There are times when a certain amount of clarity strikes me and the words unfold onto the page in a way that is pleasing to my eyes and inner voice, but all too often is the case that they are just mashed up in my head as I live them, like crumpled up papers next to the waste can that never quite made it over the rim. So I guess what I will do instead this evening is unfold a few of those wadded up cast offs and relate them here in some kind of odd list O' my life. Here we go!
1. Family: The holidays are over, finally and life is returning to a somewhat normal pace. I spent some time tonight taking down my Christmas tree and packing away all the decorations and that was a bitter sweet moment as always. I truly love that time of the year, not just for the things we celebrate, but also for the moments spent with family and friends, sharing and exchanging each others time as gifts just as precious as those we carefully selected and wrapped. (or as in the case with my Dad's gift, I simply stapled it up in brown paper and smacked a bow on it, cause there was no way I could find a box for it! He still loved it, I could tell.) Packing away the ornaments lets me take a moment to reflect on this last Christmas as well as those past, so it is kind of a trip down memory lane I look forward to and also dread each time this year. My family is doing well, I am happy to report. Dad and Mom are still smashingly in love after over 45 years now. My brother, his wife and little girl were able to join us and spend more time than usual.(her crazy huge Italian family normally hogs up all the family time, though I love them all to death.) Bernice (my parents 97 year old neighbor) came over for dinner and presents and she sure is a part of our family. She watched us all grow up there since the 80's and now that all my grandparents are gone, she stands in their stead with her own special brand of love. My sister of course was there. We got to do a whirlwind shopping trip for a case of wine, a card for my brothers camera and some Glad containers on Christmas Eve, no less. It was nuts! I really don't get to see my siblings much now that we are older and have our own lives, but I do love them and enjoy the time we do get. When I was gone in the Navy, they all became really close and life kind of passed me by. I do not do much with them, as they do each other and there are times I envy them that bond, but that is the way it goes. They have been reaching out more, and if I was not so busy with my own stuff, maybe we would be closer? All the extended family is doing well. We are all blessed with great health this far and there is not much more I could ask for. I love them, they love me. It is as it should be. This is one of the HUGE things I am grateful for. A family that knows me and loves me in spite of myself...lol
2. Church: This isn't going so well. I guess my relationship with God falls under this heading too, but I will bunch it all together. In a nutshell, I am not growing at Church and me and God are not talking much lately. I am really frustrated and pissed off at Him for some things and I am finding more questions in life about spiritual stuff than I am answers. I know in this area I am also to blame as my life is my responsibility, but I am kind of fed up lately with 'christians' or 'church' or whatever you want to call it. God stuff. I am tired of the God stuff. Church seems fake to me. I do not understand/believe much of what is being peddled and I know I am nothing like I was when I first realized that I did have faith. I don't really know how to describe it all, but I am just dis-illusioned by it all. The people, the practices, the made up crap...all of it. I am going to be visiting a new church this Sunday at a friends recommend and I certainly hope I hear something worth listening to, besides some happy crappy fluff bit thrown together to fill time and tickle ears. I don't think I have grown much in the past few years and I want to see some changes in my life, but feel pretty damn powerless. So yeah, church, God...it is all crap right now, as if you couldn't tell from some of my posts lately?
Eh...I am getting tired now. I will come back later and either finish, or just start writing something else completely different. I want to hit the shower, climb naked into my bed, snuggle up under the covers, bury my head in the pillows and sleep...and that is exactly what I am going to do now. Good night!
Daemon
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