Thursday, August 18, 2011


Being ill the last week certainly has me in a strange frame of mind. My time each day is split between sleeping and work which leaves little time for life as usual. Each day I roll out of bed around 3 am and hopping into a steaming hot shower desperately try to clear my lungs and eyes of all the gunk that comes with this particular bug. My brain normally boots up and is operating at speed in about 30 minutes and now it is taking me about 2 hours to accomplish the same task. Part of it is the sickness and the other portion is the weird, lingering effects of the medicine my doc prescribed for the congestion and cough. It has to be some kind of dis-associative because I feel severely disconnected and out of it for hours, even after a dose has worn off. I cannot say that I am a fan, though I cannot argue with the steady but slow improvement of my symptoms. I never knew one could feel so sore and bruised from coughing and sleeping! My back and neck need some serious attention, stat!

The oddness of this week has been compounded by the sudden stillness and quiet of my social life. Sure, I understand that I am hibernating all of my free time, but my home phone, cell phone, email and even snail mail have suddenly become eerily without a sound, voice mail, text, message or even letters. It is as if without my proactive involvement in others lives has made me invisible to my friends and family? Matt and Lucas are in Washington D.C on vacation together and school is starting for many friends that attend and teach, so that I can understand. But what of my family, my close friends, church friends, all the guys who I hang with on a weekly basis? Maybe I am worrying for nothing, but I can't help but wonder if I matter. I know this med/sick stuff is playing with my emotions but it still has me in a bit of a slump. I is lonely.

This weekend is looking to be crazy busy. Work of course, all day every day, and then Ryan's B-day party at the Foundry with the JW crew, then Mick's going away party at 303 all on Saturday night after a 12 hour work day. Other note of concern: I asked a friend Jeff to come to the parties with me. Figured he would like to meet some more of my friends and see a bit of my life and I am getting the feeling that he thinks that this is a "date". Nothing firm in my head, just the way he talks about it and the tone of his texts. I certainly did not ask him on a date and I am not really sure if he understands the situation I am currently in with James. I do need to get that straightened out before Saturday night, or I might have all kinds of awkwardness on my hands. *sigh*

The one ray of hope is that "in theory" I am supposed to have all day Sunday off for church and hanging with friends without worrying about recipes, kitchens, my staff or planning menus and events. This is contingent of course on me finding someone to cover all of Andy's shifts but Bill (my GM) said that he would help with some muscle to get it done. We shall see...

Speaking of awkward, I had to work with Zachary all day today. Not sure if I blogged about it but long story short, he is one of my kitchen guys who came onto me via text, out of the blue. Like graphic, sexual stuff that I would NEVER have expected from a young str8 guy like him, with a girlfriend, no less. I felt I had dealt with that firmly and politely by addressing our current relationships, the inappropriateness of the workplace, my status as his boss, the disparity in age and a whole host of other things that popped into my head, after I considered sleeping with him. For the next few weeks he was pretty quiet and kind of spooked around me but has now reverted back to his normal playful antics, just with a layer of sexual tension slathered on top. He continues to invade my space, tease me and generally make me uncomfortable. Is it harassment if part of me likes the attention and still entertains foolish thoughts about hooking up with him?

One of the reasons I have kind of spelled it out here and to other close friends of mine is to provide some accountability for myself and to get feedback on how to handle the whole mess. I know me. I am a dog and if I didn't give a shout out I know what easily could happen and how bad it all could go for us both. I did NOT need something like this to deal with. I do find him attractive and in a different place, with a vastly different set of circumstances, sure...I'd nail him. I think we may need to have another conversation about this. Not going to be fun at all. I really do like the guy, I just cannot afford the distraction and tension.

Riffing off of that, what did you think of that short film? A friend shared it with me and it kind of played into a lot of what I have experienced in life, both at school, at college, in the Navy and now. There are a lot of guys who have sex with guys who do not consider themselves bisexual or gay, at least how we define it here in the United States. They prefer to live in the gray areas of sexuality and be with whomever they are with or find attractive, regardless of plumbing. I slept with a lot of them growing up. It was never that confusing for me but I wonder what their world view is on love, relationship and romance. How do they define themselves to themselves?

Are they truly more free or open minded than even I am? I consider myself defined as a gay guy. This is the only orientation I have ever experienced in my life. I am emotionally (most important) and physically attracted to other males. I do not and have never desired a relationship or sex with a girl. Unlike some of my friends, I do not think I am even open to that idea not on any count, physically or romantically. In my life, I habitually have encountered guys who just live without labels. They consider themselves as heterosexuals (in theory) and expect to fall in love and raise families with females but still are heteroflexible enough, that given the right circumstances, with the right guy, have no problem with sex with another guy, At least in the moment. The aftermath can get odd at times.

I saw this a lot growing up. Hell, I even participated in it. My school and group of friends from sports and church was rife with it and much of that I chalk up to normal sexual experimentation and exploring boundaries. But now, as adults...where does it fit? Why is it not talked about, if ever? It is kind of an unwritten and unplanned story line that enacts itself over and over in the lives of different guys. You have a moment, something sparks/rushes/hits/ happens, one guy makes a move and it's on. (and no, it wasn't always me!)

Call me weird, but I still cherish and find something beautiful to it all. The experiences I have had with my str8 friends over the years have been some of the most eye opening and self revealing intimate glimpses of myself and someone else. I guess I am just kicking it around in my head, trying to make something fit when it really cannot be defined.

Does it even need to be?

It is what it is.

Well, I am staying in tonight to rest. I have new, crisp sheets for my bed, just out of the laundry. Some Chai is brewing on the stove. I ate some soup and took my meds and I think after a nice hot shower and shave, I am going to turn in. Here's to feeling much better in the morning. :)

I told you this would be random...right up there!


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