What a horrible day it was. The stuff that I did, when put on paper, looks really good and fun, but the things happening in my head and heart are confusing and make me upset. I am sad and confused about so many things, and it doesn't look like the answers or help are near me anytime soon?
This morning started out with out Men's Breakfast at church. I got up early at 6am, was the first one at the coffee shop and had my usual as the sun rose over the city. I called Stephen to make sure he was out of bed, and he showed up soon at church soon after I pulled in. We all ate and then spent an hour just sharing and talking about what was on our hearts and going on our lives.
There was about 30 guys there and alot of things were discussed. At the beginning I was trying to connect to what people were saying, but they were all talking about marriage, kids, providing for family, so many things I have no experience in at all. Some of the guys talked about the relationships they were in, the good and the bad. Some of the words and storiesthat Jacob and Stephen related really touched me. I finally had some things to say, but chose my words carefully and expressed my need for community, searching for my identity and the vulnerability that comes with making new friends and living authentically.
The whole time everyone was talking, my heart was breaking inside. Stephen and Mark know my story, but no one else at church does, and I feel so alone. Cut off. Distant from all of the these really good, loving and caring guys. I never felt this kind of shame in the past? I was proud of who I was, and now I feel like I have to hide in some kind of quietness. My insides are all twisted up thinking about the community I have lost, relationships that have I have ended and how distant I feel, even when surrounded by friends and good people. When I listen to their problems, I feel like a traitor. If they knew me, they would hate me, and I can't take any more rejection in life. I question if there will ever truly be a place for me anywhere. All they see is my outside. They just see another guy with all his shit together, successfully going somewhere. Sometimes I wish I had "faggot" tattooed on my forehead, so at least people would know where I am coming from. People just assume, based on the way I present, and for once in my life I can understand what some of those closeted guys must feel in life. What the hell am I? A gay Christian? Does that even exist? This is all so jacked up. How will I ever let people in and share my testimony and the struggles I am facing each and every minute of every single day? God...I hate this!
After that, we went to hang out with some of Stephen and Mark's friends at Egg-cetera. It is right across the street from the where the Cabaret (largest gay club in KC) used to be. A place I spent alot of time while I was growing up. Now there is just a big hole there. The developers have torn it to the ground and that big hole is exactly how my heart feels. I feel like I have this gash torn in my soul. So much taken away. Why would God want me to be so unhappy? Why am I single now? Why am I cut off from all the people I used to love and care for? Am I really that bad of a person? This was all playing in my head, the entire time we were talking and laughing. They are a great group of people and just loved on me...but I still think, if they knew me? What would happen then?
Spent another day at the Renaissance Festival with Mark and his friends, even though I just felt like going home and curling up. I know I needed to be with good people, otherwise this loneliness and anxiety would just take me to bad places and wrong choices.
Everywhere we went there were people from my past. Some guys I have dated, guys I have slept with, friends from the clubs and bars, from the community, my bartenders...over and over and over. I just wanted to crawl into my hole. Here I was with all these Christian, normal, good people and how do I explain all of these guys I know, or why I am so uncomfortable and sad? This just killed me today. I feel like crap. How could God love this... whatever I am? Lust was everywhere and my mind took me so many bad places. Just a horrible day, but I had to keep on smiling, ducking and acting like things are ok.
Tonight, we went to church to listen to Edward, a pastor from Nairobi, Kenya, Africa speak about his ministry there...and listening to how an amazing man lets God use him to reach the unwanted and unloved, the untouchables, just broke me in half. Here he is speaking about working with HIV+ and AIDS afflicted people, and inside my heart is screaming, I know people like this! I have friends who are sick. What is wrong with me? Why am I not reaching them? Am I really such a horrible person? I can't even hang out with good friends without my mind dragging me through the gutter and lust and sex filling my head all day.
How do I go to church in the morning? How do I show this face? I prayed with Stephen tonight before we left, but I could feel solid walls going up inside of me. I can't block out the people who love me, but I am scared, hurt and alone. I'm just going to get cleaned up and go to bed.