Saturday, November 19, 2011

He who loves least...

...controls the relationship.

I stretched hard and rolled out of bed up a short time ago and padded through the house as my brain booted up. I woke up today to the first true weekend off in over five months. A whole Saturday and Sunday to call my own, almost like a normal person. A south wind is blowing warmer air and the sun was already up. Kind of strange for a person for whom days start at three in the morning.

Coffee is brewing and music beckons me to a place where I felt compelled to write. As I sat in my sun room and considered the day, the quote I opened with rose to the surface of my mind.

"He who loves least controls the relationship."

Yesterday after work, I came home, did the weekend chores of laundry and house cleaning and spent some time getting ready to spend these two days with Michael. He gave me a call when he got off work and I headed over in a clean car, all scrubbed and polished for dinner and night out. A bit of a rarity lately, due to our working and life schedules.

I arrived at his house to find him brushing his teeth in the living room and the dogs bouncing all over the place in their excitement to see me. Those little girls have slowly worked their way into my heart and time spent with them is always fantastic. Kirby and Fallon; our own little family, if you will.

He had an errand to run and we headed over to the local hardware store to buy a new cut glass globe for the ceiling fan on his porch. After he carefully decided on one we then turned our thoughts to dinner. Between Mexican food or Chinese we finally settled on headed to the Plaza to one of our favorite Chinese spots. A new men's clothing store had opened, so we spent a bit of time browsing the new collections before deciding that none of this stuff was too our liking and tastes but we did have a good time checking out all the other hot guys there browsing and shopping as we were. :)

Our curiosity sated, we walked arm and arm to our restaurant and decided to pause in the lounge for a drink before we were sat at our favorite table. We paused and talked with strangers and generally just enjoyed each others company. Whether raking leaves, taking a road trip, snuggling on the couch, or wandering around the city, the best part of it all is just being together. He is my sunshine. When we are together, everything is better. I may falter at times but one glimpse of that smile or touch and I know all is right with the world, even for a bit.

After a cocktail, we were sat and ordered our appetizers and spent some time people watching. Our usual table is this ginormous circle booth that could seat 8 that sits on a slightly raised platform with a great view of the Plaza and the restaurant. I guess it is our own version of a life simple movie and we enjoy just watching others and telling ourselves stories about the people we see. Cody, our server, knows us well enough to attend to everything we need with minimal talk and we had a fantastic dinner.

We decided to go out for a change instead of heading home and dropped by a few new places and enjoyed the music, danced a bit and shared time with friends. He was really talkative last night and I just simply listened and was content to be with him. Where his is, I am happy.

In the midst of it all, I realized, that we were in love and had been for quite some time. Now that idea may seem strange considering our plans and relationship and it was not a revelation to me. It is something I knew and simply looking at our lives would show that fact. We fit and we have since that very first night that we met. There has never been any question about our compatibility and affection for each other. That is not to say we haven't had our own challenges and adventures, but I love this man and he loves me. Together we are greater than the sum of our parts.

And then...while lost in half thought while listening to him ramble about German cars and his desire for a new convertible I realized... I love him so much more and so deeply than he ever can me. I know he loves me. He shows this in all that he does, in every choice and action and is always quick to tell me this in the words I can understand and by his touch and  simple gestures, but I love him more.

I told him last night that if I could afford anything in this world he would ever want, I would gladly give it to him, just to see him smile ever the more.

It is not earth shattering. This was no epiphany. It was simply the realization that, I love him more, so much greater than any way that he cares for me. I understand the inequity. There is so much past, experiences and realities on his side of the relationship that I can sympathize with him and his place but never truly understand. For him to give me his heart, after all that he has been through and goes through daily, is nothing short of miraculous. In his position, I would be hard pressed to ever open up and reach out to another guy in my entire life. Yet, he chose me and I him.

I just feel at an odd place. I have always been the initiator and aggressor in my relationships. I have always "felt" in charge or at least been allowed to believe so. But here, in this now, I am being led.

Funny thing though...

I trust him. I love him. I want to spend the rest of his life walking beside him. If that means for once I bend into the will of another then I accept.

It is a safe place. This is a partnership.

Does it really matter who leads at times?

So I leave you with this:

Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot, who calls you back when you hang up on him, who will lie under the stars and listen to your heart beat, or will stay awake just to watch you sleep. Wait for the boy who kisses your forehead, who wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweats, who holds your hand in front of his friends, who thinks your just as gorgeous when you wake up with bed head as you are when all polished up. One who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares for you and how lucky he is to have you...the one who turns to his family and friends and says, "That is him."


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