me here at home piecing together the last few weeks of my life in hopes of finding an answer to the place I find myself. A 'state of the union' address, not for my friends and readers, per se, but more of a way to put my thoughts into words in order to gain some clarification through the perusal of my current circumstances. I am firmly convinced if I put my mind to it and sit here and write, some clarity may come to me. I have got to break this gridlock in my mind and heart. Blew off a buddies birthday party to spend some time with myself tonight and think. He is having another one tomorrow night, anyway, so will catch up with the guys then. Less girls, less drama, me thinks?

Each year starts with my birthday and with that comes the reviewing of the past year and the decisions and events that have transpired. I guess I can dissect each area of my life and try to grasp this wind that seems to be blowing in my soul.

My conscience seems to be tightly tuned like a violin these days. So many different ideas and thoughts on my faith. I guess talking about God and my relationship with Him and others is a feasible place to start. The easy way to say it is, I am losing faith, if I ever had it in the first place. Now, don't get me wrong, I still believe in God and would consider myself a 'christian', but the definition of that in my mind is slowly changing, the more I observe and serve with those in my life that also align themselves alongside the faith of the gospel found in the Bible. While it is easy to find the inconsistency and contradiction in others lives and practice, it is much more difficult to sound out those untrue places in my life. Turing that high powered perception on oneself is a a scary thing at times. I am not quite sure what I believe. I always took the Bible to be God's word. This is what I was taught, this is what I ultimately believed. The content found inside its pages is what led me to an eventual belief in God later in my life. The problem I am running into is all the different interpretations and ideas that others have attached to this book over the countless years it has been around. Are there really as many brands of Jesus as their is toothpaste? I guess the dogma and tradition of others has reached a breaking point in my life and I refuse to believe or live out anything towards others or in my internal life that does not ring of truth and authenticity. If I do not believe in it, I am not doing it. It is that simple.

In common speak, it all 'sounds' really good, but there is much of it that does not work in reality. God seems to be a confusing being, who keeps changing His mind and plans about things. First he wants the Jews, then He decided since His Son was eventually rejected by them, "Screw you guys, here is the mystery of the Church! The Truth is now being offered to the Gentiles, maybe they will believe in me?"

And we have been in this mess, arguing continually over the writings of people long gone for the last few thousand years. Some guys wrote some stuff down (authenticated by the Holy Spirit, according to what they wrote which seems hardly a statement of credibility? This is true because it is true...) and then a long time after that a bunch of other church guys scraped all those writing together, discarding some, adding others into what we see now as the Bible. This then was translated from language to language, culture to culture to what I have now, bound in worn leather on my desk. Is God big enough to keep some integrity to the words he wanted preserved? I think He is. Do I believe that man never interfered with this process? I do not. Why in the world were some 'gospels' and letters from guys who knew/knew of Jesus then placed together and called God's words? Why does much of it not make any sense to us in today's culture and in light of our grasp of history and science? The questions I have about doctrine and accuracy could go on and on and I guess the bottom line is, do I believe it or not? My honest answer right now, this night, is I do not know. I have blindly followed it and others in the past few years and feel that it has got me to this destination; more questions than answers and smack dab in the middle of no where. Fantastic work guys, I really appreciate it. (extreme sarcasm noted)

Moving on to my life. I work too much, as I have in the past, but I think it is good for me right now. It keeps me busy, lets me save money for the future and also keeps my free time tied up and gives me less of a chance to wander off too far and get into trouble. I am loving being back in the restaurant business but with it also comes the inevitable drama and petty intrigue that seems to haunt the service industry. It really all does come down to cash, sex and secrets. That is the best way to describe the dysfunctional little families that all restaurants are and eventually become. I love my job. I look forward to an extended stay in this business in the future. I just hope I can come out the other side with my goals met, more money in the bank and my sanity and integrity intact.

Dating...? I can't say I am looking, and I can't say I have my eyes shut either. Single life does NOT suit me well at all. Have I learned some lessons about this process over the years? Yes. Do I want to make the same mistakes? No. Do I see myself with a partner in life? Yes. That is all I know right now. I am tired of being the pursuer. I have always taken the initiative and been aggressive in going after who/what I want. I have also always got what I wanted, but in the end, even after years of a relationship, life and time always seem to take them away from me. I guess I am sitting back and am available, but I refuse (while in my right mind) to ask any guy out right now. I would like to be asked out for once. I would like someone else to lead in this dance. I am done hunting. While I have seen interest in me on several guys part in the past few months, there is no spark there, no 'it' factor. It is usually some chemistry/sexual thing or more of a human curiosity in someone unlike themselves. That thing that makes me stop in my tracks internally or physically and truly want to know another guy. Why do his eyes look like that? What is he thinking when he stares off into middle space? So I guess this is on hold too, until some jack ass gets up the nerve to do what I have been doing my whole life and introducing himself like a gentleman and asking me out. I like my own company but have always preferred to share my life. Where the hell is he?

School starts this Fall. I am both excited and terrified. It is a private liberal arts school that is terribly conservative. (we are talking Sarah Palin crazy here people) What the heck was/am I thinking? I am going to keep pursuing this and if God does not want me there, I hope he cock blocks me in some fashion. I want to study Culinary and this seems like a great opportunity. Will I love the school or hate it? Probably a little bit of both. I am going to have to learn how to bite my tongue when it comes to philosophy and politics and get the education that I am there for. Will I have a fun time along the way? Of course! I am Daemon after all! :)

Family is doing well. Little sis is in Jamaica doing her medical and social missions work with orphans. Older bro is making money hand over fist and taking care of his insane, hot wife and beautiful little daughter. Dad and Mom are doing what they do best, dating each other and basically being a hot mess. Dad is still working on his hot rods, Mom is busy with the societies and all the other family obligations that come with our name. I look forward to going back East with them next year for the Congress and an extended vacation on the Cape and in the Vineyard. Home life with those I am related to is going well, though they can't help but wonder what next crazy adventure I am going to head out on. I have lived in the same place for over 4 years now...and that is a lifetime for me. The wander lust will strike again soon, I am sure.

Friends...my friends are crazy. Whether they are helping me dig my car out of a snow drift in the middle of a blizzard, piling up four deep in a bed to watch a movie and sleep, buying us all just one more round, going shopping for that perfect belt or pair of shoes, sitting down over coffee for a good talk, always answering the phone and random texts I send out at all hours, giving me a bone crushing hug just when I need one, or simply making space for me to learn myself all over again...I am truly thankful for their presence and love. I am truly rich when it comes to companions that walk this life, arm in arm, shoulder to shoulder, hand in hand, shotgun riders all the way. Thank you, Pookie, Snogs and Peterbuilt!

Ima shut up now. But I do feel better about life, just by rambling here, way too long, to all of you! Thanks for reading, or not reading. Some of you just like the pretty pictures! In truth...so do I. Ciao!

Daemon