Thinking and praying for John Raux

Moving Mountains : by John Raux

http://johnraux.com/

Peace

I don't have much to say tonight. The day was great. Had some awesome time driving around, listening to worship music, talking to my myself and God. Met some cool new people at the coffee shop too. Writers, artists, ballet dancers, homeless kids...all of 'em.

A friend sent me that message below from Gateway this morning and I reflected on it all day long. My church (www.jacobswellchurch.org) is full of Gods love and accepting of everyone that comes into our community. We are called to minister as a people to the fringe, to making the outsider into the insider. The gospel is for the whole world, not just a select few.

I know that certainly happened in my case. I was the worst, and they loved me, told me to come as I am, and let Jesus do the changing and cleaning. I was never given a list of thou shalt or shalt not, but was encouraged to pray, read the Bible, seek Gods face in my decisions. It is amazing how God works like that.

There is a peace in my life tonight, a calm and rested feeling that comes from being in Gods will, as scary as it may be right now. I know I am doing what I am supposed to be doing.

I reflected on this prayer today as I sat outside. I picked it up from a friend who is at a monastary right now.

Be still and know that I am God.
Be still and know that I am.
Be still and know.
Be still.
Be.

Peace to you all.

Crappy, confusing, jacked up day.

What a horrible day it was. The stuff that I did, when put on paper, looks really good and fun, but the things happening in my head and heart are confusing and make me upset. I am sad and confused about so many things, and it doesn't look like the answers or help are near me anytime soon?

This morning started out with out Men's Breakfast at church. I got up early at 6am, was the first one at the coffee shop and had my usual as the sun rose over the city. I called Stephen to make sure he was out of bed, and he showed up soon at church soon after I pulled in. We all ate and then spent an hour just sharing and talking about what was on our hearts and going on our lives.

There was about 30 guys there and alot of things were discussed. At the beginning I was trying to connect to what people were saying, but they were all talking about marriage, kids, providing for family, so many things I have no experience in at all. Some of the guys talked about the relationships they were in, the good and the bad. Some of the words and storiesthat Jacob and Stephen related really touched me. I finally had some things to say, but chose my words carefully and expressed my need for community, searching for my identity and the vulnerability that comes with making new friends and living authentically.

The whole time everyone was talking, my heart was breaking inside. Stephen and Mark know my story, but no one else at church does, and I feel so alone. Cut off. Distant from all of the these really good, loving and caring guys. I never felt this kind of shame in the past? I was proud of who I was, and now I feel like I have to hide in some kind of quietness. My insides are all twisted up thinking about the community I have lost, relationships that have I have ended and how distant I feel, even when surrounded by friends and good people. When I listen to their problems, I feel like a traitor. If they knew me, they would hate me, and I can't take any more rejection in life. I question if there will ever truly be a place for me anywhere. All they see is my outside. They just see another guy with all his shit together, successfully going somewhere. Sometimes I wish I had "faggot" tattooed on my forehead, so at least people would know where I am coming from. People just assume, based on the way I present, and for once in my life I can understand what some of those closeted guys must feel in life. What the hell am I? A gay Christian? Does that even exist? This is all so jacked up. How will I ever let people in and share my testimony and the struggles I am facing each and every minute of every single day? God...I hate this!

After that, we went to hang out with some of Stephen and Mark's friends at Egg-cetera. It is right across the street from the where the Cabaret (largest gay club in KC) used to be. A place I spent alot of time while I was growing up. Now there is just a big hole there. The developers have torn it to the ground and that big hole is exactly how my heart feels. I feel like I have this gash torn in my soul. So much taken away. Why would God want me to be so unhappy? Why am I single now? Why am I cut off from all the people I used to love and care for? Am I really that bad of a person? This was all playing in my head, the entire time we were talking and laughing. They are a great group of people and just loved on me...but I still think, if they knew me? What would happen then?

Spent another day at the Renaissance Festival with Mark and his friends, even though I just felt like going home and curling up. I know I needed to be with good people, otherwise this loneliness and anxiety would just take me to bad places and wrong choices.

Everywhere we went there were people from my past. Some guys I have dated, guys I have slept with, friends from the clubs and bars, from the community, my bartenders...over and over and over. I just wanted to crawl into my hole. Here I was with all these Christian, normal, good people and how do I explain all of these guys I know, or why I am so uncomfortable and sad? This just killed me today. I feel like crap. How could God love this... whatever I am? Lust was everywhere and my mind took me so many bad places. Just a horrible day, but I had to keep on smiling, ducking and acting like things are ok.

Tonight, we went to church to listen to Edward, a pastor from Nairobi, Kenya, Africa speak about his ministry there...and listening to how an amazing man lets God use him to reach the unwanted and unloved, the untouchables, just broke me in half. Here he is speaking about working with HIV+ and AIDS afflicted people, and inside my heart is screaming, I know people like this! I have friends who are sick. What is wrong with me? Why am I not reaching them? Am I really such a horrible person? I can't even hang out with good friends without my mind dragging me through the gutter and lust and sex filling my head all day.

How do I go to church in the morning? How do I show this face? I prayed with Stephen tonight before we left, but I could feel solid walls going up inside of me. I can't block out the people who love me, but I am scared, hurt and alone. I'm just going to get cleaned up and go to bed.

Decision Time

Today was fantastic and a journey of simple faith! To make a long story short, I interviewed at another amazing company and they made me an offer. I would have my own laboratory and clean room and be working with some cutting edge electronics technology on the chemical manufacturing side. There was also international travel involved and quite a sizable boost to the already generous income I have enjoyed the last five years.

And I had to say...No, thank you.

This last week I made a simple decision, prior to this offer, that whatever my career path may be taking now, I would honor the commitments made to my spiritual growth. The last five years, this has suffered due to my incredibly complex schedule and enormous work load in terms of projects, lack of staffing, and hours logged. Last year alone, I put in over 560 hours of over time. That was an extra 14 weeks of work!

Enough is enough. The schedule they offered me would take me away from church, give me no time for being involved in ministry and crush some of the new Christian friendships I am making and building. This was a hard decision given the current economic climate, but I know that I am not to lay up my treasure here in earth, where moth and dust corrupts, or thieves break in and steal. I need to lay up treasure in heaven, invest in eternal things. The only two things that will last forever is God's Word and the souls of men. This is where my heart lies.

For the last five years I have pursued money, materialism and future security, and I did a damn good job at it. I spent and saved. I acquired and enjoyed. I gave generously to those in need and to ministry, and somehow used that to appease my conscious for the lack of growth and surrender I refused to partake in. I can't buy happiness. Many of the "friends" I had were simply there for the free ride. Yes...it was fun Yes...I could keep doing it. Yes...I love having and keeping and enjoying fine things...but at what cost?

Strangely enough...I have total peace. Tomorrow I will reject the offer officially and in writing and continue on this journey that God has started. My life goals are changing. It is no longer about stepping onto my boat and sailing the world. I want what He wants. Amazing...just freaking amazing. God is good, His mercy endures forever.